Work Text:
“Hiya! You’ve reached the Doctor’s voicebox, no that’s not right — voicemail! Sorry I didn’t pick up, I’m probably off saving humanity from itself again, or I’m seeing if I can beat the record for how many custard creams I can shove in my mouth. I’d say leave a message but if I’m honest I don’t actually know how to listen to them unless Yaz is around to show me. You’d think being me I’d know how to use a silly little mobile phone from the twenty-first century! Anyway, I’m going to end this now because I think I’m running out of time. Bye!”
The message ended, and the single tone droned, handing the line over the caller.
“Hi, Doctor. It’s Yaz. It’s been two months since I — since we left you behind on Gallifrey. Every day I lose hope that you’re alive out there somewhere in the universe. I think the boys are a good way through their grief now. They accepted it not long after that TARDIS dropped us back on Earth you know? Pretty sure I’m still in the denial stage though and I’m happy to stay here.”
Yaz sighed down the line as she ran a hand over tired eyes.
“Fuck, this stupid. I’m talking to your voicemail for God’s sake. You’re never gonna reply to me. I don’t even know if this is gonna help me. Probably not. It was nice to hear your voice though from back when you were happy. I’m sorry we couldn’t make you happy, Doctor. I’m sorry you were sad all the time before we left you.”
Yaz choked back a sob, voice cracking through her words as she felt a damp trickle down her cheek.
“I really hope you’re still alive. And if you are I hope you’re okay. I miss you. So much. I hope you can come back to me one day. I probably won’t call this number again. I think this was a bad idea… It hurts too much.”
Yaz pulled the phone away from her ear and pressed the button to end the call. She dropped her phone to her bed and let the rest of her tears fall.
“Hiya! You’ve reached the Doctor’s voicebox, no that’s not right — voicemail! Sorry I didn’t pick up, I’m probably off saving humanity from itself again, or I’m seeing if I can beat the record for how many custard creams I can shove in my mouth. I’d say leave a message but if I’m honest I don’t actually know how to listen to them unless Yaz is around to show me. You’d think being me I’d know how to use a silly little mobile phone from the twenty-first century! Anyway, I’m going to end this now because I think I’m running out of time. Bye!”
The single tone drawled and Yaz dropped down onto her bed, letting out a hollow laugh.
“I said I wouldn’t do this again. But I really needed to hear your voice today. Work fucking sucked. I got an official warning today. I’m slacking and I know it and I probably deserve it but it’s just more proof of how much I’m struggling without you. Without knowing what happened to you. Whether you’re dead. Whether you’re alive and choosing not to come back to me — to us. Maybe you’re alive and you can’t get back, maybe you’re out there trying. Who knows.”
There was a long pause before Yaz spoke again, her voice shaking.
“It’s just — the guilt of leaving you behind is eating away at me, Doctor. I left you there to face him all alone. How could I do that? Why did I do that? I’m sorry, Doctor. I’m so so sorry I let you go. I sometimes wonder… if I told how I really felt in that moment, would you have stayed? Would you have let me go with you?”
Yaz huffed a watery laugh.
“Probably not. You’re too noble for that. It’s one of the reasons I… nevermind. I’m going now. Bye, Doctor.”
“Hiya! You’ve reached the Doctor’s voicebox, no that’s not right — voicemail! Sorry I didn’t pick up, I’m probably off saving humanity from itself again, or I’m seeing if I can beat the record for how many custard creams I can shove in my mouth. I’d say leave a message but if I’m honest I don’t actually know how to listen to them unless Yaz is around to show me. You’d think being me I’d know how to use a silly little mobile phone from the twenty-first century! Anyway, I’m going to end this now because I think I’m running out of time. Bye!”
“I’ve been suspended from work, Doctor.”
Yaz sounded numb when she spoke.
“Fucking joke, right? They didn’t even offer me help. Not that I could speak to anyone anyway, to be honest. What am I supposed to tell them? If I told anyone about you I’d get admitted.”
Yaz let out a long sigh.
“I’ve been to the doctors though. Well… more my mum forced me to go. They’ve upped my dosage for my meds. I’m not surprised. I need it, I know I do. But that’s yet again more of a confirmation that I’m falling back into how I used to be before you. I’ve not slipped Doctor, at this point I’ve fallen off the fucking cliff and I’m still falling as we speak.”
At her own words, Yaz scoffed.
“‘ As we speak.’ God, I sound like an idiot. You can’t even talk back. This is just me, talking to someone who’s not even on the other end of the phone because they’re probably dead. If anyone knew I was doing this they’d probably call me insane. This isn’t exactly the most healthy thing to do, is it? But I don’t really care. I don’t want to stop hearing your voice every time I reach your inbox.”
With another sigh, Yaz’s head fell back against the car seat.
“I just miss you so fucking much Doctor and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I can’t handle having no closure.”
Yaz ended the call and threw her phone onto the passenger seat. She slammed her fist against the steering wheel over and over until her knuckles bruised.
“Hiya! You’ve reached the Doctor’s voicebox, no that’s not right — voicemail! Sorry I didn’t pick up, I’m probably off saving humanity from itself again, or I’m seeing if I can beat the record for how many custard creams I can shove in my mouth. I’d say leave a message but if I’m honest I don’t actually know how to listen to them unless Yaz is around to show me. You’d think being me I’d know how to use a silly little mobile phone from the twenty-first century! Anyway, I’m going to end this now because I think I’m running out of time. Bye!”
