Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The intricacies of the human heart are not lost on Benrey.

Considering the fact he had to make his own from scratch when Gordon found out he didn’t have a heartbeat and got freaked out, he’d say he’s pretty fuckin’ well versed. Knows all the atriums and ventricles and papillary muscles. He’s not exactly a doctor, but he knows well enough to get by.

What he doesn’t understand, however, is the way it… reacts. To certain uh, stimuli.

Not in a weird way or anything - he’s not getting heart palpitations every time he smells lavender or whatever, just like-

Sometimes when he’s around… certain people… his heart seems to be struggling to keep its fucking pants on. Which is unfortunate, because those people tend to be his friends. Namely, one friend in particular. 

He’s not stupid, and he’s been on this hell planet long enough to know about the humanized idea of ‘romance’, but it - this shouldn’t be happening. Having a crush on Gordon was never part of the plan, even now, 3 years since the uh, Incident. 

You get written off the ‘prospective partners’ list when you - accidentally - get someone’s hand chopped off, no matter how long it’s been. Kind of a lifelong fuck-up. No level to reset. Go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect sweet sweet kisses. Game Over.

Benrey really wishes his heart would take the goddamn hint. 

Though, because he has done some sweet character development over the past few years, he can admit that this one is… kind of his fault. 

See, the problem is Benrey is kind of… a flirt. 

Not in a genuine, serious way, but more along the lines of ‘he’s asked Tommy to marry him three times this week.’ It wasn’t supposed to lead to anything, it’s just one of his sexy little character quirks. 

Tommy gives him a soda while they’re chilling on the couch - Benrey asks if he wants to run away together, elope. Tommy laughs.

Someone starts cursing him out over the teamspeak - Benrey asks if they want to ‘make out about it, or something.’ The rest of the team laughs.

Gordon mumbles along to a song as he moves around his kitchen, making nachos for their weekly movie night with the science team - Benrey says he has a voice that would outshine angels. Gordon laughs.

It’s just supposed to be a joke.

So why doesn’t it feel like a joke, when Gordon waves him off? Or, worse yet, when he plays back? When Benrey offers his hand in marriage and Gordon pretends to consider it, why does his throat burn with unsung sweet voice, practically choking him with the ferocity it has to escape?

It wasn’t fair. 

His unfortunate predicament had led him to Gordon’s house, for a newer tradition - video game night with his best bud Gordo. Gordo Feetsman. Goooorddooooon. Gordon. Game night with Gordon. 

It feels a bit surreal to say, in all honesty. It took quite a long while for the man to get comfortable to be in a room alone with Benrey, and now they meet up every week for video games. Ignoring the fluttering in his chest that erupts every time he thinks about how they’ve grown - how he’s grown - he knocks on the man’s door with the same ‘shave and a haircut’ drumbeat he uses every time. 

There’s a beat and then the sound of feet shuffling towards the door catches his ear. He waits as patiently as he can manage for Gordon to undo the multiple latches that hold his door shut, but his leg bounces even in his standing position. There’s only so much ‘staring at a wooden door’ he can manage before his mind starts to wander. 

Luckily, it doesn’t have time to get far before the final lock is undone and he’s greeted by a smiling Gordon. An incredible thing to see - a Freeman who was genuinely excited to see him, welcoming him into his home. He tries not to think too hard about it, about the symbolism or whatever that this has to be drowning in. Something about vampires and welcoming them inside? He’s drawn out of his thoughts by the realization that his host is speaking to him, and he has to be, y’know, aware of his surroundings.

“I finally got that weird ass game you kept mentioning,” Gordon starts offhandedly, gesturing towards the couch. Benrey’s eyes are drawn towards the motion, focusing on the ring of scar tissue on his right hand for a beat before following his line of sight towards the living room.

“gonna have to be uh, more specific than that, dude.” Benrey makes his way towards the furniture, sitting down with a heavy ‘whump’ that makes the springs creak. “i suggested you play finkle’s world the other day, ‘weird game’ encapsulates pretty much everything i recommend.” Not to say the games he suggested were bad in any way - finkle’s world is a masterpiece, and he’ll stand by that until the day he dies - but they were arguably not the norm.

“The uh- fuckin’-” Snapping his fingers fruitlessly, as if that would spawn the game’s title into his mind, Gordon gestures his hand at the coffee table. “The uh, fuck it’s the uh, the kissing game.” He walks towards the coffee table, digging through the piles of mail that have accumulated in his living room. Benrey watches as a few pieces slide onto the floor. Should pick that up, probably. He bends over to grab one of the old coupon pages off the ground and jolts upright as Gordon exclaims his victory. He looks up to see the man holding a PS2 case above his head, looking as smug as he can physically manage.

Does something weird to his heart.

“This! Chulip.” He waves the game in front of Benrey’s face, forcing him to cross his eyes in an attempt to read the cover. It does, in fact, read Chulip. With the little heart between the u and l and everything. “The place I ordered it from turned out to be in Russia or something, so it took forever to get here, but-” Gordon cuts himself off, turning the case around to face him.

“Looks pretty cute.” He squints at the cover, looking over the top of his glasses to read the tiny text. Benrey can’t help the snort that escapes him at the stab of irony - he does look pretty cute, doesn’t he - but he smiles as innocently as he can manage when his host turns an inquisitive eye at him. 

“What are you laughing at?” Not innocently enough, apparently.

“your nerd ass face,” he mumbles, pushing himself off the couch and grabbing the game from Gordon’s hands as he sputters uselessly. A throwaway line like that would’ve sparked a bloody argument a while ago, probably gotten his life threatened - now the man just rolls his eyes and flops down onto the couch where Benrey had been sitting. Yet again, he’s reminded of how things could have been - of how they were - and he finds himself unjustly grateful for game night. 

He keeps his musings to himself as he squats in front of the TV, pulling the ps2 forward from where it’d been gathering dust in the back of the console cabinet, though it was by no means neglected. Despite the mass of overdue mail that’s collected on Gordon’s living room table, his consoles tended to be pretty well-cared for. The man was just as big of a video game buff as Benrey was, not that he’d admit it. 

Following through the familiar motions of plugging in the HDMI cables and turning on the TV, he listens to the sound of his friend behind him - oh, had he been talking the whole time?

“-game’s single player, so I was gonna let you be the one to try it out, but since you have so much to say about my ‘nerd ass face’...” He trails off, and they turn around to catch the teasing look on his face. A smile of his own threatens his lips, but he forces himself to pout back at the man.

“nooo c’mon,” they start, sticking their bottom lip out like a whining kid, “i didn’t mean it, c’moooon.” Benrey drags out the words, cocking his head to the side. “c’mon, you wanna let benrey kiss? y- you wanna let your good ol’ pal benny boy give the town some smooches? i’ll save the best for you, dude, c’mooon.” 

He finally lets the smile that's been threatening his face the whole time break through as Gordon tosses his head back with a laugh, clapping his hands in front of him like a particularly joyful seal. The happy seal laugh is his second favorite Gordon laugh, followed only by - a snort breaks the air, quickly covered by the man covering his mouth with his hand as he continues to laugh - the snort laugh. 

Pink begins to build in his stomach, fizzing in his throat like the world's most carbonated soda as he struggles to beat it back. Not the time, feelings. He’s winning the Gordon game right now, got the high score for friendship points. 

“Fine! Fine, I guess you can play it first.” Gordon acquiesces quickly after calming down, announcing the words as if it were some great and heavy burden and wasn’t the plan all along. And he calls Benrey the ‘drama queen.’ His inability to see within was almost charming.

Forcing himself back onto his feet - listening to the joints in his knees protest this action - he waddles his happy ass back towards the couch, flopping down on it yet again with far too much force. The owner of the couch quickly voices his displeasure, batting them on the arm as he berates them yet again.

“You’re gonna break the couch, asshole,” he hisses, though there’s no real venom behind it.

“you need a new couch anyways, this one smells like- like some fuckin’ uh, dead people. you got ghosts livin’ in your couch, huh? feetman got the fucking twins from the shining living in your dusty ass furniture? huh?” Benrey shoves him with his shoulder, jostling Gordon and making him laugh yet again.

“Shut up and play the game, idiot.” 

Who is he to deny that?

They boot up the game, immediately becoming engrossed in the strange little world it creates. Gordon takes it upon himself to read all the dialogue in increasingly ridiculous voices, preening every time he makes Benrey laugh hard enough that he misses a kiss opportunity. By the time they’ve finished the tutorial, his face hurts from smiling and yet he still can’t manage to wipe it off his face.

He’s in the middle of running across town, trying to reach the playground before 4pm, when ‘Yodzilla’ pops out of the ground, when Gordon starts talking again.

“If you were one of these characters, what'd ya think your kiss condition would be?” He muses, the reflection of the TV screen shining across his glasses. Benrey turns to look at him out of the corner of his eye, raising an eyebrow. Sort of a...sudden inquisition, but who was he to turn down an honest question?

“what, tryin’ to figure- figure out what makes me tick? huh? tryin- trying to uh, see what gets ol’ benrey’s engine revvin’?” Apparently he was Benrey, the creature who turns down honest questions. He turns his eyes back towards the screen so he doesn’t have to see the playful revulsion on Gordon’s face, and in turn misses the way the other man’s eyes flash towards his face in surprise. Shouldn’t surprise him, considering half the shit the alien says, but his eyes widen nonetheless. 

There’s a beat of silence before a snort breaks the air, Gordon waving his hand as if he could physically dispel the energy. 

“Whatever, it’d probably be something super easy, knowing you. With how much you offer to kiss people, you’d be like, the tutorial or something.” He laughs at his own joke, the little bastard. Benrey manages to make his best affronted noise, ignoring the part of his brain that mumbles stupid bullshit.

Bullshit like ‘it’d be easy for you. ’ Doesn’t even make any sense. Stupid brain. Human heart bullshit. 

Benrey’s startled by the weight of a hand landing on his knee, patting it twice before landing on it solidly - oh, Gordon’s using it to push himself off the couch. He goes to pause the game, a bit sad - was game night over already? - but Gordon gestures for him to keep playing.

“Goin’ to get a drink, keep playing.” He stretches upwards as he’s speaking, arms above his head revealing his stomach for a beat. Benrey’s eyes flash down to take in as much of it as he can before he’s forced to look away by Gordon lowering his arms. “I’ll be right back.”

He nods distractedly, focusing as much as he can on the game in front of him. As soon as he leaves the room, Benrey lets out a few pink pearls, not watching as they float up and pop harmlessly against the ceiling. If Sweet Voice could stain, he’d never hear the end of it. 

It only takes a few minutes for Gordon to come back, juggling a few things in his arms. Benrey looks up as a can is offered to him, hand reaching out to grab it instinctively. His hand falters, however, when he notices exactly what he’s being given. 

With the green bottle and Japanese characters, it’s not hard to figure out what this is. Fanta Melon Frosty is a hard-to-get soda in the U.S., let alone in New Mexico. A single bottle is like 5 dollars, plus the shipping costs - this one bottle must’ve cost at least 20 dollars. And now it was being handed to him with no fanfare, as if this was no big deal. It’s...stupid to get so worked up about, holding this bottle in his hands, but there’s something about it that makes his throat feel like TV static.

He feels the couch dip next to him as Gordon settles back into place, stretching his arm over the back of the cushions. Benrey’s so overcome with his own emotions he doesn’t even acknowledge the movement, though he does finally move his eyes from the bottle to his friend’s face. 

In the grand scope of the world, Gordon Freeman isn’t going to win any beauty contests. He has poorly trimmed facial hair, and his glasses make his face look boxy, and his hair is falling out of a ponytail that looks like it was cobbled together with hopes and prayers. 

And to Benrey, he’s the most beautiful man alive. To Benrey, he wouldn’t have this man any other way, sitting next to him on the couch in two day old sweatpants and a shirt that reads ‘silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.’

He’s so focused on his reverent staring, he doesn’t realize Gordon is even speaking to him until he starts snapping his fingers in his face. Benrey jolts slightly, eyes widening as the blood pumping in his ears calms down enough that he can actually hear what’s being said to him. 

“-ou okay? Is this about the soda? I uh-” He scrunches his nose up, scratching at the underside of his beard as he blatantly thinks of a lie. “Found it at uh, Albertsons. I remember you saying something about it, so I just uh. Picked it up. I have a few in the kitchen, too.” 

There are practically cartoon hearts swirling around his head right now, struck dead by this one action. He remembered an offhand comment about soda flavors, and then went out of his way, spending way too much money , to buy Benrey the soda. He’s so overwhelmed by the action, and the blase way it’s presented that, well,

there’s nothing else he could say.

“i am in love with you.” Benrey says, staring him right in the eyes. His hands and his voice are shaking, the stupid heart he created for the stupid love of his life pumping so fast he distantly fears it may just give up the ghost. He only manages about a second of eye contact before he’s forced to look away, turning his head to the side to let out the deep mauve tsunami that’s been building in him for the past year. Every part of his body is burning, the fear pushing his already ice-cold body temperature to 3 degrees past freezing. 

There’s a beat of stunned silence, his eyes closing out of fear of whatever retaliation that’s sure to come - stupid, stupid, why would you say that, he’d do the same for Tommy or Coomer, stupid, reading too much into shit again an- only to open again as he hears a noise.

It’s a snort.

Like, laughter.

Gordon is laughing at him.

He tightens his grip on the bottle, feeling a rage begin to build within him - fucking rude… rude ass feetman can’t even let him down like a normal fucking person, the asshole has the audacity to laugh in his fucking face, he can keep the stupid soda, fucker, can’t believe - and he turns his newfound glare to the other man, only to see him rolling his eyes.

“Alright, Benrey, I love you too. Can we get back to the game now?”

What.

Huh?

“wuh?” Benrey manages, lost in his own whirlwind of stupid conclusions and anxieties. Gordon fixes him with a strange glance, like he was the one not making any sense. 

“I… love you too? We’re friends, man, you know that. Though I think that’s the first time you’ve professed your love for me. Skipping straight past marriage, huh?” He snorts again, moving the arm that's wrapped over the back of the couch and using it to tossle the alien’s hair slightly. “Let’s go back to the game. Unless you want me to take the reins, for a bit?” Gordon eyes the controller, which they wordlessly hand over, still staring at his profile. 

Gordon… thought he was joking. 

Though this was a joke.

One of his funny little goof-em-ups. 

A guffaw. A gag. A bit.

He just confessed his undying love for the man, and he thought they were joking. Benrey can’t help the few bubbles that float up towards the ceiling - relief as green as a leaf - as he mulls over what just happened in his mind. He has flirted with the man next to him so many times he… doesn’t believe him. 

There’s something so ultimately ironic about it all, he can’t help but laugh even as Gordon fixes him with yet another strange look. Unbelievable. 

He’s relieved, sure, but something about the situations irks him. Something he can’t really enunciate. It throws him off his game so thoroughly that when Gordon bids him a goodnight, with a command to get some rest after Benrey cited insomnia for his strange behavior, he heads straight home. Usually he takes his time on the walk home - there were quite a few stray cats around Gordon’s apartment, and he liked to check on them from time to time - but his thoughts were too loud to linger tonight. 

By the time he finally unlocks the door to his shared apartment - he and Tommy had become roommates shortly after the Chuck E Cheese party, back when no one else could stand to see his face - his mind is buzzing so furiously he has to pause and do the deep breathing exercises he learned from Gordon himself. 

