Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A young man stands alone on a space lilypad. It just so happens that it is this young man’s best bro’s 16th birthday. We all know this young man’s name.

Your name is Dave Strider and you have just won the game. Let’s rephrase that. Your name is Dave Strider and ONLY you have won the game. It all happened so quickly, you didn’t have enough time to save them all. How ironic.

One of the Jacks, you can’t remember which one, killed Terezi. You think it was the lazer one, but you’re not entirely sure. You could have saved her, but you didn’t and it all went downhill from there. Dirk sacrificed himself to help you kill all of the Jacks in one fell swoop via decapitation and had a heroic death. (From what you knew about him, you think he would have liked that.)

The Condesce was somehow able to get control of Jane with some bullshit mind-control powers and made a self-sacrificial shishkebab out of Kanaya, Rose, (trying to protect Kanaya) and John. (trying to protect Rose) You don’t think any of them really understood how long that 2x3dent was. Roxy was able to stab HIC through the heart, or whatever the fuck the troll equivalent of that is, with some doomed timeline Dirk’s sword. You don’t know how Jane and Roxy got killed, and you really don’t want to imagine them fighting each other. You have enough depression on your plate already.

Jake went out in a blaze of Hope, quite literally, and you see quite a lot of temporal manipulation over there, so you honestly have no fucking clue how any of that happened. And Karkat. He- h- he fell into a volcano. You honestly have no idea how unlucky he has to have been to have done that. It’s just so hilarious and awful can’t help but start laughing.

Oh, it seems you’ve also started crying, when did that happen. Ha. There’s no-one around to see you cry. Jade’s also dead somehow and now Earth is just floating around in the middle of nowhere after being ejected from her Sylladex. Well, there go your plans for creating a new Earth. You have no idea where in paradox space she is, what with her teleporty bullshit, but you know she’s dead by the fact that you tried to use a shared fraymotif with her but it failed. You sincerely doubt it was because of distance, but by god can you hope.

Oh god, you hope you’re not alone here with Gamzee. Oh dear sweet jegus you hope he died when the planet blew up. That would truly be a fate worse than death. Also, you’re pretty sure he had some sort of spade crush on you from way back when. Augh, even the thought of it makes you shiver. And you’re also 99% sure he or the dog Jack (so fucking many Jacks) somehow killed Jade, so, just fuck those guys. You fucking hope The Mayor made it out alive, you really couldn’t deal with him dying too.

You guess that’s enough time for brooding on the edge of the lilypad. Time to claim your “Ultimate Reward.” Woo fucking hoo. Wait, shit, what about Lord English?

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at ??:??

TG: B33 < hey so i guess were the last ones
TG: yeah
TG: what happened to the other sprites?
TG: B33 < nothing yet but the game has started unraveling them like a kitten batting a ball of yarn
TG: wait shit really
TG: B33 < what use does a guide have if the game is done?
TG: fuck
TG: what about the army
TG: B(( < efurryone is dead
TG: what the fuck how
TG: B33 < you know how youre the only purrson who can kill lord english
TG: i have no idea what youre talking about dogg
TG: or cat
TG: or like crow or whatever the fuck you identify as now
TG: have you taken up the purrmusk name shit i knew my furry roleplaying days would come back to bite me
TG: B33 < well im planning on going out on my own terms
TG: wait what no
TG: B33 < so anyways im gonna go impale lord english on the welsh piece of shit.
TG: dude what no that is a very bad idea
TG: B33 < im gonna fly him up into the green sun like a piece of fucking garbage
TG: wait no davepeta please im begging you stop

turntechGodhead [TG] ’s computer internally combusted

TG: well shit

Well shit indeed, guess you’re really all alone now, huh. There’s really else nothing left for you here. What use is a knight if there’s no-one left to serve. You guess Karkat lived long enough to release the frog, because it’s floating back there in all it’s tecnicolor glory. You wonder if you’ll have to create a new world from scratch. God, you hope not. You have no idea how to do anything worldbuildy. That was Jade’s (hurts) area of expertise. Well, you guess you’d just better take the plunge.

> Dave: Finish sbu-

Wait no. You have to do this properly. You first head to Derse to collect Jane, Roxy, John, Kanaya and... you can’t bring yourself to look at any of them, least of all your ecto-sister. But you’ll have to right? You’ve got to do this. You’ve seen dead Daves before, this won’t be any different. (you try not to think about how that was years ago, as well as just you.) You turn to look at them and- oh god, oh god you can’t you just can’t. This is so much worse. Pools of red, jade and fuschia are just swirling together and you can't, you just CAN’T so you just throw up. You know Bro would beat your ass for showing this much emotion, but you honestly don’t have the energy to care right now, and you honestly couldn’t give less of a shit about his opinion anymore.

You captchalogue the bodies except for the condesce because honestly, fuck her. Just FUCK HER. You stop in your tracks. You turn back around and face the body of the final ruler of trollkind. You don’t even notice yourself equipping caledscratch, it just happens. Next thing you know you find yourself covered in fuchsia blood with her head in your hands. Didn’t even feel satisfying. A crowd has started to gather, dersite pawns looking in disbelief about yet another Strider decapitating yet another commanding dersite official. You’re beyond caring.

You fly to LOHAC. You’ll always know where it is.

You think about throwing the bodies in the lava, it's what you did with your doomed selves after all, but you can’t help but feel that it wouldn’t be right. They are- were worth more than that. (Rose would probably have something to say about how you value yourself too little but it doesn’t matter now that she’s-) You can’t continue with that train of thought so you don’t. In fact you don’t think much of anything at all as you bring out your timetables. Logically you know that this won’t work and will just create more dead Daves but you are past caring.

youcanstillsavethemyoucanstillsavethemyoucanstillsavethemyoucanst - dead daves surround you - youcanstillsavethemyoucanstillsavethemyoucanstillsa - hundreds of Daves pile up around you - youcanstillsavethemyouca - half of the gears in LOHAC are covered in bodies - youcanstillsavethemyoucansti- a Dave comes up to you and shakes his head. He’s killed by an ogre seconds later. - youcanstillsavethemyoucanstillsavethemyoucanstill- you- you can’t do this. You let out a guttural yell. it doesn’t matter nothing matters what’s the point some ultimate reward sburb keeps fucking us what was the point- no. You know what? No, you’re not doing this. You’re not going down this pit of self-loathing. You’re not going to let their deaths be in vain. You’re actually going to do shit.

