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She's sixteen when her life impossibly flips upside down and three (cute) ghost boys from the 90's crash land into her mom's studio and nothing is ever the same.
She's sixteen when she falls in love with the kindest heart and bright, green eyes and a perfect smile.
She's eighteen when it happens and she supposes they should be grateful that they managed to hold on for two years, but she can't because it hurts. It hurts and she doesn't think it'll ever stop.
It's the same, but it's also so different than how it was when she lost her mother far too young. In some ways, she thinks this might hurt more.
She's never loved anyone like she loves him She's certain that she's never going to love someone the way that she love him.
Alex and Willie had gone first, hands clasped and ready to face the great unknown together. Never to be out done, they were followed shortly by Reggie a few weeks later.
Julie thinks that he's probably been ready for awhile now. Somewhere deep down, she knows that this true and she tries so hard not to take it personally. And it's not, she reminds herself. She's watched him mourn the loss of his friends; she's grieved with him. She knows how much he misses them, his brothers. She knows how hard it's been for him to only have her now, when she has so many others. Just like she knows in her heart that it's been her he's been hanging on for this long.
They've been living on borrowed time since the moment they met, they both know this. Even if they've never talked about it, they've expected this. Tried their best to prepare.
It doesn't make it easier.
Her heart is breaking, but she smiles up at him anyway because that's their thing, isn't it? Protecting one another.
Her eyes are watery and a little bloodshot as she holds back her tears. He looks at her like he knows she's breaking, but he doesn't say anything and Julie is so grateful for this because he always seems to know exactly what she needs. And oh God, she's never going to find this again.
Luke tells her that he loves her through his own tears and he promises that he'll be waiting for her on the other side and he tells her to be happy, Jules.
He's already fading when she tells him that she loves him too. She stands on her tiptoes to press her mouth to against his.
She slams her eyes shut, so she won't see when it happens. She feels it instead and when she opens her eyes, that's it. He's just gone. That's the moment she breaks, collapsing in a heap of limbs and sobs on the floor. Her father holds her like he's trying to keep the pieces of her together.
She spends the next two weeks in her bed, and the next year and a half in a fog.
She doesn't give up this music this time. It's too important and she knows that now if she loses it too, she really won't ever recover. But it's fair to say that she's different now, that her sound is different now. She can't write the same, upbeat, eternally positive music she wrote when she was sixteen, can't find the melodies she used to because he isn't here to show her. Flynn tells her that the new sound is mature and seasoned and like so relatable. Julie thinks it's such an odd way to describe sad, but she keeps that to herself.
She's twenty and a junior in college when she spots a flyer for a local band on campus looking to find their new lead singer on the bulletin board down the hall from her dorm.
Auditions are being held in two weeks, and she spends most the days leading up to it eyeing the flyer like it might set on fire every time she comes and goes from her room.
When she does take it off the board on the eighth day of her one-sided staring contest, she does so gently. She takes great care to remove the push pin holding it up and even replaces it on the board when she's done. She holds the flyer like it's something sacred, clutching it to her chest as she makes the twenty foot trek from the board to her door.
Her hands are shaking and her heart is beating wildly by the time she gets her door open, brushes past her roommate, and makes it into the safety of her room. For a moment, she feels excited. Alive again, an echo of a memory plays in her mind. Her excitement only lasts for a moment.
When the guilt sets in, it's all consuming.
She crumbles the flyer and tosses it in the wastebasket by her desk before resigning herself to the safety of her bed.
She talks to him. It's one of the recommendations that she actually remembers being useful from her time with Dr. Turner, so she talks to him, softly so not to disturb her studying roommate. And when she falls asleep, she talks to him there too.
The dreams have been happening since he left. They talk and laugh and kiss and she doesn't even care if it's real or just her desperate mind's attempt at coping. Most of the time just seeing him helps, but tonight he just looks sad.
They're back in her mom's studio at her dad's house on his favorite couch. He's got one arm around her shoulder and she's reaching up to hold onto his hand, playing with his long, calloused fingers. She's got her head on his shoulder. Around them, the boys' instruments are dragged down from the loft. They take up half the room, and it feels like home.
Honestly, she thinks it'd be perfect if Luke would just stop sighing.
