Chapter Text
It seemed weird.
Keith had his fair share of awkwardly sitting across from a discipline, averting their gaze by staring at the carpet of their office. He remembers doing it after his father died and was placed in a group home. He felt small... and a little helpless although he swore he was doing fine.
So it's probably normal that those old feelings resurface now, but with Lance sitting on the opposite end of the couch? Yeah, this was weird. Keith wondered if he'll always have to deal with souped up professionals, peering over readers and clipboards to help him figure out his life. It happened after the war, too. Mandatory trauma counseling that all of the paladins had to do. Even though he tried to skip it, Shiro damn near forced him to go. He had no choice in either of those situations. But this time was different.
This time, he had made the call. He found the therapist, Dr. Echardt, listed in an ad at the Garrison. She was different than any past sessions he's ever had. For one, her office was littered with green plants and vines crawling up her walls. She had a bay window that shone sunlight into the small room. She sat one leg over the other, skirt just barely touching her knees, shoulders straight and attentive, yet she seemed relaxed. As if this wasn't some clinical study to dissect his love life with his former fellow paladin. Maybe it was how she tilted her head as Lance talked or nodding when Lance expressed a concern.
Her eyes turned to Keith and she lifted her brows. She smiled. "Keith? Anything you'd like to add?" She asked.
Keith was silent, his arms folded and slouching slightly. When the silence went on for too long, Lance huffed on the other end of the couch. "Seriously, babe?"
"I don't know what you want me to say." Keith said. He shrugged his shoulders and sat upright. "You said it yourself, I'm selfish and stubborn."
He could feel Lance's eyes burn on the side of his face. Lance shook his head and turned to Dr. Echardt. "You see what I mean? All he hears is the negative things I say. That's not all I said." Lance began to shout, but quickly hushed when Dr. Echardt motioned for him to quiet down.
"Keith." Dr. Echardt said. Keith sunk lower into the couch. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to answer. He knew she would ask why wasn't he paying attention or why did he even suggest they have couples counseling if he wasn't even going to try. But Dr. Echardt took a different approach.
"Tell me a time you felt empowered by Lance."
Keith lifted his head and glanced over to Lance, who also was thrown off by the question. He cleared his throat and thought back.
"Lance, he... he always empowered me." Keith said. His mind went back to their Voltron days and how Lance immediately picked up the mantle as right hand man. No questions asked. "When we fought as Voltron, Lance was always there. I was sometimes unsure as the black paladin, but he was always there... reminding me that I could do it." Keith smiled a little then smiled a little more when he felt long fingers reach across the couch and interlock their hands.
"That's wonderful. Did that encouragement continue once you got together?" Dr. Echardt asked.
Keith's hand went stiff in Lance's hold. "It did until..." Keith released his hand from Lance.
"Babe..."
"It was my fault. I told him to stop coddling me." Keith said and folded his arms again.
"It wasn't your - it wasn't his fault." Lance directed at Dr. Echardt.
"Please, Lance, allow Keith to speak."
Lance resigned to his side of the couch and bent his head down.
"Keith, when did you tell him to stop?"
Lance took a deep breath. Keith knew Lance hated when he put blame on himself. Even as estranged as they were, Keith reached over and rubbed Lance's back to soothe him.
"When I lost our baby." Keith said, this time his eyes were on the smooth leather cushion between him and Lance. "It was my fault-"
Lance's head jerked up. "It wasn't your fault!"
"Lance." Dr. Echardt reminded him and Lance didn't say another word. She looked to Keith with a puzzling look. "Forgive me, I'm not familiar. Was this a child you organically created together?"
Keith couldn't look her in the eyes. "Yeah. I'm half Galra. They're an intersex species with the ability to create from any gender. I didn't know this at the time. It kinda came as a surprise."
"I see." If Dr. Echardt was disgusted or terrified at this knowledge, she didn't show it. She kept a still face and nodded for Keith to continue.
"But since, I'm also half human, successful birth rates are rare." Keith spit out the facts as if he were reciting a memorized presentation. He had to. If he became connected to his words in any way, he'd be falling down a long rabbit hole that he wasn't prepared for.
It was silent for a moment. He heard Lance sniffle and the guilt washed over him, chilling him down to the bones. Damn it. His walls crashed down when he saw Lance rubbed his eyes. Tears began to prick at his eyes when he spoke. "Lance wanted to be a father so bad. He was so happy." Keith's eyes watered and he quickly wiped it with the back of his hand. "I couldn't give that to him."