You fly back to the lilypad. They would have wanted to have been buried in the world they created. You reach for the door, hand shaking from what? Fear, trauma, anticipation? It doesn’t matter. You turn the knob that is another goddamn skaia ball, I mean seriously why are there so many? Actually there’s only like two but who gives a shit.

> Dave: Get on with it already

Okay, okay, you know you’re stalling, but this is kind of a big deal, ya know? I mean this is an entirely new universe. You’re no seer, you don’t know what the fuck’s out there. You’re not sure if you can just leave all this behind, I mean, fuck, this is a huge decision, you can’t just rush this shit.

> Dave: Just fucking do it

Alright, jeez, pushy ass omnipotent voice. You finally open the door and-

You wake up. In a bed. Holy shit you’re sleeping in a bed. What the fuck. You look around and- holy shit it’s your room. But, it’s not. It’s like if your room was twice as big and had actual furniture. And what the actual fuck is that a legit dark room??? Whuh- uh, huh??? You realize the fact that you can easily comprehend the complexities of time travel but not the fact someone gives enough of a shit to actually get you a dark room is pretty damn ironic.

Oh shit is this really your room? Okay maybe you should actually get out of here before whoever owns this admittedly cool as fuck room gets bac- SLAM. The door opens. You quickly try to look asleep while assessing the situation.

And then you hear a familiar voice. A friendly voice. It’s almost sounds like-

“Hey Daveyyyyyy wake up, time for breakfast!! Rosey is waiting for you downstairs!”

...

What the fuck-

Chapter Text

Okay, okay, okay, you’re fine, you’re not freaking out that Rose’s mom just told you to go to breakfast with Rose downstairs. Yaknow, despite the fact that you literally have her DEAD BODY in your sylladex. Oh god you have dead bodies in your sylladex. Holy shit, holy fuck how do you dispose of all of your friends and families dead bodies? Man, you did not think that you would ever have to think that, but it seems today is just fucking full of surprises.

Okay, no that may be very important, but holy shit Rose is fucking alive. You take back everything you said about sburb, actually it killed her in the first place, so still fuck that, but thank god. Wait can you thank yourself since you’re a god? How did you never think of that, that’s fucking hilarious. Dave, focus. There more important things than Rose’s spontaneous resurrection, like finding out where the fuck you are. Actually, you argue, the fact that Rose is alive is stupidly fucking important. Yeah, point, but you have no idea what’s going on, so time for some snooping around in your own room. Or at least you assume it’s your room.

It’s like your room, but if it was in Rose's house, which makes sense, considering that you, or some alternate version of you, seems to live with them, judging by the very momly way that Alt Roxy woke you up. Though from what you’ve seen of her that is pretty much a facet of her personality. Wait did you replace this timeline’s Dave? You know what nope, you’ve ignored existentialism about your alternate selves for this long, not gonna start now.

You head over to your computer at an actual desk (is this like some fucking antique mahogany desk or some shit? you knew rose’s mom was loaded but what the fuck) to do some recon on weither or not your friends remember the game. You mean, they probably do, but as you’ve learned over the years, it’s better safe than sorry. And also paradox space likes to fuck with you constantly, though you’re pretty sure it did that to everybody. This is not a very comforting train of thought.

You log into your fancy-ass computer and open up Pesterchum, checking your chumroll on the side. There is John, and Rose, the alternates of your guardians, a few other tags you don’t recognize, and a distinct lack of the trolls. Fuck. You type in carcinoGeneticist and are met with a non-existent user error. Double fuck. Wait, didn’t they use Trollian or some shit? Maybe without sburb you can’t cross connect? Okay, admittedly your theory makes absolutely no fucking sense, but despite the fact that they had some funky-ass letters, it still came out in perfect english, leetspeak and all, so anything’s possible.

You try a few more times with all of the trolls, even the ones you forgot about. You mean who the fuck had a handle named centaursTesticle? Man, you wish you spoke to the other trolls more before, well the whole psychomurderer 3x combo that happened. Man your thoughts sure are depressing today. It’s probably because you saw all you friends and family die and STILL HAVE THEIR DEAD BODIES, which is still kind of a FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUE, but it’ll be fine with some good old fashioned denial and distraction. Yup, let’s just focus on other things now.

Maybe it’s just your computer that’s the problem? You decaptchalogue your turntop out of your array modus. Look, you know it’s boring, but after a hearty FUCK sends your last bottle of JUICE into the clutches of a murder clown, the gimmick gets quite old. Looking at the computer, the handles are still there, just greyed out. Progress. You decide to just type something random to Karkat.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TG: hey karkat are you uh fucking alive i guess
TG: are you not dead
TG: or wait are you in the dream bubbles or some shit
TG: where/when are you
TG: where/when am i
TG: fuck man i should know this im the time guy
TG: everyone just goes up to me and is like hey are you the guy who knows about time
TG: and im like fuck yeah i know about time
TG: time is my jam
TG: give them some sagely advice
TG: like dont go to brunch on thursday
TG: youll get some soggy ass pancakes
TG: go to waffle house instead
TG: also get the hashbrowns
TG: those waffle house hashbrowns are the shit
TG: i mean yeah the waffles are fucking heavenly
TG: its in the name for gogs sake
TG: its not called hashbrown house
TG: but imagine if someone made a chain restaurant that primarily served hashbrowns
TG: but anyways he just walks away at this point like a jackass
TG: and goes to the fucking ihop anyway
TG: and the pancakes are soggy as shit
TG: i warned you about the pancakes bro
TG: i told you dog
TG: but seriously are you there
TG: am i just talking into the void
TG: because usually by now youd be telling me to shut my windpipe or whatever the hell the troll word is
TG: so im just going to assume these are not going through
TG: well i hope youre okay i guess
TG: let me know if you need anything

