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Carlos hadn't expected his day to go this badly. When he had woken up that morning, he had not expected a phone call saying his mother had collapsed and was in the hospital. He and TK, along with the rest of Carlos’ family, proceeded to spend three hours in the hospital waiting room before they were given the all clear to go home. His mother would be okay, they assured him of that much, but he still couldn’t get rid of the tight feeling in his chest. He had almost lost her, one of the most important people in his entire life. He was sick just thinking about it.
The thing about Carlos was that he often bottled his emotions up, not ever wanting to bring attention to himself. Not because of any of that men shouldn’t cry crap, but because most of the time he found himself being the emotional support for others. He never minded it though. He enjoyed taking care of people when they needed it. As for his own emotions, they could always wait. Just as long as the ones he loved were okay, he would be okay. And in those moments when things got too bad and his emotions threatened to get the best of him, he would turn to those around him for guidance.
But this, this was too much for him to bear and he was afraid that this time he would surely break.
Carlos did his best to try to hide his shaking hands as he unlocked the front door of the house. Tears had been threatening him since they left the hospital and he was on the verge of losing it. He could feel TK’s eyes on him as he followed in behind him, shutting the door. He refused to turn. If he looked to TK, he would collapse and he couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t.
“Carlos.” TK’s voice came through to him, unbearably soft and kind. “How are you feeling?”
Carlos closed his eyes, trying to calm his body down before he finally turned to TK. He smiled, forced himself to. Be strong. You have to be strong.
“I’m fine.” He forced the words out and the sickness down. “I think I need a shower.”
TK nodded and stayed silent as Carlos turned away from him. He knew TK was worried because that was just who TK was. What they had quickly made clear about their relationship is that they would never pry at one another because they knew that they would always talk when they were ready. Unfortunately, Carlos felt as though he’d never be able to talk about this. But he was ready to show TK that he had no reason to be worried in the first place, that he would be okay. This would not break him. He quickly made his way down the hallway, into the bedroom, stripping his clothes as he stepped into the bathroom. He didn’t allow the tears to fall until he was leaned against the shower wall as silent sobs wracked his body.
✩✩✩
Carlos could once again feel TK’s eyes on him as he moved around the kitchen. He had showered and was now trying his best to prepare dinner. TK had offered to help, even offered to call for food instead but Carlos had insisted that that wasn't necessary. But he still couldn’t have TK being too close. If he got close enough, Carlos would lose it again. But he was doing good so far, he had this. He just wished TK would stop staring at him and analyzing him. Because TK was smart, he knew when something was up.
“Carlos, are you sure you don’t need any help?” TK asked from his spot at the counter.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Another forced smile. “Don’t worry. I’ll get this done.”
As if the universe wanted to punish him more, Carlos turned to grab something but instead hit one of the bowls holding the shredded cheese and he watched it tumble to the ground. Carlos swore, bending down to start cleaning it up. His hands began shaking again and he could feel tears pricking at his eyes and he willed them away. But they didn’t go. They only came faster and he couldn’t stop them or the sob that moved past his lips.
“Baby,” TK whispered before he was bent down in front of him. Carlos continued trying to save the food before TK grabbed both of his hands in his. “Carlos, stop.”
He did.
“Carlos, I know you are upset and -”
Carlos shook his head, unable to look up at his boyfriend. “I’m not, I’m fine. I just - uh - I just need a minute.” He said quickly, gently pulling his hands away from TK and standing up. “Can you just please shred some more cheese, sweetheart? I’ll be right back.”
He didn’t allow TK to answer before he disappeared around the corner and into the hallway. He barely made it to the bathroom, slamming the door closed before he felt the hot tears come again.
