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"Hoping you would fall down into me, crash into me
Won't you love me now?"
Oikawa Tooru is a fool.
And he is reminded every day the moment he wakes up and the first thought that comes to his mind is this boy.
This straight boy with dark hair and darker eyes, this straight boy who has been his friend since he even learned how to walk. His best friend, Iwaizumi Hajime.
Oikawa can bet there's no one else in this universe as stupid as him.
Even then, he would always argue about how could he not fall in love anyway? How could he not hold his breath whenever his Iwa-chan enters the room, somehow always catching the glare of the light just right that it shined beautifully on his golden skin. How could he not fall in love when Iwa-chan looked at him like he'd been gifted every treasure whenever they play a perfect set, his lips tugged into the widest grin with his hands raised in waiting just for him.
He admits that it hurts almost all the time, the longing and loneliness even if Iwaizumi was by his side, but Oikawa being Oikawa, he kept at it. He watered down his pain, deliberately ignored his feelings. Blinded himself from the obvious signs and red flags, and even turning deaf to every warning and advice from his friends.
Iwaizumi is his end goal, and he was willing to wait for the right moment to move.
Nothing could save him from this madness.
Oikawa's not-so-silent pining went on for years, even after they had graduated and entered university. He felt that he, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki going to the same college in Tokyo was a sign from the universe that the time is about to come, that his patience is about to be rewarded.
Being the former captain of his high school, Aoba Johsai, he had a good recommendation that ensured his acceptance in the university's team. And being an athlete with good looks and irrepressible charm, he had attracted a lot of attention. Oikawa was ever the popular Prince Charming.
He had expected that, and he completely overlooked Iwaizumi being under the same spotlight as him.
And in their second year, Iwaizumi had gotten a girlfriend.
"Ah, Iwa-chan, are you sure you're the relationship type?" Oikawa wonders, fiddling with the strap of his bag as they walk together to volleyball practice, "You seem like someone who's more into flings, you know?"
"Tch, don't impose your morals on me, Asskawa," Iwaizumi grunts, "You know, I don't like fooling around."
Oikawa passes off a laugh, I know.
"I like her, okay? I want you to meet her as my best friend."
"Fine, whatever," Oikawa hums, "You have to be careful though, or she might fall in love with instead."
He earned a good kick on his legs at that comment, it was a good distraction from the dull throb that's beginning in his chest. Oikawa had lost count trying to let Iwaizumi see him as more than a friend, but deeo down he knew Iwaizumi loved him. He just wasn't like Oikawa who's painfully obvious that he wanted more, so exaggerated that it all bounces off Iwaizumi as a joke.
If he had said I love you seriously from the start, would Iwaizumi even gave him a chance? Would Iwaizumi even stick around as a best friend if not?
He knows what people think about that, the hate they gave, the disgust for it. Oikawa was strong, a hard-headed selfish prick, but just thinking about Iwaizumi with a hint of disgust behind those golden eyes when he looks, it's a fear that shoots him down to his knees.
Oikawa is a fool, someone strong, but no more than a coward.
He's everything except Iwaizumi's
"What's up?" Iwaizumi asks, tilting his head to the side.
Oikawa avoids his eyes to keep from staring, "What's up?"
"You look out of it," Iwaizumi says, "Are you okay? Sick or something?"
"Sick and tired of seeing your face."
"Dude."
Oikawa smirks, "I'm fine, Iwa-chan. Just thinking about something."
Iwaizumi scoffs, "That's dangerous."
Oikawa rolls his eyes, opening his mouth to speak when he notices a petite girl standing just beside the door to their locker room. A pit opens up in his stomach as they come closer.
"Iwaizumi-kun," the girl calls, waving a hand with a beaming smile.
She's really pretty.
"Oh, Aiko!" Iwazumi greets, a wide unfamiliar smile splitting his lips.
Oikawa can only watch, Iwaizumi had never smiled like that with him before. So charming and kind and disarming. Oikawa would have doubled over in admiration if he didn't know that it was for another person. A girl. The one that Iwaizumi claimed to like.
Oikawa had been there for each and every one of his Iwa-chan's crushes, and it's almost always a fleeting affection, just shallow feelings solved with a few dates and come-togethers. He had always seen Iwaizumi as someone alone, someone... only for him.
