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He could feel the alcohol in his veins like the wind in between his feathers.
He was used to soaring the skies, but this height felt different. When Hawks looked down, he didn’t feel that pull, the motivation, the drive to keep going. He felt… nothing. Well, he did feel quite dizzy, but that had more to do with the bottle in his hand than the fact that he had his legs thrown over the ledge of a very high building.
The nothingness didn’t feel like nothing to Hawks. It was a weight in his stomach, keeping him grounded and steady on the floor, and very, very far away from the freedom he oh, so desperately craved.
So, he drank. Because drinking is supposed to make you feel lighter, right?
Of course, nothing can ever go his way, so when Hawks drank, the weight got heavier and heavier, to the point where he felt his feet sinking on the floor, rough hands grabbing him by the ankles, and a chain around his neck. He jumped into the air when he started to feel hands on his shoulders, trying to get away from the ground and the hands and the chains as fast as his intoxicated body allowed him to. Quick, panicked eyes searched for the highest point they could find, the spot that would bring him the closest to the sky, the closest to the stars.
When he found it, he managed an awkward landing and took some wobbly steps to regain his balance, then, he looked up, his eyes immediately going west, easily finding Orion and, specifically, Rigel, the brightest in the constellation. At the sight of the stars, the weight subsided a little. Just enough for him to breathe normally again.
And there he was now. Japan’s number two hero, drinking alone on top of a building because he was… what? Afraid? Afraid of what, the floor?
Hawks scoffed and after one last swing of the bottle, he threw it up and over the edge. His misty eyes following its movement. Upwards, until it reached its highest point, where it stopped and started the race back to earth. Hawks didn’t look to see it smash and break, he didn’t need to. His gaze was back in the stars by the time the muffled crash reached his ears.
He was still looking up when Dabi found him.
Hawks didn’t remove his gaze from the sky when the other man opened the heavy, creaking, metal door and appeared under the frame, his mouth open, like he was trying to say something, but the heavy panting and the lasting influence of the alcohol on his tongue made it impossible for any words to come out. With his hands on his knees, he tried to recompose himself and get back his breath. Hawks didn’t even seem to realize he was there.
“What the hell was that, man? Who just takes off in the middle of a conversation?” His feet dragged on the floor as he walked, like he couldn't be bothered to lift them. “You made me run to catch up, and then I had to climb, like, a million stairs to get to this stupid roof. Hawks. C’mon, are you even liste-“
“I envy you, you know.” That had sobered him up alright. Hawks didn’t even glance at him when he said that, and Dabi kind of hoped he had, only so that he could see the look on his eyes and figure out just what the fuck that meant.
“I- You- What?” Dabi’s face morphed from confusion, to anger, to confusion again, just to settle in a middle ground, with his frown a little less prominent than when he was actually angry about something. “Are you shitting me right now? Haw- Keigo, look at me.”
He did.
“There’s nothing to envy about me, what the fuck are you saying? People look up to you, Hero. I’m the scum of the earth, quite literally. My fucking job is to kidnap highschoolers and- This isn’t fucking funny, you know.” His frown deepened when Hawks started giggling.
“It’s just that-” he snorted a little, and covered his mouth with one of his gloved hands. “When you said- When you put it like that...” He couldn't continue, the giggles falling freely from in between his fingers, pushing the words away.
All Dabi could do was stare, his eyebrows shot up to his hairline and mouth was agape. Looking down, he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, raising his body temperature just enough so that the cold air of the night didn’t bother him.
His eyes snapped open and his head shot up when, after a few moments, he heard a sniffle. Hawks giggles had turned into sobs when he wasn’t looking, the hand now firmly pressed against his mouth trying to suppress them, while tears painted black streamed down his cheeks from his now ruined eyeliner.
“Woah, hey there. What-”
“You got away.” Dabi froze. The sentence was barely above a whisper, but they shook his body as if Keigo had yelled at him. “You got away, Touya, and you- and you left me behind. I went years thinking you were dead, and-” a choked sob cut off his words.
Dabi could only watch, his mind somewhere else entirely, a place he thought he had left behind, he forced himself to leave behind, locked and hidden, for no one, not even himself, to ever find again. And there he had him, the very reason he ever considered returning, dragging the memories back.
Right there, Dabi wished he was still Touya.
He wished he could comfort Hawks, like all those times Touya had comforted Keigo when his handlers where extra rough with him, the Touya that had preened his wings after a specially brutal training session, the Touya that Keigo trusted more than anyone else in his miserable life. And he specially, desperately, with all of his twisted, scarred heart, wished he was the Touya that trusted Keigo without a second thought, without having to question if who made the decisions was Keigo, or if it was Hawks.
“I didn’t believe them, when they told me you had- that you were gone. They had to muzzle me while I slept to keep me from waking up screaming your name.” Dabi winced remembering the tiny scar right under the blond’s chin.
“The first few years I kind of hoped you would come back and take me with you. Then, I just wanted to know that you were still alive.” Hawks finally moved the hand away from his face and gave him an empty version of his hero smile. “I gave up on that right around the time rumours of the League started popping up on the news”
Dabi openly gaped at him after that. It hadn’t been that long since the League started to show up in the news. Did Hawks really have that much faith in him?
“They tried to force me to forget you,” he said as he wiped his snotty nose with his sleeve. “The Hero Commission, I mean. They pretended you never even existed and I-” Hawks took a deep breath, like he was hoping the air would push his emotions down, towards a place where he could bury them and never look at them again. Tear-filled golden eyes found blue ones and stayed there while he said, “I miss you so much.”
Dabi didn’t miss the way that was spoken.