Oh my god why did you say that, “let me know if you need anything” he can’t fucking hear you. Ahhh you’re such an idiot. You bang your head on your desk. Right, sburb, you need to see if that’s a thing. You are about to open up a board or a memo or some shit, but there’s already one with everyone applicable on it. Huh. How convenient.

turntechGodhead [TG] opened memo on Dirk please stop changing the title of the board to a link to All Star. (or never gonna give you up (this applies to you too, Dave.)) -Jane

TG: hey so do any of you guys remember sburb
TG: i mean if you dont thats chill and all
TG: but if you do than thatd be pretty cool if you let me know
TG: alright uhh are you all on here
TG: yes or no
TG: fuck im like some sort of schoolgirl passing notes in class
TG: going to stacey like hey can you pass this to jimmy cuz hes looking hella fine
TG: yeah know cuz i know for a fact that she likes jimmy why wouldnt she hes a fucking stud but she is way to intimidated to talk to him
TG: oh fuck used the wrong two
TG: rose is gonna have my ass
TG: but we both know she cant surpass
TG: cause we know she doesnt have the strider style
TG: writing all of her psychology files
TG: just because we share some genes
TG: and because she writes some poems
TG: she just cant write rhymes this obscene
TG: and you know im gonna show em

ghostyTrickster [GT] responded to the memo

GT: dave please no.
GT: it's been so long.
GT: don't do this now!
TG: oh shit were going retro with the handles
GT: ????????
GT: how so?
TG: actually you know what nevermind
GT: o-kay?????

gutsyGumshoe [GG] responded to the memo

GG: Hello Dave. I’m not quite sure I know what you’re talking about.
TG: hey johns hot mom
TG: i mean uhhhhhhhh

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to the memo

TT: Oh my.
GT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to the memo

TG: lmfafoooooooooo
GT: n- no seriously dave, what the FUCK????
TG: well i mean your hot mom is pre-
TG: wait no fuck, i mean jane
GG: ...
TT: Dave you do realize this is more than a simple slip of the tongue, correct?
TT: You have to have made a conscious effort to type this out twice. Not that I’m complaining of course. I feel this will have a fine place next to your freudian slips in my journal.
TG: shit rose
TG: i mean only one journal
TG: i feel like youre underselling this
GT: i feel like we’re losing sight of the topic here that dave called jane MY HOT MOM.
GT: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????

timaeusTestified [TT] responded to the memo

TT: What’s this about Dave saying something else to be forever filed into one of Rose’s journals?
TG: oh my gog how do you even know about this
TT: I have eyes and ears everywhere.
TG: ive benn giving him ths deets ;)
TG: whyyyy
GT: is no one else freaking out about this????
GG: I also can’t quite comprehend...
GG: Whatever this is.
TG: i mean janey shre is fine ;) *wonk*
GG: Oh my goodness I understand that this is normally par for the course and all but I am a bit shaken by all this.
GT: oh my god jane are you blushing.
GT: what is even happening anymore?!?
GT: is this just the new norm???
GT: bros just hitting on their bros sisters with weird familial implications????
TT: Yes.
TG: *wonks 2 the maxxxxxxzzxxxxxxx*
TT: It appears so.
GT: oh my god what is wrong with you strilondes
TT: Dave’s strange flirtation with uncomfortably tying familial relations with romance has been an ever present part of his character for many years.
TT: It’s all chronicled in his 7th journal if you would like to read it.
TT: Keep in mind it is currently being revised in light of this conversation.
TG: rose i know for a fact that you are eating breakfast
TT: Who says I need to eat?
TG: rose i lived with you for years
TG: i have seen you eat
TT: Ah, I see you’ve met my doppelgänger who has always lived with us, but I have never revealed before now.
TT: I am sorry that you have come to the false conclusion that I require sustenance to survive.
TG: oh my fucking god you would use the stupid dots over the a like a pretentious asshole
TT: Like you have room to talk, dear brother.
TT: Remember that hipster phase you went through a few years back?
TG: this is lies and slander and i dont have to take it
TG: besides youre still fucking going through your goth phase after gog knows how long
TT: How bold of you to assume I have ever not been going through my goth phase.
GT: i'm kind of just noping out of this conversation because this is just so weird??
GT: i know i have known you both for years, but i still can’t handle this.
GT: i'm gonna go lie down for a bit.
TG: alright peace
TG: tell your hot mom i said hi
TG: *fuck*

ghostyTrickster [GT] has left the memo

TG: alright this has been a complete disaster
TG: im gonna close this now before anything else can happen

golgothasTerror [GT] responded to the memo

GT: Howdy chums, what’s this memo about?
TG: nope

turntechGodhead [TG] has closed the memo

Well that conversation got completely derailed by your accidental slip-up. You got absolutely no useful information out of that conversation besides the fact that no-one remembers sburb, which, being honest with yourself, was the pretty much worst possible scenario.

“Heeeeeeyyyyyyy Daaaaaaavvvvveeeeyyyyy, come down, you need to eat yah know?”

Oh, yeah, right that was a thing. Shit, do you even have any stockpiles of food in this room? You got so lost in assessing the situation that you forgot to prepare yourself. Shit, you’re getting rusty. Ugh, you’re really not looking forward to going down there. From what Rose told you about her mom, she was always the one for the passive-aggressive psychological warfare, but after interacting with Roxy, you give that about as much credit as Egbert’s taste in movies.

You recaptchalogue your turntops and decide to carefully head downstairs. As expected the house is full of statues of wizards. However, before you can fully admire and or question the massive fucking wizard statue in the middle of the goddamn house, your attention is grabbed by the heavenly smell of bacon wafting through the air. Hell. Fucking. Yes. You don’t really pay that much attention to your surroundings as you move over to grab yourself a delicious plate of the rare delicacy, when you are then spotted by Roxy.

