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Alex knew the moment it didn’t work. He felt the final note reverberate in the floor, matching with the screams of the audience. The entire world was so wonderful and loud, and he finally understood why Luke was constantly chasing the high of performing. He’d always loved it, but right then felt completely invincible.
Julie rocked back on her heels, tossing her head back in a laugh that lit up her face. Her pure elation was nearly tangible, and Alex saw Luke cast her a look of complete and total adoration. He almost chuckled at his friend who had it so bad, and then he felt it.
A jolt of pain that cracked from the pit of his stomach to his ribcage. A pain that stole the air from his lungs, turning his vision white, as he desperately tried to reconcile his mind.
It didn’t work.
It didn’t work.
It didn’t work.
The flicker was agony. It felt like he was being split in two, pulled apart by a knife yanked from the inside out. At that moment, he made the only conscious decision he was capable of. He felt the tipping, tingling sense of teleportation, and then he was lying on his back on the floor of Julie’s studio, their studio, knees drawn to his chest, and crying out in agony. He heard similar sharp cries only a moment later, Luke and Reggie clearly having the same idea as he did.
It was almost too painful to breathe, much less speak, but he forced the words out passed his lips anyways,
“What happened?”
“I-” Luke started, then doubled over in pain as another flicker struck their cores.
“GAH,” Reggie cried out raggedly, dropping to his knees on the floor.
It was all Alex could do to remain standing. There was a long moment of silence as the pain ebbed away, and the three boys took in their situation.
“It didn’t work,” Luke said, breaking the silence at last, even as his voice was tight, almost to the point of breaking.
Alex hung his head, trying to force back the tears pricking at the corners.
“It didn’t work,” Reggie repeated softly, his voice pitching slightly, “Wait!” He exclaimed, eyes bright with fear, “What about Julie? What do we tell her?”
“We don’t,” Luke’s voice was icily cold, splintering at the edges like ice cracking on a windowpane.
“We,” He inhaled a rattling breath, “We...we should just let her think we actually crossed over. She’s already been hurt enough. I-” He froze for a second, face scrunched up to fight back tears, then, “We shouldn’t do anything else, I can’t,” A tear fell silently down his cheek.
All three boys wordlessly bowed their heads, a silent goodbye to the girl who had become not only their bandmate, but a friend, and someone they all loved very much.
Thank you, Julie, Alex thought, no longer willing to fight back tears, Thank you for everything. I love you, and I’m gonna miss you so much.
He cast a quick glance over at Luke who still had his eyes closed, body shaking with silent sobs. Alex’s heart broke for his friend, his bandmate, and his brother. Luke had clearly fallen in love with Julie. When they sang to each other on stage their chemistry was undeniable, everyone could see it. But in the quieter moments, the moments that only the band was privy to, Alex had seen the way Luke looked at her when no one was watching, when they weren’t expected to put on a show. The way his eyes softened and smile deepened- his openness, his hope, his love. It was something precious, once-in-a-lifetime, and pure. And now he wouldn’t ever see her again, wouldn’t even get the chance to give her a proper goodbye.
Willie.
Another flicker cracked through him, this time knocking him to the floor, he couldn’t tell if it was the flicker or the tidal wave of emotion that flooded through him as he thought of the brilliant, charming, reckless skater boy he’d only just got to know. The one whom he was pretty sure he was falling in love with.
I never got to say goodbye. Not for real. I never got to tell him what I felt, never got to say anything, I never- His thoughts careened into each other, anxiety twisting knots in his stomach. Everything was wrong, so very wrong.
Alex closed his eyes as another jolt racked his body, both unable and unwilling to move.
“Guys,” Reggie’s voice sounded far away like he was speaking from the far end of a tunnel, “If this is the end, I just want you to know,” His voice faded out, and for one terrifying moment, Alex thought he may have faded completely, a tight vine of panic constricting his throat and making it even harder to breathe. But he couldn’t seem to open his eyes, no matter how hard he tried.
