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Even though he tries and tries, sometimes the only thing that he can remember of his early childhood is the faint feeling of being hungry yet content. Perhaps his family had been a little short on food but could have been overflowing with enough love to satiate him. Maybe his parents indeed were poor; he never does manage to remember them and has no way of confirming that impression of truth he feels in that. Worse, he has no way to remember them at all: not their faces or their names, and it's sad in a way that's hard to bear. Sometimes Lan Yuan imagines that he remembers a thin hand giving him food, sometimes is sure that the hand is merely a figment of what he thinks he ought to remember based on the inkling of what little he does.
Reality and dreams do tend to blur if Lan Yuan dwells too much on it.
The first real memory that Lan Yuan can recall - one that may be a bit blurred by time but he knows it to be real - is clutching on to the hem of white robes and in his heart begging not to be left alone again. He doesn't know how long he'd been in Gusu, just knows that he hadn't had Lan Wangji very long at the time; it has to be sometime after the fever-filled week or two that that Yuan can't quite remember due to his illness but doesn't know much beyond that it also had to been before he'd turned five years of age. Wangji is the only one there that Yuan had in the memory and, no matter what age he'd been, he remembers the feeling of being safe whenever he'd been near. Recalls never wanting that safety to go away. (This is a feeling that, to this day, Yuan carries within his heart. Wangji brings safety. And Yuan is always, always warmed by his presence.)
He remembers Lan Wangji crouching down and using his large hands to carefully coax his small hands to release the white robes and gently pulling it away. The solemn look in his eyes as he stared at Yuan, considered his plea, and then scooped up a rabbit and placed it in Yuan's arms, large hands cupping his own until Yuan managed to support the sudden weight.
"Keep him company until I return." Lan Wangji orders. The fear that he'd be left all alone slightly easing at the words but not disappearing. Because Lan Wangji is leaving again. Even if he does mean to return.
And after he'd left, Lan Yuan remembers crying into the bunny's soft fur, mostly sure that he was being left behind. Eventually he cannot physically cry any longer and, even though the sun is still in the sky, falls asleep on the grass with the bunny in his arms and several other rabbits nearby.
Just like every other night, Lan Wangji indeed returns before the sun can even set with wet hair and an armful of laundered blankets for them to lay down with, as he always does because he always returns to Yuan at night even if he's gone the entire day; except this time it means so much more to Yuan though he can't remember what had been so different on this particular night. Lan Yuan discovers that he can cry more tears after all.
With scarcely a wince, Lan Wangji joins him in the grass as he always does even though Yuan knows it hurts him to do so. Lan Wangji tenderly wraps the blankets he has brought around them both, and lets Yuan throw his arms (and a startled rabbit) around him tightly and cry into Wangji's white robes even though every night Lan Wangji sleeps on his side or front because the back of his robes will turn red otherwise - and surely Yuan must be hurting him and he means to let go any moment now really and - and -
And Wangji lets Yuan wrap his arms around his injuries without any protest and comforts him until he is sure that Lan Wangji will always, always come back when he says he will.
That's the first real memory Lan Yuan can remember.
Lan Wangji can't always visit Lan Yuan.
"Why not?" Yuan asks one day. He wishes Lan Wangji could always come bring him carrots and then stay the entire day to teach him things like he is doing now. The days where Lan Wangji has to leave instead of staying after giving him carrots are always sad! Lan Wangji always comes back before nightfall - but still! It'd be nice if he could stay every day.
Lan Wangji doesn't answer. He often takes a while to speak, if he even speaks at all. Yuan is used to this.
"There are things I must do."
"More important than me?" Yuan worries and then proceeds to worry that it'd been embarrassing to even ask such a question.
Lan Wangji turns to fully look at him. "No."
"Oh." The answer sends reassurance through Yuan. "Then why?"
Lan Wangji again takes a moment to answer. Yuan focuses on petting a nearby rabbit as he waits for him.
"Yuan is most important," Lan Wangji says solemnly and Yuan's jaw drops in surprise and delight. "But..."
"But?" Yuan prompts, staring at his face and trying to understand.
"Must atone."
Yuan doesn't know that word. Judging from Jan Wangji's face however it must be bad. "Atone?"
"Punishment."
"Do I have to atone?" Yuan worries.
"Never." Lan Wangji's answer is the quickest it has ever been.
Yuan still doesn't know what this all means exactly.
Lan Wangji points to the paper as a silent reminder to him that he's in the middle of reading the third passage. Today's a day that Lan Wangji can stay and teach him, so Yuan decides not to ask too much or waste it and goes ahead to recite the third passage.
Lan Wangji doesn't ever really smile, but still Yuan knows he's proud of him. He can just tell. It fills him with warmth and pride.
And so the days where Lan Wangji can stay are well worth suffering the days he cannot.
Besides, Lan Wangji always returns to him at night with more consistency than even the moon.
