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I will always be with you.
That’s what Ben told Rey through the Force when his body faded into nothingness, leaving only his clothing behind. Always be with her…in their shared mind, in their shared soul, perhaps even in their bound emotions.
But he was not here. He was not where she could touch and hold him, trace his skin with her fingertips, feel his breath against her lips, sink her fingers into his thick, lustrous hair.
He made good on his promise to always be with her, but it wasn’t enough.
It would never be enough.
Rey took his clothes, stored most but always kept his tunic available—to wear if it was cold, to hang on her belt if it was too warm, to sleep with cradled in her arms at night.
He found that amusing, yet endearing.
By the will of the Force, death did not keep them apart. She had endless conversations with him in her head (learning he was a snarky little booger with an opinion about everything,) and sometimes when she was trying to concentrate, he’d purposely get on her nerves until she was screaming for him to stop.
To which she got her favorite response—his laugh.
But then came those nights she was lonely even with friends surrounding her. There he opened himself, showed his tender, vulnerable side. Whispers of his past, wild ideas for a future he’d never have, laments that he had been so blind and wasted so much of his life when he could have been spending it with her.
Murmurs of love in the night.
Whispers of longing, yearning, begging for a chance to do it all over again so he could be with her, falling on the deaf ears of fate.
And Rey would lie awake in the dusty blue moonlight or the faint yellow emergency lights of the ship, listening, responding, tears rolling into her hair while she imagined him beside her, smelling his scent that still lingered on the tunic, wanting to be held warm and safe in his arms.
He was always with her.
And still it was not enough.
In a moment of desperation, of pain built up from every day that passed since she lost him, she forced open their bond, wondering what would happen, if anything.
And there he was.
Clad in shrouds of black and grey but still with those pants and boots she had a copy of in her storage locker, he stood aghast, in shock. He saw her. And she saw him.
Could not, of course, determine his surroundings, but at least he didn’t have that ghostly blue cast to him like Luke had. He looked so real. Perhaps it was a benefit of their bond.
“Ben…”
He swallowed. “Rey…” His eyes glittered with such longing, mouth softly quivering, throat bobbing as he tried to swallow the tightness in it.
And she, there, with his tunic clutched in her fingers, as if it was the only thing allowing this to happen. She didn’t know how long she had with him. Was she in control of this new doorway to the World Between Worlds? Or was this specifically for them, because of their bond, their oneness in the Force?
Like on Ahch-To an eternity ago, she stretched out her hand. She had to see, had to know if this was just a fleeting thing or if she really could touch him, perhaps even pull him through if she tried hard enough.
Ben sighed as if she really shouldn’t be trying this. But then the ache must have overcome him too, for he slid off his dusty, rough gloves that bore none of the high class and sophistication of his old ones. His giant hand, pale in the cold moonlight, reached out toward her.
Step by tentative step they drew closer, until finally, just scant measures apart, they stopped.
Ben forced out a breath, his brow turning upwards in a pain she did not understand. “I shouldn’t be doing this.”
Rey let her tears fall onto his tunic, and she knew he saw by the flick of his eyes and the hurt and longing that followed. “Ben, I only ever wanted you. I am not okay. What we have…it’s better than nothing, better than being torn apart from each other forever, but I want more. I need more, and if the Force is letting us come this far, who are we to stop it?”
Ben sighed. “This isn’t what you think. I’m not where you think I am.”
Rey shook her head. “I don’t care. Just touch me. Let me remember what it was like to have you in this life.”
Ben closed his eyes, casting tears down his cheeks, and sucked in a shuddering breath. He stretched his arm out and, just like that moment that changed everything, touched his fingers to hers.
It felt so real. He had substance, warmth. She could feel the ridges of his fingerprints, the soft dampness from being held inside the glove. This was no Force-ghost. He was real, so…damn real.
Fingers, then hands, warm and shaking and adorably clammy from an anxiety she didn’t understand. What worried him so much about touching her like this? What could trouble this heaven, to cut across the enemy clamp of death and be together once more in such a real and living way?
