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“You’re bleeding.”
There are so many things he should say to TK; wants to (needs to) say to TK, but when Carlos finally gets to his side in the aftermath; the first thing out of his mouth is an observation that is far from astute. For a moment the blood on TK’s shirt - far, far too close to the bandage covering a bullet wound that almost took TK from him before they had even had a chance to truly start - was all he could focus on. There was commotion everywhere, flashing lights and flames and sirens, but all Carlos could focus on is TK and the blood staining his shirt.
TK shrugged in that almost self-conscious way of his; the way he was when he did not want the spotlight, or when he was hiding something.
“It’s nothing, really,” he said with that shrug. Carlos arched a skeptical eyebrow but offered nothing more in challenge. It had been a long and traumatic afternoon - he could still feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins. Adding in the talk they had finished right before the world had gone to hell, now was probably not the best time to engage that particular desire. He had a feeling that once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop. He didn’t want to pour his heart out to TK just yet - not here, not now.
“If you say so,” he said instead.
TK frowned at him and for a moment Carlos thought he might have actually been disappointed that Carlos hadn’t pushed him. But then they were surrounded by his team and the frown was gone and Carlos was sure he had imagined it. There is fussing and Carlos knows Judd doesn’t mean it when he rants about how TK is a danger magnet that should never be allowed in public unsupervised, and the others exchange skeptical looks at TK’s insistence that he is fine , really. Carlos isn’t sure exactly how he fits here in this group which has clearly morphed into some kind of ragtag family unit. He’s not sure how to interact here; he’s not sure of his place. He mostly listens, studying the others as they interact. They all strive to be close to TK as if they need assurances he is still with them (a sentiment Carlos fully understands). There are small touches; little moments that are exploited for tactility. A chance to feel for themselves that he is still here; still breathing. Glances around show Carlos that he is not the only one fixated on the bloodstain. It is too soon and far too close for comfort. He’s not sure where he fits here, but he does know that they are all on the same page. They’re all allies on this front and between them, they manage to get TK onto the ambulance right beside the bus driver.
It’s not until the doors swing closed behind him and the ambulance pulls away that the remainder of the 126 starts to show their fear.
“I swear to Christ that kid is going to give me gray hair before I’m 40,” Judd laments.
“How do you think I feel?” Captain Strand asks drily, running a hand through his salt and pepper dusted hair. “This didn’t happen on its own you know.”
“Is he going to be okay?” Mateo asks softly, eyes still tracking the ambulance as it drives away from the scene.
Paul claps him on the shoulder, “Of course he is. He probably just pulled his stitches acting the hero. They’ll clean it up and restitch before sending him home.”
“It’s lucky for her he was here. I don’t think we would have been able to get to her in time,” Marjan says lowly. This brings the rest of the crew and their false bravados back to center and their expressions grow darker. Carlos is speaking up before he even knows what he is going to say: “He’s lucky you guys showed up too. If it weren’t for you…” he trailed off, but the words he left unsaid hung within the group. Their eyes are on him too, as if they are just really registering his presence. There is a raised eyebrow from Judd, a knowing look from Paul; but no one says anything. It hits him again that no one knew about them before the shooting. Even now they have no way of knowing what transpired between them here today.
Though to be fair, Carlos isn’t too sure he knows that either.
Captain Strand, bless him, clears his throat and pulls his team’s attention away from Carlos and back to the matter and the scene at hand.
“TK will be fine,” he says bracingly, with such surety Carlos almost thinks he believes it, “in the meantime, we have a scene to clear.” He then turns to Judd, “I hate to ask again, but would you mind taking over? I need to call the Deputy Chief, make sure...”
“I can head to the hospital,” Carlos says abruptly, the words out of his mouth before his mind has even processed them. “It’s my day off so I have the time and you guys have this to deal with.” He trails off, gesturing vaguely at the mess surrounding them.
The Captain looks torn. It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to leave his team and a job unfinished, but the way his gaze keeps drifting towards the direction the ambulance left from betrays just how much he would like to drop everything and run to TK’s side; to see with his own eyes that he is okay. Eventually, he nods.
“Thank you, Carlos, I appreciate that. I’d also really appreciate it if you could keep me updated if you wouldn’t mind?”
“Of course,” Carlos says quickly, understanding that it is not so much a request as it is a requirement. Captain Strand will not be able to stay here unless he is sure TK is okay, and it will be up to Carlos to make sure that he knows that.”I’ll let you know what’s going on as soon as I know.”
The captain nods gratefully, some of the tension leaking from his shoulders. He smiles as Carlos and claps a hand on his shoulder, “I appreciate this son, thank you.”
“Not a problem,” Carlos assures him, even as his own mind is calling him a fool for getting involved. TK had essentially just dumped him not even an hour ago, and here he was spending his afternoon off heading to the hospital to wait for him.
