Work Text:
It is a long Friday night.
Soobin lies down in bed immediately after arriving from his apartment. He is so tired that he feels his body weakening. Working in a hospital as a doctor is hard, especially that there are a lot of patients that keep on coming. But needless to say, Soobin is happy. It was his dream job, after all. He studied the field of medicine for so long and now being a licensed doctor made everything worth it. All the sacrifices that he did had ended up in a wonderful outcome.
He stares at the ceiling and thinks about his life right now. How the nurses greet him, Good morning, Doctor Soobin, or how his co-doctors ask him if he has eaten lunch yet - and if he says no, they ask him to eat with them. It looks like it is just an ordinary life that a person has, but honestly, there's something more on Soobin's life. Something that is bugging him even after all the years that have passed.
"Soobin-hyung," He remembers Kai calling him today at work while he's on a break.
"Yes, Kai?"
"Have you heard?"
"About what?"
"About..." There is a bit of hesitation coming from Kai's voice. "Your ex's wedding... Yeonjun-hyung's wedding."
Oh.
"Ah, I haven't. I've been really busy with work," Soobin says in his normal tone, hiding the fact that he is surprised by the news. "Why?"
"Nothing," Kai answers, but Soobin knows there is more than that.
"Kai, what is it?"
"Why... haven't you talked to him? He's getting married tomorrow already," Kai asks Soobin.
Up until now, Soobin hasn't answered Kai's question yet. He didn't know the answer, or maybe he did know, but he is scared to face it.
It's been three years since Soobin talked to his ex. No matter how hard Soobin tries to forget about him, there is still a part of him that remembers. All the memories he had shared with Yeonjun. The hugs from behind, the stolen kisses that he was annoyed at first but eventually liked it, the way they looked into the eyes of each other like they were having a full conversation that no one would understand or the thought about them being together. All of it is a lovely memory, but memories will only stay as memories. Nothing more, nothing less.
Soobin knows this is all on him. Or maybe it's not. Soobin thinks it is his fault, or maybe he is just blaming himself too much.
He opens his phone and scrolls through his gallery with pictures from three years ago. He looks at his photos with his friends and eventually stops when he sees photos of him with Yeonjun being happy. He still hasn't deleted any of them, and he doesn't have the guts to. Soobin wants to keep those photos forever since he hadn't kept the person that was with him anyway. Erasing those pictures mean like erasing that person from his life.
Soobin lets out a sigh and closes his phone, putting it on his bedside table, and tries to go to sleep.
It is currently 11:32 pm and Soobin gets annoyed when he hears his phone ringing. Hell, he had only been sleeping for an hour yet someone is already bothering his sleep. He still feels sleepy but he tries to get his phone, still ringing, and answers the phone without looking at the caller.
"Hello?" Soobin says with a tone like how people who just woke up have.
Soobin can only hear glasses clinking, a waiter asking a customer if they still want a drink, and a voice that is oddly familiar to him.
"Hello? Who is this?"
Soobin can feel the hesitation from the person who called him. He's hearing deep sighs, a gulp after drinking something, deep sighs again and a gulp once more. It's like the person who called him, disturbing his sleep, was only wasting his time. Soobin feels like this is some kind of bullshit. Who the hell is he even listening to?
Soobin didn't have time for this.
"Look, if you're going to-"
[Soobinnie.]
He knows that voice. It can't be.
[It's me.]
[I know this is sudden but... can we meet?]
It's Yeonjun. His ex.
Soobin doesn't know how the fuck did he end up drinking in a bar with his ex, Yeonjun, who is getting married tomorrow, nor why did he even agree to meet him in the first place.
It is already late for Soobin. He knows he really needs to have a lot of rest for him to not get sick and have a lot of energy while checking up his patients and doing tasks on the hospital that he's working at. He didn't have time to go outside, do some shopping, visit the ice cream shop as he used to when he was a student, or even drinking alcohol. Yet here we are.
The moment Soobin enters the bar that Yeonjun tells him, it was kind of... scary. He never had a chance to meet Yeonjun for the past three years. He didn't have any communication with him. Sure, they did have some mutual friends but they still didn't have a chance to even say hello. Maybe because fate doesn't want to, or maybe because they didn't do anything in the first place to make them meet each other.
Or maybe it's the fact that Soobin did something three years ago, and he still feels guilty about it.
When he sees Yeonjun for the first time after three years, he feels butterflies in his stomach. Yeonjun is kind of different now, though. He has pink hair instead of his usual blue hair that Soobin likes to play with the most. He even looks like he's grown taller, almost reaching Soobin's height. Yeonjun... just looks more attractive than ever.
Soobin gathers every ounce of his confidence and finally approaches Yeonjun. Soobin sits beside him, and Yeonjun gives him a smile. Yeonjun gets the drink that he ordered, pours it into the other glass that is on the table, and gives it to Soobin. Soobin accepts it, of course. He thinks he needs it for the night.