Tommy steps into the hallway, Sunkist not far behind him, brows furrowed in concern at the truly sorry sight Benrey must make. Wordlessly he approaches, setting a hand gingerly on their shoulder and leading them farther into the house. Setting them down on the couch takes barely any effort, and Tommy steps out of the room to grab water from the kitchen and give them a few more beats to calm down. 

Once he returns, Tommy presses the water glass into his waiting hands, fingers curling around the glass like a lifeline. His heart is still racing, but now he can actually hear what’s going on around him past the blood rushing in his ears. There’s some show on the TV - likely Star Trek, if he knew anything about his co inhabitants streaming habits. 

“So,” Tommy starts, settling down on the couch next to them, grabbing the remote and pausing on a screen of Data smiling at someone off screen. “You seem to be uh, having an ad-adverse reaction to something.” He drags his words out, like speaking too fast would set them off again. “Did- did something happen with Freeman?” Three years later and Gordon hadn’t graduated to first-name basis with Tommy. At least he’d dropped the ‘Mr.’

“well,” Benrey stretches out his words in the same way, smiling a bit at the way Tommy’s nose scrunches up as he rolls his eyes. “i may have made the most unepic gamer mistake of confessing my uh, undying love for the man.” He watches as the other man’s eyes pop open slightly in surprise, and rushes to cut off and congratulations that may follow. “he uh, may or may not have thought i was joking, and then laughed at me.” 

Part of Benrey’s brain that likes proof that his friends do actually enjoy his company revels at the way his best friend’s eyes turn angry for a beat, defensive of his good ol’ pal, Benny. It fades pretty quickly, though, as Tommy mulls over the information in his mind.

“Well,” Tommy repeats, needling in that way that means he’s about to say something they’re not going to like. “You do… do that a lot. Confessing, I-i mean.” He scrunches up his face sympathetically as Benrey shoots a glare at him, looking away and shrugging his shoulders. “It’s uh, like ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’, y’know? O-only so many times you- you can confess your undying love for uh, for someone before they don’t believe you. Uh, right?”

He stares blankly at his friend, the one man who has ever stood by his side, the pea in his pod, the other half of his soul, and he nearly screams.

“so you’re saying no matter how many times I tell uh, feetman that i’m like, gonzo for him - he’s not gonna believe me?” 

Tommy winces at the harsh wording, cocking his head as he thinks of a response that won’t push Benrey into a depression spiral. 

“You could just uh, just say ‘this is not- not a joke,’” he offers, frowning as the alien dismisses it immediately with a vehement shake of the head. “Why not?”

“because,” Benrey drags out the word, swirling the water cup he hasn’t taken a single sip out of, “thats uh, lame. not cool, very unepic, not an epic gamer moment, this clip has 0 views.” Tommy exhales heavily, distinctly looking more unimpressed with the conversations’ direction.

“Alright, uhm.” He looks up towards the ceiling, wracking his brain for ideas that don’t start with some iteration of ‘this is ridiculous, you are an adult.’ “Maybe try asking him on a uh, on a date! You could do some- something romantic there, he might make the- the uh, first move.” Tommy refocuses his gaze onto his friend, who stares back at him like he hung all the stars in the sky.

“you are the smartest motherfucker i know, do you want to get married right now?” Benrey mumbles, setting down his glass to hold on to Tommy’s hands with clammy claws. He smiles smugly, the whites of his teeth shining under the low light of the TV’s LED’s. 

“Yes I am,” Tommy hums, cocking his head to the side. “Can we get m-married after this episode, though?” He gestures their conjoined hands back towards the paused screen, drawing Benrey’s attention towards it. “Data’s learning what a joke is and I want to see the end of this rouge character.” 

Benrey pretends to think about it for a second before nodding as if this were some grand sacrifice. 

“yeah, i guess.”

Tommy beams, settling back onto the couch and opening his arms, waiting patiently for his roommate to find a comfortable enough position to watch in. This position ends up being with his head in the man’s lap, laying on his back as his legs dangle over the arm of the couch. Their hands immediately tangle in the alien’s hair, scratching softly against his scalp as he presses play, Gordon and love confessions all but forgotten for the evening. 

Chapter Text

Maybe he should have been more specific when approaching Gordon with his proposition. The simple ‘oh hey maybe you and I should hang out or something this weekend el oh el’ clearly wasn’t working in his favor.

Especially because Gordon seemed to take the open-ended-ness of his request as an open invitation to invite the rest of the crew along.

What was meant to be a romantic outing between two gamer bros turns into a wholly platonic family outing to the carnival.

Tommy was being of no help either. He refuses to ‘meddle’ - his words, not Benrey’s - meaning he was on his own to figure out how to swing this whole thing around back towards the ‘date’ meter.

It wasn’t wholly bad, however. They’d all met up this morning at Gordon’s house, Tommy and Benrey arriving first with the boomer crew not far behind, and gone down a list of rules. These rules were put in place by Gordon, of course, which means he tuned out for most of them. Just because he was in love with the guy doesn’t mean he had to listen to every word he said, especially when most of them were thinly veiled threats to not set the carnival on fire like they had the county fair.

Which was Bubby’s fault and not his own, just for your information.

“-rey. Benrey!” He’s drawn out of his wandering thoughts, eyes refocusing and landing on a Gordon who looks very unimpressed with him. They return his glare with an easy smile, only succeeding in scrunching up his already half-lidded eyes. He watches the other man rolls his eyes from between his eyelashes, dropping the smile as he starts trying to pay attention to the rest of the speech.

“We’re probably gonna leave around 10 pm or so ‘cause the carnival closes at 11 pm and I refuse to be stuck in the traffic of everyone trying to leave. Everyone got their stuff?” He scans the group in front of him like he’s talking to 4 toddlers and not his friends who are all significantly older than he is.

Apparently what he sees is enough to satisfy him, because he nods with an air of finality, then starts herding everyone out to their cars. They’re going to be driving there in the Boomer-mobile because Dr. Coomer was the only one wise enough to buy an SUV that’s capable of holding 5 grown adults at once without someone having to sit in someone else’s lap.

They’re struck with the sudden vision of a world where Dr. Coomer didn’t buy an SUV - a world where they get to sit in Gordon’s lap on car rides. They imagine his arms around their waist, holding him for however long it takes to get to their destination. Not in a weird way or anything - just like, y’know, sharing gamer body heat. Gods, are they so desperately touch starved that the idea of sitting in Gordon’s lap is enough to put him in a stupor?
Benrey physically shakes his head to dislodge the idea, climbing into the car and ignoring the confused look the object of his affections sends his way. He makes his way to the very back of the car, as is customary. The Science Team + Benrey have had an unspoken seating chart since Coomer got the car in the first place.

Coomer drives, Bubby sits in the passenger’s seat (husband gets shotgun), Tommy sits behind Coomer, Gordon sits behind Bubby, Benrey sits in the middle of the third row. That way he can see the whole car, and he can pull Gordon’s pigtails if he so chooses. Not that Gordon wears pigtails. The mental image of him in pigtails floats across his mind’s eye and he stifles a laugh, leaning forward to rest his chin on the seat in front of him.

“What are you laughing about back there?” Gordon questions, clicking his seatbelt into place and checking it twice before leaning back in his seat. Benrey follows the motion with his eyes, tilting his head to rest his cheek on the seat instead.

“have you ever worn pigtails?” He responds, momentarily brushing the inquisition aside as he tries to curate the picture forming in his mind. Once you get past the ridiculousness of a grown man in pigtails, it’s not an awful idea. Sort of cute or something.

The man in question snorts, tilting his head back and his eyes up as he rifles through his memories.

“Not since I was like, 5, probably.” Gordon lowers his head, craning his neck to try and catch their eye. “Why?”

Benrey opens his mouth to respond, only to be interrupted by the blaring sound of the stereo. Another rule in the car - Bubby gets the AUX cord. He winces at the volume, pulling his chin off the seat as the volume starts to rattle his teeth. The only downside of sitting in the way back was the fact the biggest speakers were located on either side, meaning the music was blaring in his ears the whole time.

Gordon shoots him a sympathetic look, leaning forward to ask Bubby to turn the volume down a bit. This inevitably results in Bubby instead turning the volume up, but at least he turns the song to something he knows Benrey will enjoy.

You win some, you lose some. It’s just Bubby’s way of showing love - or that’s what Dr. Coomer tells him.

They get to the carnival without incident, and by the time he manages to climb out of the backseat, Benrey’s ears have already stopped ringing. He instinctively stands closer to Tommy as they all plan out their day - Gordon would have printed out an itinerary if anyone would’ve followed it - only barely listening as he turns to inspect the people walking past them in the parking lot.

Lots of families with young kids, teenagers, and…

Their eyes catch on a couple, holding hands as they walk towards the main entrance. One of them is gesticulating wildly as they talk, clearly heated in their opinion as the other nods along to whatever they’re saying. Benrey turns away from the happy pair, eyes catching onto Gordon’s hand. It wouldn’t be hard to grab it right now, it’s just kind of hanging at his side. It wouldn’t even be weird or anything - Dr. Coomer and Bubby are holding hands.

Dr. Coomer and Bubby are married, idiot.

He blinks as he realizes the sound of his friends arguing has tapered off, and the group is staring at him expectantly. It seems he’s missed something yet again.

“huh?” Benrey mumbles, shooting a glance at Tommy - who looks far too amused by his confusion. He’s not a fan of that knowing look, he must have followed his gaze and saw him staring at Gordon or something. They stick their tongue out at him, and Tommy snorts. His attention is drawn back as Gordon starts speaking again, paying extra care to listen this time.

“Like I was saying, we’re going to go straight for the rides, I wanna get those out of the way before the lines get ridiculous.”

They make it 5 steps in the door before Bubby sees a game and abandons the group, leaving Gordon to herd them all after the man so they don’t get separated.

Bubby is talking to the carnie as they arrive, pulling singles out of his wallet and pushing them into the man’s hand eagerly. It’s a simple enough game - toss baseballs at a bunch of milk cartons, try to knock them over - and Bubby never backs down from a challenge. He grabs his ammo and rears back, tossing the slightly scorched ball through the pyramid. It knocks the bottles down with ease, and the group celebrates as the already tired worker gestures towards the wall of cheap toys.

They inspect the wall carefully, eventually settling for a stuffed frog, which he immediately passes off to Dr. Coomer. He smiles brightly at his partner, grabbing his shirt’s sleeve and pulling him down for a quick peck on the cheek. It’s a very sweet display, and something about it lights a fire in his mind.

If he gets Gordon a toy, then Gordon will be happy, and he might kiss him. It’s foolproof.

Or it would be, for a fool of lesser caliber.

It becomes increasingly obvious that his gamer skills do not translate properly into the real world as he pushes to the front and pays for his turn, because he cannot hit a single fucking bottle. He huffs angrily as his last ball bounces harmlessly off the backboard, rolling back towards him like some sort of cruel taunt.

He’s practically old as time itself, and he can’t hit a milk bottle with a baseball. He can practically feel the star particles in his bones tutting at him in disappointment. Benrey’s already reaching into his pockets for more cash when a new sound reaches his ears.

It’s laughter.

Benrey turns towards the group, mouth open with some shitty remark on his tongue when he realizes just who it is that’s laughing at him.

Gordon is laughing at him.

He’s smacked with a reminder of the other night and his first failed confession, and his mouth twists into a frown. Benrey turns back towards the worker, passing them the cash and grabbing the proffered balls with a renewed vigor.

Instead of throwing them, however, he whirls around and shoves them into Gordon’s arms, pouting out at him dangerously from beneath the chullo hat he still wears despite the 70-degree heat.

Gordon rolls his eyes, brushing past them and approaching the game. How hard can a carnival game be, honestly?

Really fucking hard, apparently.

On his first strike, Gordon becomes frustrated. On his second, he’s upset. On his third and final whiff, he is pissed. Pissed as all hell.

“It’s clearly - I don’t know, it’s rigged or something!” He gripes, brows furrowing as he turns back to Benrey, who stands behind him with the smuggest look that any creature, on this planet or the next, has ever managed.

“B- but Freeman, Bubby did it with no problem!” Tommy reminds the man, cocking his head to the side as innocently as he can manage. Given the fact that it’s Tommy, that’s pretty innocent, but Benrey can see the way he barely controls the laughter that threatens his lips. He’s enjoying this just as much as they are.

“Wh- I-” Gordon looks over towards Bubby and Dr. Coomer, greeted only by Bubby’s similarly smug face as Dr. Coomer recites the Wikipedia article for frogs. He looks back towards Benrey, pausing for a beat before his face transforms into a glare.

“We’re finding another one.” He grabs Benrey’s hand in his own, dragging him off towards another booth. Benrey, of course, has no issue with this, instead staring at their entwined hands as he’s led towards another game like a horse being led to water. Epic gamer water. Epic gamer water that tastes like cute boys playing games with him.

This metaphor fell apart quickly.

Benrey’s forced into reality as a gun is thrust into his hands and he recognizes the fact Gordon’s paid for him to play another game. He can’t help the smile that pulls at his lips as he gets into position. Clearly, Gordon hadn’t considered the fact that all they did was play FPS games.

He shoots the plates with ease, watching smugly as they shatter and fall to the floor. He manages to get about 12 before the timer runs out, leaving him to lower the gun and turn to his friend with a sharp-toothed grin.

Gordon, for his credit, looks like he’s almost too impressed to be mad about being beaten so completely. Almost being the keyword. He’s already turning away, scanning the surrounding area for a game that may be better suited to his skills. In the meantime, Benrey inspects the wall of toys, smacking his lips as he considers which toy would be best appreciated.

He ends up going with a guinea pig wearing a tiny little Elvis wig. It’s just the right amount of ‘stupid dad toy’ that will fit Gordon perfectly.

He thanks the worker as they pass the prize over, his words cut off slightly as he feels a grip on his arm that begins pulling him away. Benrey turns, only to realize it’s just Gordon, dragging him off to another game. He can see Tommy stepping up to the game in their absence, and he’s almost saddened by the fact he won’t get to see the poor worker’s face when the tall man single-handedly decimates their game.

Ah well.

Turning back to the matter at hand as Gordon stops in front of a game, Benrey inspects the scene in front of him with a measuring eye. It was another shooting game, yeah, but this one was based around shooting water into a clown’s mouth. He might have better aim, but Gordon has steadier hands than he does. Mentally he curses his diet of energy drinks and prepackaged garbage, settling down into the provided seat.

As soon as Gordon sits down the game begins, the pair rushing to line up their water stream as fast as possible. Benrey manages to hit the target first, but his aim quickly begins to wane. Gordon, on the other hand, is well on his way to filling his balloon. That just won’t do.

Benrey kicks his leg out, bumping into his friend’s leg and throwing off his aim for just a second. He can’t take his eyes off the clown’s mouth, but he can hear the undignified sputtering coming from beside him and he’s abruptly faced with the knowledge he’s made a mistake.

Gordon sticks his arm out, reaching over and physically shoving Benrey’s gun off track. It seems this is the game now. He retaliates in much the same, trying to reach over and repeat the action, only to find that he’s being held back by Gordon’s arm as the other focuses on his water stream. To properly mess with him, they’d be forced to let go of their gun.

There’s nothing else to be done, is there?

He lets go of the trigger, standing up on the steps of his stool to reach over Gordon’s arm in an attempt to knock him off course. The other man looks away from his target in surprise, though he doesn’t let go of the trigger as Benrey had.