"Babe." Lance looked up to him and his eyes were bloodshot from crying. "Please... stop. It wasn't your fault. It will never be your fault."
Dr. Echardt watched the two on the couch. She watched the way Keith's hand cupped Lance's face and wiped the wetness from his cheek. She took a deep breath.
"I have a suggestion to how we can spend the remainder of our session today. It's something that I like to do with first time couples." Dr. Echardt began. "Lance, I'd like to speak with Keith alone for a moment. And then I'll speak with you once we're done. How does that sound?"
Keith and Lance gave each other a look and nodded. He kissed Keith on the cheek before getting up. "There's a cafe in this building if you'd like to get coffee. Ask Nicole at the front desk and she can direct you." Lance nodded and waved before slinking out of the office.
Keith stiffened on the couch when Dr. Echardt turned her attention back to him. But she wasn't staring him down or even trying to read him. She only smiled and tilted her head. "I know telling a stranger your most intimate secrets can be daunting, but we don't-"
"I actually prefer it." Keith interrupted. "You don't know me. So if you judge me, I don't care."
Dr. Echardt nodded. "Do you feel like the people who know you tend to judge more often?"
Keith crossed his arms and remained silent. He walked right into that one. Dr. Echardt caught on and hid a small smile.
"Well, why don't we start with Lance?" She asked. "Do you remember how you first met?"
That seemed to elicit a response. Keith actually laughed and closed his eyes. "Yeah I remember. We were cadets at the Garrison. He looked like a peanut." He smiled fondly as he thought back. His eyes rested on a vine that looped over the window. "He swore we were rivals but I honestly didn't know him. We, I guess, officially met when we rescued Shiro from the Garrison. And the rest is history. I'm sure you know that story." He looked up to her and she shrugged.
"Assume I didn't."
"Okay..." Keith sighed and sat upright on the couch. "Well, we were paladins of Voltron. We found the Blue Lion here on earth and were sent to outer space for two years to fight an intergalactic war." He spoke as if he were on autopilot. As if he'd said this spiel a thousand times to news media, Garrison classes, fans, basically anyone who had asked him his story since the war ended. "While I was out there, I discovered I was half Galra, I found my mom, and joined a secret elite team of assassins. Zarkon was defeated. When Sendak invaded Earth, I killed him."
Dr. Echardt didn't move. "What happened after the war, Keith?"
Keith finally looked up to her. He knew what she was asking yet for some reason, his mouth didn't want to answer. He had to mentally kick himself. He had to remind himself that he's there for Lance. He's there for both of them. He wants them to work and figure out why they've been so tense around each other lately. He sighed. He was ready to open up.
"I fell in love. I fell in love with Lance."
-
"So there you have it. The wonderful team of Voltron. Defenders of the Universe. Here to protect and keep you safe. Now, where will you all go from here?" The tv show host, Roxanne, directed her question to Pidge so she could answer first.
"Oh," Pidge smiled nervously at the camera. "I'm working for the Galaxy Garrison with my parents. We're constantly developing tech that will help better our future."
Roxanne seemed very satisfied with that answer. The audience clapped on cue. "That's amazing. I wouldn't expect anything less from the team's tech wizard." Roxanne said and turned to Hunk. "And what about you big fella?"
"Well, I've organized a team of intergalactic chefs and cooks. We cater throughout the galaxy, bringing hearts together, one plate at a time." Hunk folded a hand over his chest and the audience, including Roxanne, swooned and aww'ed.
"That's the bee's knees!" She squealed. "I'd love to taste your amazing cooking sometime." She looked to Shiro. "What about you, Commander?"
Shiro nodded and stared straight into the camera. "I'm the Commander of the IGF - ATLAS. Though, Sendak is defeated, work still needs to be done within the universe after 10,000 years of war."
"Speaking of Sendak," Roxanne nudged Keith who sat closest to her. "We have this guy to thank for his proper demise. What's next for you, killer?" She smiled but Keith didn't return it in kind. He hated this. He hated this show. He hated Roxanne. He hated being this propped up 'celebrity' but Shiro said it helped for morale. Which was desperately low from Sendak almost destroying Earth.
Keith sighed and shook his head. "I'm continuing to work with the Blades of Marmora. We've turned to a more humanitarian relief for planets who were ravaged by the war."
"Will you get to wave your fancy sword around?" Roxanne asked and winked. The audience laughed and Keith wanted to make his knife appear, but he thought it might be an overreaction.
"I hope not, Roxanne."