How naive.
The air now is different, between them there's chemistry bubbling just below the surface. They looked really well together and they both seem so happy with each other.
Oikawa beams when Iwaizumi waves him over, anything for Iwa-chan.
"This is Oikawa Tooru, one of my best friends," Iwaizumi introduces.
Oikawa scoffs, "Iwa-chan, I'm your only best friend."
"Please shut up, Asskawa."
Aiko and Oikawa shook hands, exchanging a few words lightheartedly. To Iwaizumi, it felt like a go signal to take things further. He might never say it, but Oikawa's thoughts and opinions are an important thing for him, and seeing him look so easy with the girl he has feeings for makes him confident.
Oikawa, on the other hand, was ready to crawl to his undug grave, spirit dead before him and heart in pieces, smaller than a grain of sand.
A year.
It took a year before they broke up.
The sky cried with Iwaizumi that day, and it coated the city with what felt similar to the sadness overflowing in his chest. The air smelled like the earth and the water tasted like the ocean, this is what heartbreak is.
Oikawa can only lend him his umbrella, watching down the little figure of the love of his life, soaked with rain, his pain, and his heartache. Oikawa can only watch and wish.
If you were with me, you'll never cry again.
"Hajime."
"Tooru."
"Let's go home."
Iwaizumi stares up at him, eyes so teary and so vulnerable. Oikawa holds a hand out, careful with the umbrella he's holding above Iwaizumi. He can't let him getting sicker than this.
A hand slowly envelops his, and he pulls Iwaizumi up to his feet, sliding a hand across his shoulder and he held him close. Oikawa can feel his body wrack with sobs as they walked, and with every heave, he could swear the wind will go wilder. With every whimper, there's distant thunders echoing in the skies.
"I told Iwa-chan he was the fling type," Oikawa says lightly, "You should have listened to me."
"You liked her too."
Oikawa purses his lips, "I didn't."
"You looked like it."
"Iwa-chan, half of the things that I do, I do for you," Oikawa confesses, biting his lip, wondering if it was right for such words, "I liked her because you did."
Iwaizumi sniffles, and Oikawa knows he's looking at him.
"If I were honest, I wouldn't have let Iwa-chan take things further."
Iwaizumi frowns, "Why so?"
"Because-"
Because I love you.
Because you're supposed to be mine.
Because I've been in love with you for years.
So many choices.
"We should drink," Oikawa says instead, changing directions to go to a convenience store.
"Because what, Tooru?" Iwaizumi presses, exhaling frustratedly.
"What? What because?"
"You were saying something!"
"Oh, I forgot," Oikawa grins, chuckling, "I started thinking about drinking."
"Dumbass."
"Meanie, Iwa-chan."
Oikawa is a fool filled with bad decisions.
He can't remember how but he was drunk, and Iwaizumi is also drunk. He wasn't even supposed to get drunk in the first place, he just wanted Iwaizumi to feel better and to be there when he can't.
Oikawa was spinning, slumped on his table with a dazed look as he listened deafly to Iwazumi's new spiel. He was going on about Aiko's parents.
Ah, that's why I'm drunk. Oikawa was heartbroken for his heartbroken love.
Iwaizumi kept talking.
Something. Something. I want to kiss him.
The thought came so glaringly sharp, it jolted Oikawa awake. He wanted to kiss him.
"Ne, Iwa-chan," Oikawa interrupted, swaying as he props his chin on the palm of his hand.
"Hmm."
"You know, I'm in love with you, yeah?"
"Yeah."
Oikawa blinks, "Wait, I'm serious."
"Yeah."
"What, really?"
"Kunimi told me just after graduation."
"Whaa-at?" Oikawa gasps. That snitch.
"I have no problem with it," Iwaizumi grins, "We've been together for so long, you know. And you were so obvious, Tooru, I'm not dense."
Oikawa completely sobers up at the overwhelming flood of hope and the sudden flash of pain.
He's just drunk, they're both drunk. He's heartbroken and drunk, Oikawa should know better.
I should know better.
"You mean that?"
Iwaizumi gaze was heavy when he looked over, half-lidded and puffy. He couldn't tell if he was genuine or not. Oikawa curses.
