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If I’m completely honest, I was terrified to even watch the replay of the live premiere of my duel against Techno on the MrBeast Gaming channel, let alone look at the comments. I had slept in the day of the premiere, too mentally exhausted to deal with the big reveal of my failure to millions of people. I knew what they were going to say after the outcome was shown, I had already received thousands of tweets and clips of the fight of me losing; the ones that hurt the most were to see my fans attacking Techno for winning. It wasn’t his fault that he won, he was just better than I was...it just wasn’t my day. Any other day I could beat him...right?
But how could I beat Techno if I couldn’t even overcome the doubt I felt for myself? This obsessive behavior of being hung up on every little mistake I had made and how it had caused me to ultimately fail. Fortunately, it was easy to play everything off as being a sore loser and an egotistical bastard. The personality traits of stubborness and competitiveness had become one with the character I portrayed online and accentuated the overbearing confidence I could never muster myself in the real world.
Because in actuality, I spent countless hours late at night scouring over my footage, chastising myself for times I had blocked a hit too late, miscalculated the enemy’s moves, or swung too early on the downswings of my axe. If only he was as much of a god people liked to compare him to, only then he could be proud of himself.
< TommyInnit> SUCK IT GREEN BOY
<Dream> shut up
<TommyInnit> Aww is someone a little bit salty after losing?
<TommyInnit> Must suck to be you Dream
<TommyInnit> Look at the green man trying to be all high and mighty in his full netherite armour
<TommyInnit> Wow I’m so scared
<Dream> you’ll regret this
I gritted my teeth, annoyed as hell and even more disappointed that the words from a child could agitate me this much. Me? Dream? Falling to the word of some immature 16 year old child? Tommy needed to shut up, he really did and if he didn’t do it soon, then I would do it for him.
I saw Tommy’s Minecraft character go back into his base, no longer staring at me condescendingly from the high ground of the hill. I decided that was when I would make my move and I made sure to stay crouched as I snuck up on the oblivious boy. The blonde was oblivious to my presence, sorting through his chests and burning unnecessary items. Tommy couldn’t react in time before I two shot him with my netherite sword, his lack of armour making the job quick and easy.
TommyInnit was slain by Dream using [nightmare]
<TommyInnit> DREAM WTF!?!??
TommyInnit was slain by Dream using [nightmare]
TommyInnit was slain by Dream using [nightmare]
TommyInnit was slain by Dream using [nightmare]
<TommyInnit> STOP
Tubbo_ was shot by Dream using [NOT penis]
<ItsFundy> Is this another war?
<GeorgeNotFound> Tbh, I don’t really know
Tubbo_ was slain by Dream using [nightmare]
TommyInnit was slain by Dream using [nightmare]
ItsFundy was shot by Dream using [Not penis]
A smile grew on my face as waves of satisfaction ran through my body. The feeling of power and superiority helped me forget about my losses and the disappointed tones from my friends and fans. They put their faith in me, they cheered me on in the duel against Techno only to see me choke and cry out excuses like some brat. Each time I swung my sword I felt a sense of exhilaration course through my veins. Each kill sealed up another crack in my crumbling ego.
“Shit,” I cursed as Tommy threw a bucket of lava on me when I was occupied with killing Fundy. I quickly switched to my water bucket to counter the lava, but all it did was turn the block of lava into obsidian and trap me inside of it. The others had seen this and took advantage of the opportunity to slash at me with their iron swords as I chipped away at the obsidian with my pickaxe, the process giving them free damage. Once I was free I immediately backed off to eat a gapple, grateful for my netheritre armour in lessening the damage I was taking.
Tubbo_ was slain by Dream using [nightmare]
TommyInnit was slain by Dream using [nightmare]
They kept on coming back, scooping their stock iron armour and swords off of the ground and equipping them to go for another round. I unfortunately didn’t have any way to burn the items, but what I could do was infiltrate Tommy’s base and destroy their home bed, ending the repetitive cycle.
<TommyInnit> FUCK YOU BIG GREEN BASTARD
I was about to reply until I was shot, the arrow blazing and the fire surrounding my whole body. I only knew one person that had flame on their bow and felt a sense of betrayal. But it was to be expected coming from Sapnap, he had probably struck a deal with the members of L’Manberg and would be rewarded upon killing me. It was smart of L’Manberg’s part, Sapnap had OP gear that was even better than mine. My only advantage was my damage output, but the thorns enchantment on his armour would just make everything more difficult for me.