“Keigo, I never- I would never leave you- It wasn’t-” His tone was desperate, his voice coarse. He didn’t leave to abandon Keigo, he had to run from his father and his life at home. Leaving his siblings and his mother and him behind were just… collateral damage. One that he never even imagined he was gonna have to face. And here it was, like a punch to the stomach.
“I don’t blame you. You did what you- what you thought was best,” Hawks’s eyes travelled to the ground, so far away from where he sat, and he felt the weight in his gut pull, like a magnet towards metal.
“I think it was the best too, you know. The whole… dying thing. Even if you didn’t really die”. Dabi felt his neck crack a little when he twisted his head to look at Keigo with wide eyes.
“What are you saying, Ha-”
“That’s why I envy you” His gaze was back to the stars. “Even if I knew it was fake, a little part of me believed you would actually, you know, do it. You would kill yourself and make it look like some crazy quirk accident. Because even if I tried my hardest, all the joy I could bring you could never compare to the hate that you felt. And I despised myself for it. I wasn’t good enough of a hero to save my own best friend”.
If he hadn’t destroyed his own body far beyond the point of recognition, he would be crying. He could feel it, the lump in his throat, the knot in his stomach. A heat that had nothing to do with his quirk had sat behind his eyes, so unknown and so annoying, that he almost missed what Hawks said next.
“I envy the fact that you would do anything to be free, and I couldn't. And I still can’t.” At this point the crying had stopped. He got up as he spoke, wobbling a little while he regained his balance and stretched his wings. “But hey, they call it liquid courage for a reason, right?”
He turned to look Dabi in the eyes and was met with wide, panicked, blue eyes. They reminded him of those of a boy he once knew, a boy who had the brightest eyes Keigo had ever seen. Blue, and vibrant and burning, like the brightest star in the Orion constellation.
This boy’s eyes were full of life, until they weren’t. Until he wasn’t full of life anymore. And the day the fire in those eyes died down, Touya Todoroki stopped existing. And that day, the star inside Keigo stopped burning, and he died a little too.
“Keigo stop talking bullshit and get off,” Dabi walked closer to him as he spoke. “Your stupid ass is gonna fall and you’re too drunk to catch yourself”
“That’s funny.” Hawks eyes were fogged up, looking at Dabi like he couldn't see him. He was smiling like he was remembering something nice that was no longer at arms reach. Kind of a sad smile. He looked out of his mind. “He used to call me Keigo, too.”
And with that, he tucked his wings close to his back and opened his arms, like someone without wings would have done if they were pretending to fly. He allowed his body to fall backwards, letting the magnet in his stomach pull him towards the metallic floor.
Touya watched Keigo disappear and didn’t have time to think, his body acting before his mind could process what was going on, and he launched himself towards the edge. Without a second thought he jumped head first behind him, arms stretched out. His hands closed into fists, grabbing onto the fabric of Hawks’s shirt the second they made contact, he pulled him until he could lay his head on the other man’s chest and wrapped his arms around his middle. He could hear a heart beating furiously, but he wasn’t able to tell if it was his own. He felt arms holding him tight, bringing him closer, but that might just have been the wind around them.
It wasn’t until he heard a violent flap and everything around him stopped that he realized that that was in fact his own heart, and those were Keigo’s arms.
Keigo.
Hawks. The winged hero. The man who had just jumped off of a building with no intention to use those wings.
Wings that were now fully open, slowing down their fall.
Keigo’s face was hidden in his hair, his tight grip never letting go, not even when their feet touched the ground and he closed his wings. He collapsed to the floor, dragging them both down, and just held the other man. Touya allowed the hug, adjusting his position so that he could bury his face deeper into Hawks’s chest, and took a breath.
“What the fuck were you thinking? No, shut up, you have said enough. It’s my time to speak now.” He took a second to collect his thoughts before continuing. “Keigo, why did you jump?”
After receiving silence as an answer, he peeled himself away from the embrace and looked up. He saw the blond boy who he used to train with. The loud, annoying little boy who he regretted leaving behind, so much. Keigo wouldn’t meet his gaze, so he took his face in between scarred hands and forced him to.
"Speak," he commanded.
“I- You always- I just- wanted to be free. Like you. Just this once.” He sounded broken, and lost, and empty, like he was missing a vital part of himself and he didn’t have the energy to look for it. “You weren’t supposed to jump too, y’know.” He let a bitter laugh leave his lips and stared into the familiar blue of Touya’s eyes. They used to make him feel better, now he felt nothing but the weight in his stomach.
“Yeah, well. I was supposed to be a hero too. I'm not great at doing as I'm told.” Touya hugged him again, tucking Keigo's head under his chin, because he didn't think he would be able to say what he wanted to if he had to look at Hawks's expression any longer. “I’m sorry. I really am. I’m so sorry I left you behind. I’m not sorry I left that place because fuck that, but I never wanted to hurt you, Keigo, I promise. I didn’t abandon you. I didn’t die. I’m right here. A little less human, but I hope- I want- I mean, it’s not gonna be the same because I’m- I’m not him." He felt Hawks squeeze him a little. "I’m really not. I'm not Touya anymore. Haven't been in a while. But with you, maybe I don’t have to be Dabi either."
At this point Keigo was openly bawling. The sobs shook his body like a storm, and he did nothing to stop them. After years of feeling nothing but loneliness and sorrow and grief for someone he knew wasn't dead this was… nice. Better. It felt like he had broken a bone, and it hadn't healed quite right, so it had to be broken again for it to finally go back to being good, like it was before.
Because like Touya and Keigo had been, maybe Hawks and Dabi could learn to be too.
If one jumped, the other one would be close behind. And they would have nothing come between them again, because one couldn't be without the other, and that was a truth written in the stars.