Not going really wasn’t an option though - he needed to know that TK was okay just as much as the captain did. If he was honest with himself, there was no version of this where he just went home.
With a half-hearted wave in the general direction of the rest of the team and their curious looks, Carlos turned and headed back towards his car. Getting out of the area was easier than Carlos had anticipated and he arrived at the hospital before he was ready to face it. He allowed himself a few moments to sit in his car; to take a few deep breaths. There hadn’t been any time to process anything. It had been one thing after another - each thing coming one after another, determined to topple him blow by blow. And it wasn’t over yet.
He allowed himself another deep breath and pulled himself out of his car. He needed to do this one last thing; have his heart shattered one last time before he could go home, call Michelle, and have a beer. He could do this.
He entered the hospital and approached the information desk, waiting patiently for the nurse to finish her call. When she glanced up at him, he smiled - pushing his doubts and hurt back under the guise of practiced politeness. “I was looking for a TK Strand? He was brought in by ambulance a little while ago.”
She returned his smile and turned her gaze to her computer. She typed and then looked back up, “We have a Tyler Kennedy Strand?”
Carlos nodded, “Yes, that’s him. Would you be able to tell me where I could find him?”
She glanced back at her screen, “He is currently in treatment, but it may take a while for him to be done. We’re pretty slammed here today and it appears his injuries were not priority ones”
“Of course, I understand.”
She looked up at him again, still smiling, “There’s a waiting room right outside the ER. Why don’t you take a seat there? It will likely be a while before you’ll be able to see him.”
“I will, thank you, ma’am.” He left her with a parting smile and headed towards the waiting room indicated. It was crowded, and Carlos figured he shouldn’t be surprised. He had almost forgotten that this hadn’t happened to him in a bubble - the entire city had been affected. He wasn’t the only one having a rough day. In fact, judging by the look of the people and injuries he saw cramming into the ER waiting room, he was having a better day than most.
He sighed as he sank into a chair with a view of the doors to the treatment bays and the nurse’s station. He allowed himself a moment to close his eyes. His nerves were fried. Between his conversation with TK, the shock of the accident, the fear of watching TK going into an overturned bus and then of watching him pulled out of a flaming bus - it had been a long day. He wanted nothing more to hide under his blankets and sleep for the next week, but he had a promise to keep. So instead he settled in and let his mind wander.
One thing he hadn’t counted on when he had agreed to come here in Captain Strand’s stead, was the time for his mind to wander. He kept playing that conversation with TK over and over again in his head. The worst part of it, he mused, was that he couldn’t even be mad at TK. He had asked a question, and TK had given him the only answer he had. He hadn’t lied to him, he hadn’t tried to lead him on. He had done the right thing.
It wasn’t his fault that it was also the thing that had crushed Carlos’s heart.
He had known that there was only ever a 50/50 chance this thing with TK would work. It was chaotic from the beginning and doomed from the start. But things had been looking up. He had been so sure they were finally on the upswing; that things between them would finally be okay. That this was something he could rely on.
Then TK had gotten shot and their short, sweet romance had been blown to hell.
He knew that he had made an idiot of himself then, he knew he had put too much of himself on the line. But he had been so scared , and the thought of losing TK; of losing what they had overwhelmed his sensible nature. His actions had pushed TK who was already in a vulnerable position; had forced him to confront his feelings in addition to the shock and pain and sheer novelty of being alive again. TK had been given too much to deal with all at once, and something had to give.
Carlos had just selfishly hoped it wouldn’t be them.
He let his mind wander as the waiting dragged on, studying the others in the waiting room. He tried to guess their stories, tried to piece together what had brought them here to this hospital today. Had any of them had their heart broken today too?
The waiting stretched on and beyond a few texts exchanged with Captain Strand, Carlos spent most of it utterly unoccupied. He was just about to check the clock on the wall simply for something to do when the sight of a familiar striped shirt and a bloodstain that haunted his mind stepped out of the treatment bays and towards the nurse’s station. He watched as TK said something to the nurse and was handed some forms to fill out.
Even though logically Carlos knew he had to be okay, he was pretty sure there was nothing could have made him feel better at this moment than seeing TK Strand up and filling out paperwork. He shifted anxiously in his seat and when TK handed the forms back to the nurse and turned towards the exit, he shot out of his seat and met him at the door.
He called his name and TK froze, turning to look at Carlos with a bewildered expression. “Carlos?” he asked, “what are you doing here?”
Here, Carlos paused. “Your dad wanted to come but he was still on shift and I didn’t have to work so I said I would because I figured you would need a ride home and...well I guess I’m here to pick you up.”
TK raised an eyebrow and Carlos cringed. Smooth Reyes , he chided himself, not weird at all.