I instinctively switched to my water bucket to quench the fire but was met with the sight of an empty and hollow bucket. I slapped my hand against my forehead, groaning when I realized I had left my water on the floor when I was trapped inside the obsidian. Sapnap was advancing on me quickly and I braced myself for the battle.
My prediction about Sapnap’s OP armour was correct, the thorns enchant eating away at my health. Not only was it his gear that overpowered me, Sapnap was more prepared than I was to fight, utilizing both lava and a shield during the battle. Everyone on the server except for Fundy were standing upon the sidelines, watching the clash between the two friends.
I’m going to lose I’m going to lose I’M GOING TO LOSE. I smashed my fingers against the keyboard in a state of stress. It reminded me of the duel with Technoblade, two “PvP Gods” fighting to see who was the best. Sapnap wasn’t too far off when comparing the intensity of the two when adjusted to their appropriate gear. I couldn’t afford to lose, especially not live on all of their twitch channels to tens of thousands of viewers. Any other time I wouldn’t have let the stress get to me and would’ve ignored it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that all the viewers had a predetermined perspective of me not being as good as everyone had made me out to be after watching the duel.
But I had one trick left up my sleeve, albeit a dirty one; I backed away from the fight and started placing dirt below me, towering up. Arrows whizzed past and embedded into the makeshift shield I had made in front of me using dirt. I went into the console commands while Sapnap was distracted, towering up to reach me. I had to act fast or it would all be over.
Sapnap fell out of the world
<ItsFundy> wtf???
<Sapnap> DREAM WTF
<GeorgeNotFound> Did Dream just / kill Sapnap?
<Tubbo_> I think so
Fuck, I’m an idiot. How would console killing Sapnap prove that I’m not weak? Fuck. I ran my hands through my hair once my nerves had calmed down a bit, realizing how much I messed up. I was too preoccupied with not dying, thinking that if I died again then everything would be over. But cheating just made me look even worse than before.
<Sapnap> JOIN THE VC
<Sapnap> NOW
I reluctantly switched to Discord, clicking on the voice channel they were all in and was immediately overwhelmed by everyone shouting in the call. It was too chaotic to understand what anyone was saying or even who was talking. All I knew was that I contributed nothing to the clamor, I had my mic muted for my sake, so I wouldn’t accidentally say something that I would regret. But it didn’t matter because I was too busy burning up with shame and guilt, I just wanted to hide in an undisclosed location that no one would ever find me at. How could I show my face in public after this? I mean, it’s not like I would ever show my face to anyone anyways. I always say I’m going to do a face reveal once a certain milestone has been reached, but I don’t have the guts to even mention it anymore.
Because I looked nothing like “ Dream .” My appearance was another high expectation the community had set for me; for me to be some tall, handsome dirty blonde with green eyes and have the physique of a model. I didn’t hate my looks, I was just terrified about letting down all my fans for not living up to their expectations.
“ QUIET!!! ” Tommy’s voice could be heard through all of the calamity, shrill and loud enough to possibly rupture someone’s eardrums. Everyone calmed down after Tommy screamed down his mic, realizing how loud they have been.
“Sorry…” Tubbo said meekly and was about to say something until he was interrupted by Sapnap’s angry voice.
“DREAM! Are you kidding me!? You seriously killed me because you were getting owned by me?” Sapnap was infuriated and rightfully so; anyone would be pissed if they were killed unfairly. I was already beginning to deeply regret what I had done, especially to one of my best friends. All I was doing was building a name for myself, one to replace the “Best Player in Minecraft,” which now belonged to Techno. Now I was being known for being a sore loser, an over competitive man child who acted on impulse and couldn’t admit defeat. One look in the dictionary at the word narcissist and I would be there.
“Dream, your mic is muted,” George commented and I wanted to just unmute myself and snap back at him. Of course I knew my mic was muted, I had done it purposely, I wasn’t stupid .
