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Eddie rushes out of the station as soon as he hears the familiar sound of Carla's car pulling into the driveway. He has the door open and his son in his arms before she even has a chance to turn the car all the way off. Tears spring to his eyes as Chris immediately latches onto his shirt and starts to cry those chest heaving sobs that break his heart all over again.
When Carla called him in the middle of the night, Eddie immediately knew that something was very wrong. He'd informed her that Chris was having some trouble with nightmares after the tsunami and they were both handling it as well as they could all things considered, but the one that he had tonight must have been particularly terrifying. Because no matter what Carla did, Chris was inconsolable and not even Eddie's voice over the phone could get him to calm down.
Eddie loves his job, he truly does, but it was times like these that he wished that it was more flexible and that he could simply go home whenever his son needed him. But with Buck out of the picture right now, when they were already understaffed to begin with, no matter how much he wishes he could, Eddie can’t just leave. Especially not when he still has half his shift left to go.
He hasn’t felt this helpless since he was off in Afghanistan and missing birthdays and anniversaries and so many other important milestones of his son’s life.
Thankfully, Bobby is very understanding and while he couldn't promise that Eddie wouldn't have to go with them in case a call comes in, Carla was more than welcome to bring Chris here so Eddie could see him and hopefully calm him down.
Eddie brings Chris inside and takes a seat on the couch, tucking Chris tightly into his lap and rocks him back and forth like he used to do when he was a baby. It always worked like a charm and soon enough, Chris is no longer crying, just letting out an occasional sniffle.
"Chris?" Eddie whispers. "Are you feeling better now, mijo?"
Chris nods tightly against him.
"Do you think you could go back to sleep now?"
Chris lets out a little whimper and clings even closer. Eddie sighs. Fuck, he doesn't know what to do now. No wonder Carla called him. Chris was such an easy child most of the time, even with the occasional tantrum thrown in. But after everything that's happened over the last few months, the therapist had warned him that it was bound to come to this sooner rather than later. Just like his father, Chris had a tendency to internalize his negative emotions and it seems tonight was the night that the dam finally broke.
And the fact that he wasn't there when it happened made Eddie feel like the biggest piece of shit father in the world.
"Hey buddy," Chim tries, sitting next to them on the couch. "Do you want to watch a movie with us? I think we have some Disney classics stored somewhere around here."
Chris shakes his head and doesn't budge.
"Maybe some hot chocolate?" Hen offers but that doesn't work either.
Seeing Chris, who was the happiest and friendliest kid he's ever seen in his life be so drawn in and dismissive of people he was usually thrilled to see leaves Eddie feeling unsettled.
He wishes – and not for the first time – that he had a guidebook that came with Chris that could tell him exactly what he could do to solve all of his troubles. But life wasn't that easy and Eddie is just as clueless now as he was when Chris was first born.
"Is Buck here?" he hears Chris ask and Eddie clenches his jaw. He should have predicted this. Of course Chris would ask for Buck. But Buck isn’t here and he has cut contact with all of them because of the stupid lawsuit. Even if Eddie tries calling him now, he doubts Buck would answer.
"No, mijo," he says gently. "Buck's not here."
Chris sniffles again. "Can we call him?"
It isn’t the first time Chris has made this request after a particularly awful nightmare, and Eddie usually managed to persuade him to wait until the morning and to let Buck sleep instead. And the few times he did make the call, Buck always answered and assured him that he'd pick up the call any day and any time. But now? Eddie wasn't so sure. And especially not after the argument they had earlier today.
He wants to say no, spare his kid the disappointment but he can't bring himself to do it. He has to at least try. Chris asked for so little and when he did, Eddie didn't have it in himself to refuse.
"How about you stay here with Carla while I go get my phone, huh? Can you do that?"
Chris hesitates, but eventually nods and lets Eddie place him down on the couch next to Carla who does her best to comfort him when Eddie gets up. Once he's at a safe distance away, he pulls out his phone from his pocket and opens up his contacts. Buck is right there at the very top and when he clicks on his name, he sees the picture Buck had sent him that day on the pier, of him and Chris grinning at the camera that he'd saved as soon as he got it. Seeing his face now only makes him hurt more.
