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Yamaguchi always loved the stars, they fascinated him in a way that idols and celebrities fascinated people — they were so bright, just out of arm’s reach. So painfully impossible to reach. Yamaguchi could never hold a star in his tiny hands even if he wanted to and maybe that’s why he loved Tsukishima Kei so much.
Someone like Tsukishima was never meant to be held. He was far too bright, far too high up in the sky to be reached.
Tsukishima deserved to be up there, in the night sky surrounded by shining stars like him — he was more than the stars actually, he was the whole moon. On some nights he disappears, hiding from the world but whenever he shows himself, for everyone to see, he never fails to awe them with his beauty — It was almost criminal.
“Who do you think will be our new captain?” Yamaguchi hummed quietly, letting the cup of coffee warm up his hands from the cold early morning air. Leaves crunched underneath their shoes, Tsukishima’s headphones just resting on his shoulders, music paused.
It was the morning of their 2nd day back in Karasuno, 2nd year of dealing with the volleyball team.
“Probably Ennoshita,” Tsukishima raised his head, eyes soaking in the mixture of purple, orange, and pink twilight sky, some stars still scattering the heavens above them. As much as Kei loved the midnight sky, twilight was a beautiful time.
Yamaguchi’s attention however, wasn’t at the sky, but at his best friend walking beside him, staring at him endearingly. Tsukishima never realized just how pretty he was — especially now that he was growing his hair out. Purple and pink overlayed his golden brown eyes, he was absolutely breathtaking.
“And I think, next year,” Kei brought his gaze back down to earth, back down to the boy walking beside him. “You’d make a good captain,” there was a ghost of a smile on his lips and Yamaguchi knew this was the most his best friend would show any semblance of softness, or that’s what he thought.
“I don’t know, Tsukki—” Yamaguchi’s nervous chuckling got cut off when Tsukishima shook his head. “Well, I know, Tadashi, you’re…” the tow headed boy trailed off, trying to find the right words to say.
“You’re hard working, I know that’s easy to say but compared to everyone else in the team, it’s you that works the hardest, the one that pushes everyone else the farthest,” Yamaguchi felt that tell tale sign of butterflies in his stomach at Kei’s words, he swallowed hard, ignoring that fluttering feeling.
“Remember last year, when you called me out and we fought? You were so cool and that made me realize I wanted to work hard too, I wanted to catch up to you,” The green haired boy smiled fondly at the memory. Sure it was harsh and was emotionally exhausting but Yamaguchi would never regret doing it. After all, it made Kei realize his true love for volleyball, right?
“You can lead us to nationals, Tadashi—when was I ever wrong?” Kei’s tone was soft, it was…something that made Yamaguchi’s freckled cheeks fire up.
“Oh shit,” Tadashi Yamaguchi realized that very second, 5:22 AM, that he was in fact, in love with his best friend. For years, he always thought it was some childish puppy love that would go away one day but it didn’t. It never did and now there he was, listening to Kei’s calming voice as his words led his best friend into a deeper hole of infatuation.
The morning wind blew stronger, playing with Yamaguchi’s hair as he stood there, unknowingly stopping in his tracks as the gravity of Kei’s words finally sunk in. Pale emerald eyes drank in Kei’s tall figure walking ahead of him. Once again, the words ‘beautiful’ swam in his head, it filled every corner and hall of his brain until all he could dream about was Tsukishima’s pale moonlight hair and his ghost of a smile.
“Cosmic Latte,” Yamaguchi smiled to himself, still standing in the middle of the sidewalk to memorize every inch of his best friend’s back — as if he hasn’t already.
“Cosmic latte is the color of the universe,” Yachi read the wikipedia page out loud to the green haired boy. “Let me see,” he mumbled, Yamaguchi finished reading a sentence in his text book before looking up to look over at Yachi ’s phone. “Pretty, isn’t it?” The blond girl sighed dreamily, Yamaguchi only smiled quizzically.
“I don’t understand why we need to memorize that, Yacchan,” Yamaguchi chuckled, proceeding to continue reviewing for that day ’s quiz in physics and overall, the first quiz of their second year, grabbing his obnoxiously bright yellow highlighter to highlight something. “Physics is the natural science that studies matter, its motion and behavior through space and time, and the related entities of energy and force.,” the pinch server mumbled under his breath over and over again, trying to memorize that line.
