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There was a reason Bruce made his “no metas in Gotham” rule. Despite what the metas in the JL said when they thought he couldn’t hear, it wasn’t a matter of prejudice. Instead, it was a matter of control. Not the fear of metas losing control, or the need to control Gotham’s populous. No- it was a matter of control regarding the villains. He’d grown lax with the rule, since adopting Duke and training him with his powers, but tonight reminded him exactly why Batman left fighting metas to the flash.
He’d called Barry as soon as the news broke- a new meta in Gotham (ironically, a vagrant from Central City) was wreaking havoc on the city’s homeless population. As the protector of Gotham, their dark knight, he’d attempted to stop, or at least detain the meta until the real expert in meta villains could arrive. Barry Allen was the fastest man alive, and yet somehow late to everything. He’d arrived just in time to watch as the meta discharged one final blast. Bruce was spared by virtue of his position, directly behind the man. His kids, however, were not as lucky.
That’s how Bruce came home with eight cats in the batmobile. Barry was also in the car, eyes politely closed in respect for Batman’s secret identity. He would be working in the cave, for the time being, until he could return the family to their original state. In the meantime, Nightwing had jumped in his lap and was receiving absent minded pets.
Selina was overjoyed, as Bruce expected. He’d asked that she not bring too many cats into his home (Damian was mildly allergic). Now she had an excuse to sit with eight entire cats. Batman exchanged a knowing look with Alfred. Neither man expected to sleep that night.
--
When the sun came up, Bruce was still awake. Barry had offered to start testing on Nightwing first, since he was already there and the most cooperative cat of the bunch. He left the two of them in the cave, with Selina occasionally checking on them, alone. That left two men to handle seven cats. During the night, each cat had somehow escaped their watchful eyes. That’s when the chaos started.
Jason was the scourge of all windows. Alfred asked that he not tear up the blinds in the foyer, so he concentrated his work on Bruce’s bedroom window. The sun came pouring through the tattered remains of blinds and curtains, unfettered by what usually saved Batman another ten minutes of rest. When the sleeping man got up to investigate, Jason was gone. However, he had managed to claw a large “J” into the carpet.
Tim had escaped almost instantly. He was the smallest of the bunch, sleek and black. He blended in with the shadows too well, but wasn’t intent on destruction, like his older brother. Instead, he sought out heat, napping on whatever machine was in use. Bruce found him later that morning, somehow asleep in the microwave. His little face was too cute and peaceful to disturb. That’s how Mr. Wayne, CEO of Wayne Enterprises, started his day without breakfast.
Barbara was a practical woman, and a shrewd cat. Flash explained that she’d snuck down to the cave several times during the night, apparently greatly interested in whatever Barry’s hands were doing. She’d walked over the computer, making the genome results a little muddled. The message ended positively- Selina was cuddling her somewhere in the house, and Barry was working on correcting the data.
Bruce always suspected Stephanie was smarter than she let on, and her catself only proved his theory correct. Somehow, she was gone, but left traces everywhere. Little, purple strands of fur (she was turned as Spoiler) made a path around the house, conveniently taking Bruce’s attention away from whatever havoc his other kids were enacting. Alfred apprehended her eventually, napping on the waffle maker.
Cassandra was not as devious as her siblings. Her watchful eyes were always visible from a shadow, calmly keeping an eye on Bruce. As his daughter, sometimes she would stay silent for weeks, just watching the others and reading their body language. Those instincts had carried over, and now she idly sat under curtains, tail flicking playfully as Stephanie led Bruce on his wild goose- cat?- chase.
Damian was an eager, needy cat. He meowed loudly, always vying for Bruce’s attention when he felt it wandered off him. After a few minutes of ignoring him (Bruce needed to find an alternate breakfast or he’d have to move Tim), Damian had disappeared. Flash reported that a small, impetulant cat had come down to the cave, insistent on napping with Nightwing, and biting whoever got too close. Bruce promised to take care of it, as soon as he located the others.
