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He got sick in the summer. By winter, he wasn’t able to go to class anymore. He refused to drop out, and managed the switch to online classes relatively smoothly. It helped when Yeonjun would bring over his own homework and they would work on assignments together. He would also bring snacks, games, and at least once a week their three best friends as well. It always cheered Soobin up, to be surrounded by the most important people in his life, and to temporarily forget that he was sick.
His parents had died when he was a baby, and left him with a trust fund large enough to finance the entire university he was enrolled in for many years, and the only family he had left was his halmeoni, but she lived far from Seoul, and was too old to make the trip down more than once every several months. For all intents and purposes, Soobin’s friends were his family. He was extremely grateful that money was not a cause of stress, and he could afford all of the treatment that his aggressive form of leukaemia demanded. Of course, he’d trade it all to be healthy again. To be able to go back to dance practices, to ride rollercoasters, even to go on a simple walk around the park. His body had grown so weak it was difficult for him to do much except rest in bed and type on his computer.
And then there was Yeonjun. His sweet, caring, ridiculously compassionate boyfriend who never asked to have a sick partner. Soobin was diagnosed six months after they started dating, after Yeonjun insisted he hadn’t been the one leaving the bruises and that it wasn’t normal for Soobin to be feeling so weak and tired despite not doing anything to cause it. When they found out, hands clasped in the too-bright doctor’s office, Soobin’s whole world came crashing down, and Yeonjun was the one to pick it up. On the nights when Soobin couldn’t stop crying due to the pain and the emotional toll battling cancer was taking on him, Yeonjun held him until he stopped. He wiped his cheeks, and gave him ice chips. He made sure Soobin was as comfortable as possible, and even yelled at a few nurses who didn’t treat Soobin to the standards he expected for him.
And when Soobin couldn’t even kiss him back, the chemo draining him that much, Yeonjun stroked his cheeks, and promised that he had saved enough of Soobin’s kisses to last him a lifetime. Soobin was positive that he would have given up already if he didn’t have his friends, and if he didn’t have Yeonjun. He was secretly waiting for the day when the boy would leave him, finally deciding that there was no point being with someone who only had a 40 percent chance of surviving his prognosis. He would realise that Soobin was a waste of time, and that he should be out enjoying his youth. He was a boy in his mid-20s who spent his Saturday nights helping Soobin lean over a bucket while he heaved up the contents of his stomach instead of out partying like he should be. It just wasn’t fair.
Soobin had a live-in nurse, who attended to him when Yeonjun was in class or at practice, and Soobin had tried multiple times to get Yeonjun to stop spending every evening with him, but the older flat-out refused. He had even gotten a little angry, hands clenched into fists and voice firm. Soobin had cried after, and then Yeonjun had comforted him, and Soobin hated himself. He hated that he had cancer, and he hated that he was ruining Yeonjun’s life. He hadn’t told anyone how he was feeling, not even the therapist that came by every Monday to talk with Soobin about his “feelings”. He kept his true thoughts tucked away, and they ate away at him faster than the cancer did.
There were good days, moderate days, and bad days. Today was a moderate day. Soobin felt okay enough to work on his English final, but his fingers started to twitch in pain after a few paragraphs, so he took lots of breaks. His nurse, an amazing woman called Chaeri, was in the kitchen preparing him some breakfast, and she was humming a soft song under her breath. Soobin missed singing. He couldn’t do it much now, it hurt his throat too much, but he could still appreciate listening to someone else do it. Yeonjun sang to him a lot, and his voice was so pretty it almost always made some of the pain go away. Or at least, distracted Soobin from it.
He reached over to grab his cup of water, sipping through the straw, before returning it to its place on the table. He puffed his cheeks out, staring at his screen, before deciding he had done enough for now. His professors had graciously given him an extension, and while he wished he didn’t need it, he was appreciative. He carefully saved the document, before pushing his laptop to the side and leaning back against his pillows. He stared out the window as he went over what his oncologist had told him yesterday after she had run her assessments. He wasn’t better, but he also wasn’t worse. Apparently, that was a good thing. No progress was preferred over regress. He would stay on his current brand of chemo, and be re-evaluated in four more weeks. A month of hell, of literally poisoning his body to get rid of the cancerous cells. He understood the science behind it, but as he stomach turned and he grabbed his sick bucket and heaved into it, he hated it.
Chaeri rushed back at the sound, and after taking the used bucket and replacing it with a clean one, she gave Soobin a comforting shoulder squeeze. “Is Yeonjun-ssi coming over today?” she asked, carefully checking Soobin’s central line and making sure it was still taped securely. Soobin nodded, eyes downcast as he leaned against his pillows, throat burning and stomach still angry. “I told him he should go to the fraternity mixer though, so he’ll be late,” he informed, voice quiet. Chaeri looked at him, a maternal concern in her eyes, before she switched out his saline bag for a fresh one. It kept him hydrated, even if it didn’t feel like it. “Do you want to watch a movie tonight? Maybe the new Studio Ghibli one that just came out?” she suggested. She always did things like that, attempts to take Soobin’s mind off of his situation, and bring him some small doses of happiness.