But then Reggie’s voice sounded again, and Alex felt even the smallest bit of tension relax from his shoulders, “I just wanted to say,” his voice was wobbly, and Alex wanted nothing more than to reach out and wrap his arms around his best friend.
But he couldn’t, so instead, he let Reggie talk, “I just- I just want you to know that you both have changed my life. And without you, I don’t know where I would be. Having us all together again, but this time with Ju-” He broke off, inhaling deeply, “with Julie, have been the happiest days of my life. And I want you to know that...that I really love you all,”
Alex could practically hear his heart breaking, “I love you too, Reggie,”
From somewhere to his left he heard Luke’s voice, raw with emotion, “I love you too, man. I always will. You guys are my family,”
“Yeah,” Reggie whispered, “Always.”
Alex felt hot tears slide down his face like droplets of molten glass, the ache in his heart not from the jolts, but from the knowledge that they, that he, were leaving everything behind. Once again he thought of Willie, and once again he wished he could’ve seen him one more time, hugged him longer, heard that beautiful voice call,
“Hotdog?”
Alex’s head snapped up, forcing his eyes open.
Willie stood in the doorway, skateboard under his arm and grey helmet askew on his head. He looked slack-jawed, deep umber eyes widening in fear and worry. Alex heard the skateboard clatter to the ground as Willie ran to him, crossing the distance between the doorway and the piano in seconds.
And then he was behind him, pulling Alex into a sitting position, one hand wrapped around his torso and the other cupping his cheek, stroking it with worried fervor.
“No, no, no,” he pleaded, seemingly to nothing at all, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes and threatening to spill over.
“Don’t cry,” Alex said softly, using most of his remaining strength to bring his hand to rest on Wille’s arm, numbly plucking at the bracelets on his wrist.
Willie stroked his hair, rocking a little and he held Alex. He felt ready to shatter, like if he tried to say anything he’d break into a million pieces.
“It didn’t work, it wasn’t your unfinished business, didn’t work,” Willie repeated, his voice thick with emotion, and Alex hoped that he wouldn’t remember just how good it felt to have Willie holding him, and just how terribly it hurt to know that it was the last time he’d ever get to enjoy the feeling.
“No,” Willie said desperately, grabbing Alex’s chin and forcing him to look into Willie’s eyes, “No. The doesn’t have to happen, you don’t have to...you don’t have to flicker out, you don’t have to leave me!”
“Willie,” Alex said, as gently as he could, but the other boy would not listen.
“No. No. NO. This is my fault, I got you into this mess. I’ll get you out,”
“Wilie,”
“I’ll go to Caleb, I’ll offer him whatever he wants, he can have my life, I don’t care, I have to save you! I have to. I hav-”
“Willie!” Alex interjected, grabbing the boy’s wrist as hard as he could, “Stop, please. I need you to stop,”
Willie shut his mouth and hung his head, long waves of chestnut hair tickling Alex’s forehead. He felt water drip onto his face, and, with a start, he realized that Willie was crying, his whole body shaking even as he held Alex tighter to his chest.
“I’m so sorry, Alex. I am so, so sorry,”
“S’okay, Willie, You know I-” he got cut off by another jolt, this one stronger than before, so strong that it was all he could do not to scream before fading into a dim world of semi-consciousness.
When he fought his way back to full consciousness, he could tell that the gears in Willie’s head were turning at a furious pace, trying to figure out any possible way to prevent the inevitable. It was a sweet thought, and one Alex wished they’d had the time to explore, but they didn’t. Time had simply run out.
“Willie,” Alex said again, voice miserably hoarse, Willie flinched, but looked at him, one hand still tangled in his hair.
“Wille, it’s okay. I’m okay,”
“No,” Willie sniffled, “No you’re not. You’re fading, Alex!” He inhaled deeply, “It’s all my fault. I never should’ve taken you to Caleb, I knew deep down he might do this,”
Alex painfully reached a hand up to brush the tears from Willie’s face, “You know you couldn’t have stopped us from eventually finding Caleb if you tried,”
“I just- I just didn’t want to disappoint you, Alex,” Willie said, somewhere between angry and heartbroken, “I just wanted you to like me,”
Alex laughed, looking up at Willie with bright eyes, “Was I not obvious enough?”