“I heard from 2-4 that Mr. Yukawa added a question about the color of the universe as a bonus question, they said it’s worth 15 points,” Yachi picked up her pen again to write down a sentence or two about the color.
“It’s our first day back in school, why is Mr. Yukawa even making us answer a quiz?” Yamaguchi sighed through his nose, tearing his attention from his textbook for a second, zoning out as he stared at the phone of Yachi ’s screen, the creamy color was oddly calming, it was oddly familiar, it reminded him of a boy who loved the cosmos.
Comic Latte. The color of the universe — the general universe and Yamaguchi’s universe. The pale yellow locks of his best friend, the color that made him grow fond of pastels and yellows. At that moment, he finally understood why Kageyama grew so fond of bright colors, specifically orange.
“That’s so unlike you, Tobio,” Yamaguchi leaned back, looking down at the bright orange face towel and matching orange water bottle in Kageyama ’s hands. The pinch server didn’t receive a verbal reply back but the way the setter’s cheeks fired up was enough of an answer.
“Are you just gonna stand there and stare at my back, captain?” Tsukishima’s teasing voice pulled his best friend from his daydreams. Yamaguchi softly smiled when he caught sight of Tsukishima’s own face, looking over his shoulders.
“Coming, Tsukki!” his laugh was light, it was carefree, and it brought a sense of serendipity to the tall middle blocker. To know his best friend was still happy, was still the same old positivity magnet, it was calming, it was assuring.
And so the school day came and as it progressed, Tsukishima’s mood seemed to worsen. His words had become sharper, more hurtful, and Yamaguchi would only guess it was because of the noisy 3rd gym group chat.
Tsukishima had become even more irritable and snappier than usual — something the volleyball team thought was impossible.
Yamaguchi thought that Kei’s moods had miraculously stopped, and whatever was causing his irritation went away but now as he watches Kei from where he sat, the tall boy’s frown only deepened as he was staring at something on his phone, Yamaguchi knew it was far from over.
The green haired boy was about to stand up to confront his best friend about it when their Literature teacher walked through the door, the noise of the classroom immediately dissipating, all their attention on the pretty and young teacher.
Looking over at the clock on the wall, Yamaguchi sighed, 10:20 AM. Right. Literature classes and for some reason, Ms. Takeuchi was never late. Not even a minute.
‘It’s alright, Tadashi, it’s not like Tsukki’s gonna die if you don’t confront him about this right away, it’s just an hour, you just have to wait an hour.’ Yamaguchi slumped back in his seat, taking out his notebook and pen.
“Ok, today we’re going to continue our character study on Eponine from yesterday,” Ms. Takeuchi instructed them to open their copy of Les Miserables, gently placing down her books and laptop on the teacher’s desk.
Yamaguchi’s attention slowly trailed back to Kei’s desk, watching him as his brown eyes looked outside the window next to him, chin resting on the palm of his right hand. He won’t ever say it out loud but he liked watching Kei like that — quiet and calm, the rays of the sun enveloping him in an ethereal glow.
The weird feeling in his chest continued to grow warmer and he knew what it meant but he tried his best to step on it, to stop it. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t. He just couldn’t afford to fall in love with his own best friend. Not now.
A martyr, Hinata called him, someone who would suffer in silence for another. A martyr, Hinata teased but beneath his words, there was pity and a little bit of hope that his teammate would finally see his own worth.
A martyr. Someone who would rather suffer in silence for as long as possible than denounce his loyalty to Tsukishima Kei. He’d rather wake up everyday to a cold heart than wake up to a ruined friendship.
“Mr. Tsukishima, can you recall what we’ve discussed yesterday?” Their teacher’s voice snatched Yamaguchi’s attention from his train of thoughts, turning around with a chalk in her hand, not waiting for Kei to stand up and answer before writing something on the black board.
“Eponine is one of the characters in Les Miserables, she was once a rich, pampered girl but in the future is shown to be poor and impoverished, the most striking part of her character is her undying one sided love for Marius, even sacrificing herself for his sake,” Tsukishima easily remembered the summary of yesterday’s lesson, that was something Yamaguchi admired about him. How easy studying came to him, even though Yamaguchi did rank higher with his grades.
