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The darkness faded slowly from Nene's vision, leaving her woozy and cold. Her brush was in front of her, hair snagged on her shoulders and shirt. Socked feet stopped abruptly in the doorway before they disappeared.
Perhaps it had been her imagination. She'd not really been alert the last few days; allowing herself to be led here and there while the hole in her heart consumed her.
She snapped her eyes shut, trying to banish the image of the woman in the hospital bed. She wasn't coming back, no matter how much Nene wanted her to; she was gone.
There were whispers in the air when she opened her eyes, a heaviness in her chest that made each breath rattle against her ribs. Why was her brush on the floor? Why was she on the floor?
"Nene-nee?"
Nene tore her eyes away from her hairbrush and looked up. Tsukasa was framed in the doorway, eyes big and round as they swept over her. Her legs ached, and her back. Her head hurt too.
How long had she been on the floor?
She'd come in here a bit after the twins had left for work, she thought. Maybe that wasn't right; perhaps it had been later. She remembered the door closing, and she'd put away the mugs and dishes, and stepped into the living room when her eyes were drawn to the corner...
Oh.
Then she'd come in here to shower. But she couldn't brush her hair; it was too tangled. And she hadn't been able to find the scissors to cut the knots free, so she'd sat down. Just for a minute, then she'd try and keep going.
"Nene-nee? Did you hear me?"
Tsukasa was crouched in the doorway, eyes round and soft as he curled his hands over his knees. Was that a new stain at the collar of his sweater? She didn't remember that one having a stain. She'd have to take care of that.
Nene watched as he reached out and picked up her hairbrush before he shuffled forward. He should be at work, teaching his first graders how to count and working on the glitter bombs he was going to have them throw off the roof. Why was he here?
"Can I brush your hair? Is that okay?"
It was too tangled, she'd already tried. Probably should have brushed it this week. It was greasy too, so was her skin. She hated this; why did she let it get like this? Had she showered recently?
She watched as Tsukasa scooted across the floor so he was beside her, and took a handful of her hair. The brush was on his knee, and she stared as he pulled at the snarls with his bitten nails.
She'd told him to stop that. It's why she painted them for him; he was less likely to chew on them when they were done in her bright expensive polishes. But they were clean and pink, not even a clear coat over them.
"Do you want me to wash your hair, Nene-nee? It'll be easier to get the knots out."
Her arms were so heavy, her chest ached. There were strands of her hair tangled in his fingers like he'd brushed his hands through a spiderweb.
Tsukasa tugged the bathmat she was on until her back was up against the side of the tub, and carefully swept her hair over the side.
"Do you want to get in the bath? I can run one for you."
She shook her head, curling her hands over her cheeks and pressing her nails into her skin. His hands covered hers immediately and pulled them away, and she watched through blurred eyes as he pressed them to his own face.
"No bath is okay! I'm here, Nene-nee. Don't worry; I'll get all the tangles out and it won't hurt a bit. I promise."
His forehead pressed to hers as tears scorched her throat. But she couldn't cry. They just stuck there, choking her as they had for the last week. Tsukasa pulled away slowly tipping her head back as he kneeled at her side.
She watched as he moved around, scooping up a plastic cup and pulling the shampoo and conditioner from the tower. The rush of water from the tap startled her, and she shut her eyes as Tsukasa’s hand swept over the crown of her head.
"Oh, here."
He tucked a towel behind her neck, and she leaned into his touch as the weight of the water in her hair pulled her head back.
"I have to remind Ama-nii to get more conditioner. I spilled it yesterday. There were bubbles everywhere."
His fingers scrunched at her hair, smoothing the conditioner over the strands as he tugged them loose from one another. Not once did he pull too hard.
"Ama-nii had to do this when I got gum in my hair. I tried everything to get it out but it didn't work. Sometimes," his voice cracked, and she turned to find his eyes, hazy gold with tears trembling on his lashes, "you just need someone to help you."
The ache in her chest came back tenfold as he rinsed the conditioner out and carded his hands through her hair. She sniffled as soap trickled over her temple before he wiped it away with his wrist, fingers rubbing gentle circles into her scalp.
"Keep your eyes closed, Nene-nee. I'm washing the bubbles out."
What she wouldn’t give to sink into the darkness and not have to worry anymore. To let the quiet shadows swallow her and take her from the pain. If she was gone, then this grief couldn't destroy her from the inside out. But…
But she'd miss Tsukasa's silly songs as he washed her hair and did the dishes. She'd miss Amane's silly smile when she kissed him and he mismatched her socks on purpose. She'd miss the dinners they had with Tsuchi and Sakura. The game nights that always ended with someone being threatened.
She'd miss being in love and alive.