“Well gentlemen,” Tommy announced. “It looks like we’re gonna have another war on our hands.” Of course Tommy would turn this into a war, trying to get the most content out of the situation like always. I...I don’t blame him. I just wish I could play all my mistakes off with the excuse that I was young and inexperienced. Nothing I do ever satisfies anyone.
“Hell yeah!” Fundy cheered, resulting in a couple chuckles to be heard in the call.
“Hey George. Hey Sapnap.”
“What is it Tommy?” George replied to the younger.
“Want to make a temporary alliance and join the cause of ending the tyrant’s reign?”
“Of course!” Sapnap still sounded bitter. “He has all my OP gear, we can’t just let him get away with this, especially if he’s going to abuse his power.”
“I guess I can get some revenge on all those times he’s killed me,” George admitted. “But is he even here right now? He’s not saying anything.”
“We could try riling him up,” Fundy suggested. “Rustle his feathers a bit?” Please don’t. Just let me be.
“Oh, Dream!” Tommy shut up, I don’t want to lose my temper....please.
“Did you know that I was rooting for Technoblade in the duel? That’s right! Not for Big D, the shittest PvPer known to man.”
Fuck. I clutched at my chest, feeling as if there was a vice stabbing and squeezing my heart to smithereens. It hurt at first, but that pain quickly turned into anger. I knew about Tommy and Tubbo’s stance on the duel, it wasn’t hard when you were being spammed by hundreds of fans with the very clip in which they swore their loyalty to the pig. I had kept it in the back of my mind for a while, but now that it had resurfaced, I couldn’t help the betrayal I felt.
I knew Tommy and Techno have had their interactions, but did Techno invite Tommy to a private SMP server? No, no he didn’t. And even when they would talk to each other, it would just be filled with Techno insulting Tommy for being a child. That wasn’t who I was, I was impressed by Tommy’s success at such a young age and didn’t go out of my way to bully him like Techno did.
I thought Tommy looked up to me, it was endearing in a way. But now it was beginning to feel like Tommy didn’t care about anything except for fame and free content. He wasn’t taking inspiration from me like I thought he was, he was just like all the other Minecraft YouTubers who saw me as nothing but a name or skin to be thrown and passed around in every video thumbnail and title to gain more views.
Whatever I guess. Tommy’s just a child, his words have no leverage over me...I shouldn’t be taking it to heart.
“You’re right Tommy,” George laughed. “I’ve been considering deleting my tweet, it’s kind of embarrassing to be seen supporting such a loser-”
“ SHUT UP!!! ” I unmuted myself, screaming at the top of my lungs and slamming my fist down onto the table. “I’m so SICK of this! I’m so fucking tired of hearing all of you just screaming in my ear all the time...I get a headache everytime I record because you all just can’t shut...the...fuck...up.” I can’t stop I can’t.
“Dr-” I cut off Sapnap before he could even speak.
“Why am I even friends with any of you? You don’t deserve to be friends with me, look at how successful I am and then look at yourself and how pitiful you are. You should be thanking me for having to deal with all of your bullshit that you toss on me, because frankly,” I paused to take in a shuddering breath, my throat tight with all these emotions that I couldn’t identify. All I knew was that I was supposed to shut my mouth, that I was supposed to take all of this with a grain of salt. But it was as if I wasn’t even in control of my body; a phantom force was pressed against my lips, moving them for me and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon. “I don’t even have to be friends with any of you. I can just leave you in the dust and you can see how well your channels are going to do without being able to just put my fucking name in there to add to your imaginary clout.”
“DREAM STOP IT. Do you even hear what you’re saying right now?”
“Do you ?” I snapped back at Tommy. “Do you even have a shred of consideration for your friends?”
“Well yea-”
“ No, no you don’t, Tommy. In fact, you are the biggest fucking hypocrite I’ve ever met in my whole life. You’re annoying as hell, clingy, and people only hang out with you because if not then your stans will be on all of our asses for hurting their ‘poor baby boy.’ How the fuck did you ever get popular? I don’t understand, your content is shit, your personality is shit, your choice in people you look up to is shit, everything about you is shit. You wonder why you’re seeing such an increase of viewers now? That’s right, me . I’m the one who you should be idolizing, for letting you come onto my server instead of some fucking racist business man you bring onto MY server without MY permission and be the cause of a whole ton of unnecessary drama that would’ve never occurred if you just never existed.” I was out of breath when I was finished with my rant, but nothing was more noticeable than the small whimpers that came from the inside of the call.