“You really drove out here and spent the past hour in the waiting room on your day off just to give me a ride home after I dumped you?” TK asked skeptically.
Carlos cringed. Well, you put it like that…
But TK was shaking his head, “You’re too good to be true Carlos Reyes,” he said softly, “There was never any chance I deserved you.”
Carlos looked up abruptly, expression furrowed, “What are you talking about?”
“I never deserved you,” TK repeated, “you’re too good to be stuck with someone like me.”
“TK, no…”
“It’s true Carlos, you don’t have to lie to me.”
Carlos just stared at him. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening but he did know that it was nothing he had planned on. “Hey,” he said, “why don’t we get out of here and talk.”
TK glanced around the crowded waiting room - including a few bored individuals who had taken an interest in their conversation - and nodded. Carlos gave him a small smile and gestured towards the door. Once they were outside he led TK to his car and climbed in. Once they were settled and the doors were shut he turned to face TK, speaking before TK could get a word in. “First of all, that’s ridiculous. And even if it were true I think I get some say in the matter and I want to be with you. Whatever it is you think I deserve or you don’t deserve doesn’t change that. Secondly, how are you feeling?”
TK blinked, mind whirring as he considered all the implication of Carlos’s words. “I’m fine,” he said eventually, “they redid my stitches and I’m under strict instructions to not enter any more flaming buses.”
Carlos nodded, “That’s good advice, you should follow it.”
TK grinned at him, and Carlos returned it. Too soon the smile slipped off his face and he sighed, “I think we need to talk Carlos.”
Carlos swallowed and turned in his seat so he was facing TK and nodded.
“First of all,” TK started, “I’m sorry. What I said earlier...I panicked. I wasn’t sure what I wanted and I panicked. It’s been a weird few days for me and I…”
He trailed off and Carlos raised an eyebrow and offered, “panicked?”
TK nodded.
Carlos sighed again, “It’s okay TK, you’ve been through a lot. I shouldn’t have tried to push you. It’s okay if you don’t know what you want right now--”
“But I do,” TK interrupted. When Carlos gave him a skeptical look he continued, “I do know, now. I want to be a firefighter, here in Austin. I want to be with you Carlos; I want to give this a try - if you’re willing.”
Carlos stared at him, mouth agape. This was what he had wanted, but he hadn’t allowed himself to even hope that it could actually happen. He was mulling it over in his mind, replaying the moment to make sure it was real when he realized abruptly that TK was still awaiting an answer.
“Yes. I mean, yeah - I’m willing. Ready, even.” He followed it up with a grin, that TK returned even if it was strained.
“Before you make any hasty decisions, I think I need to tell you some things. You deserve to know the whole story of what you’re getting into before you jump in.”
Carlos nodded and TK started. He told him about his past, how he had been an addict who struggled to get clean. How he had found Alex, and how that had fallen apart. How he had relapsed; how he had ODed. How he had ended up here; not ready for a new relationship, still licking old wounds when they had met. Carlos let him speak uninterrupted, mentally putting the pieces into place in his own story. It explained so many things and made his heart ache for the other man. He had been through so much, but he was still trying; still clawing his way up to the surface, fighting all the way. Carlos was proud of him.
He said as much when TK finished his tale, and TK scoffed, “proud at me for being an addict?”
Carlos shook his head, “Proud of you for fighting, for beating this. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy, but you’ve been putting in the work. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough.”
“You would have,” TK said softly but Carlos shook his head, “Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t change the fact that what you have done is nothing short of amazing TK, and I am impressed by you. You said you don’t think you deserve me, but I think it might be the other way around. What have I ever done to deserve someone so strong and resilient?”
TK looked like he wanted to say something, but the words seemed to die in his throat. He looked overwhelmed. Carlos reached out a hand and placed it on his knee, “How about we stop focusing on who does or doesn’t deserve who and just focus on how lucky we are to have found each other,” he suggested gently.
TK nodded, looking up at him with a smile and watery eyes, “Unbelievably lucky,” he said so quietly that Carlos almost didn’t hear him. Carlos smiled back at him and they sat there in a warm and welcoming silence for a long time. Eventually, TK placed a hand on top of Carlos’s and squeezed it lightly.
“We should go somewhere and talk some more,” he began, “but there’s another conversation I need to have. Would you mind driving me to the 126?”
Carlos nodded, “As long as you change your shirt. I don’t think I can stand to see your blood for much longer. It reminds me of how close we came to not having this.”
TK glanced down at the ruined shirt and the ominous bloodstain. “I think this is it for this shirt,” he agreed mournfully, “it’s a shame though, I really liked it.”
Carlos shrugged as he turned the car on, “I did too, but I think I’ll get over it. I like you more.”