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The thing was Tony couldn’t exactly explain why today felt so weird. He just woke up and something felt off, but as far as he could tell nothing was out of the ordinary. There were no interruptions to get his morning coffee, in fact it even seemed to taste better than normal, but something was still off. He worked in the lab for a bit trying to fix a bug on the new Stark Phone prototype. Then when he did finally manage to fix it, Pepper came down to drag him to a meeting. Okay, he really did hate meetings, especially ones with the board, but besides his hate for meetings nothing abnormal happened at said meeting. The rest of the day was absolutely normal. So why the hell did something seem so wrong?
It was late, and that’s how things start.
When Tony got a notification around 11 that Peter went out in the suit his first instinct was to be mad, to call the kid and tell him to go home, but it was Friday, he wanted to go to bed, and there was no real reason for him to tell Peter to go home. It would only end in Peter complaining about not having enough patrol time or some sort of argument, and hell it was a Friday night Peter could sleep in tomorrow. Either way, the kid probably had a good reason for being out this late, and he knew Peter would call if he really needed something. With that thought in mind Tony allowed himself to collapse into bed, falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.
***
Tony was woken up by FRIDAY speaking. “Boss, Mr. Parker has left a voicemail.”
“Play it Fri.” Tony responded groggily, blindly reaching over to grab his phone to check the time.
Why the hell was Peter calling at 2 in the morning?
“H-hey Mister Stark,” Tony could hear Peter’s voice breaking as it came through the phone and he was out of bed in an instant, any amount of grogginess left in his body vanished as he heard the brokenness of Peters voice. “I hope you’re doing well.” He heard what sounded like the start of a cry, that cut off as quick as it came as he ran towards the elevator motioning for FRIDAY to get a suit ready.
Tony was in the elevator and downstairs sprinting towards the landing pad when he heard Peter start talking again. “I’m going to see the stars tonight. I’m gonna see more than you ever knew existed.” Tony jumped off the landing pad into a suit that FRIDAY had prepared for him and was thankful FRIDAY had both transferred the voicemail to keep playing and already had Peter’s location pulled up. “I’ll leave a sea of them for you okay? I’ll be happy now and you can just forget about me. I just wanted you to know that you were the best mentor anyone could ever ask for and I love you like a dad. I know you probably don’t see me as anything but some annoying kid or your intern, but-” Peter’s voice trailed off for a moment and all Tony wanted to do was wrap the kid in a hug and tell him how amazing he was. Peter had to be okay. He had to be. Tony didn’t know what he would ever do without Peter in his life. Of course Tony saw Peter as a son, he pretty much always has. “But I just thought you should know.” There was a slight pause and it took everything in Tony to not start crying. He was getting close to the bridge where Peter was. He could see it, he could see an outline standing on it, Peter . “I love you Mr. Stark.”
Tony tried not to cry as he pushed the thrusters to the max to get to Peter faster. He had to get there. Peter called, he needed Tony, he had to get there. He had to get to Peter. So close, he was so close, he could make out that it was clearly Peter standing on top of the bridge.
Landing on top of the bridge a few paces away from Peter, Tony could hear Peter talking to himself as he moved closer to the kid, careful to not accidentally startle him but quick enough that he could grab Peter if needed.
“Today doesn’t exist.” Peter whispered. “It doesn’t have to exist.” Tony slowly reached out and gently placed his hand on Peter’s shoulder. The kid snapped his head to the side to look at Tony. Tony could see the wave of what almost looked like relief cross Peter's face. “I just have to make way for tomorrow.”
Tony followed suit as he watched Peter slowly sink down to sit on top of the bridge, and kept a hand gently placed on Peter's shoulder.
“Peter.” Tony said, hoping to grab the kid’s attention, but Peter’s face stayed blank as he stared out straight ahead. Tony could practically hear the thoughts of self doubt flowing through Peter’s head and when he went to speak again Peter spoke.
“I just want today to stop existing.”
The pain in Peter’s voice was clear as day to Tony. He could hear the brokenness, hear the numbness, hear the sadness, everything he hoped to never hear in his kid’s voice.
“I know buddy.” Tony said softly. He kept his hand on Peter’s shoulder just in case. He knew at this point, Peter probably wouldn’t do or chance anything, but in all honesty Tony was still terrified that he would. "How about we get some hot chocolate and not worry about today. Does that sound good?"
“I don’t like today.” Peter said, and Tony ignored the fact that Peter either ignored, deflected, or just flat out didn’t hear Tony’s question.
Based on how the kid looked it wasn’t hard to tell Peter was dissociating, Tony just had to get through enough to get Peter back to the tower safely.