Eponine’s character, Yamaguchi thought, reminded him so much of himself. The volleyball player had read the chapters with Eponine in them and he had to admit, he saw himself in her.
“And what do you think of her character?” Ms. Takeuchi turned around, a knowing smile on her face.
From all the years she’s taught literature and her years as a literature student herself, she knew full well how much Eponine’s character resonated with wistful, pining, love struck teenagers.
“I think,” Kei took a moment to collect his thoughts, eyes lowering to the opened book in front of him.
“I think her story is devastating, how she fell for someone who could never look at her the same way she looked at him. It’s also realistic, I think? Victor Hugo didn’t give us a happy ending or even a slight hint that Marius felt some type of romantic feeling for her because let’s be honest, you can’t make someone fall for you if they really don’t want to. But I also think it’s stupid how she was so accepting of her disposition,” Kei tilted his head a little.
Yamaguchi grimaced a little at his words, because it felt as though Tsukishima was talking about him. Scrutinizing him and the feelings he held for the blond.
“She was so accepting of being the ghost behind Marius’ shoulder, of being that whisper in the wind, she didn’t complain, she just yearned and her heart being broken into a thousand pieces was okay. She was content with loving on her own, she was okay with the fact that Marius’ world will still keep on turning even without her presence. She was a martyr and I guess I don’t like that about her because I can’t ever see myself like that, maybe it’s envy, not sure,” Though Kei stopped talking, he still stood and his teacher knew well enough there was one last thing he wanted to say.
Yamaguchi felt the tips of his fingers grow cold, thoughts running a thousand miles per second.
It was like a rainstorm. A thunderstorm.
It was slow at first, the rain drops were far and few in between.
Puzzle pieces started to fall into place, Yamaguchi found each piece and started to connect them for the full picture, the picture he so desperately wanted to see for the last week.
Kuroo and Kenma announced their relationship last week.
Tsukki started to act weird at the same time frame.
Then the rain started picking up.
Tsukki ’s mood would always sour when Kuroo messaged the 3rd year gym gc or even see Kuroo’s social media posts.
Kuroo has posted nothing but about Kenma for the past few days.
“I can’t ever see myself like that,” Tsukki’s words sound like they’re from experience, like he’s thought about it for a long time.
Now the rain was pouring so hard, too painfully hard that if Yamaguchi stayed just a bit longer under the storm, his skin might start bleeding.
Tsukki was …in love with Kuroo.
Thunder sealed the deal.
Ms. Takeuchi scanned the room, looking at the faces of her students—how their brows were furrowed as they tried to process Tsukishima’s words and some had downcast eyes, knowing exactly what he was trying to say.
But there was one boy who was looking directly at Tsukishima Kei, eyes glazed over, and his teacher didn’t fail to notice this.
Green hair messy and freckled cheeks pale with realization.
Love triangle maybe? Ms. Takeuchi asked herself. Love square? She couldn’t help but let her heart ache for Yamaguchi and Tsukishima.
Love was messy, love was difficult, it was headache inducing, it was everywhere and at the same time it was nowhere.
Love gave nothing but problems upon overlapping problems and yet we still search for it. We go out of our way to fall even if the fall meant your heart would be wrapped in bandages at the end of the day.
“She didn’t expect for him to love her back and that’s what’s so hard to accept because not one person in this room right now will admit that they’ll act as selflessly as that. Eponine believed that she didn’t need to be loved, she believed that to love was enough for her. If Icarus flew too close to the sun then Eponine flew too far from the sun.” Who knew Tsukishima Kei was poetic?
Their teacher’s eyes went back to Yamaguchi noticing the way the boy slumped in his seat.
Tsukishima Kei was wrong.
Someone in that room was willing to admit that they were a hopeless, helpless martyr.
Someone in that room was Eponine and it surely wasn’t Tsukishima, as he has so vaguely suggested earlier. It was his best friend.
Their teacher cleared her throat, the same sad smile on her face, thanking Kei before continuing on to the lesson.
“Does anyone have anything else to say about Eponine’s character before we continue on to Enjolras’ character?” Ms. Takeuchi finished discussing, looking down at her watch to see that they had a couple of minutes left before the bell rang.
No one raised their hands.