She immediately pulls you into a large mom embrace, making you immediately freeze up. Oh gog, are you supposed to hug back? How do you do this? You stiffly pat her on the back. That seems right? You think? If it isn’t right then she doesn’t say anything about it as she starts talking.

“Davey I luv u n all but r u wearin a cape?”

Ahh. It seems that you are, in fact, wearing a cape. Hmmm. You did not consider the fact that you should probably come downstairs in, well, actual clothes instead of the magic hero pajamas. Rose looks up from her phone and seems to regard you for the first time. You’re not sure if you’re more unnerved by the fact she doesn’t say anything, or by the Look she gave you. You don’t know how, but you know she will bring this up at a later date and somehow do... something. Despite living with her for years, she’s still as stupidly enigmatic as ever, though you know in her heart she is a total hopeless lesbian. Wait, shit, this Rose never met Kanaya or any of the other trolls. Gee, the sad pile sure doesn’t stop from getting taller.

You take your plate of bacon and eggs, and of course thank mom because despite the fact that you have never cooked, and probably will never cook a meal in your life, you can tell this lady makes a mean eggs and bacon. You start to retreat to your room when Momlonde begins to chide you.

“Awwww cmooooon Davey, sit down, we never eat together anymore as a family.”

You and Rose both simultaneously roll your eyes at the sheer uncoolness of this situation. What are you, some kind of functional familial unit? Even if this is an alternate universe, you know that your families will never live without some kind of bullshit drama.

“Le sign. I know you and your bro think you're to cool for school but you need to do fam things.”

Wait just one gog damned minute. You, she can’t mean when you think she means right? Bro isn’t here right? He can’t be, right? You saw him die. (but then again you saw dirk die but you just finished talking to him didnt you) And then you look around and notice it. Passive aggressive battles between orange and purple ink on the fridge. (nah, you mean they could have just run out of different colored pens) An extra plate left out with a glass of orange soda. (what, no it’s just... uhhh, not that) Fucking, smuppets wearing tiny wizard hats. (no... it, you mean... fuck)

But the most damning piece of evidence is standing right behind you.

“Hey lil man. What in the everloving fuck are you wearing?”

Chapter Text

Oh hey, Bro is standing right behind you. Bro is standing right behind you. You are most certainly not caught off guard, and you most certainly do not have a deer in the headlights look like you’re some kid that got caught stealing the last cookie from the cookie jar. No siree.

“Uhh, you doing alright there lil dude?” he says, tilting his head a whatever the the fuck you measure really short distances is. Your aspect is time, not space.

“Y-yeah Bro I’m fine” you say in a completely steady and not shaky at all tone and don’t flinch as Bro puts his hand on your shoulder, completely not concerned because this is completely non-concerning behavior. Actually, what hand on your shoulder? Bro most certainly wouldn’t do that. Because A, there is absolutely no reason to because you are fine and absolutely not internally having a panic attack, and B, Bro most certainly wouldn’t show enough emotion to do such an emotional gesture.

In fact you’re not entirely sure he has emotions? You mean of course you know he has emotions, you’re not like 6 anymore, you know that, but, how do you explain this, uhhh, shit, wait, so-

“Dave, are you alright?” inquires Rose in a deeply concerned and kind of maternal tone that reminds you of Kanaya, completely interrupting your internal monologue about how completely fine and unstressed you are.

“Shit yeah rose I'm doing peachy, I am completely chill, I’m like a fucking cucumber in Antarctica that’s how utterly chill I am. Chilling out with the polar bears they’re like, ‘shit I dont know what a cucumber is because I’m a polar bear but goddamn if that whatever the fuck that is isnt the chillest motherfucker.’” you say completely stoically and not at all worried about people finding out how not fine you are doing.

> Dave: Abscond the fuck out of there

“Dave, you are almost certainly not ‘completely chill,’ judging by the-” you don’t hear the rest of her sentence due to you flashstepping up the stairs, which is fucking dangerous, your warnings about stairs are from personal experience, and enter your room. As you let out a breath you most certainly had not been holding, you hear a ping from pesterchum.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Also polar bears are not found in Antarctica, Dave.
TT: But seriously are you alright?
TG: look rose im not in the mood to deal with your therapist schick right now
TT: Alright Dave, I promise I won’t work my therapist wiles on you.
TT: Unless you change your mind, of course.
TG: ms lalonde are you trying to seduce me into telling you my innermost secrets
TT: No, but it is quite interesting that that is what you gathered from that.
TG: rose
TT: Okay, yes, I promised I would drop it.
TG: *long ass sigh*
TG: rose do you remember sburb
TT: I can’t say that I know what that means.
TG: wait ive gotta screenshot that

You are totally saving that for later

TT: Very funny David.
TG: please stop
TT: No.
TT: Anyways, am I allowed to ask you what this is about?
TG: nope
TT: Despite the fact that you were the one to bring it up in the first place?
TG: yep
TT: So I cannot, 1. “work my therapisty wiles” on you, 2. Ask you about your whole freakout earlier, or 3. Ask you about what sburb is, despite the fact that you are clearly desperate for me to know what it is.
TG: yep
TG: also why did you quote yourself
TT: Well, I thought it sounded more professional that way.
TG: rose you are a nerd
TT: So are you.
TT: David.
TG: rose i swear to the cosmos and the frog that we reside in if you say david one more time i will do an acrobatic fucking pirrouete so far off the handle that i will end up landing on jupiter
TT: I almost want to do that just to see your reaction.
TG: i fucking double dog dare you
TT: Oh woe is me, not the dreaded double dog dare?
TG: oh you know its the double dog dare
TG: you cannot back down from a double dog dare
TG: it is simply the most binding there is
TT: Oh no.
TG: oh yes
TG: actually there is a contract even more binding
TT: Pray tell?
TG: the do double g dare
TT: As in the famous rap artist, now turned reggae singer?
TG: im sorry what
TT: Oh, I assumed that you were referencing the famous Snoop Dogg, who after experiencing a so called spiritual awakening in Jamaica, changed his pseudonym to Snoop Lion and is now pursuing a more reggae focused style.
TG: oh shit
TT: You really must be off your game today, seeing as how you and the rest of the Strider name already had the mock funeral for the Snoop Dogg name.
TT: It was really quite a touching eulogy you gave, punctuated by the pouring out of a cold AJ for your homie. [sic]
TT: Only the sickest beats were played during the reception.
TT: Our dearest father even shed a single tear. It was quite uncomfortable honestly.
TT: I suppose overly dramatic funerals run in the family.

