Chapter Text
“Ben!”
Kylo freezes momentarily upon hearing Han Solo’s voice shout out a name that belonged to a person long dead. A person whose death had begun the night he’d realized that Snoke had been right all along. That no matter how much he had tried to fight the darkness growing inside of him, he had always been destined to be a monster. That no matter how much he had loved his family, they had never loved him back. They had always feared the monster inside him, talking in hushed tones behind closed doors where they thought he couldn’t hear, but he had. That was why his parents had sent him to Luke. After all, he had managed to see the light in Darth Vader himself. If anyone could see the light in him, it was Luke. So, when he had awoken to see his Uncle standing above him, about to murder him, he’d known that there was no hope left for him.
Kylo braces himself and faces his father. He looks older than Kylo remembers him, but that’s to be expected considering that it’s been nearly two decades since he saw him last.
“Han Solo. I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”
It was the truth. Every day that he had spent at Luke’s temple, he’d looked forward to the day that he would see his parents again. However, the Jedi Code was clear about attachments, and his parents had gone along with the cease in contact.
He notices that Han is walking closer to him and briefly wonders if his apparent lack of fear is from bravery, or if he had deluded himself into believing that Kylo wouldn’t hurt him.
“Take off that mask. You don’t need it.”
What does he hope to accomplish here? Does he think to simply demand that I turn myself in to the Resistance?
“What do you think you’ll see if I do?”
“The face of my son.”
So that was it. He knew. Even after everything he’d done to try to destroy the light within himself, even his father, who had no connection to the Force, knew it was still there. He made sure to school his features before lifting the mask from his head.
“Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish, like his father, so I destroyed him.”
“That’s what Snoke wants you to believe, but it’s not true. My son is alive.”
No, no, no. He can’t let his feelings show. If he lets his emotions get the best of him, then he can never hope to accomplish what has to happen next. To extinguish the light inside him that has been ripping him in half he has to move past the love that he still has for his father and do the unspeakable. Only then will he end the battle inside of himself that has been tormenting him for as long as he can remember.
Han stops walking and Kylo says the words that Snoke would expect him to say.
“No. The Supreme Leader is wise.”
“Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants he’ll crush you.”
Kylo backs away a little as his father comes to stand directly in front of him. He can feel the truth of his words.
“You know it’s true.”
Kylo is taken aback by the care and concern on Han’s face now that he is this close. He doesn’t see any of the anger or disgust that he had been expecting, hoping for. It would certainly make things easier for him if Han hated him. However, it doesn’t matter. Even if his father still cares about him, he is past the point of redemption.
“It’s too late.”
“No, it’s not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.”
He had never felt more conflicted than he was at that moment. Could it be true? Did his parents truly still want him after all the darkness that he had wrought on the galaxy? Snoke had convinced him that it was impossible, but looking at his father’s face he only saw love and honest concern. He wanted more than anything in the galaxy to deserve what his father was offering him, but he knew it could never happen. He was a monster. He didn’t want to be, he’d fought against it for years, but he had eventually surrendered. Nevertheless, the light still pulled at him relentlessly, causing him endless torment. That was why this had to happen. The only way to end the pain and submit himself fully to the dark side was to kill someone he loved, but he wasn’t sure he possessed the strength.
“I’m being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?”
“Yes, anything.”
Looking into his father’s eyes, he can see his sincerity. He is reminded of the last time he saw his father’s face. It wasn’t the day he’d been left to train with Luke. It was the day he had journeyed to Dagobah with Snoke and entered the Cave of Evil. He had failed the test to kill both of his parents that day. He could not be so weak today. He drops his helmet on the bridge, the sound of it reverberating throughout the hollow expanse making the pit in his stomach feel ten times heavier. Taking it off of his belt, he takes a moment to examine his saber. He is again transported back through his memories to when he had created this saber, but he quickly shakes off the memory, not wanting to think about the painful events leading up to his turn.
Kylo holds the saber out to his father, because he would most definitely need the help that had been offered. As Han grabs it, Ben feels a cold sweat break out throughout his body as his nausea grows. He takes a few steadying breaths to prepare himself mentally as the room grows darker with the draining of the sun. Fighting back the tears threatening to well in his eyes as he looks at his father, he breathes in, turns the lightsaber, and… lets out a shuddering breath. Tears now overwhelming him, he leaves the saber in Han’s hands and lets out the sob as he drops to his knees, his inner turmoil finally becoming too much.
Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Ben rests his head on his father’s stomach. Han’s hand moves to sit on Ben’s head.
“What is it, son?”
“Dad…”
He is cut off when he feels Snoke’s familiar signature come into his awareness.
“I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t,” he says when he realizes Snoke has recognized his failure.
He knows that Snoke’s retaliation will be swift, and if there is any hope for his father’s survival, he will have to get him away from First Order territory as soon as possible.
“Can’t what, Ben?”, Han asks as he crouches down to Ben’s eye level. Looking into his father’s concerned face, Ben is debating with himself what to say when he notices a shift in the Force around them. Reaching out with his senses, he feels the blaster bolt headed straight for his father. Reacting on pure panic, Ben shoves Han backward on the walkway as a searing pain erupts in his side.
He hears Chewie’s roar right before blaster fire erupts all around them. He sits up to give himself a better look at the room around him and is just in time to deflect a blaster bolt back on the Stormtrooper who fired it. Beside him, his father has started firing shots to aid the Scavenger and FN-2187 whilst Chewie has disappeared from his view. As he is concentrating on deflecting the shots aimed in their direction, he feels his father begin to tug on his upper arm.
“Ben! Come on!”, Han shouts as he shoves Ben’s lightsaber into his hands.
Doing his best to walk without calling attention to the wound in his side, Ben follows closely beside his father, whose focus is on the few remaining troopers. Reaching the end of the walkway, they are met by Chewie, who appears as eager as Han is to get out of this mess. Ben blocks a shot from the last trooper, and then uses the Force to pull him over the railing and into the chasm below. After that, everything is mostly a blur. They make their way up to where the Scavenger, Rey he suddenly remembers from his mind probe, and FN-2187 are. After that, Chewie sets off the explosives that had apparently been placed and they make a mad dash to the Falcon.
As the ramp closes, Chewie and Han run for the cockpit with Rey and FN-2187 on their heels. Ben is slower now that they are out of mortal danger… well, maybe everyone else is out of it. As he walks towards the Dejark table, he starts to see stars. He reaches to steady himself against the table, and that’s the last thing he remembers before everything goes black.