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He had thought it would help. Help him finally feel true happiness for them with no lingering emotions swimming about in his head. Hopefully it would have helped everything just fade away into a memory. A stupid memory of it just being a phase. One that had felt like it would never end.
“It's hard to fight these feelings. When it feels so hard to breathe....”
Ron nursed the cold glass of whisky in his hand as he continued to watch them move to the song. It wasn't blaring, but it could be heard unfortunately perfectly all around the Burrow. While he was prepared for the dance itself, he wondered if he could have had worse luck with the song Ginny had chosen for their first dance. As if she knew, and it was purposely meant to torture him for daring to have such feelings. Like he had wanted to develop them, or even recognize them.
They were far past that first dance with the evening being nearly gone. Still it had played a few more times throughout the night, only making him wish for it being the first dance again. Every time it came on it hit him a little harder. Harry and Ginny seemed to seek each other out specifically for it, so they could sway softly to the beat with quicker and confident twirls and dips scattered along the lyrics.
“Caught up in this moment. Caught up in your smile….”
Ron’s stomach threatened to roll knowing he was as caught up in it as they were. Being their wedding reception the two of them had hardly quit smiling. They had a perfectly valid reason for it. Ginny was marrying her life long crush, the famous Chosen one, while Harry was finally happy and fitting in somewhere.
When their smiles weren’t due to laughter, or what appeared to be sweet moments they kept huddled between them, they seemed to smile just for the sake of it. There was the horrible part of him that didn't like it because every time he saw it, it chipped away at him a little. Ron kept shoving at that part of him to keep it away. Regardless of everything, he loved seeing Harry bright without a care in the world. It was what he had always wanted for his best mate with everything he went through.
Harry had started out in his black dress robes, ones that were similar to those he had worn to the Yule Ball, for their ceremony. Much like he had for being the best man. They were suffocating in the late September heat. Now though his best mate had shed them, and simply wore his under shirt. White sleeves rolled up to his elbows as if to move them better while he held onto Ginny. He on the other hand, refusing to dance, had chosen to remain in the personal punishment of the heat.
“ I've never opened up to anyone….”
Those few words of truth had him swallowing a larger amount of his drink, unable to stand hearing them anymore. At least the internal burn was grounding in a way that the physical one wasn’t. Pain that shouldn't have been enjoyable was. He couldn't even imagine watching them without the alcohol he had been steadily consuming.
Of course at this point Harry and Ginny weren't the only couple on the floor, but to him they might as well have been. Everyone else was merely a shadow outside his line of sight. His skin tingled in the worst way possible, and he wondered if it all would just fizzle out. Finally allowing him to go numb. At this point he would be grateful for the lack of feeling.
There was only so much emotion he could handle. Every day since Harry had proposed, and the countdown had begun, something started cracking inside him. Not out of anger, but other things he dared not admit to anyone. Even to himself he had refused to acknowledge the feelings for a long time.
At first it had all been simple. Mostly mute disbelief due to his best mate actually wanting to marry his little sister. Not just seeking some form of post war comfort like he had with Hermione. Ron figured it was common to have such mixed confusing emotions after everything, even if his own assumptions that the relationship would eventually end had been wrong. It wasn’t like he didn’t know they seemed to love each other.
After the disbelief wore off it moved on to general uncomfortableness while he tried to genuinely support them. He hadn’t been able to place the level of uncomfortableness that had suddenly been born. Sure it had been uncomfortable when they were dating, but this had been on a whole new level after he proposed.
However the uncomfortableness never left. It only faded to something semi tolerable. He completely ignored the jealousy that was tangled up with it all in denial. Over and over he had told himself it wasn't what it felt like. Instead he tried to play it off as a general older brother worry for his little sister, even though he knew Harry would never do anything to hurt her.
“Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight. Just a touch of the fire burning so bright…”
Ron’s mouth dried out as Harry pulled Ginny in close by the waist, and she rested her head on his shoulder while they continued to rock. Her loose lazy bun of tangled red hair that had been pulled up sometime during the evening, nearly coming loose when he leant his head against hers. Something within him ached being unable to prevent a different image from forming. Just a kiss goodnight was all he could ever hope for.
“I
don't want to push too far. Just a shot in the dark that you just might…”
Finishing off whatever number he was on, Ron grabbed another drink off the table he was standing by. There wasn’t even enough energy in him to try and shake the image out. When the new drink failed to banish the thought he picked up another, and with a large swallow worked to bury the stupid words that kept hitting to personally under liquor. There was no surviving the future if he couldn't get a hold on himself. At this rate he didn’t know if it was even possible.