“I think this is cheating!” Gordon yells over the booth’s music, but his words are practically choked out by the laughter that threatens him. He swats Benrey’s arms away to the best of his ability, trying to push him back into his seat. “You’re not even touching your gun anymore, dude, c’mon-”

“if i can’t win there will be no winner at all.” Benrey retorts, trying to press past his defenses. Gordon barks a laugh, shooting his glance back towards the board. It’s really hard to keep his aim steady, but he’s almost there. A few more seconds at best.

Benrey laughs, raising his arms into a perfect ‘monster’ pose, only to be knocked off balance as Gordon smashes his hand into their face. His sneaker slips on the wet metal of the stool’s bar, sending him careening straight onto his friend.

Gordon immediately drops his grip on the gun, both arms reaching out to grab Benrey. Which he manages to do successfully, his grip on their arms surprisingly strong as he holds them up.

Their faces are dangerously close together as they stare at each other in shock. They can’t help it, honestly, their eyes instinctively flash down to Gordon’s lips and just how close they are from his own. This isn’t a bad moment for this, is it? Benrey leans in just barely, lids sliding down just the barest bit, so close they can feel his breath against their lips and -

“Oh my god, are you two okay?” He’s shocked out of the moment by the voice of a concerned teenager, a lisp tinting their words as they lean over the counter. Gordon whips his head back, turning towards them like he’d just realized they were there as Benrey hangs his head in defeat.

So close. They were so close.

Gordon settles them back down on the solid ground while he talks to the worker, brushing off their concerns. It wasn’t the carnivals’ fault, Benrey was just an idiot, no one was hurt. He can’t help but pout as he stalks off towards the rest of the group - who must have stepped behind them once they’d finished the plates game - as he waits for Gordon to finish smoothing things over with the underpaid worker.

They’re so preoccupied with the frustration of being interrupted they don’t even notice Gordon has caught up with them until there’s a hand on his shoulder. He turns around just in time to have a plush fish shoved into his face, Gordon’s cheeks tinged a bit red.

“The uh - The person behind the counter said I should give this to you, as an uh, gift. Since you nearly ate shit in a game where you’re supposed to sit in a chair and shoot a water gun.” His tone is teasing, a single eyebrow raised in amusement as he presses the gift into Benrey’s hands.

He looks down at it reverently, hit with a similar sort of affection as he was when he was gifted the soda. It wasn’t even close to being on the same level - one was something that had been specifically sought out when it was difficult to retrieve, specifically because he’d mentioned it, and one was a cheap plush fish - but the rush of joy that fills his chest cavity is overwhelming all the same.

Benrey pauses for a beat before reaching into his hoodie’s pocket, pulling out the previously received guinea pig and shoving it into Gordon’s arms. There’s a moment of fumbling before he grabs onto it properly, pulling it away from his chest to inspect it properly. Barely a second passes before he starts laughing at the ridiculous present, his free hand rising to cover his mouth as his shoulders shake with laughter.

Preening under the positive reaction, he holds the fish closer to his chest, ignoring the way the prickly fabric feels against his fingers. He gave Gordon the gift, he liked it, it’s kiss time now. He turns his cheek obligingly, waiting for the other to lean in, only to be disappointed as the other man pats his shoulder, turning around to show the rest of the group his new prize.

What just happened?

He shoots a glance at Tommy, who shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head, like that was any sort of explanation. Benrey huffs in frustration, trailing after them and managing to catch the very end of the conversation Gordon’s having with Dr. Coomer.

“Young love is a beautiful thing, Gordon!” The man loudly proclaimed, holding up the pointer finger on the hand that’s not currently holding onto his husband’s sleeve. Said husband is turning away from the group, wiping at his eyes.

“Bubby, a- are you crying right now?” Tommy questions, squinting at the older scientist like that would help him see better. In turn, Bubby whips to attention, ripping his hand away from his face.

“No, don’t be stupid.” His voice is laced with venom, but a tad wobbly - he was crying. Dr. Coomer draws their attention away from the sight, loudly explaining that his partner was simply overcome with memories of their very first date - though their date had a lot more arson and less gift-giving.
Amid his extremely detailed explanation of how long it’d taken them to put out the fire, Gordon cuts into the conversation.

“That’s nice, uh, Dr. Coomer, but we’re not on a date. Or in ‘young love.’” His face is rather obviously red, and Benrey can’t even enjoy the sight because he’s too busy being distraught at the obvious rejection.

“we’re not?” He whines, putting on his best pleading expression as he steps forward, sliding his hand into Gordon’s. “i thought we were in the middle of a very thrilling romance story? on my planet the act of exchanging stuffed animals is like, akin to marriage. we’re married right now, dude, do you not love me?” Benrey’s tone is obviously joking but also not really joking. He was joking about the gift thing, but not the love thing. Not like he’d know the difference between what was a joke and what wasn’t a joke, but still.

Gordon snorts, though the heat on his cheeks doesn’t dissipate.

“Oh shit, my bad dude.” He turns back to Coomer, who has been patiently watching this interaction, and gestures to their connected hands. “We just got married, actually. I’m still not sure we’re young, but we are apparently in love.” The smile on Gordon’s face only grows as he talks, though the dam of laughter hasn’t broken just yet.

“Ah, newlyweds! The beauty of love is something to be admired, Gordon!” Dr. Coomer crows at his typical ear-piercing volume, causing both Gordon and Benrey to break down in a fit of laughter as the older scientist begins a new spiel about his wedding to Bubby.

Eventually, they manage to make their way out of the games alley, finally arriving at their original destination - the rides. Gordon doesn’t let go of Benrey’s hand until it’s time to get on the first ride, and they miss the touch as soon as it’s gone.

Though this started as a botched attempt at a date, they can’t begrudge the rest of his friends for coming along. They do end up having a great time on the rides, though they do almost get kicked out a few times for getting rowdy in the waiting lines. Benrey’s almost completely forgotten his objective by the time they reach the tilt-a-whirl, floating on cloud nine from the pure adrenaline rush of being around the people he loves.

That is, however, until they get onto the ride itself.

Sent straight down from his natural high, Benrey finds his head spinning as he departs from the ride, blinking away the stars in his vision as he struggles to catch up with everyone else.

“You doin’ alright there?” Gordon questions, hand out to steady them as he clutches his stomach. Very much no he was not alright, but a brave face must be displayed.

“uhhh yeah. doin’ uh, peachy. peachy keen. i’m fine, you’re the one looking uh, lil weak. little weak ass gordo can’t even handle uh, spinning carnival ride. Loser.” Benrey struggles through his usual bullshit speech, watching as Gordon’s face transforms from concern into competitive. Oh, dear gods what has he done?

“Oh yeah? Why don’t we ride it again then, since I’m so weak?” He gestures to the line, which is already piling back onto the ride. Benrey can practically feel his stomach trying to upheave himself at the thought of riding it again, but a challenge is a challenge.

Straightening his back as best he can, he puts his most unaffected, glazed over look on his face and shrugs his shoulders.

“yeah, sure, if you think you can take it. lameass weak stomach man.” He shoots a pleading glance Tommy’s way, but he’s greeted only by unimpressed amusement. You’ve dug this grave, his eyes say, now lie in it.

Gordon leads him back towards the ride and away from their useless friends, who promise to wait outside for them. Benrey practices his breathing as they latch themselves into the ride once again, eyes screwed tightly shut. He can hear the man next to him laughing at his expense and if he could move right now he would be smacking the shit out of him.

The second time is just like the first time but worse. By the time they’re stumbling off the ride, Gordon laughing and patting his back, Benrey is feeling practically green. Keeping up the nonchalance is mental torture at this point, but a man has a reputation to keep.

“How was that, Benrey? Still feeling ‘peachy keen?’” Gordon’s tone is teasing, and Benrey almost physically groans at the sound of it. Keep it together, buddy, c’mon.

“uhhh yah. of course. why, you chickening out? can’t take another go?” WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. STOP SAYING THINGS. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!

Gordon barks a laugh, steering a still-woozy Benrey back towards the line wordlessly.

The third ride is the worst of all. When they get off the ride his whole world is spinning, and this time even Gordon looks slightly sick. Benrey can feel himself physically swaying in circles with every motion and it’s awful. The world will never be still again - he can’t even open his eyes properly without feeling ill.

“Alright, I think that’s all I can physically take.” Gordon manages, face scrunched up with nausea as they step down the ride’s ramp. Benrey mentally celebrates, praising every star in the sky that he doesn’t have to step into that death trap for the fourth time. He might lose it if he spins in another circle right now.

“awe, lame little uh, fake gamer gordo can’t even h-” Benrey pauses, swallowing purposefully before attempting any more words. In, out. In, out. “can’t handle a little spinning?” He grits out after a moment, eyes closed so he can’t see the way his world still spins.

“Dude.” He can feel Gordon’s disbelieving gaze on his skin even with his eyes closed, and when he finally does manage to pry his lids apart he can see it as well. It looks tinged with fondness if nothing else, so that was probably a good thing. “You’re very literally nearly green.”

“pssh, what?” Benrey grits out, shooting a glance around the surrounding area. There was… no sign of their friends. “i think we’ve been abandoned.”

“Nice subject change.” Gordon rolls his eyes, though he does also look around the crowd. “Guess so. I think rides are off the table for a bit-'' he shoots a glance at Benrey’s green around the gills exterior “-but there are a few sights to look at in the meantime. We can walk around, see the sights, and hopefully run into them eventually.”

That… sounded like a date activity. That sounded date-adjacent. People on dates hold hands and look at things together. They needed to be holding hands. Benrey looks down, pausing for a beat before grabbing onto his friend’s hand with a bit more force than necessary.

“‘m doing this so you don’t get uh, lost and shit. ‘cause you’re dizzy or whatever.” He hurries to explain, not meeting Gordon’s eye so he doesn’t have to see the way he rolls his eyes at the poor excuse.

After a beat of silence in which Gordon does roll his eyes - they head off, walking away from the torture machine and towards the more relaxed parts of the carnival. Just walking past the food court makes both of them a little queasy, so they head towards the opposite end of the grounds.

There’s a weird art exhibit thing that’s part of the carnival, and while he hadn’t been exactly chomping at the bit to look at avant-garde art earlier in the day, suddenly it’s much more interesting when he’s got a hand in his own. Gordon seems even less impressed by the art than he is, and they spend a good portion of their time together just laughing at the bizarre displays.

It’s… really nice. The thought of doing something like this - something even remotely close to this - was far beyond them even a year ago, and now they’re just walking around this stupid little exhibit and holding hands and laughing like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

He shoots a glance towards Gordon as he berates the latest piece of art, swinging their arms between them as he gestures with his free hand. Abruptly he’s reminded of the couple from earlier - is that what they looked like? Did he look as dumbstruck with love as he felt? Benrey opens his mouth to speak, to say something, anything, when he’s cut off by something catching Gordon’s attention.

“Oh shit, look at that!” Gordon abruptly tugs at their conjoined hands, jolting Benrey out of his rose-tinted thought process and instead leading him towards a small booth labeled ‘photos.’

He gestures for Benrey to climb in first, which he does with little hesitation. Gordon follows, closing the little curtain before them. A bit strange for a carnival to have a photo booth, but they certainly weren’t going to question. He watches as Gordon pulls out his wallet, sliding the money into the proffered slot and grinning as the selection screen pops up.

“Alright, let's see what they have here for themes…” He mumbles, mostly to himself, as he starts tapping through the options, turning towards Benrey a few times to get his opinion. They’re about to suggest the one labeled ‘baby’s first’ when Gordon begins to cackle with laughter.

“Oh, first date! We have got to do this one!”

Benrey can practically feel the blush that rushes to his cheeks, blinking at the rose and heart covered theme that Gordon’s selected. He doesn’t realize, but he must’ve agreed to it because they’re settling into the seat and the camera is turning on.

He’s abruptly greeted by his face, grainy and poor quality as it is, and the bright blue blush that coats his cheeks. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Gordon’s still talking.

“Alright, uh, let’s do some stupid faces.” He suggests, looking up at the display screen instead of the camera as he sticks his tongue out and scrunches up his nose. He looks so cute it physically pains his chest, but Benrey does his best to follow his lead. Raising his pointer fingers to the side of his lips, he hooks his fingers around the edges and pulls them back, crossing his eyes with the motion.

It’s a bit uncomfortable to hold the position until the camera flashes, but not awful. Gordon seems pleased, at the very least.

Click.

“OH, we should do- fuck okay, put your back to mine and like, put a finger gun up in the air.” Gordon commands, already turning to press his back against Benrey. It’s a tight squeeze in a booth made for teenagers, but Benrey complies.

“i can’t believe you’re making us do some dumb charlie’s angels nerd bullshit. nerd ass wants to be a super spy soooo bad.” He teases, finally managing to find his voice. Even if it is only to bully the object of his affections. Gordon laughs - he can feel it on his back, and man those vibrations shouldn’t make his heart flutter like that - and shushes him, his gaze meeting the camera as the countdown begins.

Click.

Benrey gets stupid ideas all the time. He gets impulsive ideas that get stuck in his head and get him in trouble because he just couldn’t let it go. They seem like great ideas at the moment, and usually, it takes someone (Tommy) sitting down and explaining that this idea was poorly planned before it dislodges itself from his mind.

But Tommy isn’t here right now, and he’s alone in a photo booth with Gordon.

He’s speaking again, but they can’t hear him past the pounding in his ears. Benrey turns around, grabbing his friend’s cheeks with gentle hands. They’re probably sweaty and gross from how nervous he is and how long he’s been holding Gordon’s hand, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He stops talking mid-sentence, staring back at the alien who holds his face so reverently. There’s a countdown happening on the screen, but he can’t make out the numbers properly.

They lean forward just as Gordon goes to speak again, capturing his lips in their own.

Y’know that scene in ratatouille where Remy takes his first bite of the cheese and the strawberry and there’s this explosion behind his eyes and there’s that jazzy music playing and you get your first real sense of how this is what Remy loves - that the music that food makes is his one true love?

It’s like that, but Benrey’s not a rat. And Gordon doesn’t taste like cheese or strawberry.

Click.

Benrey hesitates as he goes to open his eyes, but he has to… see. See that this is real, that it’s not some fantasy his love-addled brain concocted while he was too busy being a loser.

He peels his eyes open, their lips separating, only to be greeted by the sight of Gordon’s eyes fluttering open like he’s been dazed. There’s a pause, a breathless beat where they’re just staring at each other before reality kicks back in.

Gordon’s eyes widen abruptly, and he rips his head back so hard he slams it right into the side of the booth.

Hands left dangling uselessly in the air, Benrey blinks in surprise as he hisses in pain, reaching up to rub at the bump that’s sure to form. A laugh bubbles out of Gordon’s throat, tinged with nervous energy as he climbs out of the booth.

“You put a lot of dedication into the theme, Benrey.” He calls through the fabric of the booths’ false door, the sound just barely reaching Benrey’s mind as he sits in the booth forgotten, stone still in his shock and misery.

Alright, that had to be a rejection. Three strikes - you’re OUT. He kissed the man right on the mouth, there was no way this was being ‘misconstrued’ if not wholly on purpose. Benrey opens his mouth to respond and only manages a few dejected balls of dark blue, watching helplessly as they fall through the floor.

Ratatouille was never going to be the same.

