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Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
Wide glasslands, giant trees, and pounding horses flitted beneath his eyes as the faint ticking of the clock reverberates in his head. It was nearing nighttime and everyone was feeling the unease - the dread that comes with every expedition, moreso now, after knowing even just a bit of what exactly they are fighting… will be fighting.
Faster, stronger, more intelligent titans.
“Oi.”
After years of working, studying, and trying hard to know more about their enemies, they are finally one step closer to the truth. After piles and piles of bodies, countless burning rituals, and innumerable death notices, the sacrifices of every soldier will finally pay off.
Just a little more....
“Oi.”
Just a little more...
“Erwin!”
Erwin blinked, broken from his stupor by a gruff voice, concern hidden on its seams. He righted himself, turning his gaze to the man beside him - the man who’s been beside him ever since he woke from an apparently week-long coma.
It was a bit windy today; the cold breeze of the fall afternoon slipping past through the thin confines of the window, bringing the curtains to an elaborate dance right behind his bedside companion.
As usual, Levi, never to disregard cleanliness, was well-composed, pristine despite the heavy workload dumped onto him due to Erwin’s injury. Clutched in his hand was a tea-filled cup, bathing their surroundings with a delicious flowery aroma he has come to associate with the man.
“I’m sorry, what were you talking about?”
“Nevermind that. I was just reporting for the day. Are you okay?”
Grey eyes bore into him, assessing.
“Yes. Just thinking about something.”
Levi scoffs, muttering something like “Aren’t you always,” under his breath.
Erwin disregarded it, choosing to focus on the man in front of him. Despite Levi’s well-kept exterior, a few cracks visible only to those who know him well enough are starting to surface. The slight slump to his shoulder, the few creases to his usually perfectly pressed shirt, the palpably heavier lids causing his already disinterested expression to appear even more bored. It makes Erwin’s eyebrows furrow with guilt, knowing he was the cause of the Captain’s disgruntlement.
Levi stands up and turns away from him, the black jacket far too large for his frame briefly slipping before the small man righted it. “It’s almost time to change your bandages.” he says before going out, leaving Erwin to his thoughts and the faint scent left by the tired Captain.
Now that Erwin thinks about it, free from the high brought by painkillers, this will probably be the first time he’ll be sober enough to actually remember changing his bandages – the first time he’ll be sober enough to actually see what has become of his arm, or what’s left of it, at least.
Before he could truly dwell on this line of thought, however, he was once again pulled from his musings by the sound of the opening door. Levi enters, bandages, cotton balls, and a bottle of antiseptic in hand, his eyes, tired yet resolute, studying him.
Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
He honestly doesn’t know what to do with the Captain’s newfound focus on him. He was used to Levi’s gazes, being subjected to it enough ever since their first meeting. That piercing cold glare enough to instill fear on lesser men. A look enough to send an army running.
But this was different. Instead of judgement and appraisal, his eyes bear a certain softness in its edges, something which can be interpreted as concern, even pity, to the now-helpless Commander.
Levi approaches him and sets his things on the bedside table, silently preparing it. Erwin looked at him questioningly when the brunette started to unwrap the bandages.
“Isn’t this a nurse’s job?”
“You almost died, Erwin,” Levi shoots him an almost-scornful look. “There’s no way I’m letting them put their filthy little hands on you.”
As the mangled skin was revealed bit by bit, he lifted the stump that was left of his arm and inspected it. Looking at the still-healing wounds, he could almost feel the teeth of the titan piercing into his arm, the momentary loss of balance as he felt the sudden disappearance of something on his right side.
Looking at it now makes him wonder and second-guess himself. The loss of his arm is a painful reminder of his harsh decisions, a sign of his gambling nature. Was it all worth it? Is he still fit to be commander? Are his orders truly worthy of his comrades' sacrifices? Will the survey corps still be willing to follow someone as weak and broken as him?
“Erwin.”
At that, he raises his head, startled by the sound of Levi’s voice. The Captain was looking at him, steel grey eyes patient, convincing.
Erwin smiles. Seeing those eyes at close made him realize that what he saw back then was not pity, not regret, but something akin to concern, its warmth emanating from under that sharp gaze. It was something he has – they have been – ignoring for years, understanding that this isn’t the right time. That there will never be a right time.
...
During the next weeks of Erwin’s recovery, Levi has been a constant presence in the Commander’s side.
It is widely known in the military that wherever Erwin is, Levi is never far away.
His loyal dog, some might say. They are a package deal - watching each other’s backs, making each other stronger; he can’t even begin to imagine how he got lucky enough to have met this amazing man. He can’t even fathom how he got worthy enough of Levi’s loyalty, of his trust, of his devotion. How can someone as cruel and selfish as him deserve this man?
Erwin remembered the moment he first saw Levi fly. He’s the personification of a bird, graceful and free, amongst the confining atmosphere of the underground, a brilliant embodiment of the wings of freedom. He knew, right then and there, that the Survey Corps is where Levi belonged, where he could shine his brightest and spread his wings the widest.