She could take a hint. Finally, her attention turned to Lance. He sat in his own chair since he couldn't fit on the couch with the others. He posed once the cameras closed in on him and the audience ooh'ed and ahh'ed.
"There he is!" Roxanne exclaimed and giggled. "The razzle dazzle of the group and also... the lover of a certain Altean princess." More oohs from the crowd.
"Yeah, Princess Allura sends her regrets that she couldn't be here today, Roxanne. She had royalty...um things to take care of."
"Eloquent, Lance." Pidge muttered and he nudged her.
"It's alright. She's a busy woman. And I have to ask. What's keeping you busy since the war ended?" Roxanne asked.
Lance shrugged. "I've had a lot of adventure with these wonderful people the past couple years, but once the war was over, I just really missed my mom's home cooking. I spend time with my family making up for lost time."
The crowd aww'ed and Roxanne wiggled her brows. "I'm sure you're getting time together now. And I'm sure it won't be long until there's a royal wedding."
Lance laughed and gave a charming smile. "We'll see. You'll be the first to know, Roxanne."
Finally, the cameras shut off and Keith could shed the pleasant smile on his face. He removed his lapel mic before waiting to hand it off to the sound guy. He turned to leave, but stopped when he felt Shiro's cold mechanical hand on his arm. He still couldn't get used to the hovering prosthetic.
"You're in a hurry." Shiro said.
"I just want to leave." Keith muttered. His eyes scanned behind Shiro to Lance, Hunk, and Pidge standing in a semi circle, talking animatedly with Roxanne. "I want to go before-"
"Hey, Keith! Shiro!" Hunk called.
"Shit." Keith rolled his eyes and Shiro laughed. He gently nudged Keith along as they walked over.
"Let's go." He sang.
The gang greeted them and Roxanne threw an arm over Keith and he had to mentally try to not shrug her off.
"Paladins, we're having an after party at La Roux. You're all welcomed to come. Bring friends, okay?" She smiled wide and gave Keith a little jostle before departing. "I'll see you all tonight!"
"Aww yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" Lance exclaimed and did a little dance. Keith had to stifle his laugh, but Hunk and Pidge laughed.
"Yeah, man it's been a while since I've partied with people who weren't... what's the word?" Hunk said then paused.
"Scientists. Geeks. Unable to even snap on rhythm." Lance answered and Hunk nodded.
"Well, have a good time tonight." Shiro said. "It's late and I want to see Curtis before his late shift at the Garrison."
The three Garrison gang aww'ed and blew kisses at Shiro and he smiled. "Okay, Shiro. We get it. You're old and happy and living in domestic bliss." Lance laughed then looked to Keith. He tilted his head and smiled at him. It sent something warm bloom in Keith's stomach.
"What about you, team leader?" He asked and flashed a toothy grin. Keith had to look to the floor and cross his arms.
"I'm going back to my hotel. I have an early morning tomorrow. A mission to the Drysik quadrant." He said.
Lance shook his head. "You really need to cut loose and have fun for once, Mullet!"
"Yeah," Pidge said. "I mean, I don't like parties, but I guess I'll give it a try."
Keith waved them off. "It's okay. It was great seeing you all." He turned to leave and thankfully, Shiro actually let him.
That was the last he thought he'd see Lance until the next reunion, or talk show, or whatever the hell else dog and pony show that the paladins of Voltron had to do.
But back at his hotel, Keith had just gotten out of the shower, dapping his wet hair when he heard a knock on his door. Suspicious, Keith went for his blade and hid it behind his back. He slowly stepped to the door and peered through the the peek hole. His shoulders slumped when he saw Lance, hands behind his back and smiling.
Keith opened the door and Lance revealed what he was holding behind his back. A bottle of wine.
"Hey!" He said and invited himself in then immediately stopped when he saw the blade in Keith's hand. "Whoa... is that a knife in your hand or are you just happy to see me?" He wiggled his eyebrows.
Keith was still shocked to see him at his door. He shook his head. "What? What are you..." He peered outside of the door to see if Lance had brought anyone else to his hotel room. Seeing the empty hall, he closed and locked it.
"Lance, what are you doing here?"
Lance rose the bottle of wine as if the answer was so simple.
"I have an early morning tomorrow. Besides, shouldn't you be at some lavish hollywood party?'
Lance shrugged and made himself comfortable. He sat down on the couch and lifted his feet on the coffee table. "Hunk and Pidge bailed. It's no fun partying by yourself. It's actually really sad." He paused to ponder a moment then looked up to Keith. "Plus... I want to spend time with you."
