Work Text:
It was a finger that inched forward
then a hand fully clasped, fingers interlaced.
Then a kiss. A blush. We were just boys. -Stephen S Mills
It was somehow a routine for Juyeon to visit Jacob’s basement and play around a little with the instruments, especially the drums. It all started like that, with Jacob’s invitation last year, Juyeon recalls meeting him one day, their link friend being Jaehyun, and then they were there at Jacob’s with nothing else but a few drinks. Juyeon remembers sitting on the floor his head against the wall and Jaehyun’s soft voice singing the same songs over and over again, Jacob playing some chords in his guitar, and before they knew it the last rays of sunlight shone and dripped gold through the stairs.
The days went by so laxly for some months until he decided that he wanted to try drums, juxtaposed completely with Jaehyun and Jacob’s ballads. But Juyeon liked it, the strength and the sense of rhythm it brought to his life. Soon he became an enthusiast, he would ask Jacob for his drum set which inevitably leads to hangouts at Jacob’s place more often than not (Jaehyun always there too, his voice playful filling the room).
When summer came around Juyeon had become decent with the drums and Jacob was the first to catch up on that; “At this point” he said sitting on the green couch “we could even form a band”. Juyeon knew Jacob’s comment was more of a joke than it was sincere, but that didn’t change the sudden rush of passion, adrenaline he felt to make something theirs.
That night the idea danced around his head, shinning and exciting.
*
“So I was thinking,” Juyeon said as he descended the stairs, a drink in his hand. The basement was always suffocated and humid, maybe that was part of its charm, the reason why every time Juyeon entered that place, somehow obscure (the lightbulb old and dusty) he felt as if he were welcomed to a completely different place, where time didn’t pass, it was only music and white noise. Jacob and Jaehyun were sitting on the floor, Jacob with his guitar in hand and Jaehyun softly singing along, they looked so comfortable around each other that Juyeon felt like interrupting when he continued with his idea
“…About the band thing? I think we should do it”.
They both looked up at Juyeon, confused at most. Juyeon smiled shyly in return.
*
Two months had passed since Juyeon’s direct invitation to form a band and in an almost organic way, Jaehyun and Jacob agreed to play this game, their routine did not change a tiny bit (since they already spent hours down in the basement, song after song, laughing at the mistakes Juyeon made while playing the drums, Jaehyun staring at Jacob while he played the guitar) only that this time they all focused on the same thing, this sort of band thing and the sound they wanted to create. Juyeon had many ideas, some new some others completely inspired by old bands he liked, he even, poorly, sketched some ideas, the concepts and the direction he wanted to take alongside Jaehyun and Jacob.
It had not occurred to Juyeon that they needed a bassist if they wanted to resemble a band at the very least. And that’s exactly what Kevin is. Kevin is Jacob’s friend from Canada, the same age as Juyeon, and good at singing, playing the piano, and of course, bass. Kevin was at first, a friend in common, someone who slowly but surely inserted himself into the whole band thing they got going on.
The first time Juyeon saw Kevin Moon was that autumn afternoon, the “band” fooling around in the basement, the instruments as mere decoration and the sound of rain against the windows like a reminder of some sorts, he didn’t know of what. Kevin, with black long-ish hair, a smile so big when he entered the room alongside Jacob. He waved at both Juyeon and Jaehyun with a reduced smile and ignored them the next hours, too busy catching up with his friend,( or at least that’s what Juyeon perceived.)
Despite being Korean, Kevin was new in Korea, the odds.
Juyeon quickly understood the cultural shock and the homesickness with which Kevin carried himself, every time they met he would mention Canada, and longingly recall episodes of familiarity and memories that he could only share with a nostalgic face, Juyeon wondered then what was it like to miss home so much, he didn’t know such feeling and that was the first difference between him and Kevin.
It took him no time to start writing those differences in his head. Kevin who was a fan of theatre, or how he expressed himself better in English, the words precise and foreign coming out of his mouth, often talking with Jacob and laughing, carefree the moment he met Jacob but scarcely talked when he was with Juyeon.
That was the thing, also. They did not talk enough, nothing beyond nodding their heads and monosyllables when asked a question, Kevin always next to Jacob, and no words needed because after two weeks of knowing each other no one tried to get closer. Juyeon because he was quiet and expressed himself better when playing the drums, the strength of his movements and his arms up waiting for the exact moment to use his drum sticks (the ones he recently bought with his own money), and Kevin who was always busy sketching things for them and who also talked more with Jacob than anyone else and only joined them once a week. They seemly aware of each other’s presence but never verbally acknowledging it.
It wasn’t a problem until it became one, for Juyeon personally.
For him, sharing his ideas and vision was easy when it came to Jacob and Jaehyun, friends for a while, and who often would listen to him and give some feedback. To try to do the same with Kevin was at first, complicated.