A mixture of concern and hope lit his face, but he fought to keep it in check, “I mean, I’d hoped, and sometimes I thought maybe, but I-”
Alex forced himself to disentangle himself from Willie’s arms and turn around so he was looking right into his eyes, “I’m not always good at words, or emotions, but when I was lying here, and I thought I’d never see you again, I-” He inhaled sharply as Willie’s gaze flickered to his lips, “I couldn’t live with the regret of not telling you that-”
And then Willie leaned in.
When their lips connected, the world stopped. For that moment it was just the two of them, not a skater and a band kid, not two ghosts struggling to find their way, just Alex and Willie. Two boys. And two boys who were falling deeply in love with each other.
The kiss was sweet, and a little somber, and when Willie pulled away, face wet with tears, Alex realized that they were both crying.
“I wish,” Willie started, and then closed his eyes for a moment, trying to compose himself, “I wish we’d met before. Before Caleb, before all of this. I wish-”
He broke off, but Alex finished the thought for him, “-that we could’ve been something before. I know, me too,”
Willie nodded, face crumpling, “I want you to take Caleb’s deal so badly. Maybe even more for me than for you, and I’m so sorry,”
“Hey,” Alex’s voice was low, “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to,” He studied Willie’s face, every line and divot, drinking in the memory in hopes he could keep it forever.
“But I can’t live a life under that kind of control, not forever. And I’m-I’m scared,” His voice cracked, and Willie’s eyes pinched in pain. He threw his arm around Alex, pulling him to his chest, and holding him tightly.
Another jolt wracked through Alex’s body and he collapsed against Willie, tears soaking his shirt even as he forced the words from between exhausted lips,
“We don’t know what’s on the other side, maybe it won’t be good, but...but it will be our choice, whatever it is,” He inhaled deeply, “The guys-” he looked up suddenly, realizing that the guys were still in the studio, and they could overhear everything.
He looked around suddenly and smiled. Both Luke and Reggie had understood that his conversation with Willie was private, and they had moved away, an attempt (probably in vain) to be out of earshot. Nevertheless, Alex appreciated it.
Turning back to Willie he considered something, “Why-why were you at the studio in the first place? You knew Julie wouldn’t be back until after the concert so...”
Willie flushed, looking something akin to, embarrassed?
“I was...I was looking for something that reminded me of you. I know you guys rehearse in here, and I thought you would have crossed over so-” He looked down, clearly embarrassed at the admission, but Alex’s heart expanded in his chest.
“ Oh . That’s...oh,” he stuttered miserably, unable to form the right words. He wanted to say something profound, something for the storybooks, a line that would be remembered for years to come. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t thin, he could barely breathe, as one thought tore through his mind with reckless abandon.
I don’t want to fade, I don’t want to leave him, I can’t.
Alex thought the worst pain would be in not getting to say goodbye, but he imagined now that it would’ve been a small mercy compared to the overwhelming wave of emotions he was feeling now.
Suddenly, another jolt hit Alex with the force of a sledgehammer to his gut. Dimly, he heard Luke and Reggie cry out, and Willie’s worried shouts, but it was all he could do to blink back the black spots.
“Alex are you…” Willie trailed off, most likely realizing that there was no way to finish that sentence without receiving a lie or a truth neither of them wanted to hear. Instead, he drooped his shoulders, and slipped his hand into Alex’s, giving it a small squeeze.
“Please, just...what can I do to make this better? Please ,” his voice broke with the jagged, daggered strikes of emotion, “Anything,”
Alex gave him a tired smile and simply said, “Just hold me, please,”
Willie gave a wet chuckle, “I can do that,”
As Willie held him, Alex closed his eyes and imagined that they were somewhere, anywhere else. On the beach, or at the museum, or halfway around the world. He felt some of the ache in his heart ease just a little.
