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“I absolutely love weddings.”
“Yes, Kitty, we know,” Fanny said.
“It’s just so lovely. The bride always looks so beautiful-“
“We know , Kitty.”
“-and they just love each other so so much-“
“Ha!” Humphrey laughed so sharply that Mary was startled and nearly dropped him. “Love each other indeed. Look at him.”
Once again they all turned to the groom. He was an impeccably presented man in army uniform (scandalising Fanny), rather old to be getting married (“A widower, perhaps,” Kitty had theorised. “Isn’t it just so wonderful that he’s found love again?”).
“Palms all sweaty. Shaking all over. He’s got cold feet. Don’t do it!” Humphrey called.
“Nonsense,” Fanny said. “He’s just nervous because it’s such an important moment.” She paused doubtfully. “Isn’t he?”
“And, because the bride will look so beautiful,” Kitty said.
“Indeed, she will.” Thomas’s voice wavered. “I don’t think I can bear to see my Genevieve given to another man.”
“Thomas, she’s over a hundred years younger than you and you’ve only known her since this morning,” Fanny said wearily.
“Yeah,” Robin said. “Get grip.”
“What be the groom’s name?” asked Mary.
“How am I supposed to know that?” Thomas snapped.
The groom stood at attention in front of the altar, hands gripped tightly behind his back. It almost looked as if he was swaying slightly. The best man squeezed his shoulder.
“Chin up, old chap,” he murmured. The groom glanced at him with a faint smile.
“What a lovely, kind best man,” Kitty said. “They must be very close.”
“Captain something-or-other,” Thomas said. “They’ll tell us when they do the vows. Oh!” He clutched at his heart. The bride had begun her steady walk down the aisle, veil obscuring her face. Captain Something-or-Other paled.
“Genevieve!” Thomas moaned. “Don’t go to him, my darling! He doesn’t love you!”
“Yes, he does!” Kitty said irritably.
Genevieve arrived at the altar. After the Captain, too rigid to move, failed to lift her veil, she courteously did so herself. Thomas gave an anguished cry.
“Shh!” Kitty said. “They’re starting the vows!” She was the only one enraptured as the vicar began his droning preamble. Robin made a face.
“Love, blah, blah, man woman blah, blah,” he said. “Sound like you, Thomas.”
Thomas recovered from his Genevieve-induced morose for long enough to smack Robin on the back of the head.
“...and you may have noticed our unusual choice of venue today,” the vicar said. “This was a special request from the bride…”
“Godless little harlot,” Fanny sniped. “Too good for church, are we?”
“...as her venerable husband-to-be was stationed here several years prior. And what better way is there to honour one of our nation’s heroes on this most momentous day?” the vicar went on. He smiled indulgently at the Captain, who appeared not to notice, his gaze having been fixed on the opposite wall for some time.
“See, there’s nervous,” Humphrey said, “and then there’s the thousand-yard bloody stare.”
“Humphrey,” Kitty hissed, “if you do not shut up I shall pick you up and roll you down the aisle myself.”
The vicar cleared his throat. “Without further ado,” he said. Kitty squealed. “Do you-“
Thomas, who had been edging forward for a better look at Genevieve, yelped and jumped back. The Captain had collapsed right at his feet.
“Oh, my gosh!” Kitty shrieked.
“Told you,” said Humphrey.
The best man was at the Captain’s side immediately, hands on his shoulders. Someone shouted for a doctor and a guest came forward. Genevieve stood frozen, mouth hanging open.
“Oi!” Robin shouted, as Mary doubled over, gagging. Others were rushing to the front, some of them straight through the ghosts.
The doctor shook his head and stood up. The best man did not, still looking down at the Captain, saying something inaudible. People stepped around him to comfort Genevieve. Kitty burst into tears, and so did Thomas.
“Why couldn’t it have been Genevieve?” he cried.
“Wait! Look, he be getting up!”
“I don’t think so, Mary,” Fanny said quietly. “Look.”
The Captain seemed to separate in two. He grimaced as he passed through the best man. Humphrey’s body gave him a hand up.
“Tenner says-“
“ Shush , Robin,” Kitty said. “Excuse me -“
The Captain didn’t notice her, his eyes sliding from his own body to the best man, now slumped against the altar, blinking in disbelief.
“Frankie?” he whispered.
Kitty tried again. “I’m terribly sorry, but I never caught your name-“
“Do you mind?” the Captain snapped, colour rising to his cheeks. “Unless you’d care to tell me just what the bally hell is going on-“
“We can tells you,” Mary said, stepping protectively in front of Kitty, whose lip had started to tremble. “Though ‘tis most noisome in here, so perhaps-“
“I don’t recall asking you,” the Captain said. “Or - or any of this fancy dress troupe, in fact. Where did you lot come from, anyway?” He was facing the other ghosts now, stick gripped officiously, but his eyes kept returning to the best man.
“Where are your manners?” Fanny said. “We’re trying to help you, you know. Now follow us into the other room at once-“
“Give him break, he just die,” Robin said. “Maybe we should…” He gestured vaguely to the Captain and best man. “Leave alone for a while.”
Thomas sniffled. “You go ahead. I should like to offer my comfort to Genevieve. She may be unable to see me, but in spirit I can surely-“
“Oh, give it up, Thomas,” Kitty said, wiping her eyes out of habit. “This is one of the worst weddings I’ve ever been to.”
They all started to file out, passing through the wall into the adjacent drawing room.
“I told you so,” Humphrey said again. “Poor sod.” The Captain now sat in front of the altar beside the best man, looking at him but not saying anything. Kitty thought she saw his hand pass ineffectually through the best man’s shoulder.
“‘Tis a dreadful shame,” Mary said.
“Oh, I don’t think so,” Fanny said briskly. She, too, had had her eye on the Captain and his best man. “Probably for the best. I think Humphrey was right, he didn’t want to.”
“And Genevieve deserves better than a brute like that,” Thomas sighed, his head through the wall.
“That’s a point,” Humphrey said. “Now we’re stuck with him.”
“Yes,” Robin said, “and you will owe me tenner.”
Fanny waved her hand dismissively.
“I don’t expect he’ll stay long.”