“Me either.” Tony answered honestly. Any day that Peter didn’t like he didn’t like either, and seeing Peter like this made him hate today even more. “Do you want to take a flight to the tower?” Tony asked hoping a simpler question would register.
“Yeah.”
"Alright come 'ere spider baby." Tony opened his arms out and Peter gladly clung to him resting his head on Tony’s shoulder.
Tony grabbed Peter's mask and slid it over the kid’s face. He wasn’t all too worried that someone would see as it was extremely late, but he refused to take that chance. With Peter still in his arms Tony took off and started flying towards the tower. They were in the air for a few minutes when Peter broke the silence.
“Mr. Stark?” Tony could hear the hesitance in Peter’s voice and gave a small hum in response hoping Peter would hear him. “Why don’t you want today to exist?”
Tony stayed silent for a few moments running the question through his head. Why did he not want today to exist? Well for one Peter was hurting, Peter didn’t want today to exist therefore Tony didn’t want it to either. It wasn’t like he wanted to ignore the problem, that wasn’t it at all, but he knew, he understood what it was like to be so- so numb, so tired, so exhausted some days that it was better to just not exist. He knew they’d have to face the problem head on eventually, but he also knew from his own experiences that trying to face the problem on a day like this was next to impossible. There’s always tomorrow to try again. At some point yeah if there are so many numb days in a row, something has to be done, but it’s more of a ‘we fix today’ solution so that the next day, other parts of the problem can be worked on. It’s similar to a math problem. One step needs to be completed before moving onto the next. The whole problem can’t be tackled at once, it will give the wrong outcome, but if the steps are followed, even if a few steps back need to be taken, eventually the right answer will come out of it.
“Because you don't want today to exist, I don't want it to exist for you, so we'll let today not exist together and try again tomorrow.” Tony finally answered.
It wasn’t long before they landed at the Tower and Tony refused to let go of Peter as they made their way towards Peter’s room. The distant look stayed on Peter’s face as Tony helped him out of the suit and into comfy clothes. It didn’t leave when Tony quickly got changed. And Tony didn’t see it falter one bit until they were almost to the kitchen and Peter melted even further into Tony’s embrace as they walked. When they got to the kitchen Tony led Peter to one of the barstools for him to sit down.
“I’m going to make some hot chocolate. You good with that kiddo?” Tony asked as he pulled two mugs out from the cabinet.
Peter didn’t respond, continuing to stare blankly ahead. Tony wasn’t surprised, but quickly made the hot chocolate while glancing over to Peter about every two seconds. Soon enough the hot chocolate was done and Tony gave a mug to Peter while guiding the kid towards the couch.
When Tony sat down Peter quickly curled himself into Tony’s side and Tony immediately wrapped an arm around Peter pulling the kid closer. Tony didn’t say anything knowing that if Peter wanted to talk he would. But not speaking meant his mind was racing, and his mind racing always meant bad thoughts. Because what if Peter didn’t call him? Would KAREN have alerted him? Would Peter even be alive? Would he have gone through with it? And that thought. Tony couldn’t bear that thought. Life without Peter was just- he couldn’t imagine a life without Peter. A life without Peter would be a life where something was always missing from his heart, his- his soul . He’d still be a wreck without Peter. Spending days on end in the lab without sleep or proper food, pretty much only living on coffee and alcohol. The only time he’d sleep was if he passed out in the lab from either sleep deprivation or too much alcohol consumption. And he couldn’t do that, not again. And Peter, well Peter clearly wasn’t fine, but he would be eventually. Tony would make sure Peter got the help he needed. Therapy, maybe meds if needed, but the point was that he’d be there the whole way. No matter what, Tony would be there. He refused to let Peter go through this alone, to suffer alone. God knows he knew what it was like to suffer through depression and anxiety, that numbness yet feeling everything all at once, completely alone. At least until Rhodey, and then Pepper, and even Happy, and now Peter. If it wasn’t for them, Tony knows he’d be dead, hell he would’ve died long ago. But Peter? Peter has his whole life ahead of him, and Tony absolutely refused to let this stop Peter from enjoying life. He’ll be there, by Peter’s side through all this shit, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and the uglier. He’ll be there to catch Peter if he falls. He’ll be there to help hold him up when it’s too hard for him to do it himself. And he’ll be there on the good days, spending time making terrible puns in the lab, and having Star Wars marathons. The worst days, he’ll be there too, making sure Peter knows that he’ll never leave no matter what, always making sure Peter knows he always, always has someone in his corner.