He sets his phone on the desk a little harder than required and runs his hands through his hair.
"You're not going to call him?" Bobby asks.
Eddie shakes his head. "What's the point? He won't answer, anyway."
"He will if it's you," Hen says with a fond roll of her eyes. "That boy is so gone on you, I'm surprised he lasted this long without calling you himself."
Eddie looks at Bobby, waiting for him to dispute it but he doesn't. Apparently, everyone here was convinced that what? Buck had feelings for him? Because it sure as hell didn't seem that way when he decided to sue the department and cut all contact.
But this is for Christopher, Eddie firmly reminds himself. His feelings on the matter can take a hike for the time being.
He picks up the phone and makes the call.
Every second that he spends waiting is excruciating. Just when he's about to hang up, the call goes through and he hears Buck's voice from the other line, rough and breathy, with wind howling around him.
"Eddie?" Buck says, but the wind makes it hard to hear him.
"Buck? Where the hell are you?"
"Give me a second." There's some shuffling, followed by the slam of the car door and then Buck is saying, "Okay, I'm back. What's going on?"
Eddie hesitates for a moment before he says, "It's Chris."
"Chris?" He hears the immediate panic in Buck’s voice. "What happened? Is he hurt?"
"No, no," Eddie is quick to assure him. "He's fine." He winces. "Physically at least. He had a pretty bad nightmare tonight and Carla ended up bringing him here to see me. He's calmed down some but he still wanted to talk to you."
"Oh," Buck breathes out, clearly relieved.
"I'd apologize for waking you up but you don't sound like you've been sleeping."
"It's fine, don't worry about it. I went out for a run down by the beach."
Eddie raises his eyebrows. "In the middle of the night?"
"It's not like I have anything better to do with my time," Buck says, though the previous bitterness is gone. Now, he just sounds tired and Eddie doesn’t want to go there, not right now when he had more pressing things to worry about.
"Will you talk to him?"
"I can do you one better," Buck says, followed by more shuffling. "You're at the station, right? I can be there in fifteen."
Eddie should say no, because there is the lawsuit to think about and their argument was still so fresh and Buck shouldn't just drop everything to come cheer Chris up. But as he looks over at Chris all sad and curled up on himself on the couch despite Chim's best efforts to make him smile, Eddie can't bring himself to refuse the offer.
"See you then."
He disconnects the call.
"He's on his way here." He probably looks as confused as he sounds because Hen simply sighs and pats him on the back.
"Why don't you head back down there and tell your son the good news," Bobby suggests and the two of them go downstairs where Chris is eagerly awaiting his return.
Carla looks about as exhausted as he feels and he offers her a smile. "I think we can handle it from here, Carla. Why don't you head out home?"
"Are you sure?" she asks. "Because you know I don't mind staying."
"I know, and I really appreciate it but reinforcement is on his way here and I think that's all that can help right now," Eddie explains with exasperation and Carla grins at him.
"Of course," she says, getting up. "Say no more. Tell him I said hi and if you need anything, and I mean anything, I'm just a phone call away, alright?"
Eddie nods and brings her in for a quick hug. "Thank you, Carla."
"Any time."
Eddie sits down next to Chris who immediately snuggles into him, asking about Buck.
"He's on his way here," Eddie tells him and of course that's all it takes to get Chris to perk up. Buck seemed to have that effect on most people.
"Really?" Chris looks at him with those puppy eyes of his and Eddie melts.
"Did I ever lie to you?"
That's all Chris needs to take him for his word and to return back to his own little world. He's still not back to his usual self, but the worst seems to have passed.
*
Buch has never been more grateful for his body’s refusal to sleep before. Because if he was sleeping, he might have missed Eddie’s call and he never would have forgiven himself for that. He doubts Eddie would, too.
He still can’t believe that he let this lawsuit nonsense get this far. He did it in the heat of the moment, when he felt betrayed by someone who he considered a close friend, a father figure. People often joked about him being Bobby’s son, but they didn’t know how close that hit to home for Buck.