The laugh that sputtered out of Keith's mouth wasn't intentional. It just happened. "Me? Why?"
Lance shrugged again. "I don't know. It's been months since we've seen each other and a stuffy late night talk show isn't really spending quality time." Keith still looked confused and Lance laughed. "I missed you, idiot."
"Oh." Keith said and finished patting his hair dry with the towel. He joined him on the couch. "I mean, thanks? I don't know. I'm not the most fun to-"
"Keith, stop." Lance waved him off. He stood up to find two glasses from the mini bar and came back to the couch. He poured them both a glass of wine. He raised it to clink glasses. "To Vol...to us." He said simply and Keith wasn't sure what to make of that. He just clinked glasses anyway and gulped the entire thing in one swig. He needed something to take his edge.
"Whoa." Lance laughed. "You okay?"
Keith set the glass down and nodded. "Yeah, why?"
"Nothing...nothing..." Lance took a small sip. "So, the blades are going to the Drysik quadrant tomorrow?"
"What?"
"Your mission? Tomorrow morning?" Lance reminded.
"Oh, right. Yeah." Keith stood to his feet. "Maybe you should go then? Thanks for stopping by."
"Wow. Kicking me out?" Lance didn't even budge. Instead he poured more wine into his glass and crossed his legs. "Real classy, mullet."
"Lance..." Keith sighed and looked down to him. "Seriously, what do you want?"
The amusement faded from Lance's face. He calmly set his wine down then looked back up to Keith.
"You've been avoiding me." He said. His voice seemed to dip a little lower and chills ghosted over Keith's arms.
"Come on, are you serious?"
"Yeah."
"Lance-"
"Keith." Lance pointed back. They waited in silence for a moment and all throughout that time, Keith could only think about a royal wedding. It's all he could think about since the talk show. The inevitable royal wedding between Lance and Allura. Allura. That's who Lance had chose. It was her. It was always her. Keith felt so dumb feeling the way he'd been feeling. It's a crush, he decided a few months ago. It's only a crush and it'll go away.
It's Lance. There's no way Keith likes him. There's no way Keith would ever be with him. It's not a possibility. It never will be. He's made his peace with that so the sooner Lance leaves his hotel room, the better.
But when he looked down to Lance's face, something bubbled inside of him. He wasn't sure what it was. Maybe it was jealousy? Anger? Frustration? He asked a question as gently as he could. "Are you going to ask Allura to marry you?"
The question really seemed to throw Lance off guard. He smiled then shook his head. "What?"
"At the talk show." Keith said. "Roxanne mentioned-"
"Oh." Lance laughed again and it was really starting to piss Keith off. "That's just television. You know, give 'em something to chew on."
"So... you aren't getting married?"
"I..." Lance blew out through his lips. "Geez, this is sudden. I don't know. Why? What does avoiding me have to do with Allura?"
Heat burned on Keith's cheeks. "I'm done with this. Just go, Lance, okay?"
Lance finally stood, leaving the wine. "Okay, okay. I can take a hint."
"Apparently not. I had to tell you like three times." Keith said as he showed Lance to the door.
Lance chuckled and turned to Keith as he opened the door. "Hey, would you still be my friend once I get married?" Lance asked. Keith became way too aware of how close he stood to Lance at the door. Despite his age increase on the space whale, Lance was still a smidge taller than him. Keith looked up to him, knowing that he was just inches away from kissing him. He held his resolve, but he didn't back up. And neither did Lance.
"I'll always be your friend, Lance." He said simply. Lance nodded at that answer.
"Good night, team leader."
"Good night, sharpshooter."
Keith closed the door and hovered for a moment. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. He isn't his. Lance would never, he'd never, well, he'd never even love him like he loves-
A soft knock on the door stopped Keith from spiraling. He didn't even think to grab his blade this time. He whisked the door open and Lance stood in the doorway. All the youthful joyfulness that usually accompanied Lance's features were gone. He stared down to Keith's eyes. The blue in his eyes seemed darker and he asked a question in such a soft voice. A voice Keith had never really heard before.
"What if I want to be more than friends?"
Keith couldn't hold it in any longer. He cupped Lance's face and brought his lips to his. Lance wrapped his arms around Keith's waist, nudging, waddling them back inside the apartment.
