Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Dib should be home by now, Zim thought idly, deep in his base. And of course he knew when the human was returning- that was when Dib became an immediate threat again! It was only sensible to keep track of things. And so what if he was watching the bus stop where Dib was late . Stupid human government couldn’t even get busses to work. How hard was it to get a proper schedule going? Zim grumbled to himself, watching the screen, only to fall silent and sit up when, finally, the bus pulled in. A bus, at least- but it had to be the bus. Even if it was ten minutes late!

Ducking back, the Irken frowned as he watched humans slowly trundle out, fleshy meat sacks of wasted life and potential. They gathered bags near the side of the bus, stinking and gross. Zim scowled at the sight of it all. And then, suddenly, his lekku perked when a slim form appeared. He would recognize Dib anywhere, and despite the changes. 

The human kept his head low, a hood pulled up and hiding him from view. But over that was his usual trenchcoat, even more ratty than it had been, and patched with various bits of leather. Gathering his own bag, he didn’t seem to care about the crowd, or even look around, simply turning and heading away from the stupid bus. 

He didn’t… move right, Zim thought, frowning. Of course Dib had changed, he’d gone off, to get more learning, not that Zim saw much reason for that. But this… wasn’t the change that came with knowing more. There was no assurance, no pride, nothing that Zim had gained from his own lessons. Dib was tired- and that was expected, intense studies made one tired, but this was a different tiredness, an unnatural tiredness. He looked… he looked like one of those stupid chicken people handing out meat from the little windows. Only not so meaty, Zim thought.

Ugh. It was so gross to think about. Then again, whatever they were doing to the Dib-human could be useful. Maybe it was something in the water that stupid humans drank, or a different food found only in whatever place had been for learning. Or maybe something else? But what could it be? 

Well, the obvious answer was to just go and find out. It was too obvious, in fact, and Zim immediately dismissed the idea. He could listen in, right! To Dib telling his family-unit all about his time at the place, that would work! ...Or it would if either of them actually gave Dib any attention at all. Zim slouched, lekku drooping. That wouldn’t work. Plan b- “Why doesn’t he keep a research notebook! Arg!” Of course, that had nothing to do with Dib’s last five notebooks being found variously by Gaz, Tak, and Zim himself, of course!

That led to Plan c. It wouldn’t be easy, considering the Dib’s ability to sniff him out. Out of all of the people on the stupid dirt ball of filth, Dib was the one that was most likely to notice him, and anything he did. Most importantly, Dib was the one most likely to notice he was being watched. After a moment, Zim stood, scowling. “Gir! Get me my disguise!” he ordered. 

“Oakaly-dokie!” came the cheerful answer, and then there was just the sound of Gir moving. Zim tapped his fingers against his armrest, waiting, only to reach out and grab the components of his disguise as Gir dropped them. Ahh, even Gir’s nature was no match for Zim’s own greatness!

“Now, to go and squeeze the answers from the cheese-tube that is Dib!” Zim proclaimed, laughing to himself as he prepared to go out. His disguise was greatly improved, with a better wig- far easier to maintain, and less scratchy lenses for his eyes. Really, it was pure genius to modify stupid human clothing into something less terrible and more in line with Irken sensibilities. 

He didn’t look as good in his disguise, of course, but nothing could really hide the magnificence that was Zim, he knew- and really, the humans could take some lessons from his stylish taste! Not that it would happen, with everyone here much too dim to recognize true brilliance. Scowling, Zim took to the streets. Luckily, Gaz and the professor were much too blind to question his arrival.

Really, the professor beast didn’t even seem to notice, anyway. Gaz didn’t care- or at least, Zim assumed that was the case, when he didn’t see her around. The stupid human domicile was just the same as ever- or maybe more so empty and pitiful. Or maybe he was used to Gir and the SIR unit’s ‘homey’ touches. Cases of working together, and even the years of fighting meant that he knew exactly where Dib’s unit room was, though. 

Zim paused a moment before the door before fully realizing what he was doing, and he shook himself once he did. Hesitation? Never! “Dib! I am here to determine the reason for your unnatural exhaustion!” he declared, throwing open the door. It took a moment for him to actually find Dib, even though his enemy was laying on the bed in plain view. He was just… too tired.