Rey tossed his tunic over her shoulder and extended her other hand. So real, as if he was alive before her. Why didn’t she think of this sooner? All the time she wasted crying and yearning and throwing stuff at her friends in anger over a grief that had no balm when she could have been with him from that moment on, just like this.
“I can’t stay,” he said and sucked in a shuddering breath.
She knew he couldn’t. This was already asking so much. “Okay, but…Ben?”
“Yeah?”
“Please…kiss me before you go.”
He looked up at the sky as if hating what he was about to say. “I can’t.”
“Ben please…you don’t know the pain I’ve been in. You don’t know how it aches right into my very bones because I need you and you’re torn from me. Please, if we never have a moment like this again, I want to know I did everything I could with you in the time I was given.” She blinked and sucked in a sob. “Please!”
He finally sighed with resignation, knowing he could never resist her. Ben tugged at her hands to draw her close, and she fell against his hard body, so tall and thick and warm, still smelling just like him. It was as if he had never left her.
Ben cupped her face beneath her ear, eyes so soft and boyish, sweet full mouth slightly parted.
And then perfect bliss as he pulled her close and dipped down, enveloping her lips in his own. Even across worlds, across the divide of life and death, he still felt so real. The kiss was as magical as the first and last time, his powerful, protective arms wrapping her in a blanket of his love. She slid her fingers into his hair like she always wanted to, reveling in its cool, smooth silk.
If she never got another kiss from him, she was going to savor this one for eternity.
Kissing, exploring hands, merging breaths, it was almost too hard to hold on to the open bond. Eventually, they had to let go.
When they parted, she could only focus on his puffy, pink lips, the shaggy swirls of his hair over his forehead, those soft eyes grateful he got to do that one more time.
And poof, the bond closed once more.
#
Rey had been tempted, of course, to open it again, but life got busy with a mission calling for her, Rose, Poe, Finn, Chewbacca, C3PO, and BB8 to go searching planets for leads on a weapon that residuals of the First Order were searching for. But her conversations with Ben never ceased. If anything, they grew more frequent.
Ben was…giddy. And damn adorable.
Death or no death, she was going to try again once things quieted down. It was never enough to just have her soulmate talking her ear off all day. She wanted his presence. After that moment through the bond, she realized conversation alone would never suffice.
At least they could have those quick bond moments. She’d take that versus a lifetime of loneliness, for she could never have another.
The crowded marketplace on Pasaana kept Rey from dreaming about the last time she had been on this planet, watching a caped Kylo Ren come striding toward her after she decimated his ship, just as smug as always.
Maybe one day she’d tell him how incredible he looked that day.
I knew it.
Rey rolled her eyes. Shut up! I’m busy!
You waaaanted me…
Shoosh!
I’m going to wear a cape the next time we open the bond.
By the Force, stop! But she was giggling and brushed off concern from Finn. Don’t take this personally, but I need to shut you out to get some work done.
Spoilsport.
Boom, closed. She really had to concentrate. There were too many people to talk to, too many leads to follow, and way too much bustle and chaos. A short hour felt like an eternity, but at least Poe was making some headway and walked off with Chewbacca to talk to a Toydarian.
Places like this attracted all kinds of shifty folk, so it wasn’t unusual to see a hooded man whose mouth and nose were covered by a scarf. In fact, there were dozens of them.
But none walked like this.
None had a gait that shifted the world as he walked. None lifted the ends of his cloak in just that way with every step. None had the exact height and frame. None bore ebony locks of hair that swirled in the arid heat. And none had those eyes, those oh so familiar dark eyes that spoke volumes before a word was ever uttered.
Those eyes caught hers, and time stopped for a brief moment of stellar eternity. Brows furrowed as he strained against the desert sun, then they softened and widened just slightly.
Rey didn’t need the bond to know, but she let it open, anyway.
And watched the light spring into his midnight eyes.
