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Tony was sure that he must have misheard.
There was no way that Loki had said no, not to this, not when Tony had seen the appreciative and borderline longing looks that Loki had been sending his way for years, looks which had only become worse after Loki had joined the Avengers.
It had taken a hell of a lot of guts for him to make this offer, to gather every bit of courage he had and tell Loki that he was willing to give anything, everything, whatever Loki wanted. And yeah, okay, Loki was hot enough, and he was fun to talk to– and sure, if Loki wasn’t Loki and they had met in a bar, maybe he was the kind of guy Tony would take home in a heartbeat. But Loki wasn’t, they hadn’t, and Tony had been used enough times in his life for the thought to leave a foul taste on the tip of his tongue.
He had hoped he could convince himself that Loki was the one being used, that Tony was using him to get what he needed. But when he drew in a breath, straightened his shoulders and spat out the words with as much suave as he could muster, he couldn’t help but feel like he was selling himself. But if it worked, god, it would be worth it.
And then, Loki – the bastard – had said no.
“Didn’t you hear me?” Tony asked, hating the fact that he was going to have to say it again. “I’ll let you have me in whichever way you want.”
“Do you think me a whore?” Loki asked curiously, though not harshly, his eyes gleaming and his lips curling into a half-amused smirk. “Or yourself, perhaps?”
“What? No,” Tony replied. “No, this is a simple—”
“Exchange?” Loki arched a brow, and Tony wanted to hit him, but he was far too desperate to risk it. Loki was literally his last hope.
“Look, if it’s not enough,” Tony tried. “If you need more. I’m willing to… more than once,” he said. “If it’ll take—”
“No,” Loki snapped. “I will not belittle or degrade my skills by exchanging them for sex.”
“It’s not degrading,” Tony hissed, Loki’s words having hit against a nerve. “It’s—”
“You will not change my mind,” Loki snapped. He pinned Tony with a final glare before turning to leave, his footsteps echoing with a last demand. “Do not ever ask me that again.”
—
Despite the fact that Tony had not really been one hundred percent keen on exchanging sex for Loki’s help, the rejection still left a heavy weight sitting on his chest, right over where the arc reactor used to be. Because there was nothing more that could be done. He’d talked to all the right people, spent an exorbitant amount of money, tried every specialist. And the result of it was that Rhodey was lying prone in the hospital, in a coma and with a spine that was snapped to pieces– and all that the doctors would say was that they had done all that they could.
It was a foreign concept to Tony, to do everything possible and then just stop, as if they were giving up. Because in his experience there was always something else to try, another equation to crack, another part to design, another element to rediscover. But the human body was not made of metal and wire, and sometimes… all that was left to do was wait.
But the risks were high, too high. Rhodey was strapped to machines that regulated his breathing and kept him alive, and Tony couldn’t simply accept the all too likely chance that his friend would never recover.
Tony had already designed braces of course, a set of complex and high-tech prosthetics that would allow someone with paraplegia to move just as well as they used to. Rhodey would be able to walk again– and with only a few modifications to War Machine, plus maybe the addition of Tony’s new nanotechnology, Rhodey would even be able to fly.
But first… Rhodey needed to wake up. That was something Tony could not build a solution for. He felt useless, hopeless, desperate—
And the one chance Tony had to make it right had all but laughed in his face and turned his back without even giving Rhodey a consideration.
So, it was with a heavy heart and a bowed head that Tony walked the halls of the hospital the next morning, his hands stuffed into his pockets to hide the way they trembled, light sunglasses over his eyes that he could still get away with wearing inside, but were tinted enough that they hid the redness.
He headed straight to his usual chair by Rhodey’s beside when he arrived, keeping his gaze down, not really wanting to look his friend’s unchanging, peaceful, empty expression. He was just settling in when there was an impossible shift of sheets and the sound of a familiar voice.
“All right, lay it on me. Why the glum face?”
Tony’s head snapped up, staring in disbelief. Rhodey was sitting, a tray in his lap– a tray with food, which he was in the middle of eating. His eyes were bright and amused and open, and Tony stared, gaping, not quite taking it in.
“Goldfish,” Rhodey said, snapping his fingers.