“Well then, Mr. Yamaguchi,” The literature teacher called upon the boy, he had been distracted ever since the start of class.
The boy nervously stood up from where he sat.
“We have discussed the fact that Eponine never confessed to Marius, only silently pining over him, If you were in Eponine’s shoes right now, what would you tell your Marius?”
Yamaguchi swallowed his saliva, hands shaking ever so slightly, previously lifeless cheeks now covered in a thick hue of red.
“I..I’m…” Yamaguchi stuttered, fiddling with his fingers, a habit he’s tried so hard to ditch.
And for a moment, he let his eyes glance over at Tsukishima, and for a moment he felt the glass of his heart start to crack.
Why did he let himself fall for him? How did that even happen in the first place?
“Close your eyes, Mr. Yamaguchi, concentrate and imagine yourself as Eponine, standing right in front of the man you’ve been chasing for years, the one you’ve seen fall in love with someone else right in front of your own eyes,” Those words hit too close to home but Tadashi wasn’t gonna say anything, he wasn’t going to admit that he did see himself in Eponine’s shoes.
He wasn’t going to admit out loud that he watched Tsukishima Kei fall in love with Kuroo Tetsurou with his own eyes. He wasn’t going to admit how Tsukishima’s guarded heart opened up just for a guy he barely met a year ago but not for him, his best friend for almost a decade.
“I’m…” Yamaguchi let out a shaky sigh, closing his eyes, trying to collect the strength to speak up.
“I love you but only on my own but that’s fine with me, I do not expect you to love me back as I’ve seen the way you look at Kur— Cosette,” Yamaguchi blushed even harder, if that was even possible, at his almost slip up. He almost said Kuroo.
“I thought…I thought I was less in love with you today than I did yesterday, I thought I was less in love with you than the day I ’ve realized I was in love with you—but it seems like dear Aphrodite wants to prove me wrong as I look into your eyes. Your eyes that I’ve unfortunately made into my home. But again, I do not expect you to return my love. I do not dare to hope for it. I’ve learned that a long time ago. I do not think you can break my heart because you can’t break a heart that doesn’t even expect anything more than you’ve already made me feel,”
Tadashi exhaled. Glad his little speech was finally done.
Wondering why everyone was so quiet, opening his eyes he was met with the sight of his classmates and teacher’s shocked, sympathetic, and understanding faces.
And when Tadashi looked up to catch his teacher’s eyes, he knew, he understood why she called him.
He knew that she knew—or vaguely knew—the suffering he was putting himself through.
To love another and not expect to be loved back.
Like rain, it started out light.
The stars escaping his eyes started out light.
They were gentle, beautiful almost. The quiet jingle sound that it let out once they met the palm of Yamaguchi’s hands was tragic.
A reminder that all beautiful things brought pain.
It started out light, Yamaguchi could easily hide them from his best friend.
“Star tear—?” Yachi gasped, gawking at the jar of glowing pale yellow stars, the same pale yellow of Kei’s hair.
It started out light but as time passed by, it started to worsen — a storm that wouldn’t die down any time soon.
“Hanahaki, I know, is common but star tear…” The 2nd year manager mumbled, surprised when a pleasant jingling sound emitted from the jar when she picked it up. “They say that’s the sound of a falling star,” Yamaguchi rubbed his eyes, clutching a small bottle of rohto drops.
The sound was so soft, it was so soothing, and there was little pain besides from the one in his chest. Is this what people meant when they said pain is beauty?
“You know…” Yachi sighed, looking up at her friend who sat quietly on his bed in his oversized yellow sweater. “My auntie is a doctor that specializes in extracting feelings,” her voice was quiet, scared that she might offend the boy.
Yamaguchi paused for a moment.
“No,” he smiled, tilting his head to look over at the jar in Yachi’s hands. “He can’t like me back but that’s alright,” he let out a weak chuckle. “I don’t want to forget this feeling of loving him, y’know? How beautiful this mix of content and suffering is,” Yachi furrowed her brows.
Unbelievable, she wanted to say out loud. Unfair, she wanted to snap him out of the deluded imagination he’s trapped himself in.
“You’re really willing to go that far for a guy who’s never gonna love you back?” It was uncharacteristically harsh for her to say but she just didn’t like seeing her friends suffer like this.