“What are you- what the hell? Zim?” Dib sat up, then rolled his eyes and flopped back down. “Whatever, Zim. Get out of my room, and my house , alien scum.” It was said with no venom, not even the bare minimum that Zim had come to expect. 

That got a longer pause from Zim, from sheer surprise. “Ha! That just proves my point! What did they dooo to you, in that place they sent you to learn? You do not seem to have learned anything. Your head isn’t even larger! Tell Zim! Now!” the Irken demanded, pointing at Dib dramatically. It fell rather flat, since the human was barely even looking.

Dib rolled his eyes again. “What are you talking about? And how did you know I was back? I didn’t tell anyone.” He did turn his head, a little, looking Zim up and down. “Nice, space boy. I can’t even see the line of your wig any more.” Waving a hand, he snorted. “Scratch that, I don’t care. Get out.” 

“It’s new. So are the contacts, they itch less,” Zim answered, turning his head so Dib could see just how perfectly he was mimicking the filthy human race. A moment later and he was back to pointing, scowling mightily at Dib. “And that! That is exactly what I am talking about! You do not wish to hear how Zim is grown ever more adept at sneaking? Perhaps soon, I shall sneak to… President-land! And then I shall conquer - Dib? You’re- you’re not looking at me.”

At least the Dib sat up. Zim frowned as he stood. It wasn’t fair that Zim had grown taller, but the stupid Dib human had yet still gotten taller. Actually, he was another few bleets bigger. Fixing his glasses, he raised a brow, then pulled his trenchcoat from where it’d been tossed. “Sure. Do whatever you want, Zim. I couldn’t give a fuck if you asked me to, at this point,” he said. 

That was different, that was wrong . Zim frowned, trying to stand taller and not succeeding. “Then… you… have no reason not to tell me what they did to you! So… Tell meee! ...Why don’t you care now?” That place was worse than he had thought- no, more effective. Zim thought a moment, then poked Dib, just to check.

“Zim, they didn’t do anything to me. Other than the usual shit that is being a college skool student. Why would you care, anyway?” Dib threw his coat on, then yanked his backpack from the floor, slinging it over a shoulder. Looking down at where Zim had poked him, he huffed, then put a hand at Zim’s chest, shoving him backwards. “Now, get out.” 

“Do not push me! I am great! I am mighty ! And I do not care . But this may be useful . Look at you! You are so tired, I could do anything . How should I not wish to know such knowledge?” Zim answered, catching himself on the doorframe. Even the push hadn’t been strong, nothing like the blows Zim knew that Dib could provide, if he wished to. “What is involved in this… college skool? Wasn’t skool and hi-skool enough?”

Dib scowled back, at least. “Yeah I’m tired Zim, I just finished finals. College is like hi-skool, but more. It’s not anything that the internet can’t tell you. It’s meant for people for… a lot of reasons.” He brushed by Zim, heading for the stairs. “There isn’t anything useful, you jerk, you’re just being weird as hell. As usual.” 

“You were not like this in hi-skool! What has Dib even learned? You do not move as one who has learned! Zim knoows !” Zim frowned again, as Dib simply continued moving, shoulders dropping a little. “...What horrors are ‘finals’?” What had brought Dib to this extreme? Dib, who had stood up to everything Zim had thrown at him!

“They’re just tests, Zim. Do you remember the last tests of the year? Like that, but a lot harder, okay? Happy? God, leave me alone, space boy. How, or why you knew I was home, I don’t even want to know. It’s weird.” Zim followed Dib as he spoke, frowning and narrowing his eyes. 

“Of course Zim remembers the puny tests !” the Irken answered, narrowing his eyes right back. Finally, Dib was starting to come out of the weird lethargy! That was… good to know, for research purposes! “This is not Dib’s reaction to tests! Monkey-Dib, you will tell Zim what you have learned!” Zim did believe that Dib couldn’t do that, because no skool here had taught anything, why should college be any different?

