Chapter Text
Jin Ling was staring back at his Uncle's expression of barely contained anger and profound irritation.
“Uncle, I- Please let me explain myself!”
“Jin Ling”, Jiang Cheng snapped with a tone as harsh as a lash from Zidian . “You explained yourself already and I don't care for it.”
His relationship with Uncle Jiang Cheng had never been especially pleasant, or even easy, but today had been particularly explosive. It was already dark outside, and they were arguing together in private, after a long, long day of never-ending debates. And not without reason: several life-changing decisions had to be made sooner rather than later.
So much had happened in an incredibly short amount of time. Three days earlier, the entire cultivation world gathered together at Lotus Pier, after a battle against corpses in the Burial Mounds that had left most of them powerless. At that occasion, scandalous revelations about Jin Ling's family were made, causing a massive outrage. Jin Ling didn't know what to think anymore.
The very next day, not only did Jin Ling almost die several times, but the man who used to be his favorite uncle (gentle, empathetic, understanding) held him hostage, threatened to kill him, sweet talked his way into everyone's head... And then confessed, revealed how Jin Ling's parents really died, what he did to everyone. He cried, he screamed, he pleaded before getting his arm cut and his stomach stabbed, before the teenager's eyes. At last, he died with the scrambling of Yunping's temple.
The images were so fresh—but he couldn't allow himself to think about it, not now.
“But Uncle, you-”
“Jin Ling!”
He was now shouting.
He followed his Uncle back to Lotus Pier for the night, after many words were said and many more were left unsaid. The both of them then traveled to Koi Tower to solve the issue of the Jin leadership. The teenager had been through the travel, and then the endless formal greetings, with a cloudy mind and an unfocused gaze, clinging to his sword. Then, to his confusion, he was met with general disapproval when he expressed wanting to take over the clan, as seemed natural to him. He thought it was what his uncle expected of him, what everyone expected of him—and he felt obligated to take over, as his father's son. But it quickly became clear that nobody thought of him as competent enough.
“You're not ready”, declared Jiang Cheng sharply for what must be the tenth time that day. “Every cultivator from the Jin clan agrees with me. As long as you're not an adult, Jin Ling, you can't be the one making this decision. A council of Jin Elders can handle the regency for the time being. I don't want to hear another word! You're not ready.”
“Uncle! You prepared me for this my whole life! If I'm not ready then it's your own fault!”
“You..!”
Jiang Cheng moved an inch towards him, shoulders squared, jaw tense. It was enough for Jin Ling to flinch noticeably. He started to feel panic and outrage, desperation and anger, an ensemble of feelings he was used to when it came to his uncle—and a strong need to defend himself.
“You opposed it in front of everyone! You didn't even tell me in advance that you were going to oppose! I look like a fool now! The Elders will think I'm too much of a child to take over-”
“Well, aren't you?” Jiang Cheng asked sardonically.
Jin Ling was infuriated now. He was talking back a lot more than he usually does, and a dangerous lump was forming in his throat, burning tears threatening to invade his eyes. He wanted to say: “Stop treating me like a child, please show some respect for me for once. I only want you to listen to my arguments. All I ask of you is some respect and consideration”.
“I'm a grown up!”, he exclaimed instead, to his own horror. Still, he went on. “I know how to fight! I- I know how to rule! I know how to make everyone respect me!”
Jiang Cheng snickered.
“Stop making fun of me! I-”
“Don't you give me orders! Do you want a beating? When have you last practiced with your sword? When have you last meditated? And your resolution to train daily? How is that going?”
It was so unfair Jin Ling wanted to laugh at his face, but tears started flowing. “Well, in case you haven't noticed, Uncle , it was a rough couple of days for the both of us. When have you last meditated yourself?” is what he would later think was the right thing to say to win this argument. Instead, what got out was:
“You..! I..! I can't believe- I'm- Argh!”
“Look at you”, Jiang Cheng scolded, more and more visibly enraged. “You can't talk to me without crying, you can't even argue without screaming like a child! What kind of leader is that!”
Not a child, not a child, Jin Ling was repeating to himself, his face distorting as he started to sob. He felt utterly humiliated, and if he wasn't yelling before, he definitely was when he responded this time.
“Well WHOSE fault is that! And aren't you screaming too?! I hate you!”
Those last words were out before Jin Ling could think them through, and he could clearly see his uncle's face display a different kind of anger—though he wasn't holding himself together enough to care.
“Well! You may hate me. But I'm still your uncle. And you're still a child.”
Not a child...
“And I still know what's good for you”, he continued, in a tone that seemed cruel to the boy. “I know you're not ready. Not strong enough yet in many ways.”
