Work Text:
The snow keeps falling.
Kenma waits for it to let up a bit so he can watch the people on the sidewalk pass by, but it only seems to come down harder. The windows are soon patched over in a cold layer of frost, and Kenma grows bored of tracing patterns into it. A crooked heart, a lopsided smiley face, and an uneven star all stare back at him as if mocking his horrid attempt at finger drawing.
The show Kenma’s got on the TV drones on and on, but the remote’s too far away for him to get without having to walk. He’s about to give up his comfort for a second to turn it off, but the ding of a notification goes off.
He looks down at his phone.
Kuroo: stay warm for me, okay? I want cuddles when I get back :)
Kenma: loser. hurry home, then.
Kuroo: aw babe :(
Kenma: you get a kiss for every minute you aren’t.
Kuroo: you’re e
Kenma: huh
Kenma: kuroo
Kenma: kuroo?
Kenma: ugh. get a new phone already ur connection always sucks.
Kenma: kuroo?
Kenma: kuro.
Kenma: ew whatever.
Kenma: come home already
Kenma: i miss you.
-
-
“So you really can’t remember?”
Kenma sits quietly by Akaashi’s side, waiting for his friend to stop interrogating Kuroo. Kenma knows he means well, but it’s also kind of terrifying to watch.
To be honest, he should probably be the one demanding answers from Kuroo, but it’s exhausting to think right now. It’s fine if Akaashi takes the reins, at least for a little bit.
“N-no,” Kuroo whispers, scratching the back of his head in a way that clearly states his discomfort. “I’m sorry Akaashi, but I’m not really in the mood for a joke right now, so if you could just lead him out?”
“I don’t get it! How could you remember everything but forget Kenma?” Akaashi stands up abruptly and his seat scrapes against the floor with a sharp whine. Kenma flinches at the sound but gets up as well. “Boyfriend, Kuroo, how do you forget your boyfriend? The one you’ve been living with since college? The hell, Kuroo?”
Kenma quietly tugs at Akaashi’s sleeve, sick of the confused expression Kuroo wears.
“Akaashi, this is a hospital, you can’t be yelling like that,” Kenma winces, aware of how rough his own voice sounds. “I’ll just go to the cafeteria.”
Akaashi lets out a guttural sigh and doesn’t let the glare he has beating down on Kuroo let up for even a second. “I’m gonna have Bokuto kick your ass, Kuroo. You know. Once the internal bleeding stops or something.”
Kenma purses his lips together.
“I think I’ll go now.”
-
-
“Stop looking at me like that.”
“What?” Bokuto holds his hands up in the air defensively, eyes growing wider in panic. “I didn’t look at you like that! I’m not even looking, I swear! I’ll buy my own cookie later, so don’t worry!”
“Wha - oh, this?” Kenma holds up the pastry in front of him and watches as Bokuto’s gaze follows it like a dog would a tennis ball. “Bokuto, I’m not talking about the fucking cookie. Here. Take it.”
Bokuto sheepishly smiles but takes the cookie with no shame.
He immediately chomps down on it, and Kenma watches with mild shame as crumbs cascade down onto the table like a little waterfall. At least the hospital cafe is close to empty - no one has to watch the embarrassment that is Bokuto Kotarou eat like this.
“Then like what, Kenma?” Bokuto asks around a mouthful of cookie.
“Like you need to pity me. And, do you need to eat like a first grader? For fuck’s sake, don’t talk with your mouth full!”
“I know you don’t need pity,” Bokuto says. He ignores the insult. “But I can still give it. And it’s not pity. I’m grieving with you, too.”
“It’s good to see that your appetite didn’t take a hit.”
“Yup! Sure is!”
Kenma narrows his eyes and Bokuto polishes off the cookie with one more massive bite. “You have no sense of humility.”
“The cookie was good.”
“I’m going to kill you.”
“I think we’ve had enough run-ins with death to last us a lifetime.”
Kenma pauses.
“I hope Akaashi bites your dick off, you sniveling weasel.”
-
-
“I’m sorry, I have to what ?”
Kenma stands next to Akaashi, unsure of how to respond.
Akaashi just bites back, “Uh, go back home with Kenma? You’re getting discharged today, you knew that.”
“No, I know that,” Kuroo seethes. “It’s just - why do I need to go back with Kenma? No offence, or anything. But I’m sure I’ll be fine by myself. It’s just a concussion to take care of.”
“What, you forgot him, so now you wanna kick him out? Kuroo, did you forget that you live together?”
“We live together?”
Kuroo looks like he’s going to black out all over again. Kenma just nods, hiding behind Akaashi’s frame.
Bokuto is absolutely no fucking help at all. “Yeah! I mean, you guys were boyfriends so, you know, you moved in together about three years ago?”
“Three years ?”
Bokuto tilts his head. “Oh, do you not remember anything about Kenma at all?”
“Uh, clearly not?” Kuroo takes a step back. “Can’t I just stay with one of you?”
“Even if you do that, you’d have to go home at some point. So no. Besides, be thankful that Kenma hasn’t kicked you out. It’s his lease.” Akaashi folds his arms, as if he’s waiting for more arguments against going back with Kenma.
This is one hell of a day.
“I cleaned out the guest room, Kuroo,” Kenma finally says. He’s seriously starting to get sick of this - plus, he’s cried so much in the past week and a half that he can’t even bring himself to be upset about Kuroo’s words right now. He just wants to go home and maybe bury himself alive under a pile of blankets. “So you wouldn’t even be in the same room as me. It’ll be fine.”
There’s a long silence before Kuroo finally gives up and nods.
“You know we aren’t together, right?” Kuroo gives Kenma a strange look. “Don’t get the wrong idea, okay? I’m just going back with you, but that doesn’t mean I got my feelings back or something.”
“Yeah, I know that.”
Kenma in fact, hadn’t known that.
It should’ve just been assumed from the moment Kuroo woke up and screamed bloody murder about a stranger being in his room to the nurses, but Kenma had still hung onto some tiny little shred of hope like it was a lifeline.
That maybe, Kuroo would be open to the idea of slowly going back to their relationship.
“Okay, just making sure,” Kuroo says warily. Kenma keeps his eyes on the floor. “Thanks, dude.”
“I’ll be waiting in the car.”
Kenma slips out of the room before he hears Akaashi chew Kuroo out one more time.
All the yelling is starting to get annoying at this point.
-
-
Kenma slots his key into the lock and waits for the little click.
Kuroo stands behind him awkwardly, one hand shoved deep into his pocket and the other clutching his duffel bag from the hospital stay like he might get robbed if he doesn’t hold it tighter.
“I have to go back to work once I help you settle in, so text me if you need everything. And let me know if you have any questions.”
Kenma opens the door and leads himself inside, slipping his shoes off tiredly and dumping his briefcase by the coat rack.
“Did we really date?”
Kenma freezes halfway to the living room, knee bent in mid-step.
“I mean, these pictures -” Kuroo says again. Kenma closes his eyes. He forgot to take the anniversary progression photos down. “How far did we go for this joke?”
Kenma turns around and smiles a bit. “You still think this is a joke?”
“I-I mean,” Kuroo looks away like he knows his next words are going to hurt. “I just didn’t know I’d be open to dating guys, you know. It’s not something I can just accept without being a little surprised.”
Kenma shrugs. “Fair enough. I’ll show you your room now or else I’ll be late.”
“We, uh, you don’t need me to talk about this, right? B-because, I think I need a bit more time to process that uh. Like, that we were together. Or something. Before I can talk about it.”
“Well, I’m just showing you to your room for now, so let’s start with that, okay? I don’t really feel like talking about it, either.”
“Okay, okay. Thanks.”
“Sure.”
-
-
“Hey Kenma. I got you your coffee. And uh, any updates on the Kuroo-san situation? Did he remember anything?”
Kenma looks up and takes his mug from Hinata with a silent thanks. “Nah, he didn’t. But you know, I can’t really do anything about that. So.”
“Aw,” Hinata whines, and squeezes his hands against his ears. With a shake of his head, he says, “I keep imagining Kageyama forgetting me like that. I’d be so sad , Kenma! I’m really sorry. You have no idea how much I wanna just punch the memories back inside his head! Except, you know, I think he’s had enough brain trauma for now.”
“It’s okay,” Kenma takes a sip of his coffee. Hinata made it perfectly this time, too. “Honestly. Break ups happen sometimes. It’s a part of life.”
“But they usually don’t happen because someone forgets . God, Kenma, you shouldn’t let him live with you, either! You’re just going to hurt yourself.”
“I’m good at doing that.”
“What did we say about self-deprecating remarks?”
“To not do it.”
“And what just happened?”
“I did it.”
“And so what do we do about it?”
“Take it back.”
“Good,” Hinata says with a smile. “I have to go help Daichi-san with a bug but don’t forget about your meeting later!”
“I won’t. Thank you, Hinata. I mean it.”
“Anytime, Kenma. You know that, right?”
“Right.”
-
-
Kenma’s pissed.
On top of being late for his meeting because of the new guy named Lev dropping an entire cup of tea onto Yaku (who then had to be physically stopped by Kenma so he wouldn’t jump a man twice his height), it’s fucking raining .
The snow on the ground is a slurry beneath Kenma’s feet and he counts the minutes he’s late by as he stomps his way up the building’s lobby. It’s his first time meeting with this specific product planning team and he’s not on time .
Fucking amazing.
“I’m so sorry,” Kenma pants once he reaches the correct conference room. “A whole bunch of s-”
Kenma scrambles for a viable excuse, but nothing comes to mind.
The person who had opened the door for him laughs.
Kenma takes the time to get a good look at who he’s meeting with. First off, the giggling man seems nice enough. His eyes crinkle warmly when he grins and the freckles that dust his face make him pretty in a youthful kind of way. The guy behind him leaning against the table with his hip, on the other hand, has a scowl nailed onto his face like it’s his default setting. His eyes are snarky behind his glasses and the blond hair he sports makes him look bitchier, somehow.
“Oh, don’t even worry about it, Kozume-san! The weather outside is horrible, it can’t be helped sometimes.”
Kenma scruffs his hair back. “Still, I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting. Really, it won’t happen again.”
The blond guy speaks this time. “It’s alright. We’ll get started right away, if that’s alright. I’m Tsukishima Kei. That’s Yamaguchi Tadashi. You’ll be well within our care now, as our company promotes the healthiest, strongest, and friendliest relationships with our clients that we can manage.”
Kenma leans over to Yamaguchi. “How long has he been rehearsing that for?”
Yamaguchi snickers. “Until you got here. It’s our first time running a meeting.”
Tsukishima grunts a bit and crosses his arms, clearly aware that he’s being teased.
Kenma smiles genuinely for the first time in a while.
“Call me Kenma. I’m not a fan of formalities.”
“Sounds good, Koz-” Yamaguchi catches himself. “ Kenma !”
-
-
“You know, I know we promised to stay out of each other’s hair for now, but I’ve got to say. Don’t you think you’re eating too much takeout these days? I mean, I don’t think I’ve seen you eat an actual meal for the last two weeks.”
Kenma looks up from where he’s picking at his fried chicken. It’s not bad. It’s not good, either.
Everything’s bland these days, anyways.
“It’s chicken. It’s healthy.”
“Oh, come on ,” Kuroo rolls his eyes. “You seem to have a busy job, anyways. So you shouldn’t be eating these kinds of things when you have the time to sit down and have a meal.”
Kenma uses his chopsticks to tear a bit of meat off a bone and eats it. “Sorry, Mr. Nine-to-Five. I don’t have the time to cook, so this is what’ll do.”
“What do you do, anyways?”
Kenma tears another piece off. “At a video game designing company thing.”