Dib rubbed his face with a hand. “No, Zim. It wasn’t learning, it was memorizing stupidity and then regurgitating it for grades, just like with hi-skool. I don’t understand why you’re obsessing over this. Leave me alone, you fucking alien menace.” He slipped out the door to the house, slamming it in Zim’s face and knocking the Irken back more than he would ever admit.

Rubbing his face, Zim looked blankly at the offending wood for a moment, before shaking his fist. “You dare stand in the way of Zim ? But yet… this may be useful…” He looked around, realizing this was on of the rare times he was actually unsupervised in the house. “Yeess… Zim shall study, and spy, and learn what horrors these finals truly are!” he proclaimed, before heading right back up to Dib’s room, entirely forgetting that the human had taken his bag. Hopefully it wasn’t the one with the important stuff in it.

Zim made a low hissing noise in the back of his throat, then started looking for the big bag he’d seen Dib carry, the one he’d gathered from the stupid bus and it’s gross people, But Dib’s room was a mess. How the human could work in such a space- or for that matter, with how much on his stupid monkey-face. There was even more metal jewl-eree on the Dib’s face than before his leaving. Eventually, Zim spotted the big duffel bag, grinning widely and grabbing it with a clawed pak-arm. 

The first thing that hit Zim when he opened the bag was how it smelled . Either Dib had decided that he no longer believed in doing laundry, or… something more horrible. Zim wasn’t sure, and he was confused- Dib had always been clean, for a human monkey. For this result… well, Zim could really only imagine, but that was another point for this new skool to be something horrible. Thankfully he didn’t have to actually touch anything in there in his search for… books, or really, he’d settle for ‘not clothes’.

Tipping the bag, Zim glowered at the fabric that spilled out. At the bottom he did finally find actual books, blinking at them. Advanced math and science- of course, the Dib was a child of that ridiculous professor. It only made sense that he would take sciences. Notebooks and other bits and bobs were also at the bottom, along with a number of things for Zim to explore. 

Most of the things did seem to be skool things, though the calculator was more fancy than the ones they had been allowed to use in hi-skool. Zim poked it a little, before huffing and tossing it over his shoulder. “Inferior technology! Probably can’t even get the first thousand digits of pi…” he muttered, digging for the next thing. A strange squishy ball was next, stored away after a couple squeezes, and then Zim picked up one of the books from curiosity.

It was filled with figures and notes. Dib’s swirly scrawl filled margins and little post-it notes scattered on pages with bright highlighted text. Zim recognized some of the study habits of the human beast, though he was confused. There were a great many texts, and this first was large and heavy, and much of it had been marred with Dib’s pen. 

The science, of course, was far behind anything the Irken Empire had, but that only confused Zim more. Dib should have no problems with such simple concepts- Zim had seen what the man could do. Most of the filthy, disgusting humans here would never understand them, so it made sense enough that it was being taught , but not that Dib should be so tired- or had to have studied so much. Though… there were a lot of books. A lot of classes, a lot to learn… maybe? Perhaps he was overestimating the Dib.

He was working on another of the texts when the soft sound of footsteps heralded Dib’s return. The human took a look at him, then huffed. “What the fuck, Zim?” he asked, walking in. From his fingers dangled a plastic bonded six cans. For a moment, Zim thought it was poop soda. But then he caught sight of the label. Beers. Dib sighed, coat falling off his shoulders in a heap, before he sat on his bed. “Find exactly nothing, Zim? I told you. Now can you please just leave?” He yanked a can from the plastic, then opened it. 

Zim blinked at the sight, then shrugged to himself. What did it matter to him if Dib was drinking? Zim enjoyed relaxing too, and it wasn't any worse than that horrible soda. “Zim does not believe you. These paltry informations should be no trouble for Dib. I have seen your ability, and while it is miniscule compared to Zim’s own, it is far beyond that of the other meatbag humans!” Zim said, ignoring the issue of why he was here. That was evident, and the opinion of the Dib did not matter.

“...Thanks, I think,” Dib said, taking a long drink, before shrugging. “Yeah, it wasn’t bad, it was just a lot. I took triple the classes as anyone else. It really doesn’t matter, though, Zim. You’re imagining things again, like the time you thought Gaz would take the time to actually try sneaking into your base.” It was hilarious hearing that from the Dib. 