There's disappointment rolling off him in waves. She doesn't have to be an expert in Luke's nonverbal communication, which she is of course, to know that. She's pretty sure she knows the reason why and she just really does not want to have this conversation, but he's sighed for the third time in a row and she knows he isn't letting it go.
"You're making a face like this," she pulls back from his shoulder to flash him an overly exaggerated impression of his deepening frown. She hopes that the call back to their past paired with a good natured, gentle poke to his side will lighten the mood. It doesn't. "Isn't heaven supposed to be all smiles and rainbows?"
He tries to pull his arm from around her shoulder, but she holds tighter. He’s sighing again as he relents. "I just want so much more for you," he tells her, his eyes trained on his feet. "You deserve so much more."
He's right, of course. They both deserve more than the stolen moments she lives in her dreams, but she knows the cards that they've been dealt and she's used to taking what she can get. She'll fight to keep it.
"I want you," she counters. She holds tighter to his fingers and secures herself further into his side. Gently, Julie shushes him when he opens his mouth to argue with her. "Luke, I deserve you."
He doesn't argue and she's grateful, but they don't talk anymore after that.
When she wakes up, the flyer that she'd crumbled up and tossed is half-ironed out and waiting for her on her desk. She relents and goes to the audition. She gets the gig.
She keeps dreaming of him.
This time they're at the top of her favorite hiking trail overlooking the beach in Malibu. He's leaned back, propped up against a tree, looking as casually beautiful as ever. She's got her head in his lap and his hand in her curls.
In this dream, she's the one sighing.
"I wish we could always be like this," she confesses. She's already told him about band practice and her father's new girlfriend and all about Flynn's latest gossip call.
He looks down on her with a soft, boyish smile. It actually reaches his eyes and her heart flutters because she really misses that. "We will be," he promises in his softest tone. The way he's looking at her sends shivers down her spine. "Someday. After you've lived a long, happy life."
She sighs again feigning impatience and he laughs. They both know she has so much left to do, things she still wants to do.
"I can never tell if any of this is real or if my brain is just really, really desperate to see you." Her whispered confession hangs between them. She's always been scared to admit it out loud, too afraid that her subconscious would seize the opportunity to confirm all these stolen moments weren't actually the universe's penance for being so terribly cruel and unfair.
He laughs, but doesn't respond so she continues. "I can't imagine this is what heaven is like. Getting randomly pulled out of the clouds to listen to your-" she pauses, unsure of how to refer to herself now. "Well, to me ramble on and on about band practice and lifer gossip."
Luke shakes his head, and she watches in awe as his brown floppy hair falls in front of his eyes. He's smiling at her again like she's said something really funny and even though she doesn't get the joke, she finds herself smiling back. "That's where you're wrong." He tells her and her stomach clenches in anticipation. "I think that's exactly what heaven should be."
It's not the confirmation she's looking for, but she'll take it.
She's twenty-one when she meets someone else.
It's her last semester in college and she really doesn't even have the time for things like dating, but he sits next to her in her elective women's studies class and it's really impossible not to fall for him.
His name is Jake. He has dark, curly hair and dark, brown eyes and he's warm. He doesn't share the same deep passion for music as she does, but he's supportive. He never misses a show. He can't carry a tune to save his life, but he always sings in the car with her. He likes science and math and engineering, and she doesn't understand a single word of what he says when he talks about it, but she listens anyway like it's the most fascinating thing she's ever heard. He makes the best morning waffles, and he makes her laugh in way that she hasn't in so long.
She hasn’t dreamt of him in awhile, but when she does all it takes is one look for her to know that he knows the reason why. The worst part is that he isn't even mad at her for not waiting. She cries and cries and he holds her. He strokes her hair and tells her that it's alright, Jules. This is how it's supposed to be.
Her life moves forward.
She graduates college and her band blows up. She rides it's success straight into a pretty solid solo career. She writes, she records, she tours.
Jake asks her to marry him and she says yes.
When her daughter is born, she names her Alexandra Rose. She offers Luke and Reggie a silent apology for not finding a way to incorporate their names. They call her Lexie and Julie can't believe she made something so perfect.
They move into a neighborhood near Flynn and her wife, and their kids grow up together as best friends. She tells Lexie ghost stories that always end in laughter or music, and they never, ever eat hotdogs.
He still visits her in her dreams, but it's rarer now. She has a feeling that if it's even real, he's staying away on purpose. He's letting her live and she tries to be appreciative, but she misses him when he's away.
