Work Text:
"Who is this fucker," Fan Xian said, "and why is he so funny?"
"He's one of the agents with the Third Prince, Your Excellency Mass Hallucination."
Yan Ruohai managed to imbue that title with the sense of honour it deserved, but none of which was meant for Fan Xian.
He was chairman of the investigative Bureau, but the space he occupied was that of the Mass Hallucination, and they were all only giving it the dignity and honour the title deserved, not Fan Xian himself.
That was alright, Fan Xian didn't mind.
"You know," Fan Xian said, propping his chin up in fascination, "You literally don't change your expression when you say that."
The fourth division head Yan Ruohai just looked at him.
"This message here," Fan Xian said, "it's coded as vitally important, which means twenty pigeons had copies, and there're three more by physical messenger."
He picked up the message on his desk.
It dripped.
"So why is my copy here wet? Did the pigeon fall into a bucket? Or did the messenger get caught in a rainstorm in the middle of the driest week we've had so far?"
Yan Ruohai said, without a single twitch to his expression, "The bottle cracked, Your Excellency Mass Hallucination."
Fan Xian dangled the message a little more. "So this incredibly intelligent, incredibly hilarious, Frozen Avalanche --"
"Three rocks of winter."
"-- put an extra message in a bottle, and sent it by the sea, where it got run over by a steamship's rudder, whereupon it washed up in, oh I don't know, Danzhou, I'm guessing, hence it's cracked and soaked."
"What's a steamship, Your ex-"
"And you've been reading my messages," Fan Xian said, "because let me tell you, this guy's code-name isn't that hard to crack, and unless he's one of those frosty fuckers from the Jianghu who love their very obvious names, I was making a pun, and he's not exactly the most subtle in just WHO this message was meant for. Like a fucking avalanche."
They both stared at each other.
"I still don't understand what a steamship is, Your Excellency Mass Hallucination."
"The only person who's supposed to be steaming my mail open and spying on my correspondence is Yan Bingyun, but I've a good mind to recall Wintery Rockslide and have him be Yan Bingyun's replacement. Dealing with the little Imperial brat probably has set him up real good for dealing with the Capital in general."
Which, considering the constipated face Yan Bingyun kept giving Fan Xian every morning he came into work, would be extremely welcome news to Yan the Younger Wooden Face.
And Three Rocks here sounded like a very funny guy.
Fan Xian liked funny guys.
"There has to be agents watching his Highness the third prince, Your Exce--"
"AND," Fan Xian said before Yan Ruohai could finish, "you better confess as to whether you peed on this message, because I'm handing it to Niang."
Yan Ruohai twitched. Once.
Of course he would; whenever Fan Xian pulled out his trump card, they all got twitchy.
Yan Ruohai reached into his sleeve and pulled out a nice clean roll of paper and placed it on Fan Xian's in-tray.
It didn't even have pigeon feathers on it.
Fan Xian flicked the soggy message at Yan Ruohai's face, and smirked when the man caught it.
"Thanks," Fan Xian said. "Dismissed."
Yan Ruohai bowed, and turned to leave. Just before he could reach the door, Fan Xian said, "Tell the messenger Wu Li I appreciate her effort in delivering the message, and she can have a week off."
Yan Ruohai's shoulders didn't even twitch. "The standard downtime after delivery is two days," Yan Ruohai said, and didn't add the Fourth Division is mine to run, goddammit.
"Yeah, but her sister's kid just turned two didn't she?" Fan Xian said. "She should get to spend time with her family after all."
Yan Ruohai didn't answer, just shoved open the door to leave.
Heh.
Fan Xian unrolled the message to check - yup, it was the same, and indeed signed off by the very cold pile o' rocks.
Niang would get a kick out of this, Fan Xian thought.
It was clearly one of his favourites, but not one of those from Danzhou.
One day, Fan Xian figured he'd have to go dig out those orphans of the exact same age who were obviously meant to be agents in Fan Xian's place if he proved incapable. He did hope that at least one of them would be interesting enough like this Three Rocks.
END