“I’m sorry.” Peter said breaking Tony’s trail of thoughts, their hot chocolate long gone cold by now. “I’m just so tired.”
“No no, you don’t have to apologize.” Tony said and quickly moved their mugs of now cold hot chocolate to the coffee table before pulling Peter back tightly into his arms so the kid was practically in his lap. “You have nothing to apologize for. You're here and you're safe, that's all that matters.”
“I should’ve said something.” Peter whimpered in protest.
"You did tesoro you called me, you did the right thing. It's okay." Tony placed a hand on the back of Peter's head and slowly worked his fingers through the curls. He felt Peter relax a bit more, but the kid still tried to protest.
“But-”
“No buts. You said you’d call me for anything and you did and I came. I promise Pete all that matters is you’re safe.” Tony reassured, hoping his message would get across. “I’m always gonna be here cucciolo. As long as you need, I’m here. I promise.”
“I’m sorry.” Peter whispered again.
“It's okay. Get some rest, bambi. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.” Tony said and pressed a kiss to Peter’s soft curls.
“Promise?” Peter asked yawning midway through his question.
Peter snuggled up closer and rested his ear over Tony’s heart, and Tony held Peter just a little tighter, too scared to let go.
“Promise.” Tony whispered. “I love you il mio bambino.”
“Love you too dad.”
It didn’t take long for Peter to fall asleep and Tony had no surprise when he couldn’t sleep, his mind still too awake, too loud. He tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts that kept finding their way in, but with Peter asleep, alive, breathing, in his arms, it made it a little easier to keep some of the bad thoughts out. Not entirely though. Many still swarmed his mind asking what if. What if Peter wasn’t here. What if Peter had- no, no stop, he couldn’t let his mind get the best of him. Not tonight. Not right now. Peter is safe. Peter is alive. Peter is breathing. Peter is physically okay.
Tony moved his hand slightly to feel Peter’s pulse point on his neck. The soft thump thump he felt every few seconds was enough to bring a little ease to his mind. Peter is alive. That’s what he had to keep telling himself.
***
A few hours later when Peter woke up and Tony saw the look of relief that came across Peter’s face when he realized Tony was still with him, that was enough to put Tony’s mind completely to rest for a little while. The two stayed cuddled up on the couch in silence for a bit, though it wasn’t awkward. Tony wasn’t sure if Peter wanted to talk, or if the kid was ready to get up, but it was clear enough that Peter was comfortable (Tony was too, but Peter was what mattered right now) and was fine not moving if he didn’t have too.
“Do you need anything kiddo?” Tony asked at some point breaking the silence.
“No.” Peter answered simply.
There was a hesitance in his voice that Tony couldn’t quiet place. Was he scared Tony would ask about yesterday? Was he scared to talk about yesterday? Was he scared Tony would try to pull the information out of him? But Tony ignored that hesitance, not wanting to bring it up incase Peter didn’t want to. If Peter wanted to talk about it, about any of it, Tony would let him do it on his own terms. He knew from experience that someone trying to pry that type of information out would only end in that person shutting down, and that was the last thing he wanted Peter to do right now.
“Are you hungry at all?” Tony asked.
“Not really.” Peter replied.
“How about some toast? Keep it easy on the stomach.” Tony suggested knowing that Peter had to eat.
“That’s fine.”
“Do you want to stay here or come to the kitchen with me?”
“I’ll stay here please.” Peter said.
“Okay bud. I’ll be right back.” Tony said and Peter untangled himself from Tony so he could get up. As Tony passed the other end of the couch he grabbed the blanket that was thrown over the end and tossed it towards Peter. “Here kiddo.”
“Thanks.” He heard Peter mumble.
Tony was quick to make a slice of toast for himself and Peter along with an apple juice for said kid and a coffee for himself. Within a few minutes he was back on the couch handing Peter his plate. They ate in silence and the second Peter was done eating he was snuggled up against Tony’s side.
“Star Wars marathon or are you feeling something different today?” Tony asked when he was done eating.
“Can we watch The Office?” Peter asked and Tony wrapped an arm around Peter to better hold him.
“You heard him Fri.”
FRIDAY started playing The Office on the TV and Tony hoped it would help Peter relax a bit more.
***
Tony and Peter watched The Office for a few hours. The only talking they did was making jokes every once in a while, complaining about Michael, and of course laughing their asses off. Even though Peter was laughing and talking, Tony could tell the kid was still exhausted and borderline dissociating. He hoped that watching a show like this would help Peter unwind and though Tony did want to talk a little about yesterday (well early this morning) he wouldn’t ask right now, not wanting to force Peter to talk about something he didn’t want to. Right now all he could really do was be there for Peter until he brought it up. And if that meant staying cuddled up on the couch watching The Office , then that’s what he would do.