“So. A programmer?”
“I guess. I run a team so it’s not really the nitty-gritty stuff.”
“That’s - that’s actually kind of impressive.”
“Thanks.”
“Okay, well,” Kuroo claps his hands awkwardly, and Kenma sits there stabbing his chicken leg. “I mean, uh, if you want, I can just start making two portions of breakfast and dinner if you want. I buy lunch, too, or take leftovers so-”
“So you only cook twice a day, once when you wake up because it gets you moving and once when you come home so you can destress.”
Kuroo freezes and so does Kenma.
Damn , Kenma thinks. He told me not to say anything weird.
“R-right,” Kuroo says. “I forgot you knew stuff about me.”
“I’ll just take dinner. I don’t eat breakfast. If you’re still offering.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Nevermind.”
“So. I’ll start tomorrow.”
“Sounds good. Let me know how much I should pay for groceries.”
“Oh,” Kuroo looks a bit surprised. “Um, did we do that before?”
“No. I didn’t cook. Should fifty a month do it? I don’t eat a lot.”
“Y-yeah, that should be enough.”
Kenma cleans up the table and throws the rest of the chicken out.
Kuroo gives him another strange look before disappearing into his (own) bedroom.
-
-
It’s only been two weeks since Kuroo’s return home and Kenma’s cried every night since.
Sometimes, it’s the silent kind where he just lets the tears fall down the sides of his face and onto the pillow underneath his head. It happens when he’s too tired to think , just knows that he feels like shit.
Other times, he sobs into Kuroo’s pillow (the one he used when they shared the bed together) and breathes in the comforting (and now overwhelmingly sentimental) scent of Kuroo’s shampoo that still lingers on the cloth.
Today’s a slow crying kind of night, with Kenma balled up under the sheets like a cat. He tucks his body into a ball, like he’s trying to disappear.
Time moves too slow, and the wound in Kenma’s heart is still raw.
This isn’t fair.
Kuroo was Kenma’s childhood. Was supposed to be his future, too.
And now there’s nothing.
-
-
Kuroo slowly drops his defenses one by one over the course of another week. He no longer jumps when Kenma enters the room he’s in, and doesn’t start to turn into wood whenever their relationship (or what was of it) gets brought up. He asks questions once in a while.
Kenma fucking hates answering them.
“So,” Kuroo swallows a bite of his food and Kenma’s ears perk up from across the table. “I think I’m ready to talk about us.”
“Oh?”
Kenma forces himself to calm down. Obviously, it’s not about getting back together, but the way Kuroo said it - dear god.
False hope is a silent killer.
“Yeah. Um. I guess I’m just curious. I’ve tried to brush it off as a joke, but you know. There’s too much proof to deny it so I guess I’d be willing to listen.”
Kenma can’t help but to snort. He doesn’t know whether he means it to be teasing or mocking. “I showed you our seventh anniversary album and you still thought it was some elaborate photoshoot prank that we came up with to trick people. What tipped you off?”
Kuroo flushes just a tiny bit.
“I mean, I guess I kind of knew from the start that you weren’t lying. Like, yeah, at first , in the hospital I was confused, but once I got my phone back and saw our photos together, like, uh, we were. Um. Our lips happened to be. Touching? In one of them? Like, I guess it was a kiss. Or whatever. But um. I realized that like. At that point, it couldn’t really have been a joke.”
“So?”
“Huh?”
“So, what about it? We were together. And now we aren’t. We’ve been over this a million times. It’s getting old. What about it?”
“Nothing! Nothing’s wrong with it. Now, at least.”
“What do you mean, at least ?”
Kuroo stutters and drops his fork. “I mean, like, you know. You know . I didnt - it’s just that, uh, I-”
“Spit it out.”
“I didn’t think I could date a guy.”
Kenma lets out a short laugh. It’s dry. It’s ugly.
“Guess I never thought of it like that,” Kenma says simply. There’s really not a lot of choices he has to respond with, really. “Is it gross, when you think about it?”
“No! I mean, even based off of the photos I saw, I must’ve really loved you. Which is what every relationship is about. So no, it’s not gross. I just mean, in those pictures, I looked at you like you were my world and when I see you now, I don’t get that feeling. I just feel like shit when I can’t remember because I know you want me to, and I know everyone else wants me to.”
Kenma finds it surprisingly hard to stop himself from leaking out a few tears. Kuroo stays still as Kenma quickly swipes his hand over his face to dry his eyes.
“You know, I don’t need you to remember. How do you think I feel, Kuroo, when I have to hear the person I’ve been in love with for twenty-six years of my stupid life tell me that they don’t love me anymore? You selfish fucker. These past three weeks have been a fucking nightmare for me, and I know for a fact that no one’s pushing us to get back together, especially not me. Congrats on feeling like shit for not remembering, but no one asked you in the first place. Just admit the truth and say that you don’t get how you’ve wasted seven years dating a measly guy , one who looks like a fucking stick and doesn’t have the tits you’re used to. Who can’t even cook. Who plays video games for a living, basically. Who doesn’t like to move around. Really. I’m so sorry you couldn’t wake up to a beautiful wife with a face that kills and a pretty kid.”
“That’s not what I was saying! I just wanted to say how I felt! I’m not asking for you to -”
“Shut up!”
That’s it.
Kenma slams his hands down on the table and shoves his chair back, ignoring the clatter of it banging against the other chair next to it. He hurries his way over to the coat rack, grabs the first jacket he sees, checks his phone for his pocket, and then shoves his shoes on.
“Hey, hey, it’s like midnight right now and freezing, you can’t just walk out because you’re mad! You have work tomorrow!”
“Fucking watch me! ”
Kenma throws the door open.
“Kenma! C’mon, don’t be fucking irrational, just stay inside and we’ll keep talking!”
“Don’t wanna,” Kenma shouts in a sing-songy way. “Turns out, I don’t do well in situations where I have to face the love of my life who doesn’t know who I am. Oops!”
“Do you actually still love me?”
Kenma scoffs and watches as Kuroo slows down in the doorway, clearly scared to cross the metaphorical and physical line leading to Kenma.
“Yeah, sorry that my feelings didn’t die out as soon as yours did. I’m working on it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too.”
-
-
Akaashi asks no questions when a half-frozen Kenma shows up at his doorstep close to two in the morning, but Bokuto sure fucking does.
“God, Kenma, you must be like an icicle right now! Why’d you come over? Not that we don’t want you, but it’s really late. Or is it early? Oh, was it Kuroo? Aw, do you need a hug? You know, I’ve been getting really good at hugging lately? ‘Kaashi said so.”
Kenma keeps Bokuto off of him by swinging his arms wildly.
“Tell your precious ‘Kaashi that he needs to shut the fuck up and you need to stop.”
“This precious ‘Kaashi isn’t letting you crash on our couch without an explanation.”
Kenma looks up and groans. Akaashi stands in the entranceway to the living room, with a piping hot cup of ginger tea in his hands.
“I got into a fight.”
“What did he say?” Akaashi walks over and puts the cup down on the coffee table, and Bokuto immediately calms down in favor of gluing himself to Akaashi’s side.
“You two need to come with a trigger warning,” Kenma gags. Bokuto’s sleeping nuzzling the crook of Akaashi’s neck, which is so beyond unnecessary right now . “And I don’t know. He said he didn’t think he could date a guy so he’s still processing and I blew up. A lot.”
“He’s getting meaner,” Akaashi states like it’s a fact he needs to jot down in his notebook. “I’ll kill him.”
“You know, I’d do it for you, ‘Kaashi.”
Kenma’s going to throw the fucking sofa right on top of Bokuto’s stupid fucking head. His hair is somehow uglier when it’s messy with sleep instead of styling gel.
“Kou, why don’t you set up the spare room for Kenma? I’ll talk to him.”
“Okay!” Bokuto dashes off, probably glad to be of use.
Kenma collapses on the couch and Akaashi’s over at his side in seconds, dragging a throw blanket on top of Kenma’s tired body.
“You think I can stop loving him?”
Akaashi stays quiet for a bit before answering.
“No,” Akaashi whispers after a while. “I really don’t think you can stop loving him. But I do think that you can move on from him. Give it time, and life is going to move on by itself. I mean, it doesn’t stop raining because we cry, right? Eventually, someone else is going to come along and sweep you off of your little kitten paws. And you can fall in love with someone else again. Kuroo will always be a part of you, probably, but I think the type of love you feel for him can change. Don’t hurt yourself too much right now. I know he sucks ass right now, but he’s probably confused. He gets that if he were in your shoes, it would kill him, but he’s not , which is why he can’t help but defend himself.”
Kenma closes his eyes once his lids get too heavy to hold open.
“Sometimes I hug myself, ‘Kaashi. And I pretend that it’s him. But my arms are so thin that it feels worse.”
“Do you want a hug from me?”
“Akaashi?”
“Yes?”
“Do you think Kuroo hated my hugs? Because I never realized how bad they were. His were nice. His arms are big, you know? And his shirts were always so soft. And if I got stressed, I’d just hold my arms out and he’d grab me and pull me in and he just swallowed me up with his shoulders and kept the world away from me and I put my forehead right where his heart was and we breathed together.”
It takes Akaashi a long time to answer.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
Kenma starts to fall asleep.
Me, too .
-
-
Kenma’s jostled awake but he’s still too sleepy to do anything. He realizes after a second that he’s getting picked up off of the couch right now, probably by Bokuto towards the guest room.
He picks up on Bokuto’s voice. “Do you think Kuroo’s going to remember?”
Kenma’s head hits something soft.
“No. I don’t.”
“Why not, ‘Kaashi?”
A soft cover pulls Kenma back into dreamland.
“Because. I’ve seen the way Kuroo looks at Kenma. And that life is gone. He’s changed. I don’t know who he is anymore.”
-
-
It’s Kenma’s fourth day away from home and he really might die if he doesn’t eat something heavy for once, so Kenma picks out a nicer restaurant to order lunch from.
“Takeout again?”
Kenma’s eyes flit up.
“Hey, Yamaguchi. And uh. Yeah. But it’s from a nice onigiri place this time so it’s healthy. Probably.”
“You need to start eating better, Kenma!”
Kenma shrugs and offers Yamaguchi a noncommittal hum.
“You’re evil,” Yamaguchi sticks his tongue out and Kenma laughs for real this time. “But I have to go so I’ll have to take care of evil another day. Make sure to read over the demographics study I sent you!”
Kenma waves him off with a simple nod and cracks his fingers.
His makeshift office set up in the product planning company’s building is pretty small, so there’s not a lot of room to stretch his legs.
Maybe he’ll take a walk after lunch.
-
-
Kuroo: Kenma. You should come back today. I know it hasn’t been long but let’s both cool down and try talking again. I think it’s important to air everything out if we’re going to live together for the time being.
Kenma: fine.
Kenma: but this isn’t for u. i ran out of underwear in the pack i bought and bokuto said he’d give me a pair of his. that’s the only reason im coming back home.
Kuroo: ha ha. Sounds like him.
Kuroo: Actually, on second thought? I don’t buy it. I’m picking you up today from work so stay put or else.
Kenma: no thanks.
Kuroo: Too late. Bo sent me the address.
Kenma: fuck.
-
-
As promised, Kuroo shows up in his utter glory (fuck the gods for making Kuroo the literal definition of perfection in a three piece suit) and Kenma finds him waiting in the lobby of the building.
Maybe if Kenma hides, Kuroo won’t see.
He’s about to make a run for the side exit when Kuroo calls his name out.
People stare.
Kenma doesn’t blame them, but still. He kind of wants the ground to swallow him whole right now.
“Kenma!” Kuroo says almost anxiously, like maybe he’s looking at a hallucination. “Hey. Long time no see.”