Holy actual shit, you can’t believe you missed that happening, both the whole reggae thing and the probably banging funeral. Shit, man this changes things, how are you going to deal with this on top of everything else? Snoop is no Dwayne Johnson, but he was your rock in the turbulent seas of paradox space. This is a lot to take in for just one day. You can’t deal with this so you just decide to curl back up onto your bed.

You hear a few pings from Pesterchum, but can’t bring yourself to read them. Today has been just too damn emotionally exhausting and you cannot fucking deal. Before you lie down and conk the fuck out, you hear a rapping (not the lyrical kind but a fancy word for knock) at your door.

“Hey lil man, we’re flying out to Washington in a couple hours to get to your homo crush’s b-day celebration. You better be ready by nine.”

“Yeah- Bro alright.” you say, calmly. Yeah, you can handle this. It’s almost like you’re back in your Houston apartment, but Bro actually has the courtesy to knock instead of lockpicking your door like the fucking ninja he is. Also, completely off topic, but, holy fuck, your fridge has food in it. Like, you know on the meteor you had a thermal hull or some shit that didn’t actually have much food, it was mainly just bugs in it, but still. It’s not like Bro was there.

Actually, come to think of it, this house is fairly... normal. You mean wizards aside, cuz those definitely fall under abnormal. The only mark Bro has left is a few wizardly smuppets here or there. There weren’t any swords or other miscellaneous sharp objects anywhere you could see, and he actually talked to you instead of breaking your lock, taking you to the roof, and leaving a note of whatever he was planning on saying to you on your chest after the Strife. This Bro seems almost, scarily normal in comparison. You mean, he actually talked to you. It’s kind of tripping you out, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

> Dave: Realize what the fuck was Bro actually saying.

Oh, oh shit. It’s Egbert’s birthday. That was kind of forgotten, what with the whole “battle for the universe” shit going on, but that never stopped being a thing that was happening or anything. Wait, what day even is it? You check your iShades, and actually, why the fuck did you bring out your turntops earlier? You are literally fucking *wearing a computer.* Anyways, you check the time on your iShades and it is completely scrambled from your time hopping shenanigans earlier on. Fair nuff.

Better just check the big computer instead. You open up the calendar and, today is, drum roll please... Saturday, April 13th, 20...13? You swear it was still 2012 when you opened the door. Did the door send you a year forwards in time? Are you 17 now? Or did everyone get born a year later? Wait how the fuck do the genetics of this work? None of you even naturally exist, how does that work, were you naturally born in this universe? Wait does that mean that your Bro and Rose’s mom, nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Nope. Hey look Rose is still pestering you.

TT: Dirk and Mr. Strider even drove out from Houston.
TT: You know, our mother can rarely get them together to celebrate Christmas.
TT: It seems, unsurprisingly, as though Snoop Dogg is the real tie between our families.
TT: Dave, are you still there?
TG: yeah rose chill bro just let me know that were going to washington in a few
TT: Yes, our father let me know through a note through my door, followed by a previous note I left him last week, corrected with a semicolon replacing a comma.
TT: Try as I might, I simply cannot return the favor as his grammar is flawless.
TG: hey can you stop that
TT: Stop what?
TG: the whole father thing
TG: its just... really fucking weird
TG: now look what youve done you made me use punctuation
TT: I’m sorry to have ruined your cultivated typing style, which is not so much a style as you being too lazy to capitalize your sentences.
TG: thats the point
TT: You’re misusing irony.
TG: its ironi
TG: dammit howd you know
TT: I have lived with you all of my life Dave, I know your idiosyncrasies by now.
TT: By the way, I cannot believe I haven’t mentioned this until now, but I really must question your fashion choices.
TT: I mean really Dave? A cape?
TG: look i dont know its comfy ok
TG: dont judge me i pull off the look
TG: its not like im wearing some stupid orange tunic
TT: Yes, I suppose you aren’t.
TT: Despite that not having anything to do with the question, that is undoubtedly a statement of fact.
TG: damn straight
TT: *Sigh*
TT: Dave, I want to know what’s going on.
TG: what do you mean theres nothing going on
TG: also did you just put something in asterisks
TT: Dave.
TG: rose
TT: Dave, you are my brother and I love you, but you are an abysmal liar.
TG: ill have you know i am an excellent liar
TG: i was most likely to be a good liar in the highschool yearbook
TG: are you really going to take a massive dump on the work of all those student council members
TG: or however those are decided
TG: i wasnt polled how can we know the truth
TT: Case in point.
TG: ouch
TT: I hope I have not caused you too much pain, what with the fire of my burn.
TG: rose please never say that again
TT: What, can you not handle the burnage of these sicknasty fires?
TG: okay no that actually worked
TT: So what you’re telling me is that I have the hella swag?
TG: aaand now were back to cringe
TG: i hope for both our sakes that was intentional
TT: Yes, you can rest easy at night knowing that I hate that I just said that as much as you do.
TG: so im screenshotting that as well
TT: Dave, if you do that I will say your full name.
TG: you wouldnt
TG: also its literally just dave
TT: No it is not.
TT: Despite what you have led others to believe, I have seen your birth certificate.
TG: wait its not
TG: huh
TG: do i have a middle name too
TT: Dave, your full name is David Elizabeth Strider-Lalonde.
TT: How do you not know this??
TG: elizabeth
TT: Yes Dave, your middle name is Elizabeth.
TG: damn
TG: always wondered what that e stood for
TT: Dave I am sorry but it is literally impossible for you not to have known this.
TT: Are you fucking with me?
TT: I feel like you’re fucking with me Dave.
TG: i legit didnt know until now
TT: Bu-
TT: But how is that possible?
TT: How could you not have known until now?
TG: i guess it just never came up
TT: How can that not have come up at some point?
TT: How could a child never learn their middle name?
TG: ...
TG: i dunno
TG: its not like i ever asked
TT: Why not?
TG: uhh
TG: i gotta go
TG: do a thing
TG: pack
TT: For what?
TG: egberts
TT: Dave we’re just visiting, not staying the night.
TG: sorry im too busy packing
TG: ttyl
TT: What are you even deflecting from?
TT: I feel like that was a rather innocuous question.
TT: Dave?

