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It was a painful sting to Azula every time it was happening. A wave of anger and deepest shame and it always ended with her rushing away to hide the bitter tears of defeat.
The pain and hurt in her brothers face.
Or in Ty Lee's.
Or Kiyi's.
It only doubled the shame and her desperation. It was only increasing the gap between the ones which tried to welcome her back. And the worst of all was the fact that they really tried. They were all patient. They dared to trust her. And every time the Princess felt happy because of this trust it was happening again. Every time they seem to hope Azula would let them in completely she pushed them away. But they didn't understand and Azula couldn't tell them the reason. It was too ridiculous in her opinion.
She hated hugs.
She feared them.
Tight arms around her locking her own and restraining her movements. It was like a lightning bolt running through her body. She stiffened and her breath became labored and pressed. She was always picky at accepting closeness but since her return it was so much worse. But it was ridiculous. Azula knew that they were happy for her. She knew that they wouldn't harm her. She knew that they wanted to spend joy or consolation but it only brought her discomfort and panic. And with every failed try to endure a hug her own anger and panic kept growing. She did her best not to avoid situations where she had to fear to get hugged but she already started to feel a new growing distance. And the least thing she was searching for was distance. She has been living in isolation for too long. She has finally learned to value the strength and warmth which could grow out of trust, friendship and care but Azula knew that this irrational fear was about to destroy any achievement of her.
She wasn't in the asylum anymore.
No one forced her into a straightjacket or tried to keep a firm hold at her to keep her in place. But the arms around her and the pressure… it let something snap in her every time. She was afraid that she would snap completely one day. Spirits forbid panic would take over. She could hurt someone.
This day has been terribly close. She has trained with Kiyi and her sister has managed quiet an impressive technique for her age and both have screamed out their joy for Kiyi's achievement and suddenly Azula has found herself in the tightest hug she has ever received from her sister. She has tried to wind herself out but the kid hadn't noticed it due to her joy and excitement and so she had pushed her away with a harsh move and has cursed and scolded her badly until she has noticed the raw shock and hurt in her sister's eyes who had no idea what suddenly has happened. Azula has fled from trainings place while hot tears have covered her face and now she was burring her head in her pillows to cry out her anger and sadness. A soft knock at the door let her sobs fell down a bit.
"Stay out!"
She tried to ignore the silence from outside. She wished they would come in but they'd only try to hug her again to console her. It would only make it worse. But the knocking returned.
"Azula. May I come in please?"
Sokka's voice was full of worries. The ambassador of the Southern Water Tribe had arrived last week to help preparing the wedding of Suki and Ty Lee. Another date which was filling Azula's heart with worries and panic. A day full of hugs. Azula stayed quiet and finally Sokka dared to enter her room very carefully.
"Leave me alone peasant."
It was a half-hearted try to shy him away and Sokka simply ignored her wish. He walked over to her and Azula already felt her tension growing but suddenly he stopped. He watched at her for some time and beside laying face down in bed Azula could observe him thinking pensively out of the corner of her eyes. Finally the ambassador took the chair from her make-up table and moved it beside her bed to take place on it. And so he waited patiently.
An hour went by.
And then another.
At some point Sokka called for the servants to bring food and drinks and when everything was delivered he took place at the table the servants have prepared for two and started to eat. The smell of fresh fried mango rice convinced Azula to leave her bed finally and so she joined Sokka at his meal. The man smiled warm at her and both finished their meal in silence. He took care that the dishes got removed and after he had organized some tea for them he finally leaned back in his chair and observed Azula from head to toe.
"I feel uncomfortable about heights. It's a strange tickle in my guts and I get stiff totally. I feel I cannot breath free anymore."
Azula's jaw dropped for a moment but she was able to compose herself quickly. She huffed in anger.
"You're a bad liar Sokka. You're travelling with the Avatar so often. You…"
He cut her off with a serious look.
"Yes I do and every time it takes a lot to keep myself composed. It got better during the years but I keep feeling uncomfortable."
A shadow rushed over his face and Azula raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"Toph and I. We… nearly died as we've fought against the airships. More than once at this day. I think the moment which has fully awoken this fear was as she was about to slip my grip while we've been surrounded. Since this day I… have to struggle with heights."