(Besides, it's not the moon that makes him smile, nor is it the moon that keeps him safe.)
Yuan doesn't remember anything before the time of sleeping under the stars, wrapped in a blanket and nestled against blankets and Lan Wangji as they lay on the grass with the rabbits. He doesn't recall living anywhere else. Somehow he still knows this to be unusual.
"Time for bed," Lan Wangji tells him and begins the unfold the clean blankets he'd brought earlier.
"Why do we have to sleep outside?" Yuan asks, and Lan Wangji almost pauses in unfolding but continues the motion so gracefully that it seems like there simply wasn't any pause at all.
"Are you unhappy?" He questions instead of answering. Yuan isn't unhappy and tells him so. Wangji nods and then proceeds to wrap him snugly in a blanket before draping his own over himself. Yuan scoots himself into the crook of Wangji's arm, and Wangji obligingly wraps it around him to make him warmer and more comfortable. "Yuan is a secret," Lan Wangji answers at last.
"A secret?" Yuan thinks that it would sort of make sense then. "Like the rabbits?" Wangji has explained to him thoroughly about the rules in Gusu and the need to stay off the paved pathways and only to wander in the forest; the concept is one that Yuan easily understands. There's only certain areas that he's supposed to go and the rest is off limits without Lan Wangji there with him. Yuan understands! It's to protect him, Lan Wangji has explained, but maybe someday it won't always be this way. But Yuan understands that too! He also understands that the rabbits also have to stay in certain spots and not leave. They are a secret and it's Yuan's duty to protect them from being discovered by not leaving into off limits areas. If anyone saw Yuan, it would be bad because he's not supposed to be there, yes - but also it'd be bad because the rabbits too would be discovered!
"Mm. A secret I will keep safe." Lan Wangji vows.
And Yuan understands that too so he nods, hair ruffling against Lan Wangji's shoulder. He still has the feeling that people aren't supposed to sleep outside but... But it's nice. He likes having Lan Wangji and the rabbits. And, like he told Wangji, he isn't unhappy. In fact he's happy.
Daily, Lan Wangji wakes him up early every morning. "Yes," He assures Yuan, who tends to sleepily ask if he'll come back - though that could mean any time during the day or that Yuan would have to wait until near nightfall. When he stands to leave, Lan Wangji always takes his own blanket and places it around Yuan. (Afterwards, if he thinks Yuan's eyes are closed, he winces as he straightens back up again and then he'll place a bracing arm behind his back but not touching it. Yuan never can figure out if doing so makes Lan Wangji hurt less or if he's just using his wide sleeve to cover up the red that soaks through layers of white.)
Sometimes Wangji will scoop up a bunny and settle it against Yuan's side and sometime he doesn't. Sometimes Yuan doesn't know if he does or doesn't do that because that's when he falls back asleep before Wangji has even left yet, which always feels a little unfair and like he's wasted the precious time he does have with Lan Wangji.
"Bath." Lan Wangji decrees as they're sitting near the river and as he is refilling the teapot. Yuan pouts and wonders how Lan Wangji always seems to know when Yuan is skipping them when Lan Wangji isn't there during the day to scold him for it.
"It's too cold!" Yuan protests, not expecting it to deter Wangji and mostly to prolong the moment of having to actually enter the water, "I wish it wasn't so cold!" But unexpectedly Wangji stops. Lan Wangji looks to the river with a troubled expression and although his sleeves attempt to hide it Yuan can see his hands form fists at his sides. "Sorry," Wangji says and truly sounds it. A tad guiltily, Yuan decides to stop arguing against the bath. Even though he stops complaining of it, the river remains unwelcoming and cold.
Afterwards, Yuan emerges from the river with chattering teeth and dons his clean set of robes. Lan Wangji is waiting for him at the shore with a comb - and with the teapot filled and warmed by Lan Wangji's qi, tea having appeared almost magically from some secret pouch in Lan Wangji's sleeve that seemed to be able to hold anything from tea to carrots to actual food to books and scrolls.
"Here," Wangji quietly says, pours him a cup of tea, and offers it to him. Yuan takes it and smiles gratefully as the warmth already is seeping into his palms; he holds the cup under his chin and enjoys the steam billowing up in warming puffs that help chase away the chill. Gently Lan Wangji begins to comb through Yuan's hair. He is never too harsh while doing so, and Yuan always prefers Wangji combing it than when he does it himself because Lan Wangji doesn't rush or yank so it doesn't hurt at all! So Yuan leans trustingly into the comb directed by kind hands and blissfully drinks his hot tea.
"Where do you go when you're not here?" Lan Yuan asks him because he's thought about it a lot but today especially. Lan Wangji had arrived with damp hair, like he so often does, and it had just got him wondering what days without Yuan were like for Wangji. He took baths of course and atoned - oh and went to get Yuan's meals from somewhere - but what else did he do when he was gone and where? Lan Wangji doesn't answer, and Yuan feels foolish for asking. He takes another sip of his tea and sighs happily into the warmth it provides.