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

Chapter Text

Your name is Rose Lalonde and you are very concerned about your brother. After your pesterlog, and just his behavior today in general, he seems to have either gone through a major change in the past 6 hours since you last spoke to him or he’s doing something “ironic.” You have no idea what that would be to cause this kind of behavior but with Dave you can never rule it out.

Honestly neither of these possibilities seem very likely and you can’t think of anything that it could be. Frankly you weren’t paying all that much attention to him during breakfast until he started getting too still physically, juxtaposed by his voice which shook like a leaf. But then he launched into his sudden rant so you’re unsure as to what sort of signs you may have missed by your prompting too soon. You’ve since relocated yourself to your room, where you have a number of activities at your disposal.

Loathe to admit it there’s not really anything you can do about it right now besides pestering him or going to his room to meet him in person. You highly doubt that either of these would go over well, so you should probably do one of those aforementioned activities. What would you like to do?

> Rose: Work on Knitting

You doubt that you’ll be able to concentrate on your knitting at this moment, though it does sound relaxing. Besides, you’ve just recently finished knitting something special for a couple of your friends’ birthdays.

> Rose: Examine Knitting

Not right now! You don’t want to reveal your knittings just yet. There are eyes (and sometimes cameras) everywhere. Your projects are safely stored in two boxes of similar shades of blue. If you want to look at your gifts you’ll have to look at them in a more secure location, such as where you knitted them. (Which may or may not have been under your covers.)

> Rose: Get pestered by TG

Oh? Has Dave responded on his own accord? How unlike him. Ah, it seems you were mistaken, wrong TG.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: hey rosie!
TG: u ready 4 the big b-day?
TT: Yes, why do you ask?
TG: cuz the cooler strider-lalonde fam is on the way!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] the file onourway.jpeg

The photo shows Roxy sitting in the back of a car with an arm around Dirk, smiling and giving the camera a peace sign. Dirk is sitting beside her, focused on his phone, and was obviously roped into the shot without any prior notice.

TT: I send you my prayers and condolences.
TT: Our side of the family is planning on heading out as well in an hour or so.
TG: thx 4 the priares but i think you’ll need em more than i will.
TG: *praiers
TG: *prayres
TG: *fuck why is that so hard to spell
TT: Because the english language is a mess.
TG: tru
TG: wtf even is a dangling participle
TG: dont answer that btw
TG: i get enough english lessons from janey as is
TG: itll be so nice to see her again
TT: Yes, I am also looking forward to seeing everyone again.
TT: Now that I think about it, perhaps “looking forwards” isn’t the best turn of phrase.
TG: lol yeah
TG: last time was a total disastar
TG: john got trappend in his room because there was a fuckin bathtub in the hallway
TG: how does one move a bathtub????
TG: *trapped
TT: Honestly, I have no idea.
TT: How does one move a bust in front of their brother’s door?
TG: ok that was 1 time
TG: and he totally deserved it
TG: also the bust was filled with candy so it's cool
TT: ...
TT: By now I should have learned not to ask...
TT: But how did you acquire a bust filled with candy?
TG: oh u know the ususal way
TG: *usual
TT: Which is?
TG: smuggling
TT: What?
TG: yeah there’s this group that smuggles stuff into the country through busts 4 some reason
TG: so i just got one full of candy
TG: they do rlly good work i couldnt even tell how they got it in there
TT: I was right, I shouldn’t have asked.
TT: What were we talking about?
TG: the inevitable disaster of a party we’re driving 2
TT: Ah yes, the party.
TT: So, bets on who bails first?
TG: fuk yea
TG: dirk get in here

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] added timaeusTestified [TT] to the chat

