Work Text:
Niall closes the door of the hotel room behind him and sighs. They're done with filming, and done with the promo for the next couple of days. The break they have coming up is ridiculously short, but it's still a break.
He's off to Melbourne tomorrow, and can enjoy a few days without worrying about putting his foot in his mouth in front of hundreds of people.
He shakes his head at himself, still irritated, and coughs weakly. Hopefully he'll feel better by the time he has to fly back to London. This cold is slowly eating at him, and the antibiotics make him cranky. Harry's feeling poorly too, with an achy ear, and Niall's worried about it, and annoyed that Harry didn't tell him before revealing it in an interview.
Then again, Harry acted like Niall had forgotten to tell him he was sick, when Niall's sure he didn't. He knows Harry just took the opportunity to make a joke, but it still grated. Everything's been fucking grating for the past few days. The worst is that Niall usually loves Australia, so obviously everything had to go to shit here. The universe is so kind.
He drops his bag on the floor and goes to sit on the bed. He's so tired. The break will be good. He needs the break, and he needs to just stay here while the others fly out, and spend some time with his relatives and friends. It'll make him feel better, he's sure.
It doesn't help him much tonight, knowing that. Even the exhaustion won't take off the edge, the irritation and slight anxiety still running through him. He's started tearing at his nails without even noticing.
He tries to calm down by breathing in deeply, but it just makes him cough. He thinks the antibiotics should be making him feel better, but his chest still hurts, and his face feels all stuffed and fuzzy and wrong. He need to take his meds before sleeping, but he doesn't want to get up again.
He climbs up higher on the bed instead and lies down, shivering against the A/C. He just wants to fall asleep, and not think about Harry flying back to LA once again, and Liam, Louis, and Zayn heading to England together. He wants to stay here. He loves Australia, and it's a chance to see his friends and family, and he hated flying while sick, and he doesn't want to do it again right now.
He just—he wishes he didn't miss them when they're gone. He wishes he fucking didn't, because when it's dark and he's alone in his hotel room he knows they don't. He wishes he hadn't said anything about not seeing each other during break.
He pulls the covers over himself, and curls up, squeezing his eyes closed. Another coughing fit comes over him, and he hacks against the pillow, feeling pathetic. He's tired, and angry, and sad and he hates it all. He barely realises it when he starts crying, but soon he's shaking with the sobs, feeling wrecked.
He must dream the knock against the door. He presses his hand to his mouth, trying to keep quiet, but it just makes him cough more.
The knock comes again, followed by, "Niall? You there?"
It sounds like Louis. Niall clutches the covers tighter, and hides his face in the pillow. He's not going to answer. He thinks he's still crying. He doesn't fucking care.
"Niall?" Louis calls again. Niall ignores him.
It's quiet for a while. Louis must have left. Niall's not really surprised, almost laughing. It comes out as a sob. He can't stop; he can't remember the last time he cried like this.
He startles violently when he hears the door open. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"Niall?" Louis asks. "Sorry, I lost my lighter, and I thought Zayn had it, but he said Liam slipped it in your bag, and I—Niall?"
Niall shakes his head. "I don't know where it is," he says, voice muffled against the pillow. Fuck, why did Louis come in.
"Niall," Louis says. "Are you okay?"
Niall chokes a little. "Yeah."
"Niall—"
"How did you get in?" Niall asks, trying to keep his voice from shaking.
"Got Alberto to give me the keycard," Louis says.
"Oh," Niall says. "My bag's on the floor."
"I see it," Louis says. The bed dips then, and Niall covers his face with his arm. At least he's turned away from Louis. He really doesn't want Louis to see how pathetic he is.
"You can take it and go," Niall tries one more time. "I'm trying to sleep here."
"You're crying," Louis says. He touches Niall's shoulder, and Niall flinches away. "Niall."
"'M not," Niall says. "I'm just sick."
"I could hear you," Louis says. "It's okay. What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Niall says, because this isn't something he can just come out and say. This isn't like when he had food poisoning and the boys curled up with him and petted his hair and made him laugh. It's not like when he was feeling homesick and Zayn knew exactly what Niall himself couldn't vocalise and held him tight. It's not like that at all.
"Nialler," Louis says, voice light and gentle, and it makes Niall cry harder. He hates it. He wants Louis to go, but he doesn't want Louis to leave him.
"Don't," Niall says. "Don't, go away."
"Do you really want me to?" Louis asks. "Not sure how I feel about leaving you alone right now, babe."
Niall sniffles. He's all snot, and his eyes are burning. "I'm fine. You can go."