“You… chose to make yourself so tired? ...That is not like Dib. The Dib-monkey would take twice the classes, and make himself tired because he is chasing stink-beasts and hairy feets. Not because he is studying what he does not need!” Somewhere in the statement, Zim went from pacing to facing Dib, shaking a finger at him. “...And Zim’s base may be the base for more ‘video games’. Gaz would be foolish not to want that!”

Dib rolled his eyes, again, then took another drink of his beer. “Yeah. I did some of that, too,” he said. “But I didn’t have much choice. I need to finish my degree as fast as possible, so I can get the fuck out of here. And not come back.” He reached out, smacking Zim’s hand away from his face. “Knock it off, Zim. Shouldn’t you be happy that I don’t care about your stupid plans?” 

“Dee-gree? Why is that needed to leave? Zim has no degree! Zim needs none!” Zim looked at his slapped hand, frowning, then back at Dib. “Where are you going to go? ...Ah. Tell me, and perhaps I shall take over there last! Yes, if you are ceding this horrible planet to me, then that is the least I can do!” And there were races out there who thought Irkens knew nothing of gratitude! Zim wanted to laugh about that, but he was more concerned with Dib at the moment. “...And Zim’s plans are not stupid! They are great, and marvelous, and brilliant !”

“That’s none of your business, Zim,” Dib answered. “And I am going to go somewhere. I don’t fucking care where, as long as it’s not in this stupid ass town, with its stupid people.” He shrugged. “Which is why you didn’t take over while I was gone, right? Come on, you dufus. I’m not worried about you.” 

“...Worried about Zim as what I’ll do, or worried about me as is Zim okay?” the Irken asked, frowning. “Curse your imprecise language,” he added, before poking Dib again. He pulled away before Dib could strike him again, and went back to flipping through the textbooks and notebooks. “Zim does not answer to you. No opportunities arose! But next time Dib leaves and returns, I shall be sure to have a most glorious welcome prepared!”

Something flashed in Dib’s eyes, before he blurted, “ Why ?” Finishing his drink, he ran a hand through his hair, messy and at least the normal that was Dib. “No one gives a fuck about me being back. Which, I still can’t believe you did. Maybe I won’t even be back.” Tossing the can into the trash can, he yanked another out of the pack, then opened it. “Do what you want, Zim. You’re not listening. As usual. I don’t care about your stupid plans.” 

“Zim is not no one!” Zim snapped, not thinking about what he said, and grabbed one of the cans himself. Alcohol wasn’t amazing for his system, but it wasn’t any worse than most of the stuff he’d consumed here, and who knew what Dib would do if he consumed the whole pack? “...Dib cannot got back to college skool. They have destroyed! my best enemy ! The only one who truly appreciates Zim’s greatness!” Gir didn’t count, and Tak still tried to pretend he didn’t exist, when she wasn’t undermining him.

Dib looked at him, then huffed. “What are you on about now?” he asked. “You should be happy, you stupid alien. Take over Earth, kill us all, blah blah blah, whatever.” He raised a hand in the human motion for talking, then rotated his wrist and finger. “Come on, Zim. What is wrong with you , huh? You’re acting weird. And I’m going back. I have a couple of semesters left and I’m done.” 

Zim just looked, then heaved the book he was holding onto the bed, idly noticing that the place seemed cleaner somehow. “...You believe none of that. What good is a dee-gree to Dib if Zim kills him?” And that meant that Dib didn’t think that Zim would kill everyone. Zim did have to agree that his track record so far supported that, but wasn’t his word good for anything anymore? At the same time, and as much as it galled Zim, Dib was right. He should take advantage of this time to finally achieve his too-long delayed goals.

Dib shrugged, then huffed. “Again, why do you care? You shouldn’t care, especially if you’re going to supposedly ‘kill’ me, you jerk. You’re making less sense than usual.” Taking a long swig of his drink, he flopped down onto the bed, only to sit back up a second later. “Seriously, Zim. Did you experiment on yourself again and fuck it up this time?”