Soobin didn’t know if he’d be able to stay awake through a movie, but it did sound nice, so he smiled, nodding a bit. “Thanks, noona,” he replied. Chaeri bent down and kissed Soobin’s cheek, before going back to the kitchen. Soobin sighed, rubbing his eyes, before deciding to try and get some sleep before the chemo ultimately woke him up again.
It had started snowing outside when he opened his eyes. He blinked a few times as his brain slowly came to life. His body took much longer, and he didn’t move for many minutes as he stared. It looked so pretty, so fresh and white, blanketing every surface. Soobin didn’t know how many times he had left to see snow, so he tried to burn the image into his mind. His breathing was a bit shallow, but it was probably because he was twisted onto his central line, the bundle of tubes pressed into his skin. He exhaled, before very carefully rolling onto his back. The pinching sensation lifted, and he could breathe a bit easier. They weren’t currently hooked up to his bags of poison (chemo), and he assumed Chaeri had disconnected them while he slept. They’d be back that evening though.
It was late afternoon, meaning he had slept well over five hours, and he wasn’t surprised. He spent most of his hours nowadays asleep. The chemo took so much out of his body, it demanded rest all of the time. Soobin yawned, and wondered if he had enough strength for a bath. He felt a little gross, and towel baths given graciously by Chaeri only sufficed for so long. He swallowed, debating pressing the button that would alert Chaeri to come help him, but he didn’t want to disturb her. She worked hard, and if she was resting, she deserved to not be disturbed. It was a short walk to his bathroom, and he wasn’t tied down by any tubes or wires.
He took a deep breath—a feat in itself—before very slowly placing his feet on the ground and standing up. It felt a little weird, his legs shaky as he gripped his IV stand for balance. It took a few minutes, but eventually his legs started working, and he was steady. He even smiled to himself a bit, ignoring his racing heart and hazy vision. He decided not to push himself too far, and grabbed the little cane to help support himself. He took a few deep breaths, or as deep as he could make them, and started walking. It felt good to be mobile, to feel some sort of independence, and just the simple task brought his mood up more than any animated film could.
When he made it to the bathroom, he stared at the bathtub. While he would prefer to soak in hot water, he knew he wouldn’t be able to get out by himself. And so he toddled to the shower, carefully leaning in and turning on the water. He waited until it was the perfect temperature, and then sat down on the toilet seat to take off his clothes. He minded his central line, and then took the necessary steps to make sure every end was capped and protected from the water. A towel was already hanging over the shower door, and so he stepped him, closing it behind him.
While he would have loved to stay standing, his legs were already aching, and so he sat down in the shower chair that Chaeri had installed when she moved in. He let the hot water wash over him, and he closed his eyes, tilting his head back. It felt glorious, and some of his sadness washed down the drain along with all the oil and grime he had collected over the days of lying in bed sick. He managed to wash his hair, having to take some breaks because holding his arms up was difficult, but he did it regardless, and felt a million times better having clean hair. He wanted some conditioner too, so that it would be soft and silky when Yeonjun ran his fingers through it, but it was up higher. He stared at it, before gritting his teeth and pushing himself up. However, he didn’t go slow enough, and his foot caught on the drain of the shower, causing him to lose his balance.
Before he knew it, he was slipping, his knee cracking into the tiles, and his elbow hitting the shelves, causing the conditioner as well as some body washes Yeonjun left to fall on top of Soobin, hitting his skin painfully. He gasped out, ducking his head, and when everything stilled, he sat in a heap on the shower floor, knee scraped and elbow pulsing. He breathed fast, too fast, and his vision swam. After processing the physical pain, he teared up, hating that he couldn’t even grab a bottle of conditioner without hurting himself. He managed to move into a foetal position, covering his face with his hands as he cried into them. He hated that he was losing control over his body, that he couldn’t even take a shower without help. He hated that he was sitting in the shower crying like a baby. He hated that he had been dealt such a shitty hand in life, and he hated that he wished the cancer would just kill him already.
Chaeri must have heard the crash, because she was there in seconds, opening the shower door and turning off the water. Soobin wasn’t embarrassed that he was naked, Chaeri was his nurse after all, she had seen it all many times. She didn’t ask what happened, and instead just wrapped the towel around Soobin’s shoulders, and sat there with him for a moment. She stroked his wet hair, and let him cry. Soobin felt so embarrassed, so defeated, and he didn’t know how he was supposed to feel better after this. After a bit though, he got too tired to even cry, and his sobs subsided to sniffles. His tears still leaked out, but his throat had closed up and he couldn’t make any noises. Chaeri got up then, and returned with a kit to clean the cut on his knee, and then she helped him stand.