“Can it, you fucker,” Kenma growls. He holds his briefcase up to his chest and prays that the prying eyes from the ladies around them will go away. “Let’s hurry up already.”
“Okay! The car’s in the parking gara-”
“Kenma!”
Kenma turns around when he hears his name getting called. Again. Kuroo looks up, too.
“Oh, h-hey, Yamaguchi!”
Yamaguchi smiles and takes Kenma’s free hand - the one balled up at his side and not holding onto the briefcase. “Kenma, I got an idea!”
“Is it about the bug in the demonstration video? Because I-”
“No, no, not about work! I-I mean, uh, I’ve been thinking about your lunches and it’s really bothering me. Like, Tsukki doesn’t eat a lot either but at least he has homemade food pretty often, you know? So um, if you don’t mind, could I make you a bento lunch on the days you come in? I know it’s only three times a week, but it’s still better than eating takeout every day. I really want to do it, so please say yes!”
Kenma feels his breath hitch for some reason.
“I, u-uh, um,” Kenma licks his lips. They feel inexplicably dry right now. “I think that’s a bit too much, Yamaguchi! I mean, a whole meal?”
“Please? It’s really not a big deal, I swear! And, um,” Yamaguchi lets go of Kenma’s hand and immediately starts to redden. “I kind of like talking to you, so it would give me another excuse to start a conversation. So please?”
Kenma might explode right now.
“I’d like that.”
Yamaguchi smiles. “Really?”
Kenma nods. “Really. Thank you, Yamaguchi, I mean it. Thank you.”
“Uh, no problem! Um, Tsukki’s waiting for me right now, but uh, you don’t mind if I text you, right? About um, non-work related things?”
“Please do.”
“I’ll talk to you later, then! See you tomorrow, Kenma!”
Yamaguchi runs off with one last wave and Kenma stares at the hand that had been held a bit incredulously.
“So. You and Freckles, huh?”
Kenma gives Kuroo a look. “What, was I supposed to pine after you forever? Consider this me officially stating that I’m moving on from you. He seems nicer, anyways.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
“Why, is there something wrong with me getting over you?”
“No,” Kuroo grumbles. “Just seems kind of fast.”
“You take that back right now.”
“Wh-what?”
“You’re the one who literally looks like he wants to throw himself off a building when our history gets brought up, and now you’re saying I’m trying to move on too fast?”
“No!”
“Then take it back.”
“Fine, fine! I take it back, I take it back. He seems nice.”
“Can’t wait to try his food. It’s probably better than yours.”
Kuroo clicks his tongue and angrily shoves the door leading outside wide open.
“No way.”
-
-
November passes quickly, and Kenma gets used to his “new” life.
Once Kenma starts regularly talking to Yamaguchi outside of work, it’s like a switch gets flipped.
Kuroo no longer avoids Kenma like the plague. When they’re in the same room, Kuroo doesn’t make it a point to move away. He even sits on the couch even if Kenma’s there, and doesn’t jump when they accidentally brush against each other while walking past one another in the hallway.
Kenma suspects it’s the idea that Kuroo no longer has to worry about Kenma liking him now that Yamaguchi’s in the picture.
It’s not ideal, but Kenma’s not going to be the one to kick a gift horse in the mouth.
“Kenma!”
Kenma puts down the last of the dishes and slides the rubber gloves off of his hands. “Yeah?”
“Hurry up, you’re going to miss the documentary special! It’s about the savannah today.”
Watching nature specials has become a Friday night thing now. (That’s right folks, they have a thing to do together now.)
“Okay, okay,” Kenma grabs his phone off the counter and hurries on over to the couch. Kuroo moves his legs over to make room, and Kenma throws himself down with a grunt.
“I can turn it on now, right?”
“Sure, unless you wanna just imagine today’s episode.”
“You’re getting snappier with me.”
“I’ve always been like this. You just do-”
“Don’t remember, don’t remember. I get it.”
Kenma rolls his eyes and shoves his hands into his pockets, brushing Kuroo’s words off with a shrug. “Turn the damn TV on already.”
“You know, I think I liked you better when you were still scared around me.”
“Sucks to suck, I guess.”
Kuroo laughs and turns the episode on.
They’re about twenty minutes left when Kenma’s phone vibrates with a text.
Yamaguchi: Kenma, are you free next Friday?
Yamaguchi: I know we agreed to take this slow, so I was thinking, I could bring Tsukki and you could bring your friend Kuroo?
Kenma: kuroo?
Yamaguchi: Or anyone! Just, we could hang out and keep it casual if it doesn’t work out, but if it does, we can just let them go themselves?
Yamaguchi: But we don’t have to, tho! Whatever you want to do is okay with me :)
Kenma: hes probably gonna say yes.
Kenma: if he doesnt, im okay w hanging out alone.
Kenma: we arent kids, so.
Yamaguchi: Really? That sounds good! Let me know what he says
Kenma: ill text you later.
Yamaguchi: Can’t wait!
Kenma: me neither :)
“Is it Yamaguchi?”
Kuroo’s tone is unreadable.
Kenma drops his phone and goes back to the TV. The documentary is in the middle of panning across some random scene of the savannah with lions in the background. “Yeah.”
“Cool. How’s it going with him?”
“Uh, actually,” Kenma pauses to gather his thoughts. “Do you mind tagging along with us next Friday? He’s bringing his friend, Tsukishima. Um. It’s just that, we don’t wanna jump into a date right away, so. I mean, if you don’t, I’ll just bring Hinata or something, so, don’t feel like you have to.”
“But Friday’s our docu -” Kuroo drops his shoulders and Kenma tilts his head in confusion. “Uh, nevermind. Yeah. I’ll go.”
Kenma blinks. “Really? You would?”
“Yeah, so just let me know the time and place. Or. We could just go down together if it’s a group thing.”
“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’ll send you whatever needs to be known by tomorrow.”
“Can’t wait to meet this Tsukishima guy.”
“I’m sure you two would get along.”
-
-
“Kenma! O-over here!”
Kenma nods at the waitress leading him and Kuroo into the restaurant, and Kenma waves when he sees Yamaguchi’s face pop up behind a curtain. Kuroo follows Kenma silently as they go to their booth, and Yamaguchi’s already beaming from ear to ear by the time Kenma sits.
“Hi,” Kenma says a bit more shyly than he’d expect of himself.
It’s been seven years since his last first date, so.
He gets to get some slack cut for him.
“Hi,” Yamaguchi breathes out gently. His cheeks are a bit flushed, making his freckles stand out a bit more. Kenma doesn’t miss the way Tsukishima refuses to meet his eyes. “We haven’t ordered yet, so look at the menu first and then we can talk about stuff!”
Kuroo takes his own seat next to Kuroo (across from Tsukishima, who’s next to Yamaguchi) and bows his head a bit. “Uh, hey. I’m the friend. Kuroo Tetsurou.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Kuroo-san! I’m Yamaguchi, and this is Tsukishima! It’s really nice to meet you.”
Tsukishima clicks his tongue. “Yeah. Hi.”
Kuroo raises a brow. “Someone’s happy to be here today.”
Tsukishima smiles thinly.
“I just slept late last night. Sorry.”
“I wasn’t saying anything,” Kuroo says with a little amusement in his voice.
Kenma’s stomach rolls when he realizes that Kuroo’s actually looking at Tsukishima with some certain level of interest. In what way, Kenma doesn’t know, but it can’t be good.
It’s like he’s a cat who’s ready to pounce on a new toy.
“We’ll leave them to talk,” Yamaguchi stage-whispers, giggling when Tsukishima rolls his eyes and snaps his chopsticks open. “How’s it going, Kenma? You were talking about a documentary you watched last week?”
Kenma nods and browses the menu. Everything looks great - Yamaguchi chose well. “Uh, to be honest, I was texting you so I didn’t pay attention. Lions? Maybe?”
Kuroo nudges Kenma’s side with an elbow. “It was about the savannah. He just looked up at the part where the narrator was talking about the predators.”
“O-oh,” Yamaguchi treads. “You watched it together?”
“It’s not like that, Yamaguchi,” Kenma puts down his menu once he decides on his meal. Ramen it is. “We’re roommates.”
“Yeah,” Kuroo taps the table with his finger. “We were actually boyfriends, apparently. I got into an accident and forgot everything so we had to break up. It’s all good now.”
Kenma wants to sink his teeth into Kuroo’s throat and rip his larynx out.
Really, Kuroo? Read the fucking room, for fuck’s sake!
Tsukishima snorts at Yamaguchi’s dumbfounded expression. “Fuck, I didn’t know that could happen outside of movies.”
“Isn’t that hard?” Yamaguchi looks concerned. “I didn’t ask you out at a bad time, did I?”
Kenma shakes his head. “No, of course not. Honestly, we were, uh, struggling a lot before it ended anyways. It was just time to move on. And I am.”
Yamaguchi puts his chin on his hand and smiles. “I’m not just a rebound, right?”
His tone is joking but Kenma can hear the anxiety.
“Of course not,” he reassures. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t ready.”
Yamaguchi breathes out. “That’s - okay. I trust you. I’m sorry, though. It must’ve been hard, either way.”
Kenma shrugs. “This is getting pretty heavy for a dinner conversation. We should just move on. Ignore Kuroo, okay? He’s just still banged up from the fall - he doesn’t think before he talks.”
Yamaguchi nods dutifully and everyone takes the hint that they should shut the fuck up about the accident and just change the conversation.
Kuroo brings up lions again.
-
-
The restaurant date ends with Yamaguchi and Kenma leaving separately.
Kuroo and Tsukishima wave them off at the front of the restaurant, and Yamaguchi slowly takes Kenma’s hand in his own.
Kenma doesn’t pull away.
He’s missed the feeling of someone else holding him.
“Do you want to go anywhere in particular?”
Kenma shakes his head with a little grin and buries his nose into his scarf. “Wanna just walk around? The city lights are so pretty right now.”
Yamaguchi laughs and pulls Kenma just the tiniest bit closer into his side. “I’d love that.”
-
-
The night ends with a simple kiss.
It’s warm.
It’s comfortable.
Kuroo opens the door the moment Yamaguchi leans away, and then silently walks back inside when Kenma bursts out laughing at the look of surprise on Kuroo’s face.
Yamaguchi finds it funny, too.
-
-
“I just need to say two things.”
Kenma peers over the top of his mug and squints. “It’s barely eight in the morning and you already have demands? Know your audience.”
Kuroo crosses his arms and Kenma forces himself to stop tracing the way Kuroo’s unruly, before-ten-o’clock hair flows around him like a messy halo.
“It’s important.”
Kenma sets the mug down and drops his phone. “Fine.”
“You really kissed a guy yesterday, you know.”
Kenma feigns shock. “Oh dear god , really? Y-your telling me, th-that Yamaguchi is a man ? With, man parts , and a man brain ? Oh, woe is me!”
Kuroo narrows his eyes. “I wasn’t kidding.”
“Uh, I wasn’t either. What’s wrong with me kissing the guy I went out on a date on?”
Kuroo shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess all I’m saying is you just. You really like guys.”
Kenma smirks. “What, does it bother you that we did more and you can’t remember? Is it disgusting? Repulsive? Ready to move out now?”
“No! God, I don’t even know why I bring these topics up. I was just surprised. I dunno. Just ignore it.”
“Jesus fucking christ , Kuroo. You can’t freak out every single time I bring up guys. Or when you do, actually. If it’s that fucking wierd to you, move out or something.”
“I didn’t mean it like that!” Kuroo snaps. “Whatever, I said drop it.”
“Okay, weirdo?”
“A-and, second thing?”