The alcohol tastes bitter. But it feels like water, like a normal drink that people can take every day. It's funny how Soobin thinks his relationship with Yeonjun is the most bitter one, defeating Cappelletti Elisir Novasalus Vino Amaro - the most bitter alcoholic drink that he and Yeonjun tried before.
"Why did you ask me to meet you... and how did you know my number?" Soobin finally breaks the silence between them after ten minutes. It is awkward that they are just drinking, pouring alcohol whenever the glass becomes empty, and don't even speak at all. They're together yet they can only feel their own presence.
"Shouldn't you be asking how am I first?" Yeonjun lets out a chuckle. And Soobin knows its a fake one. "I asked Kai about your number. Don't get mad at him, though. He was doing me a favor because he owes me one." Ah, that explains it.
"How about the reason why you invited me here?" Soobin asks.
Yeonjun didn't answer at first, eyes only focusing on the glass he's holding with a little amount of alcohol that's left for him to drink. Yeonjun is having some deep thoughts and Soobin can tell. He knows Yeonjun a lot. Sometimes he even thinks he knows Yeonjun better than himself. Better than anyone else.
Soobin is curious. He has a lot of questions for Yeonjun. Most of them are about his wedding that is going to happen tomorrow. Yeonjun should be celebrating, do something productive, or anything that a person will do before the wedding. But why the fuck is his ex drinking at a bar with him? He's not even invited to the wedding. They didn't even have any closure or any contact at all. Plus, shouldn't Yeonjun be with his soon-to-be-husband?
"I have questions, Soobinnie," Yeonjun finally speaks and is now looking at Soobin with pain in his eyes.
Maybe Soobin isn't the only one who has a lot of questions.
"Yeonjun-ah," Soobin says. "You're getting married tomorrow."
"I know."
"Then why are you meeting me here? You can ask me after the wedding, or even before you marry someone else. Why now?"
"Maybe it's because I didn't have the strength to ask you about it."
"Ask me about what?"
"A lot of things. About you, about us."
"Yeonjun..."
"Soobin," Yeonjun brings his face closer to Soobin. "Why did you leave me?"
Fuck.
Soobin feels his heart beat faster than before. That question is always something that he wants to escape from. The reason why after all these years, he still hasn't talked to his ex.
"For years, I've been asking myself if there was something wrong with me. You left me without a proper goodbye, Soobin. You were like a ghost that suddenly disappears, not knowing if you'll come back or not. I was like a dog who was waiting for his owner to come back - no matter how long it takes. Soobin, the days without you were so miserable. I made you my world. You were my comfort. You were my home. My only home."
"Is it still important?" Soobin, you dumbass.
"Yes, it is!" Yeonjun answers, putting his drink aside and grabbing Soobin's hand to put on his chest, making Soobin feels his heartbeat. "Do you know how much my heart misses you so bad? Can you feel my heart breaking into pieces, Doctor? Or do you need a stethoscope to let you realize what you did to my heart?"
Soobin can feel the pain in Yeonjun's voice and it's all his fault.
"Soobin-hyung, Yeonjun-hyung keeps on asking me about you," Kai says.
"Let him be," Soobin tells the younger, and goes back to focusing on his studies.
"Soobin-hyung," Kai calls Soobin once again. "Don't you think this is too much? At least give him some explanation. He'll understand."
But Soobin didn't answer. He tries to go back to reading, ignoring Kai's words.
"Yeonjun-ah," Soobin holds Yeonjun's hand that is on his chest. "Some things are better left unsaid."
"Oh, for crying out loud! This thing isn't included in that fucking thought of yours!" Yeonjun removes his ex-lover's hand from his chest out of frustration.
Yeonjun is angry. He had a lot of drinks already even before Soobin arrived. But aside from being mad at Soobin for giving him answers that he didn't want to hear, he's hurt. Deeply hurt by the fact that his ex-lover doesn't seem to care at all. Doesn't care how bad he was hurt in the past by him, and even now that he's only asking for an answer, an honest one, Soobin is still hurting him.
"I just need to know where did it all go wrong," Yeonjun starts crying and Soobin curses himself for making it happen. "We were really happy, Soobinnie."
We really were. Soobin thinks.
"I'm sorry."
"I don't need your apology. I need answers, please," Yeonjun begs as if he is so close to kneeling if only he didn't drink too much and has a lot of strength for it.
It hasn't been an hour since they met but a lot of things have been going on already. The things alcohol does to people.
"Why, Soobin?"
"..."
"Do you know why I'm asking this?" Yeonjun asks Soobin.
"No..." Soobin whispers.
"I just, I want to let you go," Yeonjun pauses for a minute. "I don't want to be married and still have these questions about why my ex leave me without telling me anything about it. I want to be better for Beomgyu, Soobinnie. If you don't give me any answers, I'm going to live in fear that someday, he might leave me too like how you did. I don't want to be left alone, Soobin. I don't want this to happen again."