It’s too late to stop it now, though. All he could really do now was see it through until the bitter end. The worst part is that he knows that no matter the outcome, things were never going to go back to the way they were before. That ship has sailed a long time ago. Even if he gets his job back after all of this, his team would never trust him again.
He just hopes that one day, his team could come to understand his motivations and find it in themselves to forgive him. After the truck bombing and the pulmonary embolism and then the tsunami… He supposes that losing his job has been the final straw. He had to do something to take back the control over his life and the lawsuit seemed like the only option he had left.
But he wouldn’t blame them if they couldn’t forgive him. He isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to forgive himself.
Buck makes it to the station in what seems like no time at all. He probably broke more than one traffic law on his way there, but there's no flashing lights chasing after him, so he'll consider it a win.
He takes a minute to gather his composure after he parks at his usual spot, right next to Eddie’s truck. He knows he must look like a mess. He hasn’t been sleeping well for weeks and after he woke up from yet another gut wrenching nightmare, he’d put on his running gear and made his way down to the beach where he ran until both of his legs were on fire and he felt absolutely drained. That seemed to be the only way for him to get some actual sleep these days; if he was so tired he literally passed out as soon as he got into a horizontal position.
It definitely isn’t healthy for him, he knows, especially with how little he was eating but he was long past the point where he could bring himself to care.
After a few steadying breaths, he runs a hand through his hair and gets out of the car and into the station. Thankfully, it’s a late night shift – the one he should have been working if everything went well for once in his life – and there’s not a lot of people milling about, most preferring to catch a few hours of sleep between calls.
His team is, to his luck, all awake and sitting up on the loft having a late night chat and Eddie is the only one downstairs with Chris wrapped around him like an octopus. Buck’s heart quickens at seeing all his friends – probably former friends, now – so he keeps his gaze zeroed in on Chris. He shouldn’t even be here right now, and his lawyer would be beyond pissed if he found out but there was no scenario where Buck wouldn’t drop everything if Chris needed him.
He hopes that Eddie knows it, too.
"Hey buddy," Buck says as he approaches the couch, crouching down next to Chris and focusing all of his attention to him. He doesn't think he could handle seeing their disappointment when he was still feeling so very raw.
"Buck!" Chris all but throws himself at him, he's so glad to see him and it never fails to make Buck melt into a pitiful little puddle of joy. No one has ever been this excited to see him before and he's made the dangerous mistake of getting used to it. "You're here!"
"Of course I'm here," Buck tells him, hugging him back. It's a little awkward since he's crouching by the couch and Chris is still half in Eddie's lap but he doesn't pay it any mind. "How are you doing, little man?"
"Okay," Chris mumbles into his shirt.
"Really? Because I heard that you were pretty upset," Buck tells him and feels the way Chris' hands tighten against his shirt. "Did you have another nightmare?" Chris nods against him and sniffles. "Was it about the water?"
Chris gasps and pulls away. "How did you know?"
"Can I tell you a secret?" Chris nods, watching him with wide eyes. Buck lowers his voice as he says, "I have nightmares, too."
He knows that any attempt to keep this a secret between only the two of them is a complete failure, but if it would help Chris to know that he's not alone, then it's well worth the inevitable questioning he's going to get from the rest of the team as soon as Chris was out of earshot. He feels Eddie's stare on him and steadily avoids it.
"You do?" The poor kid sounds so relieved, as if he thought that he was the only one affected by what happened. Buck nods. "But you're a hero!"
Well shit. Talk about kicking him when he's already down in the gutter. But nevertheless, Buck keeps his composure. "Even heroes have nightmares, Superman. What happened was really scary, wasn't it?" Chris nods. "And it's okay to be scared. Because you're safe now, alright? You have your dad and me and Carla, and the rest of the team and your teachers, so many people. And they all want to help. You just have to ask, okay?"
He’s being a hypocrite and he’s well aware of it. He knows all the right words to say, but he sure as hell hasn’t bothered following his own advice. Nearly every single night he wakes up with Christopher's name lodged in his throat, gasping for air, hands reaching out for him in the dark water haunting his dreams. He knows that he should do something about it, because he doesn't remember the last time he got a good night's sleep and he knows he can't keep going like this for much longer before he fully breaks.