"Yeah, Tooru. You know I love you too."
Oikawa throws his head back in laughter, he ignores the tears welling up in his eyes. His breaths are shaky as he straightened up.
"Maybe that's enough drink for tonight."
"Mm'kay," Iwaizumi mumbles, leaning back on his bed, "Let me sleep over."
"Alright."
Oikawa cleans up quickly as he notes Iwaizumi barely hanging on to his consciousness. He's glad he's stopped crying, stopped talking about Aiko this and Aiko that. It was pointless to be jealous and annoyed, he was the one who volunteered to help, but it creeps in anyway, poisoning his insides and filling him with guilt.
He needs to get a grip, sleep it off. Tomorrow he'll be better. Tomorrow he'll try, genuinely try, to bury his feelings.
It's not gonna do them any good anymore. Iwaizumi's the last person he needs to lose.
"Iwa-chan, lay down," Oikawa says softly, resting a hand on his arm as support as he crouches in front of the boy.
"Hmm, Tooru," Iwaizumi mumbles, falling forward to Oikawa's chest.
God, grant me patience and restraint.
Iwaizumi was warm.
Oikawa gently pulls him down to lay, and as he's pulling the blanket's up his figure. He feels Iwaizumi's warmth on his cheek. His breathe catches, and he looks back quite frightened.
He's about to lose completely. His heart. Himself. Iwaizumi. There was no way to keep them all.
Iwaizumi looks sober looking back, eyes wide and vaguely illuminated by his small lamp. It was dark but Oikawa sees everything, he didn't even realize but their faces was so close.
And soon, his lips were pressed against Iwaizumi's. Softly, carefully. Then, Oikawa presses harder, deeper, savoring Iwaizumi's bittersweet taste. He inhaled the mixture of alcohol and the unmistakable scent that only Iwaizumi carries.
Iwaizumi kissed him back as fiercely and he could swear he's crying.
As they pull apart, chests heaving and lips tingling. Oikawa steels himself for the moment he'll get called by another name.
But instead, Iwaizumi says, "I love you, okay?"
Oikawa lets the tears fall, satisfaction and relief flooding his senses as he rests his forehead against Iwaizumi's.
"Okay, Iwa-chan."
Oikawa wakes up in his own bed, a hand hanging off the side. When he peeked over, it's loosely threaded with Iwaizumi's, who's still asleep.
His heart felt full, Oikawa felt he can lift Iwaizumi over his head himself. It was the best morning he's ever had, soft yellow light shining through the gaps of his curtains and the air smelled that only an overnight rain can make.
Oikawa tightens his hold on Iwaizumi's hand, slowly letting go to run a hand through his hair. Admiring him this close was a dream come true, and the hums that rumbles from Iwaizumi's throat shot straight to Oikawa's heart.
He has fallen deeper in love. Gotten a little more foolish and naive.
He'll take it slow, he promises to himself. Iwaizumi is vulnerable now, too in pain and needs some time and space. Oikawa wasn't going to make himself a rebound after all this time. He wants the real deal, and even though a bitter feeling creeps up his throat every time he thinks about how he could've had Iwaizumi sooner, he was just very thankful for the chance he had gotten.
He prepared breakfast for the both of them that morning, a bounce in his step and a smile on his lips. When Iwaizumi stirred awake, Oikawa was there holding up a cup of black coffee just how he knew Iwaizumi liked it.
"Good morning, Iwa-chan," Oikawa sang, siting on the floor, cross-legged.
"Ugh, Tooru," Iwaizumi groans, pressing a palm up his temple, "Aren't you hangover or something? I feel disgusting."
"You are disgusting," Oikawa teases, "Do you want an aspirin?"
"No thanks."
Oikawa was still smiling foolishly. It happened here, was all he could think about.
"I think I'm gonna get a fever," Iwaizumi mumbles, "I can't even remember what happened last night, I'm glad I slept over."
Oikawa blinks, "Sorry, what?"
"What?"
"You can't remember what happened last night?" Oikawa repeats.
"It's hazy," Iwaizumi frowns, "Blacked out after three, I think."
Oikawa could feel his whole body slump forward, a give-up kind of tiredness settling in his bones.
