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Winter Schnee used to cry herself to sleep.
It became a habit at one point in her time as a student, though she can not recall exactly when. She remembers a moment in her life when she would become so frustrated, so overwhelmed with negative emotion that she couldn’t help but cry. She’d go about her day when the sun was still high in the sky and cried out all of her frustrations once night fell.
She snapped out of it after a while, of course. Her feelings do not matter. Every time she ever felt like that again she would just go into Atlas Academy’s training facility and train until the sun rose. (The General was impressed! Incredibly concerned, but impressed.)
She couldn’t do that now though. She couldn’t take a walk or train or do anything. She felt like she was going to snap at any moment now.
She was currently confined in Atlas’s medical unit, a room identical to that of Fria’s which, quite honestly, made her stomach twist uncomfortably. She hated looking at the walls; They were dull. Waking up to this room never failed to make her feel sick.
Two days had passed since that night. Two days had passed since she and her associate Penny Polendina had to face the Fall Maiden. She couldn’t keep her mind off of that night.. off of her . Her thirst for power, the sinister gleam in her eye, her smirk -
Ah . There it was again.
She will admit: Cinder Fall fascinated her to no end. Why is she doing this? Is power all she longs for? What happened to her?
These questions kept her awake on nights like this one: Quiet nights. Nights where the silence was so loud, and it was infuriating . She wanted to scream, spar, anything to keep these thoughts of the fall maiden out of her head.
She ran a hand through her hair, her nails lightly scraping at her scalp in frustration. Why can’t I stop thinking about her? She’s a monster- a villain. We’re on opposing sides of this war, and yet…
“Fuck you,” she hissed in disgust. She attempted to sound threatening- angry- but it came out hoarse and raw. Who was she swearing at? Cinder? General Ironwood? Herself? Honestly, she wasn’t quite sure. She was drained, worried, and it was so quiet that she just wanted to rip her hair out and scream so so badly--
No.
She can’t keep avoiding this.
She can’t keep pretending that Cinder didn’t mean anything to her or else she’ll lose her mind.
“Cinder...” the name left a bitter taste in her mouth. She was left feeling confused and repulsed just from the name alone. “What happened to us?” she cried breathlessly, blinking back the tears she had been holding in for- well- Brothers know how long.
It hurt to think about her if Winter had to be honest. Her heart ached with longing, and her stomach twisted from how utterly disgusted she was with herself. To think the woman she was so infatuated with is public enemy number one- And yet she wants nothing more than to feel safe in her arms again like how it was once upon a time.
To think that she’s even acknowledging these feelings... She hated herself for it.
“You’re horrible; you know that?” She whispered as she closed her eyes. “You broke my heart, you asshole. Do you even know what you’ve done to me? How many nights I spent crying over you?”
She didn’t sound angry or hurt; she was tired. She was tired in every sense of the word and she just wanted to make everything go away if only for a moment. She wanted to live in a fantasy that was so out of reach that she felt like she was flying into the sun.
“To think I worried about you,” she scoffed, “Every night was restless because I was thinking about you. I had dreams where it was only you and me and nobody else…”
She opened her eyes, hoping to see Cinder by her side but, as she should have expected, there was nobody there. “... And somehow that was all that mattered.”
And for the first time in a very, very long time... Winter Schnee had cried herself to sleep.