But every time he picks up the phone and thinks about calling a friend to talk, just to hear their reassuring words, he remembers his parents.
"Why are you always so exhausting, Evan? I can't deal with your right now."
He was always a bother, a burden. No matter what he was feeling, he was always a nuisance they had to deal with and he'd learned from a young age that nobody truly cared about it and keeping his problems to himself was for the best. Everyone had their own troubles and the last thing they needed was to deal with his, too.
Hell, Eddie revealed he feels the same earlier today. Yet another memory that will be featured in his nightmares for months to come.
He knows exactly what Chris must be feeling right now and he'll be damned if he lets Chris grow up feeling like his entire existence is a cruel joke and that he has no place in this world. He has an amazing father who is trying so hard to make sure he knew that, but Buck also knows that sometimes you just had to hear the words from someone else to know that they're true.
"You're never a burden, Christopher," Buck tells him firmly, leaving no space for doubt. "Never, do you hear me?" Chris nods. “No matter what you’re feeling, we’re always here to listen and to help in any way we can. You can always come to us.”
"Buck-" Eddie says and Buck isn't sure he wants to hear whatever he has to say. He'd already revealed far too much than he ever wanted to and it was all he could do to stop himself from running out and never looking back.
The bell sounds off, starling them all and cuts off whatever Eddie was going to say. Talk about being saved by the bell.
"We have a multicar pileup on the freeway. We're going to need all hands on deck for this one," Bobby announces and everyone rushes to grab their gear.
"You want me to stay with him here or is it okay if I take him home with me?" Buck asks, taking Chris into his arms so Eddie can stand up and grab his gear.
"What do you say, kid? Want to stay with Buck?"
"Yes!" Chris says. "We can have a sleepover!"
Eddie chuckles. "I think that settles it." He kisses Chris on the cheek and pats Buck on the back. "I'll be there to pick him up as soon as my shift is over. Text me when you get home!"
Buck nods and watches as his team boards the truck and the sirens come on. Chris waves at Eddie who waves back, clearly reluctant to leave him but having no choice not to, not when they were a man down. If he was back at work-
Buck shakes the thought out of his head and adjusts his hold on Chris. "You ready to head out?"
Chris nods, already half asleep now that all the excitement of the night has finally caught up with him and heads out.
The drive to his apartment is pretty uneventful with Chris already nodding off in the back seat. Seeing as it was a Friday and Chris has no school tomorrow, Buck doesn't bother setting up an alarm after he takes Chris up to the loft and tucks him into his bed.
He fully intends on going downstairs to sleep on the couch but as soon as he tries to leave, Chris is reaching out for him, asking him to stay. And, well, how can anyone look at that kid and refuse him anything is beyond him.
He takes a quick shower to wash away the sweat and the sand from his run before he climbs into bed and texts Eddie that they made it home okay and that he'll see him in the morning. Eddie doesn't respond but Buck wasn't expecting him to anyway. He was going to have a busy night.
Sighing, Buck puts away his phone and turns on his side to face Chris who is already dead to the world, his chest rising with each deep breath.
Having someone next to him puts Buck at ease, eases some of the loneliness he’s been carrying for so long and it doesn’t take long before he’s asleep, too.
*
By the time they make it back to the station, Eddie is dead on his feet. It's been a call after call all night and he was completely drained, both physically and emotionally The one good thing about a busy shift, though, is that it kept him from thinking too much about anything other than the job itself.
It’s still early in the morning, with the sun barely coming up and Eddie takes his time in the shower, washing away the dirt and the grime of the night. When he's done, he grabs his things from his locker and slowly makes his way outside. His team is already there waiting on him and he falls into step with them as they make their way out to their cars.
"Are you going to talk some sense into him?" Hen asks, but the words are soft and gentle.
Despite his and Buck's falling out, it didn't change the fact that Eddie still trusted him with taking care of Chris. Buck might have made some shitty decisions that really pissed Eddie off, but Eddie was confident that they could get passed that with time. Because they would get passed it, there was no doubt about it. Eddie would make sure of it.