“What’s it now?”
“You know that Tsukishima is in love with him, right?”
Kenma pauses.
He picks his phone back up.
“Yeah. Who wouldn’t?”
-
-
It’s obvious to anyone who pays even a single shred of attention to the outside world that Tsukishima Kei is absolutely, head-over-heels in love with Yamaguchi Tadashi.
But Kenma thinks it’s okay to be selfish once in a while.
He can’t have Kuroo.
And this doesn’t count as settling for Yamaguchi, either.
So.
Until something breaks, Kenma’s going to keep pushing.
It’s probably the only way he can survive, he reckons.
-
-
Yamaguchi is strangely pissed all day.
He’s a quiet seether, though, so Kenma doesn’t really pick up on it until Yamaguchi slams the copier tray back in a bit too hard.
The second sign is when Tsukishima tries to give Yamaguchi a donut and Yamaguchi just turns around in silence, refusing to acknowledge both the man and treat.
Stupid move, Kenma thinks. If you’re going to be mad at him, at least get a donut out of it .
The third time is when Yamaguchi directly comes up to Kenma and asks, “Can I rant to you?” and then pulls the both of them into a closed conference room. It’s pretty hard to ignore by then.
“What’s up?” Kenma perches himself on the edge of the table and waits for Yamaguchi to stop flushing.
“Did you know?”
“Know?”
“Did you know ?”
“ Know ?”
“Ugh!” Yamaguchi stomps his foot on the floor and runs a hand roughly through his hair. “So Kuroo-san didn’t tell you either, huh? Those sneaky bastards, ugh !”
Yamaguchi’s scream tears through the room with an echo and Kenma stays still for a second.
“I’m just going to need a bit more context for this conversation, Yams.”
“Kuroo and Tsukki! Did you know? That they’re, what, a thing now?”
Kenma laughs.
He has to.
“ Huh? ” Kenma bubbles. “Uh, what the hell are you talking about?”
“I know, right? How could they!” Yamaguchi starts pacing wildly back and forth and Kenma gets dizzy with how fast he’s trying to watch Yamaguchi flit back and forth. “I mean, we’ve barely been seeing each other for like, three weeks now and what, they’re a thing all of a sudden? What kind of plot twist is that? Why wouldn’t Tsukki tell me, or Kuroo-san tell you?”
Kenma holds his hands out and forces Yamaguchi to stop moving. “Okay, I’m really not following. What do you mean, they’re a thing ?”
“I mean ,” Yamaguchi spits out. “I mean that Tsukki said he was sick yesterday night so I thought I’d be a decent friend and bring him some soup, except when I opened the door, he was on top of Kuroo kissing him! I freaked out, obviously, and asked how long this was going on and they said about a week after we started going out or whatever. But why would they keep that from us? I mean, what, are we not trustworthy ? Why is he sneaking around?”
Kenma feels out of breath all of a sudden. Like he’s just run ten laps around a track.
Kuroo.
Kissing.
Tsukishima.
Kuroo kissing a man .
Kuroo kissing a man and that man being Tsukishima .
Tsukishima, who’s so clearly in love with Yamaguchi it’s sad but Kenma’s being selfish for now until something breaks.
This is the break, probably.
“Merry Christmas,” Kenma mutters. “This is a great holiday surprise, don’t you think?”
“What are you talking about?” Yamaguchi huffs. “Aren’t you mad, too? I mean, your ex is fooling around with my best friend and they’ve kept it from us!”
Kenma sighs.
God.
He’s going to cry at home tonight, that’s for sure.
“Yamaguchi,” Kenma starts. His voice is too slow to be normal and Yamaguchi trembles like he knows he’s going to get asked something bad. “Why are you so mad?”
“H-huh?”
Kenma smiles. He can feel that it’s sad, but it’s somehow real.
“You’re getting irrationally mad at Tsukishima for this. If they both wanted it, they could both do it. Technically, they aren’t doing anything wrong. So, why are you getting mad? Is it because you feel betrayed?”
“B-betrayed? I-I mean, yeah! H-he, I don’t know, he should’ve told me! Wh-why aren’t you mad, though? I mean, I would be. I am.”
Kenma tightens his cardigan around his shoulders and hops off the table.
He presses a gentle kiss into Yamaguchi’s cheek.
“Tsukishima’s in love with you.”
“Ke-”
“And you love him, too.”
“B-”
“I’ll be okay, Yamaguchi. But I’ll talk to Kuroo and have him end whatever it is between him and Tsukishuma. He’ll know. We all do. Just take it slow with Tsukishima, okay? Give the man some credit. He’s been pining after you since god knows when and he’s upset that he lost you. So go find him.”
“Y-you’re,” Yamaguchi sniffles and Kenma pats his shoulder. “You’re wrong.”
Yamaguchi’s watering eyes don’t lie.
Kenma tilts his head. “You know I’m not.”
“But you-”
“But nothing. C’mon. I knew from the start that I wouldn’t win. Just didn’t know it would be over this quick. I’ll miss your lunches, but I’ll survive somehow.”
“When the project ends, can we still be friends?”
Kenma opens the conference room door.
“Of course.”
“I really liked you, Kenma. You know that, right? I really did. I do. It’s just that -”
“It’s just that I know , Yamaguchi. I know what you mean. So don’t feel bad, okay? Like I said. Just take it slow.”
“This feels wrong.”
“It’s not.”
“It is.”
“Yamaguchi,” Kenma gives him one last wave. “It’s not.”
-
-
“Why aren’t you eating?”
Kuroo waves his spoon around and points to Kenma’s untouched miso soup and rice. Today’s dinner is just breakfast leftovers, since Kuroo was late to come home today.
Kenma blinks and picks up his chopsticks.
“You and Tsukishima, huh?”
Kuroo freezes.
“How’d you find out?”
“Yamaguchi, obviously. Told me how he caught you two together.”
“Oh.”
“Wanna explain? Or should I just pretend like nothing happened?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“So you aren’t mad?”
“Last time I checked, we aren’t together. So I have no right to be.”
“I just got curious, Kenma. I kept thinking about us. And me. In the past. I mean, if I could be with you, I thought, maybe I could be with other guys or something. And Tsukishima contacted me first. We went out for drinks once and he told me all about his crush on Yamaguchi and how he hated himself for not confessing first. And then I told him about how I dated a guy even though I don’t see myself being attracted to them. And then he got flirty and we just. It just happened. I don’t know. I’m still thinking about it. Well, not about. It . But like. The general specifics. Or something like that.”
Kenma prods at his rice and eats exactly one grain, sheerly out of the fact that he doesn’t know what kind of expression he should be wearing right now.
The silence is deafening until Kenma answers.
“How was it? With a guy.”
“Different.”
“Good or bad?”
“It didn’t suck.”
“Did you do more than kiss?”
“No.”
“Could you do it with me?”
Kenma closes his eyes.
He didn’t mean to ask that.
Kuroo exhales sharply.
“No.”
Kenma bites the inside of his cheek and just slowly nods, pushing his chopsticks into the rice in front of him.
“I was right, you know.”
Kuroo’s voice is quiet. “About?”
Kenma stands up and brings his full bowl of rice and little thing of soup over to the sink. He just sets them down, since they can just be reheated tomorrow or something instead of tossed.
“Yamaguchi’s food tastes better than yours.”
-
-
Christmas comes.
Kenma gets Kuroo a new set of documentaries and a lion keychain.
Kuroo gets Kenma a gigantic stuffed animal in the shape of a black cat.
Last year, Kuroo gave Kenma a promise ring.
Last year, Kenma gave Kuroo a vow.
-
-
“Okay, that’s it.”
Bokuto slams a fist down onto the table and Akaashi jumps at the noise. Kenma tsks and glares until Bokuto apologizes.
Kuroo leans back on his elbows and doesn’t take his eyes off the TV. Again with the stupid documentaries. “You good?”
“No, I am not good ,” Bokuto whines. “C’mon, guys, we always hang out inside! Can’t we go out, be normal twenty-something year old guys, go to the park or something? Watch the kids on the playground? They’re cute, right?”
Kenma inhales and chokes on the sharp edge of a chip he just chewed. “Fuck, dude, I’d reword that if I were you. And uh. Why the kids?”
Bokuto shrugs. “I don’t know, don’t they remind you of youth and stuff? Like, I wanna be able to run around on a playground without getting judged sometimes, too.”
Akaashi and Kenma share a look of relief.
That’s certainly better than potential predator as a reason.
Kuroo turns around, finally, but not before pausing the screen. “What do you have in mind? Besides hunting down children in family-infested areas. Preferably.”
“Bar!” Bokuto hooks his chin on Akaashi’s shoulder and pleads with his best puppy-dog eyes. “C’mon, ‘Kaashi, don’t you wanna go out for drinks and have fun? It’s been a while! We haven’t gone since Kuroo’s accident!”
Bokuto has no fucking filter at all today, it seems.
Kuroo frowns. “Dude, really?”
“Oops. Sorry.”
Bokuto doesn’t sound sorry at all.
“I’m down,” Kenma says as he eats another chip.
“Really?” Akaashi quirks a brow and Kenma flips him off. “What’s gotten into you all of a sudden, Kenma? You don’t like crowds.”
“I don’t like crowds, but I like hot guys,” Kenma smiles as sleazily as he can and flips Akaashi off right back. “Maybe I’ll get lucky or something.”
Akaashi laughs. “Alright. We need to have a shot rematch, anyways.”
“I’ll beat you like I did last time, loser. Bring it on.”
“Fuck off.”
“Sounds fun, I’m also in,” Kuroo says. He goes back to the documentary. “I’ll be the designated driver. I don’t really trust Kenma or Bokuto to uh - get us back in one piece.”
“Hey, I’m good too, you know!” Akaashi looks upset at the implication that his driving skills may be subpar compared to Kuroo’s. In all honesty, Akaashi’s good at everything , so it’s not really a fair comparison.
Kuroo scoffs. “Uh, you just challenged Kenma to a drinking match , I wouldn’t be so desperate to look like Mr. Perfect right now?”
Bokuto giggles and kisses Akaashi’s cheek. “He’s always Mr. Perfect.”
Kuroo gags and Kenma throws a handful of crackers right into Bokuto’s stupid fucking face.
-
-
Kenma, to put it simply, is plastered.
Not enough to be a disaster, but enough to feel floaty .
“K-Kenma,” Bokuto says worriedly. “You have bad drunk-person habits. Slow down.”
Kenma downs another shot of whatever it is Akaashi just handed to him and counts it as his fifth one. “N-no, you! ”
Kuroo sips his soda. “Why, what does he do when he gets drunk?”
Kenma slides off the barstool and starts scanning the floor.
Today’s water is fine .
“Uh, he gets -” Bokuto’s careful to finish off his first drink. A margarita. Baby. Who the fuck orders a margarita during happy hour? “Flirty? Just - keep an eye on him, okay?”
Kenma’s already too far gone to see Kuroo’s reaction.
All he does see, though, is a hot guy. In front of him. Holding a hand out.
Kenma wonders why and he realizes that he’s falling.
“Oh,” Kenma mumbles as his face hits a (rock hard) chest. “S-sorry about that.”
“Aw, well, too bad. I’m not.”
Kenma looks up and nearly dies.
Wow.
Wow .
An angel ?
The angel laughs. “No, not an angel. Just a regular old human.”
Kenma slaps his mouth and keeps his gaze on the other man’s face. His features are handsome - greyish brown eyes slumped in a perpetual expression of drowsiness, but when he smiles, they look like they’re teasing, wide shoulders, and a sharply set jaw.
“Did I say that out loud?” Kenma giggles. “Oops.”