✩✩✩
He couldn’t sleep. He had managed to make it through the rest of the night without having another breakdown, but now he laid, staring up at the ceiling. The only comforting sound in the room was the sound of TK’s light breathing as he slept. Only a few moments passed before he decided he couldn’t do it anymore, his mind was being too loud. He sighed deeply as he pulled himself up from the bed. He quietly made it from the bedroom and into the kitchen, grabbing one of TK’s hoodies from where it was thrown across one of the chairs. He slid it on gaining instant comfort from it, and inhaled the scent of TK that lingered on it. It managed to calm his body down enough for the numbness to disappear from his hands.
Carefully, he opened the back door and stepped out onto the porch, sitting down onto the steps. The air was warm against him as he stared out into the night, trying to keep his breathing even and his emotions in check. But he could feel the wall breaking again. He whimpered softly as tears began to flow. This time, he allowed them to come, unable to stop them anymore.
“Carlos?”
The voice startled him and he attempted to reign it all back in but failed miserably.
“I’m fine.” Carlos said quickly, sniffing, trying to hide the fact that he was having an emotional crisis on his back porch in the middle of the night.
TK was beside him now, cuddled into another one of his hoodies. “Baby, you are not fine. You’re crying.”
Despite fully knowing he was indeed crying, TK pointing it out only made the dam break completely and then he was sobbing, loud and ugly. TK quickly sat down beside him, wrapping him into his arms and pulling him close.
“I’m sorry.” Carlos mumbled through his tears, frustration rising up in him. This was not who he was.
“You have nothing to apologise for.” TK whispered, pulling him closer. “Why didn’t you tell me how you were feeling? We always tell each other what’s wrong.”
“I know. I was trying to be strong. I’m always the strong one. I didn’t want to cry in front of you.” Carlos said.
He felt TK pull away from him slightly. “Carlos, look at me, please”
He finally did. When their gazes connected, Carlos felt more tears coming on. There was so much understanding. It was almost unbearable in itself. TK reached up to run a hand through his curls. “Of course you’d be worried about others when you are having a literal breakdown.” TK whispered, almost to himself.
“That aside though, I really need you to understand that you never have to pretend with me, okay? What you are feeling should never be a secret. We promised that we will always be there for each other and that we will always talk to each other. You don't have to go through things by yourself because you feel like it may be too much. Please don’t shut yourself down for the benefit of other people. You have to make things about yourself sometimes because you can't take care of others if you are breaking apart. Please don’t hide what you are feeling for my sake or anyone else’s. You don’t deserve that. It’s okay to cry. It will always be okay, especially with me.”
When Carlos spoke again, his voice broke. “I almost lost her, Ty.”
TK nodded but stayed silent. This was Carlos’ time to speak.
“Like the feeling just won’t go away. I feel it deep in my chest and my stomach. Everytime I close my eyes, all I can hear is that stupid phone call and all I can think of is what would have happened if -” He shook his head, unable to finish the sentence. TK squeezed his shoulder, letting him know that he was there. Fresh tears rose to the surface. “I don’t know what I would have done.”
“And thankfully, tonight you don’t have to know and I know how unbearably hard it is to think about losing a parent, but right now, you don’t. Because tonight, she is back home safe and sound with your dad and your sisters. That’s all that matters.”
Carlos nodded slowly.
“What do you need? How can I help you?” TK whispered, looking at him.
Carlos shook his head, shrugging. “No one has really asked me that before.”
TK frowned. "No one?"
"Michelle has a few times but I always insist I'm okay."
“Well, that stops now. We’re in this together and anything you need, anytime you need it. You got it. So, what can I do for you?”
“I just need you close to me.” Carlos mumbled, laying his head down onto TK’s shoulder.
“Okay.” TK said, setting his head onto Carlos’. “I’m here for as long as you need me.”
“Thank you.” Carlos whispered, barely audible.
He wasn’t sure how long they sat there, staring out into the night before they slowly made their way back to their bedroom. But he was thankful to just slip underneath the covers and into TK’s arms, feeling a little lighter than he did before. Here, with TK, he could be himself, he could always break if he needed to.
Here he was always safe.