After getting him dried and dressed, she guided him back to the bed, and checked his central line to make sure it hadn’t been damaged in the fall. It was okay, and so she tended to his elbow and knee some more. She stayed silent, and so did Soobin, staring out at the falling snow, his mind running. When he was fixed up and tucked back in, Chaeri made him eat a small bowl of rice. She sat on the end of his bed as he did, rubbing his calf comfortingly. “Do you want me to call Yeonjun-ssi?” she asked. Soobin hesitated. Of course he wanted Yeonjun, his heart ached just at the mention of his boyfriend, but then that voice in his head shouted at him that he was being selfish and to leave the older to his mixer. So he shook his head, a few more tears dripping down his cheeks.
Chaeri didn’t reply, only took his semi-empty bowl and left, closing the door behind her. Soobin sniffled a few more times, before lying down. The whole ordeal had drained him so much that he couldn’t even keep his eyes open. He closed them, and curled up, desperately wishing Yeonjun was there to hold him, kiss him, tell him that he loved him. But no, Soobin would not be needy.
He woke up when he felt his sheets rustle, and he assumed it was just Chaeri coming to hook up his central line or make sure he was still alive. However, when he inhaled, he instantly picked up on the sharp minty-ness that was Yeonjun’s scent. He couldn’t open his eyes, but he whimpered a little as he felt a careful arm slip around his waist, and a chest pressed gently against his back. Yeonjun’s legs tangled with Soobin’s longer ones, and his face pressed into Soobin’s neck, lips at his ear. Soobin didn’t have the energy to move, but Yeonjun only held him a bit tighter, pressing a few kisses behind Soobin’s ear. He nuzzled the skin there, before exhaling, relaxing a bit.
Soobin could only lean his head back slightly in greeting, before sleep pulled him back under.
The next time Soobin woke up, it was the middle of night, and it was because of Chaeri. She gave him a soft smile as she hooked up the chemo wires to his central line. He had been moved onto his back, and when he remembered who had joined him earlier, he quickly twisted his head. Yeonjun was there, sitting propped up against the pillows, and he smiled gently as their eyes met. He looked sleepy, but also like he had been awake for a while. Soobin blinked a few times, and when Chaeri was finished, he turned to face Yeonjun a bit better. The older put his phone down, and leaned down to kiss Soobin. He held his face so gently, as if it was breakable glass, and his lips were soft. Soobin never could kiss back all that well, but he did his best, eyes fluttering.
When the older pulled back, Soobin opened his eyes, staring at him. He studied the slope of his nose, his sharp eyes, his full lips, the way his hair fell over his eyes. He really was the most beautiful person Soobin had ever met. How they ended up together would be a mystery he would spend the rest of his short life trying to solve. “What are you thinking, baby?” Yeonjun asked, reaching out and tracing Soobin’s dimple. Soobin turned his cheek into the touch, and shrugged a bit. “Just how much I love you,” he whispered. Yeonjun smiled, moving to lie down and carefully cuddle the taller.
Chaeri, who had been readjusting Soobin’s IV bags and going over his vital checks for the night, walked over, patting Soobin’s un-injured knee. She was used to being around the couple while they were being affectionate with each other, and neither party minded. Chaeri had a talent of keeping her face blank, if not a bit adoring. “I’ll be back in four hours with breakfast, alright?” she asked. Soobin nodded, giving her a grateful smile. She looked to Yeonjun, arching a brow. “He needs his rest, understand?” she asked, a bit of that maternal lilt entering her tone. Yeonjun nodded, turning as Soobin moved to rest his head on his chest. “Thank you, noona,” Yeonjun replied, bowing his head a bit. Chaeri smiled, before ruffling his hair and leaving the two alone.
Soobin exhaled, the chemo already working its magic and making him feel like shit. Yeonjun noticed, and did what he always did. He talked, about the mixer and about his day, and Soobin hung on to every word. He didn’t respond, but he smiled or giggled softly when Yeonjun said something funny. It was nice, and Soobin played with Yeonjun’s fingers as he grew sleepier. He supposed that at least he had been able to fall in love before he got sick. If there was a silver lining to any of this, it was the time he got to spend with his boyfriend. Sure, they would never get married or have kids or go on all of the adventures they had once fantasised about, but at least they had what they did. Soobin got to experience something rare, and maybe he should start focusing on that, instead of his inevitable demise.
But maybe it would be better to let Yeonjun go. To release him before Soobin got really bad, before he couldn’t eat or speak or do anything for himself. Of course, there was the chance that he would get better, but he didn’t want to believe that. He wanted to prepare for the worst, and he wanted Yeonjun to be okay when he was no longer here. And the longer he stuck around, the less confident he was that he’d be able to let him go when the time came.
