Chapter Text
James Griffin is a fucking moron, a dirty stain in the society, and Keith hates her slightly more than it's called for.
So naturally, it doesn’t take long at all for Keith to finally lose her patience and punch her stupidly pretty face.
For a moment it feels so incredibly good she wants to laugh. Fuck her, fuck them all, she thinks even when she’s sitting in Iverson’s office and listens to him wag his tongue without truly even hearing the words.
She only realises how stupid she is acting when Shiro, perfect Shiro, comes to bail her out of trouble. Of course she does, of course, she comes for Keith, because they’re best friends and Shiro loves her.
Keith has never doubted otherwise, she knows Shiro cares for her and is concerned about her well being, but it’s just…. different. In a very painful way. Keith may be only sixteen but she knows she’s right about her own feelings. She knows her heart craves for Shiro more than anything and she knows that will never cease to be so.
I will never give up on you, Shiro says and Keith can tell that she genuinely means it but also believes it. No one has ever had this much faith in her. It's almost impossible to think about.
In conclusion: Keith is sixteen when she first falls in love with Shiro.
*
So, here’s the thing:
try to imagine, just for a moment, being some insignificant (and perhaps troublesome) 16-year-old girl named Keith Kogane who falls in love with someone she can't possibly ever have.
Imagine how it would hurt-- how the ache would spread like a mortal wound until one would bleed to death. It feels a lot like dying but more than that -- there's something fascinating about how morbid it is, how all-consuming the dread can be when one realises that this is something they have to live with for the rest of their days.
Yes, it sucks, and yes, it hurts. Cry me a fucking river.
But because of it, there’s nothing Keith wouldn’t do for Takashi Shirogane and that is something that won't change. Ever.
How very dramatic, Shiro says with a laugh, not unkindly, when Keith tells her that she loves her more than anyone in the world and would very much like to be her girlfriend. Keith is sixteen then, practically an adult in all but in the eyes of the law, and she just doesn’t get why Shiro doesn’t even humour her enough to actually consider that what they share is something more than mundane, boring friendship.
Their love could be cosmic and all-consuming, something built to last. The main issue they have is sad: Shiro doesn’t think Keith is serious. She says that Keith is too young to know what she wants, too young to make this kind of decision, too young to truly commit to a real relationship like this.
And it’s all fucking bullshit, of course. Shiro knows that Keith knows that all those words are a bunch of excuses made to mask the obvious truth Keith’s been aware of from the start.
Because the real reason is that Shiro doesn’t feel the same way about Keith. She doesn’t love Keith in the way Keith loves her.
Shiro’s in love with someone else and that someone is her girlfriend called Adam Watson. A very generic name for a very generic person, Keith thinks, not at all bitterly, every time she sees them together. Shiro could do better, is the thought that haunts her in the cold nights when she falls asleep alone while knowing that at that moment, Shiro is in bed with Adam, their bodies curled around each other, holding tight, their hearts cradled between like they're worth everything to protect against. And maybe their love is indeed worth that much, but Keith doubts it.
Yes, Shiro could do so much better than someone who is only there to crush her dreams and Keith intends to make her see that, one way or another.
*
One of Keith’s favourite moments in the world is when Shiro plays with her hair.
It's a thing they do: lying on a couch watching movies with Shiro's big hand buried in Keith's short locks of black hair which is just a little too long and messy to be a proper pixie cut. It's one of the nicest things Keith has ever felt, so she revels in it-- perhaps more than is necessary. Shiro has never commented or asked about it and Keith can't decide whether she's disappointed or not.
If Shiro did ask, Keith would say that it's nice to have someone who actually cares about her. To have someone so gentle and kind it makes her pessimistic attitude towards the world change drastically for the better.
But for now, Keith just enjoys the feel of Shiro's blunt nails against her scalp and the way her long fingers comb gently through her hair. The feeling is so good it's hard to describe words that are sufficient enough to truly portray the amount of affection Keith feels in these kinds of minutes.
One of their shared nights go like this:
“You’re... purring,” Shiro says, very quietly (carefully?), when Keith is half-asleep with her head buried in Shiro's lap, her cheek pressed against the strong muscle of Shiro thigh. This is the most comfortable she’s possibly ever been-- with Shiro’s fingers combing through her tousled hair.
“Mm?” she yawns, burrowing her face to Shiro’s stomach which is soft and pudgy in the slouching position Shiro is in right now. Shiro is, of course, probably more muscled than anyone else in Garrison, but like this? She’s cuddly and very warm in a way that makes Keith want to stay in her lap forever.
She’s tired and relaxed, her mind foggy with love and affection and it takes a while for Shiro’s words to sink in. “What do you mean purring?” she asks.
Shiro shrugs, her hand pausing its movement making Keith feel like she has done something wrong. “Purring,” Shiro repeats. “Like a cat.”