“Do you wanna go sit down?” The man doesn’t let go of Kenma’s wrist, but lowers his grip so they can look at each other better. “I think you’re gonna be pretty interesting.”
Kenma feels his smile split his face.
“Y-yeah.”
“C’mon. I’ll get you water.”
-
-
Kenma gets drunk fast, but sobers up fast, too.
By the time he’s downed his glass of water, he’s already cleared his head a bit and can actually focus on one thing at a time.
Right now, the one thing is the hand interlocked with his own.
“So,” the man says with a low grin. “What’s your name? I’m Miya. Osamu.”
“Miya Osamu,” Kenma repeats. “I’m Kozume. I like Kenma, better.”
“Then call me Osamu, too.”
“Osamu,” Kenma grins when the name rolls off his tongue. “I like the way it sounds.”
“And I like the way you sound when you say it,” Osamu laughs and gives Kenma’s hand a little squeeze. “So, why’d you come here today? Friends? Party? Work?”
“Friends,” Kenma says. “Except they got boring so I had to leave. What about you?”
“Same here,” Osamu’s voice just glides over Kenma’s ears like butter. “Came with some friends but I think I found better company.”
The space in between them seems to shrink, somehow, and Kenma leans in on purpose.
Osamu takes the hint and does the same.
“You should be illegal,” Osamu mutters. “Fuck.”
Kenma slips his hand out of Osamu’s grasp and smiles. “If you wanna.”
“You just keep going, huh?”
“Yup. Let me know when to stop.”
They’re this close right now, with their noses almost touching.
Kenma’s about to lean in when a sharp hold on his shoulder yanks him back so hard he nearly flies off the chair.
“Hey, what the fuck?” Kenma snaps, shoving himself around to see who it was. “ Kuroo ?”
“Surprised you’re coherent enough to remember,” Kuroo drawls. “We’re leaving.”
“Hey, I think you should leave us alone,” Osamu says quietly. “We were just about to have fun.”
“Yeah, who the fuck invited you?” Kenma tries to tear himself out of Kuroo’s shoulder grip but can’t. “Let go , you fucker!”
“No,” Kuroo’s voice is tight. “We’re leaving. Now. Don’t even think about fighting me on this one.”
“Kuroo!” Kenma roars, but it’s probably comparable to a whisper with how loud the bar is. “Let go !”
“ No! ” Kuroo pulls Kenma off the stool. “If you don’t stop fighting, I’m picking you and carrying you out!”
“What are you, his dad?” Osamu snorts. “I don’t remember inviting a third party. Audiences really aren’t my thing.”
“Not his dad,” Kuroo growls. “ Boyfriend .”
Kenma shoves Kuroo’s chest to no avail. He’s not strong enough (or sober enough) to do much with his arms. “Don’t listen to him -”
“Okay, that’s it.”
Kuroo keeps his promise and throws Kenma’s body over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
The nausea from being tossed around hits and Kenma can’t fight back out of the hold.
He just clings on tight, trying not to sway enough to fall off.
That would hurt a lot, he thinks.
Fuck.
This little fucker .
I’m going to kill him.
-
-
Turns out, Kenma’s not as clear-headed as he thought.
His plan had been to chew Kuroo out the second they got into his car, but Kuroo had peeled out of the parking lot so fast that all Kenma could do was just not throw up all over himself.
The ride home had been as quiet as expected, but Kenma wasn’t planning on shutting up the moment they reached the house.
“Care to explain yourself?” Kenma shouts. “What the fuck was that? Why did you interrupt me, I was having fun with someone!”
“You were drunk!” Kuroo screams back, arms flailing about like his reason is the only one that makes sense. “You can flirt or whatever, but you shouldn’t be doing things drunk like that!”
“I wasn’t drum- k ,” Kenma stutters. “It’s perfectly fine.”
“Sure. You can’t even pronounce the word drunk but yeah. You’re fine.”
“Whatever, Kuroo, it still wasn't - uh, wasn’t ,” Kenma stumbles over his words again. “Your place. Just stay out of it. All of it.”
“Sorry for keeping you safe, is that what you want me to say? God, Kenma, you need to be responsible! He could’ve been a bad person, you know! And then who’d save you? Because it certainly isn’t you or your puny fucking arms, is it?”
Kenma purses his lips together when he feels the sudden heat of tears slipping down his face.
“ Fuck you ,” Kenma bites.
“ Excuse me?”
“I said,” Kenma balls his fists up and wipes off his tears, embarrassed with how he’s the only one seemingly emotional right now. “ Fuck you .”
-
-
Kuroo’s POV
-
-
“Kenma, we’ll talk in the morning when you can actually think straight. I’m going to clean you and you’re going to sleep this shit off. God. I should’ve stopped you after you stole Bokuto’s drink off the table.”
Kuroo watches as Kenma shakes his head stubbornly, and wonders if it’s another drunk habit for him to regress into a literal five-year old when pumped to the top of his head with alcohol.
“No,” Kenma crosses his arms and turns around, but doesn’t walk off. “Don’t wanna.”
“The fuck is with you,” Kuroo grumbles. He walks up to Kenma and takes his elbow. “C’mon. We’re getting you into bed.”
“I don’t want you in,” Kenma pauses to hiccup and sniffles. “Stay out of my r-room. M-my room. It’s my room.”
“It is your room.”
“You can’t go in.”
“Well, too bad. You need to get changed.”
“Can change myself,” Kenma struggles against Kuroo’s grip and Kuroo just rolls his eyes. His scratches barely feel like anything. “Don’t wanna. Stay out.”
“How are you getting drunker?”
Kenma starts howling incomprehensible complaints when Kuroo pushes the bedroom door open.
“ Oh ,” Kuroo breathes out.
He suddenly realizes why Kenma didn’t want him in.
The room is basically like a living memory box for the two of them.
Random photos, ticket stubs, date memos, letters, and scraps of notes line the walls.
This must’ve been their shared bedroom.
It’s Kuroo’s first time seeing the inside of it.
The man next to Kenma in all of them - smiling, laughing, kissing him, hugging him -
That’s me , Kuroo tells himself. This is me, except it’s not because I’m not him anymore .
Kenma cries harder and tries to shove Kuroo out the door. “Stay out!”
“You need to clean yourself up and change.”
“I’ll do it myself, get out!” Kenma slams a desperate fist on Kuroo’s chest but all he’s doing is just staring at the trio of photos hung on the door.
It's them as children.
The first square holds a photo of them tossing a volleyball between themselves, with Kuroo smiling excitedly and Kenma slightly frowning as the ball gets closer to him.
The second one is of them in front of a school, with Kenma’s eyes unfocused and Kuroo smiling right into the camera, sporting a proud grin and missing tooth.
The third one of them clearly at his own graduation ceremony. Kenma’s smiling but his lip is in the middle of quivering, and Kuroo has an excited arm thrown around Kenma’s shoulders. His cap is about to slip off, but he’s still holding his diploma up high with his free hand.
It fucking stings.
That he can’t remember any of this.
Kenma punches him again and Kuroo stumbles backwards.
“Get. Out .”
Kuroo looks down and meets Kenma’s wild eyes, red with tears and cheeks stained with an angry pink blush.
“You didn’t take these down?”
Kenma just gives up and collapses onto the floor. He’s sobbing roughly, shoulders wrakcking up and down.
Kuroo slowly lowers himself to meet Kenma’s level.
“I fucking hate this,” Kenma cries. Kuroo feels bad for not getting what he means. “I can’t. I can’t. How? I can’t throw them out. They’re mine. Ours. Mine, now. All mine. Nothing left to share.”
“Let’s just get you into bed for now,” Kuroo murmurs. He pulls Kenma into him, and picks up Kenma. He’s gentler than before this time - careful to not hurt Kenma further.
He’s done enough damage.
“I hate you,” Kenma whispers. Kuroo just brings him to the bed and lowers him onto the mattress, before dragging some sheets on top of him. He can afford to skip his nighttime routine just this once. “Hate you.”
“I know,” Kuroo says. He pushes the sweaty hair off of Kenma’s forehead and watches him cry unevenly, struggling to sob properly on his back. “You know I’m sorry.”
“Fucking hate it,” Kenma says. He sniffles again. “I said I’d stop loving you. Everyone says I can stop. But I can’t. I can’t. It hurts to stop. I don’t wanna.”
“You’re just drunk.”
“You shouldn't have -” Kenma hiccups again and Kuroo keeps a single finger resting on top of Kenma’s cheek. It’s surprisingly soft. “- stopped me today. I could’ve just gone with him.”
“I know.”
“I want him back.”
“It wouldn’t have worked out.”
“It could’ve. I wanna start with someone. I wanna be someone’s.”
“You will be.”
“I wanna be yours .”
Kuroo draws his finger back and Kenma blinks, refusing to break eye contact with Kuroo. His cheeks look so round right now, with the blanket tucked around his face to make it look squishier.
“You know I can’t.”
“I love you.”
“You won’t, soon. Someone is going to find you one day.”
“Y-you called yourself my boyfriend,” Kenma turns his head to the side and stares off into space. “Liked it. I liked it. Pretended it was true. But issnot . Love you.”
“You’re still drunk. Go to bed.”
“I love you.”
“Goodnight, Kenma.”
“Wish I forgot instead.”
“I’ll wake you up in the morning.”
“Hurts. My heart hurts. I love you so much and now you don’t love me back but I still love you, you know. It all hurts.”
Kuroo takes one last look at the photos on the door and shakes his head even though Kenma can’t see him.
There’s really nothing he can say.
“Sleep it off.”
-
-
Kenma doesn’t remember anything about the bar or their “conversation” at home when he wakes up.
Kuroo doesn’t say anything.
-
-
Kenma’s POV
-
-
Six months come and go with a blink of an eye.
Kuroo is there permanently, now, and Kenma can’t help but hurt every single day.
He needs to get out of here before he loses his mind.
Sometimes when it gets too hard, he opens up the last drawer and moves the shirts around until he finds the ring box.
Always checks inside.
Always sees two bands.
One’s larger than the other.
Kenma has thin fingers.
He had gotten Kuroo’s promise ring the day he got called into the hospital - no metal allowed inside the MRI rooms.
He had planned on putting it back on Kuroo’s finger the moment he woke up.
It hadn’t gone as planned.
Kenma makes sure his fingers are still thin.
It’ll still fit, one day.
Maybe.
-
-
Kuroo’s POV
-
-
Something changes between the two of them, and Kuroo can’t place it.
It really might just be him overthinking things, but still -
There’s something .
Kuroo finds himself thinking about Kenma more often than not in his free time. He pretends it’s because they’re roommates - obviously, he’d worry about Kenma once in a while.
What starts off as pure concern starts to change, though.
Kenma’s no longer ignorable.
Kuroo has to admit that Kenma’s pretty - even for a guy, he’s just different . Maybe it’s the small build or long hair, but Kuroo won’t deny that Kenma’s not boring to look at.
Kuroo thinks of Kenma’s laugh. It’s rare, but when he does deem something funny enough worthy of his joy, he lets out a little, delighted giggle that bounces around in Kuroo’s head for hours.
Kuroo likes the fact that Kenma hums nonsensical tunes while doing the dishes. He never follows any recognizable song or pattern of notes - more like, just randomly sings out whatever pitch he feels like in the moment - but it’s endearing to watch him have fun while doing a chore.
Kuroo appreciates the way Kenma watches a documentary with him every Friday night, no matter how tired he is. Sometimes he’ll fall asleep by the end, and Kuroo carefully tucks him into the couch because going into Kenma’s room is still a bit scary. But Kenma tries.
