Work Text:
Doubt
A/N: We’re not gonna talk about All Out. Just putting that out there. Not yet, anyway. Until we get to that point though, here’s more catch up plot. Sorry for another short-ish one!
Adam laid motionless in the ring, struggling to breath, dazed and sore. He remembered hearing the bell ring, the soul crushing defeat and sadness that consumed him in that moment when he couldn’t muster up the energy to lift a shoulder off the canvas. He’d lost. He’d lost the match for them. He’d lost. He felt a tear roll down his cheek, mixing with his sweat. How could he look at them when they got backstage? How could he face them, himself?
The next little bit was a blur. He didn’t really pay attention to what he was doing, vaguely remembering that he showered and got redressed before taking a seat with the rest of the Elite. The conversation wasn’t a happy one, and he was only half listening, really. His thoughts raced, his body tense as he sat next to Kenny. He briefly addressed the Bucks as he texted Dax. He’d gone to check on FTR when they’d left the match earlier, accompanying them to the doctor’s before returning to the ring. And then losing the match.
Still no answer from Dax.
He looked up when Kenny started speaking. He talked about not being okay, about how they were doing so great, about how embarrassed he was.
“I—I’m—I’m sorry I lost the match,” Adam responded as everyone talked over each other, almost completely ignoring him before things quieted down again, this time with Matt leading the conversation.
“Comedy act? I mean… You’re the king of comedy, right?” Adam glanced up from his phone as he listened to Matt run down some of the more silly things Kenny had done when he was in DDT. The 9 year old girl, matches with Yoshihiko, and then bringing up the Colt Cabana situation as if it had all been one big joke. Adam watched Kenny’s expression crumble, a cold mask replacing his usual open, easygoing expression. He wanted to reach out and take Kenny’s hand. He wanted to slap the taste out of Matt’s mouth for making Kenny look like that.
“I wasn’t fucking joking about that,” Kenny mumbled as Nick chimed in.
“We were getting scared that the Cleaner was coming back,” Nick told him, and Adam swallowed nervously, briefly remembering those times, back before he knew Kenny well.
He remembered the times when he would find Kenny sitting in a dark corner of an abandoned, empty hallway backstage, how broken and devastated he looked when he thought no one could see him. He remembered when Kenny would briefly cling to him in his low moments before swiftly putting distance between them again, as if it had never happened. He remembered a Kenny who hated what he saw when he looked in the mirror, who looked more and more lost every day, who looked like he was one wrong move away from cracking under pressure. He didn’t want to see that Kenny again, and they were well on their way there if this kept up.
“I would’ve hated to tag with that guy.” Adam told him.
He clearly wasn’t paying attention to how loud he was speaking judging by Kenny’s, “Okay! Okay! I fucking get it!” They all fell silent, Kenny looking like he was torn between storming out or curling in on himself. “I get it! Enough! Enough! Okay? Can we just, fucking, shut up about it? It’s done. Let’s just watch tv, like…”
The Bucks were quick to apologize, Brandon leaning away from them and looking on in concern. Brandon turned the tv on, and the conversation was quickly forgotten in favor of all of them glaring at Matt as the Dark Order Chili’s commercial finished playing on screen. It was nice, to mess around and say stupid, ridiculous things for BTE, but at the same time… He really just wanted to talk to Kenny. Hold his hand. Hug him. Make sure he was okay. They wrapped up the episode. They all went their separate ways.
Adam took Kenny’s hand as they made their way to the parking lot, Kenny briefly looking his way with a small smile. Adam took his hand again when they got in the car, didn’t let go until they were back at the hotel. Kenny sighed, smiling wide and laughing softly as Adam took his hand again when they were in the room. They sat on the edge of the bed together, both still exhausted from earlier.
“Adam, I’m okay.” He squeezed his hand in thanks for checking up on him. “Just tired.”
“They shouldn’t have said all that about you,” Adam grumbled angrily. “There’s nothing wrong with how you’ve been in AEW, and there’s nothing wrong with how you were in DDT.” Kenny shook his head, hand gripping his hair and tugging briefly.
“It’s fine. It’s… It’s whatever.” Adam huffed and Kenny laughed again. “I can take it,” Kenny told him. “It’s nothing new.”
“You shouldn’t have to take it,” Adam protested, pulling Kenny into his arms, the two of them facing each other on the bed. “This isn’t Japan. Things aren’t the same here and you’re not just a wrestler anymore. You have different priorities, you’ve been through even more shit, and you have nothing to prove to anyone.” He plopped a kiss in Kenny’s hair, drawing a happy hum out of Kenny, who snuggled up against him. “How’s your head?”
“Better now that it’s just us,” Kenny responded. “What about you?” The silence that stretched between them was answer enough. “Adam, no one’s mad at you for losing the match.”
“You said you were embarrassed, Kenny. How am I supposed to take that?” Kenny opened then closed his mouth, averting his eyes guiltily.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Then how did you mean it?”
“Dark Order have been screwing around, losing, coming up with comedy skits for BTE. What does it say about us that the guys who can’t even take themselves seriously beat us?” Kenny shook his head. “My being embarrassed wasn’t aimed at you. I was embarrassed we couldn’t all work together and figure out a way to win. It was four on six, they had us outnumbered, and we couldn’t get to you in time. It’s not on you, especially when you’ve saved my ass in tag matches more times than I can count.” Adam didn’t say anything, so Kenny continued. “It wasn’t our night. We’ll pick up the win in our next match and we’ll keep going.” He hugged Adam closer, tighter. “I never meant to make you doubt yourself.”
“That’s all I’ve been doing this whole time though,” Adam whispered. “Every week it’s the same questions. Am I good enough? Am I gonna screw up? ...Are you gonna leave me?” Adam rested his head on Kenny’s shoulder. “All I ever do is doubt. I try to look on the bright side sometimes, but it’s just… It’s hard. It’s so hard to find the good in things when every week it feels like there’s something new trying to help me fail, you know?” Kenny nodded after a moment.
“I get what you mean. I do.” More than you know . “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”
“It’s okay,” Adam told him, pulling him back a little so he could see his face again. “Let’s focus on next week, right? Tag title match against Jurassic Express.” He knew he was changing the subject, and he knew Kenny knew, but they were both ready to not talk about sad things anymore. “Marko better watch out.” Kenny laughed shortly.
“Yeah.” He captured Adam’s lips and Adam wouldn’t let him pull away until he was satisfied, Kenny panting, cheeks pink as he tried to catch his breath, smiling shyly.
“I love you,” Adam whispered, laying them both down on the bed, and Kenny blushed even more, kissing Adam’s cheek.
“I love you too. Let’s kick some ass next week.”