She pressed her lips together to say his name, but before she could articulate that one B, he turned away with a sly wink followed by a sparkle in his eyes.
He wasn’t in the World Between Worlds.
He was in hers!
And with the interference of a large patron, she lost sight of him in the crowd. That fast. All these long months of endless agony, her first moment of bliss, an island in a stormy sea, and he was already gone.
To hell with the mission. She spent the rest of the time trying to find him, trying to force open the bond he kept shut this time.
Why? Why was he shutting her out? Why wasn’t he gathering her in his arms and holding her and loving her forever? Why was he running away?!
No sign, no matter how hard she searched.
Rey didn’t want to get on the Falcon. She didn’t want to leave with her friends. She didn’t want to depart from that desert planet until she knew for sure whether he was still there.
Don’t bother, sweetheart. I got what I was looking for, and I’m long gone.
He finally opened up the bond just to tell her that?!
Damn you! It was you! Why didn’t you stay? Why did you run off—after everything—damnit Ben!
I’ll tell you everything soon. PS, don’t bother looking for the weapon. I got it, and in less than an hour it’s going to be destroyed.
#
When Ben opened the bond with her, he still had that hooded cloak and scarf on. With one glance of her tear-stained face, his shoulders slunk. He pulled off the garb and cast it aside. “I owe you an explanation.”
“At least,” she whispered.
“I did die, if that’s what you’re wondering. Crossed over into the Force and everything. But my mother came to me and said she wasn’t willing to let that be my end, not if she could do something about it. And she did. She gave me a gift I promised never to squander—the last bit of her life force.
“My body was restored, but I was still trapped in the World Between Worlds and had no way of knowing how to get out. A group of Jedi appeared before me. I only knew some of them, like my grandfather, Anakin Skywalker, and of course my Uncle Luke. They said they had the power to allow me to cross back over, but they had terms and conditions for their gift. That’s why I’ve been apart from you.”
Ben sat on a crate, his huge legs bunching up awkwardly before him. “I would live in atonement, live for my mother’s ideals, use my powers to liberate and rescue, to stop the scourges across the galaxy. I would dedicate myself to allowing life to flourish where I had once only cause destruction and death.
“And because of who I was, what I looked like, and the potential problems that could arise, I would have to remain incognito.”
Rey sniffled. “Even from me? Your dyad in the Force? Your soulmate? The one who has had her heart torn into pieces since I thought I lost you?!”
Ben sighed and gave her the softest, saddest smile. “Yes. For now. The Jedi’s assistance and protection comes at a cost. As long as I follow the rules and don’t parade myself around, no one will recognize me. I am to remain a paladin in exile, unknown to all, and dedicate myself to pure selflessness until…” He sighed.
Rey swallowed. “Until?”
“The weight of the good I do significantly outweighs the harm I caused. Then, and only then, will I be free to live the life my mother gave me for a second time. That’s why I couldn’t stay with you in that bond state. Rey, I want you more than anything. I want to be with you. I want to hold you and kiss you and…hell, marry you and just live a life with you. I want it all, Rey.” He shook his head. “But I can’t right now. And the more I see you, the more painful it is to do what’s asked of me. Rey, if I screw this up, I’ll wind up in prison or executed, hunted down, you name it. When this is over, I want to be a free man, to live the life I was denied by Palpatine tormenting me my whole life. When this is over, I want a life with you.”
Rey wanted to scream, cry, laugh, and throw herself into his arms all at once. She squeezed the hem of her shirt in her anger, heartbreak, and elation combined. “Why didn’t you just tell me this from the beginning?”
Ben sighed. “It was easier not to be tempted by you if you thought I was gone. As it stands that one kiss just has me aching…burning for more, and I can’t. Not now.”
Rey licked her lips and nodded. “Okay. If…this is what it is, okay.” She sniffled and smiled at him through her tears. “All that matters is that you are alive, we’re connected, and we’re only a galaxy apart.”