--
Keith rested his head back on the couch. Dr. Echardt offered him a glass of water and he took it. He'd been talking for a while. Here it comes. He knew it was coming. How could Keith do that? Lance was dating Allura. He had no right to kiss him first. Lance had no right to pick him off his feet in the hotel room, dropping him on the bed. And in turn, Keith had no right to rip Lance's clothes off like they were on fire. He's heard the spiel from Pidge, Hunk, Shiro, Coran, but surprisingly not Allura. She was crushed in every sense of word yet she never accused Keith of being a homewrecker like the rest of his friends did.
"Is that when you realized you were in love with Lance?" Dr. Echardt asked. This woman really was a woman of grace. She didn't react at all the way Keith thought she would have.
"I've always known I loved Lance. I...just thought it was unattainable." Keith said. He thought back to their first night together. "What made me realize we were meant for each other is the fact we both lied."
Dr. Echardt furrowed her brows. "Lied? How so?"
"Hunk and Pidge didn't bail on Lance. He bailed on them... to come see me." Keith scoffed at his own young stupidity. "I lied about the mission in the morning. I just couldn't stand being around Lance, feeling what I was feeling."
Dr. Echardt smiled and it felt warm. It was the only positive reaction he's ever had to this terrible thing he's done. "It seems the stars had aligned to get you two together. Do you believe in fate, Keith?"
He shrugged. "I'm not sure. So much fucked up shit has happened in my life. I don't know if that's meant to be."
"I'm not saying fate is real or just an idea. But our lives are made up of the choices we make. And even if something good came from that decision, we have to live with the unfortunate consequences that come with it." She said and Keith tried to follow her point. "How did your friend, Allura, take the news?"
Point made.
Keith nodded. "Lance told her immediately. Like the day after. They broke up and because they were such a public couple, we received a lot of heat. I received a lot of heat. But it makes sense I guess."
"Why does it make sense?"
"Look at the way our relationship started. No wonder we're having problems now. I'm just..." Keith trailed off. He didn't want to say the thing he's been saying mentally for the past three years they've been together. But the truth weighed heavy on his tongue and Dr. Echardt's silence pushed it over the edge. "I'm not good enough for Lance."
Tears. He didn't even realize he was crying until his eyes started to sting. Dr. Echardt handed him a tissue and he dabbed his eyes. He quickly consoled himself and sat upright, fixing a steely expression on his face.
Dr. Echardt left her seat and sat on the couch with Keith. "Have you ever said this to Lance?" She asked.
Keith quickly shook his head. "God, no. He's nothing but patient and sweet and I just fucking ruin everything." Keith balled up the tissue in his hand. "I can't give him anything that he wants. I can't even give him... He won't be a father and I know he'd be such a great dad. You should see him with his little niece and nephew and all his little cousins."
"Do you think you'd be a great father?"
"I don't know. It's a pointless question. It'll never happen."
"But if it did?"
Keith smiled as another tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped his eyes. "If there was another little Lance in the world, I'd do my damn best to be a great father."
Dr. Echardt smiled at him and patted his back. "Keith, there's one thing I want you to know before we end your portion of our session today." She held his hand and didn't even flinch at his wet fingers. He was teary, snotty mess.
"Your loss is something completely outside of your control. Most of what I've heard so far, you place a lot of blame on yourself. You put Lance's happiness on yourself. Lance is responsible for his happiness and you are responsible for yours. No one else's. How long has it's been since you've lost your baby?"
"It's been a year." Keith said weakly. He didn't want to break in front of her.
"And you're still grieving. And with the release of tears and grief, it allows healing to ebb and flow. It won't be a once and done thing. But when the grief does hit you like a wave, don't fight against the current. Flow and let it carry out. Do you understand?"
Keith sniffled. "I do."
Dr. Echardt grinned. "I believe in you two. You have a love for each other that's so plain to see. You'll both make it if you want to make it."
"Thanks Dr. Echardt." Keith wiped his eyes again.
"It's my pleasure. I look forward to seeing you next week. I'm going to be calling Lance for his session now."
"Alright." Keith stood and felt strangely full yet empty at the same time. He left her office and saw Lance sitting in the wait area. He stood immediately upon seeing Keith and his bloodshot eyes.
"Babe, what's wrong? You okay?" Lance cupped his face and Keith laughed.
"I'm fine. I'm fine." He released Lance's hands from his face. "It's your turn."
"Yeesh. That brutal, huh?"
"It's needed."
"Well, for you. I'll do it." Lance kissed his hand and continued on to Dr. Echardt's office door.
"Lance." Keith called and Lance turned. "I love you." He said barely above a whisper in case Nicole, the assistant, could hear him. Still, message was received.
Lance flashed him a huge smile. "I love you and always will." He said before entering the door.