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A million thoughts were racing through Azula's head in this moment but her mind failed to get a grip on any of it. A flood of feelings were rushing over her and the waves within this howling hurricane of emotions and sensation refused to give her a grip on anyone of it. As harder as she tried to get control of it as more she started to drift. But deep within the eye of this whirlwind in her mind and heart there was a glowing core. A diamond formed out of her lessons in life. An anchor she has always used in such situations.
Azula has treasured this gem for so long and it has grown hard and strong throughout the years. She couldn't place a finger on it when this glowing stone has started to grow but she remembered the first time she has sought strength and consolation by holding a grip on it. It has been after Ursa has been scolding her for things father would have praised her. She remembered how Zuzu has tried to console her that mother would understand her one day. It was her answer which got carved in this gem this day. Her mantra which has helped to let false hope go instead of keep clinging at it only to find sharp razor blades hidden in it.
"As if that would happen!"
This mantra has helped her to grow up fast. To grow as strong and hard as this diamond inside of her formed out of her lessons in life. It has helped her to survive the false interests of the girls in school who just wanted to be around her because she was Ozai's daughter and Iroh's niece. Azula's mother has tried to convince her that she would find friends she could count on anytime. A lie which has almost broken her years later. She promised the girls would like her for the way she was.
"As if that would happen!"
The irony was that this mantra wasn't working for Zuzu. She has tried to show him how stupid it was to keep a grip at false hope. She has tried more than once. As mother left them at father's mercy. He has only yelled at her and called her ungrateful. He has screamed at her that Ursa loved her as well and that she'll come back to them.
"As if that would happen!"
It has helped her to survive the training. All have praised her talents but talent is worthless without training and no one has trained harder, has endured such pains and hits like she did. Father has only cared about results. Azula had to fight for his attention and approval every day. Lu Ten has assured her that Ozai would love her even without this fight for approval and without pushing herself so hard.
"As if that would happen!"
Zuko has ignored her warning about the Agni Kai. That he'd have to leave every emotion behind and would have to fight no matter which truth he'd have to face in the arena. Victory or pain. He has insisted that emotions would make him strong. He has said that he could handle everything. He has told her that emotions and care can make her getting better too.
"As if that would happen!"
It has helped Azula dealing with Zuko's betrayal as well. After she had risked everything to bring him back home in triumph. Mai and Ty Lee have insisted that she would regret to imprison him or even worse. They have been sure he would be grateful.
"As if that would happen!"
People have told Azula a lot of things in life. They have made so many promises.
"Your mother loves you."
"As if that would happen!"
"Your brother will always be there for you."
"As if that would happen!"
"Lu Ten will be back in no time, you'll see."
"As if that would happen!"
"You'll find real friends who care for you."
"As if that would happen!"
"You'll bring glory to the Nation and the Family."
"As if that would happen!"
"We'll always be friends."
"As if that would happen!"
"I'll be proud of you, Azula!"
"As if that would happen!"
"Some day you'll find someone special who'll love you the way you are."
"As if that would happen!"
"One day you'll find love and peace. You deserve it."
"As! If! That! Would! Happen!"
But right now she was feeling this swirling emotions as Sokka's lips were touching hers. Right now he was holding her so close, almost desperate like he was really afraid to lose her. Azula could feel his heart beating so fast in his chest while he was pulling her close to him. She could feel his hopes, his warmth, his fears and doubts if he was doing the right thing in this moment. It was all to be found in his racing beat of his heart she could feel beside or because her own seemed to have stopped beating in this moment. She could see it in his deep blue eyes as he dared to open them again after he pulled away a bit to check her golden orbs which were still widened in shock and confusion. She noticed how bad he was shaking in nervousness and still he tried to aid her stand as well cause she was trembling so badly. She felt hot and cold but this nervous question in his look so full of hope and fear at the same time took away any clear thought. It only left the mantra in her inner core. The only thing she could rely on. Azula placed her hands on his chest and she could feel his breath picking up speed. She started to push him away gently, almost hesitant so he cupped her hands with his own, pressing them closer to him. Azula bit her bottom lip and turned her head aside looking to the ground beside Sokka.
"It's a false hope. I can't… No one… will ever love me Sokka. As if that would ever happen."
She noticed tears rolling down her cheeks and the knot around her heart kept getting tighter. It would add another layer on this gem inside her heart. Every new layer on it made it easier to keep a grip on it. It was better this way.
Azula gasped as she felt Sokka's fingers at her chin. He lifted her head up and his warm smile made her knees getting soft. The warrior pulled her closer carefully until her head was resting against his chest. She was staring aimlessly in the garden while she noticed her sight going milky with tears.
"But it has already happen Azula. Guess why I visit you since a year. Guess why I celebrate every little step of healing you've made with you. Guess why I keep coming back even after every fight or hurting argument. You can be the most wonderful person in the world and the most horrible one and you can switch between with just a wink and I want to share every moment of these with you the great ones and the painful."
She felt his hand on the back of her head as she started to shake.
"You're amazing Azula. You're driving me crazy."
Azula couldn't swallow a hard sob but she managed to level her voice again after a moment. She looked at Sokka and she could see his worries, the fear she would say no.
"As if this would happen!"
She felt the bitterness climbing up her throat.
"There has been so many lies in my life, Sokka. So many broken promises."
She could see his face fell.
"No one comes back just for me. No one would ever dare to stay at my side. I…"
Her words got cut off by a little smile of Sokka.
"I could stay."
Azula's mind went blank. It was like the storm of emotions inside her and all the racing thoughts suddenly stopped in motion while her heart clung at the well know gem. She must have looked really stupid cause Sokka couldn't suppress an amused chuckle.
"The doctors said you've made a lot of progress and they're sure I'm part of the reason for it. I've already asked if I could kind of… moving in. Not as a patient still I have to say Katara has called me nuts for this idea."
His look turned to the warm and hopeful one again.
"But this isn't my decision alone. So what do you think Azula? Would you like me to move in. Would you like to find out what this road might offering us?"
Azula kept staring at Sokka with open mouth and with every second passing by his nervousness grew obviously higher. He was about to speak up again as Azula suddenly slammed her lips against his. Now Sokka's eyes jumped wide open in surprise but soon he melted into the deep kiss of the Princess pulling her as close as possible.
Azula's head was swimming in joy and excitement but there was still a little doubt and fear mixed in. She was fool to dare this step. She'd lose control here. She has dared to let go of this diamond which has helped her all these years. She was unsure if this was good idea or not. She was afraid that it would be a mistake. But she was tired of the hard and sharp edges which were piercing her heart every time she has chosen to hold her grip at this truth.
Sokka was warmth.
Sokka was understanding.
Sokka was patience.
Sokka was… a chance for healing.
Sokka was the prove that someone really loved her.
She has never hoped that this would happen.