Benrey forces himself to move, to get out of the booth, only to be greeted by Gordon’s smiling face. The audacity to smile at him at a time like this. He’s angered by the way it makes his heart pound, now that he knows the way his lips feel against his own. He grabs the second set of printed pictures when they’re offered, sliding them into his pocket haphazardly without a glance at the images. He’s pretty sure he’ll see that rejection behind his eyes for the next 10 million years, he doesn’t need actual photo evidence.

Gordon’s still talking to him, but he’s completely checked out. He can feel him starting to get frustrated with the sudden shutdown, but he’s not great at masking his emotions all the time. By the time they find the others, the tension is palpable if the way Tommy looks between the pair with concern is any indication.

Benrey floats his way through the rest of the day, though their outing doesn’t last much longer. The grandpas like to be home before 9 pm, and it’s already 7:30. He climbs his way into the back of the SVU with the rest of the gang, ignoring the confused glances from Gordon and the concerned ones from Tommy.

When they arrive back at Gordon’s apartment, he heads right towards Tommy’s bright yellow Volkswagen beetle, not even trying to ‘punch buggy’ Gordon like he usually does. He can hear his roommate excusing his behavior behind him, but he can’t find it within him to feel as guilty as he should. He just got majorly rejected, he’s allowed to be moody.

The ride home is mostly had in silence on Benrey’s end, though he tries really hard to listen to what Tommy’s saying. When they got separated, Tommy led Bubby and Coomer over towards the food court, where Bubby and Cooomer promptly started a food fight.

“I- I didn’t know it was possible to have- have a food fight at a car- carnival, but they managed it!” He chirps, and Benrey ignores the way his eyes linger on his profile for longer than they should.

Getting home is the tipping point for the man, who sets his keys down on the hallway table and immediately steers Benrey away from his room and towards the couch.

Ah yes, the couch, where Tommy assured him he hadn’t been rejected the last time. This was going to be a recurring event. The Gordon Break-Up Couch.

Benrey huffs as the man sits across from him, cocking his head to the side expectantly.

“Well?” Tommy pressures, not unkindly, gesturing for Benrey to begin. “Tell me wh- what happened with Freeman that’s got you s-s-so upset.”

He sighs, casting his gaze down at the floor. It feels stupid now that he has to lay it all out, but talking about your feelings is supposed to help or whatever, so here we go.

“when uh, when we got separated me and uh.” Benrey puffs his cheeks out momentarily, then blows it all out in a puff of air. “me and gordon went through that uh, art part of the carnival. there was a photo booth near the end and we went in or whatever and started taking pictures.” He pauses, hesitant to complete the story. Tommy waits patiently as Benrey picks at the lint on his socks, legs pulled up beneath him on the couch so he can be as comfortable as possible in this truly uncomfortable time.

“we took a few stupid ones and then my brain was like-” he sits up, gesturing with his hands “‘-y’know what would be a super great idea? if we kissed gordon right now.’ and i was like ‘oh shit brain, you’re so right.’ and so i uh. i did it.”

Tommy’s face brightens up for a beat, ready to congratulate him before he realizes there’s probably more to the story. Benrey wouldn’t be ready to cocoon himself in his bedroom for 3 years if this had gone well. He pauses for a beat to let them collect themselves, only speaking up when it doesn’t look like they’re going to do it on their own.

“What happened?” He questions, leaning forward to grab Benrey’s hand in his own so he stops picking at his socks. They’re very good socks, he’d be sad later if he tore a hole in them. The alien blows a raspberry, tossing his head back like talking about this was physically harmful to discuss.

“sssso i kissed him. he seemed super into it at first and then he opened his eyes and saw it was me and he pulled back so hard he smacked his head into the wall.” Benrey huffs again, leaning his head back and releasing a few somber gray lights towards the ceiling. They make it out a few feet before dropping down through the floor. He’s sure their downstairs neighbor will not enjoy the impromptu lights show, but there’s not much he can do about it now.

“Oh, Benrey…” Tommy’s tone is so sympathetic it hurts, and Benrey can’t even meet his eye. There’s a pause, and he can practically hear the cogs turning in the other man’s head as he works through a solution. Always a problem solver.

“This happened in a photo bo- booth, right? Can I s- see the pictures?” He speaks gently like Benrey’s a frightened animal. It’d be more insulting if it wasn’t helping. He reaches into his pocket, pulling out the photo strip and passing it over with averted eyes.

There’s a beat as Tommy inspects the pictures, and then a laugh breaks the silence. He whips his gaze towards the other, face twisted in anger.

“i’m glad my suffering is funny to you.” He seethes, moving to slide off the couch. Tommy rolls his eyes, grabbing Benrey’s hand before he can make it very far.

“I- I’m not laughing at you. J- just look at these pictures, I know you haven’t yet.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong.

Benrey hesitates, staring at the piece of paper like it’d burn him if it touched his skin, only relenting when Tommy fixes him with an especially exasperated look.

When he turns his eyes onto the images, he can feel his throat close up near immediately. His eyes catch onto the first image, like going down them one by one will save him from having to face the last image.

It’s an innocent enough picture, two best bros making stupid faces at a camera, and they just… both look so happy. Gordon’s eyes are crinkled at the sides, his crows' feet making his squinted eyes even more joyful. Benrey’s face is tinted blue but no less exuberated, eyes crossed like there’s something on his nose.

He slides his gaze down to the next image.

Gordon’s stifling laughter in this one, face pulled into the worst impression of a serious expression he’s ever seen in his life. His face flushed with laughter, his stupid finger gun pointed up at the sky. Benrey looks at his face and snorts - this was clearly when he’d gotten the idea for his genius move, his face is ten times as blue and he’s trying to look at Gordon out of the corner of his eye.

Benrey’s eyes slide down of their own volition, and the sound of his heart beating drowns out any other sense.

Their lips are pressed together, Benrey’s clawed hands holding Gordon’s cheeks like he was a precious gift and - and Gordon looks so happy. He looks so happy it hurts. It doesn’t - it doesn’t make any sense. The Gordon in this image looks like he’d been waiting years for Benrey to make a move, like he practically has hearts spinning around his head every time they step into a room, and the real Gordon had been so desperate to get away from him that he’d smacked his head into the wall.

Tommy must’ve sensed his confusion because he speaks up again.

“I- I’m not an expert, but that d- doesn’t look like a rejection to m- me.” He hums, smug in the way he always is when he’s right about something. Which he always is, the bastard.

“i don’t understand, bro, he looks so- so-” Benrey groans, flopping back onto the couch and covering his face with his hands. Tommy waits for a beat before reaching over, patting their arm comfortingly.

“Ma- Maybe he thought it was another joke. H- he can be rather ob- oblivious.” The taller man leans towards the coffee table, grabbing the remote and switching it on as Benrey wordlessly climbs into his lap.

“how am i supposed to get him to understand?” He grumbles, settling back into his customary ‘head-in-Tommy’s-lap’ position.

There’s a moment of quiet as Tommy shuffles through the Netflix categories, heading towards the cheesy comedy section.

“Just try again?” He suggests, looking down at the man in his lap.

The resulting groan is nearly loud enough to rattle the coffee table.

Chapter Text

Being an extraterrestrial creature will woefully under prepare you for many human experiences.

Things like tricking the government into giving you a social security number or going grocery shopping for the first time seem like baby steps when compared to complex things like human connection. How was he supposed to know what a ‘tone’ was, or how to indicate it? Humans have these ridiculous notions about texting too much or too little and all of these societal norms that he was never raised to know and -

Benrey huffs a multicolored whine as they stare down at the phone on the table, glaring as if it were taunting them with its black screen. His eyes break away from the square only to follow the sweet voice he’s produced as it floats through the air, popping a few feet away.

Yellow like honey to brown like tea, the Tommy in his mind provides, means I am feeling anxiety.

Of course, he’s anxious, but anxiety is a perfectly normal thing to feel when you’re attempting to put your heart on the line for the THIRD time. This is the last strike, he doesn’t have any more lives. Save files’ corrupted, this is the last try.

His eyes settle back on the table in front of him, and the overwhelming urge to scrap the whole idea attacks his throat like a tidal wave. He hadn’t made the call yet, there would be no repercussions if he simply… walked away.

But then he’d be stuck exactly where he was.

Benrey snatches the phone off the table, swiping it open with his phone and pulling up the contacts list as fast as he can. His background smiles at him in the interim, showcasing a picture he’d taken of Gordon laughing at something he’d said.

It wasn’t that nice of a picture, all things considered - Gordon’s face was crinkled with laughter, and the edges were blurry since his own shoulders were shaking with mirth, but still, they’d spent quite a few hours staring longingly at the bright screen under the cloak of night. If he thinks hard enough, he can practically still hear the laughter ringing in his ears.

The keypad pulls up as he reminisces, forcing him to remember what exactly he’d come here for in the first place. Right, a man on a mission. He clears his throat, tapping away at the screen for a beat. His fingers instinctively tap out the first few numbers of Gordon’s phone number - the first number he’d memorized after Tommy’s, even when the guy still hated his guts.

Benrey hesitates over the green call button, teeth catching on the soft skin of his lip as he agonizes over the decision. Worst comes to worst, it would be awkward for a while. It wasn’t going to go back to how it was at Black Mesa.

It was never going to be like that again.

His nail taps against the screen as he presses the flat of his thumb to the little green circle, raising his hand to press the flat of the phone against his ear. He distantly recalls something he heard some lady talking about, something about phones and radiation, and he almost laughs just at the memory alone. With the amount of radiation he produces, he’s probably a bigger danger to the electronic in his hands than it is to him.

His laughter is cut off by the sound of the call being accepted, Gordon’s voice filtering through the tinny phone speakers but a second later.

“Hey, dude, what’s up?” There’s rustling in the background, the sound of plastic bags being moved around. “I just got home.” Likely from shopping, considering the noises. Benrey forces his expression to relax, despite the fact he cannot actually see him right now. Being this cool is a full-body operation.

“oh? nerd ass feetman went uh, went shoppin, huh? didja get any gamer snacks for- for your best bud benrey? huh?” He mentally winces at the naturally antagonistic tone, but he hears Gordon huff a laugh under his breath.

“I did, actually, I got those sour candy things you like so much. I thought you could come over tomorrow or something, and we could work through more of Chulip?”

“dude, yes.” Benrey rushes to accept, then pauses. Remember what you’re here for. “i mean, uh, no. i got plans.”

“Oh.” He sounds almost upset, which isn’t what he wanted, but he won’t deny that the idea Gordon is upset that they can’t hang out does something funny to his chest. “What are you doing? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“i’m going to the aquarium,” they announce, eyes slipping closed as he listens to the other man move around his kitchen.

“Oh yeah?” The plastic bag rustling gets louder.

“we’re going to the aquarium. th- i mean,” his eyes pop open in a panic as he instinctively straightens up his posture. “do you want to, i mean. go to the aquarium. with me.” Benrey scrunches his face up, ready for rejection after his shoddy attempt at an invitation.

“There’s an aquarium around here? Sick, I’d love to. What time do you wanna meet up, I can drive us,” Gordon continues on, the sound of groceries being nonchalantly put away the backdrop to his own personal hell.

He’d said yes, though.

He clears his throat, hashing out the details in a daze as he stares blankly at the ceiling above him. By the time Gordon is hanging up, with a promise to meet up at noon, Benrey’s so out of it he almost forgets what he has planned.

“Alright, later Ben. I’ll see you tomorrow.” There’s a brief pause in the conversation as Gordon politely waits for Benrey to gather his thoughts and respond, as he so oft has to do.

“yeah.” He hesitates, taking a deep breath. “it’s a date.”

Immediately as the words leave his mouth he ends the phone call, too anxious to sit and listen to whatever reaction Gordon may have. Disgust? Rage? The thought of it is nearly too much to bear, and he can feel regret plaguing his mind immediately.

His phone chimes in his hand, and instinctively he pulls up the screen to check it.

It’s from Gordon.

[ GORDON ] to [ BENREY ]
If this is a date I expect flowers. /j
[ GORDON ] to [ BENREY ]
:kissing_heart:

A wave of relief and frustration hits him at once. A common combination around Gordon, but one that annoys him all the same. He thought he was joking yet again. This situation felt like an emotional groundhog day, but there was no Bill Murray to soothe his woes, only the burn of sweet voice in his throat.

The next day, as he’s waving goodbye to Tommy - feeling distinctly like a kid getting dropped off at their friend’s house for a sleepover - he finds himself bubbling with a cocktail of nerves that tastes like straight lemon juice on his tongue, burning the same way as it tries to escape his throat.

Probably not a great date-impression if he shows up with murky brown emotions spit down the length of his shirt, though.

He steps up to the front door, rapping his knuckles against the metal of it with a few quick strikes. Gordon had told him several times he was free to just walk in - most of the science team did, regardless of permission or not - but after all he’d put the other man through paranoia-wise, it seemed like the least he could do was knock on the door before entering.

As they wait for him to open the door, their eyes slide down the bouquet of flowers in his opposite hand.

Gordon’s comment was a joke, obviously, he’d even added a tone indicator, but if he wanted to be taken seriously then it was probably best to just… follow what he said. If he wanted flowers to make this a date, then he’d get flowers.

He even went as far as to get them from an actual florist, and not just the Wal-Mart down the road. It was Tommy’s suggestion, one offered over dinner once he’d gotten home from work and had been filled in on the day’s events.

“M- maybe a m-more genuine show of af- affection will show your i- intentions? I- if it’s a cheap bouquet, then ma- maybe you’re just playing along, but if i- it’s a, uhm, if it’s a full arrangement, that’s less, ah, easy to misconstrue?” He’d suggested, pausing for a beat as he waited for Benrey to mull over the idea in his mind. It wasn’t like they were exactly hurting for cash, and he had wanted this to be as date-y as possible.

Is date-y a word? Date-ish? Date-esque? He’d furrowed his brow, staring into space for a beat as he chewed on his food. Luckily for him, Tommy is more than used to his lack of an attention span, and had patiently waited for their mind to kick back into gear. By the time Benrey has realized the proper term is ‘romantic’, his roommate was picking up the conversation exactly where they’d left it.

“A-and it’s just nice. He ma- may have been joking, but flowers are always nice to receive.” Tommy waved his fork in the air as he spoke, nodding like this was some great truth and not a purely opinionated fact. Benrey didn’t even like flowers that much - they always made his face kind of itchy - but maybe Gordon did. It wouldn’t hurt to try.

Except now, standing in front of the familiar door, hearing the footsteps from inside, he feels like the bundle of flora is going to burn a hole right through his hand. Would Gordon notice if he just tossed them in the bushes? Would it be bad for the bushes? Would the weird plant food the florist gave him make the bushes evolve and become ultra-powerful and destroy the world?

Probably not.

Might be cool, though.

Benrey’s halfway through reaching for the packet of plant food when the door pulls open, leaving him standing in front of Gordon like a criminal under a spotlight.

“Yo, dude I-” Gordon pauses as he takes in the scene before him, eyes catching on Benrey’s startled expression before settling on the bundle of flowers in his hand.

The bouquet itself is really pretty, even if he’s not a big flower guy. There are these yellow flowers that the guy said were ‘of the’ something, typical roses, and then a bunch of white flowers with like 800 petals that he couldn’t pronounce the name of. Crystal something. The spaces between are filled with a ‘filler’ plant named after some royal that he’d immediately forgotten the name of. Altogether it wasn’t bad looking, and it had cost him like, 40 bucks.