TT: What’s up?
TG: we’re takin bets on whos gonna bail 1st
TG: im calling dave
TT: What are we betting with?
TG: the usual
TT: Smash Bros. Stocks?
TG: smash bros stocks
TT: I’ll put two on John.
TG: u think we’ll drive him out of his own party?
TT: It worked last year.
TG: yeah but he was trapped in a room with dirk for 3 houes
TG: *hours
TT: Truly a fate worse than death.
TG: and there werent even any sloopy makeouts
TG: *lol sloopy
TT: I don’t want to engage in sloopy makeouts with John Egbert.
TG: bruh have u even seen him?
TG: i would sloopily mack on him all day
TT: Relative hotness of John aside, Dirk who are you betting on?
TT: I’ll put three on myself.
TG: no bad dirk
TG: no betting against yourself
TG: it leads to the bad thoughts
TG: also the rules say you cant
TT: Fine then, I’ll put one on John too.
TT: Alright then, that’s settled.
TT: Does everyone have their gifts prepared?
TT: Oh shit, stop the car.
TG: wait did you forget them???
TT: Nah, I’m just fucking with y’all.
TT: I’ve got em right here.
TG: agh u dick
TG: but yea ive got mine 2
TT: Good.
TT: I wouldn’t want anyone to have forgotten.
TG: but yea its janeys sweet 16th
TT: Shouldn’t she be doing something special?
TG: she is
TG: ive been talking 2 her and from what i can tell shes really goin all out with the “sweet” part
TT: Poor John.
TG: lol yeah
TT: I still can’t believe how ungrateful he is.
TT: I’d be blessed to have Jane be willing to cook for me every day.
TG: u got ur gifts ready?
TT: They are both boxed and ready for transport.
TG: r we trying 4 best gift this year?
TT: Dude, there is no way we’re beating Dave from last year unless we take a detour to go and kidnap Bill Murray.
TG: u rite
TG: but could we tho
TT: It all depends on your supplies.
TT: A rope would probably be sufficient in detaining him and I know for a fact that your car has a large enough trunk to hold 1-2 people of about his weight and build.
TT: Oh, keeping him is no problem, the issue if finding him out and about or dealing with his security, if he has any.
TG: wait no better plan
TG: nic cage
TT: Hmm...
TT: Well it all depends on his level of crazy.
TT: I wouldn’t want to go up against Face/Off Cage but I could probably deal with Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
TG: yeah thats fair
TT: Agreed.
TT: Before I sign off can I ask you both to keep an eye on Dave for me?
TG: ?
TT: Why is that?
TT: He was acting odd earlier during breakfast.
TT: He froze up before rambling something about chillness and polar bears and absconding back to his room.
TG: i dunno that sounds p dave 2 me
TT: Well I’ll make sure to keep an eye out.
TG: me 2
TT: Thank you both. Now I’ve got to get going, my egress is being rapped upon.
TT: In the lyrical sense, not a fancy word for knock.
TT: It seems we’ve been talking for longer than I’d anticipated and I’m being told we’re leaving in rhyme.
TT: I shall see you both later.
TG: byeee
TT: See you.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

Chapter Text

You finally pull your head out of your pillow after your internal (and also slightly external) screamfest. Okay, fuck, Rose is getting suspicious, you’re going to drive all the way to Egbert's with all of your ‘family’ for god knows how long and you still haven’t changed out of your god-tier jammies. You are completely and utterly fucked.

Okay baby steps, one thing at a time, you can change clothes. You open up your closet to find... Just clothes. Nothing else. No AJ or anything. Huh. Also goddamn, this is like a full on fucking walk in closet, what the hell? Kind of weird that your first thought was the lack of AJ and not about the actual closet but whatever.

Anyways you look through your closet to see what clothes you have availab- actually wait can’t you just grab something from your sylladex? You’ve kind of got a verifiable treasure trove of outfits from your various meteor alchemy binges. Not that you actually wore any of them for more than 5 minutes. God Tier jammies are just too comfortable. But society frowns upon wearing the same thing for 3 years so guess you’ll pick something else out.

Okay let's see, what’ve you got here? You’ve got some suits but this is John’s birthday party not his fucking bar-mitzvah. (Do you wear suits to a bar-mitzvah? On that note what even is a bar-mitzvah?) You’ve got some modified God Tier robes but that’s kind of what you’re trying to avoid wearing. You guess you could spring for one of your old-fashioned record tees, but which one to choose? You kind of have so many variations of that one shirt it’s unreal.

After a few minutes of internal deliberation you decide to spring for your good ol’ Skaianet Hubshirt with a nice pair of black shorts and some slick red sneakers. Hell yeah, no one will ever catch you hanging out without at least one portable power source on you at all times. Yeah, your shirt has functional wifi/charging capabilities, what of it?

Christ, having portable wifi is cool. You mean, it was kind of everywhere in the medium so you kind of took it for granted, but just now realizing that it isn’t a universal thing anymore is kind of making you reflect on how good you had it. Well, with your hubshirt you guess it’s how good you still have it. But yeah, portable wifi? Ballin. Oh and also the shirt looks cool too. Got that sicknasty spirograph/record looking combo.

After spending a solid minute ruminating to yourself on the coolness of your chosen shirt, you realize that you don’t actually have a present for John. For his birthday. Which is still today. Oh shit. What the fuck do you give him? You assume that this timeline’s you had a gift already prepped up but you don’t have any idea where it would be. It’s not in the closet unless it’s on some sort of hidden shelf behind your clothes. It’s also not at your desk or anything, and you honestly don’t know where you would have put it. This really isn’t your room, you have no idea where anything is.

You know what? Fuck it. You’ve probably got something shoved up in the asscrack of your sylladex you can pull out. IPhone, nope. Karkat’s charging cable, don’t think he’d want that. Karkat probably would though. The amber mutant smuppet abomination? Hell no. Christ, you really need to clean this thing out. You think you made that last thing during your actual session. Hmmmmm, what would John want that you have? A suit? Nah, his dad’s already kind of weird about those from what you remember. Also he’s alive too. That’s cool.

That’s when you have an idea. On one of your old alchemy binges you ended up making some ghostbuster goggles after combining some shade-goggles you made... somehow with some old ghostbusters shit you had for some reason. You think. Man, you don’t know it was literally years ago, are you supposed to remember every obscure captchacombo you’ve ever made? Well, whatever. John’ll like it either way. Hell, for him it’s probably be the gift of the fucking century.

Well, with that sorted you guess you can just... chill.

...

...

...

Well what the fuck do you do now?

Not just at this moment, but in general. You haven’t really had the time to think about it with everything happening so suddenly but what the fuck are you supposed to do now? So much is different now, from what you’ve gathered, that you really don’t even know where to start. Like, you’re in an actual fucking society now, holy shit. You could go outside and there’ll just... be people. Walking around. Getting groceries. Doing whatever people do outside. Look man, you don’t know. Christ, this is getting kind of overwhelming to contemplate. Shit’ll actually update on the internet, it’s not static anymore. Except for Midnight Crew, the dude who wrote it probably just had a backlog set to update at certain times but it still updated which was kind of neat. You kind of wondered from time to time if he actually had his own sburb session running but was still cranking out updates like a total boss.