Ben smiled. “Only a galaxy apart.”
She stood. “Then I will wait for the day you come back to me. Only you better make it soon.”
Ben stood as a shadow of longing swelled over his features. “I’m doing everything I can.”
A passing time of silence, then Rey ran into his arms and gripped him as if nothing could ever tear him from her arms. He held her in turn, heaving breaths into her shoulder as he tried to still his oncoming tears. Being with him like this, embraced as one, it was perfection. All aching fell away, all the pain and coldness, the raw, constant, jagged gash that always festered and itched when they were apart.
All that existed was softness, union, and pure love.
Rey let him go and sprung backwards. “Sorry. That was my selfishness. Let them know.”
He gave her a soft smile. “They already know of your selflessness and sacrifice in the battle against Palpatine. You’re entitled to a little for yourself now.”
“I could have never done it without you. I hope they know that.” She sighed with a smile. “I will always be with you. Until I can be with you.”
He gave her the most incredible smile that lit up his entire being. “I am always with you. Always.”
#
Rey didn’t know whether dedicating herself to saving the galaxy each and every day would buy any extra Jedi points on Ben’s behalf, but there was no harm in trying. She had the power, the strength, the determination, and an excellent crew of friends to help her along the way.
Maybe if she took care of all the evil in the galaxy, there’d be nothing else for Ben to do and he could come home sooner.
He thought she was ridiculous, but admitted it was cute.
The years grew long. Rey wondered how much Ben had to tip the scale, and it must have been a hefty price to pay. Nights were the worst, but at least she could talk to him, always talk to him. The Jedi had been firm with Ben, but at least they were kind to her in that regard.
Her friends tried to get her to date, but she wasn’t having it. She couldn’t tell them why she lacked interest, not now, not until the penance was over. She claimed she was simply dedicating herself to the Jedi way, and there was some truth in that.
But after five long years, the pining eventually had to give way to acceptance. Neither knew the length of his service, and she couldn’t keep straining her heart hungering for him.
That was the hardest of all, acceptance. To love him and know he loved her. To know that one day they could be together, but not now, with no timeframe as to when. Acceptance. Surrender to a force greater than all of them, a force over which none of them had control.
That acceptance finally freed her from her aching heart, giving her a sense of peace. She could enjoy a sunset without wistfulness. She could sleep in peace knowing he was somewhere doing the same. She could dream of a future and know it would have its time.
She could live and love him and be happy with what she had, even if it wasn’t ideal.
One night, as the Falcon lay docked on a temperate planet, Rey listened to the thunderous rains as they beat against the hull of the ship. Head against her pillow, Ben’s tunic clutched in her arms, she smiled as she enjoyed the lulling sound. She had taken to that, recently, just enjoying all life offered, whether it was a tasty morsel of food, a cool, quenching gulp of water, or a symphony of raindrops beating on the ship.
A pounding on the door of the ship startled her out of her near drift into sleep. Gun in hand, lightsaber on her hip, she approached the sealed door, wondering what the locals could want from them at that time of night. They had been friendly, but she wasn’t taking any chances.
She hit the button to open the door and aimed her weapon, readying the Force in case she had to launch some enemies.
Moments later, the gun fell from her limp hand.
Taking up the entire doorframe, back-lit by strikes of lightning, the hooded, scarfed figure just stood there in the rain. The interior lights of the Falcon illuminated his sweet, brown eyes that, like her, were finally relieved of their constant burdens.
Ben pulled the scarf from his face and dropped his hood, letting the rains pelt him. He smiled as if he no longer had a care in the galaxy.
“Rey, I’m home.”
Only a moment later did she feel the flood of their bond he had kept locked down from his side, with intent to surprise her. Without a second thought, she leapt into his arms and kissed him in the torrential downpour, loving it just as much as she loved him, loved everything in that moment.
He had finally come home. And in that moment, she realized he was the home she had been seeking her entire life.
Two as one, home at last.
Ready to live life to its fullest.