Gordon looks absolutely dumbstruck by the presence of the flowers, blinking stupidly at the bundle with his mouth agape. Looks like a fish, a bit - kind of fitting, considering what today’s supposed to be.

...If Gordon ever stopped staring at actually let them get going.

“you uh, you good? feetman went and uh, went and bluescreened? y2k real shit?” He prods, holding out the flowers towards Gordon in hopes that the shaking of petals would snap him out of whatever stupor he seemed to find himself in. Luckily it seemed to work as the other man visibly shook his head, finally tearing his gaze away from the flowers and back towards Benrey’s face.

Was it just his eyesight or did Gordon look red? Like, really red? Were humans supposed to be that red? Was he sick? It would be so sucks if he was sick after Benrey went through the emotional labor of getting here.

Oh, but then he could help nurse him back to health. Some real sick-fic indulgence in here, he could put on a sexy maid costume and everything it would be like that one episode of SpongeBob but they’d totally kiss at the end, and like, he wouldn’t even care about Gordon’s weird human germs because he’s got way weirder alien germs and whatever and -

He jerks out of his fantasy to the sensation of the bouquet being pulled from his hands, blinking as his brain cycles back through the last few seconds.

Oh, Gordon’s gonna go put it in a vase or something. Right, that’s what the plant guy told him to do.

“don’t forget to feed the little guys, uh, the gamer juice.” He calls after him, stepping into the doorway so he’s not awkwardly waiting outside like some sorta creep. Did he look like a creep? He takes stock of the baseball cap that he’s expertly tucked all his hair into, coupled with the black bomber jacket and jeans, and concludes that he looks like a totally normal guy. One hundred percent not a creep, maybe just an NPC in a GTA game.

“I’m pretty sure plants can’t drink Mountain Dew, dude.” Gordon calls from the kitchen, raising his voice to be heard over the sound of running water. “That’d probably kill them.”

“nah man they came with uh-” He smacks his lips, cocking his head back as he struggles to think of the name for the little packet. Plant uh… plant sustenance. No. Plant energy? Man, what the hell was it? Benrey squints up at the ceiling as Gordon pads back into the room, setting the bouquet down on his now-clean coffee table. He only cleans that up when Joshua’s comin’ over, which means this coming week is probably a custody week.

Also means no awkwardly flirting with Gordon during game night, but hey - if today goes well, maybe he won’t have to. Awkwardly flirt, that is. Does flirting become less awkward when you’re dating? Maybe he could ask Coomer about th- FOOD.

“FOOD.” He repeats, snapping his fingers together as the word appears in his mind. Gordon barely acknowledges the abrupt outburst, more than used to the sudden recalling of trailed off sentences. He’s prone to do it himself, it’d be hypocritical if he made a fuss about volume now or ever.

“Plants don’t eat food, they use photosynthesis.” He argues though the mirth in his eyes proves full well he knows that the packet isn’t actually ‘food’ and he’s just being contradictory for the sake of being contradictory.

“what are you, some kinda plant nerd? oh look at me i’m mister fuckin… gordon freeman phd, got a degree in uh, theoretical physics, plant food, and havin’ a dump truck.” Benrey sneers, though he’s struggling against a smile as Gordon throws his head back to laugh. He takes it as encouragement, stepping forward as his friend struggles to catch his breath.

“oooh ahhh look at me i got thrown outta the sexy nerd club for being a way sexier nerd than all those plebs, oooh i’m too good to feed the plants my bestest friend benny got me ‘cause it’s not really food and now they’re gonna die.” He drags out the last word, trying to look sad about the possibility of dead plants even as his eyes catch on the flush high on Gordon’s cheeks. He really was super red, was he like, okay? Maybe it was the lack of oxygen flow from how hard he was laughing at his epic science jokes. He’ll give him a break, for now.

“Shut up, dude, seriously.” Gordon finally manages, wiping moisture from the corner of his eyes as he catches his breath. “Go sit in the car or something, I’ll feed the flowers on my way out.” He gestures towards the door, and Benrey shoots a glance back at the vase on the table before making his way towards the outside.

“alright but i dont think this is enough to let you back into the club. i’ll put in a good word b- but idk-” He pronounces each letter, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. “you might be outta luck.”

Gordon snorts again, breath wheezy as he replies.

“You’re not even a science nerd, asshole.”

“nah, but i am sexy.” Benrey grins smugly, all false bravado, which sends Gordon into another cacophony of laughter. The sound of which follows him all the way out to the car, where he fights the smile on his lips.

It isn’t long until they’re on the road, the volume turned up about as loud as either of them can stand it, though it’s only just barely covering the sound of Gordon’s own voice, which joins in on every song.

Most of it’s a genre he’s been informed is called ‘Dad Rock’, which at the very least feels fitting considering. The song he’s singing now seems to be about dying young, which seems morbid to him but Gordon seems pretty jazzed about it.

“-nly the good die young!” Gordon crows, smacking his hands against the steering wheel to the beat of the song. Benrey flicks his eyes towards the road, but they don’t seem to be in immediate danger of hitting anyone, so he supposes it’s fine.

“You might have heard I run with a dangerous crowd,” he continues, shooting a glance at Benrey, who blinks back at him. “We ain't too pretty we ain't too proud.” They take offense to that, scrunching up their nose a bit even as Gordon continues to sing.

“We might be laughing a bit too loud,” he turns the wheel as they pull into the parking lot, eyes now focused on the glass in front of him as he searches for a spot. Luckily there aren’t too many people here today, considering it’s the middle of a school day. Gordon turns into a spot, putting the car in park and leaning towards Benrey as he recites the next line.

“Aw but that never hurt no one.” He speaks, tone sounding more conversational than musical. Gordon keeps humming to himself even as he puts the car in park, leaving Benrey to battle with the rush of warmth that threatens his throat.

Bubblegum permeates every one of his senses as he swallows against the onslaught of lovestruck sweet voice that builds in his throat. He turns away from Gordon, climbing out of the car as quickly as he can manage without being described as ‘scrambling’, releasing the stream of sickly sweet bubbles into the sky as fast as he can.

They float into the air, swarming around his head like the world’s most ridiculous rain cloud. He curses and hops in the air slightly, waving his arms around to try and dispel the hoard of raw emotion that surrounds him. Gordon seems sufficiently distracted by his routine of triple-checking his bag before leaving the car, but that won’t last forever.

By the time he clears the cloud his chest is heaving a bit, tired by the exertion of waving away the sweet voice. He relaxes as the final bubble pops, leaving him breathless as he slumps against Gordon’s car

…only to make eye contact with a truly dumbstruck child, who presumably saw everything if his wide-eyed stare is anything to go by.

Benrey stares back at the child, unblinking. This wasn’t the first time someone’s seen him produce sweet voice in public, but it never gets any easier to explain away.

“i uh, i ate bubblegum. when i was your age.” He explains, trying to make his voice sound serious. “now i’m cursed w- with uh, bubbles. don’t eat bubblegum, kid, or you’ll end up like me.” Benrey opens his mouth, releasing a flimsy line of neutral blue into the air.

To his credit, the kid looks sufficiently convinced.

However, they also look on the verge of tears. He nods once, and the kid takes off like a bolt back towards what is presumably their family. He’d either successfully deterred that kid away from bubblegum, or traumatized a random child.

At least he wasn’t going to area 51.

He looks up from where he’d been staring after the kid, focusing instead on Gordon as he joins his side. He raises an eyebrow at their slumped over position, following his gaze towards the family who are now giving the pair an ugly glare.

It’s not hard to determine the basics of what happened. Gordon sighs and rolls his eyes, raising his hand sheepishly at the mother, who only glares harder and ushers her child into her minivan. He turns towards Benrey with his own disapproving look, which only serves to make him shrink further against the car. His glare only lasts a moment before he holds out his hand, waiting for Benrey to grab it so he can heft them to their feet properly.

“I don’t wanna know what you just did, but don’t do it again.” His voice is definitely upset, but he doesn’t sound angry with him. At the very least, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to call off the whole thing, which is the bare minimum that Benrey could hope for.

“C’mon, man.” Gordon drops his hand once he’s standing up straight, which he should have expected but disappoints him nonetheless. He shoves his hands in his pockets, catching up to his friend who’d already started towards the door with his long-ass strides. Curse the man for being so tall.

Once they actually get inside, the minor hiccup is quickly forgotten amongst the wonder the large tanks offer. Benrey isn’t really sure what most of the fish are, but they look more alien than anything else he’s seen on earth. Makes him feel at home, almost.

He battles the sudden wave of homesickness by stepping in front of one of the larger tanks, gesturing behind him with one arm. The tank behind him houses a rather large and nasty looking fish - bar something?

“here we have the uh, bard. bard fish. this fish can belt like nobodies’ business dude it’s like, so sick.” He explains, nodding confidently as Gordon smothers a laugh with his hand. “these lil guys are renowned for having sick dj battles under the ocean. ariel fuckin’ wishes she had this, ok?”

“If the real thing don’t do the trick…” Gordon hums, biting back laughter. “You better make up somethin’ quick.” Benrey blinks blankly at the reference, which drags the smile away from his face.

“Oh man, have you never heard Barracuda? Dude, we gotta fix that, it’s a classic.” He looks excited about the prospect, which is good. Benrey didn’t really see the point behind most music that wasn’t a soundtrack to something, but he didn’t mind listening with Gordon. He always got really excited about the old songs like some sorta dweeb. Dweeb man.

Pretty dweeb man though.

They walk through more of the exhibits, Benrey carrying on with his fake tour guide spiel as he points out random fish. Gordon’s laughter only spurs him on further, voice raising a bit to be heard as he doles out wholly incorrect and increasingly preposterous facts about the animals on display.

By the time they reach the ‘petting’ zoo part of the aquarium, a gaggle of parents are watching them with disapproval, to which Benrey responds to very maturely by sticking his tongue out at them when Gordon’s back is turned.

All in all, it’s going great.

They step into the little designated touching area, greeted by a teenager who looks like they’d rather be anywhere else than here. Said teenager gives them a quick run down on the rules - no trying to feed the fish, no splashing, no trying to pick up the animals - and sets them off on their own.

Benrey eyes the cool waters with trepidation, but Gordon wastes no time rolling up his sleeves and sticking his hand into the tank. His nose scrunches up at the first touch, but it quickly softens into a smile. If they notice the way he avoids bringing his right hand close to his water, they decide not to mention it. He turns back towards the circular pool, sniffing once before sliding his bomber jacket off one shoulder.

The sleeves on the shirt underneath are short enough he doesn’t need to roll them up, instead just dipping his fingers under the waves.

Unsurprisingly it’s cold, and he furrows his brow against the temperature but keeps his hand underneath anyway. It doesn’t take long for a manta ray to glide past, and he takes the opportunity to brush his fingers against it’s back.

“tt’s slimy.” He grouses, pulling his hand out of the water to inspect it for any remaining residue. There was nothing there, just water, but it’s always possible the water itself had cleaned off the slime.

“No it’s not, it’s just underwater.” Gordon explains, petting another manta as it passes by. “They’re just fish, they’re not coated in mucus or whatever.”

Benrey blinks down at the tank, feeling a bit stupid. That makes more sense - it would take a lot of slime to keep them constantly coated while underwater, but he’s too proud to admit defeat so easily.

“oh yeah? explain this then.” He sticks his hand back under the water, just enough to splash the bottom of Gordon’s arm. It doesn’t do any real damage - at worst it moistens the bottom of his shirt sleeve, but the other man sputters in outrage all the same.

He looks down at his sleeve and then back up at Benrey, who regards him with a shit-eating grin.

“You are such a fucking child.” Gordon hisses, but it’s not hard to see the way he’s fighting a grin.

“oh yeah? expla-” Benrey’s cut off by Gordon splashing him in return, just enough to wet the hair on his arm. He exclaims quietly, quickly splashing back in retaliation. Gordon tries to keep his face schooled into something ‘angry’ or perhaps even ‘disgruntled’ but he can only fight the grin on his face for so long.

Their splash fight continues for just a minute until a sharp voice calls across the room, asking them very politely to cut it out or be removed from the aquarium.

Benrey pouts but removes his hand from the water nonetheless, shaking off the droplets as best he can before shoving his arm back through his jacket sleeve. Gordon, on the other hand, turns bright red yet again and calls out an apology before grabbing Benrey’s still-wet hand and leading him out of the small alcove.

Usually, you don’t find yourself aware of the individual parts of your body. You may be aware of your arm when it hurts, or your legs when they’re tired, but you’re not functionally aware of every part of your body at every moment of every day.

However, Benrey has never been more aware of his right hand in his life.

It’s a bit cold and clammy, though that may just be because of the water he’d been submerged in but a few moments ago. It’s warming up though, and quickly, due to the pounding of his heart. His eyes are transfixed on the places his skin presses against Gordon’s, the point of contact only marred by the water droplets pooling in their palms.

He’d pull away to dry his hand, but he’s not sure if Gordon would let him grab on again, so he just holds on tight.

Gordon is talking, but the words don’t really register in his mind. It’s probably something about how immature he was, despite the fact that Gordon had been a wholly active participant in their little battle. It takes two to tango, as they say. Can’t play co-op by yourself.

“lotta uh, lotta choice for someone who definitely also splashed me.” He cuts in, pretending that he’d been paying attention the whole time. He can feel his heartbeat in his fingertips, is that normal?

“W- wuh, I- That’s not the point! You started it!” He retaliates, pausing in his quick stride. Benrey is thankful - his legs were starting to get tired, and the grip on his hand meant he couldn’t lag behind.

“now who sounds immature, huh?”

“Okay, which one of us thought manta rays could be slimy?”

“i stand by that. they’re all uh, lil ocean slimer. Gotta go all ghost fish busters on their ass. you can be spengler since you’re such a lil nerd bitch.”

“Hi, I’m sorry-” Whatever Gordon was about to say is cut off as someone butts into their conversation, Benrey instinctively sliding his expression into something more neutral. The small woman in front of them certainly doesn’t look like a threat, but he puts himself between them and Gordon just in case. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but you two are like, so cute together.”

There’s a beat of silence between them as the pair digests what’s just been said, at which point Gordon turns a very interesting shade of red, and Benrey lets a smile take over the disinterested mask he’d adorned at the beginning of this interaction.

This was his chance, clearly.

He presses his smaller form against Gordon’s side, which only serves to make him more flustered, holding their entwined fingers close to his heart like it was something special. It was, to him, but he had to really play it up if he wanted to sell this bit.

“i totally know, right?” He agrees, looking up at Gordon as he drags out his shitty valley-girl impression. “don’t you think we’re like, sooo cute babe?” Benrey prods, delighting as Gordon seems at a loss for words. The woman who’d first approached them smiles, bowing their head slightly as they step back.

“I hope you two have a nice night!” They call, and Benrey waves back cheerily as Gordon fights for control over his mind. Rebooting one gordon_freeman.exe, please hold.

“Dude, that was mean.” He finally manages, looking down at Benrey with a hint of disapproval. This wasn’t even the ‘I’m-trying-to-look-disappointed-but-that-was-really-funny’ look, it was just the ‘I’m-disappointed’ look. Uh oh. “They were trying to be nice - you shouldn’t’ve lied like that.”

Benrey blinks quickly, looking down at their hands and then back up to Gordon, furrowing his brow. That… probably had sounded more antagonistic than he’d meant - he hopes the stranger hadn’t thought he was making fun of them. He shoots a look back at the crowd, but they seem to have disappeared.