“What?” Tony asked hoarsely, his eyes still wide. “Rhodey, you’re, are you– I should call a nurse—”
“Calm down, Tones, I’ve been awake for a few hours,” Rhodey chuckled. “The nurses know, they gave me the food.”
“So, goldfish?” Tony asked, arching a brow, trying and scrambling to use his usual masks, to cover the shock. “What, are you trying out new nicknames?”
“Nah, you just looked like one.” Rhodey grinned. “I have to admit, this isn’t quite what I was expecting. I was hoping I’d at least get a hug.”
Tony didn’t quite think a hug was a good idea, considering, but he reached over and clasped his friend’s shoulder, an incredulous and delighted laugh pulling from his lips. “Rhodey,” he said, “You’re—”
“Awake, Tony,” Rhodey said, smiling. “And completely fine.”
Tony was happy enough that the words didn’t sink in immediately, flying high on the relief of Rhodey actually being awake, alive, conscious and talking and out of the woods—
But then—
Completely fine.
Oh, god.
“Tony?” Rhodey asked, poking at Tony’s shoulder. “Hey, come on. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Tony shook his head, not wanting to lie, but not wanting to shatter what should have just been a good moment. But he couldn’t help the glance to Rhodey’s legs– and Rhodey, having been watching him in concern, noticed.
But his smile only softened.
“I know,” he said. “It’s something of a miracle.”
Tony froze.
“A what?” he whispered. “Rhodey, what—”
“When I woke up, I was far more alert and healthier than I should have been, for someone just coming out of a coma, even as short as mine was,” Rhodey said. “When they were sure I was in a good state of mind, they told me about my spine. And I didn’t believe them.”
“Of course not,” Tony said with a pained laugh. “You’re stubborn, and far too optimistic for your own good.”
“Well, yes,” Rhodey agreed. “But I could also feel my legs. And I could move them. See?” Tony stared as Rhodey’s knee lifted from under the blanket– and then dove forward as it jostled Rhodey’s food tray. They managed to right it with only the loss of a couple of rubbery looking carrots, and by the time they were done Tony could see the outline of Rhodey’s bent knees through the sheets.
“How is that possible?” Tony breathed.
“I don’t know,” Rhodey admitted. “They told me that yesterday, my spinal cord was severed and they were sure I would never walk again. They still want to do a few more scans, but they’re predicting a clean bill of health, now. It’s weird.” Then he grinned, and gave Tony a wink. “Maybe it was magic.”
It was supposed to have been a joke, something to lift both of their spirits. But the word chimed through Tony’s mind in a dangerous echo.
No.
That was insane– Loki had completely rejected Tony’s offer. Why would he turn around and do what Tony asked anyway, without telling anyone, without asking for a reward? Tony knew Loki wanted him, he knew it like he knew that coffee was the most perfect beverage, and yet he’d said no. And okay, maybe his argument about swapping his magic – the thing he had in the past described as the most intimate part of himself – for a meaningless fuck made sense. But then—
Why would Loki heal Rhodey– not only waking him up, like Tony had asked, but actually healing him – when there was no benefit to him?
Why would someone reject the offer of sex with the person they desired?
“I… have to go,” Tony realised, his eyes widening as his mind moved at a mile a minute, connecting the dots.
Because.
Holy shit.
All of a sudden a thousand things slid into place, and Tony knew he needed to talk to Loki, like– right the fuck now. But as he moved to stand, his gaze landed on his friend—
His best friend, who had only just woken up from a near death experience.
“But not right this second,” Tony said firmly, settling back down. “It can wait.”
There was curiosity in the tilt to Rhodey’s head, but he let it go, and joined in when Tony began to chatter about anything and everything that Rhodey had missed over his time in the hospital. But the crease between his brows only deepened as the conversation progressed, and it wasn’t long before the curiosity won out and he interrupted Tony’s joking suggestion that they make a list like the one Cap had way back when they were almost a team.
“You don’t want to be here,” Rhodey said lightly.
“Yes, I do,” Tony said firmly. He’d stay until the nurses forced him out. Rhodey was his best friend, and Tony had just spent the better part of two weeks worried that he would never wake up. “I’m not leaving you.”
“Sorry,” Rhodey sighed. “I should have said, that you want to be somewhere else.”
Tony glanced away, not wanting to deny it.
