Chapter Text
After somewhat successfully stopping the apocalypse the Hargreeves siblings needed a vacation. They did deserve it after all. Allison had booked them a week's stay at a "lovely mansion" turned hotel called the Button House as a sort of Happy Birthday/Congrats on saving the world gift. It was run by a young woman and her husband in a Bed and Breakfast style. It was quaint, peaceful, and most importantly, far, far away from the Academy. So that is how all six of them (plus Ben, who was along for the ride as usual) ended up in an old SUV being chauffeured through the English countryside by their robot mother.
It had taken a whole lot of convincing on Allison's part, without Rumors since she was working on being a more honest person. Eventually, though, the family agreed to act normal. Or as normal as they knew how to be, which is quite the low bar. Five agreed (reluctantly) to stay with the family in the car, as opposed to jumping straight to the hotel. Allison insisted that both she and Vanya sit next to each other. To separate Luther and Diego, if nothing more. This unfortunately ended Five in the very back seat with Luther and Klaus. Diego ended up pouting in the passenger's seat as Grace took the wheel, even though she was the only one in the car that could even drive in this country (Pogo had added a worldwide road safety program into her software when he updated her last).
Five was pissed, to say the least. He would much rather be sipping margaritas on the beach, or even just sleeping in his bed at the Academy. He wasn't going to be doing that any time soon and with every elbow bump from Klaus (he kept waving to people on the street?) he was getting closer and closer to just ignoring what Allison asked. He's 58 years old, goddammit. Yet the tiny part of him that wants to reconnect with his family is holding him back. He scoffs as Luther knocks into him when the car hits a bump, thinking, "Not sure how long that's going to last".
Klaus on the other hand was getting ready for the time of his life. Although so far England seems to be taking the cake when it comes to spectral activity most of the ghosts just seemed to be doing their own thing. None of them seemed to be trying to track him down when he waved at them through the back window. So he spent the whole car ride through the city with his face pressed up against the glass like a 3rd grader. But as the living population decreased, so did the non-living, unfortunately. So at the loss of his one form of entertainment (he did have his music player at the beginning of the trip but Five broke it after Klaus' 'dancing' got too annoying), he let out a rather obnoxious sigh.
"Are we there yet?" Klaus whined, earning an eye roll from both Five and Ben, "It feels like we've been driving for hours."
Five was thinking of all the ways that he could kill Klaus, through gritted teeth he replied, "We've only been driving for 15 minutes, Klaus"
Vanya shifts in her seat and turns back to look at the two with sleepy eyes. She rubs her eyes and yawns. She then leans forward, asking Grace, "Where exactly are we?"
Grace turns from the road to respond, "We will arrive at our destination at approximately 10:45 AM British Summer Time, September 30th. It is currently 50 degrees Fahren-"
"I got this mom," Diego says softly, placing a hand gently on his mother's shoulder. He hardened and translated, "20 minutes, Dipshit."
Grace smiled one of her signature smiles, turning her full attention back to the road, "Be nice to your brother, Diego."
"So what's going on with this place," Klaus asks, leaning over Vanya's seat to get closer to Allison, "It's like in the middle of nowhere and hella old looking. How did you even find it?"
Allison looks up from her phone to reply, "It seemed like a good retreat, and it isn't a. . . cabin"
She pauses for a moment and swallows but Klaus seems satisfied with that answer. Or at least he moves along.
"Hey! Why don't we play a road trip game?" Klaus asks.
Ben turns and looks at him with an expression that says 'really?'.
"OH! Ninety-none bottles of booze on the wall! Ninety-"
Five is barely held back from strangling Klaus by Luther.
~~~
Meanwhile, at the Button House, another Alison (this one with only one "L") was holding a meeting with a crowd of her (reluctant) ghost roommates. She had made the mistake of letting them know that they were having hotel guests over. After all, this had been Alison and Mike's plan since they had originally moved in. The ghosts all were voicing their complaints quite loudly and without giving each other air to speak. But they were dead, the only thing they could do about it was complain.
"Alright!" Alison shouted above them, they all settled down a bit in surprise and she took advantage of this, "Well it's gone and been done. There's nothing you lot can do about it now."
An annoyed mumble of agreement spread through their ranks. She was right, as usual.
"Now then," Alison continued, "The only thing that I am asking you to do is to do the absolute minimum, to not bother them. That means you, Robin, don't touch the lights. Julian, you keep your hands to yourself, no pushing things into places no one can reach because I know that's you. And overall just, keep to yourselves."
"Preposterous!" Fanny exclaimed indignantly, " this is my house and I shouldn't have to listen to the likes of you!"
"My house now, Fanny," Alison retorted, "The deed was passed down to me."
Fanny scoffed, storming out of the room through the nearest wall with an upturned nose. Alison sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Right, anyone else?"
The Captain cleared his voice, straightening his back further and tucking his baton under his arm. "Quite alright Alison, we'll agree to your terms. But- "
"Yes, I will be putting on the Tank documentary," Alison says without missing a beat.
The captain clears his throat again with a little sway on his feet, "Jolly good, carry on."
"We'll stay out of their ways, Miss Alison, and try not to be a bother to yous and Mike." Mary squeaked.
