Work Text:
When Kaz had seen Inej, he felt a part of himself flutter away, like a part of his guard being pulled down for once, his unbreakable brick wall finally tumbling to the ground. Brick by brick. When Kaz had seen Inej, he knew, even for a slight moment, maybe the life ahead of him wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be, as she would, hopefully, be in it.
He had sworn to himself, cursed under the stars and to the members of the Dregs, he would get Inej back, no matter what it took, even if he had to die from it, all to keep her safe, he would risk it all. He thought of Jordie for half a second, and a cold, longing shiver ran down his spine. He hated the way it made him feel, death, he had always feared it, of what’s to come in the next life…
“And if Jordie has it good there,” Kaz whispered to himself under the skyless night. The moon was bright, illuminating most of Ketterdam, the light was golden white, hard and stern on the features of Kaz’ velvet suit. He drew in a breath for a short moment, relishing the scented air, the wooden air, the familiar air.
Kaz turned, and his heart stammered in his chest, as if not remembering how to pace itself normally. Beat, beat, beat. He told himself, yet when his eyes met hers, everything washed away in a gentle movement. Everything washed away – just like that night with Jordie. No, he had to get Jordie out of his head, he had to think of anything but Jordie.
So he thought of her.
Her dark eyes turning amber under the toned moonlight, her skin, it looked soft, and he could almost feel the heat vibrating off of it. He wanted her. Badly. And it took every ounce of his body not to push himself forward, to not think of what it would feel like if their lips touched. A sweet feeling, yet bitter at the same time. Kaz has never kissed anyone before, a swift kiss of the check maybe, but the lips… he turned away. Feeling heat rise to neck.
“Jordie has it good there,” Inej whispered, her voice like ribbons of sweet melodies to Kaz. Even if she were talking about his greatest fear. “I promise that,”
Kaz turned to her once more, and his breath hitch. Her eyes were full of sorrow, her lips, slightly ajar, her hands were cupped close to her chest and, under the moonlight, Kaz swore she looked like an angel coming to greet him. He tried to force words out, tried to speak in gentle tones, yet nothing could come out.
“Jordie…” Inej said, feeling shame in her words and she saw Kaz wince. “He would have had the greatest life with you, anyone will.”
“Even the people I kill?” He asked, his tone full of remorse.
“People think they know who you are, Kaz, but they don’t… I don’t even know you… I just know some parts of you.”
You do know me. He wanted to say, but instead, he turned back to the window. He sensed Inej slowly pacing towards him, only to stand beside him a moment later. Kaz’ eyes stayed sharp ahead, he could feel the brush of her hand against his gloved one. He wanted to hold her, to reach for her, to stand next to her unafraid, but instead… he was still, unmoving until Inej spoke once more.
“I would like to change that; I would like to get to know you Kaz Brekker. The real you.” She added swiftly at the end. There was something in her words that made him want to open up, but in that same moment he didn’t want to her to know how much of a coward the real Kaz Brekker was. The boy who had watch his brother float away in the water after using him as a lifeboat, the boy who stole a farmer boy’s money after humiliating him in public after throwing his pants in the canal. The boy who so desperately needed a job that he ended up hurting a harmless worker, tearing the backs of his feet off for money.
“Why?” was all he could manage to say.
He saw her hesitate for a moment, fiddling with her fingers. “Because I would like to know who I am working with.”
He didn’t like that reply. “You know who you’re working with,” he said harshly. “You’re working for Kaz Brekker, the bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands, the man that would risk his own life…” to save yours. He broke off.
“For?” Inej pressed.
“Nothing,” he said in a tone he didn’t like using towards her. He stopped himself, the feeling of the second-hand embarrassment so strong it could have crushed him. Who was he to feel as though he couldn’t express his feelings towards the girl he so desperately wanted to be with? Was it so bad for her to know how he felt? Did she know how he felt? “Nothing, but you.”
He saw her tense. Saints, I messed up…
“You know, I never really understood why you took so much interest in me, I am just a girl.”
Kaz chucked to himself. “You are more that just a girl, Inej Ghafa, you are the Wraith.”
“A Wraith that couldn’t protect herself in the ice court, a spider that can’t climb walls, a little lynx that was turned into a big monster…”
“You think you are a monster?” Kaz was bemused, had Inej really thought of herself that way? Had she thought she was a bigger, scarier monster than Kaz himself?
“You don’t?”
“We have all done bad things – horrible things – but that does not mean you are a sin for it.”
“I just think…” Inej’s voice went small. “How would my parents react if they found of the half of what I have been doing for the years I have not been with them… would they be proud, dishonoured, or will they think I am a monster?”
“If they think you are a monster, then that makes them fools.” Kaz hummed to himself.
“Kaz,” she sighed. “Have you not thought about it?”
“I have no one to think about.” He said slowly.
“What do you think Jordie would feel if he found out of our gang, of our – your – killings? Do you think he would be proud?”
There was silence in the room for a short moment, Kaz had said nothing, he didn’t dare himself to think of anything. His jaw tightened and he knew Inej saw it.
“Sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t know my own boundaries yet… because I don’t know where yours begin.”
