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Sakusa Kiyoomi hated roller coasters. He hated public places. He hated theme parks and their unsanitary environment. He felt nauseous just at the thought of walking through those places — trash everywhere, germs covering every possible surface, messy children running around, and the amount of people just at the entrance — gave him a panic attack.
So why, he questioned, why was he comparing his relationship with Atsumu to riding a roller coaster when he hasn’t rode one in the 19 years he’s lived?
But from what he saw, the buildup was slow, it was sometimes painfully too slow but the adrenaline was already running through his veins because he already knew what was waiting for him at the top.
He already knew what was waiting for him when he walked in that gym one day, eyes automatically searching for that boy named Atsumu Miya. He already knew what was coming for him when Atsumu’s rambunctious laugh made him feel weird and weak. He already knew what was happening to him when Atsumu’s brown almost golden eyes met his own dark ones.
He already knew the fall was inevitable.
Sakusa Kiyoomi was a smart man, he was decisive, he was borderline a control freak, and he knew what he wanted but as he dangled from the top, the track disappearing from his line of sight, he felt helpless and powerless as he braced for the fall.
Sakusa Kiyoomi was afraid of the fall.
Feeling every inch of his locked up heart jump at the impact, he felt suffocated as the coaster finally fell, the winds of realization hitting his face so fast that it burned.
The fall was the worst. It was headache inducing. It was like a panic attack rising in his throat. His grasp on control slipped away in just a snap.
Sakusa Kiyoomi just woke up one day and it felt like the world was just a little bit more bearable. He opened his eyes and suddenly the sun’s warmth was comforting and the clouds were calming.
Sakusa Kiyoomi just woke up one day and it was like his whole world started revolving around Atsumu Miya.
And it was cruel.
It was cruel and cold and it was impossible.
Atsumu Miya was impossible.
Because why else would you ride a roller coaster? For the chance of death? For the nauseating feeling? No. It was for the thrill of it all.
Atsumu Miya was there for the thrill. For the adrenaline rushing through his veins. He wasn’t there for Sakusa Kiyoomi, he was there for the excitement and the risk.
But did Sakusa mind? Maybe, yes, of course he did but for a reason or two, he stayed, stayed and let himself be pulled deeper and deeper.
It was a siren — Atsumu Miya was a siren who pulled Sakusa down a water of promises and sweet words. He was a siren with lips that burned, it burned and it was euphoric. Finger breaking water and the water was salty, like tears — an ocean of broken hearts.
Sakusa Kiyoomi was a smart man but when it came to Atsumu Miya it was like all rhyme and reason got lost in a sea of him. Just him. Everything was him. The tides just keep coming back to him.
“You wanna stay together forever, shnookums?” Atsumu grinned lazily, fingers slowly tracing patterns onto Sakusa ’s bare skin. It was rare to see him like this, in such close proximity to someone but then again, Atsumu was such a special person to him, wasn’t he?
Sakusa hummed, eyes closed, exhaustion fogging up his brain.
Atsumu had to admit, he was one of the prettiest people he had ever met. His eyelashes were long, curly black hair softer than the clouds, and bright red lips that could match Snow White ’s.
Sakusa Kiyoomi was Atsumu Miya ’s very own Snow White and he was the prince.
“Do you want to stay together forever?” Atsumu repeated, now inching closer to Sakusa, hiding his face on the crook of the germaphobe ’s neck, breathing in his clean scent.
“I guess so,” What he meant to say was ‘yes, I’ll be with you forever even if the last stars die, I’ll be with you forever.’
“I’ll be your prince in shining armor forever then, my snow white, I promise,” Atsumu grinned, placing soft kisses on the hickeys littering Sakusa ’s porcelain skin.
“I think you mean knight in shining armor?” Sakusa let out a satisfied sigh, basking in the comfort of being underneath the sheets with the bottle blond.
“No,” Atsumu said sharply between kisses, “I’m a prince,”
“Whatever you say,”
Sakusa Kiyoomi hated promises. They were always meant to be broken one way or another. Letting out the words “I promise.” was just too easy, way too fucking easy. You could let those three syllables escape your lips and know at that very second that you would never fulfill it anyways. Promises were just lies but made to look pretty.