There were hands on her head and around her cheeks, four palms cradling her as she keened high. Why couldn't she cry? Why couldn't she make them fall? What was wrong with her?
"Nene."
Amane was over her, nose brushing hers so all she could see was amber and those unfairly long lashes.
"Tsu, can you finish heating up the soup for dinner? I'm gonna help Nene get a shower. And grab me a change of clothes."
Tsukasa's fingers trailed down her head and arm until the last moment, and he seemed to vanish the second he was out of the door.
"He did really good with your hair, Nene. I'll have him braid it as soon as he comes back."
Amane scooped her hair into a towel and closed the curtain as he flipped the lever for the shower. Tsukasa came back with clothing bundled in his arms, dropping everything on the sink before he kneeled back at her side.
His eyes were red-rimmed as if he'd been crying, but he didn't give her a chance to ask before he pressed a kiss to her forehead and turned her so he could twist her hair into a braid.
Then he was gone, closing the door softly behind him as Amane lifted her from the floor to sit on the edge of the sink. She whimpered as pins and needles assaulted her legs, and he ran his fingers over her skin, pressing gently when he could feel the muscles tense.
"Do you think you can stand?"
Nene shook her head, keeping her eyes trained on the loose button of his shirt. She needed to fix that too. She could do that at least. She could keep them neat and tidy even though she was a mess. He stripped quickly, everything landing in their hamper before he tugged her shirt over her head.
His fingers lingered over the crescent marks on the inside of her elbows where she'd dug in to try and anchor her mind in the storm of her grief, and she tried curled in on herself. But he unfolded her gently, pressing a kiss to her temple before the last of her clothes ended up with his.
He sat them on the floor of the tub, blocking most of the spray from hitting her as he reached for the sponge and soap.
"You know, I think we should go to the beach this weekend."
She twisted to look back at him for his sudden comment, but he kept his eyes on her arm, on the bubbles that rose from the tiny circles he made on her skin. He was methodical, sweeping up one side then down the other.
"Tsu's been talking about it, and I think it might be clear enough that I can bring the telescope."
Amane curled his legs around her and tipped her forward gently, and she wrapped her hands over his arm around her waist to keep herself upright as his hand scrubbed over her back.
"We can stop at the little restaurant you like and bully Tsu into paying for dinner since he lost the last game of chutes and ladders."
His hands brushed over her front, down her legs and up again. Once she was nothing but bubbles he leaned back and let the spray hit her skin. It was hot, hotter than he liked it, and burned comfortingly.
He rose from around her, washing quickly before he shut off the water and carefully scooped her up. Amane bundled her into a towel, patting her dry and huffing out a laugh as he went through the clothes his brother had retrieved.
"He's a moron, but you have to love him."
She let a wobbly smile pull her lips as he tugged the black tee-shirt over her head, pulling her braid free as she touched the design on the front. It was a swirl of stars, flowers, and shells, faded from nearly ten years worth of tumbles through the laundry; the exact copy of the one Amane had just put on.
"He still won't go through your top dresser after the beat down you gave him senior year, so you're stuck with these."
'These' happened to be a pair of Amane's boxers with curse words stamped over them, and she almost giggled as he slid them up her legs. Once he was dressed he bundled her into his arms, kissing her forehead and cheeks before he headed into the kitchen.
Tsukasa was at the stove, in his matching tee-shirt, eyes locked on the pan full of clear soup. Nene's stomach clenched at the thought of food and turned her face to bury it in Amane's neck.
"I know. But can you try a few spoonfuls? Maybe lie to the kid the next time you see him and tell him mine is better. And if you get sick, it's okay."
She might be able to manage a spoonful. She watched as Tsukasa ladled soup into two of the oversized mugs, setting one before her and Amane and she froze.
It was her mug, the one with the glittery mermaid and iridescent scales. The one she only used when she was sick because it was a familiar comfort. Because her mom had bought it because she had always called Nene her little mermaid.
And she wouldn't be able to ever again.
It was like a chasm opened up in her chest, maybe one of the black holes that Amane always talked about. There was roaring in her ears as everything narrowed to the soft waves of the mermaid’s hair and her serene smile.
Amane's arms tightened around her, dragging her back as Tsukasa peeped up at her from where he was on the floor, arms around both of them. He looked so sad as he set his chin on her thigh, so sorry.
Nene reached out and brushed her hand over his hair before she touched the mug. It was warm beneath her fingers, like Amane at her back, and Tsukasa against her side.
It was warm, like the way they had held her when she got the phone call. When they had held her hands as her aunt consoled her father. When they had crushed her between them as she was handed the little urn.
It was warm like the way her mother had smiled one last time before she closed her eyes and kissed Nene goodbye.