Kaz looked at her then, her soft brown eyes warming his soul, he would have liked to protect her, to keep her away from the world that was so rough and vile towards her. Them. But he knew she could do that for herself. A Wraith that couldn’t protect herself in the ice court, a spider that can’t climb walls, a little lynx that was turned into a big monster. The words clung in his mind, wrapping around his brain until there were barbed wire cutting into his flesh.
“I was scared, you know….”
Inej looked taken aback, the furrow between her brows visible. “Afraid, of what?”
“You. I was afraid the night we went to Van Eck’s, I would never see you again. I was afraid of loosing you,” the words tumbled out of his mouth, as though they had been trapped there for days. “I was scared that I would lose my Wraith.”
She turned away; her face hard, she said nothing.
“The Dregs were going mad, whether they lost a friend, a member of the gang, a leader, or the person that meant so much to them that it broke them, to pieces, Inej, that they had to cradle their heart to bed to make sure they only got a few hours of sleep so they can find clues once more after they woke.” Kaz hitched his breath. “I wasn’t just afraid of losing my Wraith… I was afraid I was going to lose Inej as well.”
She turned to him then. “You were really doing all of that… for me?” She made it sound like an insult, that she wasn’t important enough for him to search for.
“Of course I did! I went headless coming back to the Barrel, do you know how much strength it took me not to find my own way to bring you back down? I was prepared to swim in the dark sea, to get a hand cut off, to break my other leg, to kill one of our own, just to get you back.”
Inej looked away again, and this time he knew the face she was pulling. She felt guilty, of all things, guilty? “I hadn’t realised…” she whispered to no one. “It’s strange… I thought… I half expected to meet…” she cut herself off.
“Meet?” Kaz had pressed on, wanting to know more, needing to know more. What was it that made Inej so God damn appealing to him? He hadn’t a clue.
She shook her head, “boundaries, remember?”
“Stuff boundaries!” he called. “I almost lost you and you’re afraid of hurting my feelings? Hearing you voice after so long has been such a distance calling. Like hearing a hummingbird next to your ear only to turn and find nothing there… tell me,” he pleaded. “I need to know what you were feeling.”
She looked at him, dead in the eyes, her face was fragile, Kaz felt as though he could crush her with a simple touch, a simple breath on her soft skin. Though he knew she could beat his ass in a fight any day. “I half expected to meet your brother, to finally find out who he was, to see where you had taken all your goodness from. I expected death.” She said every word so softly, like at any moment the words would break Kaz, and she would feel worse.
“What would you have done if you had died…” the word made a shudder go through him, though it was a miracle it hadn’t happened. Yet.
“I would go to the ends of the earth to find your father,”
“My father?” Kaz questioned.
“Yes,” she said simply. “To tell him who the boy he had cared and hope for in Ketterdam was doing, how he was no longer a boy, not even a man, but instead… Kaz Brekker, his son in which saved my life, and tried to on multiple occasions, the son in which was still mourning his brother and fathers death, the son that carried that burden on his shoulders every day, a son, that he should be very, very proud of.”
Kaz felt his heart throb, the sting in his eyes throb, his ache of his bad leg throb. He reached out his long, leathered hand, no, he pulled the glove off, spotting the confusion on Inej’s face only made him move slower, savouring the moment cautiously. He reached out again and stroked the back of his hand against her poreless skin. The heat of her flush radiation warmth into his body, he felt himself wobble, the shaking of his body was hard to fault away, yet, hadn’t Inej wanted to see who the real Kaz Brekker was, who the real Kaz Rietveld was? His hand lingered on her face for a long, drawing moment, eventually, she brought her own hand up, cupping her hand atop of his own. His heart had paced. His breathing quickened.
“Kaz,” Inej whispered. And he felt himself explode, as though he had gambled away the only thing he now longed for.
Human touch.
Kaz flipped his hand over, cupping the warm feel of skin against skin, the escape to his maddened reality slipping between his fingertips. She was smooth, much smoother then the finest of silks, the smoothness of his ties not even balancing the texture of her skin. He thumped over her cheek and he melted away at the touch.
“Kaz,” she whispered again. His hand stretched along her face, moving down to her neck, he could feel her pulse, it was fast, nearly twice the speed of his own. He smiled to himself, then guided his hand across her décolletage, he could feel the roughness of her cloak and nearly shuddered at the touch. Her skin was milky in the moonlight, seeping over to Kaz’ bare hand, moving towards her left shoulder. Indeed, he told himself, stuff boundaries.
He had never thought touching someone would feel like this, the thought of Jordie’s bloated body almost made him gag, but he held back. The feeling of Inej’s skin was fine, delicate, almost like slicing into a cake, she had no scars to bare, nothing but bronze skin. Beautiful bronze skin.
Inej’s hand went up the length of Kaz’ arm, the sensation was mindboggling, she’s touching me, she tugged at his elbow, drawing him closer, he could feel heat of Inej’s breath on his neck, pinpricks of goosebumps flooded down his back, sending a wave of pleasure through him.
I’m touching her.
And she’s touching me.