It was all too good to be true.
Of course it was.
He wanted to cry.
"Why did I do something stupid? Did I call Aiko? Please don't tell me I called her."
Oikawa sets his jaw, "You didn't."
"What's wrong then?"
"Iwa-chan, you... me..."
Iwaizumi furrows his eyebrows, expression turning serious as he leans forward. He is hopeless, Oikawa thinks.
"Nevermind, it was stupid."
"What? What is it?" Iwaizumi urges, gulping down his coffee.
Oikawa winks, "It's a secret."
Iwaizumi pestered him all morning for whatever it was he couldn't remember. Despite feeling like his soul is set on fire, Oikawa dropped hints, debating whether he'll lay one on Iwaizumi again for the sake of it.
There was no assurance if Iwaizumi will ever remember, but if he did, will he think that Oikawa was a pervert? Will he say that he took advantage of his vulnerabilites and drunkeness?
Oikawa sealed his lips, he was done. The kiss will be nothing more than a sweet memory, a short glimpse of what could've been.
Oikawa was a fool, but he no longer wanted to be. It's a really tough job.
So he asked, how long is he going to let Iwaizumi string his heart along like this? Oikawa, the captain of his volleyball team in High School, awarded as the best setter in their prefecture, a current candidate for an international team, very popular and all-around loved. He felt like a fucking loser getting worked up like this.
This is the end for his feelings. He needed a break.
"See you tomorrow, Asskawa."
It was time to let go.
"Bye, Iwaizumi."
He closed the door on the little surprise that coloured his best friend's face.
"Oikawa! Oi!"
Iwaizumi ran the distance between him and Oikawa, dodging other university students as he goes. Oikawa thinks of a hundred excuses ready to use to escape, out of all the time he's been caught, this wasn't the best time.
"Oikawa!" Iwaizumi huffed, "I haven't seen you in ages, you aren't even replying to my messages. Are you okay?"
Oikawa felt that familiar tug in his chest, he chuckles, "Yeah, Iwaizumi. I've been busy. I actually have to go right n-"
"You're avoiding me," Iwaizumi says, final and heavy.
"I'm not!" Oikawa replies, rolling his eyes, "I've really just been busy, okay?"
"Oh yeah, with what? Exams are over, and even Mattsu and Hana haven't seen you in weeks."
Oikawa sighs, gritting his teeth as he meet his gaze with Iwaizumi's, "I'm seeing somebody."
Iwaizumi's raises his eyebrows, "You're... seeing somebody."
"Yes," Oikawa nods, dropping his gaze.
"Who?"
"A friend of a friend of a friend."
"Asskawa."
"I'm serious," Oikawa huffs, "He's a Chemistry major student. A volleyball player, used to be a captain in high school too. We met a month ago, we have a lot in common and I... I like him."
"Him?"
"Yes."
Iwaizumi tilts his head, Oikawa can only take a glance every other second. He needed to get out of there, or Iwaizumi would find a way to slither himself back into his systems again. He had avoided him after all this time and now, he actually feels like he's in a better place. A relationship that's not one-sided brewing in his palm
He needed Iwaizumi, but the space had felt amazing. He wasn't going to throw away the effort he had done that easily now. They'll come together again, but not right now.
Kuroo was waiting for him anyway.
"You know, I remembered what happened that night we got drunk."
Oikawa freezes up. No.
"I... I wanted to talk to you about it all this time but I guess you've moved past it," Iwaizumi says, "I just want to let you know that I accept you, okay? And that I was very grateful for you for helping me that night."
"Iwa-chan-"
"I understand now," He nods, a soft smile in his lips, eyes devoid of disgust and hatred so far from what Oikawa had ever imagined, "I'm always going to be your friend, okay?"
Oikawa felt like crying again.
"We've been together for too long."
"Tooru!"
The both of them whipped their gaze to the side, Oikawa's eyes widen as they see Kuroo, wild hair all over his head and a wide devious grin on his lips, sauntering over with his hands on his pockets. Oikawa didn't miss the lingering looks from otjer passing students.
Kuroo was very handsome and he thought so too. When they met that night at the gym, Oikawa thought he'd be the perfect person to make him forget. But Kuroo was so kind, so genuine, the little relationship they built became more and more serious.