“Zim does not ‘fuck up’!” Zim answered, opening his can and drinking half of it before tasting it. He frowned at the can when the taste did hit, then shrugged. It was surprisingly not horrible, and that was the best Zim had come to expect from anything here. “You are not making sense. This new skool has made you stupid! More stupid.” Or, possibly, it was lack of sleep that had done that. “Fine! I shall go, and plan great plans of planness! And Dib shall rue the day he told Zim he didn’t care!” Zim finished the can, frowning again at it, and then turned towards the door. Maybe Dib just needed sleep- he had been tired after hi-skool tests too. Not this exhausted, but… And Zim could use that time!

“Whatever, Zim,” Dib said. That was all he said, flopping back onto his bed with a low sound. Zim stomped down the steps and out of the house while still overly frustrated with the human, and this new skool that was such a blasted drain on the stupid Dib and his usual vigor. And even with the upgrades to his disguise, Zim was more than happy to get to his base and get the stupid thing off of his person.

The first thing he did, after restoring his own glorious appearance, was to put one of feeds of Dib’s room on a smaller screen. The human had stopped drinking, and was poking around in his room, apparently making some effort at organizing. Zim shrugged, and set the computer to look up more about ‘college’, as well as ‘degrees’ and the whole point of them. It was… interesting, in a way, the way humans had so many jobs within their own species. Zim wondered, sometimes, what the result of such a disgusting, disorganized species reaching space might be- and then he remembered that he’d been here much too long, and usually went to clean up.

As he got into the wilder and more horrifying stories of this new skool. It was no wonder that the Dib was not himself if he was doing chemical ingestion of more poison than usual. Not to mention the tortures of plead-ging. Even Irken elite training wasn't- well, no. It was that harsh. But at least it had a point! In the middle of glancing back at the screen-of-Dib, Zim made a horrified sound as the human drank a beer in one hand, and started clearing out his room, trashing large sections of what made the human himself. 

This was terrible . Too terrible to use, even! How could Dib have gone there? How could those who claimed to care for him, who knew what went on, let him go? Unless their desire was to break Dib, which Zim could see. That was what made the Dib-human bearable- he was unlike his species enough, and they were, just barely, smart enough to fear him, though they didn’t realize what they were doing. “Gir! Get over here!”

There was a sound of screaming, and then Gir appeared next to him, a bag of chocolates in the process of being devoured. “Yes my master?” he shrieked, saluting, before dropping his hand to shove into the bag, which was dripping on the ground. “Are we getting tacos? Tacos!” he added, screaming. 

“No! No tacos!” Zim snapped, perfectly aware there was still a decent chance of ending up with tacos. They were also one of the things that was… less gross than other stuff, as long as Gir didn’t make them. “The Dib is currently throwing out various items. Who knows what treasure of knowledge may be in there? ...Or trading figures. I’m missing Captain Taxman.” Zim froze apart from his lekku, which wiggled a little in pleasure from the idea of completing the collection. The mood only lasted a moment, and then he pointed at Gir. “ You ! Will go and get them! Yes, you will collect what Dib throws out, and bring it here! And you will be unseen !”

“But I want theeeeem!” Gir shrieked. A second later, and he was simply screaming, until Zim gave in with a low growl, and his screams turned to laughter. Rushing off to get his dog costume- also improved- he danced around in his typical manner, and Zim sighed. His work on getting Gir up to snuff was… slower than he liked. 

Looking back at the screen-of-Dib a few minutes later, he gave a low yell of frustration at the sight of Gir sitting on the Dib’s bed with a massive tray of tacos, while the human sighed and continued working. 

Despite his frustration, this wasn’t really anything that Zim hadn’t expected. He also wasn’t really surprised when Gir bullied the human into sitting and eating the tacos, though it was rather insulting. Dib should be scared of Gir! Not having a conversation about… Zim listened, one lekku moving closer to the speaker, and sighed. Collectable figures, of course Gir was talking about that. Whatever, it gave him time to look up others who had completed Dib’s college skool. He knew enough about it now to know their weaknesses, he was sure, and then he could strike !

