Chapter Text
If there’s a god
I don’t believe
someone as perfect as you would love me
/////
I see you when you hide
and when you lie, it’s no surprise
/////
Why don’t you know
that you’re the one with all the control
you’ve cut me now prepare
to watch me bleed
/////
The world was not always as kind as some were to it. Sometimes, those with the kindest hearts are given the darkest curses. It doesn’t matter if they had the brightest of souls, a brilliance known only to the children of the sun, the shining, good-natured people of pleasantry. The only matter was that they loved too hard, too fast, too much and flowers spilled from their lips, infecting their lungs and rotting away their life.
At least, that was what was preached to the common people. What they didn’t tell them was how... beautiful the entire disease was. Born from unrequited love, consisting of a variety of flowers of fitting meanings, from daisies and forget-me-nots to carnations and roses, or even ambrosia- your love is returned- to tell the story of the afflicted’s feelings through the language of only the most romantic and heartbreaking of flowers.
Felix didn’t know what to think when he first coughed up those flowers, some yellow, some a blue-purple, both with five to seven thin petals. In the moment, it was terrifying. He was in love and he had no idea who with. One of the first things he did, after emptying the contents of his stomach into his bathroom sink, was look up the flowers and their meanings. He had heard stories of people who threw up ambrosia or a similar flower, telling them to confess and that all would be well. He was stupid to hope.
The blue-purple flowers- agapanthus- were known as the flowers of love, and beauty. The yellow ones- hyacinth- symbolize jealousy. That was confusing to Felix at first. Until he figured out who his flowers were for, then it all made sense. Because of course he was jealous. Because hanahaki is so much worse when you have it for two people. And it does not help if those two people you are in love with just happen to be your best friends. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t help if they happen to already be in a relationship with each other.
But it’s okay, Felix didn’t mind dying if it meant he died in love. Being in love with your best friends was a feeling too good to be true, it led to many late nights lying in bed and just... feeling. Feeling loved, feeling appreciated, feeling known better than he knows himself. Being in love with his best friends gave him clarity, showing him that they really do care, that they love him (even if it’s not the same), no doubts. It also gives him fantasies from the depths of his mind, only coming out at night when he’s alone, that he just can’t seem to bring himself to hate, even if he wakes up sweating and coughing his lungs out, bed sheets covered in those small, yellow and blue flowers.
He hadn’t told anyone yet. They’d just tell him to get the surgery and that was the one thing he couldn’t bring himself to do. It would remove the flowers, the only things there to remind him that these feelings were real. Even if his two friends already had each other, he knew somewhere in his soul that things could work out between the three of them, but maybe it was the constant insistence of “unrequited” flowing through his mind that made him do nothing, only watching on the sidelines.
He still hadn’t even entertained the idea of telling them what was happening, how he was going to die because of them. Well, not because of them specifically, but because of all the little things that made him fall in love with them. The arms around his shoulder, comforting and heavy. The laughter shared after midnight when none of them could sleep, soft and in-the-moment. Every little smile sent his way and all the inside jokes. Everything that led him to love his best friends so much that it had him coughing up agapanthus and yellow hyacinth flowers. Love, beauty, and jealousy.
/////
Felix was naturally a happy person, it’s been joked that he never cried as a child, always smiling and laughing, making others happy with him. Lately, however, he’d been more inclined to faking how he felt. After all he could never tell his loved ones about what was actually going on with him. They’d push him to get the surgery, especially his friends, but what they wouldn’t get was that Felix was okay with dying. He was okay with it, as long as he died knowing he was in love, knowing he was able to get close enough to two people to love every part of them, no matter how dark or twisted.
It would be difficult for his friends when they found out why he died so young, why he couldn’t breath and why his lungs were filled with flowers. It would be especially difficult on Hyunjin and Jisung if they ever found out that the flowers were for them, that Felix was dying because he loved them too much for his own good. They’d feel guilty, especially Hyunjin, he was the one who asked Jisung out in front of their group of friends a couple of days before the flowers and their petals started pouring from Felix’s lips.
He hadn’t seen Hyunjin or Jisung in about a week. He couldn’t, not when just the thought of them holding hands (with or without him) caused fully bloomed, blood smeared flowers to spill off his tongue and rip him from his thoughts back to the reality that he was alone in his room, coughing up flowers for the boys that would never love him because they already had each other.