There was no real reason for all the wallowing around in self pity. It wasn’t merited. Anything he felt was his own fault for its existence anyways. Never once had he dared or even thought about hinting to Harry what he felt. He didn’t want to risk anything just for that stupid minimual chance of a shot in the dark that was echoing in his ears. No, it was his secret to keep. Faking it was better for everyone.
“To the love we wanna find. It's never felt so real. No it's never felt so right…”
Ron actually thought he was finally going to get sick as something bent and bounced back inside him. Blaming the alcohol was the right thing to do. Not the hidden pining he had been experiencing for nearly a year now. Not the longing feelings he had towards his best mate that squeezed him painfully seeing him beaming with his baby sister spinning around with another twirl.
Ginny was absolutely beautiful in the tight white dress that made her glow with the candles around the open dance floor. Rhinestones shimmering with the occasional turn if he was paying attention. Most of the time though his eyes stayed on Harry while they moved. His black hair blended in naturally amongst the dark, and his olive skin made his own white shirt shine a bit.
“No I don’t want to say goodnight. I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams…”
Closing his eyes he figured that was time to say goodnight. Anything more was just starting to get to be too much. It was his time to leave and let them be. Plus in his dreams were the only time he was able to find peace, and be all he wanted with Harry. Which was more than he ever should think about..
“Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight. Just a touch of the fire burning so bright...”
What he felt was wrong on so many levels. Opening his eyes even then he was unable to tear his eyes away from them. From him.
“Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life. So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right…”
If he hadn't been filled to the brim with whisky he might have collapsed from the mere memory of when his internal suffering truly began. It had been like an awakening. A flash of lightning making everything visible around him before being encased back into the darkness where it belonged. He was sure people didn't randomly realize they had been in love with their best mate. That hardly anything felt right without him.
“With a kiss goodnight. Kiss goodnight…”
As the song slowly died Ron couldn’t make himself move, despite how much he wanted to. He wanted to leave. Say goodnight to everyone and no one as Harry and Ginny kissed under the moonlight. It was tender, and not nearly as painful as he had expected. Which he supposed was a good thing.
That’s when he felt it happened, and knew he was over. Over everything. Like the board in his chest finally gave way. The one that had been weakening over the course of their engagement snapping in half. Dropping all the horrible feelings he had been carrying into a never ending emptiness where they couldn’t be found. The numbness he had craved took over his entire mind and body as it all zoned out around him.
Ron figured it was all perfecting time, or maybe even fate, that Ginny was pulled away by Luna. Assumingly to dance to the next song that was already starting to play. He only distantly heard it somewhere because he could hardly register anything. Especially when Harry turned to him. Seeming to pick him out of the large crowd of friends and family, across the entire yard easily.
His best mate was smiling at first when their eyes met. He knew how the green would appear like emeralds in the dim light, but he found himself neither craving the sight nor loathing having to face them with fake cheerfulness from before. The second positive of the evening so far.
Maybe Harry would have kept smiling if he would have been able to form his own, but his face slowly dropped and the smile faded. Ron knew it was because of his expression. Still he couldn't seem to change it. It was like his facial muscles wouldn’t work.
Perhaps this was where he would have finally broken down and cried if he wasn’t so far gone in more ways than one. The redhead hadn't allowed himself to cry often on the subject. Sometimes it had been inevitable though, and just happened. No matter how many times he had told the emotions that they were wrong they never seemed to leave him alone. Now it seemed they had finally caved to his will, but took the rest of himself along with them. If there was any more of himself to even take. Regardless at least he didn't have to worry about it anymore.
Tossing back the rest of another drink Ron let the glass fall down into the grass without a care as he savoured the faint burn. His eyes went back naturally, and lingered on an expressionless Harry. Vaguely he wondered if that was how he looked himself. That was a lie because he knew what he looked like. He had seen it in the mirror before the ceremony, and then again when he had visited the loo. The day drained the energy he had tried desperately to survive by, and in the now in the end that energy was completely gone.
Ron flicked his eyes over to Ginny. Surprisingly easy, as she laughed along with a group of her girlfriends. Bright and vibrant as ever getting all she had ever wanted.
Not even knowing what he was doing or going to do he turned away from the celebration. He didn’t even think of Harry. The only thing he thought was getting away from everyone, and going somewhere the moonlight wasn’t burning so bright. Somewhere he could be alone forever, and not have to come out for anything. No matter where that might be. Much like the numbness he craved it, but he knew it wouldn’t take more than the night to achieve it.