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When the door opened, Hongjoong was surprised to see Seonghwa walk into the room. Seonghwa wasn't supposed to be here. Hongjoong knew everyone's schedules and he knew that Seonghwa had Japanese lessons right now.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," Seonghwa said politely with a bow to Hongjoong's tutor. "But my lessons were cancelled and management said I could join this lesson instead."
Hongjoong frowned. That didn't really make sense. If Seonghwa's lessons were cancelled, management wouldn't have sent him to join Hongjoong's English lessons. They were at different levels. It would be counterproductive for both of them to be in the same lesson. Hongjoong was immediately suspicious.
However, Hongjoong's tutor had no such reservations and welcomed Seonghwa to join them. Hongjoong thought he caught a glimpse of Wooyoung out in the hallway before Seonghwa closed the door. Hongjoong’s suspicions were heightened when Seonghwa caught his eye and smirked. At the tutor's urging, Seonghwa pulled up a chair to the table. A normal enough action, except for the fact that Seonghwa placed his chair unnecessarily close to Hongjoong's. Hongjoong tried to subtly create some space between them, but Seonghwa grabbed the edge of his chair and pulled them back together. Hongjoong narrowed his eyes, but forced a smile so that the tutor wouldn't notice.
"I hope you don't mind me joining," Seonghwa said to Hongjoong with an innocent smile, like he wasn't planning anything.
Hongjoong glanced at the tutor, but he had gotten up to find extra materials for Seonghwa. Hongjoong took the opportunity to question Seonghwa. He leaned closer and asked quietly, "Why are you here?"
"To learn, of course," Seonghwa replied innocently. If Hongjoong didn't know better, he would have believed him.
"No, why are you in my lesson?"
"What? I can't learn English too?"
"Of course you can." Hongjoong didn't want to imply that Seonghwa couldn't learn English or that he wasn't smart enough to be at Hongjoong's level. Seonghwa was plenty smart, but Hongjoong knew there was more to Seonghwa joining Hongjoong's lesson when he could be anywhere else right now. "But not during my lesson. Go to a different one."
Seonghwa tilted his head, looking for all intents and purposes genuinely confused. "Why not? I just want to learn. Your tutor is fine with it."
"But I need to concentrate and with you here, I can't," Hongjoong said quickly, letting his frustration get the better of him.
Wrong thing to say. Seonghwa's eyes lit up. "Oh, Hongjoong, I thought you didn't notice me. I'm sorry... Am I distracting?"
Seonghwa didn't look sorry. He looked excited and a little vindictive. Hongjoong realized that he had fallen into Seonghwa's trap, but he refused to admit it. "No," Hongjoong snapped. "I'm fine. I can concentrate."
He held eye contact with Seonghwa. He saw the challenge in Seonghwa's eyes. This had just turned into a game- a dangerous game for Hongjoong. Hongjoong now knew exactly what this was about. He had said those same words to Seonghwa a few days ago. Hongjoong remembered the moment perfectly. He had replayed it over and over again in his head so many times that he could never forget the words he had said.
It had been late. Hongjoong had just returned from a meeting with management and he was ready to go to sleep. When he entered their room in the dorm, Seonghwa was sitting on his bed staring at the door like he was waiting for him.
"I'm so ready for bed right now," Hongjoong said as he dumped his backpack on the ground and threw his jacket on the chair.
Seonghwa automatically got up and picked up his jacket to put it away in the closet like usual. Hongjoong continued on with his routine and didn't realize that anything was different until he saw that Seonghwa had stayed by the closet and straightened out the sleeves of his jacket for the third time. Hongjoong stopped what he was doing and turned to face him.
"Are you okay?" Hongjoong asked.
Seonghwa glanced at him before focusing on the jacket again. "Umm.. yeah. Everything is good."
Hongjoong wasn't convinced by that reply but he didn't feel like probing for the real reason right now. He was too tired. He would figure it out tomorrow.
"You know what, actually no," Seonghwa said suddenly. He faced Hongjoong and took a deep breath. "I need to tell you something."
