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Fights are scary. It's like being stuck under the harsh rain without anything. It's irritating. At the same time, it's heavy. The clothes that you are wearing are getting heavy as you walk alone under the rain, eyes are blurry since the harsh droplets are blurring your sight and its cold. Very cold. It also doesn't help that the sound of a crumbling storm and the flash of angry light that is called thunder is reflecting on the skies.
For me, fights are like that. The same heaviness in your heart exists together with the irritation and those will make your eyes blurry with either tears or overwhelming emotions. You will also realize how cold the atmosphere will be after the person you love turned their back from you and the storm in your head and the striking thunder in your heart will start hurting. It's scary.
At the same time, like rain and typhoons, fights are also inevitable. Like weather, no matter how sunny the skies are, no matter how hot the summer is, harsh rains will eventually come.
And I hate it when the storm in our household visits. It's scary. It's scary to see the irritation in the eyes of my normally calm papa and the flash of annoyance in the brown eyes of my dad. It's worrying. Especially like rain, their stormsㅡ fights happens during the night. Where I am alone and they think that I am already sleeping. I hate the fact that unlike storms, their voices are low, low but I cannot help but to hear it behind the closed door in my room. It's scary that I can sometimes feel the mixture of heat and coldness of their words even though I cannot comprehend their words.
The first time that i heard them fighting when I was in grade school when we were still living in Argentina together with Dad, I don’t quite remember what the fight was all about but i do remember some words, ‘going home’ and ‘Japan’ It was in the middle of the night where the skies are already dark and the night is cold, I woke up because of the sudden urge to drink some water. My small feet wobbled towards the kitchen when I noticed that the light was up and there’s a hushed conversation going around. When I was about to call my fathers, I suddenly felt the heavy atmosphere. There are exchanges of heated questions and being a scared kid I was, I decided to go back to my room, wishing that Papa and Dad would stop fighting.
Papa Koushi and Dad Tooru don't always fight. Fighting playfully and bantering, maybe yes but serious fights? It doesn’t always happen. I observed that when they’re starting to feel that the conversation is starting to lead into a heated argument, one of them will drop a joke or try to initiate an affection to change the topic or one will shut up all about it but when the topic is all serious, They tend to calm themselves down first before continuing what the argument is all about.
But now?
I opened the door and there, I saw Dad sitting on the sofa, eyebrows are scrunched together and eyes are sharped. If his looks can emit some lazer, the television that is replaying some volleyball game already has a hole in it. I think that the volleyball game is starting to get on his nerves. I took a small breath “I’m home.” I greeted before I stepped inside the house. I saw Dad turn his gaze on me and despite the irritation that can be seen on his face, I am glad when I saw his eyes softened. He’s definitely scary looking when he’s mad.
He spreads his arms, waiting for me to put down my bag on the empty coffee table. I immediately settled down in his arms, hugging my father tightly. It’s comforting having Dad around. He gives hugs that make me remember a blanket. Big and warm. “Yua-chan~ How’s school my beloved amore?” I sighed into his embrace and I could feel his hand on my braided hair. “Bad day?” he whispers and I shook my head. “It was fun but the practice was quick and I wanted to stay a little bit more but Uncle Daichi came to pick me up and told me to stop overworking myself. ‘You’re definitely an Oikawa’ He said.” Dad looked at me and laughed softly. “Dai-chan is right. Don’t overwork yourself, okay? You’re already great” he smiled then he even murmured something under his breath, I don’t know if i catched it right but based on what I heard he said, “Even greater than me when i was your age” and before I could even reply, he continued, “Then what happened after that? Did Dai-chan got you a dinner?” I shook my head but looked at him with a smile, “He got me meat buns! Then he dropped me in front.” “Yes, I tried inviting him inside, Dad. He said he’s still patrolling around and will drop by if he has time.” I continued and he replied with a nod before turning his gaze back to the television.
I can feel the tension once again. I look around, looking for any traces of my other dad. “Where’s Papa?” I asked and I saw the frown on his face deepened but he tried to hide it by pressing a kiss on my temple. “In the room. You must greet him now, Yua-chan.” I nodded and pulled out from his embrace. I glanced at him worriedly before I walked in the hallway where our rooms are located. The door is closed, indicating that Papa doesn’t want to be bothered but I still knocked, thrice. “Papa, I’m home.” when i heard no response, i tried to hold on the knob and twisted it. It was unlocked so I pushed it open.