After hearing what Buck said to Chris, it was easy to connect the dots and put two and two together. Buck was clearly struggling with a lot and Eddie was kicking himself for not noticing sooner. Buck lost so much weight over the last few months that the shirts that used to be a tight fit now hung off his lithe frame. He looked utterly exhausted and defeated and Eddie should have known better than to take him at his word when he insisted that he was fine, that he wasn’t having nightmares and that he didn’t need to see a therapist.
Eddie knows that the rest of the team were kicking themselves for not doing something about this sooner, for not being more understanding and supportive, for letting it come this far.
Eddie sighs. "I'll do my best."
But knowing Buck, it won't be an easy feat.
Eddie stops by a local bakery near Buck's apartment and grabs some pastries for breakfast. Buck and Chris were probably still asleep and Eddie knew better than to attempt making them all breakfast on his own so bakery it was.
As expected, the apartment is completely silent when he arrives and he uses his key to let himself inside. He takes off his jacket and peers into the living room only to find the couch there empty. Did Buck maybe take Chris to Eddie's house instead?
Eddie leaves the pastries in the kitchen and slowly makes his way up to the loft, stopping at the very top of the stairs as he takes in the sight. Both Buck and Chris were dead to the world, sprawled out over Buck's king sized bed. Buck is curled protectively around Chris, effectively making sure he doesn't roll off the bed as he was a restless sleeper – but judging by the way Chris was holding him back, he had no intention of going anywhere any time soon.
He stands there and watched them for a long moment, heart swelling with emotions that he’s been trying to suppress for a long, long time. Seeing his boys together always brought them out and maybe it was finally time to stop ignoring them.
But now is not the time or place for acting out on his own desires, Eddie reminds himself. Those could wait for a little bit longer. His first priority is making sure Buck knew just how important he was to all of them.
As if sensing his presence, Buck's eyes flutter open and he startles a little when he sees Eddie standing there.
"Hey," Buck whispers, voice rough with sleep. "What time is it?"
"It's still early," Eddie tells him. "Do you mind if I join you?"
Buck frowns at him for a moment before he nods, carefully relaxing back into the bed. He watches Eddie with obvious weariness as he kicks off his jeans and crawls into bed on the empty spot behind Buck. He throws a hand over Buck's waist and pulls him in a long overdue full body hug.
"This okay?" he asks. Buck nods, shivering at his touch.
"Eddie-" Buck tries but Eddie cuts him off, snuggling in even closer.
“I’m sorry,” he says, voice low and gruff. “For not being here when you needed me. For saying that you were exhausting when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I hope that one day - after a lot of groveling from my side - you can find it in yourself to forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” Buck turns his head and gives him an incredulous look. “I should be the one apologizing to you.”
Eddie rolls his eyes. “Agree to disagree,” he whispers, shushing Buck’s attempt to speak when Chris starts to stir. “I know there’s a lot we need to talk about still, but right now I think all of us could use some rest. This discussion can wait.”
But that was easy for him to say when he knew that everything would work out in the end. For all that he knew, Buck was freaking out and imagining the worst possible outcome already. Though how he could interpret Eddie literally crawling into bed with him and holding him like he never wanted to let him go as anything but a good thing was beyond him.
Buck watches him, biting at his lip and looking torn as he struggles to make a decision. He’s still clearly exhausted and half asleep so Eddie decides to make an executive decision for them both.
"Buck," he tells him, as gently as he can manage. "We're going to be okay, I promise. Now go back to sleep."
"Alright," Buck says and this time Eddie knows his voice is rough with more than just sleep. He turns back to his side and rubs his face on the pillow to hide his tears but Eddie doesn't call him out on it, simply holds him tighter.
He doesn't let up until he feels Buck melt into his hold and his breathing evens out, fast asleep once again. Only then does he dare to press a gentle kiss to the back of his head and close his own eyes, reveling in the knowledge that finally, his family was safe and sound.
And Eddie will stop at nothing to keep them this way.