Gordon hadn’t taken well to it either, but it seemed more that he was upset with the way Benrey had reacted to the stranger, rather than the actual joke itself. He forces his shoulders to shrug, pulling himself a bit away from his friend.

“doesn’t, y’know, have to be a lie.” He mumbles, looking down at the ground so he doesn’t have to meet the brown eyes that are burning a hole straight through the brim of his snapback.

“What?” He hears, instinctively looking up to see - oh. Gordon was gesturing towards his ear, he actually hadn’t heard what he’d said. Benrey looks around, taking note of the fact the aquarium was a lot busier than it’d been when they’d arrived. School had probably let out or somethin’.

“i said, uh-” Benrey blinks, the words catching in his throat. Saying it the first time was hard enough, and doing this all here in this increasingly public place… it didn’t sit right.

“would it be so bad if we were?” He tries instead, batting his eyelashes overdramatically to showcase that this was a ‘joke.’ “we already know people think we’re cute now, think about it bro we could fuckin’, get into movies and shit for free. certified sappy bastards, dude, think about it.”

There’s a beat where Gordon just stares at him. His eyes search their face like he’s looking for something, but he gives up quickly enough and sighs, nodding his head towards the door.

“Whatever man, c’mon. It’s too crowded in here.” Gordon huffs, turning to make his way out of the building.

He didn’t let go of Benrey’s hand, though.

It was something. Just gotta try again.

As he watches Gordon’s profile in the car, he finds himself more hopeful than he’s ever been. Maybe Tommy was right.

He should tell him that later.

Chapter Text

    Another day, another breakdown, same metal door.

  It’s practically mocking him at this point, with its chipping paint and its unyielding stare. Not that it had any eyes. He had plenty of eyes. That’s at least something he has over the door. 

  Which he’s trying to mentally assert superiority over. This is what he’s become. 

   He doesn’t even know what he’s freaking out about this time - it was just video game night, like always.

   Video game night with Gordon and Joshua.

   Joshua was a variable - someone he needed to impress. Yeah, the kid was like 6, but he was important to Gordon, which means he was important to Benrey. Even as, y’know, cheesy as that may sound. 

  Gordon had been kinda sheepish about the change in plans, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. His ex had some big work thing out of state, and they’d left Joshua with his dad for an extra week.  Not that Gordon had minded - he loves his son more than anything, but he hadn’t wanted to skip out on their little ritual.

  “I know how important routine is to you - I’m sorry to switch things around last minute.” His voice had been apologetic, the sound of cartoons playing in the background. “We can do it next week if you want?”

  “nah, ‘course not.” Benrey shrugged, rolling his head to the side. His eyes had flickered to Tommy’s face, sitting next to him on the couch. The man looked excited for him, if not a bit soured by the fact they had to pause the movie to take the phone call. “joshie loves me, im like the perfect role model.”

  Gordon snorted into the receiver, and he could imagine the way he threw his head back with that particular laugh. He’d probably rolled his eyes and shook his head right then, even though Benrey couldn’t even see the fond dismissal. 

  And, well, saying Joshua loved him might be pushing it a bit, but it wasn’t a lie, necessarily. 

   In all honesty, he didn’t have much experience with the kid. Gordon had only finally allowed them to meet about a year or so ago, and Benrey got kinda nervous around kids. They were so impressionable - what if he made some off-hand comment about the way the kid breathed or whatever and he grew up with a complex about his lungs or something?

  The thought of having that much influence over someone’s life was terrifying.

  But Joshua was Gordon’s kid, and he wanted to at least try to know him. And he was a pretty good kid, from what he’d seen. Quick on the wit as a 6-year-old could manage to be.

  He needed to rack up Gordon Friendship Points, anyways. This was just a quest.

  Quest objective: Become friends with Joshua.

  Quest reward: The enchanted armor that will let him defeat the final boss, feelings. 

 “Alright, dude, whatever you say.” He’d been dragged out of his imagination by Gordon’s voice crackling through the speakers once more. “Look, it’s the same rules as always. No cursing, no weird alien stuff other than Sweet Voice, and just, in general, try to not be too much of a di-” There’s a cut off noise as the man caught himself, and Benrey could just imagine the way his eyes just flashed towards his kid. 

   “are you good on those rules yourself? want me to bring the flashcards?” Benrey teased, flopping backward on the couch. There was snickering from above him, and he looked up to see Tommy hiding his smile behind his hands. 

  When Gordon was first introducing Joshua to everyone, he made them personalized flashcards on how to NOT act around his kid. Bubby’s said ‘no lighting anything on fire,’ Coomer’s said ‘no existential crises,’ and Benrey’s simply said ‘no.’ 

  They’d come a long way since then, but he’d kept the card. 

  “No, don’t-” Gordon huffed a laugh, the scratching sound of him dragging a hand over his beard audible through the phone. “Don’t bring the flashcards. I gotta make Josh dinner, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

   “wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He’d replied, ignoring the knowing look from Tommy beside him. 

  And now he was here, staring down the door yet again while Gordon takes ages to answer his door for the fiftieth time. Honestly, it was like the man was trying to get him to reflect on himself every single time he visited. 

   “Hey!” The door pulls open abruptly, revealing Gordon’s smiling face in place of the taunting barrier. “You’re right on time, I just got the V Smile plugged in.”
 

   Benrey follows as they’re ushered into the living room, hands shoved awkwardly into his pockets to hide the way they’re coated in sweat like a teenager going to prom and not a grown man about to play video games with his friend-slash-possible-future-partner’s kid. 

  “BENNY!” An exuberant force greets him as he crosses over the threshold, barreling into his legs and nearly sending him on his ass. His hands fly upwards as if to defend himself, but it’s too late. Joshua is attached to his legs, staring up at him and grinning with that huge smile that only kids can do. 

   “hey lil’ dude, good to see you.” Benrey huffs through a laugh as his hand lowers to brush brown curls out of the kid’s eyes. “couldn’t uh, couldn’t wait to see ol’ benny boy, could’ja?” 

   “He’s been watching the clock for hours.” Gordon reveals, mirth coloring his words as he brushes past the pair and towards the TV. 

  “‘s that right?” He looks down at Joshua, who only widens his smile. “well i can’t leave my dude hangin’ any longer.” Benrey widens his stance, holding his hands out for Joshua to grab onto. “alright, climb on board.”

  Joshua steps onto the tops of Benrey’s sneakers, grabbing onto his hands with the sheer excitement of knowing what comes next.
 
  “and awaaay we go.” He huffs, straining a bit as he picks his foot up with Joshua on top of it. Immediately he starts giggling, and Benrey can’t help the smile that pulls at his lips. 

   Their little dancing ritual had gotten harder as Joshua had gotten bigger, but it was something they did together every time. It’d started as an accident - Josh had accidentally stepped on his foot, and when he tried to move the kid just moved with him. It had turned into a bit of a running thing. 

  “Watch the electronics,” Gordon calls from across the room, and Benrey looks up long enough to stick his tongue out at the man before refocusing on the task at hand.

   “he’s just bigmad he can’t get any of these sick dance moves.” He stage-whispers, grinning as both son and father give near-identical snorts of laughter. The dance was pretty much just a shitty box waltz,  but there wasn’t much he could do with a kid standing on his feet. 

   They manage a solid minute before he’s too tired to continue, shooting Gordon a pleading look. 

   “Alright, c’mon that’s enough.” He instructs, and Joshua pouts a bit at the instruction, tightening his grip on Benrey’s hands. Benrey squeezes back in response. “You wanted to show Benrey your game, right?”
   

   Immediately Joshua perks up, hopping off their feet and scrambling towards the bright orange machine on the ground. Benrey sends Gordon a grateful glance, shaking out his feet for a second before hobbling towards the entertainment center. 

  “you uh-” He squints at the machine, reading the slightly faded logo on the side. “you said this was a V-Smile? what the heck is a uh, v-smile?” Benrey turns towards Gordon as Joshua turns on the TV, settling down on the floor in front of the couch. 

   “It’s this uh, educational console.” He explains, settling on the couch behind Joshua. Benrey deigns to sit on the floor as well, legs crossed beneath him. “Found it on eBay.”

   Joshua waves his hand to get their attention, and his gaze is drawn towards the television, which displays the title screen for Shrek: Dragon’s Tale. 

   “awe sick, this things’ got the green ogre.” Benrey pronounces ‘ogre’ as ‘oh-gra’, drawing yet another laugh from the pair. Fuckin’ killing it tonight, running two for two. “epic dude i love a good soup slammin’ adventure.” 

   Joshua wiggles in his seat, clearly excited as he presses the start game button with a bit more force than strictly necessary. It’s a good thing this console was made for kids - it could likely stand up to a bit more of a beating than an Xbox or something like that.

  But, like, anything was better than an Xbox. 

   The first 30 minutes of play are relatively uneventful, Benrey making the odd comment now and then as he watches Joshua play through the levels with the confidence of someone who’s played through this exact game more than once. 

   That is, of course, until they get to the forest sequence.

  Benrey instinctively perks up as the Lost Woods theme begins to play, posture straightening from where he’d begun to slouch. Joshua looks over at him, cocking his head to the side like a confused pup at the sudden change in demeanor. 

  “is that - yo, is this the lost woods theme?” Benrey asks though he doesn’t know if the child even knows what Legend of Zelda is. Which would be lame, on Gordon’s behalf, for not showing his kid the classics. Gordon Cringe Parent Man.

  “Oh holy shit, it is.” Gordon chimes in from behind him, and Benrey studiously does not jump. He’d kinda forgotten the other man was there, in all honesty, but it’s fine.

  Joshua looks between the both of them, then places the controller down so he can use both hands to sign.

   That’s the game music. He signs, turning his whole body to the side so his father can see his hands from behind him on the couch. It’s from S-H-R-E-K.  

  Apparently, there’s no universal sign for Shrek. Or, if there is, Joshua doesn’t know it.

 “it’s also uh - yeah it’s like, game music, but it’s originally from this game called Ocarina of Time,” Benrey bites his lip, struggling to not start infodumping about the Legend of Zelda to this child. What’s the most succinct way he can put this?

  “Shrek is a thief. the ogre is a thief man and he stole from princess zelda.” He explains, nodding solemnly. This gives Joshua pause, and he looks between the game - which is still playing the cheerful tune on loop - and Benrey.

   Steal? He motions again, cocking his head in the opposite direction this time. 

  “yeah buddy, he’s a royal criminal. on the run from the uh, knights of hyrule.” He’s completely bullshitting now but as he shoots a glance backward he can see Gordon stifling laughter with his hands, so clearly it’s not the bad kind of bullshitting. This could be considered a win, possibly, if he was lenient with his scoring system. 

   Dad says stealing is bad. Joshua signs, looking distressed. Unless they’re bad. Is Princess Z-E-L-D-A bad?

 Uh oh.

  “well, uh-” He stammers, looking desperately at Gordon - who’s trying even harder to stifle laughter. This is no longer a win. “y’see, she’s uh, well she’s a princess. and princesses are what?”

Joshua pauses, furrowing his brow. He’s thinking very hard about his answer, and the sight of his little face scrunched up in concentration makes their chest swell with affection. 

 Rich? He finally guesses, grinning brightly when Benrey nods. 

  “exactly. and you can always steal from the rich.” He explains, grinning when Gordon finally breaks and begins to do that full-belly dad laugh from his perch on the couch.

  “You - you are such a bad influence!” He crows, slapping his knee joyfully as Joshua breaks into peals of laughter. It didn’t seem like he understood what was so funny, but he was having fun giggling just because his father was.

  “dunno what you’re talking about, my man.” Benrey smacks his lips, fighting the grin that threatens him. “this is like, completely solid advice, dude.” 

 “Shut up!” He swats at the alien’s arm, though it doesn’t even come close to connecting. Benrey can’t help but feel close to bursting with some foreign emotion, the warm comfort so unfamiliar that it feels like a fire in his chest. 

  He turns his head to the side, pulling the collar of his hoodie up so he can spit the sweet voice beneath the fabric. 

    Brown like chocolate fondue means I’m glad to be here with you. 

   Gordon, who’d turned to pick up Joshua and pull him into his lap, seemingly doesn’t recognize as Benrey smushes the brown bubbles against his chest, but the same couldn’t be said for the uncomfortably observant child sitting on top of him.

   Are you O-K? He signs, drawing Gordon’s attention. He looks at Benrey, joy quickly melding to concern as they wipe the remnants of sweet voice off the side of their mouth.

  “You don’t have to hide your sweet voice, dude, I told you it’s okay.” He frowns, immediately making Benrey feel guilty for popping the bubbles. It wasn’t that he was like, ashamed of the sweet voice or anything - it was just a very damning sentiment, and one he was nervous to share.

  Damn if those big puppy dog eyes weren’t compelling though. Especially when he looks down and is greeted by a nearly identical pair. Damn genetics. He blows a raspberry, breaking the eye contact.

  “i know that, i just didn’t wanna get e-mo-tion by carly rae jepsen on your carpet or whatever,  i’m considerate as f-” Benrey cuts himself off, looking back at Joshua out of the corner of his eye. “freddy. freddy fazbear, known savior of carpets.”

  It’s a stupid deflection, one that barely makes sense, but it sets Joshua off on another fit of giggles, so Gordon seems content to let it go - but not before giving Benrey another one of those weird, searching looks.

  Weirdo.

    Luckily he’s saved by Joshua announcing he’s tired of Shrek, and demanding they order a pizza.

   Dinner is a noisy affair, all three of them sitting around Gordon’s slightly charred (thanks, Bubby) kitchen table. They listen to Joshua talk about his school friends as best they can, though his dad has to remind him to take a bite now and then as he gets too distracted talking to remember he needs to use his hands to eat, as well.

  After dinner, while Gordon gets to work on the dishes - though there aren’t many, as Joshua won the great pizza debate - Benrey lays on the couch, letting Joshua lay on top of him as he holds the switch above them both.

   They’d made it a good portion of the way through the game on this particular save, and he was eager to keep going. Joshua’s save was pacifist only, of course, and they were just about to find Tem Village. 

  Joshua is gonna love Tem Village.

   Or he would if he hadn’t fallen asleep on top of them. His cheek is pressed to Benrey’s chest, and there’s a small line of drool leaking from his mouth to a suspicious wet spot on the front of their hoodie. Gross.

  Benrey saves the game, setting the switch on the floor beside the couch as gingerly as he can without disturbing Joshua. 

  There was no way he could get up now. Turning on the TV would be too loud, and his phone was still on the dining room table. Only one option here.

  He lets his eyes slip shut, arms wrapped loosely around the child laying on his chest. Joshua moves with the rising of his chest as he breathes, listening to the sound of Gordon moving around in the kitchen.

  He could kinda get used to this.

  Xen creatures didn’t need to sleep much, one of those ‘luxuries you can’t afford’ things, so when he did get the chance to sleep, he reveled in it. Especially a sleep as comfortable as this one, even with Joshua’s knee digging into his stomach a bit. 

  That doesn’t mean he’s not still a light sleeper.

 The click of a camera alone was enough to rouse him from his nap, especially when followed by the bright light of a flash and a quiet curse. One of his eyes peels open, squinting through the darkness at the culprit.