“Tell me what we-” Alex got cut off by a gasp, as another jolt racked his body. It was less forceful this time, but Willie’s flinch tripled the impact. He tried again,
“Tell me what we would’ve done if we met before,”
Willie inhaled sharply, then slowly let the breath out,
“I’d take you to Pride,”
Alex smiled softly, imagining the alternate universe where everything could’ve been different, “What would we do?”
“Well, we’d paint rainbows on our face, and wear pride flags as capes,”
“Hmm, sounds gay,” Alex quipped weakly, and Willie let out a snort of laughter,
“No, really?”
“What next?” Alex prompted, he could feel his lifeforce draining away quicker now, and if he was going to fade completely, he wanted his last memory to be something wonderful.
“We’d run through the crowd of lifers, and maybe say hi to a few of my ghost buddies. We’d jump up on the floats, and wave to the crowd, and no one would be able to stop us,”
“Rulebreaker,” Alex scoffed lovingly, weakly poking Willie’s chest.
“Maybe,” Willie laughed, “Anyways, we’d have to get tacos at WILDBIRD , and I’d love to see how you could handle the spice,”
“I’d be a spice champ!” Alex protested, his lips splitting into a toothy grin.
“ Sure, ” Willie laughed, “Keep telling yourself that,”
“Hey!” Alex exclaimed, but Willie just smiled and continued on,
“We could go to the park and I’d teach you to skateboard. And maybe-” he hesitated for a second, cheeks flushing slightly.
“And maybe what?” Alex asked, though a part of him already knew what Willie was going to say.
“And maybe I’d kiss you under the arch of rainbow balloons,”
Alex felt all the air leave his lungs. Despite the fact that the two boys had kissed only minutes before, it still felt strange to hear desire spoken aloud like that. It filled him with a warm, bubbly, champagne feeling that ebbed away at the pain in his core.
“That sounds nice,” he whispered, snuggling himself farther into Willie’s embrace, soaking in every minute where this wonderful, contrary, beautiful boy made him feel truly alive.
Being with Willie was like being on stage turned to 100. It was hitting the high note on the hardest song. It was fireworks on the Fourth of July that you can feel in your heart. It was the first moment after you reached the peak of a roller coaster when gravity pulls you down and your stomach drops out. It was a tidal wave. It was a forest fire. It was everything.
And he didn’t know how he’d ever be able to let him go. He was sure, no matter what happened when he faded, if anything did- he would always remember Willie. He was an imprint on his soul, a piece of him as sure and steady as the beat of his heart, and the music in his ears.
Alex took in a deep breath and started, “Willie, before I...before I go, I just want you to know...I just wanted to say that I-”
Suddenly, the crunch of tires on gravel and the slam of a car door sounded from outside the studio. Luke’s head shot up, as Julie’s musical voice floated through the air.
“She’s home,” Alex breathed, his throat constricting at the thought of the girl, and the probability of her finding everyone this way.
Willie took in a deep breath and looked at Alex square in the eyes. His eyes were red and rough from crying, but just as deep and mesmerizing as the first time Alex had seen him, “I guess this is goodbye, then,”
“No, please, no,” Alex’s heart felt heavy, too heavy, in his chest. He couldn’t bare to say goodbye. Willie’s eyes shone brightly with tears, and he leaned down to kiss Alex on his forehead. Alex let his eyes flutter closed, drinking in the soft press of Wille’s lips on his skin.
“I love you, hotdog,” Willie whispered, but when Alex opened his eyes, the boy was gone.
“I love you too,” he said, to no one at all. But somehow, deep down, he knew Willie had heard it.
Until we meet again, he thought, heart breaking and mending all at once, with the knowledge that no matter how short his life had been, he’d found his purpose.
He’d found music. He’d found the band. He’d found Willie.
He’d found love.
And that was enough.