Christ, your train of thought is getting off track. But yeah, the rest of the world exists now. It’s not just you, your friends and a few trolls. Society is back. Fuuuuucccccckkkkkiiinngg Chriiissssstttt. How do you... even get STARTED contemplating this? And this isn’t even the only thing, like you’re pretty sure you haven’t even fully processed the deaths of everyone you know and love but oh look. They're back. And none of them remember the game. Which is probably for the best. But- no, no, nope nope nope. No, bad Dave. No existentialism. Just focus on the Here and Now.

You settle into the old thought processes that kept you from going insane by contemplating the full ramifications of sburb and your doomed selves. Hey, if you never let it fully sink in that society was gone this should be a lot easier to take back in right? Right???? Holy fucking shit you need a distraction but you’re NOT fucking leaving this room. That is the bad kind of distraction, the one that makes you want to curl up and- What was that? Weakness? Naw, you weren’t thinking about that. You were just contemplating how cool this room is.

Hmmm.

...

What a cool room. Yep. Just thinking about the room. Look at those turntables, those look neat. And some old polaroid ironic selfies, gee whoever’s room this is sure was one cool dude who definitely didn’t have any deep seated insecurities, no sirree. You know what the problem is? You’re hungry. Yep that’s it, you just got a hankering for some Doritos™, like a dude of your frigid caliber is known to do. Oh, and what is that? You spy the solution to your problems right there beside your computer. How completely and utterly convenient.

You unroll the half-eaten bag of Doritos™ and grab yourself a chip. Your tongue explodes with that Nacho Cheezy Flavor™. Damn, this is much better than the alchemized shit you were eating on the meteor. In fact a lot of things were worse on the meteor, the food was shit, you had no AJ which sucked, and Rose had her stupid alchoholism going... on... Wait, fuck that’s not... You don’t want to think about...

You know what, can we just... perspective shift to someone else? Please? You don’t want to deal with this right now, you, never mind. Look, just, let’s uhhh... see what John- o-or Rose is up to. Maybe see how Jade’s getting along. One of them must be up to some wacky antics. We can just follow them and they can... do things? You know, but you’re chill with whatever, you could stay here, that’s fine, ‘s not like anything interesting’s happening though. At the very least we can do a time skip, go directly to the party, see what’s going on there?

> Yeah alright.

Your name is Dirk Strider and god are you bored. You’re currently sitting in the back of your parents’ SUV, watching your big bro drive down the highway to the airport to Washington for your friends’ birthdays. The hot Houston air is currently being counteracted by the car’s AC, but you can still feel the sweltering heat from your rolled down window.

You’ve just been kind of chilling out on your phone for the past ten or twenty minutes, listening to music and generally just kind of vibing. You just got finished pestering Rose and Roxy, who’s sitting beside you playing Nyan Cat: Lost in Space on her phone. You guess you could, you don’t fucking know, look at some anime shit? Nah, you’re not really feeling it right now.

You sweep your eyes around the car, grabbing some snacks from the snack bag in the gap behind the front seats. You procure yourself a bag of sour gummy worms which are the shit. God these things are great. They're the kind with two different colors on each end, each with a different flavor. Or so they advertise. They honestly all taste the same to you. Still, you’re not complaining, it’s a good taste.

You tear open a bag and fish out a green and orange one. This one’s probably sour apple and... well, orange. You eat the entirety of the green side. The sour crystals on it leave a nice tingle on your tongue. You take a couple seconds to chew and swallow it before going for the orange half. You eat it as well and, yep. Tastes the same as the green one.

You take another one from the bag, red and blue. God, you hope the blue isn't blue raspberry. Blue raspberry is the worst artificial flavoring in anything ever. The fuck even is a blue rasberry? Even if that was the intended flavor it’s not like you’d even be able to taste it anyways though so why the hell are you even going on this mental rant? Oh yeah, you’re bored. You decide to just pop the whole worm into your mouth like a bird.

Maybe you can just pester someone? Maybe see what Jane’s up to, it is her birthday after all. You open up Pesterchum on your phone and check if anyone’s active on your chumroll. Looks like Rose is still on, as well as John and Roxy. You just finished pestering Rose and Roxy so why not see what John’s up to? You have to admit, you don’t really know him all that well but fuck it, why not?

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

TT: Happy birthday John.
GT: oh hey thanks man, i appreciate it!
GT: i’m really excited to see you guys again.
TT: Yeah, we’re all pretty excited too.
GT: man, i know we don’t talk that much but i think you are pretty cool!
TT: Thanks dude.
TT: I appreciate it.
GT: yeah, i bet you really can’t wait for later today either.
GT: when do you think you’ll all be here?
TT: We’re actually getting pretty close to the airport so we’ll probably be there in 2 or so hours.
GT: yeah alright man
GT: well you’re going to have a lot of cake here if you want any.
GT: i’ve counted like 20 cakes here
TT: Oh hell yeah man, I am so hyped for this shit you don’t even know.
TT: Those cakes are motherfucking heavenly.
GT: dude you say that now but have you spent your whole life just...
GT: surrounded by cake?
GT: well i mean i know you haven’t because obviously
GT: but just image
GT: wait no i meant imagine
GT: anyways imagine yourself in my shoes.
GT: i mean cake is just sucky if you have it every day.
GT: like not even a joke it is everyday bro.
TT: I mean, yeah, I can see how that would get old, but that doesn’t really stymie my passion for your pervasive pastry.
GT: eh, i guess that’s reasonable.
GT: you know actual cakes not made with that stupid crocker mix, you know like actually made from scratch like my dad does sometimes are okay.
GT: wait, don’t tell my dad i said that he’ll just give me a shit ton more cake.
GT: but yeah it’s not as garbage.
GT: i still don’t really like it but i don’t hate it.
GT: honestly he and jane just put WAY too much icing on it.
TT: Hold that thought.
GT: yeah?
TT: We’re here.
GT: ??
TT: At the airport.
GT: oh yeah i guess that was kind of obvious.
GT: my bad.