"Good. Anyone else need anything?" Alison asks the congregation of the dead.
Thomas raised his hand.
"No, Thomas."
He lowered his hand, pouting in disappointment. The rest of the ghosts mumbled agreements
"Right on," Alison said, "Pat since you're the most responsible one, make sure that Humphrey and his body stay out of trouble."
"Well, I don't know about that," Pat blushed, ignoring the indignant cries from his fellow ghosts, "but you can count on me, Alison!"
"Great. Now go do, whatever is you do," Alison waved them off and quickly left. After all, there was still plenty for her to do before their guests arrived.
The ghosts themselves dispersed to go about their business. Pat left the room carrying Humphrey's decapitated head to search for the rest of him. Robin had already settled himself back in front of the chessboard motioning wildly for Julian to join him. While Thomas gazed wistfully out of the window in his 'sighing place'. His artistic brooding was interrupted by the every joyful Kitty, unfortunately.
She happily sat beside the poet, her dark hands folded together in her lap, "Oh isn't this exciting? Our first visitors! I do hope that they are friendly."
"On the contrary, " Thomas lamented, "These, people, will do nothing but bring despair upon this house! Their life will restlessly taunt us! And my poor, beloved Alison shall be worked to the bone catering for these. . . mongrels! Oh my dearest, how shall I continue on without the sight of -"
"Ooh! A carriage! They're here!" Kitty squealed, effectively cutting off Thomas.
The Captain snapped (quite literally) up to his feet from the lunge he had previously held. He swiftly made his way, with the other ghosts, to the window to catch the first view of their new house guests. He leaned in next to Julian swanning his neck to get a proper view.
"Why does it look as if it has been eatin' too much foods?" Mary asks peeking her ash-covered face over Thomas' shoulder.
"How many guests did Alison say were going to be staying?" Julian asks, adjusting his tie, which didn't exactly do much to improve the professionalism of his look.
The Captain peered over the bridge of his nose, "I don't think that she mentioned it, typical."
"Of course she didn't," Fanny scoffed, re-entering the common room in a disgusted rage, "That little charlatan thinks that just because we're dead that she can just let any assortment of heathens waltz in and give them free-reign of our house. I will not stand for it!"
She was more than ready to find Alison and give her a piece of her mind. But the Captain stopped her with a well-placed block with his swagger stick.
"Steady on, Fanny," He says, resetting his posture, "First, we must assess our enemy in order to employ an effective counter-attack. We will observe. Then we will use the skills at our disposal to drive them out."
She scowls and folds her arms, but stays to watch the new arrivals with the rest of the deceased. Drama averted they all returned to watching the SUV in the gravel drive. Though, now there was a boy outside of it. He was wearing what appeared to be a boarding school uniform. Even from the second-floor window, they could see the scowl adorning his face. As the back door of the vehicle opened, he rolled his eyes and adjusted his blazer. A woman emerged as more doors opened. She began to scold the boy as the rest of the occupants left the car.
"Ooh! They have a boy," Kitty cheered, "it's been so long since there have been children in Button House!"
"And for good reason," Fanny replied distastefully.
It seemed with every person they seemed to get odder, the ghosts observed. The first woman was dressed nicely like the women at the weddings the Button House had previously hosted, but the next person to exit was a man who rather looked like it was the first time he had ever dressed by himself. Not that anything was wrong with the mostly unbuttoned shirt that had a rather tacky pattern on it (nor was there anything right with it, in all honesty). Then was a woman, who at first glance, appeared to be dressed in men's clothes with blue jeans tucked into work boots rather poorly. Fanny nearly fainted on the spot.
Out of the driver's side, stepped out the perfect model of a 1960's housewife, all the way from her hairstyle to her shoes. This caused Julian to illicit a wolf whistle and tighten up his tie as he made a rather filthy joke. The ghosts dismissed him with a roll of the eyes and a groan, as usual. She joined up with the Tacky one to begin to unload luggage from the trunk of their car.
A thin, pale man tumbled out next. This man caused a deep gasp of disgust to emit from Fanny. He was dressed in what appeared to be the scraps clothes that were found outside of a strip club: leather pants, an obnoxiously bright colored shirt, and a rather patchy black coat with fur around the cuffs. The area around his eyes was so dark that he appeared to be wearing a mask.
Thomas was the next to respond in exasperation, "By God, is it a clown car? Where do they all keep coming from?"
Right after he makes this comment, the final occupant emerges from the car. The entire car rocked as quite possibly the largest man that the ghosts had ever seen in their lives (or deaths for that manner) struggled through the door opening. The man looked as if he could easily rip the car in half if he wanted to and it was fair to say that his arms were about the size of the closest person's torso.
"Good lord," the Captain coughed.
Robin grunted, "Gorilla"
Pat enters the room with a smile on his face and squeezes his way into the window, "What'd I miss?"
"Quite a lot, Patrick," Captain replied, clearing his throat as he tried to pry his eyes away from the gargantuan man, "I'll- ehem- fill you in at 1100 hours."
The boy seemingly had enough of being lectured and simply turned on his heel to walk away. A rather miffed woman following him. They were so taken by the strange new guests that they neglected to notice the man with his hoodie drawn all the way up. It just so happened that was staring right at the window they were standing at in total shock.