She gets divorced 6 years into her marriage. It’s no one’s fault, but it hurts the way grief does. Luke visits her more frequently after and being near him shouldn't, but God help her, it helps. He talks more now, more animated like he was in her youth. He asks her about Carlos and Flynn and even Lexie. He tells her about finding his parents on the other side and about how absolutely stoked Alex had been when he'd told him what she'd named her kid. He tells her about how Alex holds it over Reggie's head and she laughs because she can only imagine.
He also tells her, softly, that he's been searching for her mom and dad. He holds her hand when her eyes tear up and he promises, "I won't give up."
She's sixty-two when it happens.
He's there with her. Flynn, Lexie, and Carlos are there too. And though she feels Lexie's fingers in her hair and hears her soft cries of "it's okay, mama. You can go," her eyes are fixed on him as she breathes in and out shallowly.
The longer she lays there, the clearer his voice seems. He's telling her that he's there and that it's going to be okay, that they're all going to fine, especially Lexie. He tells her that he loves her and that he'll be there with her the whole time and he warns her when it's almost time.
She wishes she could respond and tell him how comforting he is or that she still loves him too, but it's so hard to breathe and she just can't. She hopes he understands.
She doesn't know what she is when she gets to where she's going. Doesn't think it even matters, but she knows she feels younger. Her hands have lost their wrinkle and her hip no longer aches when she walks.
She loses sight of him, but doesn't panic. He's always known when to give her space.
The first people she finds are Alex and Reggie. They hug her a little too tight, but she's so much more than okay with it because they're here and she can feel them and she's missed them so much.
Alex introduces her to Willie and she's so pleased to finally meet the boy that brought her friend so much happiness. Reggie tells her how insulted he is that she didn't have a second child just to name him ("or her, equal rights!”) Reginald. Alex thanks her for the years of ammunition she's provided him, but only after sweetly telling her what an honor it is to be her little girl's namesake.
She doesn't know how much time has passed before Alex points her in a direction and sends her wandering once more. "We'll catch up with you later," he promises, while Reggie adds that they "have all the time in the world now."
She doesn't wander for long before she finds her family.
She cries when she sees her mama's beautiful smiling face and feels her dad's arms wrapped tightly around them both. Her heart warms when she catches her tia looking on after them.
They tell her how proud they are of her, how much they missed her. She tells them about her life and her daughter and Carlos' family. They laugh and cry and hug more times than she can count.
Part of her wants to stay forever with just them, but Julie knows that she can't really be at peace until she finds what's missing. She suspects her mom knows this too because she smiles her knowing smile and tells Julie, go mija.
She wanders and wanders, but she doesn't feel lost at all.
Though she doesn't fully understand how the wandering works. As she moves through the space with no direction, she passes through rooms and buildings and parks, but she never sees any doors. Some of the places she recognizes; others, she doesn't.
When she enters a space that looks like her mom's studio, she knows it's right.
He's sitting on his favorite couch with his orange beaning pulled down too low on his head. He's got his pick in his mouth and his songwriting notebook in his hands and all she can think is beautiful.
She knows she's said this out loud when he looks up at her suddenly and quirks one of his eyebrows at her before standing.
And it's overwhelming and it's like they don't know what to do because they're just standing on opposite sides of the room and they're staring. Julie doesn't understand how time works here because it feels like they've been staring for forever, but then it doesn't matter because then they do remember what to do.
She's moving forward as he's stepping over the coffee table separating them. Her hands wind around his neck and he's got his wrapped around her back. She buries her face into the crook of his neck and her hands in his hair.
This is the only thing that matters, she thinks. She's crying for what feels like the hundredth time since she arrived in this strange place.
When he pulls back and gently coaxes her to look at him, she doesn't hesitate to press her lips to his. It's gentle and a little chaste, but it makes her feel full and whole. She parts her lips as he winds his hands into her hair.
She pulls back and she's surprised because they aren't standing in her mom's studio at all. They're on the hill in Malibu and he's sitting with his back against the tree again and she's sitting with him, tucked into his side. He laughs at her confusion as if to say you get used to it.
She eventually gives up trying to understand and settles back against him. He laughs again and she scrunches up her eyebrows. "What?"
Luke pulls her close and smiles wider at her confusion. She feels him slide his hand into hers. "Didn’t I tell you this is what heaven should be?”