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It was a slippery slope at first. For Alec, talking about heavy things always was. But Magnus was patient and seemed to understand that Alec couldn’t just share, that there were connotations and insecurities and outright anxieties that plagued him when he tried to. Magnus was better at reading Alec than Alec was at reading Alec, and it scared him. He was used to being ignored, dismissed, or even belittled. He wasn’t used to someone listening to him.
Alec bit his lip, avoiding Magnus’s expectant stare. He’d been silent for too long.
He knew he should just tell Magnus, that Magnus would take it in stride and they would figure it out just like they always did. But the fear was paralyzing and they’d come so far. Alec didn’t know that he could handle it if he lost the one good thing in his life because he was fucking defective. Images of other times, other people, swam in his mind. He knew that Magnus wouldn’t care, knew Magnus would love him even if he couldn’t satisfy everything Magnus desired, but then coming out was always a little terrifying.
“Alexander,” Magnus said, and it was a prompt and a comfort all at once. Alec took a deep breath and closed his eyes, not wanting to see the look on Magnus’s face when he told him the truth. What if he was wrong? What if Magnus didn’t want to be with him anymore? What if -
Magnus placed a gentle hand on Alec’s arm. He’d noticed Alec’s breathing pick up. Alec smiled and squeezed his boyfriend’s fingers gratefully.
“I, uh…” Alec cursed himself and his anxiety, digging his teeth into his lower lip. Magnus wouldn’t care. They’d been through worse things.
“I’m bad at this,” Alec confessed needlessly. Magnus knew he was bad at this, bad at talking and communicating like a normal fucking person.
“That’s okay,” Magnus reassured him immediately. “Take your time.”
Alec sucked in a deep breath and willed his hands to stop shaking. He had to do this. He couldn’t keep evading and hiding from Magnus’s advances for the rest of their lives. He didn’t want to. Concealing such a huge part of himself from the person he loved the most made him feel terrible and he hated it. He didn’t have a choice. He had to tell Magnus if he wanted to be fully honest with the man who’d given him so much.
Almost as if he had read Alec’s mind, Magnus spoke up, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’d like to know, but that’s up to you. My actions obviously made you uncomfortable, and you know that I won’t do it again now that I’m aware of how it makes you feel. You don’t have to explain, Alexander. A simple ‘no’ will always be good enough.”
Alec swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat and mumbled, “I know.” He took a deep breath. “I know I don’t have to. I want to.”
“Okay, Alec. If you’re sure.”
Alec nodded. He squeezed his hands into fists and inhaled shakily. It was now or never.
“Idon’tlikesex,” Alec rushed out. Magnus, to his benefit, looked rightfully confused.
“Er, what?”
“I don’t like sex,” Alec repeated, much slower this time. His hands were clenched so tightly that his nails dug into his palms. “I’m asexual.”
The loft was quiet for a minute, and Alec witnessed a slew of emotions cross Magnus’s face - confusion, denial, anger, understanding, and finally, sharp guilt that made Alec wince.
“I - how long have you known?” Magnus asked incredulously.
“Uh, all my life?”
Magnus’s eyes flashed. “You’ve known you’re ace this entire time and you didn’t tell me?!”
Alec cringed guiltily, looking away. “Yes?” He tangled his fingers in the fabric of his slacks. He hadn’t expected this. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but it wasn’t for Magnus to get angry with him. Fear crept its way up his throat, threatening to strangle him. Oh god, what had he done?
“For Lilith’s sake, Alexander,” Magnus cursed. He shook his head and focused his gaze on his lap. “I’ve been hurting you for months and I didn’t even know.” He caught his lip between two teeth and bit down hard, and Alec suddenly understood. Magnus wasn’t angry with him. He was angry with himself.
“That’s not your fault, Magnus,” Alec hastened to reassure him. “You didn’t know.”
“I should’ve known,” Magnus persisted. “I saw that you were a little awkward, thought you might be uncomfortable, but I didn’t think - ” He groaned and ran a hand down the length of his face. “I thought you were intimidated by me,” he confessed. “I assumed you were ashamed of your own lack of experience. I tried to make you comfortable with it, with the idea of sex.” His bottom lip trembled, and that was the last straw for Alec.
He got up from the armchair he was perched in and moved to join Magnus on the couch, wrapping an arm around him and hushing him softly. “Magnus, it’s okay,” he promised the warlock. “You didn’t know.”
Magnus blew out a hard breath, choking on something that sounded suspiciously like a sob. A few tears dripped from his golden, unglamoured cat eyes. “That’s just it, Alexander. I should have known. I should have checked on you and communicated with you like a good boyfriend instead of coming onto you and making you feel uncomfortable with all of those unwanted advances.”
He turned and cupped Alec’s face in his hands, staring at him worriedly with guilt-filled, wet eyes. “Are you okay, Alexander?” The raw concern and genuine care for Alec’s wellbeing made tears rise to his eyes, and Magnus began to panic. “Oh god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to - ”
“Magnus, Mags, it’s okay,” Alec said hurriedly, curling his hands around Magnus’s own fluttering ones. “It’s fine, I promise. It’s my own fault for not telling you.” He kissed each of Magnus’s cheeks tenderly. “I promise it’s okay. I told you, didn’t I? Back there? I was uncomfortable, and I told you to stop. And what did you do?”