Jin Ling was hugging himself, clinging to his sword, exploding with built up rage, humiliation and a visceral need to defend his honor, eager to hurt his uncle right back. He knew what he was going to say was going way too far, he knew he was about to mess up badly, that he was maybe going to provoke his uncle beyond repair.
But he wasn't holding himself together enough to care.
“W-well”, he sobbed, “At least my strength is my own, no-nobody gave up their golden core to help me .”
It was like Jiang Cheng was hit by a thunderbolt. A flash of purple flickered on his clenched fist.
“A-at least I didn't- I didn't ruin anybody's life enough to-”
“Get out”, said Jiang Cheng.
As Jin Ling hesitated for a short time, his Uncle yelled at the top of his lungs.
“GET OUT!!”
Jin Ling ran.
Children learn there are different kinds of tears when they see the adults in their lives cry for the first time.
As a young child, Jin Ling was particularly difficult. Even though he was constantly reassured and soothed by many nurses and servants in Lanling Jin colors dedicated to taking care of him, he would throw tantrums over everything and anything. He didn't yet have the words to articulate it, but he did have a vague sense that the people who raised him weren't moving quite in the same world as himself. They worked for his family while he was the heir, which gave him early a sense of entitlement that would never entirely leave him.
He wasn't indulged as much when he was staying at Lotus Pier.
During Jin Ling's early childhood, his uncle Jiang wasn't as strict and angry with him as he would later become, but he was still perpetually, mercilessly unimpressed with his nephew's crying fits. He wasn't really the kind of person to soothe, reassure, whisper gentle words, or even smile. Jin Ling didn't always know what to do with himself when he was staying with him in Yunmeng.
He was five years old when he saw him cry for the first time.
He couldn't sleep, because he was feeling upset. Uncle Jiang had agreed to teach him how to swim in the lotus lake, and he hadn't kept his word, too busy with whatever tasks adults do. He wanted to disobey his uncle's order to go to sleep, in order to express properly how upset he was—and maybe sniffle a little for good measure. But when he found him, in the Jiang Ancestors Hall, he immediately knew that something was wrong.
His uncle was kneeling before his ancestors in a trembling, defeated posture, one hand covering his eyes, the other gripping his own robes. He was crying, he realized. Sobbing even, in pitiful strangled sounds that were never supposed to come from this man.
It was an unsettling sight, one that shifted Jin Ling's whole world. His uncle, so strong, so tall, so powerful, shouldn't even be able to cry. He just shouldn't be.
He knew then, that his uncle Jiang's pain was beyond anything he'd ever known, without quite wrapping his mind around it.
He knew that his uncle Jiang's tears were a serious matter, that it couldn't be about something so insignificant as not being able to swim in the lake. There was something unspeakable about it. Jin Ling didn't move, aware that offering soothing words to his uncle would be so small, so inadequate, he might probably be severely yelled at.
He quietly learned in that moment, that there are different kinds of tears; the same way he would later learn to read his uncle's different kinds of anger, his aunt Su's different kinds of smiles, or his uncle Jin's different kinds of gentle tones—sometimes loving, sometimes threatening.
He silently walked back to his room, and it took him a long time to fall asleep.
The next day, he had a lot of fun being taught how to swim in the lotus lake.
Jin Ling ran to his room, trying to wipe his tears, but more kept coming out. He felt an unbearable shame for crying that much, but he couldn't stop, even as Fairy tentatively tried to comfort him by cuddling up to him. He gave him a weak smile and a soft stroke, but very quickly started getting organized. Frantically, he gathered his sword Suihua – his father's sword, a lotus shaped pendant he knew was from his mother, a few talismans he thought could be of use, a full money pouch, a dark coat that would cover the golden Jin tones of his robes. When he was done collecting his things, his emotions were still all over the place, but doing something about it had already calmed him down greatly. He took off most of the ornaments he wore in his hair, put them carelessly into a wooden box, and messily wiped the vermilion painted dot on his forehead.
“Come on, Fairy, come on...”
The young man and his dog rushed down the stairs, and sneaked towards the part of the palace he wasn't supposed to go to a lot: kitchens. With resolution, he searched the place for food to bring with him. When he decided it was enough, determined yet not unafraid, he took Fairy into the servants aisle, and shakily tied his dog to a piece of furniture, next to what he knows is the room of a nice kitchen lady who always took good care of him.
“You have to stay, Fairy”, He whispered. “There's– There's someone I need to see. But I can't bring you to see him, because he'd run in the other direction. Do you understand?”
As strange as it could be, he did seem to understand.
Jin Ling quietly rushed into the night.