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Peter sat in the sand, with his legs stretched out in front of him, and his feet buried in the damp part of the shore, where the tide rose only to fall back away. He liked it down on the beach, especially after dinner, when it was quieter, and he could listen to the sound of the water and watch the sun fall out of the sky.
Down at the beach he could breathe, he could let his muscles go slack, instead of tensing, but he wasn’t totally peaceful.
He knew he shouldn’t be at a beach, out of New York, out of Queens, at a time like this. Spider-Man didn’t, and couldn’t vacation, but the concept seemed lost on Mr. Stark and his Aunt May, who both insisted that he needed the time away.
“Hey, what’cha doing?”
Mr. Stark lowered himself, then collapsed down onto the sand next to him. These days Mr. Stark was looking different. All greying hair and kinder eyes. He took things slower. His heartbeat, even, was slower, and steady, and Mr. Stark had earned. He earned his retirement by almost sacrificing his life to put the world right.
“Oh, let me guess,” said Mr. Stark. “You’re down here watching this beautiful sunset, but not enjoying it, cause you’re here instead of Queens.”
“It doesn’t feel right,” said Peter. “Feels like running away.”
“Don’t look at it that way – “
“-I know, look at it like a vacation,” he finished for him. “But how can I be on vacation when there’s so much stuff I have to do? People to protect and help?”
Mr. Stark released a heavy sigh, one that made Peter think his mentor was just as tired of having this conversation as he was.
“Because you gotta protect yourself too,” said Mr. Stark. “That’s how you keep yourself well so you’re around to help the little guy.”
“Yeah, yeah, I got it. That’s all the same stuff you and May said when you guys ganged up on me.”
“It wasn’t a ‘gang up’ on situation, Pete, we were merely expressing concern that you were running yourself into the ground, which you were.”
Peter knew what Mr. Stark was saying was true. He’d been so tired the day Mr. Stark and May sat him down spring a last-minute vacation on him, he’d slept the entire plane trip to where they were staying and was still so tired once they landed, he could barely keep his eyes open throughout dinner. He spent the first night on the island passed out in his room, which did nothing except give Mr. Stark and May the validation that they made the right decision by forcing a vacation.
And sure, he was rested. His dark circles were going away, but that was another thing entirely.
“And you’re having fun,” said Mr. Stark. “I saw you and Morgan yesterday going all googly eyed over the dolphins.”
“I don’t have googly eyes.”
“Yep, sure do,” said Mr. Stark. He leaned back, dug his hands into the sand and used his arms as support. “Ok maybe not for the dolphins, but the strangest thing, you get them all the time in your decathlon meets, especially when a certain girl – “
“Ha ha, Mr. Stark.”
Peter kept his eyes out at the ocean, and although he can feel Mr. Stark looking at him, trying to pry information about his love life from him, he tried to ignore.
“Maybe next time we go on vacation, you can invite her.”
Peter’s head snapped away from the ocean to look at Mr. Stark. “Really?”
“Sure, if you admit that even super-spider needs a vacation,” said Mr. Stark. “And that you have googly eyes for her.”
Peter laughed, but it got in his throat by a sudden wave of grief. That it was supposed to be Ben, sitting here with him, teasing about dolphins and girls. It was supposed to be Ben, and it wasn’t, and Peter was sitting there in the sand instead swinging through the streets of Queens, insuring that some other family’s Ben didn’t get killed.
His guilt was like that, tied together with grief, and it didn’t ever seem to separate. On most days Peter accepted that it wouldn’t.
Mr. Stark scooted closer and put his arm around him. “Wanna tell me what you’re thinking?”
“You already know,” said Peter. “That I should be in Queens… stopping the bad things from happening.”
“Can’t stop them all, Peter,” said Mr. Stark. “I know you think you gotta be Spider-Man to save the day, but the world needs Peter Parker, too, and you know what Peter Parker needs?”
Peter just stared, already knowing what Mr. Stark was about to say, but unwilling to stop him.
“To relax,” said Mr. Stark. “And not feel guilty about having some time to yourself. You deserve a break, kid, just like everyone else, and when we get back home, I hope you’ll remember that and make time to do something besides Spider-Man and college applications… like maybe ask that Michelle girl out a date.”
“I dunno, maybe…”
“Ben would want that for you, just like May and I do.”
Peter swallowed, then nodded, choosing to let the guilt ebb away with the tide, at least until the next time it creeped back up again. Grief and guilt were like that, always present, always rolling back up to shore, and Peter had to learn how to accept that every day, had to learn to let Mr. Stark and May and Ned and all the others in his life sit in the sand with him until it left.