She swallowed around the lump of tears in her throat, fingers knocking the spoon off the table which Tsukasa's quick reflexes caught before it hit the floor.
"Just a spoonful. Then bed."
Tsukasa held the mug while Amane fed her, and she managed five whole sips before she had to turn away. Amane's hand curled around her shoulder, thumb drawing circles over the fabric.
She heard the clink of spoons on porcelain, listened to the steady beat of the heart echoing in Amane's chest, the off-key humming from Tsukasa who was still on the floor.
There was the taste of miso on her tongue, the warm scent of her body wash on Amane's skin, the softness Tsukasa's hair against her leg. And even though she had her eyes closed, she could see all of it.
The way Amane's damp hair was sticking up from where he ran his fingers through it. The way Tsukasa wrinkled his nose as the spoon hit the bottom of the cup. The way they had not let her out of their sight until today. She heard the cups drop into the sink before it got quieter.
"Tsu's gonna take a shower. You wanna get in bed?"
Nene shook her head, burrowing in closer. She knew the minute she laid down she was going to break apart, and she needed both of them to be there.
Droplets hit her face and she blinked up into Tsukasa's wide grin as Amane reached around her to ruffle the towel over his twin’s hair.
"Grab a couple of water bottles. And your blanket."
She watched him bound off as she was swept up and to the bedroom. The ache was back, the tears in her throat and the heat behind her eyes. Her breath was coming in hiccups as Amane leaned against the wall and settled her against him. A second later Tsukasa climbed onto the bed and wrapped his quilt around them all and she broke.
She screamed into Amane's chest as the sobs tore through her. A week and ten months’ worth of anguish and sorrow tearing from her soul in a heartbeat.
It wasn't fair. Her mom was supposed to help her pick out her wedding dress, tell her it was alright to be nervous before she walked down the aisle into Amane's arms.
Her mom was supposed to hold a tiny baby in her arms and tease them about which of them her grandchild looked like more.
Her mom was supposed to conspire with Tsukasa about her thirtieth birthday because it was the one she was dreading the most.
Her mom was supposed to be here with her. She was supposed to be bright, and happy, and alive. She wasn't supposed to be dead. She wasn't supposed to have taken all the brightness of Nene's life with her.
It could have been seconds, minutes, or hours before her sobs and screams gave way to quiet hiccups. Before she became aware of soft voices and softer hands as the darkness drew back.
And like dawn creeping over the horizon, like the fringes of warm sunlight painting the sky, the twins were there. Like guiding stars, they had led her through each of the months of uncertainty and fear. They hadn't coddled her or lied that things would be better.
They had just reminded her that no matter the outcome, they would be by her side.
It was the same thing she had promised them all those years ago when Tsuchigomori had pulled her aside and asked her to keep an eye on both of them. And not a week later he'd stormed past her in a fury with the twins in his wake, wide-eyed and bruised.
She'd only learned much later the nightmare they had grown up in, but she had never faltered when Tsukasa fell into a temper or Amane was silent for days. She just held their hands, folded those wide palms in her tiny ones, and reminded them that she was here if they needed anything.
Tsukasa was curled around her back, pressing her against Amane's chest as one hand drew circles over her shoulder. His face was tucked against her neck, and Amane's arm was wrapped around them both, his cheek against hers on the opposite side.
And they were both crying too. Because her mom had loved them both as her own kids. Nene had come home with them trailing behind her like stray kittens and her mother had never let them leave. Had set them at the kitchen table and dropped a second and third helping on their plates until they'd had to lay on Nene’s bed with happy tummy aches while they did homework.
Tsuchigomori had told them once that grief divided would be easier to bear, and he wasn't wrong. Because while she couldn’t be strong for herself, she could be strong for Amane and Tsukasa.
And they were the same with her.
How many times had she mopped up Tsukasa's bloody mouth because someone had said something mean about her or Amane? How many times had she wound bandages around Amane's hands when he stood up for her and Tsukasa?
How many times had she narrowly missed being suspended for threatening to bury her fellow students in the practice garden if they laid a hand on the Yugi twins again?
This grief would lessen with time; it would never disappear but it could be managed. It could be quieted by Tsukasa's bright laughter, and hidden with Amane's sly smile.
She let herself tip sideways, dragging them down with her as she twisted to land on her back. And she laughed for the first time in days as they fought, pinching each other as hands jabbed and knees collided in a heap.
Nene knew it would be a long time before she was okay. The next year would find her quiet and teary, and the year after would make her silent and sorrowful long before the date even arrived.
But she could live. Her mom would want her too, would want her to laugh and smile and turn her face into the sun and grin even in her grief.