He didn’t even know he was crying until Yeonjun was suddenly tilting his head up, his own expression scared. He wiped Soobin’s cheeks with shaky hands as he looked over him, voice breaking. “What is it, baby? What hurts? Do you feel like you’re going to be sick?” he asked in a rush, tripping over the words. Soobin blinked a few times, before shaking his head, letting himself be held up by his boyfriend. Yeonjun’s eyes lost a bit of their panic, but he still didn’t relax.
“Why are you crying, sweetheart?” he asked, quieter, softer. Soobin sniffled, before he used the last of his energy to sit up. Yeonjun’s hands fell from his body, and he looked up at Soobin, a bit scared. Soobin swallowed roughly, before speaking. “What if I get worse?” he whispered. Yeonjun opened his mouth to protest, but Soobin cut him off, voice getting a little louder as he got more emotional. Once he admitted the first thing, it was like the floodgates opened and he couldn’t stop everything from pouring out. “Why are you still here? Why don’t you just leave while you can? I don’t want you to be here when I-,” he cut himself off then, seeing Yeonjun’s eyes widen as he filled in the blank, but Soobin continued on.
“You deserve to be out partying, drinking, hooking up with random strangers and just being young,” he rambled, breath coming in quicker gasps and tears falling down his cheeks again. Yeonjun stared at him in shock, mouth parted, skin pale. “You don’t deserve this! And I don’t deserve you,” his voice broke on the last bit, and he looked down, wiping his eyes. His words hung heavy in the space between them, and the silence stretched on. Soobin sniffled, unable to look Yeonjun in the eye, and he already regretted what he had said. It’s not that he didn’t believe the words, he just regretted unloading it all onto him without any warning.
After at least ten minutes, Yeonjun moved. And Soobin felt his heart drop as Yeonjun swung his legs and stood up. It was a reflex when he reached out to try and stop him, assuming he was actually going to leave. Which kind of flew in the face of everything he had just said. But Yeonjun didn’t leave. What he did do was kneel on the floor in front of Soobin, taking each of his hands and looking up at the boy. He waited, and when Soobin finally met his eyes, he could see the sheen of tears, and the pain. He had caused that pain, and he hated it. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. How did he spare Yeonjun all of the heartache of being with him without breaking his heart in the process? It was a complete lose-lose, and Soobin wished he could just disappear.
“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun said, squeezing his hands gently. Soobin looked at him, vision a bit hazy. He didn’t know if it was because of his tears or the chemo entering into his bloodstream. “I am not going to leave you because you’re sick,” Yeonjun continued, emphasising each word. “You being sick hasn’t changed how I feel about you, and it hasn’t changed the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter how long that may be,”. Soobin felt Yeonjun’s tears drip onto his hands, and he weakly held his hands tighter, trying to show some sort of comfort. Yeonjun’s expression changed a bit then, a flash of agony crossing his features before it was replaced with a calm sense of finality. “And if that time ends up being shorter than we expected, I will spend the rest of my life cherishing it, and remembering you,” he whispered.
Soobin had to pull one of his hands away to cover his eyes as he started to cry in earnest, his emotions and Yeonjun’s words affecting him strongly. The older got up off the floor, moving back onto the bed. “Lie down, sweetheart, come on,” he breathed, helping Soobin rest back into the pillows, minding his wires and making sure they didn’t get tangled up. When he was settled, he reached for Yeonjun, who captured his embrace and curled up to him, intertwining their fingers. He looped one arm under Soobin’s shoulders, and Soobin turned his face into Yeonjun’s neck, closing his eyes. They stayed quiet as Soobin’s breathing slowed, and Yeonjun pressed kisses into his hair. The hand that wasn’t in Soobin’s rubbed his arm, all comforting.
“You’re so strong, Soobin, and you can beat this, I know you can,” Yeonjun whispered, sliding down a bit so that his forehead pressed against Soobin’s. Soobin weakly curled in closer, eyes fluttering shut. He was so tired. “I love you so much, I hope you know that,” Yeonjun murmured, his lips brushing Soobin’s. Soobin swallowed, before nodding a little, squeezing their locked hands. “I love you t-too,” he managed, voice thin. Yeonjun hummed, and when Soobin tilted his head up a bit, Yeonjun kissed him. When they broke apart, Soobin exhaled, letting himself relax as Yeonjun adjusted the covers and made sure Soobin was as comfortable as possible. “Don’t ever try and break up with me again, you understand?” he teased, voice still soft, a hint of seriousness in his tone.
Soobin lifted the corners of his lips, before nodding, the tendrils of sleep pulling him down fast. He felt a pair of lips on his forehead, and Yeonjun telling him to go to sleep, and so he did.