I was surprised to see Papa’s reaction when I opened the door. He immediately turned around and I saw the guilty flashes in his copper eyes but when he saw me, his shoulder slumped and he smiled at me. “Oh Yua-chan. You’re home.” I nodded and walked towards him and he immediately stretched his arms out to pat my head. If Dad can give warm hugs, Papa gives the best pats. I nuzzle into his hand before looking up. “Pa? Is there something wrong?” he looks at me for a bit, still patting my head before giving me a gentle smile. “Don’t worry about it.” I scrunch my eyebrows together and Papa let out a soft chuckle. “You really look like your dad. Go and take a bath now, Yua-chan. I will still need to make dinner. What do you want for dinner anyway?” With the mention that I can get to choose what we are going to eat today, I slowly smiled. “Curry!” Papa nods and smiles. “Papa will make a curry now. Go on and take a bath.” he led me out of the room and there, I went to my own room to take a bath
When i came out from the bathroom, fresh from the bath. I immediately smelled the heavenly smell of the curry in the air, I smiled and walked my way to the kitchen but Papa and Dad were talking. This feels like a deja vu, i felt what i felt like during the first time i witnessed them fighting. It’s not right to eavesdrop but I want to know what’s happening around.
I heard Dad let out a sigh, I leaned to the wall near the kitchen, I wanted to peek but they might see me. My fathers tend to keep the problem themselves and it’s already solved when they’re about to tell me. It’s frustrating.
“You’re choosing your work over the comfortability here?” There’s a brief silence before I heard papa answer, “It’s not like that..” I heard the plates are getting placed on the wooden table. “Then what?” Dad asked,“There’s a lot of people who can help you here, Kou-chan. Dai-chan is here. Iwa-chan is here too. Your life will be easier here, Kou-chan. Why can’t you understand that?” There’s a sharpness in Dad’s tone of voice, “If that’s what you are worried about, you don’t need to be worried because Asahi will be there for me, Tooru.” Papa replied with the same tone. I let out a soft sigh. Is Papa going to leave me here?
“How am I not going to be worried when the both of you will go outside our hometown? It is already hard that I am always away, Kou-chan. I cannot look after you and Yua but knowing that my bestfriend and also my parents can look after the both of you is an assurance for me while I am away.”
After Dad said that, Papa didn’t answer anymore- “No buts, Kou-chan” silence followed, “Lets just talk later.” I huffed softly, waiting for the tense atmosphere to calm down and when I came out, I saw Papa letting Dad taste the sauce of curry that he is cooking. Dad nodded in response, whispering a “It’s already delicious” which gained a soft smile from my papa. This is the scenario that i like to see, no matter how angry they are to each other, they can’t help but to be close to each other.
We ate dinner silently, asking about each other’s day. There is still a hint of heaviness in the air. It's not suffocating but like the greyness of the sky when it’s about to rain once again, I know that after this dinner, they will talk whatever the matter is. I don’t know, this is very impulsive of me but the words slipped out from my mouth.
“Dad, Pa, Can you please tell me what’s happening? I heard you from the hall a while ago and the issue will probably affect me too.Can you please stop treating me like a child--” I covered my mouth when i looked at the expression of my fathers, They are staring at me, I.. don’t know what’s the emotions in their eyes so i bowed down, ready to apologize when Papa talked.
“Continue, sweetheart. We’re listening.”
I lifted my head up and all I see is their eyes are encouraging, soft smile on Papa’s face while dad just nodded. “But..”
Dad put his finger out, waving it sideways. “No buts, Yua-chan. We want to know what you are feeling..”
“Isn’t it disrespectful..”
Papa smiles, “You’re just telling your stand and what you're feeling. If you say it clearly and politely, It wouldn’t be disrespectful, Yua-chan.” He takes a breath before smiling, there’s a hint of sadness on his smile, “I would want to know what you are thinking.. My parents didn’t give me the right to talk when I was a child and i have a lot to say to them but they don’t want to listen to me.. And I know how bad it affected me and I don’t want you to experience that.” Papa said as he extended his arm to mess with my damp hair. “I am glad that my mom always listens to my sentiments and such and I want you to be able to express what’s on your mind and what you feel clearly. So, you have a concern right, Yua-chan?” I nodded, “Then let's try to fix that.” Dad smiled and extended his arm to pinch my cheek that made me whine. I took a deep breath after Papa’s hand left my head and Dad’s fingers stopped pinching my cheek.