It was one afternoon, the basement almost dark at six, Jacob and Jaehyun out at the grocery store buying snacks for the band (both completely refused Juyeon’s attempt to go instead, afraid of being left alone with Kevin. An episode of awkwardness he was sure they would experience).
That left Juyeon sitting on the floor playing lazily with his drumsticks, while Kevin sketched on his iPad; a piece of hair falling before his eyes, Juyeon noticed, was curious.
“You really like drawing” it is supposed to be a question but comes out as a statement instead, Kevin looks up from his iPad and for the first time in two weeks, he looks at Juyeon in the eye. It is weird, unusual and the room feels heavy for some reason.
“Yeah, I’m actually doing some lettering” Kevin’s voice is vibrant and his eyes light up just a bit when he mentions lettering.
“Oh,” says Juyeon, standing up and walking towards Kevin, still somehow awkward as they lied on opposites sides of the room.
“I like to sketch things out too, but I’m not good at it”
Kevin looks at him, cat-like eyes while he contemplates Juyeon standing in front of him, tall and lanky, glasses on, and makes room for him on the couch.
“I’m sure you are good, or at least you’re trying and that’s what matters” Juyeon nodded and sat there, not knowing how to move or what to say, he didn’t know Kevin, Kevin didn’t know him.
It came to Juyeon’s mind that if he wanted the band to work and their music to be real, he had to be close with Kevin, open the conversation, he had to be a friend to Kevin, and Kevin was there, and nothing else was happening, the white noise became unbearable.
“Do you want to see the messy things I do?” His voice finally rose in the dry silence, Kevin, a bit surprised, nodded with half a smile as Juyeon proceeded to open his notepad.
When he opened one page and showed it to Kevin, and the latter giggled and called one of his drawings “cute”, Juyeon felt as if he had archived something that evening.
By the moment Jaehyun and Jacob arrived, walking down the stairs with drinks and snacks, it was past seven. Kevin and Juyeon in the same space, sketching silently side by side with the dim light like a halo of some sort, framing their bodies that were shadows. Something in the air shifted.
*
If Juyeon were to label his relationship with Kevin now, after two months of sketching together; lazy afternoons and broken drumsticks, lights off and Jacob’s guitar, moments of peaceful silence even, when they’d drop on the floor, laying there as if nothing else mattered, he would say that they are friends but not quite, acquittances yet closer than that. It was confusing up to some point, some ephemeral moments where he would search for Kevin’s eyes while he was practicing his set, and Kevin would gaze at him too and smile while nodding his head to the beat. Then Juyeon wouldn’t know if what galloped in his chest was a product of the music or Kevin’s eyes on him.
However, on a different day, things shifted and sometimes Kevin wouldn’t look at him, busy with the bass or chatting in English with Jacob. It was understandable, they were long time friends, shared so much while living in Canada, it was normal for Kevin to seek solace in Jacob who was always nice and soft-spoken. On the other hand, Juyeon was rather awkward and the few long conversations they had ended with nothing else to say, unremarkable. He knew it was part of getting to know people and the beginnings of friendships were full of gray areas, but with Kevin, something moved every time they talked or just sat next to each other on the old greenish couch.
It was something in the way Juyeon anticipated the band meetings like never before, how he would feel the need to share one particular idea with Kevin so he could sketch it out for him (and the band, of course), or how he did not mind Jaehyun and Jacob disappearing in the middle of practice, leaving the two alone in a silence that was not uncomfortable anymore, but calming.
He noticed too, how similar he and Kevin were, the bands they liked, the movies they’d watch, and most importantly how their quiet moments were always enjoyable as if words were not needed because their silence was full of something only they recognized.
November came around with its cold weather and uncertainness, the hangouts at Jacob’s basement reduced at once a week if lucky because collage was a real thing they sometimes forgot about. Due to that very reason, change of schedule, and so on, Juyeon finds himself early at Jacob’s who greets him with a soft smile.
“You look very bright these days” Jacob has always been observant. He noticed, before anyone else, that Juyeon got hooked with the drums.
“I feel great, nothing extraordinary though” he replies with a smile as he walks down the stairs. He sort of expects Kevin to be there already, on the couch, or at that corner where he likes to sit from time to time, drawing and drinking iced coffee despite the cold air that happens to make its way down to their improvised studio. But Kevin is not there and he wonders if he’s joining them that evening or not because Juyeon has been waiting an entire week, to play the drums but also Kevin Moon and the comfort of simply sitting next to him, to listen to his voice whether it be singing a song or talking about his day. That’s why he sounds desperate when he asks Jacob “Is Kevin coming today?”
“I don’t know, he’s been busy with final projects and stuff” Juyeon nods while sets his bag on the floor and sits on the couch, he opens his notepad on a random page, he sees a happy face Kevin once doodled, Jacob seems to notice once again as he throws a glance at him.
“You and Kevin have gotten close” Juyeon is taken aback, he looks at Jacob who is now sitting next to him, his guitar in hand.