Kuroo is surprised at the amount of dedication Kenma puts into his work. He works all night sometimes, evident by the lamplight that never seems to leave the crack underneath his bedroom door. He sometimes knocks and leaves a cup of tea on the floor so Kenma won’t die of a lack of refreshment.
Whatever it is, Kuroo doesn’t hate it.
In fact, it’s terrifying how not scared Kuroo is.
He had never considered what it would’ve been like if he hadn’t broken up with Kenma right before they left the hospital.
Would those smiles be more frequent?
Would those laughs be more bright?
Would those nose scrunches be more cute?
Kuroo worries a lot.
It’s a twisted path he’s falling down right now -
And it’s absolutely frightening how not scared he is.
-
-
There’s a final straw for Kuroo -
The thing that convinces him that what he feels for Kenma is no longer just polite friendship.
It’s more.
It’s like .
It’s not heavy or deep or engrained yet, but the ability to say it to himself without cringing inwards is refreshing.
Yeah.
Kuroo probably likes Kenma.
Wants to see how Kenma would react if he tried to touch him.
Hug him.
More?
Kuroo wonders.
Maybe .
-
-
Kuroo brings it up one Friday night, in the middle of a documentary about some kind of oil rig explosion that had happened in a place far away.
“Kenma,” Kuroo says. “Right now, at this moment, would you date me if you could?”
Kenma casually looks over and wears a strange expression on his face.
Kuroo’s heart thrums.
“Yeah, and what about it?”
“So it’s that easy for you to say?”
“I mean, you wanted the truth, right?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s the truth. Why? I swear to god, you always bring us up in the most random fucking times. Jeez. It’s getting really fucking annoying, you know. It’s vindictive at this point.”
“Nevermind,” Kuroo shrugs. “I don’t know. Sorry. I swear I won’t bring it up again, that was the last time.”
Kenma glares but quickly goes back to the documentary. “Better be.”
Kuroo nearly faints from excitement.
He’ll come up with some sort of plan to ask Kenma out again.
He’ll make up for lost time.
Somehow.
Slowly.
Maybe.
-
-
It’s been two months and Kuroo still has no plan.
Nothing’s good enough.
Until, that is, when Bokuto comes bursting through like a dark horse.
“A party?” Kenma wrinkles his nose. “For what? Who? Why?”
Akaashi pokes Kenma’s shoulder. “It’s just a friendly get-together with some people that we all know. Like, Suga’s bringing Daichi, and I’m pretty sure Bokuto would love to see Hinata-kun again. And I’d love to talk to Kageyama; it’s been too long. Uh, Konoha, Yaku, Kai, Asahi and Noya, and a couple of secretaries from Bokuto’s office. Can’t be filling up the room with that much testosterone and not balance it out, you know?”
“Ew, I’m gonna see my boss outside of work?” Kenma groans.
Kuroo can tell it’s a fake one. The truth is, everyone loves Daichi. He’s just - he’s Daichi. Disliking him would be like thinking puppies are gross or something.
“Oh, shove it,” Akaashi says. “Just come, okay? And wear decent clothes. Not black tie, but like. Don’t come in sweats like last time.”
“You said , and I quote , just come in the clothes you always wear . And you know I only wear sweats.”
“We aren’t starting this again!” Bokuto cuts the two of them off. “Last time, you two nearly blew up the nation over this fight. Nuh-uh!”
“Fine, fine,” Kenma concedes. “I’ll wear jeans and a cardigan. That’s the best you’re getting.”
“Khaki's.”
“If I wear khakis, I get to come in a hoodie.”
“A plain one.”
“Fine.” Kenma crosses his arms and Kuroo has to hide his smile at the pout that follows.
“ Fine .” Akaashi pretends to be annoyed and slumps against Bokuto’s side, who immediately takes him into a tooth-rottingly sweet side hug.
Honestly, fuck those two.
Kuroo’s over here dying about how to get Kenma to go out with him, and these guys are just all over each other like it’s easy.
Oh.
Oh .
So that’s how he’ll do it.
Thank you, Bokuto .
-
-
Kuroo’s plan is simple:
- Go to the party with Kenma.
- Make small talk with Kenma.
- Confess in a quiet corner on the balcony.
- Make sure Kenma realizes he’s being serious.
- Go out with Kenma.
There’s no way this won’t work.
Kuroo combs his fingers through his hair and gives his reflection a thumbs up in the mirror.
This is good.
This is great.
-
-
Most of the people are there by the time Kuroo arrives with Kenma (traffic) and Kenma makes a beeline for the table of food set up.
He gets jumped by Hinata, and Kuroo curses for losing his chance to say something charmingly sweet about pretzels or something. (The actual conversation part is a work in progress right now.)
“Kuroo, over here!”
Kuroo looks up and sees Daichi calling him over, who’s got Suga clinging to his side and Bokuto bouncing around excitedly.
“Hey guys, what’s up?” Kuroo accepts a drink that Boktuo hands him. “Uh, I’m driving, you know.”
“It’s just seltzer, don’t worry,” Bokuto waves his hands and slaps Kuroo’s arm enthusiastically. “But, uh, we had an idea for you!”
Kuroo drinks some of the seltzer and winces at the sour aftertaste. “What is it?” Kuroo says absentmindedly, way too focused on Kenma nibbling at a carrot stick to give Bokuto his full attention.
“Would you be interested in going on a blind date with someone from my workplace?”
Kuroo, to be honest, doesn’t hear the sentence properly. He’s keeping an eye on Kenma right now, who’s talking to Hinata and a short blonde girl about something with a small smile on his face.
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Kuroo says.
The only word he really got was date , so Kuroo had answered yes.
Because, well, he’s interested in taking Kenma out.
He should’ve listened better.
“Kaori, he said yes!”
Kuroo snaps his head back when everyone starts whooping.
“Uh, wait, what?” Kuroo tries his best to not crinkle the plastic cup in his hand. “What just happened? Who’s Kaori?”
“That would be me.”
Kuroo spins around to lay eyes on a woman he doesn’t recognize - tall and fairly pretty, but these days, no one’s comparing to Kenma and his soft hair and quiet eyes and thin frame.
“Huh?” Kuroo lets out dumbly.
“I’m Suzumeda Kaori, but um, please call me Kaori,” she says rather shyly. She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear and smiles. “Um, I told Bokuto-san that I’d like to know if you were single, and you were , so he offered to set me up with you?”
Kuroo grins widely.
Bokuto Kotarou, you little piece of shit .
“So, I’d like to give you my number, if that’s okay. No pressure, though! Really, I was just interested.”
Kaori just doesn’t know when to stop, huh?
Kuroo shakily takes his phone out - it’s not like he can humiliate the both of them in front of a crowd - and offers her his number. Once they start typing in each other’s phones, the excitement dies down and people start going back to their own conversations again.
“I’ll um,” Kuroo swallows dryly under the expectant looks of Bokuto, Daichi, and Suga. “I’ll give you a call.”
“Actually,” Kaori covers her mouth and lets out a delicate giggle. “If you don’t mind, um, would you like to make plans for next Friday night?”
Friday night -
Documentary nights with Kenma.
“He’d love to!”
Bokuto answers before Kuroo can come up with an excuse.
“Really?” Kaori lights up.
Kuroo watches as Kenma’s expression slowly starts to crumple.
Akaashi stands next to Kenma, clearly shocked at Bokuto’s actions. It must be obvious that it was all unprompted - and even if it wasn’t, Akaashi’s too good at noticing things to not have realized Kuroo was put on the spot.
“Of course,” Kuroo chokes out. “I’d love that. Dinner at seven? I can send you the address of a nice restaurant.”
Kaori blushes.
Say no, for fuck’s sake. Change your mind so I don’t have to be the bad guy .
“I’d love that!”
Kenma runs.
-
-
“I guess it’s time for me to start looking for a boyfriend, huh?”
Kuroo looks up from his fried rice, nearly spitting out his mouthful of food in surprise. Kenma gives him an empty look.
“Uh,” Kuroo has to stop himself from demanding that Kenma remain single - just until this stupid fucking date night situation is over. “Uh, why? I mean, uh, you’ve been fine. Or whatever. Until now. So. You should wait. I’m sure the right guy is going to find you. So.”
Kenma scoffs a bit and tightens his grip on his spoon. “Oh, so you’re allowed to get a girlfriend and I can’t even bring up the topic of dating someone without you freaking out? Fucking hypocrite.”
“No! I mean, I think you deserve the best, and the best things only come to those who wait, so. It’s just. My advice.”
“Ah, I see,” Kenma hums. “So, I just have to wait for one of my friends to set me up on a blind date like Bokuto did for you, right?”
“No! I mean, the right guy is out there. I know you’ll find him soon. So just. Don’t get impatient and start going out with whoever you want, okay? Take care of yourself.”
“You’re such a fucking dad.”
“Am not.”
“Are to,” Kenma says playfully. “But um, in all seriousness. Good luck tomorrow night, okay? Treat her nicely. She’s apparently the kindest secretary at Bokuto’s place and takes care of people well. And uh, sorry for running out that day. I just got surprised.”
“Uh,” Kuroo scratches his head. “Wait, so um, you’re okay? With me going out with someone?”
Say no, say no, say no -
“Of course I’d be,” Kenma looks slightly offended. “I mean, you deserve every chance at happiness you get. If Kaori can bring it to you, then you obviously can’t pass that up, don’t be silly.”
“Oh,” Kuroo feels his heart sink. “I-I, um, just - it’s just that, I thought you’d dislike it.”
“Is your future potential girlfriend worth losing over your stupid ex?” Kenma laughs and eats another spoonful of rice. “You’d make a good husband and dad. I mean, even if we were still together, you wouldn’t be able to be either. So take this chance and use it well, Kuroo, I mean it. It’s about time the both of us stopped dancing around each other on this subject.”
“What subject?”
“You know,” Kenma refuses to make eye contact. “Moving on. It’s what’s best for both of us.”
“You really think so?“
“Yeah. I really think so.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Kuroo. You don’t have to be.”
“But I am.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
-
-
Kuroo thinks it’s fair.
He deserves nothing less.
The amount of hurt he must’ve put Kenma through -
The amount of exhaustion Kenma must’ve had to deal with, the amount of tears and aches he must’ve had to put up with.
Kuroo did all of that to Kenma.
He broke Kenma.
Kuroo did that.
All without batting a single eyelash, just because he thought he had it harder.
Just because he thought not remembering was worse than remembering.
-
-
Kaori’s nice.
Just as Kenma promised.
Kuroo ends the first date with a promise for a second.
-
-
One Year Later
Kenma’s POV
-
-
“Ugh, move your fat ass, please,” Kenma shoves Kuroo’s side with a socked foot and waits impatiently for his roommate to make room on the couch. “Which one is it today?”
Kuroo holds up a CD case. “Cheese.”
Kenma groans. These days, Kuroo’s been getting into weirder and weirder documentaries - starting from the making of salami and now cheese history . This man is just going to go through all the deli goods, huh?
“I really don’t wanna spend two hours hearing some old guy talk about cheese.”
“C’mon, it’ll be fun,” Kuroo says with a grin. “Now stop fidgeting, sit down, and watch the show.”
Kenma obeys, albeit with a grumble and a handful of curses.
He’s about to ask Kuroo to hand over the chips when Kuroo’s phone rings with a notification.
It must be Kaori.
They’re getting busier lately - but that’s expected of a couple well within a year into their relationship.
Kenma pretends like it doesn’t bother him.
The truth is, every passing day somehow drives him crazier.
“What’s it about?” Kenma asks casually, hoping that he doesn’t sound as intrusive as he wants to be.
“Kaori wants to try out a new brunch place tomorrow since it’s Saturday,” Kuroo says while still typing on his phone. “I guess I’ll be out tomorrow.”