"Alright. What is it?" Hongjoong was a little anxious, unsure what Seonghwa was so determined to say all of a sudden.
Hongjoong waited for Seonghwa to say whatever it was, but Seonghwa seemed frozen in place, just staring at Hongjoong.
"Seonghwa?" Hongjoong asked, waving his hand in front of his face.
"Oh… I guess I just need to say it," Seonghwa said, though it mostly seemed like he was talking to himself.
"Yeah. That would be nice. I don't know what's bothering you so much right now, but if you tell me, maybe I could help."
"Okay…" Seonghwa said, building up his nerve. "Hongjoong, I like you."
Hongjoong blinked. "What?"
"I like you. A lot." When Hongjoong didn't reply, Seonghwa continued. "You're so… I don't know what's the word… captivating. Everything about you- your smile, your laugh, your drive. I just, I don't know... It was like, I noticed you and now I can't stop noticing you. All the time. Everywhere. And I just had to tell you."
Hongjoong's gut twisted the whole time Seonghwa was talking. Then at the very end, Seonghwa smiled and Hongjoong couldn't take it anymore. "I didn't notice you," he said abruptly. Seonghwa's smile faded. "I'm sorry. I didn't … I don't… I'm sorry."
They stood in silence. Hongjoong stared at the floor. He felt Seonghwa's heavy gaze on him but he didn't look up.
"Hongjoong…"
But Hongjoong held up his hand to stop him. "No. Don't... I'm gonna go." He picked up his backpack and walked to the door. He looked back at Seonghwa. Seonghwa was standing completely still, watching Hongjoong leave with a furrowed brow and down-turned lips. He looked so confused and sad that Hongjoong wanted to make it all better. But he couldn't. So he left. He went back to the studio and stayed there all night.
Hongjoong had done his best to avoid Seonghwa after that, but it was hard to do when they lived and worked together. Hongjoong was grateful that at least they weren't promoting right now. It would be hard to hide how awkward they were around each other. The rest of the team noticed but Hongjoong just brushed it off. After two days of awkwardness, Hongjoong knew that they needed to talk about it. They couldn't go on like this. It wasn't good for them or for the team. And he found himself missing Seonghwa. No matter about the other stuff, they were still friends and Hongjoong didn't want to lose that.
He had decided to talk to Seonghwa after he had finished his English lesson. It was the last item on his schedule for the day. But then Seonghwa had appeared at his lesson and had thrown off his whole plan.
Now Seonghwa sat next to him with a determined expression, like he had something to prove. It made Hongjoong nervous, but he tried his best not to show it. The tutor returned with materials for Seonghwa to use.
"We can do some review for you, Seonghwa," the tutor said.
"Please, don't trouble yourself. I don't want to disturb Hongjoong's lesson. We can start where you left off."
The tutor glanced at Hongjoong who just nodded. He still didn't understand Seonghwa's angle yet but he wasn't going to let that distract him.
"Okay. We were about to practice reading comprehension, but I'm sorry, Seonghwa, I only have one printout of this article."
"It's alright. I'm sure Hongjoong wouldn't mind sharing with me. Would you, Hongjoong?"
Hongjoong forced a smile. "It's no problem." He pushed the paper to the middle so that they could both see it.
"This is a timed exercise. See how far you can get in 5 minutes and I will ask some comprehension questions at the end." The tutor started the timer and both Hongjoong and Seonghwa began to read.
With the paper in the middle, Hongjoong had to lean towards Seonghwa to be able to see it. That put his shoulder directly next to Seonghwa’s since their chairs were so close together. They had both rested their hands on the table, but Hongjoong quickly pulled his back when he saw that they were almost touching. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the article, but he couldn’t get over the ever present knowledge that Seonghwa was right next to him. He stole a glance at Seonghwa. But Seonghwa’s eyes were trained on the text, seemingly completely focused on the reading. Maybe Hongjoong was wrong. Maybe he was being paranoid. Seonghwa might only be here to study.