His friends checked up on him daily ever since he told them he thought he was coming down with something. Minho checked if he had eaten, Seungmin if he had drank enough water that day, and so on. He always answered everyone except Hyunjin or Jisung, his lungs couldn’t bear talking to them anymore, not when he could barely think of them without gagging on blood and petals.
He could feel the damage that was done to his body with even the smallest of things, with how hard it was to expand or contract his lungs to breath, how his throat ached and pulsed with pain when he swallowed. It hurt, but Felix was prepared to suffer until the disease fully overtook his lungs and suffocated him. He was prepared to die for love.
/////
Everyone was worried for Felix, he told them he was sick a week ago, after he had been coughing and vomiting for at least two. He still talked to most of them, but it was all short sentences and stilted conversation, and any time one of them asked about the sickness plaguing him all they got was an “I’m fine, it’ll pass” and that was the end of the conversation. Although they all knew it wouldn’t pass so easily, Minho especially knew.
He hadn’t told Felix but one day (a week or so after Hyunjin had asked Jisung out, when their schedules had finally allowed them to have a night to celebrate their new relationship over at Minho and Seungmin’s apartment), after he had ran to the bathroom to vomit after coughing for a solid three minutes, Minho followed him. He hadn’t followed too closely, he reached the bathroom just in time to be standing outside the door and hear heavy, wet retches from Felix. After a few minutes of just standing outside the bathroom, not knowing what to do, Minho heard the vomiting stop and soon soft sobs took its place. While he didn’t want Felix to suffer alone, he also didn’t know how to handle someone else’s tears or how to approach the conversation that maybe Felix knew more about this illness taking over him and how serious it was then what he previously told them.
In a moment of stupidity, Minho decided that if it was really serious Felix would tell them, and went to leave. However, when he got a few feet from the door, a feeling of apprehension took over him. He crept back to the door of the bathroom (still only slightly ajar, Felix hadn’t left yet) and peeked inside only to see Felix on his knees on the floor of the bathroom, tears were flowing steadily from his eyes and he was cradling a handful of flower petals in his hands. Minho was stuck there almost in a daze, staring at the flower petals in Felix’s hands. One of his best friends was coughing up flowers.
A quiet, almost silent sob left Felix, bringing Minho back from his daze just fast enough to barely hear his friend whisper, “Why them? Why not Chan, or Minho, why them. They already have each other… they don’t want me.”
Minho slowly backed away from the door after hearing that. He knew he shouldn’t have, but now he knew that Felix wasn’t just sick, he was dying. Even if Minho knew this, he never pressured Felix to talk about it, he never even bothered to tell him that he knew just how serious this illness was. And he wasn’t going to tell him to get the surgery, it was Felix’s choice, not his. Even if he wished his friend would just get it over with and stay alive, he knew he couldn’t bring himself to force Felix into something he didn’t want. If Felix was prepared to die, then Minho was prepared to grieve. And if he resented Hyunjin and Jisung for just a few moments, glaring at them until Seungmin sent him a worried glance and a jab to the side, nobody needed to know.
/////
It wasn’t as if Felix wanted to die, but there was really no other choice, he just couldn’t get rid of these feelings he had, not when they were the best thing to happen to him, second only to meeting his best friends. He knew that, so why did it feel so wrong? Why did it feel like this choice of his was a mistake, like he wasn’t intended to make it or like he was doing something wrong?
Felix spent hours questioning himself while staring up at his ceiling, not even registering Minho’s ring tone blaring insistently. Only after the fourth call did he notice, too wrapped up in his thoughts to even think that one of his friends could be wanting to talk to him. After he took notice of the voicemails left by Minho, he decided maybe it was important and he should call back.
“Felix, hey, I didn’t think you were awake?” Minho answered within the first two rings, sounding very surprised, a little too surprised for Felix to think he really didn’t expect him to call back.
“It’s 10 am Minho.”
“Ha, well you’re sick you know, you have to make sure you rest.”
“I keep telling you, I’m fine, it’ll pass,” Felix knew he was lying, but Minho didn’t and that was what mattered. (you can’t let them find out).
“Well I was wondering if you were up for hanging out today, just the two of us, my place?” Felix was suspicious, they barely hung out just the two of them, but he agreed anyways.
“Great! I’ll pick you up about… now? Yeah, now, because I’m already here, so get dressed will you?”
