Chapter Text
That same dastardly tune again.
Neil can’t tell anymore if the music is just in his head or if it’s all around him. Insidiously creeping in from the walls of his house. Making its way through the floorboards, encompassing the entire house in its miserable descant.
It keeps getting louder as he approaches his father’s study. Neil grips the doorknob, feeling a tremor pass through his naked body. Click, the door opens. Neil enters with soft footsteps.
Everything looks the same as always. Nothing ever changes.
The thick books arranged according to volume on the brown shelves. The moon peeking through the patterned curtains, shining in a sickly-sweet manner, gazing back at the trembling boy looking at her with his sad brown eyes.
Neil walks towards his father’s mahogany desk. Rests his cold slender fingers on the familiar wooden furniture. Pushes the key into the top drawer. Carefully take out the cloth wrapped pistol. Unwraps it. Grabs the gun, his fingers clenching around the grip.
His mother’s face flashes in his mind’s eye.
Then, Mr. Keating with his gentle smile.
the music rises
higher.
Charlie’s stupid smirk. Knox’s eyes which often relayed haughty disdain.
the pitch of the wordless song kept rising. neil couldn’t breathe.
Meeks and Gerard with their precious self-made radio.
And, Todd.
the music instantaneously went back to being pleasant, washing away neil’s anxiety.
Todd with his rosy cheeks and shy smile. Todd with his soft voice, half of his words going unsaid because of his insecurity. Todd with his brown eyes bright when he cried out his poem in Mr. Keating’s class.
“I close my eyes and this image floats beside me
The sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brains
His hands reach out and choke me
And all the time he’s mumbling
Truth, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.
You push it, stretch it, it will never be enough
Kick it beat it, it will never cover any of us.
From the moment we enter crying, to the moment we leave dying,
it will just cover your face
as you wail and cry and scream.”
Neil had it memorized. Neil had everything about that boy, who he’d known for such a short while, memorized. His face was etched into his mind. His sweet voice like a melody in his head.
neil thought of the last word he said to his father - nothing. it was that exact moment that he accepted it. he was trapped. he lost hope. and he decided to give up on his life. he hoped todd wouldn’t be saddened by his death. wasn’t he doing him a favor anyway? neil wasn’t really alive anyway.
He touched the crown of twigs on his head and felt a sense of peace settle over him.
He pulled the trigger.
the music died with him.
Neil watched from behind a wall of mist as his father came into the study. He fell beside his son’s body – wailing, crying. His mother was shaking. She kept saying it’s alright. My baby’s okay. Neil’s alright.
the song rose again. steadily increasing in pitch and amplitude. neil felt a piercing pain in the center of his being.
No! No! I don’t want this! Make it go away! I don’t want to see!
The scene changed and suddenly he was looking at Todd. Todd collapsing in the snow. Todd sobbing ink black tears. The snow smoked and melted away where his tears dripped. Neil tried to reach for the other boy, but his black tears pooled around him, keeping Neil away. The dark pool of tears rapidly grew in size until it was a sea of black tears.
the murky waters embraced neil.
he was drowning in the black sea. he struggled to stay afloat but the thick, suffocating liquid kept trying to drag him under.
Neil awakened in a terrible sweat. He clutched the sheets and took a ragged breath in. the room was so dark. Just like his father’s study. Neil reached for the bottle of water kept near his bedside, but he wasn’t able to grab it, instead it tipped over and rolled under his bed
“It’s okay.” Todd was at his side in an instant. “Neil, I’m here. It’s fine. You’re okay.” Wrapping his arms around the trembling boy.
“Lie down.” he said firmly. Neil laid down.
Todd pulled his head onto his lap, running his fingers through his hair.
“The same nightmare?”
“Y-yeah.” Neil mumbled, snuggling into the other boy’s lap.
“I hate that I can’t do anything to help you.” Todd admitted, biting down on his lip.
“Don’t think that. You being here right now is enough for me.” Neil spoke softly. Todd’s fingers hesitated in Neil's hair. “Scoot over.”
Neil perked his head up, “Hm?”
“I said move, you bozo.”
Neil smiled a little and shifted towards the wall giving Todd space to lie down.
Todd lay down facing the other boy. They looked at each other in the quiet of the dark room. Neil closed his eyes first, eyelids gently fluttering shut.
Todd pursed his lips in thought. Then he leaned over and touched his lips to the mole on Neil’s cold cheek. Right next to his pink mouth. Neil’s eyes flew open.
He touched the spot Todd had kissed with his fingertips.
Neil opened his mouth to speak something, but Todd shushed him, “Don’t.”
Neil bit his lip but didn’t say anything. Todd laced his arm over Neil’s body and closed his eyes. “I know your eyes are still open.” He stated after a second. Neil smiled with the corner of his mouth.
He let his eyes drift shut, nestling closer to the other boy.