Louis doesn't. He lies down behind Niall on the bed, knees pressing against the backs of Niall's. He doesn't say anything else—a rarity for him. Niall's still crying. He tries to stop, tries to breathe steadily. He ends up coughing instead.
"Shh," Louis says, and places his hand on Niall's side. "You're so tense, Ni, you need to relax. Breathe."
"I'm trying," Niall snaps. It comes out weak.
"Alright," Louis says, and gently rubs his side. "I know. Do you think you can tell me what's wrong now? I'm sort of flying blind here."
Niall takes in a shaky breath and doesn't answer.
"Alright," Louis says again. "Well, I know you're feeling poorly right now. But it'll get better soon, yeah? The break will be good for that. Soak up the sun here, you'll be a hundred percent in no time."
He seems to take Niall's silence as confirmation, because he scoots closer to Niall, and keeps talking. "A bit of rest will fix you right up. It's great you're staying here for it, too. Me and Liam are so jealous."
"Then why aren't you staying?" Niall asks, awkwardly wiping at his eyes. He doesn't want to talk about this, but he can't hold it back.
"Should have stayed, shouldn't we?" Louis asks. "I could have gone surfing with Liam. Next time, though."
Niall's face crumples again; he feels like he's choking on the sobs as he tries to pull away from Louis.
"Hey," Louis says, and sits up behind Niall. Niall thinks he's going to leave now. His back feels cold now that Louis isn't pressed up against him. His body heaves with the sobs, and he fucking hates it.
"Niall," Louis says, and clutches at his arm. "Niall, mate, tell me what's wrong. Please."
"It's nothing," Niall manages to get out.
"Bullshit," Louis says fiercely. "This isn't like you. It's not, like, when one of us cries because we're exhausted or sick or something. Tell me what's wrong."
"Why do you care?" Niall asks. He doesn't mean to; it just comes out.
There's silence. "What?" Louis asks. "Of course I care. Niall."
"No," Niall says. "No, I know, I know you do. It's so stupid, I'm—"
"Niall," Louis says, and squeezes his arm.
"Just. Why don't you ever come visit?" Niall asks, and hitches in a breath. "During break, none of you do."
Louis doesn't say anything. Niall figured he wouldn't. He doesn't know how to shut up, though.
"I know we all go to see our families, and you guys see your girlfriends, but—you and Zayn still hang out, and you and Liam write together, and Harry's off in LA or with Nick, and I just—fuck." He presses his hand against his eyes, and tries to stop crying.
Louis is stroking his arm. "Niall."
"I miss you," Niall says. "I miss you all, and I feel like such an idiot."
"Hey," Louis says. "It's not—" He huffs. "You're not an idiot."
Niall breathes in slowly, and doesn't say anything. He feels terrible.
"You know we love you, right?" Louis asks. "We're busy, but—we love you, Niall."
Niall sniffs. "Yeah," he says miserably. "I know."
"Can you look at me?" Louis asks.
Niall shakes his head and hides his face against the pillow again. It makes breathing harder, but he doesn't care. Louis sighs.
"Alright then," he says, and shifts on the bed. Niall thinks he's going to leave. He's fucking terrified of it, and he hates it.
Louis doesn't leave. He lies down behind Niall again instead, and wraps his arm around Niall's waist, pressing himself close.
"I don't know what to say," Louis says. "Didn't know you felt like that."
"It's stupid," Niall says. "I know."
"It's not," Louis says. "I just—god, I don't even know. I know you like having time to yourself. Like, not like Zayn, but you like being on your own, you've said."
Niall takes in a deep breath. He's all out of tears. Louis hasn't left yet, at least. It counts for something.
"I've invited you over before," Niall says. "Did you think I was joking?"
"I don't know," Louis says again. "God, I'm sorry."
Niall presses his eyes closed. Maybe he's just being ridiculous. But it's how he feels.
There's a knock on the door then. Niall sucks in a breath.
"Niall? Is Louis there?" It's Zayn.
"Perfect," Louis whispers, and shoots out of bed. Niall immediately feels cold, his breath hitching again. He wipes at his nose.
He hears Louis open the door, hears Zayn ask, "What's wrong?"
He thinks they probably won't leave immediately, not without a bit more awkwardness, but he doesn't expect Louis to climb back on the bed and fit himself against Niall's back again, arm slipped around him.
"Well, come on," Louis says, clearly aimed at Zayn. "Get over here."
There's the sound of the door closing, quick footsteps, and then Zayn's crouching down in front of the bed, hand on Niall's arm.
"What's wrong?" he asks again. "Niall?"
