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When I was young, I wanted to explore the world and discover uncharted lands. I wanted to see the stars up close and run a marathon across the universe. I wanted to touch the deepest part of the seas with my hands and swim with whales.
When I was young, I wanted to live.
I still am young, though, and I still do want to live but it has become so tiring now. I never thought of my life as something that was a burden. Sure I had bad days, but the good ones were more. And I want more good ones, more bad ones even, but I am not sure if I am going to get them.
Because I'm tired. I'm so tired. Tired of being stuck between living and dying at once. Of not being alive enough and not being dead either. Of just... existing quietly and suffering.
Davy tells me to stay strong, to not give up but he is not the one who is staring death in the face. I am. I'm not giving up, I'm just accepting what is inevitable. I'm not losing a battle. I'm just going to call it a day and get some rest. Some sleep. Sometimes death actually seems nice. Almost like the comforting arms of my mum. I want to go sometimes.
And when I am gone, when I am not here anymore, I'll do everything I ever wanted to do. I'll go and see the stars. I'll swim with the whales. I'll discover those lands. And I'll also meet my grandfather. I always missed him.
I'll do everything. I'll be infinite. I'll be everything.
And yet...
I'm not exactly looking forward to it. I'm just trying to be happy, keep myself positive in the face of everything. That was one of the very first things my mum had taught me. Be happy.
I don't know if I am though. Happy.
I'm scared. I'm so so scared.
Because yes, I am tired but I am also looking at something that's uncertain. It's like I'm hanging over a chasm and I'm not sure if there is something down there to cushion my fall. Like my grip is going to give away any second now. There is no one who can pull me up. I have accepted that.
I wish my mum had been here. Or Mit. I wish I had maintained contact with them. I wish I hadn't trusted Davy so much. I wish-
No. No no no. I'll not think of it. It'll only make me more miserable.
I'll think of nice things. Things that make me happy and make me smile. That warm me up from the inside.
Things that I'll miss when I go.
Like drinking coffee and reading books. I'll miss playing rugby and listening to music. I'll miss the feeling of grass under my bare feet and the morning chill. I'll miss wearing nice clothes and feeding the chickens. Just everything. I'll miss living.
I'll miss talking to Mit and my family.
Most of all, I'll miss Simon. My rosebud boy.
How I love holding him close to me, caressing his soft skin. My baby boy. How I love him. I hope he knows that when he grows up because he means more to me than anything. Anyone.
I know that when I go, he'll have no one and that scares me so much because I know Davy has no love for him. I wonder how I did not understand what he truly is. He is a fanatic. He only loves his ideals and power. Simon and I... we are just tools. I wish I had listened to Mitali. I wish I had listened to my mum.
Oh, I'd never be able to them how sorry I am.
I never wanted to die with so many regrets, with so many unfulfilled dreams and hopes.
"Lucy?"
Speak of the devil.
I look up and see Davy in the doorway, eyeing me with caution. Like I'm going to explode any second. Fucking asshole.
"Yes?" I ask. I try not to notice the weak little croak that is my voice now.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Yes. I've never felt more alive."
He sighs. "Lucy-"
"Go away. Just- just bring Simon."
"Lucy-"
I think I'm crying now, but I shake my head vehemently when he tries to approach me.
"No, go away. Go save the world or something. Just bring Simon."
"But-"
"Go!"
I feel dizzy, shouting like that, but fuck, that felt good.
"Fine."
He sighs again before he leaves and returns with Simon in his arms. I stretch out my arms to hold him without even thinking. God knows when I'd be able to do this again.
"Lucy, please, at least-" David tries for the last time but I am done with him and his ideas. He can go and fuck himself.
"David, please. Go."
He gives me a defeated look but my face is impassive as I watch him sigh wearily and leave.
I'm still crying when I glance at Simon and I feel even more tired now. Fuck, I can't even cry without feeling like I'm going to pass out due to exhaustion. Meanwhile Simon is looking at me with his big blue eyes that are so much like mine.
"Hey."
He doesn't reply, of course he doesn't. He just keeps his gaze glued to me.
"Hey, so I know you won't even remember me or anything that I'm going to say now when you grow up but that's ok. Maybe your subconscious mind will."
"So always remember three things. One, if you get a friend like Mitali Bunce, someone who is smarter than you are, just fucking listen to their advice. They know what they are saying and they mean the best for you. Just don't fuck up like I did. And no, I don't care if I'm swearing in front of you."
"Two, never ever use people. Never. Your dad's going to meet a sticky end, you mark my words. Be anyone but do not be like him. He's an awful man. You just be my golden rosebud boy, okay?"
"And three." I kiss his forehead now. "Always remember that I love you. And I'm not leaving you, I'm just-" I swallow and kiss him again. "I'm just going to go and play rugby with the stars and your great grandfather. I'll be with you, even if you can't see me or hear me. I'll be with you. Always."
I'll be with you.