“It’s okay, I’m not mad,” Rhodey said, though his frown remained in place. “I’m just curious.”
“I can stay,” Tony said. “It’s not—”
“Tony.”
“I just…” Tony sighed. “I need to talk to someone.”
“I can see that,” Rhodey said. “Look, I don’t know what happened with my legs, but clearly you know something about it. So I’m not going to ask right now, but you’re going to go and sort this out– and then you’re going to come back, and you’re going to tell me all about this conversation that’s got you thinking so hard.”
“Are you sure?” Tony asked.
“Yes,” Rhodey said, actually waving his hand in a shooing motion. “Go. God, stop crowding my bedside.”
And Tony still hesitated, because he really didn’t want to leave– but then one of those rubbery carrots nailed him in the forehead, and he was out of there faster than Rhodey could reload.
—
When Tony reached the compound, he headed straight to Loki’s room and entered without even knocking on the door.
“You healed him,” Tony accused.
“I’m sorry?” Loki asked, looking up over the edge of the book he was reading, not moving from where he was sprawled across his couch.
“Rhodey,” Tony said. “You healed him. Why?”
“I do not know where you obtained that ridiculous notion,” Loki replied, rolling his eyes with the kind of dramatic flair that only he could ever seem to manage before looking back down to his book. “But I had no reason to heal Colonel Rhodes.”
“No, I think you did,” Tony replied, stepping further into the room, the door clicking shut behind him. “I think you did it because I asked you to.”
Loki’s gaze snapped back up at that, his lips twisting into a grimace that he wasn’t fast enough to hide. “I told you to never speak of that again,” he growled.
“No, you told me to never ask you for meaningless sex in exchange for a spell ever again,” Tony corrected. “And you’re right, that was pretty shitty of me, but I was desperate—”
“And now you are not,” Loki cut in. “So you have no reason to be here. Leave me in peace.”
For a moment, Tony considered it. Loki was clearly trying his hardest to be standoffish, to make it seem that he wanted nothing more than to be left alone. But there was something to the slight downturn at the corner of his mouth, and to the touch of pain in his gaze as he stared down at the book he clearly wasn’t reading. It was enough to make Tony want to stay.
He moved slowly, cautiously, to sit beside Loki on the couch. And Loki watched him with narrowed eyes, but he didn’t object, and he didn’t flinch away, so Tony thought that Loki might not be as averse to his presence as he was trying to seem.
But Tony, of course, knew that already.
“You still haven’t answered my question,” he pointed out, keeping the tone conversational.
“I thought you answered it yourself.”
“Oh, so it is because I asked,” Tony said brightly. “Loki, come on. You’ve done a good thing, and I’m grateful—”
“So what?” Loki snapped, closing his book and turning to face Tony properly– and the change in him was great enough that it kept Tony’s mouth shut long enough for Loki to continue, the words spitting and hissing through a bitter growl. “So what if I healed him, so what if you’re grateful? What will you do about it? Offer something meaningless and empty? I will not have your charity, and I will not have you grit your teeth through something that should—” His jaw clenched, and he cut himself off. But that was okay.
Tony knew what he had been about to say, anyway.
“Something that shouldn’t be meaningless?” he asked gently.
Loki nodded once, a sharp jerk of his chin that betrayed both bitterness and honesty.
“You wanted it to be real,” Tony said, knowing he was right. “You—”
“It does not matter what I want,” Loki cut in coarsely, the tension flowing from his body as his shoulders slumped. “Because you do not want me.”
The words were cutting, though Tony knew that they weren’t meant to be. Loki just looked so incredibly broken, and it tore at Tony’s heart in a way that he hadn’t expected. It wasn’t pity, or sympathy, or even entirely guilt, though that certainly played a part– he just hated seeing Loki in pain. But Tony couldn’t deny it, couldn’t say that he had been hiding a secret desire, because Loki was right. When Tony had made that offer, less than a day ago, he hadn’t wanted to do it. He would have forced himself through it for Rhodey’s sake, and maybe, if Loki had given in to his own desires, he would have tried to help Tony enjoy it. But it would have tasted bitter, poisoned by the fact that it was merely a means to an end.
But what if it… wasn’t?