Hongjoong reminded himself that he shouldn’t care why Seonghwa was here. He was supposed to be studying English, not thinking about Seonghwa. He read the title of the article again- ‘Sense of Danger’. Hmm , Hongjoong thought. As he read the first few sentences, it seemed to be about how different animals reacted to perceived threats in the wild.
However, he didn't get much further than that before his mind drifted and he found himself staring at Seonghwa's hand. It wasn't like Seonghwa had been doing anything with it. His hand was just resting on the table. It shouldn't be that interesting, but it still caught Hongjoong's attention. He had the fleeting thought that Seonghwa's hand almost looked delicate. No, that wasn't the right word. Elegant. Yes, elegant fit Seonghwa better. But then Hongjoong stopped himself again. Why was he staring at Seonghwa's hands when he should be reading?
He checked to see if Seonghwa had noticed his latest indiscretion. At first it seemed like Seonghwa was only focused on the reading like he was supposed to, but Hongjoong swears he saw Seonghwa's lips twitch with a self-satisfied smirk. Hongjoong frowned and picked up where he had left off in the text.
Luckily, Hongjoong was a fast reader to make up for the time he lost. But he hadn't quite finished the page yet when Seonghwa leaned closer towards him. Hongjoong tensed as he felt Seonghwa's breath on his neck.
"Can I turn the page?" Seonghwa whispered in Hongjoong's ear. His voice was so low and smooth that Hongjoong had to suppress a shiver at the effect. Hongjoong wasn't really ready but he nodded anyways. Something must have shown on his face because Seonghwa laughed lightly, still so close that Hongjoong felt the laugh more than he heard it. Hongjoong gulped.
Seonghwa pulled back and flipped the page. Hongjoong was frozen in place, eyes fixed straight ahead but not really focusing on anything. This was bad. Hongjoong was losing and they both knew it.
"One minute left," the tutor said without looking up from his phone. Okay , Hongjoong thought. Almost done . He could do this.
He started from the top of the page. He didn’t know exactly what was happening, but he knew enough to piece together the rest of the article.
“Finished.” The tutor stopped the timer. Hongjoong breathed a sigh of relief. That was one of the longest five minutes of his life. He checked the clock. The lesson was almost done. He only had to endure a little bit longer of this.
"Please answer the four comprehension questions and then we will check the answers."
Hongjoong finished answering the questions first and set down his pencil. Seonghwa took a little bit longer to finish. Hongjoong spent the time with his arms crossed across his chest and glaring broodingly at his paper. After Seonghwa finished, the tutor asked them to take turns reading the question and then the answer.
Hongjoong and Seonghwa both had no issues with the first two questions about the main point of the article.
"Hongjoong, the next one please," the tutor said.
Hongjoong read the question. "'According to the article, what is the response of an Ostrich to danger?' It's C- stick their head in the sand."
"No," Seonghwa said in English before the tutor had time to respond.
"What?" Hongjoong's head snapped over to look at Seonghwa.
"That's wrong. It's B."
Hongjoong read the answer for B- the ostrich uses his speed to run away. "No, I think it's C. They stick their heads in the sand."
"Look here," Seonghwa said, pointing to a paragraph in the article. Hongjoong noticed with a frown that it was at the end of the first page, a part that he had skipped. Hongjoong read it again. It explained that it was a common misconception about ostriches. In reality, ostriches can run up to 40 miles per hour so they use their speed to get away from danger.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was wrong," Hongjoong said to the tutor. He refused to apologize to Seonghwa right now. The tutor smiled and reassured him that it was just a simple mistake.
"I guess I've always just thought that ostriches stuck their head in the sand when they're scared," Hongjoong said.
"No, that's just what you do," Seonghwa muttered in Korean. He said it quietly enough that it was probably more for himself than anyone else, but Hongjoong heard it.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Seonghwa just looked at him, his eyes guarded but he didn't take it back. Hongjoong was about to ask again when the tutor politely interrupted them.
"Please remember to speak in English during the lesson."