"Come." Lan Wangji says and then Yuan's eyes widen as he realizes it's an invitation.
"You said not to leave!" Because rules are important, Yuan reminds him even as the excitement builds inside of him. He wants to see where it is that Lan Wangji goes!
The line of Wangji's mouth softens into what Yuan well knows to be the man's version of a smile though it doesn't really look like a proper one. (Yuan doesn't remember whom he's seen smile but he knows he must have seen it before because he can tell Lan Wangji does it strangely. He thinks - hopes - maybe it's a memory of his parents, this impression of what a smile looks like. Wide and cheerful and with the feeling of reassurance to it.) "Mm."
He turns to look behind him and Wangji deftly removes the comb before it can catch in his hair. "Then why?" He asks.
Wangji looks at him with solemn eyes and Yuan obligingly looks forward once more, but then Wangji speaks and makes him think that, maybe, the stern look had not been directed to him at all. "Yuan is cold. Yuan has been cold."
Which is true. It has been a couple years of being cold during winter and baths in rivers. But that coldness never had seemed too strange or - or fixable. He always just cuddled up more in his blankets at night and snuggled closer to the rabbits and Lan Wangji. But now...
Again he turns around and smiles at Wangji, who again swiftly prevents the comb from yanking at the maneuver. "Okay."
There is a guilty set to Lan Wangji's shoulders that he hadn't noticed the first time and hadn't been able to see while facing away; but luckily it settles now at Yuan's answer. Lan Wangji nods and looks relieved. Yuan turns around and Wangji resumes brushing his hair. When the knots are gone and the tresses are all smoothed out, Wangji puts the final touches on. He ties the Lan forehead ribbon steadfastly around Yuan's head and then gathers some of the hair up and secures a headpiece around it. The headpiece, he has been told, is proper; it is also, Wangji has said with some softness, one of Wangji's own but it now will belong to Yuan. Yuan doesn't own many things, but he's glad to have an item in possession that connects him to Wangji even when they're separated. And now Yuan will get to learn where he goes!
Lan Yuan drinks his tea and is happy.
The first thing that he notices is the pathway, which is something Yuan is not supposed to use. But Wangji takes his hand and walks with him, so it's okay. It's a strange feeling to walk like he and the bunnies aren't a secret; but no matter how many times Yuan checks to look, there is never any other person that they encounter on the path. Still it's quite the relief when they arrive.
Yuan thinks the cottage is the most beautiful place he's ever seen.
He looks up to Lan Wangji and asks, "Really?" He tries to take in the details of it all at once. The tasseled ornaments hanging from the wood, the thriving flowers nearby, the white little pebbles where the path does not go instead of forest dirt.
"Mm." Wangji answers and so then they walk inside the cottage's door. Because it has a door because it is inside and not outside.
"Wow," Yuan sighs happily as he absorbs the sight of actual furniture. "All day? You're here all day?" Wangji shakes his head. "Oh. Why not?" If Yuan wasn't a secret, he'd certainly be here all day! And the colors of everything! It all looks like their Lan ribbon!
Lan Wangji takes a moment before answering. "I go to a cold springs for most of the day."
That stuns Yuan enough that he gapes at Wangji instead of the rooms. "A bath? All day?" Wangji's mouth remains a straight line but something in the tilt of his chin gives away his amusement, and Yuan huffs. Even though Wangji is telling the truth, it feels like being made fun of because who would want to take a bath all day?
He points to something that catches his eye. "That's not our teapot!" Yuan observes with a frown. Clearly already knowing this, Wangji doesn't need to look over to where he's pointing to agree. Wangji walks over to the upraised wooden tea table and elegantly kneels on the far side and face Yuan as he and his robes sink down to the floor. A bit indignantly, Yuan follows. He hesitates at the table - a real table! - but then Lan Wangji sets down a tea cup across from him so Lan Yuan sits there. Wangji nods at him and it makes him grin.
"This teapot," Lan Wangji explains gently, "Must remain here. Ours could not. Now that you are here, I can use our teapot if you prefer that one."
Yuan doesn't know which one he prefers but he does know that this is news to him. "Stay here? Can I really? But aren't I a secret?"
Lan Wangji nods, his face turning most solemn. "Yuan is cold," He says simply like he had earlier. "And..." He pauses to heat the teapot with his qi and instead of reaching into his sleeve, he turns to a wooden box to draw forth the tea. Yuan admires the box greatly as he watches. "Yuan will still be a secret. I will keep you safe. But it is not worth keeping you secret if you are not kept safe. You understand?"
Yes, he thinks he does. "You'd rather me not be cold than have me be a secret and cold," Yuan confirms confidently. Wangji fills his teacup with warm tea and doesn't answer. But the way that Yuan doesn't have to wrap cold fingers around it is, in a way, answer enough for the both of them.