“Listen,” Yaz slurred, “‘m not a drinker. Probably drank like — once in m’life before this. But I don’t really give a shit anymore. About anythin’. Think it numbs the pain of missin’ you a little bit. Is that cringy? Maybe I should drink more?”
Yaz’s head thumped against the side of the toilet stall while her free hand fiddled with the zip of her leather jacket. In the background, the music in the bar thumped in a muffled beat through the walls.
“Tonight I’ve learned beer is gross. Did you know that? Think I remember you spittin’ beer out after havin’ a sip of Ryan’s once.”
A groan rumbled in Yaz’s throat.
“My head is spinnin’. My family’d kill me if they knew I were this drunk. Don’t really fuckin’ care if ‘m honest. Might call Ryan to pick me up. He’ll be less mad.”
Yaz tried to clear her throat when she felt a lump form that wouldn’t budge. Her voice croaking on every word as damp formed in her eyes.
“I miss you,” she whispered to no one. “Where are you, Doctor? I wish you were here. If you were, I’d probably have the courage to tell ya. I ain’t sayin’ it though, ‘cause I think you’ve always known.”
Yaz puffed out a breath as nausea washed over her.
“Right, I feel bit sick so I’m goin’, Doctor. Bye.”
It wasn’t the alcohol that had Yaz emptying her stomach into the toilet bowl not a minute later, but the near confession she let slip. She’d never admitted it out loud. Had no intention of starting now. Not sad and drunk in a dingy toilet in a crappy bar in Sheffield. It could wait until the Doctor got back.
“Hiya! You’ve reached the Doctor’s voicebox, no that’s not right — voicemail! Sorry I didn’t pick up, I’m probably off saving humanity from itself again, or I’m seeing if I can beat the record for how many custard creams I can shove in my mouth. I’d say leave a message but if I’m honest I don’t actually know how to listen to them unless Yaz is around to show me. You’d think being me I’d know how to use a silly little mobile phone from the twenty-first century! Anyway, I’m going to end this now because I think I’m running out of time. Bye!”
Yaz’s voice was hoarse when she spoke.
“I know you don’t even hear these but I still feel like I owe you an apology for last night, Doctor. I was drunk and an idiot. I don’t drink. God… what the fuck is wrong with me? Anyway, yeah I’m sorry. Bye.”
“Hiya! You’ve reached the Doctor’s voicebox, no that’s not right — voicemail! Sorry I didn’t pick up, I’m probably off saving humanity from itself again, or I’m seeing if I can beat the record for how many custard creams I can shove in my mouth. I’d say leave a message but if I’m honest I don’t actually know how to listen to them unless Yaz is around to show me. You’d think being me I’d know how to use a silly little mobile phone from the twenty-first century! Anyway, I’m going to end this now because I think I’m running out of time. Bye!”
“Hi, Doctor. Think I’ve lost count of how many of these I’ve left you now over the past couple months.”
Yaz let out a long breath as she stewed in the silence of her room. Hiding from the darkness under the covers of her bed.
“Today’s been a bad day. I’d like to say I’ve left my bed but… it’s five o’clock in the afternoon and I’ve been awake about an hour and I’ve been lay here this whole time contemplating whether to call you. Hearing your voice has made me feel a little better but it also hurts. Like, really hurts. I just wanna hear you say anything else apart from that stupid message. Also, my mum found out I’m leaving you messages. She said I should stop but I’m probably not going to.”
A tired sigh left Yaz’s lips.
“I wish I could see your face, Doctor. Like really see it,” A beat, “Pictures just aren’t the same.”
When Yaz next called, she wasn’t greeted with the comforting sound of the Doctor’s voice, but the cold robotic sound of a stranger.
“We’re sorry, this mailbox is now full and cannot accept new messages at this time.”
Yaz froze. Something cold and unwelcome formed in her chest as a short breath stuttered from her lips. She ended the call and tried again.
“We’re sorry, this mailbox is now full and cannot accept new messages at this time.”
“No…”
Yaz ended the call. She tried again.
“We’re sorry, this mailbox is now full and cannot accept new messages at this time.”
“No, no, no for fuck sake.”
Arm raised, Yaz readied her phone for a collision against her bedroom wall until she slumped, thinking better than to break her only contact with the Doctor.
Yaz sat down on the edge of her bed, and resorted to the only remaining form of communication she had.
Today 09:01pm
Yaz: hi doctor
Yaz: looks like we’re switching to texting now. i say we…….
Yaz: this is so stupid
Yaz: but i honestly don’t care anymore
Yaz: i think talking to you like this is an addiction at this point
Yaz: you know it’s easier to admit things over text messages. probably another silly human thing you think is weird but it’s true
The next night the phone screen was blurry when Yaz pulled it out of her pocket while she walked home. She dialled the only number in her recents and let it ring out until the familiar voice of a stranger droned in her ear.
“We’re sorry, this mailbox is now full and cannot accept new messages at this time.”
“Shit,” she slurred, “Forgot about that.”
Thumb swiping across the screen, Yaz pulled up her one-sided text thread.
Today 11:53pm
Yaz: so i drank again
Yaz: defo too myuch
Yaz: whoops lol
Yaz: doctor im so sad all thre time without yuio
Yaz: i miss you
Yaz: ad fuck it
Yaz: i love you
Yaz: fcuk im crying aagin
The tears leaking from her eyes made it even harder to type.
Yaz: i cry pertty much evreyday now
Yaz: its been 6 months doctor
Today 12:00am
Yaz: where are you?