“It’s scary but.. I want to know why are you both fighting over.. Something? I am sorry for eavesdropping, I didn’t mean it but I am not a kid anymore, Papa, Dad. I want to know what’s happening around me and this feels like you’re keeping a big secret from me.. I heard that we.. are possibly moving and i wonder if I am allowed to be informed about it? Because I know that I will be affected by whatever decision the both of you have.. At least, consider my opinions too..?” I looked at them, eyes searching for their reactions and they just looked at each other and nodded. “I am sorry that you have to hear that.” Papa started, “And I am sorry for making you feel like you’re excluded. Uh, Papa got an offer in Tokyo since my head referred me to that school and I am convincing your dad to let us move, I am sorry for not considering your feelings too, Yua-chan.”
“And we’re fighting because I disagree with it. It will be hard for you to adjust in a new city plus, I don’t know if someone will be there for the both of you as well. I am worried.” Dad sighed and I nodded, lips puckering up as i think, “When are we moving? If we’re moving…?” Papa looks up at me as he gulps down the food. “Probably before you go to high school. I will refer you to Nekoma since I know how much you like volleyball. That school is a powerhouse when it comes to volleyball so you will enroll there if you’re not going to Karasuno.” Papa nodded and glanced playfully to dad who gasped like he'd been offended by Papa’s statement. “She will go to Seijoh. No.” and there, they started bantering, Papa teasing dad, saying that Karasuno crushed his team back then and Dad whined because of that. I shook my head in response before I said, “As long as I get to play volleyball, I am fine with it!”
They both stopped and Dad shakes his head, “What a volleyball idiot.” Papa let out a snort, “Says the one who flew to Argentina to just play volleyball.”
“Kou-chan! You’re still mean!”
And there, Papa and I laughed.
Since Papa and Dad are both on different sides when it comes to their opinions about the move, They decided just let me voice my opinions first before they settle the decision out. We talked about the pros and cons of moving, the cost and such which they don’t particularly send it on my way but I still listened to both of them. I said yes to the move since I am graduating from middle school already and my 3 years here in miyagi doesn’t really give me much friends to worry about. Plus, I’ve been dreaming of going to tokyo! I always hear from Uncle Ryuu and Noya how awesome the sky tree looks and I want to see it personally plus, Papa promised to let us visit Uncle Iwa and Uncle Daichi whenever we have time. I had a big family here in Miyagi but I also want to experience the new city plus papa said that our house expenses like the rent will be paid by his work so we wouldn’t have to worry about the high rent in the city.
When they both offered to just clean up the table and wash the dishes, I excused myself because I know that they will talk about what happened tonight and just focused on studying since I have exams coming up then I ended up falling asleep on the table which is the reason why my neck hurts when I woke up.
I walked out of the room and I heard my dad singing with the radio, the smell of the pancakes lingering in the air. When I reached the kitchen, Dad was even swaying with the beat, his fringe clipped… That’s my clip huh! Yachi-san gave it to me! I sighed when I realized that Dad is also wearing Papa’s pink apron.
It seems like he heard me because he turned around and I squinted my eyes when I saw his shoulder. He placed the good looking pancakes on the table. “Good morning, Yua-chan!” He greeted me cheerfully but my eyes are still on his shoulder. “Kou-chan went to work early today. Meeting, he said.”
“Let me guess, Papa is wearing a turtleneck today.” he looks at me with a surprised expression and i keep squinting my eyes at him. “How did you-- Oh. Yua-chan! Don’t stare!” He said, dramatically covering the bite and few kiss marks on his shoulder, I rolled my eyes.
“Mhm. Good morning, Dad. I am staying out with some friends today after practice but i will be home before dinner.” I said, glancing at him and he smiles- it was a near to a grin. “Okay. I’ll make sure to prepare your bento with a lot of foods today.”
I smiled, “Sure.”
And the skies are cleared once again and the sun is up. The coldness of the air is fresh and lovely. I just wish that the storm wouldn’t visit once again