"Nene-nee is the strongest."
She blinked at Tsukasa before he pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek and dropped his head to the curve of her shoulder.
"Nene is the kindest."
Her mouth met Amane's in a brief kiss before he nuzzled into the side of her head, pressing another kiss to her damp hair.
"Your mom still loves you Nene," both of their arms tightened around her as she trembled through another round of tears, "just like we love you. And maybe she's gone now, but we'll still remember her with you. So she'll still be here with us."
"Yeah, Nene-nee. We love you so much. And it's okay if you're sad about this because it's a big hurt. But don't forget we want to help you. You don't have to say anything, just remember."
Nene nodded, letting the tears roll down her cheeks as they talked over her. It was still so dark in her mind, the cruel knowledge that it could quiet forever she wanted it to be.
But she hadn't forgotten her stars.
Because who would help Tsukasa with his puzzles if she was gone? Who would fall asleep with Amane when he watched movies if she was gone? Who would calm them down when they had nightmares if she was gone?
If she was gone, she'd never get to see the meteor shower that Amane was so excited for next month. If she was gone, she'd never get to see the new puzzle box that Tsukasa had ordered weeks ago.
If she was gone, she would miss them.
Her mother had asked her to live, knowing that her death would crumple her strong-willed daughter. But she had reminded Nene that even in winter, when everything seemed bleak and hopeless, that things still survived.
They survived and came back stronger in the springtime. And maybe Nene would need the twins to be her trellis and support for a while, but she’d be able to stand on her own again. She'd be as bright and beautiful as the day she was born, a tiny sun contained in a ruby eyed baby that made the people who loved her turn to her like sunflowers seeking the light.
Tsukasa sneezed against her shoulder, which set off a chain reaction as she jumped and elbowed Amane in the chest, and he kicked out; she didn't have a chance to scream as they tumbled off the bed into a heap of limbs.
It was so absurd that this was how her day should end when she couldn’t see the point of it this morning. The slimy shadows around her heart loosened and faded back as she tried to free her knee from under someone's foot.
"I don't know who has their hand on my breast, but you've got two seconds to let go or…"
No threat was actually needed as they both carefully scrambled apart, kneeling before her like scolded children as she wiped the last of the tears from her eyes. She accepted a bottle of water from Amane as Tsukasa leaned back and cracked his back.
Nene stood carefully, leaning down to kiss both of them before she backed out of the room, promising to be right back; she just needed a minute.
Her mother's picture and urn were tucked in the little shrine beside Amane and Tsukasa’s grandparents. Her own ruby eyes stared back at her, and she folded her hands over her mouth as she cried for a minute.
"I'm going to be okay, momma. I will. Amane and Tsukasa will take good care of me, so you don't have to worry. And tell their grandparents that I'll keep an eye on them and make sure they stay out of too much trouble. I miss you, so much. And I love you."
She rose, heading back to the bedroom, giggling at the scene. Amane had his brother in a headlock, not that he could see anything with the way Tsukasa had tugged his shirt over his face.
"I leave you for five minutes and this is what happens?"
Tsukasa turned that toothy grin on her as he wrestled his brother to the floor and sat on his chest with a triumphant cheer before Amane jabbed him in the side so hard he wheezed.
They were dumb and immature, and she loved them so much. Her mother had been right when she said that no matter what she went through, no matter the hardship or happiness that Nene found, the little moon-eyed boys who had followed her home would always be with her.
There was an odd tingle down her spine, and Nene glanced behind her. The little chain of paper cranes and stars above the door fluttered as if caught in a breeze before they laid still, and for the first time in so long, Nene felt at peace.
She climbed into bed, snuggling down as they climbed in around her. She curled their hands in her own and held them tight.
"I want to go to the beach this weekend. And maybe next year too. And the year after that."
Tsukasa leaned over her, eyes big and bright before Amane tugged his hand free and shoved him back down. He whined as she caught up both their hands again, smiling as Tsukasa threw his leg over hers to kick his brother.
"We can get donuts for breakfast. And Nene-nee can make bentos and we can have dinner at that restaurant."
Bit by bit Nene fell asleep, imagining waves washing over her toes as sleep tugged her down. Tsukasa was rambling on about what they could do, what they could have for lunch as his fingers squeezed hers. And Amane answered him, voice soft and soothing as his thumb swept over the back of her hand.
She must have imagined it in her dreamy haze, right before they both curled in closer and went quiet, but she could have sworn she could smell her mother’s perfume. Could have sworn there were lips against her forehead and a murmur of love before it was carried away by the siren call of sleep.
Tomorrow could only be better, she thought. As long as she rose to meet the dawn from the tangle of limbs, tomorrow could only be better.