“I stopped,” Magnus answered immediately, without thinking. “Of course I stopped. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Exactly,” Alec said softly. He pressed a gentle kiss to Magnus’s forehead. “I know you’d never continue with anything sexual after I said no. I knew the moment I said to, you would stop. And you did. You’ve done nothing wrong, Magnus.”
Magnus huffed and wiped at his eyes, smearing kohl across his cheekbones. Alec thought it gave him a rugged, handsome look, but he refrained from saying so.
“You know we have to talk about this, right?” Magnus said, clearing his throat. “About what you just told me.”
A spark of anxiety shot through Alec’s heart. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“Of course I don’t mind,” Magnus scoffed, looking mildly offended. “I’m not with you for your body, Alec. I couldn't care less.”
Alec smiled, letting out a long sigh of relief. “Thank Raziel.”
“Did you really think I would?”
“No, I mean - no,” Alec replied. “No, I know you. I knew you wouldn’t care. I just - I’ve had bad experiences in the past, and I, I was just nervous, I guess.”
“Is that why you waited so long to tell me?” Magnus’s voice was soft, free of judgement.
“Yeah,” Alec croaked out. “Yeah, that, and I just wanted to make absolutely sure that I was.”
Magnus raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
Alec sighed and curled closer to Magnus, who slipped an arm around him and pulled him into his side. “I mean, like I said, I’ve had some, ah, bad experiences.” He sighed and began to fiddle with Magnus’s rings, the mindless activity soothing him as he began to recount the event that had haunted his adolescence.
“When I was younger, I told Izzy and Jace that I was asexual and they, uh, they laughed.” Magnus’s hand tightened around his. “Izzy said I’d change my mind when I was living a ‘boring, sexless life’ and Jace said that I just hadn’t found the right person yet. That I’d understand when I found someone that could make me feel good.”
Alec sighed and stared at his lap. “So when I met you, I thought, I mean, I assumed, that they were right and it’d be wonderful.” He cringed and worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “But it’s been months and it still makes me uncomfortable. And you’re, you know, you, so it’s not like partners have anything to do with it.” Magnus chuckled and pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s knuckles at that. Alec sighed and rested his head on Magnus’s shoulder. “I hope you aren’t too mad at me.”
“Of course I’m not mad at you,” Magnus reassured him quietly. “You were scared and unsure. I understand. I just wish I’d been more perceptive and realised something was wrong before now.”
Alec smiled and planted a soft kiss to his collarbone. “Not your fault.”
Magnus didn’t say anything, and Alec decided to count that as a win, relaxing into his boyfriend’s arms.
“We’ll talk about this, right?” Magnus questioned, running his fingers through Alec’s messy black hair. “You can tell me what you are and aren’t comfortable with, so we can avoid a situation like the one that brought us here in the future. Maybe it’d be good to have a list?” He bumped Alec’s shoulder with his own. “You know how much I like to be organised.” He placed a soft kiss to Alec’s forehead. “Would that be okay?”
Alec chuckled and hid the goofy grin that erupted on his face at his boyfriend’s words in Magnus’s jacket. “That sounds perfect.”
“Great,” Magnus said, shifting slightly to accommodate Alec, who had slowly moved closer and closer until Magnus was abruptly met with a lapful of Shadowhunter.
“Mmm, later, though,” Alec mumbled against Magnus’s shoulder. “Not righ’ now.” This elicited a chuckle from his boyfriend, who stroked a thumb along the creases of Alec’s forehead with care.
“Yes,” Magnus agreed, brushing his fingers through Alec’s hair and scratching over his scalp, “Right now, it seems like someone’s a little sleepy.”
Alec gave a low hum of protest at the statement but made no effort to move. Magnus chuckled and flicked his fingers, transfiguring the couch into something a little more comfortable and closely resembling their bed. He maneuvered Alec into a resting position, laying down with him and pulling the unresisting Shadowhunter back into his arms.
“M’cold,” Alec whined, burying his face in the crook of Magnus’s neck. Magnus felt like his heart might explode. Sleepy Alec was his absolute favourite Alec, not that he’d ever say so to the other man. He flicked his fingers again and covered them both with a blanket from the bedroom, tucking the sides in around Alec until he was fully wrapped in the quilt. He made a noise of contentment that sounded something like a purr, and Magnus felt his heart skip a beat. By his Alexander’s Angel, he loved this man.
Before Alec drifted off to sleep, Magnus carded his fingers through his hair and said, “Is this okay?” He was fairly certain it was, based on Alec’s reactions and how much they’d cuddled in the past, but after their conversation, he wasn’t taking any chances. He wanted to make absolutely certain that Alec was comfortable.
“Mmhmm,” Alec hummed, and when Magnus squeezed his hand under the covers, a prompt for more, he said, “Yes, this is perfect.”
“Good.” Magnus placed a soft kiss to Alec’s forehead. “Go to sleep, Alexander.”
Not even two seconds had passed before Alec’s soft snores filled the apartment, and Magnus had to smile. He was the luckiest man on this earth to have Alec Lightwood in his arms.
With that, Magnus snuggled closer to the warmth his boyfriend's body provided and promptly fell asleep himself.