Kenma buries himself into the couch and hopes he doesn’t look upset right now. He’s still not quite okay with hearing about their dates . “Bring me back some leftovers.”
“Got it. And uh, next week, I won’t be able to do the documentary night. I’m uh, staying over at her place.”
Kenma puts his hood on. “Just gives me more freedom, I guess.”
“Yeah.”
-
-
There’s something strange about the atmosphere that Kuroo’s created for the four of them.
Kenma, Bokuto, and Akaashi sit lined up next to each other, with a table in between the three of them and Kuroo.
“What’s this about, Kuroo?” Akaashi’s the one to break the silence.
Kuroo fiddles around with his hands.
“Well, uh, as you guys know, Karoi and I have been together for twenty months now, and uh, well, you know. I did it.”
It doesn’t click for Kenma right away.
And then it hits like a tidal wave.
“Congrats, man!” Bokuto cheers. “Wait, you meant that you proposed to her, right?”
Kuroo smiles so brightly. “Yeah, guys. I did. And we want to get married with the ceremony at the two year mark, so we have four months to plan it. Both of us want to keep it rather simple, which is why we honestly don’t need a crazy amount of time. And uh, well, obviously, I want you guys up there as my groomsmen.”
“I’m honored,” Bokuto says. “Dude, that’s so great! Marriage! Who knew, huh?”
“Wait, that’s not all,” Kuroo says. “Kenma, would you please do me the honor of being my best man?”
Kenma can’t hear.
Can’t really breathe, realy.
There’s no way this is real.
No way.
No way.
No way.
“Y-yeah,” Kenma stutters out. He’s on autopilot mode right now. Fuck, this stings. “Of course. Thank you. Sorry. I’m just a bit shocked right now.”
“I’ll still be living with you until about a month after the wedding, though. Kaori’s parents are giving her their house for us and they’re moving back to the countryside.”
“That’s great,” Kenma nods with a smile. “Kuroo. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
“And uh,” Kenma squeezes his hands into fists underneath the table so he doesn’t start breaking down right now. “Can I do something for you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Um, as my wedding gift to you guys, let me take care of the rings. I know you probably gave her an engagement ring and stuff, but let me take care of the actual thing.”
Kuroo gasps gently. “Oh, Kenma, that’s too much, rings are exp-”
“I mean, it’s not like I can get married, or have anyone right now. And my job pays pretty well so I have enough. Please. Just let me do this. I want to.”
Kuroo shakes his head vehemently. “No, no, just being there and helping me plan this out as my best man is enough. You really d-”
“Kuroo,” Kenma says a bit harsher than he intended to. “Please. Take my gift. I refuse to back down on this one. You know me. I won’t let go of a bone until I feel like it. I’ll annoy you to death.”
“But rings are-”
“They’re a symbol of your love to each other. And I know someone in the business. Just trust me, okay? I’m going to pick out the best ones in the market. I swear.”
Kuroo seems to resign.
“Are you sure?”
Kenma nods.
“I’ve never been more confident.”
-
-
“Kenma, do you really have to take it?”
“Hinata, you know they need someone with experience. And they don’t have a lot of options right now. It’ll be temporary.”
“Four years isn’t temporary.”
“I’ll send you souvenirs all the time. Volleyball things for you and Kageyama. Or something. I don’t know.”
“ Kenma ,” Hinata whines again. Kenma’s weak to it. “Please.”
“Hinata,” Kenma says again. “Run this down to Daichi.”
“ Hmph ,” Hinata grunts. “Fine. I’ll never forgive you, you know.”
Kenma rolls his eyes. “Oh, hurry up.”
-
-
It seems that lately, all Kenma hears is shit he doesn’t want to.
He wakes up from a nap one day, stretching himself out to loosen the hold of sleep on him.
There’s voices coming from the living room - Kuroo and Bokuto.
Kenma’s about to announce his presence and ask what the occasion is when he hears Bokuto say, “I don’t know, dude, maybe start off with what you like about her?”
Kuroo groans and Kenma can practically see the way he buries his head into his hands. “Vows are hard to write.”
So that’s what this is. Kenma presses his back up against the wall and sinks to the floor.
“Dude, seriously, just listen to me. List everything you like about her. Like physically, mentally, all of it.”
“Well, she has really pretty eyes. They’re like the color of the sky right before dawn breaks out in the winter. And her freckles are really cute, too, because they fade until summertime and she looks like a forest fairy. And her hair’s long. I like long hair on people, you know.”
Kenma reaches up and slowly runs his fingers through his hair. It’s grown out a lot by now - the longest lengths reach to right below his shoulder.
That’s not going to work.
-
-
Two weeks later, Kenma grabs a pair of kitchen scissors and hacks his hair off.
-
-
The wedding comes up quick - apparently, four months is nothing if Kenma tries hard enough to space out during everything.
Akaashi’s helping Kenma into his suit, since he doesn’t have the ability to move the way he wants to right now.
This can’t be happening.
It wasn’t supposed to get this far.
Kuroo was supposed to remember.
Was supposed to love him again.
Akaashi breaks the silence.
“Kenma,” Akaashi’s voice is filled with trepidation. “I need to talk to you.”
Kenma stares at himself in the mirror. His hair is hard to get used to. “What happened?”
“It wasn’t Bokuto who set them up.”
“What do you mean?”
“I asked Bokuto that night if he spoke for Kuroo. About why he did that, when I was already trying to think of a way to get you two back together. Plus, I’m pretty sure Kuroo started liking you at the point. But anyways. It was actually Suga’s plan, but Bokuto got more excited. I was so mad at him for doing that. He told me, though, that you were dying inside because of Kuroo. That you needed some kind of push to move on. And even to this day, two years later, I don’t know if he was right. I don’t know if you two would’ve ended up together if no one had meddled. Sometimes I look at you and think it’s unfair how life shit on you like this, and how everyone else keeps inadvertently doing things to ruin you. And then other times, I think, maybe it’s for the best that Kuroo isn’t with you. Because whether we like it or not, the accident changed him and he’s no longer who he used to be. Sometimes I think this new Kuroo would’ve been wrong for you, even if he did fall for you again. He’s just. Different, somehow. And so basically what I’m saying is that I don’t know what I’m doing. And I have no advice for you. Except that, I just want you to get through today and unblock your heart. See that the Kuroo you love so much isn’t here anymore. That this is someone else. They just look the same. Let him go. Move away. Come back changed, too.”
Kenma watches with sullen eyes as Akaashi brushes Kenma’s hair out, styling it neatly so that wispy strands fall to the front but leave the sides of his face exposed.
He feels naked without his usual curtain to hide behind.
“You didn’t tell anyone about it, right?“
“Yeah. I swore Hinata and Daichi to secrecy.”
“Thank you.”
“Kenma.”
“Yeah?”
“Are you ready?”
“Absolutely not.”
-
-
“Kuroo!” Kenma calls out.
Kuroo still hasn’t changed yet, but has a white dress shirt on. The jeans look out of place.
“Is something wrong?” Kuroo looks worried.
Kenma shakes his head and pushes his hair out of his eyes. “No, nothing’s wrong. I have the rings, that’s all. You need to take them, remember?”
Kuroo nods. “Oh, of course! Thank you!”
Kenma smiles. “Here you go. You swear she’s a ring size seven, right?”
“I swear.”
Kenma hands over the black box. “I hope you like them.”
“Of course I will. Thank you, Kenma. You have no idea. How much this means to me.”
“Go on, look at it.”
“Okay, good, because the suspense was -” Kuroo opens the box and sucks in a breath when he takes out his ring - the bigger one. “ Oh .”
“They’re engraved. Yours has ‘you for‘ and hers has ‘forever’ on it so it reads you for forever . Because you guys are promising each other, you know? That this is going to last.”
Kuroo’s lip quivers.
Kenma clasps his hands behind his back, slightly proud and magnificently sad by Kuroo’s expression.
“They’re so perfect , Kenma. God. Fuck. Thank you. Thank you .”
Kuroo continues to stare at the bands.
They’re both simple gold bands, but the luster of it shines like a diamond. Kuroo can’t stop staring at the engraving.
“Is something wrong with it?”
“No,” Kuroo breathes out. “It’s just - I love them. I love them so much. They’re perfect.”
“Go get changed, Kuroo. You need to look your best.”
-
-
Kaori is beautiful.
Kuroo -
Kuroo isn’t his to call beautiful.
-
-
Kenma’s best man speech comes up and he’s forced to face the music.
The chatter dies down and it’s just Kenma and the mic.
“So, hello everyone,” Kenma says. He clears his throat before he continues, and Hinata gives him a thumbs up from the crowd. “I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times today from the bride and groom, but thank you for attending the wedding between Kuroo Tetsurou and Suzumeda Kaori today. We’re truly blessed that this intimate reception is full of familiar faces.”
The crowd laughs politely.
Kenma continues.
“Now, for those of you who don’t know who I am, I’m Kozume Kenma, but please, just call me Kenma. I’ve known Kuroo since I was seven and he was eight. And this may come as no surprise, but he’s managed to stay the same all these years. Kuroo continues to carry the brightness of his youth and pushes himself to live past his mistakes and has helped me learn human growth. Kaori has shown herself time and time again to be selfless and giving, while carrying a firm voice of her own to share. They really are a match made in heaven, don’t you think?”
The crowd awes this time, with people clutching their hearts like this is the cutest thing ever.
“I’m going to keep this short, folks, because I’m sure we all want to attack the buffet line as soon as possible, right?”
Another burst of laughter from the crowd.
Kenma’s chest tightens up. He’s not even reading off his cards at this point - his vision is too blurry.
“I’ve watched Kuroo grow up alongside me as a role model, as a best friend, and as - and as my roommate for over ten years once we both left college. And if there’s one thing about him that I know, it’s that he gets back on his feet no matter what life throws at him. I must thank him, truly, for taking the hand of a sickly child and convincing him to play volleyball. I must thank him for teaching me compassion. There is nothing I wish for this relationship than the utmost happiness and fortune in the future.”
Little claps this time.
Kenma needs to wrap this up.
“So, with that, I’ll say this one last thing. Kuroo, thank you. For being my friend. Because I don’t know how I would’ve made it to this point in life without you. A toast to your wonderful future. You know I love you for being my friend before anyone else was.”
Kenma raises his champagne flute and sits down as the rush of applause roars through his ears along with the sound of his blood coursing through him.
Akaashi wipes away a tear.
Kenma accepts a hug from Kuroo.
Just a couple more hours.
-
-
“Is it time?”
Kenma looks up from where he’s taking his suit jacket off and sees Akaashi standing in the doorway of the changing room through the mirror’s reflection.
“Yeah. I gotta leave now.”
“Did you talk to Kuroo?”
“Yeah. I thanked him for everything and wished him the best.”
“I can’t believe you have to leave.”
“I’ll be back.”
“In four years.”
“I’ll text you.”
“You fucking better.”
“I swear I’ll come back in no time.”
“Give me a hug.”
Kenma smiles softly and opens up his arms, waiting for Akaashi to fall into them.
“Akaashi,” Kenma mummers. Akaashi hugs him tighter in response. “Thank you. I’m going to miss you.”
“Shhh,” Akaashi begs. “Just. Please. Let me pretend you’re just going home early.”
“Okay.”
Kenma refuses to break the hug first.
-
-
There’s nothing Kenma brings with him except for four suitcases and three carry ons.
Everything else will be provided by the company, anyways.
“Flight 107, departing for New York City, The United States of America, gate 32. Please start boarding your plane. Flight 107, de-”
Kenma takes in a deep breath.
This is good.
This is new.
This is needed.
-
-
Kenma walks forward.