"Tell Niall we love him even if we don't see him all the time."
Niall sniffles. Louis makes it sound so stupid.
"Of course we love him," Zayn says. "Niall, hey."
He brushes Niall's hair away from his forehead. Niall keeps his eyes closed.
"Also tell him we're sorry we don't come around much," Louis says. "And we're sorry if we fuck up sometimes."
"I don't understand," Zayn says. It makes Niall's stomach hurt. Everything hurts—from the cold, from how much he cried. He's so tired.
Louis pulls Niall closer. "Do you want to tell him yourself?"
"No," Niall says, his voice rough. "It's stupid."
"It's not," Zayn says immediately. "Hey, look at me."
Niall opens his eyes despite himself. Everything's blurry, and his eyes feel all cruddy, but Zayn's face is close, and he looks so worried.
"Hey," Zayn says gently, and brushes his thumb over Niall's cheek. "What is it?"
"I miss you," Niall says. His voice comes out all choked, but it's because of the cold. He's not ready to cry again—he's all cried out. He can feel Louis rest his forehead against the back of his neck.
"But I'm here," Zayn says, brows furrowing.
"No," Niall says, and takes a deep breath. "I miss you during break, and I'm so scared you don't miss me, and you never come to see me, and I have such a bad cold and I'm so tired right now. I'm sorry."
"Oh," Zayn says, his expression turning sad. "Oh, Niall."
"Don't," Niall says. "I'm sorry, okay."
"You don't have to be sorry," Louis says, and squeezes Niall's waist.
"We miss you," Zayn says, and cups Niall's cheek. His hand is cool, and comforting. "I miss you, Niall. I'm sorry if I don't show it."
Niall shakes his head. "It's fine." He knows he sometimes expects too much from people—expects them to show love the same way he does. He's getting better at that, though. He knows the boys love him. He just wants them to come around every once in a while. Sometimes he just gets scared.
"It's not fine if you're crying," Zayn says.
"I know you love me," Niall says. "I do."
"We'll come visit more," Louis says. "I'll drag Zayn out there myself."
"You won't need to drag me," Zayn mutters. Niall almost smiles. "Hey," Zayn says, and squeezes his shoulder. "We can talk about this, yeah? You don't have to, like, keep stuff like this a secret from us."
"It's not a secret," Niall says. "It just seems so stupid. I don't want to make you feel bad."
"It's not stupid if it's how you feel, yeah?" Zayn says. "It's important to you, and we want to hear about it."
"God," Louis says. "You're so much better at this than me."
Niall shrugs one shoulder. "You did alright."
Louis laughs, shaking Niall with it. Niall catches Zayn smiling fondly. His eyelids are getting heavy.
"I'm so tired," Niall says, and coughs weakly. "Fuck."
"Is your cold not getting better?" Zayn asks.
Niall shrugs again. "Don't know. Maybe."
"Need to look after yourself," Louis says. "We need our Niall, don't we, Zayn?"
Niall's eyes prickle. "Don't treat me like a child."
"Sorry," Louis says, and pats his chest. "It's still true. We need you."
"We love you," Zayn says softly, and brushes a kiss against Niall's forehead.
Niall makes a face. "I'm all gross."
"Let's get you cleaned up, then," Louis says. Zayn gets up and comes back with a couple of tissues.
"Thanks," Niall says, and takes them, wiping at his face. He feels disgusting.
"Do you need anything else?" Zayn asks.
"Maybe get him some water," Louis says.
"My antibiotics," Niall says. "Should take them before bed."
"They in your bag?" Zayn asks.
"Yeah," Niall says.
Zayn goes and gets him the meds. Niall's hand shakes from exhaustion when he sips on the water, and Louis helps steady him.
"Come on," Louis says, and pulls Niall to the middle of the bed. Zayn lies down on Niall's other side. "Sleep," says Louis.
"Get some rest," Zayn says, and squeezes his hand.
"Okay," Niall says. He can't keep his eyes open any longer.
They stay with him for the night.
Niall wakes early in the morning to Zayn behind him, protective arm thrown over Niall's middle, and Louis curled up facing him, his knees touching Niall's.
He doesn't think it'll magically change everything, but it means a lot to him, still. It makes him feel just a bit lighter.
He watches Louis's nose twitch in his sleep, and listens to Zayn's soft breathing. His phone is still in his jeans pocket, and when he manages to pull it out he finds texts from both Harry and Liam, asking if he maybe wants to have breakfast with them.
He presses the phone to his chest and closes his eyes for a moment. It's enough for now.