A few more episodes passed and Tony wasn’t sure how many episodes they ended up watching before Peter said something that wasn’t episode related.
“I think I need help.” Peter said catching Tony a bit off guard.
Tony wasn’t sure how to respond to that, as he had only been on the end of saying he needed help. Okay well and he didn’t really even say it, it was just kind of forced onto him. So what would he want to hear if he was the one asking for help? Because he didn’t want Peter to feel like he was brushing the issue off or even the opposite by making him feel like help is being forced onto him. But at the same time Tony wants Peter to know that he’ll support him and will be there the whole way. And also that Peter is still in control here, if he doesn’t want to do something, Tony wouldn’t force him to do it.
“With what?” Tony asked.
He knew what Peter was referring to, he also knew that Peter probably knew he knew what he was referring to as well, but it seemed like a better option to let Peter tell Tony himself. It would give Peter the option to say something else if he wasn’t ready, but it also gave him the option to share as much or as little as he wanted to if he chose to share.
“I’m just- I feel so numb all the time.” Peter answered, his voice sounded so small, hell the kid was even trying to make himself smaller by curling up into a tighter ball. Tony stayed silent, an invitation for Peter to continue if he wanted. “I don’t know why, but I do. I know- I know I shouldn’t feel like this because I have a good life- I know I have a good life, so I don’t have any reason to feel like this all the time, but I do.”
Tony didn’t say anything at first, not sure if Peter had more to say, but when Peter stayed silent Tony spoke. “Can I tell you something someone told me one time?” Tony asked, not wanting to give Peter advice if he didn’t want it, and when he felt Peter nod against his chest he continued. “Just because you have a good life doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be depressed or are immune to it. It’s perfectly valid and I want you to know that anyone, including you, is allowed to be depressed no matter the circumstances. Depression doesn’t discriminate.”
“But I don’t even know why I feel like this.” Peter said. “I know I should be happy, but I’m not, no matter how much I try. Like yeah there are some days I feel better than others, but it’s like a dark cloud is still looming over.”
“I understand that feeling.” Tony answered, not really sure what else to say. “What do you want to do then?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“Do you want me to give you a few options and you tell me what sounds best?” Tony asked, because he felt that maybe laying out a few options for Peter would be better and easier for him rather trying to come up with what he wanted to do on his own.
“Y-yeah.” Peter answered a few moments later.
“First option is I call a few therapists and get you an appointment just to try it out, see what you think. Second option is I call a psychiatrist to make an appointment and see if meds could possibly benefit. Third option is both. It’s completely up to you though, whatever you want to do we’ll make it work.”
While Tony wanted and was tempted to call a therapist last night, and now, and if Peter said he didn’t want Tony to call, he wouldn’t. He knew that this decision had to be completely up to Peter. If Peter felt forced in anyway, the chances of him shutting down, or resisting any sort of help, completely skyrocketed. The last thing Tony wanted was for Peter to keep hurting, so for that reason he wanted to call no matter what, but he understood it wouldn’t do Peter any good if he were forced onto meds or into therapy. It just wouldn’t. Nothing good ever came out of being forced into something. At the same time, he wanted Peter to be safe, he needed Peter to be safe, but would forcing Peter into something he didn’t want keep him safe or make it worse?
“I-I don’t know.” Peter finally said.
“How about I call a few people and make an appointment, and if you decide that’s not what you want we can cancel it. Does that sound okay?” Tony asked, it felt right to ask like this, it still gave Peter the option to say no and he could change his mind, but at the same time hopefully making answering or asking a little easier.
“Y-yeah. That’s fine” Peter answered. “T-that’s good. Yeah”
“Yeah? Okay. On Monday I’ll call, alright? If you change your mind at any point, just let me know, okay?”
“Okay.”
“You doing a bit better today?” Tony asked.
“Yeah. I feel a bit better.” Peter answered, and while Tony could see that Peter looked better, looks don’t always tell the truth, so he hoped Peter was telling the truth.
“If you ever need anything bud, I’m always here. I promise, no matter what, I’m here.”
“Thank you.”
“Ti amo cuore.” Tony said and pressed a kiss to the top of Peter’s head.
“Ti amo anch’io.” Peter replied, snuggling closer to Tony.
While Tony was still worried and scared and sitting with every bad thought running through his mind, there was still something in his mind that said everything would be okay. Tomorrow will come eventually.