Of course he was disappointed in finding out that the professor fool was one such person who had done that. Very soon, he found himself planning. Keeping the Dib from finishing could be an idea- though that could be done in many ways. Letting the human finish posed the risk of him being completely gone. He wondered about that. 

Taking over would be easier with the human gone, but Zim barely even considered that. There was no glory in an easy victory! There was only victory, with no grand tale, nothing for future Invaders to learn about and look up to. Invaders who gained easy victories were celebrated, and then forgotten, and Zim would not allow that for himself! He was Zim, and all would know his name, and remember it for all time! Maybe he’d even let some humans live, so they could spread their frightened tales… “Fah! Zim is getting off track. This skool must go! Yes, and it shall hurt the humans, to have their puny place of learning destroyed…!” Maybe he should just send Gir and let things happen.

Looking back at what was going on, he found Gir gone, and the human’s room was spotless. He was on another drink, though, or had been. The camera was half kicked over, askew in a way that made him think that it was Gir’s fault. Laying on the bed, the human was probably asleep, turned away from the camera. It was still wrong, and strange, and he was starting to hate how it was making him feel. 

Zim continued watching, to be sure the human wasn’t just pretending and would interfere with planning, until Gir was calling from above. Thankfully, the malfunctioning SIR unit didn’t bring the items he’d gathered down into Zim’s lab, the Irken thought- At least, until he went up and actually saw how much stuff Gir had grabbed.

“Das was fun! We had tacos and talked, an’ then I was able to get everything!” Still in his discuss, Gir wiggled back and forth, holding quite a large bag of things. Zim wasn’t even sure how he’d carried it, really.

Unfortunately, that included actual trash, including the emptied beer cans and some old clothing that was around in the room from before. It certainly still smelled better than what had been in Dib human’s bag. Other bits of what was thrown away included notes on all of the paranorm-al investing that he had made in youth, half a dozen books on the subject, and, to Zim’s surprise, information on him , all of it. Really, it showed that this wasn't some human trick.

Zim kept everything interesting, of course. The human was right about aliens, so there was a chance, however slim, that he was right about literally any of the other stuff. A good soldier was always prepared, after all! The actual trash was thrown away, despite Gir’s trying to hold on to it, and Zim gave up fighting about the clothing. Gir was entirely too fond of running around with it draped around him, and that fell under the category of not worth fighting about. The items also showed that he might not have time to let Gir loose in the college. Then again, quick strikes were always better.

At least it didn’t stink more than the usual smell of the Dib. Zim huffed as he picked up another of the clothing pieces in two claws and sniffed it. Dear Irk, it was sad when he found the smell of a human to be not that bad. Then again, this was the only human that he thought was worth any attention. “Gir! Get over here and stop with what you’re doing!” 

Gir gave a musical hum and wandered over, most of a beer can in his mouth. Zim didn’t even question it, though he did glance at the trash to make sure that it hadn’t been upended. “You, go, and… Watch where Dib goes. Yes… we shall see how effective this assimilation skool truly is!” And maybe… maybe the reminder that he wasn’t wrong would somehow restore things to their rightful balance, until Dib was a worthy opponent once again. Zim didn’t watch as Gir saluted and wandered off, finishing the beer can as he went. He needed to find out how long Dib was going to be here, and how long he had to act.

He didn’t have time to do much before the Dib was gone again. Gir’s terrible spying skills didn’t get the human back on track to being a good enemy any more. If anything, all it did was annoy him, and even that was lax. None of the human-Dib’s family cared when he was around, and none of them cared when he left. It was infuriating . 

So, a new plan was needed. What better could he do than to infiltrate this new skool? He’d survived plenty of others, he could to do this new one, too. He would need a new base in this new place, sure, but he could get that, and more.  

Bases were meant to be mobile, but Zim ran into problems when he first scouted the area to try and find a place to put said base. He finally decided that, well, he wasn’t going to be here long. A temporary base would be fine, he was sure. The skool even had designated places for students, which was certainly to better control them. It was foolproof ! And after that was all decided, the specific place he should stay became clear- and it would let him keep a close eye on Dib! It was perfect !