He doesn’t look back, not even once.
-
-
Kuroo’s POV
Before Kenma’s departure
-
-
“Kuroo, can I talk to you for a second?”
Kuroo turns to see that it’s Kenma, who’s trying his best to not get jostled around by the busy reception.
“Yeah, of course!” Kuroo pulls Kenma over into a corner where no one bothers them. “What’s up?”
“I just had some things I wanted to say.”
“Oh, okay?”
Kuroo feels an overwhelming sense of nervousness - there’s definitely something wrong with Kenma right now.
“Kuroo,” Kenma flickers his eyes up and Kuroo holds eye contact, staring right into Kenma. “Thank you. For everything. And I really mean everything. The stuff you can’t remember, and all the things we did in the past three years after the accident. Everything. From our childhood, when you became my first friend. And then my first boyfriend. And then my first kiss and then first everything else. And it’s weird that you won’t be my last. You’ve helped me grow, whether you knew it or not, and I really owe you for that. So just. Don’t be sad, please. Stay happy. I didn’t give you up for you to be sad, you know. So you have to. I know you will.”
Kuroo feels his breath stick to the sides of this throat for some reason.
Kenma looks like he’s ready to run again.
“Of course. You know I feel the same, right? I know we’ve hit our rough patches and stuff, but at the end, thank you for not giving up on me, even when I acted out and said shitty things and was mean to you,” Kuroo tilts his head. “But Kenma, is something wrong?”
“Everything’s perfect, actually.”
Kenma smiles, so Kuroo does, too.
“I’m glad. Enjoy the reception, okay?”
Kenma walks off without an answer.
-
-
“Hey, does anyone know where Kenma went?” Kuroo scans the floor, but can’t catch sight of that familiar head of blond hair.
“What do you mean, where did he go?” Hinata wrinkles his brows. “He left like, two hours ago.”
“Huh?” Kuroo keeps looking. “I had to ask him something. I talked to him before.”
“Uh, Kuroo-san?”
“Yeah, Hinata?”
“Did no one tell you yet?”
Kuroo pauses and looks over at the orange-haired intern that’s so friendly with everyone.
“Did no one tell me what ?”
Hinata grins sheepishly.
“He moved.”
-
-
It takes a lot of explaining by everyone around him to get the story straight. Apparently, Kenma had been smart enough to tell people different versions of his “escape plan” so it wouldn’t make sense, even when discussed.
Akaashi had explained it all at the end, however.
Kenma had gotten a job offer to move overseas for a couple years. He was meant to leave a week ago, but pushed the date back so he could make it to the wedding. He had told Akaashi the truth, and told Hinata and Daichi the wrong dates so they wouldn’t tell.
Kuroo wonders what he’s so mad for.
-
-
Kuroo doesn’t make it back to his apartment until three weeks later, after all the honeymoon and moving things out of Kaori’s apartment and into their future house.
He comes alone, and it’s eerie knowing that Kenma is truly gone.
His phone number changed.
No one knows his new contact, and Kenma had given specific instructions to corporate headquarters to not release any personal information besides an email address (that Kuroo also tried to reach out to, but heard no response from).
The lights get turned on and Kuroo walks through the place slowly, taking in everything he can.
Everything’s the way he left it the day before the wedding.
Except most of Kenma’s things have been packed away.
Kuroo decides to make his way to Kenma’s bedroom. He wonders if Kenma took the pictures. Kuroo hopes he did. For some reason. He wants Kenma to have a part of Kuroo with him.
Kuroo pushes the door open, silently pleading to be met with bare walls.
The door creaks and Kuroo steps into the room.
His heart hurts.
Every single picture is on its respective hook, and the drawers have been emptied of clothes but everything else stays.
Kenma had taken down the ticket stubs and notes and letters down, but it’s all spread out on top of the bed sheets like he had been debating on whether or not he should’ve packed them and then opted out during the last second.
Kuroo decides that it’s time to read some of them.
He picks up a scrap of paper first with messy handwriting scrawled inside of it.
Had to go to work early today, but eat the breakfast I made for you! Eggs. just the way you like.
- Love, Kuroo.
Get more milk, rice, and a new water filter from the store, please, I can never find the filters.
- Kenma.
Kuroo finds two ripped out journal entries.
Today was my first date with Kuroo. He held my hand. I don’t know why I didn’t just confess to him sooner. I really like him. I hope this goes well. Does he know that I’ve had a crush on him? I hope not. But I’m so obvious sometimes. Ew. Whatever. I like him. That’s all, right?
- Kenma.
Third anniversary dinner with Kenma today. God, he looked so fucking pretty today. I’m going to marry him one day. Give him a ring. Give him a promise. Future Kuroo, you better take good care of my baby or else.
- Kuroo
Kuroo doesn’t even notice that he’s crying until wet splotches start to appear on top of the papers that he reads.
I caught Kuroo singing today. I almost died - why doesn’t he do that more often? God.
- Kenma
Kenma tried making rice in the rice cooker today. We had to buy a new rice cooker. I love this man.
- Kuroo
Kuro, remember to take the trash out on your way out.
Kenma, don’t forget to eat before your meeting.
Kuro, good luck! I know you’re getting the job.
Kenma, I got the job! Call me.
Kuroo asked if we could live together. I told him my apartment was free. I love him. This is so cool.
- Kenma
Kenma asked me to move into his apartment. How am I supposed to say anything but no? His little pout. I almost cried.
- Kuro
It’s just recording after picture after scrap after photo after album after essay.
Proof.
All of it.
All of it’s proof that they loved each other.
Loved?
Are you really sure it’s in past tense ?
Kuroo spots an envelope on the nightstand.
It’s a new letter.
From Kenma.
He tears it open without second thought.
Dear Kuroo,
If you’re reading this, it means I’ll have reached New York City by now. I’m sorry for leaving so suddenly. It’s just, I couldn’t bring myself to make you the last person I looked. I couldn’t do it.
There are a million things I wanted to say, but couldn’t.
I know it’s selfish of me, but I love you. I fucking love you. With everything inside of my heart. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved and will love. Akaashi once told me that the type of love I feel for you can change. He was wrong. I just love you like I love you.
Every day by your side was so immensely beautiful and heartbreakingly painful at the same time. All I could see and hear was the man I loved, the one who loved me back, but then all of a sudden he disappeared from me. And then you came back but it wasn’t really you. And maybe that should’ve been my cue to stop. But I couldn’t. Even the new Kuroo, the one who couldn’t remember me, was impossible to resist. I ended up falling for you more and more with each passing moment. And I couldn’t do anything about it.
Sometimes I beat myself up for not trying harder. Sometimes I think I should be the one by your side right now. Because sometimes, it just isn’t fair to me.
But then, I look at you smiling at Kaori and it’s the way you used to smile at me and it’s the way I used to smile at you so I know, I really know that you love her.
You deserve everything in the world.
I’m so sorry for not being the person you wanted.
You were always needed by me. Wanted. Loved. Still. They’re all still present tense.
I hope you like the rings. Four Christmases ago, you surprised me with them. You said we’d stay together until the end and I promised to make sure it happened but in the end, I broke it. I’m so fucking sorry. I should've kept it. In this envelope is my favorite photo of us. You were so excited to show everyone the rings. I should’ve tried harder. Kaori has the same size ring finger as me.
Love her like you loved me, even if you can’t remember.
Thank you for your love. I’ll keep it safe inside of me. I love you for forever.
Kuroo’s hand shakes impossibly hard as he pulls out the picture Kenma had mentioned.
It’s the two of them, with Kenma half-pulled into Kuroo’s lap, the both of them awkwardly falling into place in front of the camera. Except it doesn’t matter because they’re smiling and holding their hands up, clearly ecstatic about the rings.
Kuroo doesn’t recognize himself.
Was he ever that happy?
Yeah, you fucking idiot , Kuroo cries. You were that happy with him.
Scrawled onto the photo in sharpie in his handwriting is a simple phrase.
Three words long.
Kuroo clutches the letter, the photo, and the hand with his ring on it to his chest and falls.
-
-
Kenma’s POV
Four years later
-
-
Kenma nearly curses when he looks at the updated messages on his phone.
Akaashi: sorry, couldn’t make it! Boss had last minute demands. I sent bo. Don’t worry.
Trusting Bokuto to drive out of an airport terminal - what was Akaashi thinking? It would’ve been faster to just shoot Kenma in the head if death was what he was aiming for.
Kenma moves to the side of the floor close to a random column to make sure no one can jostle into him. The sunlight streaming in through the glass ceiling starts to annoy him, and he just wants to get out of here. He has no home to get back to, anyways, so crashing at Bokuto and Akaashi’s place for now is his only option.
Which means dealing with Bokuto being in love with Akaashi.
Which means ew.
“Now, if it isn’t finally the Kozume Kenma.”
Kenma clicks something on his phone before shoving it into his pocket. “Bokuto, you’re like twenty minutes late,” Kenma hisses.
“Sorry about that. Traffic.”
Kenma freezes.
That’s not -
That’s not Bokuto’s voice.
No.
No.
You’re just imagining things.
Stop.
No.
It’s not.
Don’t look up.
It’s just Bokuto .
“I don’t mean to sound rude or anything, but don’t you owe me something? Like a hug, or a kiss, or your hand in marriage? All three? No?”
Kenma looks up. Slowly. Deliberately.
“What’re you doing here,” Kenma breathes. “Kuroo?”
It’s embarrassing how fast he tears up and starts crying.
“I’m here.”
“Why?”
Kuroo smiles and holds up his hand, and gestures to the ring on his finger. It sends a new rush of dizziness coursing through Kenma’s body, making him tremble with delirium. “You didn’t keep your vow. So obviously , I had to come get you to make sure you did.”
“What?”
“As if I’d let you get away with it, Kenma,” Kuroo reaches for Kenma’s hand and Kenma just stands there limply, like a wet spaghetti noodle or something. “Your hair’s long again.”
“You’re here.”
“I’m here,” Kuroo repeats.
“You’re here.”
He can’t seem to think of anything else to say.
“I mean, I’ll say it as many times as you want, but-”
Kenma stands on the tips of his toes and presses a desperate kiss onto Kuroo’s lips.
It’s not really for the sake of dramatic effect, but Kenma just needs to make sure that the flesh he feels under his own skin is warm.
This is real, right?
There’s no way this is, though.
But it is.
Right?
“You’re here,” Kenma sobs, crying into Kuroo’s chest once he stumbles back down. Kuroo just catches him easily, hugging him impossibly tighter.
“Of course I am. Promises are meant to be kept, aren’t they? What was it that you said? You for forever ? Right?”
“ Mmph ,” Kenma cries into Kuroo’s shirt. Fuck. Fuck .
“Why don’t we head out?”
Kuroo takes a step back and Kenma feels something cold getting slipped onto his finger.
It’s like something’s been slotted into place within Kenma’s heart.
It still fits his finger.
“Kuroo.”
“Yeah?”
“What happened?”
“I’ll tell you everything, Kenma. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
Kenma feels the forever carved into the inside of his ring.
Okay.
This is okay.
Kenma doesn’t know what’s going to happen the minute they step out into the real world - Kuroo could disappear for all he knows - but it’s okay.
It’s real for now.
The cold chill of December air blows around them while the two of them make their way outside - really, there’s nothing complicated about this situation at all.
Kuroo chatters about until they reach the car, filling their little bubble up with words on top of more words and his voice sounds like heaven and Kenma’s pretty sure this is all some kind of mean hallucination his brain is putting him through but it doesn’t matter because it’s somehow happening and their steps fall into place next to each other.
Kuroo keeps moving.
Kenma keeps breathing.
The world keeps turning.
The snow keeps falling.