Finally was Duke. He was an independent and self sufficient kid, and Bruce wished he, above all the others, had been spared. Duke acted just as Bruce had expected (thank god) and was napping in the sunlight. He also seemed to retain most of his human intelligence, perking up whenever Flash submitted a progress report. Idly, Bruce wondered if Duke’s own meta abilities had shielded him from fully becoming a cat, or if Duke was just the only sane member of this household.
When lunch came, Bruce had already called into work sick. Barry was still downstairs, working diligently. He’d finished some tests Nightwing, but now he’d have to test the others. This meant that Batman, World’s Greatest Detective, Dark Knight of Gotham, Classically Trained Fighter and Smartest Man in the Justice League, was reduced to herding cats.
Selina had tried her best, luring cats with her naturally calm demeanor and confident attitude. It worked on some of the kids, but not all. Bruce had a different approach, grabbing a laundry bag. He was ready to hunt. Tim was first, unaware of his fate, still asleep. Cassandra had put up a fight, but eventually settled down once she found a position to still watch her father. Stephanie was next, and put up quite a fight. She was evasive, and probably knew what Batman was up to. He found her on the ceiling fan, gracefully perched with a balance no human could possess. Her eyes narrowed, clearly ready to pounce. She knew how the game would work, but she was not ready to give up quite yet. As her shoulders tensed, Bruce groaned.
“I didn’t want to have to do this,” he started, hand reaching for the ceiling fan controls. “But I will,” he threatened, finger hovering dangerously over the switch. Stephanie only stared, ready to call him out on his bluff. She was always too brave, Bruce thought. As his finger flipped the switch, something heavy, and furry, bit it.
Looking down, he saw Jason fully wrapped around his arm, holding his offending hand hostage. He snarled, victorious in his attack as Bruce tried to shake him off. His son wouldn’t budge. Instead, as Jason was oft to do, he incited more chaos. Cassandra leapt out of the bag, running out of the room at top speed. Her movement woke Tim, who also tried to escape. Bruce managed to cinch the bag closed before his third son could make his day any harder. That didn’t stop the little black cat, who viscously wriggled and hissed, his claws rending the mesh to shreds. Bruce managed to pry Jason off his arm, but it was too late. Tim and Stephanie had left the room, the laundry bag was a useless pile of fabric on the floor, and Jason was already gnawing on a different part of his father’s body.
Selina walked in, Barbara still snuggled in her arms. Damian was on her shoulder, purring softly.
“Hard day?” she asked, amused. Her husband sighed, the scratches on his arm speaking volumes. Jason was attacking Bruce’s shins now, sure to leave another scar if he kept it up. Selina smiled, no longer to hold it back. “You catch more flies with honey,” she whispered, leaning in. Damian purred louder, stretching his little paws.
--
It took some time, but Selina somehow managed to corral every kid into the cave. Barry conducted tests as quietly as possible, afraid of scaring off a cat or earning the scratches Bruce had. Dick hadn’t spent much time with his father since yesterday, and was now making up for it by never leaving his side. The small creature pressed his face into whatever body part he could reach, climbed his father like a jungle gym, and flicked his tail back and forth. Bruce sat down, finally resting. The tests would need time to analyze, Barry hadn’t slept all day, and Selina seemed to handle the kids better than their legal guardian. There were blankets in the cave, and Barry had grabbed a few to nap near the computer. He was nothing if not diligent. Bruce, on the other hand, moved for the cave cot. He hadn’t slept last night, and the stress was beginning to kill him.
--
The computer beeped a few times, shaking Barry awake from his nap. It’d been a few hours, but the test results were in. They were more than in- an antidote had been synthesized. Barry turned to tell Batman the good news, but paused.
On the cot, Batman lay asleep. Under his arm was catwoman, resting peacefully. Between them were about seven cats, all nestled snugly between the two humans. He could hear a soft purring coming from the pile, but couldn’t tell which kid was making the noise. Grabbing his phone, he snapped a quick photo. The antidote could wait until they woke up.