Archive of Our Own

It was dark in the Hospital Wing by the time Remus woke up for the second time. He wished he hadn’t woken up, though. Because if he was still asleep, he could pretend that what happened the night before was a dream. A nightmare born out of anxiety. Some sick joke that his mind decided to play on him.

He could pretend that Dumbledore coming to his bedside and telling him about Severus Snape’s promise to keep his secret wasn’t real. He could pretend James hadn’t come by to tell him his side of the story and promise him that no one was hurt. He could pretend that his best friend hadn’t made the biggest and stupidest fucking decision to betray his secret and almost kill someone in the process.

But as Remus rolled over and looked at his nightstand, the evidence that the night before wasn’t a horrible dream confronted him head-on. Leaning against a bottle of pain potion that Madame Pomfrey must have left there for him in case he needed it in the middle of the night was a letter. A letter with the words “I’m sorry,” in Sirius’ surprisingly neat handwriting inked across the front.

He wanted to present, but he couldn’t.

Anger bubbled in Remus’ chest. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to punch Sirius.

That wasn’t a feeling he’d ever had before. Sure, Sirius had done some idiotic things in the past, some of which had unintentionally hurt Remus. But Remus had never been as mad at him about them as he was at that moment. He took a deep breath, unclenched his jaw, and relaxed his shoulders. It was probably just the residual wolf left in him. It was making his emotions go haywire.

He stared at the letter for a long moment before picking it up. Spellotaped to the back of it was a bar of Honeydukes’ Finest Chocolate, something Sirius had been bringing him after every moon since the one he confronted him about his condition. It was one of the fancy bars, too. He set the chocolate on his nightstand, still too angry to eat apology chocolate, and carefully unfolded the letter.

Dear Moony,

I am so, so sorry. Unbelievably sorry. I wish I could be telling you this in person, but Prongs won’t let me go with him to visit you. He says he’ll bring you this letter though, so that’s something. I hope he actually does. He’s pretty pissed off at me. Went off for about an hour at me once we’d gotten back to the dorm after meeting with Dumbledore. Said I didn’t get in nearly enough trouble. Wormy’s mad at me, too, in his own way. Won’t talk to me. And if even HE’S mad at me, then you must be livid.

You have to know, I would never have said anything if I thought it would hurt you. I would never do anything on purpose to hurt you. I guess I wasn’t thinking straight. Or maybe at all. You always say I don’t think things through, huh?

Snivellus was goading me on, I swear. He kept saying these awful things about you, and I just—I snapped. I didn’t think he’d really be daft enough to go through with it. Prongs says that’s not an excuse, and I should have known better. Maybe he’s right.

I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.

Yours,

Padfoot

At the bottom of the letter was a little drawing of two paw prints, like there always was when Sirius wrote letters to Remus. From second-year on, Sirius had always made the joke that they were the dogs of the group. Remus and Sirius. The wolf and the dog star. The little paw prints that he signed his letters with were how Remus had come up with the nickname Padfoot. He had been proud of it. Now it felt too familiar.

—

A little over a week later, Remus woke up—this time in his own bed—to another letter on his nightstand. Remus hadn’t seen Sirius in a week outside of class and mealtime. James said that he’d taken to sleeping in the common room to give Remus space. The part of him that was still angry was glad about that. He didn’t care if Sirius was comfortable or not. But there was also the part of him that still loved and cared about his friend that felt bad for effectively kicking Sirius out of his own room and stealing his friends. Because although Remus hadn’t seen Sirius, he continued to see James and Peter.

The latter part of him won. He reached over to grab the letter and opened it.

Dear Moony Remus,

I’m sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past week while I’ve been giving you space. I haven’t really been able to do anything but think, really. I can’t sleep. I can barely eat. All I’ve been able to do is think about how much I’ve hurt you. I am so, so sorry. I don’t really know how else to say it. I asked for you to forgive me in my last letter, but I know I shouldn’t ask that of you. I probably don’t deserve your forgiveness. What I did was so fucked up. It doesn’t matter if I didn’t mean to hurt you. The fact is that I did. I’m not even sure I can say that I didn’t mean to, because, honestly, I think a part of me knew what would happen and I did it anyway. I think a part of me wanted to see Snivellus Snape hurt.

I’m so sorry. If I could take it back, I would.

Yours,

Padfoot Sirius

P.S. Either one of the other Prefects or one of the house-elves snitched to McGonagall that I was sleeping in the common room, so I have to start sleeping in the dorm again. But I’m going to make sure I’m cleared out before you wake up so you can still have your space.

—

Another week went by before the next letter arrived. By then, Remus was starting to waver in his resolve to freeze Sirius out. Especially after his conversation with Lily about the whole event. He was still hurt, but he wasn’t angry anymore. And he was pretty sure that some of his hurt stemmed from the lack of his best friend orbiting around him. Remus loved James and Peter, but he’d always been closer to Sirius. Sirius, who stayed up with him the night before the full moon when he couldn’t sleep. Sirius, who made him laugh, even in the worst situations. Sirius, who knew exactly how he took his tea and which chocolate brand he liked best.

Remus missed him like crazy. Probably more than he should miss someone who was just a friend. He didn’t want to, because he wasn’t sure exactly what it meant for them in the grand scheme of friendship. But he did. Merlin, he missed him so much. So, when he woke up to another letter on his nightstand, Remus didn’t even hesitate before snatching it up and ripping it open.

I miss you.

I know I don’t have the right to say that, but fuck, I really miss you.

I’m so sorry.

Remus’ hands shook. It was the shortest letter he’d received yet. No greeting, no signature. Just words that made Remus crumble. Scrambling out of bed, he grabbed a self-inking quill and scrawled a quick message on the bottom of the letter. He let the ink dry while he got dressed for class, then before leaving, he left the note on Sirius’s pillow with a bar of Honeydukes’ Finest Chocolate.

I miss you, too.

Yours,

Moony