Yes, she understood love was addicting, it was euphoric, it was naturally tragic—but to be so selfless to the point of hurting yourself permanently? That was too far.
“Don’t worry, Yacchan, this isn’t deadly like hanahaki, right?”
“Well, yes but—”
“Then I won’t do anything about it, actually I want it that way, little by little, my ability to see the color yellow will disappear until I won’t even remember what yellow looks like,”
Yachi looked back down at the jar in her hand, noticing how the bottom row of stars were more saturated and as the stack went up, it started to become paler and losing its hue.
“And maybe one day, when I finally forget what the color of the sun is or what a sunflower looks like, maybe that’s when I’ll forget about him too and maybe, just maybe, the stars will stop,” Yamaguchi stood up from where he sat, walking slowly to a window, leaning against the wall to stare at the sunset.
It was already 6 PM, barely enough sunlight to paint the sky in an orange hue while half of the sky was already a dark blue, stars already out to play in the night.
“Do you think you can hide this from him?” Yachi’s voice was light, it was a question she already knew the answer to.
“No,”
And so it continued on like that, Yamaguchi hid his feelings and he hid the stars that escaped his eyes, he hid everything, even his developing color blindness.
Another year passed and it was all the same. Pretending like he didn’t know Kei’s feelings for Kuroo, pretending like he didn’t have feelings for Kei, pretending like everything was okay.
It wasn’t easy — to wake up everyday and act like he wasn’t completely being crushed alive, he did ask for this, right? Didn’t he say that he didn’t expect for Kei to love him back? So why, why weren’t the stars stopping? Why were they getting worse?
“You go on ahead, Hinata, Kageyama — you too, Yacchan,” the newly appointed captain closed the doors to the storage room. “Good night, Cap! See you tomorrow!” The orange haired spiker dragged his boyfriend outside the gym, the setter looked as though he still wanted to practice.
“Good night, ‘Dashi,” Yachi fixed her school uniform before waving to the boy who was checking every corner of the gym for any stray ball or a misplaced equipment. This was something Yamaguchi could get used to, he thought, dusting his hands of any dirt or dust. Being the captain, being responsible, mothering his teammates, it came so naturally.
“Hm, good job, Tadashi!” Yamaguchi smiled to himself, gazing at the spotless, empty gym. “Take care of our monster duo, alright? Make sure they don’t scare off the first years and make sure to lead the team to nationals,” Ennoshita’s reminder was still fresh in his mind but the initial nervousness and anxiety was gone. Yamaguchi Tadashi was determined to be a great captain.
“What did I say? You’d make a good captain,” Yamaguchi almost jumped in his skin when he heard Kei’s deep voice. I thought everyone went home already? He cursed under his breath, trying to calm his breathing. Turning around, he saw Kei just standing there, leaning against the door to the gym, arms crossed while he watched the captain.
Was it dumb for Yamaguchi to think he looked absolutely breath taking under the fluorescent lights of the gym? Was it stupid for Yamaguchi to think he looked so serene, the usual scowl on his face replaced with a soft endearing look?
“Hm,” Yamaguchi shot him a tight smile, quickly picking up his bag, attempting to walk out the door but Tsukishima looked like he wasn’t planning on moving out the way.
Shooting him a confused look, he tried once again to reach out and open the gym door, only for his wrist to be held tightly in Kei’s hand. “Are you avoiding me?” Well that was uncalled for.
“What? Tsukki, we literally hung out yesterday?” Yamaguchi leniently breaking Kei’s grasp on him, stepped back to scrutinize the blond’s face and figure — blank and unreadable. Did Yamaguchi even expect anything more from him? At this rate? No.
The taller boy scrutinized him back, examining every inch of the pinch server’s figure, squinting his eyes at Yamaguchi. Brown eyes gazed at Yamaguchi’s own curious ones, then to his freckled cheeks that used to regularly flush red. Tsukishima had to admit, he misses seeing his best friend cosplay a strawberry.
“You’ve changed,” He stated in a matter of fact tone, not even a question to the person he was accusing.
“Pardon?”
“Did I do something wrong? Say something wrong?”
Yamaguchi stepped back, biting his lips, not knowing what to say. What could he possibly say? That just around this time last year, he realized he was in love with Tsukishima Kei and his cosmic latte locks?