Oikawa know what's better. But with Iwaizumi's sudden confession, something large shifted inside him.
Have I made the wrong decision? Should I have just waited?
Do I still love him?
An unreasonable question, but he hated how he had answered so easily.
"Found you! You were taking your time so I thought I'd just look for you," Kuroo says, turning towards Iwaizumi with a confused tilt of his head, "Uh, hey. I'm Kuroo Tetsurou, a second year Chemistry major."
"Iwaizumi Hajime, a second year student too. Engineering."
"Ah, Iwa-chan, no?" Kuroo chuckles, sliding a hand over Oikawa's shoulders tenderly, "Oikawa has talked about you a lot."
Oikawa's face heats up, giving Iwaizumi an apologetic expression, "Sorry, Iwaizumi. But we're gonna go ahead."
"Uh-yeah, sure, call me later, okay?"
"Okay."
Oikawa turned himself and Kuroo around, gaze straight ahead as Kuroo watched at him with an indifferent face. Even vaguely, he had quite the idea of what's going on. He had guessed ever since they met that he was tied down.
"So, he's him, huh?"
Oikawa doesn't answer. All he can hear is Iwaizumi's words, it rammed itself straight into the place where he had kept it all hidden away. In his head, all he can see is the minute flicker of dissapointment and hurt in Iwaizumi's eyes when he left with Kuroo.
Oikawa knows what's going to happen. He was a fool after all.
"Oikawa."
He stood in front Iwaizumi's apartment door, soaked to his bones from the thunderstorm he had walked through. His shoes are soaked and his hair is dripping all over his face, he looks like shit and he certainly feels like one.
Gone was the month of him trying to avoid Iwaizumi, trying to at least take a step forward. The second he showed up, no matter how things were going, Oikawa was just going to run back to him after all.
Ignoring the pain, the warnings and red flags, just like he had always did.
Iwaizumi was his end goal.
Kuroo knew just as much, even before they could order in the restaurant they had went to. He had let him go, with a promise that if it didn't work out, he'd be there waiting. Oikawa felt terrible for using Kuroo, but he was very grateful he had understood.
Another chance fell on his lap, perhaps the last that will be given for him. All in pursuit of his greatest, first, yet unrequited love.
"I came because they said confessions are relief, and I need to breathe, Iwaizumi," Oikawa starts, clenching his fists on his sides, "I've been holding my breath ever since that one night during middle school at your grandparent's backyard and you cupped a firefly and showed it to me. I've been holding my breath ever since then because I realized I love you deeply.
"All my life all I've been doing is loving you, choosing you. I've been patiently waiting and now I can't hold back. You were always there for me. Reminding me what I had, what I could be. Reminding me you're the greatest partner I could ever imagine, the greatest best friend.
Fuck, I'm so in love with you."
Oikawa cries, softly and achingly, "That night was the first night I actually felt brave for my feelings, that night when we drank. I was very mad at Aiko, what she did to you. I would've never hurt you, Iwaizumi. That kiss... You told me you loved me, and you should have known how I felt so much sooner because telling me you love me felt so good."
Oikawa looks up then, meeting Iwaizumi's gaze head on. His expression was indifferent but with the hard set of his jaw, and the whitening fingers gripping the door's frame, Oikawa knows.
"You always tell me we've been together for so long, so why don't we just stay together forever, Iwa-chan?"
Iwaizumi takes in a breath, his dark eyes are glassy and his eyebrows are deeply furrowed.
Fuck it. Oikawa steps forward, his damp hands reaching out to hold Iwaizumi's face. They were so close, just like that night and that fateful morning. He can see it now, the future with their lives entangled together in a new way. God he's so happy he felt like his heart would burst.
And he would've kissed him then.
And they would've went down the road Oikawa had longed to take.
But Iwaizumi wrapped his hands on Oikawa's wrists, gently removing his hands over his face. Oikawa heard it then, Iwaizumi's name being called by a woman. When he turned to their right, Aiko stood there with her long black hair and wide doe eyes with a confused expression on her face. So pretty and so innocent.
So fitting for Iwaizumi.