Sunflowers. He smelled like sunflowers, Sakusa thought. He smelled like dreams and every little thing he loved with that mix of boyish sweat.
He smelled like heartbreak and sex.
He smelled like break ups.
“I’m breaking up with you,” Who would’ve thought it was Sakusa who would be saying those words?
Sakusa Kiyoomi knew Atsumu Miya was getting bored. The thrill was gone, the adrenaline pumped dry and it was because the chase wasn’t a chase anymore. Sakusa stopped in his track and let Atsumu crash into his arms.
The chase was Atsumu’s favorite part and he wanted to have pretty, quiet, and serious Sakusa wrapped around his fingers and now that he got what he wanted, he wanted out, he wanted a new target, he wanted that thrill again — to ride a new coaster after letting Sakusa ride his fucking dick.
“Oh?” Was all the setter could say, golden brown eyes analyzing the spiker’s reaction and to his disappointment, the man only stared back at him with bored onyx eyes, mask pulled up — unusual. In the months they’ve been together, Kiyoomi had grown a habit of pulling down his mask and even taking it off around the setter. His walls were back up.
“You’re really lucky I even entertained you,” his tone was harsh, it was cold, every edge of his words calculated. Sakusa Kiyoomi was back, Atsumu’s trial version of Omi-omi was finished.
Atsumu gripped the volleyball in his hands even tighter, he was planning on breaking up with Omi after one last fuck, so he shouldn’t be too disappointed, right? He could just walk up to some stranger in a club and ask to get his dick wet but God, why was this crushing him so bad?
(“You’re in love, idiot,” Osamu would say that night, his twin confiding with him but at that moment all Atsumu could think of was it was because it hurt his pride and ego.)
“That’s all I wanted to say, goodbye, Miya-san,” Sakusa turned away, every step echoed through the gym, it echoed and it bounced off the walls, every step, every sound felt like hands gripping tighter and tighter around Atsumu’s lungs and when Sakusa finally closed the doors, those hands let go, forcing Atsumu on to his knees to cry, clawing at his throat to stop — to just fucking stop because it hurts, it hurts so much.
The day after, the news dropped — Sakusa officially left the team and quit professional volleyball forever.
“What did you do?” Hinata walked up to the setter, eye furious; the maddest anyone has ever seen him.
“I haven’t—I don’t—?” Atsumu walked back until his back hit the wall, he was cornered, literally and metaphorically.
“You broke up, right?” Kageyama sighed, he was there to drop off Hinata at practice and before he could leave to attend his own, the news of Sakusa’s resignation was spilled. Of course Kageyama knew they broke up, Komori and him were friends, as unbelievable as that sounded.
Hinata didn’t listen, still slowly inching forward to the twin, standing on his tiptoes just to make himself look taller and more threatening.
Bokuto and Akaashi walked in, the latter had two coffee cups in hand while the former was in an obvious sour mood, a mood that not even Akaashi’s presence could dissipate.
“Just called Kiyoomi, said it was for medical reasons,” Akaashi’s voice was calm but his eyes were sharp, flashing towards Atsumu’s figure, his eyes screamed ‘I will murder you with a dull knife.’
And that’s what all they knew for almost three months.
Three months of silence. Three months of nothing.
“Tsumu, it’s been so long,” Osamu placed a plate of food down in front of his twin before taking a seat himself, eyes analyzing the man in front of him. His blond hair stayed untouched, dark roots showing, as dark as the bags under his eyes.
“Yes and I—” Atsumu started, words getting caught in his throat. He was confused and exhausted, exhausted from all the thinking and staying up ‘till 3 AM just daydreaming about what if’s. What if he chased after Sakusa Kiyoomi? What if he realized sooner that yes, he was in love with Sakusa Kiyoomi? What if he wasn’t such a fucking idiot?
Atsumu Miya grew attached to Sakusa Kiyoomi. That was the harsh truth he refused to even acknowledge. He refused to look over the mirror and stare at himself straight in the eyes, stare at the emotions running wild behind them.