Minho hung up after saying that. Felix sighed and, as well as he could when he could barely breathe, got out of his pajamas and into a day outfit before leaving the apartment to see Minho in the parking lot and begrudgingly got into his car, he really wasn’t feeling like hanging out today but Minho had always been patient with him, especially after he got sick, and he was already there.
Minho smiled at him when he entered the car, it was a nice smile, Felix thought for a second that it shouldn’t be aimed at him. They drove in silence back to Minho and Seungmin’s apartment, Felix wasn’t as chatty lately and he was glad that Minho understood that.
/////
Minho spent three hours researching hanahaki after that day he saw Felix vomit flowers. He learned a lot, but all it did was make him bitter and resentful towards Hyunjin and Jisung. They were supposed to be the closest to Felix and yet they didn’t notice that something was so wrong with him that he was dying and it was their fault. Even if Minho knew he shouldn’t blame them, they had no idea that Felix was in love with them, they had no idea getting together or acting on their feelings for each other would kill Felix.
A part of Minho, the stronger part, kept saying that while they didn’t know, they should’ve at least noticed that Felix was really suffering and they were doing nothing. Sure, they tried reaching out to him, but that was easily ignored and just made everything worse. And so what if Minho was upset, his friend was dying and he could do nothing about it. But that didn’t matter right now, because right now it was deathly silent in his car and Felix was the quietest Minho had ever seen.
As if taking Minho’s thoughts as a cue, Felix leaned over to his friend’s side of the car and laid his head on Minho’s shoulder, “Thanks for getting me out of my apartment, I needed some air.”
Minho smiled, a just-for-himself smile and used one hand to ruffle Felix’s hair, “Of course, I know you needed it.”
Felix looked up at Minho from his spot on the other’s shoulder, “What do you mean?”
“I mean you’ve had it rough lately, being as sick as you are and stuff, you deserve a break from that stuffy apartment once in a while.”
Felix smiled up at him and Minho forced his eyes back to the road as they drove the rest of the way in more silence, but this silence was comfortable, easy, relaxed.
/////
When they arrived at Minho and Seungmin’s place, Felix felt a sort of familiar calm he hadn’t felt since keeping himself in his apartment. It was a nice change of pace, seeing Minho and getting out of his room. Ultimately however, he still felt horrible, with the gradual difficulty of breathing, the constant coughing fits, ignoring two of closest friends as to not die sooner. All Felix hoped was that he didn’t get into a coughing fit around Minho (don’t let them find out).
/////
Minho didn’t really like the silence, he liked noise, no matter how small it seemed, it mattered to him that there was something for his ears to train on other than the noise inside his head. That’s where Felix came in, always having something to say or a reply to what was said. Minho liked that about Felix, he always knew just what to say in the moment. And that’s what made this silence that stretched between them so tense and awkward, because this was the only time Minho could see that Felix had no idea what to say. Although, at least they were alone, and maybe Minho could get the courage to confess that he knew about Felix’s disease, that he knew his friend could die sooner rather than later.
As if Minho’s thoughts were yet again being broadcasted to other people, Seungmin chose that moment to come back into the apartment, dragging a reluctant Hyunjin and an apprehensive Jisung behind him.
“Hey Minho,” Seungmin, very energetically, addressed his roommate, “I know you said to give you and Felix some space for a while but I ran into these two and heard they haven’t seen him in a week!”
Minho was, admittedly, terrified of what seeing them could do to Felix’s condition. So, he blabbed some excuse that they needed to get somewhere that instant, grabbed the other’s hand, and pushed past Seungmin, Hyunjin, and Jisung to flee the apartment.
/////
Felix was confused. And sure, maybe he got confused easily, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have a right to be confused when Minho literally dragged him out of the apartment almost the second Seungmin and the others showed up.
“Hey…” He started, not sure how to approach this topic, “Did you and Seungmin fight?” Minho looked back at Felix and stopped pulling him away from the apartment complex for a second, poorly acting as if he had no idea what the other was talking about.
“You just seemed to want to get out of there pretty fast like… the second he showed up with the others,” Felix explained, feeling a little embarrassed, like he had overstepped the boundaries of their friendship or overanalyzed the situation.
“Oh,” Minho stared at the ground, avoiding Felix’s eyes, “Let’s talk over there.” He gestured to a small park across the street and silently they continued walking (and if Minho’s hand was still holding Felix’s and if Felix didn’t really mind because for some reason it made the tickle in the back of his throat leave for just a few moments, then no one needed to know)
/////
When they reached the park and sat down next to each other on one of the hot, metal benches, Minho didn’t know what to say. Well, he knew what he could say, he was just terrified of the outcome his words might bring.