Seeing Levi fly like that reignited something in him – a passion lost in the hopelessness of their situation. Seeing Levi fly like that…
“Up.” Levi commands him, tilting his head slightly to the right as he attempts to shave the bedraggled commander.
This has been their routine following Erwin’s recovery. Levi will help him with even the most menial tasks while Erwin attempts to acclimatise to the loss of his dominant arm.
The sharp scratch of the blade tickles him as Levi does one last stroke, finishing his morning ritual. His face heats as he feels the Captain’s warm hands hold his cheeks, inspecting his face for missed spots. Satisfied with his work, Levi released his face, much to his disappointment, but not before giving a passing caress of his thumb to the raw skin of his freshly-shaven face - a fleeting thing he thinks he imagined.
“You don’t have to do this, you know. I’m sure I can get by by myself.”
Levi’s back was turned, hiding his face as he rinses the blade.
“Don’t be stupid, you just lost an arm. You know you need me.”
Yes, I do. Erwin thinks. I always do.
“Now c’mon. You still have to meet with Hange, right? Let’s go put your shirt on.”
Levi turns, stepping onto the threshold to exit the bathroom but not before Erwin stops him with a hand on his wrist, anchoring the man in his place.
“What?” Levi asks, his face unreadable.
The blond looks at him, eyes soft, the hand still holding the Captain’s wrist slowly moving downward, now clutching his hand. Holding Levi like this makes him realize how unfamiliar his left hand is to the feel of the Captain’s warmth. While they don’t share the kind of intimacy rumoured among the Corps, they still touch often enough for him to memorize the feel of Levi's body. A friendly pat on the back, a brief arm grab, and on a few occasions, an arm around the other while one is drunk or, on less fortunate moments, battling for his life.
He looks at Levi now, hoping to convey his emotions with the next words that will pass through his lips.
“Thank you, Levi.” he says, with much more meaning than gratitude over helping him with his daily tasks.
As his Commander, he wonders, every time he sees Levi, if he actually enabled Levi to shine his brightest, if he actually freed him from the cage of the underground or if he just put him in a bigger, wider, and less noticeable one under his command.
Levi scoffs and rolls his eyes, as if the blond just said something absurd. “Don’t mention it.”
Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
“You can’t exactly move like you did anymore.” Levi’s words still echo in his head long after their conversation ended.
He knows that. He knows that but he can’t just stop now. Not when he’s come so far. As much as it hurts him to see Levi like that, to know that he is the reason for Levi’s downcast appearance… he can’t.
“The trainees are causing trouble again. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to splurge them on that much meat. I was sure some were seconds away from barfing.”
They are in Erwin’s room. Levi brought him dinner because he refused to join the gathering in the canteen fearing that he’ll ruin the mood. The soldiers deserve happiness in what’s most likely their last dinner. Having him there will only cause them to be wary of his presence.
A smile crosses Erwin’s lips. “Let them have their fill. We’re going to have a long day tomorrow. Besides, I’m sure you’ve disciplined the troublemakers well enough; Eren and Jean, I presume.”
“Yeah, something like that.”
There’s a tension stretching between them, as if all the things unsaid between the two men are bubbling, forcing their way out. Unable to contain it any longer, Erwin lets out the tamest one in an attempt to prevent everything from bursting out of its shell.
“I’m sorry, Levi.” He says Levi’s name like a prayer, soft and solemn, like how a devotee would utter their praises, the only rightful way to speak of the word.
Levi looks at him, eyes bearing the same intensity it did a few hours ago. Astounded by the way the candlelight plays on his face, Erwin gapes at the brunette, attempting to memorize every crevice of the Captain’s face. He is fully aware that this might be his last dinner too. What better way to spend it in the company of his favourite person?
You can’t exactly move like you did anymore.
Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
“Don’t, Erwin. Just don’t.” Levi says, almost pleading. “I’ve already said I trust your judgement, haven't I?”
And that’s exactly it, isn’t it? Levi is so loyal, faithful without a fault, dedicated ‘til the very end, and he just wishes that he can give as much as he is given. Words that he has contained for so long are now dancing at the tip of his tongue, wanting to get out, demanding to be said. In fact, he almost does, his mouth already parting when he looks at Levi.
He is standing, facing the ground, attempting to hide his face from Erwin. He has been doing that lately, the blond notes. He looks at him, at his small yet strong build, hard yet gentle features, gruff yet soft expression, and resigns himself.
Saying it will make it all harder, make it more real. Make it harder to give orders. Make it harder for Levi to leave him, if it ever comes to that. He couldn’t, in good conscience, do that to him; not after all the pain he caused simply by introducing this kind, kind man to his cruel way of life, not when this world has been nothing but cruel to him.
“In that case,” Erwin starts as he approaches the small man, gently placing his remaining hand on his shoulder and attempting to pour all the unsaid words and emotions into the thing both of them know best – falling into the roles of Captain and Commander.
Erwin gives the orders and Levi executes it. Theirs is a bond born out of mutual trust and respect, support and understanding, so no matter how cryptic and obscure his words are, Erwin is confident that Levi will understand – he always does.
In a quiet breath he says, ”will you fly for me one last time?”