“No,”
“Then why? You know I don’t like change, Tadashi,”
Kei dropped his bag on the ground, the sound echoing. The gym felt so empty. So cold. So unfamiliar from the warmth and noisy ambiance of morning and afternoon practice. So unfamiliar without Hinata’s onomatopoeias, Kageyama’s confused grunts, Yachi’s light giggles, and the first years’ constant apologies.
“Tsukki…” The words failed to escape Yamaguchi’s lips, a hundred words came to thoughts, a hundred of explanations and excuses came to mind, a hundred emotions but all he could mutter was Tsukki before the dams broke.
A hundred stars fell out his eyes, twinkling and sounds of bells filled the quiet building.
Like rain, it started out light, like rain, it felt light as air, it sounded almost like a lullaby.
Yamaguchi could barely even see the pale yellow of the floor as tears and bright lights overwhelmed his vision.
Cosmic latte stars pooled on the floor, breathe fast and short, Yamaguchi’s calm before the storm had already passed.
Like rain, it fell harder and harder until everything was flooded.
Tiny, beautiful pale yellow stars pooled around Yamaguchi’s feet, Tsukishima only stared him down — watching the five pointed clusters slide down his freckled cover cheeks, almost as if connecting them like constellations.
“You have the Cassiopeia constellation next to your left eye,” it was sudden, unwarranted, but there was Kei, cheeks resting on his right hand as he softly pointed out the bundle of freckles on the upper corner of Yamaguchi ‘s cheekbones.
“Did you…” Yamaguchi choked on his tears, arms shaking as he balled his fists in anger, embarrassment, and defeat. “Did you ever love me? Even if it was for a second? Did you ever…did the possibility of you even feeling something a friend shouldn’t for me ever cross your mind? Was there a second in your life where you looked over at me and felt your tummy do these stupid somersaults? Because I have and I still do,” Pale green eyes almost glowed with the amount of stars escaping his eyes.
The storm was bad, it was raining too hard that you couldn’t see past it — and it made you feel cold to the touch. It was a crashing, crushing feeling.
“Never,” Tsukishima Kei’s characteristically blunt answer was the thunder. It was fast, it was loud, and it was scary.
They stood there, a couple feet apart. This wasn’t a part of Yamaguchi’s plan. Step one was to admit to himself fully that he was an uninvited guest to the front doors of Kei’s heart. Step two was to ignore all feelings and act like everything was fine. Step three was to continue day to day life until graduation, maybe even move on from Kei. Step four was to let the disease make him color blind. Step Five ???. Step six, profit.
But Yamaguchi had always been a little bit emotionally weak, his emotional walls were made of paper and Tsukishima Kei was a very sharp pair of scissors.
“Hm,” Yamaguchi tried to smile, he swore he really did. His lips quivered as he almost painfully forced the corners of his lips upwards. He tried but it only caused a sob to be forced out from his body. For a second Tadashi swore he almost felt like coughing up flowers, but that was impossible, right? He already had the stars.
Opening his eyes, Tadashi wasn’t surprised when the wet stars in his hands were colorless, the glow was white and faint against the palm of his hands. Rejection is the ultimate blow, like Hanahaki that causes death, Star disease causes full color blindness or, in some cases, total blindness.
A shaky sigh was all Tadashi could manage when a few minutes passed, staring at the stars before he finally decided to look up at Tsukishima Kei.
Was it stupid of him to say that he was absolutely devastated at the fact that the cosmic latte color of Kei’s hair, the moon light yellow of Kei’s locks, were now a bland, numbing shade of gray? The yellow towel peaking out of Tadashi’s gym bag was now white.
He promised himself that he wouldn’t be heartbroken over his loss of that specific color, in hopes that it would help him from forgetting all about Kei. Maybe that promise was flawed but he’s trying. He’s trying so hard.
The unreadable almost bland look on Kei’s face was difficult to look at especially but Tadashi thinks that the jar full of wet, glossy stars sitting coldly by his nightstand back home was going to be unbearable to even acknowledge.
Yamaguchi always loved the stars — because he always thought he was the constellation shining along with Tsukishima’s full moon.
Only a fool would wish to hold the moon, even the stars, in their hands.
Yamaguchi used to love the stars.