His sad eyes found Azula's golden ones. The Princess has sunken deeper in her chair and was chewing on her cheek.
"You're hiding this truth very well Sokka."
The man chuckled bitter.
"I do take it as a compliment. I could say I'm just a tough guy but I tend to say that it hasn't hit me as hard as it could have so I'm able to have some control of it. What I try to say is not all of our fears are rational. I know that I wouldn't flip over at the railing of an airship or that the ground will suddenly crumble and disappear and still everything inside of me remains to be alerted all the time and it's… scaring."
Azula felt her throat tightening. She was rubbing her hands and she felt Sokka's sad blue eyes observing her from the other side of the table. Suddenly the man stood up and circled the table to kneel beside her. Azula already felt the tension coming to her. She readied herself for these locking arms around her but to her surprise the man was only raising his arms like he would surrender.
"You're afraid of hugs."
Azula could feel the heat coming to her face as the shame rushed over her and obviously her reaction has been answer enough cause a mixture of sadness and relief was rushing over Sokka's face.
"Oh Azula. You just could have told us about that."
Azula felt tears coming to her eyes and she turned away with a sarcastic huff.
"Really. What kind of person would be afraid of a loving touch which should only spend love, joy and comfort?"
She felt a gentle hand being placed on her knee carefully. She dared to look in Sokka's blue eyes and she found a warm and comforting smile in his face.
"A person who had to endure dark years where such kind of hold has brought the opposite to her. Where a tight hold was used to keep her in place instead of bringing her freedom."
Silent tears started to run down her cheeks in wide streams. She could feel her guard crumble more and more but she felt the fear rising as well. She was so torn and due to the pain in Sokka's face he could see this dreadful fight in her. He had tears in his eyes as well and it took him all his strength to reduce the affection to console her to the supporting hand on her knee.
"You want a hug but at the same time you don't, am I right?"
It only brought more tears to her eyes and a little sob escaped her throat. She managed a shaky nod. Sokka had to force himself up and he walked over to Azula's bed and took place at the edge of it. His voice was teary and trembling badly as he tapped at the mattress beside him.
"Would you want to try to just lean on me Azula. I won't hug you. You'll have full control."
Azula hesitated for a moment but finally she got up on wobbly knees and walked over to Sokka to take place beside him. It was a hard fight to dare it but the man beside her kept word. He was gripping the sheets tight to fight the urge to close his arms around her as she laid her head on his shoulder.
A moment passed which seemed to be stretched to infinity after the first touch… and then her sobs finally broke free. She was weeping openly and she buried her head at his neck while she clawed herself at his shoulder. And so minutes passed by while both just letting go the tension which has threatened to break her.
His eyes were red cried like hers as she finally lifted her head. She could see how much strength it had cost him as well not to follow the urge to pull her in his arms. But his smile was so warm and so full of joy and pride.
"Better?"
He sounded as exhausted as she felt in this moment but a thankful smile found her way to her lips.
"Yes."
He dared to lean his head against hers and Azula noticed the warmth he was radiating. It felt so good.
"How did you figured it out?"
Her curiosity elicited a little chuckle from Sokka.
"There has been a system behind your reactions. I just have connected the dots between your behavior and your past experiences."
He sounded almost smug at his answer and Azula couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes. They kept sitting this way for a while until Azula stood up to stretch herself a bit. She faced Sokka's blue eyes with her golden ones.
"Thank you Sokka. Could you…?"
He nodded instantly.
"Explain it to the others? Of course. Don't worry. They'll understand it."
Azula looked worried for a second.
"Especially Kiyi. I've been really mean and scary to her today."
Sokka's smile grew even more.
"Don't worry. She'll understand it. She loves you."
The ambassador was about to leave as his hand got caught by Azula's. She was blushing again but she managed to speak up after a deep breath.
"Would you… train with me?"
Azula expected a teasing remark or a little joke but none of this happened. Sokka took her hand which was still holding his and brought it to his heart.
"Training hugs? Anytime. With pleasure."
Azula felt his heart beating fast and strong and she noticed her own making summersaults. She felt this nervous prickle crawling up and down her spine. It was still fear but there was something else something new. And this new emotion which was caused by his touch didn't feel unpleasant.