Tommy was choking up on his own tears as he began to sob and the burden of guilt had collapsed onto me, pinning me to the metaphorical ground as I just stared and gawked at the screen. I made Tommy cry. I made him cry. Tommy’s crying.
“ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it Tommy ” were the words I wanted to say, but I couldn’t even bring myself to be in his presence anymore, not after what I had said to him. I didn’t have the guts or the courage to face my own problems that I had instigated. I just wanted to curl up in some hole and die, but did I even get the privilege to do so? I’m the one who doesn’t deserve friends. Tommy hates me.
“Are you fucking done now, Dream? What the hell man…” Sapnap hates me.
“Tommy is frickin’ crying right now! WHAT THE...what THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you happy you got it all out? Because we sure aren’t.” Tubbo hates me.
“I’m...just gonna go now.” Fundy hates me.
“Seeya,” Sapnap said to Fundy before the Dutch left the call, leaving only Sapnap, George and I in the call; Tommy and Tubbo had already left earlier and I didn’t blame them. Anyone in the right mind would leave if there was a monster amidst, lashing out and snapping at anyone who got a little too close.
The silence was deafening inside the call, the only noise being picked up was my raspy breaths, chest heaving.
George? George are you there? Please say something. Please say that you hate me and leave with all the others. You don’t need to be hung up on me, I’m not worth it.
“Is that what you really think of us Dream? Please tell me you’re joking.” God fucking dammit, stop making this harder. I KNOW I’m a terrible human being and a terrible friend. You’d be better off without me. All I do is fuck everything up, all I am is a conceited asshole, all I want is just for everyone to LEAVE ME ALONE.
“GODDAMMIT DREAM, JUST ANSWER US-”
“I’M TRYING !” I screamed back at Sapnap, tears that had pooled in my eyes finally trickling down my face, but offered no relief. “I’m trying my BEST...FUCK! Everyone’s trying to get me to be someone I’m not and it hurts me so much, but if I even say a word about it they’ll all be on me. Because I’m Dream, I’m not supposed to feel a bit of sadness, I’m supposed to be the best minecraft player, I’m supposed to manage this community all by myself, I’m supposed to do all of this shit but I JUST CAN’T . There’s over 9 million pairs of eyes watching my every move and I can’t do anything on my own volition anymore without worrying that I’m going to wake up to thousands of replies on my posts calling me the scum of this society. Telling me to kill myself. To just end it all and get this peace and quiet I finally wanted all along.”
“Dream! Please don’t say that, you’re not going to end anything just...stay and we’ll try to work things out. It’s obvious that you’re stressed out, but…” George pleaded.
“But that doesn’t give you the excuse to just call us all insignificant, you can’t just say shit like that,” Sapnap finished. “All we’ve done was support you, and you’re just going to throw us all away because you think we just leech off of you? God, you’re dumb Dream, we weren’t sticking around you just for the fame, but because we are...your friends. Right?”
“I don’t know anymore, I don’t know what I should do with my life anymore,” I admitted with a hiccup, rubbing at my eyes with a hoodie sleeve. It did virtually nothing to put an end to my tears and every wipe only brought more tears. “I’m such a mess, a fuck up that only knows how to cope by screaming at the top of my lungs at the people I love the most, the people who bother to tolerate my worthless ass. Aren’t you tired of me yet? How I bitch and wine at every single thing that comes even the slightest bit as an inconvenience to me? How you have to defend me on the internet just because I said something ignorant and offensive? Sooner than later they’ll be after you too, trying to hunt you down and find out everything about you; your name, where you live, what you look like so they can give you all this fake confidence to make you believe that you’re better than you really are.
I don’t want to be Dream anymore; every night I just cry myself to sleep because everything just fucking hurts , and I don’t feel a shred of true happiness when I wake up at two in the morning to do all this work. I’m tired of all these expectations for me to be the modern day messiah, of this egotistical mask I have to wear so no one can see through my facade. This isn’t me, I can never really be that Dream that everyone wants me to be. I just can’t. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m giving up...I give up...just please, make it stop.”
Please.