I know you have hanahaki,
You’re dying and it terrifies me,
I know you love Hyunjin and Jisung,
And I know it’s slowly killing you,
Please don’t leave me,
I love you.
/////
Felix was conflicted. He wanted to tell Minho, patient, calm, always-there-for-him Minho. He wanted to tell him everything. From the first day he started feeling sick to when he found out he was dying to right then and there, on the park bench. But he also wanted to question Minho. About why he dragged Felix out of the apartment. How did he manage to be the rock for all of their friends, constant and supportive, ever-a-strong foundation and if he needed a rock himself. If he fought with Seungmin and what it was about. If he somehow knew Felix was dying and he knew to get him away from Hyunjin and Jisung. Felix wanted comfort and support, but he also wanted answers.
But out of all those questions and wants, he settled for asking, “Why did you drag me out of the apartment, Minho?”
Minho startled, jumping slightly and eyes widening in surprise, as if he was so lost in thought that it didn’t register with him that Felix was going to ask questions.
“I- because- Felix, I know… I know, Felix,” he finally settled for, leaving Felix breathless and utterly, utterly, in shock.
What did Minho mean? Did he know about the hanahaki, was Felix’s hunch correct? Did he know about all the late nights and early mornings spent hacking flowers out of his lungs? Did he know about all the pain and hurt Felix had endured because he simply loved too much? Did he know about the dozens of plastic bags filled to the brim with petals and flowers from his lungs and throat thrown away in the pitch darkness of night? What exactly did he know and to what extent?
"Wha- know what, Minho?” Felix played it off as though he had no idea what Minho was referring to, as if he didn’t know that Minho knew, that he knew Felix was dying.
“You know what I mean.”
Tears burned their way to Felix’s eyes, but didn’t spill. They welled up and collected, making his vision blurry and Minho’s face just a mess of the color and the park behind him a bustling abstract. He didn’t want to know what Minho meant, he wanted to be so oblivious. To the fact that flowers were tearing up his lungs and throat, that it was making it harder to breathe by the hour, that eventually he would die.
Minho pulled him into a hug, holding his head with one hand and playing with the small hairs on the back of it while wrapping his other hand around Felix’s midsection, murmuring apologies into his ear, not even caring that Felix wasn’t hugging him back. He just hugged Felix as he shook and let out small sniffles. Felix appreciated the effort, really, but it didn’t make him feel any better about anything. Because Minho still knew he was going to die. Hyunjin and Jisung were still killing him. He was still dying.
/////
So Hyunjin may have been a little pissed. Because apparently, Minho knew why Felix was avoiding him and Jisung and he was helping him avoid them. Why else would he have dragged Felix out of the apartment at first glance of them trailing after Seungmin? It was frustrating, being avoided for so long. Hyunjin could handle maybe a few hours or a couple days, but a little over a week? That was just too long, something had to be up and it was definitely serious. He just wanted Felix to talk to him or Jisung about it because obviously this whole avoidance had something to do with the both of them.
"Hey,” Jisung set a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder, comforting and heavy and familiar, “If it’s really serious, if it’s really about us, then he’ll tell us.” He looked to Seungmin, “Right?” he asked quietly, as if doubting his own words, like he needed the reassurance he was trying to give Hyunjin.
Seungmin nodded quickly, but all three of them knew he was lying. Clearly, Felix had something to hide from them, but apparently it didn’t matter if Minho knew and that broke Hyunjin’s heart because they were supposed to be best friends. What could possibly be so important that it had to be hidden and buried so deep in the chasm forming between them? Hyunjin didn’t know, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t figure it out.
/////
When Minho let go of Felix and pushed him back, hands on the other’s shoulders, he hated what he saw. Felix’s eyes, usually sparkling with light and energy, were dark and so, so tired. Of what Minho wasn’t sure, the disease, lack of sleep, running, all of the above. There were bags under his eyes, heavy and ever present on his pale skin. And Minho didn’t see it before, but his hair was ruffled in all the wrong ways, his eyelids droopy, and he was much more fidgety than normal, playing with the sleeve’s edge of his often worn hoodie he threw on before leaving. It made Minho upset, to see one of his best friends in such a state.
“Felix...”
“What, Minho? What?” Felix snapped, bristling as though he was a child about to get lectured, “Are you gonna tell me I look like I’m on the verge of dying? Well, I am! Is that what you want me to say?”