Seonghwa and Hongjoong both apologized. Seonghwa struggled a bit with the last question. But Hongjoong didn't do anything to help. He kept his eyes focused on his paper for the rest of the lesson. He was too confused and angry. Partly at Seonghwa but mostly at himself. He didn't know why Seonghwa got under his skin so much. Other people didn't affect him this easily. But Seonghwa could muddle his mind and drive him crazy with the smallest things.
The tutor finally ended the lesson, giving Hongjoong his homework and thanking Seonghwa for joining them. Hongjoong nodded along mechanically, but he had a hard time concentrating on what the tutor was saying. His mind was buzzing. When the tutor left, Hongjoong began packing up his materials. He shoved them angrily into his backpack, not really caring if his movements were too forceful right now.
Seonghwa stretched in his chair. "Where are you going?" He asked casually, like nothing had happened before.
Hongjoong had enough. "What was that about?"
"The lesson?"
"No, not the lesson. You . What were you doing?"
"Studying?"
Hongjoong rolled his eyes. It was pointless. Why was Seonghwa still trying to deflect? "You know that's not what I mean. What do you want?"
Seonghwa didn't reply right away, looking like he was trying to decide what to say. Hongjoong didn't wait. He zipped close his backpack and stood up. He wasn't in the right mindset to have a productive conversation right now. He should leave.
Seonghwa scrambled after him and stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Wait, Hongjoong. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad."
Too late for that , Hongjoong thought. "What was this about then?" He demanded.
Seonghwa was unsure of himself for the first time since this started. "I, umm… I had a theory and I had to check something." He paused then added with more confidence, "But I was right. You do notice me."
"That was what this was about? You wanted to prove a point?" Hongjoong was still angry and he didn't bother hiding it anymore. His tone was harsh and biting. "That's great then. I'm glad you had fun."
Seonghwa's eyes widened. "No, not like that. I'm sorry... I went about this all wrong."
"You think? This can't be some kind of game, Seonghwa." Hongjoong's voice broke at the end. He cleared his throat and tried to keep a straight face. His emotions were a mess and he couldn't think to be able to sort them out.
"It's not. I promise." At Seonghwa earnest expression, some of Hongjoong's anger dissipated. He didn't want to fight with Seonghwa anymore, but he still didn't understand.
"What are you doing then?" Hongjoong pressed. He needed a better answer.
"I don't know." Seonghwa sighed. He ran his hand through his hair and shifted on his feet. He looked away and took a deep breath before meeting Hongjoong eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing. But I do know that I like you, really like you, Hongjoong. And I think you like me too, but you're too scared to admit it."
"Seonghwa..." Hongjoong pleaded. His heart had jumped up into his throat at Seonghwa's confession. He didn't know what to say. "But..." He started but couldn't finish.
"Shh," Seonghwa said. He took a step forward, closing the distance between them. Hongjoong stood his ground, letting Seonghwa come closer and gently grab his hand. Was Seonghwa right? Maybe he was. Maybe that was why his heart beat a little faster when Seonghwa was around, why he always looked for Seonghwa when he entered a room, why Seonghwa was the first person he thought of when there was good news or the person he wanted to talk to when there was bad news. Maybe that was why Seonghwa was on his mind more than anyone else, why it was so hard to concentrate when Seonghwa was close, why he was so anxious after Seonghwa had said those words to him that night, or why he was so lost after he had walked away.
He felt Seonghwa hold his fingers and run his thumb along his knuckles. Hongjoong’s heart beat faster and a warm, pleasant feeling seeped into his skin. “I don’t want to pressure you,” Seonghwa said. “If you really don’t have feelings for me or if I am making you uncomfortable, I’ll back off and we can just be friends. But I’ll do anything to show you that we could be more. I know I could make you happy.”
“But what about the team? And our careers?” Hongjoong asked, trying to pull his hand away.
Seonghwa held on tight. “Hongjoong, don’t think about all of that. You worry too much. This is just about you and me- about what would make us happy. For me, it’s you. It’s been you for a long time. And I can show you, if you’ll let me.”