“And I can’t forget him,” Atsumu whispered, finally giving in. Yes, he was attached to Sakusa Kiyoomi. He was irreversibly and fully in love with the man whose heart he was supposed to break.
“Tsumu, listen, Komori he—” Osamu hesitated, biting his lips. “He messaged me earlier about Sakusa and—” Atsumu almost got whiplash from how fast he raised his head, stumbling to stand on his feet. Suddenly breathing became too hard, too complicated.
“I’ll need you to sit down for this one,” The bleach blond boy almost wanted to shake his head, he wanted— no, he needed to hear whatever his twin had to say.
“Sit down,” Osamu sighed. As much as he looked like he could care less about Atsumu, that reckless man was still his twin brother, of course he cared about him. He grew up with him, they were and still are inseparable.
Osamu’s grip on Atsumu tightened, pulling him back down to where he sat just a second ago.
“Tell me please, Samu,” The setter’s voice cracked. How could he let himself be so hung up on Sakusa Kiyoomi? How could he let his heart slip through the cracks and fall?
The fall, it was so scary once you took away the adrenaline and the thrill. It was terrifying. It made Atsumu’s entire being freeze up in fear. It made the beating of his heart stop for a second, like a roller coaster stopping at the very top, at the highest peak and you hold your breathe, you think you’re ready for the fall but you’re really not because the fall was intense, it was too fast, too harsh.
The fall hurt because no one was there to catch him.
“Sakusa he—” Osamu cleared his throat, “He’s in the hospital, Komori said, he said it was because of,” Atsumu’s grip on the table tightened. “Because of pancreatic cancer, the doctor said he only has 4 months max, it would’ve been 5 years if he got treated earlier,”
Atsumu gasped, hands now clutching his heart, big fat tears streamed down his face. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. He wished it wasn’t real. He wished he could wake up right at that moment, open his eyes, and look down at Sakusa in his arms sleeping peacefully. He wished he would wake up and realize everything was just some horrible fever dream.
But it wasn’t.
“I wish I never met you,” Atsumu held Sakusa’s cold hands. They’ve always been cold but now, as the sterile scent of the hospital room sent his senses into overdrive, he realized they were a different type of cold.
Sakusa’s hands were cold but they would instantly heat up the moment Atsumu interlaced them with his own. They were cold but they were soft, they were cold but they were comforting.
“I fucking wish I never met you,” The setter thought he cried all his tears, he thought he shed all the tears he could shed but he was wrong again, somehow, his body still found the liquid and the energy to do so. He was emotionally and physically exhausted from crying and thinking and trying to come to terms with the plethora of emotions inside his ivory cages but he couldn’t stop. “Because if I didn’t then I wouldn’t be feeling like this,”
“They said he won’t be waking up anytime soon, not soon enough until his body finally gives up,” Komori started, leaning against the sickeningly white walls, arms crossed as he stared down at his cousin’s body. He was in a coma but he sure as could pass for being dead.
“You’re going to pull the plugs,” Atsumu mumbled, too tired to create a scene, too tired to jump up from where he stood and yell.
It was cruel. It was so cruel.
It was sudden. Too sudden
There was still so much to say, so much to talk about, so much to experience.
“I love you, I’m sorry for only realizing that now and I’m sorry for using you but I swear I love you, I swear I do, I love you more than I thought I ever could, I feel so much for you and I’m glad I feel this way for you, I—”
“I’m sorry and I love you,” his voice was barely even above a whisper as his thumb drew circles around Sakusa’s pale hands. Was there even a need for him to speak hundreds of words and millions of apologies?
Did he really deserve that closure? He thought bitterly, did he really? When he broke his promise? Didn’t he promise that he would be Kiyoomi’s prince in shining armor? Didn’t that mean he’d protect that boy with everything he had? So why, why was he laying, motionless, pale and cold, instead of smiling and rolling his eyes at Atsumu?
With hesitance and as if against his own will, stood up and leaned down, lips pressing against Sakusa’s chapped own — for one last time.
Atsumu Miya wished he kept his promise, to give them both a fairytale ending, he wished he could finally find out what happens after happily ever after.
Atsumu Miya wished he could save his Snow White.
Atsumu Miya wished he could have his Sakusa Kiyoomi.