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Nicole followed Waverly through the front door of the Homestead. She glanced into the living room as she trailed in Waverly’s wake, taking in the sleeping forms of Doc and Wynonna. Both looked like they had barely made it to the surface on which they had succumbed to sleep. Doc sat with his head back, hat barely remaining on his head, at the end of the couch. Wynonna in a similar position on the opposite side. Nicole felt a small urge to wake them and guide them to a proper bed, but resisted. The day had been long and she had no energy to do more than continue to follow her girlfriend up the stairs.
Exhaustion weighed heavier and heavier on her body with each step she took towards the room she had occupied for the past 18 months, 3 weeks and 4 days.
Was it her room now then? Or was it still Waverly’s? Theirs?
Nicole didn’t know anymore. It was too much, happening too fast. They’d been gone for so long. She’d been alone. Completely and utterly alone. Until Rachel came along, but still, Rachel had been a stranger. Now, the Homestead was full of the people she had begged for every day. And yet, the loneliness still ached in her chest.
Why wasn’t she happy?
Her wishes had been granted. Waverly was waiting for her on the bed. She could see her smiling at her through the open door. Wynonna and Doc were sleeping downstairs on the couch she had painstakingly kept safe. Even Nedley was back. Sure she’d seen more of him than she ever wanted to see today, but he was alive.
Why wasn’t she ecstatic?
“Are you coming to bed?” Waverly asked from where she sat, gently patting the space next to her.
Nicole hesitated. She wanted to throw off the suffocating weight of everything that had gone unsaid in the past forty eight hours. She wanted to cross the room and wrap her girlfriend up in her arms, lose herself in the scent that was so distinctly Waverly Earp. She wanted to forget about the months of anger and resentment that had built up inside. She wanted to let it all go and move forward.
But she couldn’t.
The deep breath she took slammed headlong into the burning ball of rage that had sparked into life when she had punched Wynonna all those months ago. It had been simmering, building, waiting to engulf it’s next victim.
“Baby, forget about the traps for tonight. It’s okay.” Waverly said softly, standing up to start in Nicole’s direction.
Nicole held out a hand motioning for her to stop before she got too close.
“Nicole?” Waverly called, concerned.
“It’s not okay.” Nicole whispered.
“What do you mean? Nedley’s back, the monster that was harassing the Homestead is gone. We’re okay.” Waverly said, taking a few more steps forward.
“It’s not okay.” Nicole repeated more forcefully, “We are not okay.”
Hurt, Waverly stopped her forward progress.
“What do you mean?” She asked, confused. This was new. She’d never seen Nicole this way before, never heard her state so bluntly that something was wrong between them.
Nicole’s jaw clenched as she tried to hold in the mounting anger. Calm and collected, Haught. You’re a cop. She told herself. Don’t lose it. Keep it together. No escalation. She tried to calm her racing heart, to slow the rising fury induced flush in her cheeks. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Repeat.
“Baby, talk to me, please.” Waverly begged.
Nicole could tell Waverly was debating between closing the distance between them and respecting Nicole’s need for space.
“You left me.” She finally choked out. “You left me here, alone.”
Waverly made her choice. She closed the distance between them and threw her arms around the redhead.
“I didn’t leave you, I was taken.”
Nicole stepped back quickly, gently pushing Waverly off of her.
“No!” She commanded, holding up her hands, stopping Waverly from moving towards her again stepping backwards into the hallway. “You left me! Wynonna drugged me. She drugged Jeremy. She drugged Robin. She did that, and I’ve forgiven her. But you left us too. You left me. You left me passed out on the floor. You asked me to marry you, and then you left me. How could you do that?” She asked, her voice rising with anger with each word that came out of her mouth. “How could you do that to me?”
Waverly stared up at her, her lip quivering and eyes full of tears threating to spill over.
“I had to.” She whispered.
“Why? Because I’m human? Because I couldn’t possibly contribute to whatever plan you’d schemed up to save the world? Because I have zero reason for being part of this…whatever it is other than being your bonus blanket? That’s all I am isn’t it? Something to lean on when times get rough and leave when the real work needs to be done. A liability. Useless.”
Waverly stood there, taking every word like a blow to the cheek, just like Wynonna had. The tears flowed freely as her own fists started to clench, furious at the woman in front of her for saying such terrible things about the woman she loved.
“That’s not true! You are so much more than that. You are the reason I keep going. You are my reason to fight, even when all the odds say it’s pointless. You are not useless. You are everything to me!” Waverly cried back, desperately wanting Nicole to hear her and believe her.
“Then why leave me? What if I could have helped you. I could have been with you in the Garden. We could have figured it all out together. You knew I would only slow you and Wynonna down. You made the decision. You decided my place was to stay at home and make sure the fire was warm when you got back.” Nicole bit back, the anger in stomach growing the more she let it loose.
“No! I decided for me! It had nothing to do with you or your ability to protect me. You have no idea how much I wanted you with me in the Garden, to know you were there and would do anything to keep me safe. But I needed you here.”
“Why?” Nicole asked softer, feeling the anger start to break at the hurt and despair in her girlfriend’s eyes. She just needed to know why she had been left for all those months. Why she hadn’t been enough to be the one Waverly wanted to go with her into the Garden. Why she had been weighed, measured and found wanting.
“I needed you here so I would come back.” Waverly whispered, closing some of the distance between them so she was standing right in front of Nicole, looking up into her eyes. “I needed to know you were okay, and that you were waiting for me to come home. I needed you to be my link back to this world. If you’d gone with me, I would’ve stayed. Everything I needed in this life would have been with me. You were the only thing that could bring me back. I had to go. You never would have let me go alone. I needed to know you were here, waiting and wanting me.”
Nicole deflated, her whole weight rested against the wall of the hallway. The angry ball in her stomach fizzled and died. Waverly closed the last little bit of space between them and held Nicole close. The redhead let her head fall onto Waverly’s shoulder. Months of tears she’d locked deep inside crashed to the surface. Sobs racked her body as the smaller girl kissed the side of her head.
The bells from the traps rang and Nicole jumped, desperately trying to break out of Waverly’s hold.
“No.” Waverly commanded, putting both her hand on Nicole’s cheek, forcing the redhead to look at her.
The sound of boots running through the house filtered up the stairs.
“We're here now. Your family is home. Coming back to you is what brought us home. Let us help you protect the Homestead. Let Doc and Wynonna take care of this one. They’ll let us know if they need us.” Waverly said, her eyes pleading with Nicole to let them be a team again. To trust that she didn't have to do it alone.
Nicole hesitated, fighting every impulse in her body to run out the door and do what she had been doing for the past eighteen months. But, Waverly was right. Her family was home. Her team was home. She wasn’t alone anymore. She was the reason Waverly had fought so hard to come back. Like Wynonna said, she was the reason Waverly had gotten off the chair. When the seas were rough, she was the anchor that kept the ship moored.
“Please, come to bed.” Waverly begged softly, gently taking Nicole’s hand.
Nicole nodded and pushed herself off of the wall. She let her girlfriend lead her into their room and close the door.