Oikawa wanted to find the humor in his situation as exhaustion weighed down in his limbs, pinning him down as he stared at Aiko with blurry eyes. There was no jealousy, no hate or resentment. Just deep, deep guilt and embarrassment.
I misinterpreted the situation. It wasn't like Iwaizumi played me, right?
He was just a dumb fool that fed his fantasies so consistently. Iwaizumi just wanted to tell him he had accepted him for who he was, like the kind person that he is, like the great best friend he is to Oikawa. Even when he already had someone good, someone willing, he came running back like an idiot in chase for something that's never gonna happen.
Like a foolish child reaching out to the sky thinking he'll grab a star.
Oikawa realized it now, Iwaizumi isn't and will never be his end goal. Iwaizumi was just supposed to be there. As a watcher, supporter, the greatest best friend.
Oikawa sighs, "What the fuck am I doing."
"Tooru," Iwaizumi soothes, "I'm sorry."
Aiko walks over and Oikawa eyes the hand that Iwaizumi wraps around her waist. He catches that tender look, that unique glimmer in those muddy eyes, something he'll never be in the end of.
"You got back together."
"Last week," Iwaizumi answers, his eyes gentle and his tone careful, "I was meaning to tell you, but I haven't seen you since today."
Oikawa nods.
"Aiko, can you stay inside please?" Iwaizumi asks, widening the door for her. Aiko shoots Oikawa a look of sympathy before coming inside, closing the door behind her.
Oikawa felt numb, "Iwa, was there a time you felt we could be together?"
"A lot of times, Tooru."
"W-why didn't you..."
"I was... scared," Iwaizumi sighs, "Then I saw you today with Kuroo. I really thought getting back together with Aiko was the best then. You were over me, and that was okay."
"Dumbass, Iwa-chan," Oikawa sobs.
"Tooru," Iwaizumi tried to collect him in his arms, but Oikawa evades, "Please."
"Are you happy?"
"Oikawa, I'm so-"
"I'm goddamn asking if you're happy."
Iwaizumi passes a crooked smile, "Yes."
Loud thunder echoed from the skies, like a signal from his heart. The rain started pouring harder, and Oikawa was right the first time.
Thunderstorms are what heartbreaks look like.
"I'll go."
"It's pouring, Oikawa. At least stay for a while."
Oikawa scoffs, "I love you, Iwaizumi. But I'm not going to torture myself by playing house with you and Aiko."
Iwaizumi winces, and Oikawa feels a little pang of guilt even if he knew himself he had every right to be bitter.
"I'll go, I'm sorry for disturbing you."
Oikawa braved everything; the cold, the rain, his tears, his feelings. He walked around the streets of Tokyo with his head hung low and his eyes heavy with tears and raindrops. He must have looked crazy, but that was fine.
Something about finally getting rejected made it feel okay to move. He pined over Iwaizumi his whole life it felt like this is the first time he was truly free.
Somewhere in him he knew they'll be fine, knew that in time he'll finally have the courage again to stand being with him again. Finally feel less pain with the fact that they can't happen.
Oikawa didn't know where he was going, but he soon found himself standing in front of the restaurant he left Kuroo in.
With dripping clothes and squishy shoes, he came inside unpresentedly. The staff looked at him with hesistant looks, probably wondering if they're supposed to stop him. But soon he found that head of messy bed hair and he plopped down on the seat in front of him.
The look on Kuroo's face was a mix of surprise and sympathy.
"Hey, do you want to come to my place for a while?" Kuroo asks, his voice really soft and gentle.
"You're not mad?"
"No," Kuroo chuckles, "Why would I be?"
Oikawa breathes out a laugh, gesturing at his pathetic stature.
"I understand," Kuroo says softly
It felt like it had been too long when someone understood.
"Yeah," Oikawa sniffs, "I'd like to go."
As him and Kuroo exits together, he thinks of everything about Iwaizumi. It has been a rush of 21 years. Pining for assurance instead of love along the way, desperation for reciprocation that muddled his true feelings. His feelings were all but true, but he guessed it was finally time to put it to rest.
Oikawa feels Kuroo squeeze his hand and a small appriciative smile tugs at his lips.
I'll be fine.
Iwaizumi's face flashes in his head.
We've been together for so long.
It's time for us to seperate.