  “loser g- gordon,” His insult is interrupted by a yawn, the heavy intake of air ballooning Joshua up, “can’t even remember to turn off the flash when he takes creep shots.” Benrey grins lethargically as Gordon screws up his face in embarrassment, mouth opening to make some sort of retort.

  A retort that dies on his tongue as Joshua carefully readjusts in place, tucking his head away from the light that Gordon’s phone provides. Benrey raises his hand, placing it on the back of their head to comb through the curls as carefully as he can. That same burning sensation from earlier is back, but this time it doesn’t hurt. It’s just warm.

  “‘s a good kid.” He manages finally, still looking down at Joshua. Benrey tucks the hair out of his eyes, looking up at Gordon in his silence.

  Gordon stares back, expression utterly unreadable. His hands are clenching around nothing like he’s holding himself back, but there’s no indication of just what that may be. Benrey opens his mouth to apologize, on the odd chance he said something wrong - but Gordon just holds up a finger and steps out of the room.

  Had he messed up that badly? All he said was that Joshua was a good kid - and he was, Joshua was a great kid. If he ever were to have a kid, he’d want them to be exactly like Joshie. 

  Or maybe he’d just like to be Joshua’s dad, too. That’d be nice.

  His daydreaming is cut off as Gordon returns, holding a blanket in his arms. It’s patterned with little cowboy memorabilia, clearly something off Joshua’s bed. Benrey lays still as the man drapes it over the both of them, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the top of his kid’s head.

  There’s a breathtaking moment where Gordon pauses, still hovering over the pair, looking at Benrey with that same searching look he keeps using. Whatever he’s looking for, they’re happy to give it to them if it means they lean in just a bit closer. 

  He must find what he’s looking for because he starts to pull away, and Benrey can feel disappointment bubbling up in his throat for barely a second before Gordon ducks down again, pressing a kiss to their forehead.

  His facial hair scratches at his forehead, and his eyes blow comically wide even as Gordon pulls away, mumbling a quiet ‘good night’ before beating a hasty retreat. Benrey is left shell-shocked as he listens to the retreating footsteps, and then the closing of, presumably, Gordon’s bedroom door.

   The burning in his throat feels like hellfire, but if he released this much sweet voice there’s no way Joshua wouldn’t wake up. He bites the inside of his mouth with so much force he’s surprised he doesn’t break the skin, using all the self-control in his body to keep himself from wiggling around like a particularly exuberant worm.

   It’s hard to fall back asleep after that, adrenaline pumping in his veins like lava, but there’s only so much barely restrained giggling he can manage before his eyelids feel heavy. Especially with his own personal weighted blanket snoring on his stomach.

  In the other room, Gordon feels the space between them like a cavern. The thought of joining them out there makes his chest burn with a longing he’s never felt before, one that almost scares him with the ferocity of it. Imagining laying with Benrey, his son, their son , between them…

  He turns to bury his face in his pillows, feeling the burn of his cheeks against the cool fabric. Frankly, he can’t believe he did that - he kissed his forehead. Sure, technically, Benrey kissed him on the mouth like a week ago, but that- this was different, okay? He still wasn’t sure that wasn’t some sort of elaborate prank. 

  Now here he was, blushing and hiding his face in his pillows like some teenage girl and not a grown man and a father.

  A grown man who would very much like to kiss another grown adult, who’s in his living room right now.

   Gordon finds he also has a hard time falling asleep that night. 

   The next morning, as they wave Benrey out the door, Gordon feels a tugging on his pants leg. He looks down to see Joshua at his feet, and he squats to his level as he gestures for him to come closer.

  “Wish he was here always,” Joshua whispers into his ear, pulling back to stare at his father with his blue-green eyes. 

  Gordon shoots a glance at the door Benrey’s just walked through, feeling the longing shoot through him like an arrow.

  “Yeah buddy, me too.” He sighs, reaching to ruffle his son’s hair. “Let’s go get ready for your parent, okay?” Gordon hums, leading his son further into the house - but not before shooting another glance at the door.

  Maybe he should go talk to someone about all this.

Chapter Text

Gordon does not consider himself a stupid man.

No, he wasn’t like Tommy, he didn’t have the entire OSHA guidelines book memorized. Or like Bubby, who knew the insides and out of a spacecraft like the back of his genetically modified hand.

He was smart like normal people were, priding himself on his knowledge in common sense. Learned that in the school of hard knocks, y’know? 

So no, he wasn’t a complete idiot.

He knew what a crush felt like, and what it entailed. He recognized the fluttering in his chest and the heat in his cheeks and the wandering thoughts.

That doesn’t mean he has to like it.

By the time Gordon finds himself standing on Tommy’s stoop for their bi-weekly book club, he’s worked himself into such a frenzy that it must show on his face, because the taller man takes one look at him and sighs, motioning for him to follow them into the house.

“Sit on the- the couch.” He practically commands, feet shuffling against the floor in his bunny slippers as he heads off into the kitchen. Gordon complies automatically, sitting on the couch carefully as to not disturb the seemingly asleep Sunkist that takes up 90 percent of the cushions.

Gordon looks around the familiar surroundings as Tommy moves around in the kitchen, glasses clinking together as he prepares whatever it is he’s making. He shoots a glance towards the closed door a few feet away, opening his mouth to speak before a voice cuts him off from the kitchen.

“Benrey’s not home today,” Tommy calls over the sound of running water, followed by the clunk of a kettle hitting the stovetop, “he’s out with Bubby. They’re, uh, they’re seeing the new Fast and the, um, Fast and the Furious movie.” 

That was… well, it was both a relief and a bit of a disappointment. Gordon frowns a bit as he relaxes more into the cushions, pulling his book out of his pocket. His eyes flicker over the page without retaining much, if any, of the words in front of him. It was hard to focus on reading when his eyes kept sliding towards the door, brows furrowing as his thoughts are drawn yet again to the being who lives inside that room.

Why did they have to act… like that . If they wanted to flirt with him, why wouldn’t they just do it seriously, or tell him that it was genuine? If they weren’t flirting with him, why did they have to do it so much? At some point, it has to become cruel, right?

He’s startled out of his thoughts by the brush of Tommy’s knee against his own, dragging him out of the spiral of doubt, instead greeting him with a mug in front of his face. He sets down his book carefully, reaching out to wrap both hands around the warm ceramic. 

It was one of the many mugs that Tommy had collected over the years, something found in the deepest pits of some bizarre thrift store. It said ‘Sasha’ on the side, and looked to be a commemorative mug from some extremely niche theme park. It had clowns on it.

“Thank you.” He mumbles, pulling it close to his face to let the warm steam brush against his nose as his friend gently shoos Sunkist off the couch, sitting down to occupy just as much space with his long legs.

“You’re welcome,” Tommy replies, taking a sip of his drink. It smelled oddly familiar, like someone had taken Dr. Pepper and just boiled it. Gordon tries not to think about it as he takes a sip of his own, hopefully tea-based, drink.

“You seem, seem um, frazzled.” His host prompts, staring at him over the brim of his mug with those bizarrely golden eyes. Gordon manages eye contact for a solid ten seconds before he has to look away, becoming abruptly fascinated by the brown liquid in his cup.

“You could.. say that,” Gordon replies somewhat evasively, not needing to look up to know the gaze on him has become distinctly unimpressed. He adjusts uncomfortably at the heavy stare, still not moving to meet Tommy’s eyes.

There’s a heavy sigh from across the couch, one that finally draws Gordon’s scrutiny from the tea and upwards towards his friend. Tommy has set his cup on the ground next to him and is pulling out his book.

Good. 

Good, they don’t have to talk about all this.

They can just read, just like they were supposed to.

He picks up his book once more, content to get lost in the world the author had spent so much time lovingly crafting. 

It was supposed to be a great book, it had great reviews, it was so easy to become absolutely enraptured by the tale of two young boys at the end of their lives, fighting to make every moment count against all odds.

Gordon makes it 30 seconds before he sets his book down again.

“It’s just, I’m not frazzled, I mean, I am, but like - I’m not sure if frazzled’s the right word, just ‘cause, I’m not that shook up about it, or whatever, I’m just - y’know sometimes when you work yourself up over what’s probably nothing and then like, boom maybe it is something so you gotta work yourself up more, an-” His ramble is cut off by Tommy, who holds up a hand and waits for him to pause before prompting a question.

“Is this about Benrey?” He asks, no judgment in his voice. Nonetheless, Gordon feels himself flushing and looking down into his mug once more. After a tense bout of silence, he nods. 

There’s a sigh from above him and Tommy closes the book in his lap, folding his hands atop it.

“Alright,” Tommy prompts, bowing his head once, “let’s- let’s get this done with so we can keep reading. What’s going, uh, what’s going on with you and Benrey?”

Hearing it said so blase almost made his stomach turn. The whole issue was he didn’t know what was going on with him and Benrey. 

“I just- I dunno, man, he’s so-” Gordon groans, placing his cup on the ground much like Tommy just so he can gesture freely without worrying about spilling tea all over Tommy’s nice dumpster-dived couch. “He makes everything so complicated.” He huffs, cocking his head back as he fumbles around to untangle the cords of thought in his mind.

“Every time we talk he just makes everything so… You know how he is, he talks in circles about everything and I thought I had gotten used to it but I can’t handle it about this, man!” He whines, lowering his head to look Tommy in the eyes. To his credit, Tommy almost looked the tiniest bit sympathetic. When Gordon fails to elaborate, Tommy cocks his head to the side.

“About uhm, about what, Freeman?” He asks, and Gordon feels his cheeks heat up yet again. He glances over towards the closed door once more, feeling a bolt of paranoia shock his brain. Tommy isn’t the type to let Benrey eavesdrop on them or anything, but he still gets the burning anxiety that the alien waits right behind that door. He ignores it as best he can, closing his eyes against the onslaught of emotion like a child.

“About - fuck, man, about us. He just… Listen, I know it’s a joke, okay?” He opens his eyes, looking into Tommy’s like eye contact will convey his sincerity. “I know that he jokes around with everyone, I know that he… flirts with everyone-” Gordon says the word like it physically pains him, breaking eye contact for just a second to close his eyes before continuing, “-but God, sometimes I just want to tell him yes. ” He leans backward, unsure of when he’d begun leaning forwards but finding himself falling back with a thud.

“I know that he’s not serious, that this is all a game to him, but I’m starting to wish… wish it wasn’t, okay?” He finishes lamely, looking down at his hands. His nail polish was peeling. There’s a moment of silence where he fidgets uncomfortably under the weight of his confession, waiting for Tommy to gather his thoughts. 

“Have you ever considered it uh, considered it not being a joke, Gordon?” The reply hits him in the chest like a dagger, and he groans at the pain it brings.

“Of course I’ve considered it, Tommy, but that’s- it’s-” He huffs a sharp breath, tongue fumbling under the scramble of thoughts that try to escape at once. “I’ve tried uh, watching him. Watching the way he interacts with other people versus how he interacts with me and I know I’m not stupid, okay? I can see the differences, I can see the difference in attitude, but I still don’t…” Gordon trails off, picking at the flaking paint on his nails.

“You still think he doesn’t feel anything for you.” Tommy surmises, staring at him unabashedly as he looks up at them. He’s got a calculating look on his face, tongue running absentmindedly over his teeth. “Alright, let’s try… let’s try this, okay?” He sits up slightly, prompting Gordon to do the same, albeit slower. 

“Benrey is my best friend, right?” He starts, waiting for Gordon to nod before he continues. “Have you ever seen him kiss me on the mouth?” 

His face immediately rushes with heat - of course, Benrey told Tommy about that, he was stupid to think he wouldn’t - but Tommy just waits patiently for him to respond, no teasing to be seen.

“No.” Gordon grits out eventually, clenching his fists. “But you’re aromantic, and- and that would make you uncomfortable. Benrey wouldn’t do that to you.” He looks up at Tommy, who looks like he’d just sucked on a lemon.

“...Right.” He nods, clearly recollecting himself. “Okay, then, have you ever noticed how protective, uhm, protective Benrey seems to be of you? Remember when we went out, and that guy tried to take your wallet, and Benrey practically… practically bit his head off?”

Gordon snorts, waving his hand dismissively.

“Benrey does that for everyone - security guarding is like, his whole schtick.” He laughs, remembering the way the alien had started pestering the would-be pickpocketer. It was definitely more amusing when he wasn’t the one getting hassled.

Tommy bites his lip, fighting back a fond smile. He seemed to be arguing with himself, even as his eyes turn fond. Thinking about Benrey tended to bring out his own platonic love for them, but it clearly wasn’t the turn he wanted this conversation to have.

“Okay, okay.” He raises his hand, motioning to stop like he could simply turn of the emotions. With the way his face clears, maybe he could. Was that a G-Man thing, or a Tommy thing? It seemed like a G-Man thing. Gordon’s brought back to attention by his friend’s voice.

“Alright, how about… The other day, he literally, uh, he, he literally asked you to marry him? Doesn’t that mean… mean something?” Tommy tries, clearly at his wit’s end. Gordon almost feels bad as he rolls his eyes, fixing the other man with a flat look.

“He asked me to marry him because I bought him chips. That doesn’t strike me as the most compelling evidence.” Gordon argues, shaking his head.

The older man sighs, clearly frustrated with the circles they seem to be running in. Obviously, this wasn’t how he wanted this conversation to go. Tommy looks up to stare him down for the umpteenth time this evening, calculating his words carefully.

“What do you want from them?” He asks eventually, testing the words out slowly.

Gordon fidgets a bit in his seat, mulling over his own response. That was a loaded question, one he had been wrestling with himself. It was hard enough to deal with Benrey’s conflicting feelings, but dealing with his own had nearly slipped his mind entirely. He furrows his brows as he looks down at his hands, where they had been picking mindlessly at the couch cushions. 

“I want him to… mean it, I guess,” Gordon answers, looking up to meet Tommy’s eyes at last.

“What would you do if he did mean it?” Tommy shoots back, staring at him with that same single-minded intensity he uses to deal with any issue. He suddenly feels a bit of sympathy for the military they so carelessly sicced Tommy on back in Black Mesa.

“I…” He trails off, his throat feeling uncomfortably dry as his brain throws a million suggestions into the air, seemingly saying nothing at all amongst the chaos.

Tommy seems like he’d expected this response because he leans over to grab his now room temperature soda and open his book.

“Figure that out and, and then tell him.” He states, pausing to take a sip of his drink. “Simple. Now, we’re gonna sit… uh, sit here and read. And if you bring up Ben- Benrey again, I’m kicking you out.” Tommy looks up, meeting Gordon’s eyes over the brim of his book, daring him to argue.

Gordon, once again not a stupid man, nods once and pulls his own book out.

He tries to focus on the words, and he doesn’t say another word about Benrey, but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from swirling inside his mind.

What would he do? 

If Benrey meant it, if Benrey wanted to truly be with him, what would his first reaction be?

Anger? No, they’ve moved so far on from anger the idea alone is practically laughable. What did he even have to be angry about?

Joy? That’s… that’s closer to the truth, he can feel it in the way his toes start to curl in

his socks from the burst of excitement that sparks in his chest, but it’s not quite there. There would be joy there, of course, but there was something else there, something deeper.

Love? 

He takes a second to take a calming breath, reminding himself he’s a fully grown man in the presence of another fully grown man, and he can’t abruptly start giggling to himself like a teenager. 

Love? Him, in love with Benrey? He wants to laugh, truly he does, but not out of incredulity. It feels… it feels right. Like nothing else ever has, it feels like the truth. 