“No, Felix,” Minho tried to calm him down, as other people around the park (parents, most of them, he assumed) were starting to pay attention to them the more Felix yelled.
“Stop it! Stop trying to comfort me! I know I’m dying, but I’m okay with it. I’m going to die and that’s fine. So stop trying to act like it’s your normal heartbreak!”
“Felix, listen!” he shouted, causing a few other people around them to jump at how loud it was, but it got Felix’s attention and that was all that mattered, “I know that you’re fully aware of your situation and the consequences of doing what you’re doing. But that doesn’t mean you can cause a scene and give these strangers insight into your private life.”
Felix looked as though he was going to yell back at Minho again, but then the words sunk in and he looked around at all the people trying not to stare at them. He looked back to Minho.
They glared at each other for a few moments, before a small, “Felix?” made them both jump and turn towards Hyunjin, standing there behind them, shaking. His eyes gleamed like a mirror in the sunlight with unshed tears as he slowly walked towards them.
“You’re dying?” He asked, voice cracking a little, when he came towards the bench, “What’s- what’s wrong? A-are you sick? Or what?” Hyunjin continued, but Minho wasn’t listening, he glanced to Felix, watching and waiting for him to run, but the other male wasn’t moving.
/////
Shock and anxiety and pure fear rushed through Felix when he caught sight of Hyunjin. This wasn’t supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to know. It was bad enough that Minho had to confront him and that they argued, but now Hyunjin knew? And not just that he was sick, but that he was dying. God, and he’s asking about it, straight to Felix’s face and Felix can’t say no to him, he can’t lie.
“-nd were you just going to go silently and not even tell me? Or Jisung? Not even Seungmin or Chan or anyone? Were you just going to die and we’d have to find out from Minho or your parents? What the hell Felix?”
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled in response, unable to even get his thoughts in order to say anything else, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorr-”
“Hey, hey,” Hyunjin interjects, coming closer and placing a hand on Felix’s forearm, trying to be comforting, but all he accomplished was creating a feeling of suffocation, “it’s okay, just… w-why did you tell Minho and not the rest of us?”
“I found out,” Minho says, startling Hyunjin as though he forgot Minho was there, “He didn’t tell me.”
Hyunjin didn’t reply, he just looked back at Felix, who now had tears openly falling down his face, and began to gently run his hand up and down Felix’s arm in an attempt to calm him. Felix let out a small sob and Minho immediately glared at anyone watching. Quickly standing and setting a hand on Felix’s other arm, he guided Felix, and a following Hyunjin, back to the apartment complex where they were met with a pacing Seungmin and an overly quiet Jisung.
“Hyunjin!” Seungmin exclaimed, clearly worried, “You can’t just run off and not say anything like that!”
Minho watched as Hyunjin tried to reply, most likely to apologize, but got choked up. Seungmin and Jisung both turned towards Felix, Minho was mainly ignored because of the fact that Felix was snivelling terribly and Hyunjin couldn’t say a word without almost crying himself.
The other two cautiously walked over to the three, but before they reached them, Hyunjin let out a cry, “Felix is- he’s dying!” Minho felt anger shoot through him like a lightning bolt, what gave Hyunjin the right to tell the other two about Felix, when he didn’t even know he was part of the cause?
Grabbing a fistful of Hyunjin’s shirt, Minho pushed him into the nearest wall and away from Felix, he didn’t deserve to be that close to Felix, “What the hell Hyunjin? You had no right to say that, that should’ve been Felix’s decision whether to tell them or not! He didn’t even want to tell you!”
“Minho, stop!” Seungmin shouted, but the words fell onto deaf ears.
Jisung tried to pull Minho back and away from Hyunjin, but he wouldn’t budge, he simply let the anger take over and block out all his other senses, all he felt was rage, all he saw was red, all he heard was the blood pumping in his ears, and all he tasted was bitter words. The others’ words had no effect on him, Jisung couldn’t move him, and Hyunjin just kept getting shoved harder and harder into the wall behind him. Minho was seething. How dare Hyunjin give away Felix’s biggest secret like it was nothing, how dare he tell the other two about Felix’s predicament like it was his own and like he was the one who was most affected?