Loki cared more deeply than Tony had ever realised– enough to help Tony’s friend just because Tony had needed him to, not even taking credit for the act because he hadn’t wanted affection born only in gratitude or in payment of a debt. Loki cared enough to love in silence, and that shook Tony down to the core.
He hadn’t thought of Loki in that way before, not beyond a fleeting appreciative glance and a curious what if.
But…
“What if I did?” Tony asked quietly, half speaking only to himself. But when Loki’s sad eyes widened with hope, Tony offered him a small smile. “Your edges are not half so sharp as you like to make people think, you know.”
Loki was staring at him like he’d never seen him before, his lips parting slightly in disbelief– but then he blinked the expression away, and his brows pulled back into a frown.
“Don’t play with me,” he said. “It will not end well.”
“For who?” Tony asked.
“For both of us.” Loki’s expression was hard, but there was something cracked along the surface that Tony just ached to smooth away.
“I’m not playing,” Tony whispered, reaching up to touch his fingers to Loki’s jaw in the lightest of caresses. “Just… let me show you.”
He leaned in slowly, softly, his eyes starting to close as he felt the brush of lips—
But then hands slammed into his shoulders and shoved him back against the couch, and his eyes flew open to see Loki leaning over him. The force of his shove had spun them both around, and Loki’s knees were either side of Tony’s legs as he towered over him.
“No,” Loki hissed, baring his teeth. “Don’t.”
“But you want to, don’t you?” Tony asked, tilting his head. He didn’t press further, he wouldn’t until Loki asked. But Loki was all but straddling him, and as Tony bit his lip and arched his back just slightly, just enough to touch their chests together, Loki seemed to realise it.
“Of course I want to,” he groaned, leaning down slightly.
“So do it,” Tony taunted, their faces close enough now that he only had to turn just so for his lips to brush over Loki’s jawline. “What’s holding you back?”
“You have not wanted me for years,” Loki said brokenly. “If we do this, and then you leave, it will hurt far more than simply wanting from a distance.”
Tony smiled, and finally pressed a kiss to Loki’s cheek, close to the corner of his mouth. “There’s nothing to worry about,” he promised. “I’m not gritting my teeth, not now that I know what this feels like. Not now that I know it’s real.” He buried one hand into Loki’s hair, and let the other curl around the back of Loki’s neck as he touched his lips to Loki’s ear and whispered, “Come on, Lokes. Take the leap.”
And finally, Loki let go, pushing Tony away just far enough to bring their lips together in a searing kiss. Their mouths clashed like they were running out of time, tongues rolling, toes curling, hands and fingers raking over burning skin as years of longing and newfound desire collided in a wave of passion which left them both craving more. Loki pressed Tony back into the couch, his weight both grounding and dizzying, and Tony arched up into the heat of Loki’s body with a hitched breath and a pleading moan. But just as Tony’s muscles began to quiver with need Loki pulled back, and flushed cheeks and swollen lips did not diminish the force of his stare.
“I do not want you to do this because you think that… you owe me,” Loki said, holding Tony’s gaze. “You owe me nothing.”
“That’s not true,” Tony disagreed, his voice rough. “But it’s still not why I’m doing this.”
“Then why?”
“Because even though you don’t like to admit it, you’re a good person,” Tony said. “Because you care so deeply despite the way people treat you, despite the fact that you deserve so much better. Because even though you wanted to, you refused to sleep with me when you knew I didn’t. And because yeah, you’re hiding, but I think I might be starting to see the person underneath.”
Loki arched a brow. “And?”
“And I think I might like him,” Tony replied, his lips curling into a smile. “At least enough to want to see what happens next.”
Loki smile was soft and the following kiss was sweet, slower than their first and aching with the kind of feeling that usually had Tony running for the hills. But somehow, it was all right, because Tony knew that Loki didn’t care about what he could get from being with Tony– he only cared that the feeling was honest, and that it was true.
When they broke apart, Loki’s eyes remained closed for a long moment, and his breaths were slow, relaxed, content. Tony smiled at the sight, a soft thing that he knew was incredibly fond.
“I don’t know where this is going to lead us,” Tony whispered, his hand caressing Loki’s cheek. “But I know that I’d like to find out.”
“Yes,” Loki replied softly. “I would like that as well.”