This was long coming, and he was blind to have missed it till it was screaming in his face. Of course, it was love. How could it be anything else? Loving Benrey feels like coming home, like warmth and the security of knowing there’s a lock on the door and an eldritch creature watching every exit.

It was obvious in the way he thought about him, in the way he thought about them. That’s what they were, they were a team, a plural, Gordon and Benrey, attached at the hip, hanging out and playing video games and taking care of his son like it was the most natural thing in the world. 

Benrey was annoying and he was pushy and he never took anything seriously and he was funny and kind and he remembered every single fact that Gordon’s ever told him about himself. He was there for the good times where they played video games till their brains melted out of their ears, and he was there for the bad times where the nightmares and the memories became too much.

Benrey was his best friend, his other half, his… 

Gordon mentally trails off, finding himself finally at a loss for words as he struggles to describe what they were to him. In all honesty, the only thing in his mind is the ringing and resounding truth.

I love Benrey.  

Gordon smiles to himself with his revelation, ducking his chin down and missing the way Tommy’s eyes peek over the edge of his own book. 

Later, as Tommy waves him out the door, it’s hard to miss the dopey smile on his face as Gordon makes his way towards his car. It’d started getting dark, and he had to head home and start on dinner. Maybe take the time to plan how to talk to the object of his affections, maybe practice in the mirror like some high schooler, since he was now so dedicated to the act of a lovesick kid.

He’s so distracted by laughing at himself that he practically runs into Benrey, blinking away the hearts in his eyes as he nearly knocks the other to the ground. Step one to confessions - don’t knock your target on their ass.

“yoooo,” Benrey exclaims, stumbling back slightly as Gordon reaches out and grabs their arms to steady them, “watch out, gordon uh, gordon blindman.”

To Benrey’s surprise, Gordon doesn’t even roll his eyes at the stupid name. He actually smiles, and then - get this - he blushes. Yeah, that’s right, he knows the redness means blushing now. Tommy told him. 

“My bad, dude. I’ll uh… I’ll see ya’ later.” He smiles as he pats Benrey on the shoulder, leaving him floundering a bit as Gordon brushes past him towards his car with the brightest smile he’s ever seen. They shoot a questioning look towards Tommy, who shrugs as they approach.

“did uh, did somethin’ happen today during nerd club?” He questions, stepping up to the porch as Gordon climbs into his car and goes to drive away. The pair can already hear some sort of cheesy dad rock start blasting out of his speakers over the thrum of the engine starting.

Tommy stares out at the car as it pulls out of the driveway, using the hand not holding the empty soda mug to wave at Gordon as he pulls away. He looks almost smug, eyes crinkling up at the corners as he glances down at his extremely confused roommate with a smile.

“Not really.” 

Chapter Text

    It was a simple plan.

    They were both adults, it was going to be a very simple conversation between two level minded individuals. He was simply going to express his feelings in a calm and collected manner, and then they would move on from all of this. Either Benrey would reciprocate and they would move forward with their relationship, or he would accept the rejection and not let it affect their friendship moving forward.

    Gordon wasn’t exactly renowned for his level headed nature, but he wasn’t an emotional disaster either. He was enough of a well adjusted adult to know when to back off and take the hit, even if the thought of being rejected churned his stomach like a dairymaid bodybuilder. 

    He’s stuck with that feeling now, burning in his chest like a ball of molten lava. He can feel it with every breath, every adjustment on the couch closer or farther away from Benrey. It wasn’t an awful idea to have this conversation on a game night - it was a good time for the two of them to be alone, at any rate - but it did leave him with concerns moving forward. If Benrey said no, would they have to stop game nights? Would it become too awkward? 

    Maybe he should wait for a different night…

    No. He said he was going to do it today, and he was going to stick to his word and do it tonight. Right now. Gordon opens his mouth, only to close it a moment later. Maybe he should rehearse it in his head one more time. 

    ‘Hello Benrey. I'm in love with you, and I have been for a while. Would you perhaps like to enter a relationship with me?’

    Jesus Christ, that was the worst attempt yet. Maybe try something that doesn’t make you sound like you’ve been pining like a Victorian maid for 3 years. Something more relaxed. 

    ‘Hey dude, no big deal, but I’m literally in love with you. Wanna get married?’

    NOT THAT RELAXED.  

    He knows Benrey is taking notice of his fidgeting, but he can’t help it. Staying in place is not one of his strong suits on a good day, and when he can feel every single one of his bones buzzing with the energy of a thousand angry wasps it’s as bad as it’s ever been. Gordon tries to stop the bouncing of his leg and only manages about 3 minutes before his foot starts tapping the carpet yet again.

    “hey uh…” Benrey breaks the silence, and Gordon has to resist the urge to jump a solid foot into the air at the sudden intrusion. Jesus, why was he so worked up about this? He had a plan, and he was going to stick to the plan, and he was going to handle the rejection - and why was he so sure it was going to be a rejection? Benrey had more than shown interest, it was entirely possible they would say yes and they would all live happily ever after and all that good stuff. Is Benrey still talking?

    “-seem a little jumpy, are you doin’ ok?” Gordon blinks rapidly as he tunes back into the real world, eyes focusing on Benrey’s face. It’s illuminated by the light on the TV, casting harsh shadows on their profile. They’re tucked into the very corner of the couch, knees pulled to their chest and chin resting atop them. They’re staring at him with dark blue eyes that kinda glow in the dark and he’s struck by the realization that this is his friend . 

    This is Benrey, the guy who respected his boundaries after Black Mesa and didn’t talk to him for nearly two years because he needed time to heal.. The guy who picks his son up for him when he gets busy at work. This is the same person who tried to nurse him back to health when he was sick despite knowing absolutely nothing about human biology and ended up with the common cold for the first time in his life. 

    When faced with that Benrey’s concern, he can’t help but answer honestly.

    “I’m in love with you.” He replies, maintaining eye contact for as long as he can manage before embarrassment forces his eyes closed. “Like, really, genuinely, this-is-not-a-joke, in love with you.” Gordon puffs out the breath remaining in his lungs, leaning his head back against the couch and refusing to open his eyes.

    The silence that follows is broken only by the cheery music that Chulip pumps through the speakers of his TV. Gordon swallows heavily, heart pounding in his chest as he forces himself to breathe. There’s a beat where the music stops, the loop momentarily ending before the next begins, and in that time he manages to peel one eye open to look at Benrey.

    Benrey, for lack of a better word, looks flabbergasted. He looks like Gordon just dropped an atomic bomb in the middle of his living room - and honestly, Gordon feels a bit like that too. They open and close their mouth wordlessly a few times as he stares, and after a brief bit of what looks to be internal conflict, jump off the couch and instead begin pacing in the middle of the living room.

    “Uh…” Gordon starts, sitting up a bit to get a better view of the alien trying to tread a path through his carpet. “What’s uh… what’s going on, dude?” He questions, watching them circle around in front of him.

    He frowns at Benrey as they completely ignore him, and instead begin muttering to themselves. This was not on the list of expected or rehearsed outcomes. Gordon can feel the anxiety in his chest take a different form, and he bites it back as best he can.

    “Dude, are you okay? I didn’t think this’d upset you this badly-” Gordon’s cut off by a burst of multicolor sweet voice wordlessly escaping Benrey’s mouth and floating up to the ceiling. He frowns as they immediately turn back to their pacing. The rejection was always going to hurt, but he didn’t expect Benrey to be such a dick about it. Maybe he was expecting too much from the same guy who followed him around Black Mesa making feet jokes and talking about dick slips. 

    No. No, that wasn’t fair to Benrey even if he was kinda crushing his heart right now. He just needs to understand what’s going on, they wouldn’t be doing this without a good reason, right?

    “Benrey, you gotta explain what’s going on. I’m trying to not be hurt or whatever, but you know confusion breeds anger and I’m startin’ to get real fuckin’ confused, man.” Gordon stands up, holding his hands in a placating manner. “I just wanted to let you know, ‘cause you kept making those- those jokes about being in love or kissing and stuff. It didn’t seem fair to not tell you, since-” Gordon fights the blush on his face, feeling anxiety and embarrassment mixing in his stomach like a martini made in hell. “Can you just say something, please? Even a rejection would be better than whatever bullshit you’re pulling right now.”

    Benrey finally stops pacing, turning instead to look at him with incredulity in his eyes.

    “you thought i’d reject you?” He nearly whispers, so quiet Gordon has to strain his ears to hear. He doesn’t get a chance to respond before Benrey is in his face, pressing him back until he falls onto the couch again. “you thought I’D reject YOU?” Benrey nearly screams, sounding past the verge of manic.

    “Gordon Freeman I have been in love with you for THREE YEARS.” They bellow, hands reaching up to tangle fingers into his hair, chullo hat falling to the ground. Gordon’s eyes blow open, mouth dropping as he struggles to formulate a response. The chance is stripped from him however as Benrey keeps going, voice nearly sounding panicked.

    “i told you that i was in love with you, don’t you remember?” He drags his hands down his face, looking absolutely deranged at this point. “you gave me that soda and i SAID i was in love with you and- and you laughed! you laughed at me!” Benrey laughs now, a bit hysterical.

    Gordon remembers that night, of course he does. He spent months waiting for the sodas to arrive, ready to give it to his best friend as a little did-it-for-fun surprise. It wasn’t for a holiday, or a belated birthday gift, he had simply wanted to buy it for them. He remembers the way his heart had fluttered when Benrey had blurted out that they loved him but -

    “I thought it was a joke…” He mumbles, barely audible even to himself. Miraculously Benrey seems to have heard it, because he practically screams.

    “i know you did! i know you did, ‘cause i went home and i talked to Tommy about it-” That smug son of a bitch - “and he said that you just, you just didn’t understand and i had to try again .” Gordon is reeling from the information being thrown at him, but it seems like Benrey isn’t anywhere close to being finished.

    “so i invited you on a date but then you invited everyone else-”

    “That was a date?”

    “YES Gordon, it was supposed to be a date and then you invited everyone else but then i was still trying so i got you that toy and i told you i loved you AGAIN-”

    “Oh my god.”

    “-And then I KISSED YOU. I kissed you ON THE MOUTH, Freeman.” Benrey pauses in his rambling to stomp over to the couch, leaning down to grab Gordon by the cheeks. He instinctively reaches up to grab their wrists but they’re pulling away again before he gets the chance to make contact, leaving his cheeks uncomfortably warm in the aftermath.

    “and then i asked you out again and we actually got to go this time and we- we went on that fish date, remember? bro I bought you FLOWERS.” They’re practically wailing at this point, the most emotion Gordon has ever seen them display. “i called you a sexy nerd and i told that lady we were dating and you - you didn’t even realize! you thought i was kidding! like this was all big jokes! again!” Benrey huffs, pausing to take a breath as Gordon struggles to formulate a coherent response. The heat on his cheeks might be literally frying his brain at this point.

    “and YOU-” They spin around from where they had turned their back towards him, their face colored with a bright blue blush. “you kissed my forehead! ” He hisses, pointing at Gordon with one sharp nail. “do you have any idea-” 

    Gordon finally manages to snap himself out of his shocked state, grabbing Benrey’s wrist and pushing himself into a standing position as the alien stammers to himself.

    “you’re so- you’re supposed to be this big, smart dude, can’t even tell when a dude is in love with you, gotta make ‘em lay his whole heart out like that…” Benrey is mumbling again, looking down at where Gordon’s hand encircles their wrist. His attention is drawn upwards as Gordon clears his throat, meeting green eyes.

    “You’re uh, you’re in love with me? Like really?” He asks, looking overtly sheepish as he stares into Benrey’s eyes. Benrey stares back despite his aversion to eye contact, and Gordon has to resist the urge to kiss him right then and there.

    It’s so simple now that all the evidence is laid in front of him, and it’s impossible to ignore. The way they’ve been gravitating towards each other for years, the way that they’re his first thought in the morning and his last thought at night, the way he can’t imagine his life without them in it anymore - really, he just can’t believe it’s taken him this long to say it.

    “yea.” Benrey mumbles, clearly embarrassed by his outburst now that he’s faced with the repercussions of his word vomit. 

    “Say it?” Gordon requests, moving his hands from Benrey’s hands to his face. 

    “What?” They question, scrunching their face up once more, clearly uncertain.

    “That you love me- can you just- just say it, one more time? For me?” He pleads, holding Benrey’s face as gingerly as he can with how hard his hands are shaking. Today has been such a roller coaster of emotions he can feel his heart about to give with the pressure he’s put it under.

    Benrey’s face wrinkles yet again before realization dawns, eyes blowing wide as he apparently has some sort of epiphany. Their face softens as they reach up, tucking the hair out of Gordon’s eyes. 

    “i love you.” They state, like it was just a fact. “i love you, gordon freeman.” 

    Honestly, what happens next is just logical.

    Gordon leans down, eyes sliding closed as he presses his lips to Benrey’s. He feels his cheeks brush against his own thumbs from where he holds their face, though not too tight as to where they couldn’t pull back if they wanted. Not that they’d want to, clearly, as Benrey presses into the kiss like his life depended on it. Like Gordon was the last breath of fresh air in the middle of space. Like he was water in the middle of a desert, like- like… like he was kissing Gordon, and he wanted to do it.

    He pulls back, gingerly opening his eyes to catch a glimpse of Benrey’s expression. The alien in question has not opened his eyes yet, lips pulled into a dopey grin as he sways back and forth. Gordon resists the urge to laugh, wary of what giggling at the alien will do to him after all that’s been said.

    “You alright?” He questions, furrowing his eyebrows in concern even as a fond smile overtakes his face. Benrey nods slowly, opening his mouth and releasing a solid string of bubblegum pink sweet voice into the air. It doesn’t float straight upwards or downwards as the bubbles usually do, instead deigning to float in the air lazily like extra terrestrial mood lighting. 

    It showcases Berney’s face better than the low light of the TV had been, and Gordon feels his heart thumping in his chest as he stares unabashedly at his… boyfriend? Would boyfriend be the best term here? It made him feel a bit like a teenager, but that didn’t have to be a bad thing - not the time, focus on the present, Freeman. He leans down to kiss Benrey again, the scene illuminated by the lights that surround them. 

    To the outside eye, it must be quite the scene. Gordon reverently holding Benrey to himself, the dopey smile on their faces nearly breaking the kiss as it spreads wider. Gordon, bending over to reach their lips as they press up on tippy toes to reach him, meeting in the middle as they always did. It wasn’t an extravagant scene, there were no roses or public displays, and it’d be ruined if it was. It was perfect like this, with Gordon in his boxers and Benrey in a dirty hoodie. The lights dance around the room like a silent audience, the only witness to the gentle way Benrey cards his fingers through his hair. 

    When Gordon finally manages to tear himself away, it’s only to smile at the alien in front of him. One that quickly turns into a confused frown as he catches sight of Benrey’s expression.

    They’re frowning slightly, eyebrows furrowed as they forward into his chest. He feels a stab of anxiety, pulling back a little further.

    “What? What’s wrong, you look upset?” He asks, trying to settle the nerves in his throat. “Was I that bad of a kisser?” Gordon tries to joke, but it comes out a little weak.

    Benrey looks up as he hears Gordon’s tone, eyes wide as he rapidly shakes his head.

    “no- no, bro, it’s not that i just-” Benrey pauses, letting out a sigh.

    “man, i really gotta apologize to tommy.”