“Minho?” a small whisper from Felix and suddenly all the anger in Minho subdued and quieted, replaced by the thought of how Felix must’ve felt at that moment. Almost immediately after his name left the other’s mouth, Minho dropped Hyunjin’s shirt and swiftly turned away, stalking towards the corner of the room where none of the others stood. Seungmin and Jisung were shocked into silence, but Felix paid little attention to them, only focusing on Hyunjin.
“Are you okay?” He asked as he walked towards the other. Hyunjin shook his head, still close to crying any time he looked at or thought about Felix.
“Felix…” Jisung spoke up, “are you really…?”
Felix nodded, tears now quieter, but steady. Jisung looked to Seungmin, a question in his eyes. Seungmin gestured towards Felix and Hyunjin and quietly left the room, neither Felix and Hyunjin, nor Minho noticed. It seemed like Minho was forgotten about as Jisung walked up to Felix, looking to Hyunjin with yet another silent question. Hyunjin looked to Felix, then back to Jisung, and nodded quickly.
“If you really are… dying,” Jisung said slowly, taking Felix’s hand in his own, “then there’s something we would like to share with you.” Hyunjin followed suit and put his hands around Jisung and Felix’s.
Minho felt like he was intruding on a private moment. He also felt like he was going to be sick. Of course. Of course, Jisung and Hyunjin would love Felix back, who wouldn’t love Felix? But was it so wrong of Minho to think that there might have possibly been something between himself and Felix too? Was he imagining things or was he always going to be second best. The best friend when Hyunjin and Jisung aren’t around, the love interest when neither are thought to love him back, the driver when they both are on a date or busy, no matter what Minho was always the second choice.
He turned around and sped down the hallway towards the bathroom, feeling the overwhelming sensation of being about to throw up. As he neared the first door on the right, he began to gag and dry heave. The door to the bathroom was slammed open, but he was sure that none of the others paid attention to it. Minho ran inside and placed both hands on either side of the sink, just wanting for this to be over. His throat burned and his chest hurt and there was something in his throat, suspiciously dry and not moving no matter how many times he coughed and gagged.
Eventually, after a few minutes of just hacking out his lungs, Minho took one hand away from the sink’s edge and instead shoved it into his mouth, prodding into his throat just so he get whatever was in there out and in the open without all the needless pain of dry heaving until it budged. He felt something soft, and semi-dry semi-coated in saliva. It felt velvety.
Oh.
Oh no.
Minho hurriedly began to try and reach deeper into his throat to get the pet- the thing out, but he kept gagging and not being able to reach far enough. There were tears in his eyes, from fear or the gagging, or jealousy he wasn’t sure. What he was mostly sure of, however, was that Felix wouldn’t be dying now and that should’ve made him happy, but here he was crying and coughing on a love that would never be returned because why choose Minho over Hyunjin and Jisung. Why choose someone better suited to a second choice, a lucky guess, then the right answer. Why choose someone who loved too much, too fast. Why choose someone so stupid as to love someone he knew he had no chance with. Why would someone ever choose Minho? Especially when Felix, he who loves all, wouldn’t even choose him first. Why would someone ever, make a choice so idiotic as to love Minho, stupid, stupid Minho.
Finally, as if just to prove Minho didn’t deserve Felix, or anyone’s, love, a large, striped white and red flower petal discharged from Minho's throat and down into the sink in front of him. There was blood smeared across the petal in multiple places. It stared at Minho menacingly from where it sat in the pristine, white bowl. Minho decided that he’d never hated flowers more, except maybe when the same thing had happened to Felix.
Minho was happy though, he had to be, his best friend just got with the two people he loved, but there was still a bitter resentment towards Jisung and Hyunjin, for being able to have what he couldn’t, for being able to show their love openly now, for having Felix, for being his first choice.
So as Minho glared at the petal, he knew what he had to do. He would stay quiet and power through this disease until it killed him. He had to, for Felix. Minho really would do anything, anything at all, for Felix, even die if it meant he got to be happy, because no one cared if Minho had his objections and opinions, but they all cared about Felix and so did Minho. Minho loved him so much (too much), and he would die so that Felix would remain happy. Sure, he’d mourn and grieve, but he’ll have Hyunjin and Jisung to help him through it and he’ll be happy and that’s all that really mattered.
Minho then looked at the petal again and he recognized it easily. A striped carnation, wish I could be with you.
/////
No they won’t know I’m missin’
‘till they pull me out the mystic
/////
And I ain’t tryna be lonely, solely
but everything I touch turns to stone
maybe I’m better off on my own