“Huh,” Keith mumbles. She turns her head to be able to look at Shiro’s face, nose pinching. “Sorry,” she murmurs a little sheepishly. Shiro chuckles warmly and smiles down at her, the sight so pretty it makes Keith ache.
"Don't be," Shiro says easily, her hand coming down to rest against Keith's stomach, tapping with a palm. "It's cute."
Shiro has been… avoiding the topic of Keith's affections since she first confessed them to Shiro. She seems content to ignore it as puppy love and even now there's nothing intimate about the words, it's an innocent, careless statement with no secretly written love letter in it.
And yet -- yet Keith can feel her cheeks heating and she bites her bottom lip with her teeth. Shiro has already turned her gaze back to the tv, though, probably didn't even notice Keith's reaction.
Because they're friends and allies against the world, but nothing more than that.
Even if it is utter bullshit for anyone to doubt that Keith loves Shiro more than life itself. Keith will make her see, she will make them all see, mark her words.
No one in the world is more important than Takashi Shirogane.
*
Time flies, as they say, and eventually Adam and Shiro end up breaking things off.
It was inevitable, Keith dares to think inside her closed-off mind but she’s not cruel enough to let Shiro know about her unfairly smug thoughts. She hates to see Shiro hurting like this, she detests Adam with her every bone, because Shiro always thought that she and Adam would be the real deal as much as it pained Keith to admit. Shiro thought that over time they would get married and be happy with at least three kids and a house with a white picket fence. Maybe a throw in a dog, too, to make it even better.
Yes, a perfect life, a perfectly painted future. It was a nice dream, Keith thinks. Shiro certainly deserves to have those things-- more so than anyone else Keith has come to know. But maybe, this was for the best.
Keith briefly entertains the thought of making her move now, how she would comfort Shiro better than anyone else could: how Keith would wipe her tears and hug her better than anyone else could; watch movies all day and eat junk food; kiss her until she falls asleep with a happy smile on her face.
But that would feel as if she was taking advantage and that is the last thing she wants to do.
No, Keith will wait for Shiro even if it will take years. She's worth it.
They are worth it.
*
And then, almost without a warning:
The launch of the Kerberos mission is coming closer and closer a lot quicker than Keith would like.
She knows Shiro will do great. She knows this is what Shiro wants more than anything, the one reason she’s risked so much for -- the one thing she wants to do before her body will start betraying her in a more lasting way. She deserves to do this, she deserves to feel like she’s doing something good, that she’s making history in a way she knows best. Shiro is an excellent pilot and a better friend and she’s the one person who Keith will support through thick and thin.
But -- that doesn’t mean Keith doesn’t miss Shiro like hell once she’s gone.
They don’t spend the last night before the launch together.
Or more accurately: alone.
Because there's a party.
A very large surprise party.
Keith is not sure whose idea it was or who organised it, but there she stands in the corner of the room, clutching a soda can in her fist while loud, obnoxious music is making her ears ring. There's laughter and drunk people and dancing -- the whole shebang. Something memorable and fun for Shiro and Matt to remember when they're gone to chase their dreams.
Keith's disappointed, to say the least.
So, as one can probably guess: she's moping.
Though, she tries not to be very obvious about it. She's standing in the farthest corner of the room drinking her orange soda one tiny sip at the time and tries not to look like she wants to kill someone. Even if that isn't that far from the truth.
Keith doesn't know where Shiro is. She hasn't seen even a glimpse of her in 20 fucking minutes when she dancing with some of her other friends to the beat of the music like a massive dork, being so damn annoying and --
Cute. The word is cute. It made Keith want to kiss her for the first time in a while.
Because she's giving Shiro space. To think and to feel. And maybe, just maybe -- to realise.
She can do it and she has done it and it hasn't hurt nearly as much as she suspected. So, it's fine. They're friends. Great friends.
Keith sips her soda again. It tastes bad and she kind of hates it, but she hasn't had anything else to do when Shiro's not with her.
Where the hell is she?
Keith scowls.
In the end, after an hour of Shiro nowhere to be seen: leaves the room.
*
The next morning Shiro leaves with a bone-warming farewell hug and it's one of the better things Keith has ever felt. Shiro says she will miss her and Keith returns the sentiment, the truth of everything between enclosed by voiceless lips.
But it's also very proper. Professional. The words Keith speaks are ones she rehearsed last night after she returned to her room and shed a couple of tears for the unfairness of the world. They don't bring up yesterday other than Shiro apologising for her disappearance ten times in a row and Keith shrugging it off like the good friend she is.
Shiro touches Keith's hair, pets the shaggy bangs away to meet her eyes. Then she pokes the corner of Keith's downturned mouth and tells her to smile, they will see each other again real soon.
Neither of them thinks it's a lie or untruthful because it's shrouded by genuine obliviousness of all that could go wrong.
+
After the supposed pilot error, more than anything else Keith ends up regretting, is that she didn't tell her she was in love with Shiro the second time.
Maybe Shiro would have finally indulged her without closing her eyes.