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The more Sasha thought about it, the more she was convinced that something was wrong. Lately, the squad leader Hanji Zoë seemed to be overly present to her, as if she was standing out more into the battalion. When they met, Sasha paid little attention to her. She didn't noticed something out of the ordinary, except her excentricity and the weird fact that everybody seemed to trust her. Then, as days and missions executed under her leadership goes by, she progressively assessed her potential and her central position into the Survey Corps. She understood that she was a major asset for mankind survival. However, she felt that she understood it a bit more than everyone, as if she knew something the others didn't knew.
It's been weeks since she left Hanji's research assistant position. She took her old position back alongside her training corps friends. Since she came back, she didn't heard people laughing at the wacky commander, her colleagues from the Survey Corps knew her true worth and were respecting her.
She was still tormented by the events that took places in the Stohess disctrict, and by her confusion toward her own emotions. She had tried to pushed her feelings back by attribuated them to a dim maternal instinct. She had just spent 2 weeks with a women who was often distracted to the point of forgetting her own biological needs, so she came to the conclusion that seeing brats throwing rocks at this child older than her awaken in her a desir to protect her.
She tried her best to settle for this explanation, but she still had this discomfort, this knot in her throat she couldn't managed to untie. She then realized that deluding herself will not going to help her move forward.
Determined to find out what was wrong with her, she spent these last days to listening carefully as soon as her comrades mentionned Hanji's name. Sometimes she brought up the subject herself by nonchalantely talking about some of her last exploits. She was passively probing people, eager to know their opinion about their superior. She was looking for someone who shared the same feelings of admiration about her, she needed a proof that everything was fine and that she put too much thought into it.
However, the results of this survey weren't up to what she hoped for. Her friends and other colleagues were strangely indifferent to Hanji. Sometimes they recognized her qualities, but without great convictions. It was as if they were not aware of this obvious fact. She was once again helpless, she felt that her friends weren't living in the same world with the same Hanji Zoë.
One evening, when she once again whitnessed the ingratitude of her friends, she isolated herselft and sat under a tree to ponder about it.
Krista and Ymir, who noticed Sasha's confusion days ago, made a detour on the dorms way to talk to her.
"Sasha? Are you ok? You seems distracted these days" asked Krista as she slowly sat down besides her. She gestured Ymir to come sit with them.
"What's up potato girl" sighed Ymir with a bored expression. She didn't want to chaperoned her colleagues tonight. Krista sent her elbow in her ribs.
Sasha ignored Ymir's provocation and judged that it was the perfect opportunity to ask for the fateful question. She had enough and wanted to be clear about all of this. "Did you noticed something weird about Hanji lately?"
"Hum...No?" Krista and Ymir were looking at each other, confused, then turned to look at the chesnut-haired girl. "Weird like what?"
"You didn't noticed? You didn't noticed how...cool she is no matter what she is doing?just...How great of a human being she is?" In front of her friends puzzled expression, she felt that she had to go deeper. She hesitated, but judged that Krista and Ymir were trustworthy. They already gave her usefull advices in the past, and seemed to care about her wellbeing.
"You didn't noticed how dedicated she is to the Survey Corps? How she always give herself fully when it is coming to protect her people?" the lack of response from her friends incited her to pursuie. "You didn't noticed how much of a genius she is? Like when you are lost, surrounded by titans and she always have a way to get out? or all the things she know about titans? She is so endearing when she talks about them! She is so...cute when she is overexcited about something!". She was talking fast and accentuated every words with gestures of her hands. She was starting to get lost in her own thoughts and used forbidden words. She couldn't stop anymore, there were no longer a filter between her words and her thoughts.
"And how she can be very serious from one second to another! the gap personality is NnnGhh! just cute! And her voice! god her deep voice! I could listen to her talking for hours! please talk to me about anything I will listen to you! Oh and you didn't noticed how hansome she looks in her casual clothes?like...pants and shirts?!? Didn't you noticed how handsome she is?!". As she was finally out of breath she stopped her tirade. She groaned loudly then burried her face in her hands. She add in a softer tone "And I don't know why...I...I want...I want to smell her hair and brush her nose, and..." her voice trailed, she suddenly felt exhausted.
Dead silence around them. Krista and Ymir were speechless, taken aback by Sasha's confession. They didn't thought she was the type to feel such burning emotions. Sasha was a lively young woman, simple-minded who only thought of food and ways to get it. She had plain hobbies and was relatively social, a bit naive sometimes though. Knowing she was burning with passion for a superior was suprising.
"Weeell...we didn't, but you did obviously" finally answered Ymir with a smirk.
Krista smiled warmly at the young brunette "You seems to like her a lot"
Sasha suddenly straigtened "I don't! isn't it obvious? How amazing she is?"
"No not really. Sooo...when are you planing to confess?" teased Ymir
"Huh?"
"Y'know, telling Hanji all of that"
"Why would I do that?" Sasha was puzzeled
"Oh come on, you can't keep a huge crush like that to yourself, it'll spill otherwise"
"A crush? What are you even saying?" She stood up and started to panic. This conversation was taking a turn that she didn't like and her instinct was sreaming at her to flee from there.
"Calm down Sasha" attempted Krista, ready to run after her
"Oh lord, she's gay panicking now"
Krista shot a murderous glare at Ymir, who cowardly lowered her head.
"It's okay Sasha, it can happened. It simply mean that you are valualing her more than us. Which is good! Now come on it's getting late, we should go back to the dorm" Krista tried to change the subject. Judging from Sasha's state of panic, she obviously wasn't ready to assume her budding affection for her superior now. Krista was scared that it affect her life as a soldier, or worse, came to harmed her or their comrades on a mission. They'll have to work on it in the long term.
"Haha yeah okay" Sasha nervously laughed and followed Krista. She tried to ignored Ymir's words, she was obviously wrong. A crush, it's an absolute nonsense!
She thought back to Hanji and her incomprehensible feelings. All the things she just confessed to her friends were what she wanted to hear her comrades said about the squad leader. After days of probing and the conversation she just had with Krista and Ymir, she had to face the truth: no one other than her felt this way about Hanji.
Was it really nonsense for her to have a crush on Hanji Zoë? For her that didn't know a lot about it, and who never fell in love before?