As Hongjoong stared into Seonghwa’s eyes, he saw what Seonghwa meant- he saw the possibility of what they could have. It was so tempting, the chance to have all of the secret desires that he had pushed down and buried deep in his mind. But he was afraid. There was so much at stake. Could he risk everything? Everything that he had built and worked so hard for, the life that he had made for himself and the seven other people who depended on him. But was what he already had enough? Was it so bad to want just a little bit more? Just one more thing that might fill his life with joy and love. Seonghwa was offering more, but Hongjoong just didn’t know if he was ready to take it yet.
Seonghwa saw the turmoil written across Hongjoong’s face. He knew what he was asking of Hongjoong. Maybe it was selfish, but Seonghwa knew what he wanted. He just needed to convince Hongjoong that he was worth it. Seonghwa lifted Hongjoong’s hand to his lips and pressed a light kiss along his knuckles. "Just give me a chance, okay? Don't close yourself off," Seonghwa murmured softly, looking at Hongjoong with eyes brimming with affection, like Hongjoong was something precious.
Hongjoong nodded his head slightly, his mind too overwhelmed to do much else. It wasn’t a confession on his part, more like permission. Seonghwa understood. That was all he needed for now. Hongjoong was open to the possibility. Seonghwa smiled. “You’ll see. I will win you over. I’m going to make it impossible for you not to admit that you like me too.”
Seonghwa let go of Hongjoong’s hand and backed away. “Starting now,” he said as he held open the door and gestured for Hongjoong to walk through. Hongjoong laughed. He walked through the door and thanked Seonghwa with a smile.
“And let me carry your bag too,” Seonghwa said.
“No, it’s okay. I can carry it.”
“Hongjoong.” Seonghwa playfully said his name, putting the tiniest bit of aegyo to it. “I’m trying to woo you. Let me carry your bag, please.”
Hongjoong raised his eyebrows. “Woo me?”
“Yes. Bag, please.” Seonghwa held out his hand expectantly.
Hongjoong relented and handed over his backpack. “Was that what you were trying to do earlier? ‘Woo me’ by distracting me from studying?”
Seonghwa’s eyes shifted to the side and his face colored from embarrassment. “Well, that was actually Wooyoung’s plan that I probably shouldn’t have followed... But it got us to here so maybe it was worth something.”
Hongjoong stopped walking. “Seonghwa, it was a bad plan. If you ever want the chance to kiss me, don’t listen to Wooyoung again.”
Seonghwa’s eyes widened. “I can kiss you?” He asked eagerly.
“I didn’t say that,” Hongjoong sputtered and started walking quickly down the hallway.
“So that’s a no, then?” he called after Hongjoong.
“What happened with your grand plan to ‘woo me’? You have some work to do first.”
Seonghwa caught up to Hongjoong, a cheerful bounce in his step. “I know. And I have the best motivation: you.”
“Eww.” Hongjoong faked a gag. (But he couldn’t hide the blush on his cheeks). “That was so cheesy.”
“Get used to it. You’re not getting rid of me easily.”
“I know,” Hongjoong replied. He really hoped that was true. It wasn’t going to be easy: letting Seonghwa into his heart. It was going to be an uphill battle and he would probably get scared and run away a few more times. But he hoped that Seonghwa would stay and keep trying.
They reached the door at the end of the hallway, leading outside. It was already dark outside, nearing the end of another day. Seonghwa stopped in front of it. “Can I walk you home?”
Hongjoong giggled. “We’re going to the same place.”
“Yeah. But I want to know if it is okay with you if I walk you home,” Seonghwa asked with a shy smile.
“Yes, you can walk me home.” Hongjoong bit his lip as Seonghwa opened the door for him again.
They went out together into the night, walking side by side down the quiet street and enjoying each other’s company. Hongjoong felt a little bit of the dark cloud that had been filling his head shrink away. Maybe Seonghwa wasn’t part of the problem like he had thought. Maybe Seonghwa was the solution.