“Well not really, but we do understand each other I guess” He is being truthful when he says it. There appears to be some sort of understanding between him and Kevin, although Juyeon is confused because there are things he can not name nor describe when it comes to Kevin. After the long pause, Jacob continues, voice warm
“ Yeah Kevin really likes it when you play the drums, he says you look so into it” there’s a pause again and Juyeon doesn’t know what to say to that, in all honesty.
“Sorry. I think I should’ve let Kevin be the one telling you that, right. Nevermind, he’s probably coming next week so let’s hurry up and clean this mess it’s all dusty in here…”
That evening when Juyeon practices, he thinks about Kevin and what Kevin thinks about him. For once he’s in perfect synch, never misses a beat, and smiles so big that his face hurts once he gets home.
Next week comes in a daze, in between Juyeon’s own academic life and a part-time job, the days flew by and before he realized it he was ready to go to Jacob’s.
When he arrives, Jaehyun greets him instead of Jacob.
“Jacob is returning some books to the library, he’s coming back in a bit” Jaehyun explains
“But Kevin is downstairs, join him and help to move some of the old boxes. Jacob’s words not mine” Jaehyun says as he walks into the kitchen not even waiting for Juyeon’s response.
He goes downstairs silently as he is suddenly aware of the sound his shoes make when he walks, he then sees Kevin in jeans and a big blue hoodie, already moving some boxes. Juyeon feels something in his chest jumping again.
“Need some help?” He genuinely asks as he approaches Kevin. And maybe his legs are too large and he miscalculated his steps, but he’s invading Kevin’s personal space. Once he notices, Kevin is already turning his head to face him. He only mouths an “oh”, his thin lips, it occurs to Juyeon, are pretty.
“Ah Juyeon, there are a few left right there” he points at the boxes with his chin up, Juyeon follows him and in perfect silence, they work, moving the remaining boxes and cleaning the mess. By the time they've finished the room is dark and full of silence which Juyeon had learned to accept.
“Uh last week” Juyeon begins, Kevin’s eyes are quickly on him. “You didn’t come”
Kevin keeps looking at him, it seems like his eyes are searching for Juyeon’s so he dares to stare back at him, there, in their quasi studio, he feels boundless.
“Did you miss me?” Kevin drops, half-smile on. Juyeon is not breathing when he replies “ Yes I did” and Kevin is lovely when he giggles and Juyeon laughs too, the weight leaving his shoulders, because Kevin is there and it is nice, it feels nice.
They talk for a while, Kevin tells Juyeon about college and how finals are making him go crazy, Juyeon listens attentively his eyes never leaving Kevin, It gets to a point where they don’t realize that the time is passing and Jacob hasn’t come back, Jaehyun who was once in the kitchen, probably left too since no noise was coming from upstairs.
Juyeon takes advantage of this solitude that surrounds them and feels comfortable enough to get physically closer to Kevin, it's minimal but he knows Kevin notices, his gaze on him for a second as he speaks on this new song he’s obsessed with.
Juyeon can’t keep his eyes off Kevin and that’s when he knows. The gray areas he once encountered in his friendship with Kevin, all the normal things and the ones that were off, all of that finally making sense in his head.
Oh, he thinks as Kevin keeps talking and moving his hands; talking with his body that is small in that huge hoodie, I like him.
The realization hits in the middle of the conversation, so when Kevin asks “Can you play the drums for me?” It takes Juyeon a couple of seconds to come back to reality and answer with a nod and standing up in a silly way, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
The drums are waiting for him, as welcoming as always.
“What should I play?” Asks Juyeon while he messes around with his drumsticks, a habit he had developed in the past months. Kevin walks around the place, thinking, it seems, he then comes near, close to invading Juyeon’s personal space, but he doesn’t.
“Whatever you want. At this point I’m making excuses” Kevin says, playful but also truthful. “Huh?”
“I really like seeing you play the drums. That’s part of the reason I’m here”
The room feels heavy with anticipation, it's a new feeling also and Juyeon understands.
He looks at Kevin again and is honest when he says
“I think I know too. the reason why I’m here” He smiles shyly with his eyes still on Kevin, like asking for an answer or a question.
Kevin walks closer, one, two steps, he is finally in Juyeon’s personal space. It’s suddenly playful rather than uncomfortable, it’s the way Kevin faces Juyeon there, under the dim light, drums as the only witness of their bodies getting close. It’s Kevin who places his hand on Juyeon’s shoulder and bends down in a rapid motion to kiss him. It’s easy then for Juyeon to return the kiss just as euphorically, impatient because this has been building up for a while, his hand cupping Kevin’s face though, is tender. They’re in perfect synch.
Juyeon feels beyond elated when Kevin breaks the kiss and with eyes still closed he brings their foreheads together, something as intimate as the previous kiss even, his voice warm when he calls Juyeon’s name.
In that room full of silence and dust, lights so weak that their bodies resemble shadows, Juyeon holds Kevin tight.