Yeonjun had a lot of things to say. Maybe it is the alcohol that is talking, or maybe it is his feelings flooding in his mouth, letting it all out. Not even stopping for a bit. It even feels like a volcano that was quiet at first but suddenly becomes active - a build-up of pressure in the earth being released, forcing the molten rock to explode into the air, causing an eruption.
It's really fucked up how people leave so suddenly and live with their normal lives after, pretending like they didn't leave someone in the dark. Pretending that they didn't break someone's heart. How can someone ghost people, not having a conscience at all?
The fear of being left alone is so scary to the part where you think everybody's going to leave you like how this one person that gives a lot of impact on you did. Trust issues begin to rise, higher than how the sun rises in the morning, and the thought about love becomes scarier than all the horror movies and paranormal activities that exist.
Soobin's been really silent. He can't even drink nor look at Yeonjun. He feels... lost. Preoccupied.
"Say something," Yeonjun's voice suddenly becomes soft. "Please. I'll try to be understanding for you, Binnie."
He'll understand, Kai's voice suddenly echoed from Soobin's mind.
"I..."
Should I say it? Soobin thinks.
It has been three years.
You know what, fuck it.
"I wanted to give up everything for my dream. Including you," Soobin finally speaks. "I feel like if I don't strive harder, I will never become a doctor. I feel like... I need to focus on this thing. This only thing that I've been wanting for so long. Hah, the young Soobin thought the things around me were a distraction. The things that would stop me from achieving my goal. I was so wrong and naive."
"You thought I was a distraction."
"I did."
"Soobin... what the fuck?"
Yeonjun is frustrated. He needs time to process it all. Even though he did tell Soobin about him being understanding, he had the right to blow a fuse.
"I was always supportive of your dream! I even give you space whenever you want to. I always respect your privacy and your time. I become a good boyfriend that you deserve, Soobin-ah. Yet you still did this to me."
"I was wrong..."
"My roommate Taehyun even had to calm me down every night in our dormitory. I always ask him things that I know you're the only one who can answer. Soobin, was I inadequate in giving to you your needs?"
"It's not your fault."
"You wouldn't leave me if it wasn't my fault."
"I was selfish, Yeonjunnie. Don't blame yourself."
Yeonjun sighs.
"Did it at least, make you happy?"
"At some point, but most of the time no."
"You're so different from the Soobin I know," Disappointment can be heard in his voice. Yeonjun can't believe it. It is like he is facing a stranger, someone he did not know back then. "The Soobin I love isn't like that."
"Maybe people do change," Soobin tells Yeonjun.
"People either change for the better or the worse. Which one of it do you belong to?"
"I don't know," Soobin lets out a deep sigh. "I'm really sorry."
"I really don't understand people sometimes," Yeonjun drinks again before continuing. "How come the only thing they can do is to apologize after doing something wrong? The damage has been done. What else can you apologize for?"
The table becomes silent again.
"Were you satisfied?" Yeonjun asks once more.
"Never."
"Then maybe you changed for the worse," Yeonjun suddenly stares at him and gives him a question anew. "Why did you do it if you weren't satisfied then?"
Soobin tries to not feel weird or uncomfortable about how Yeonjun is looking at him directly in the eye. But no matter how hard he tries, Yeonjun can make him feel speechless.
"..."
"As expected, another no answer from you," Yeonjun sounds so disappointed as he speaks. He thinks facing the person who can give him answers from all the questions from his head can help but, there is nothing. "A lot of whys but there aren't any because."
"Do you..." Soobin feels the urge to ask. He almost senses his voice is so weak, so low like he didn't want Yeonjun to hear it at all. "Regret everything?"
"I don't."
"Why?"
"I still became happy when I was with you. Except for you know, the ghosting part," Yeonjun chuckles. "We still loved each other even after everything, Soobin."
"I guess you're right."
Yeonjun and Soobin are always like this. Especially when they're on a drink. One moment they're so close to fighting like a cat and dog and then the next thing they know, they just laugh at each other realizing how immature they are.
"We were always like this, huh? Sometimes we fight over silly things and then we become okay after."
"Yeonjun..."
"I'm sorry for having a fit earlier."
"You have the right to."
"Don't worry, I understand. I already moved on. Plus, I'm getting married later woohoo!"
Yeonjun and Soobin talk after about their own lives, without bringing up the issue a while ago. The conversation feels nice, safe, and comforting. They look like exes who had the closure they needed. Finally.
"Hey, I think you should go home," Soobin says.
Yeonjun looks at the time, 1:30 am.
"Maybe I will," Yeonjun stands up, trying to not fall after drinking too much alcohol. "I'll get going."
"Are you going to be okay?" Soobin asks.
"Yeah, I think so," Yeonjun answers. "I'll get going."
But before Yeonjun can leave the bar, he remembers something.
"Hey, Soobin?"
Soobin looks at him.
"Hm?"
"Come to my wedding later?"
Soobin laughs.
"My brother will kill me if he sees me at his own wedding. Have fun, though."