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it had always been lucas and eliott.
lucasandeliott.
for as long as they knew each other.
their friends rarely ever said their name separately, it was always, are lucas and eliott coming to the party? did lucas and eliott went to the carnival? how are lucas and eliott? lucas and eliott. eliott and lucas. lucasandeliott.
and eliott had never wanted it to change. he always liked his name better with lucas.'
they were the bestest of best friends. they knew each other better than they knew themselves. and that was the most beautiful feeling ever. when you have someone who could figure out what you're feeling just by looking at you. when they know what you're feeling even before you do. when words aren't needed between you two.
it was wonderful and he was glad he had this with lucas.
and as cliche as it gets, eliott was in love with his best friend. truly, deeply, madly in love with him.
and his beautiful best friend had no fucking idea.
he didn't realize he'd started falling for lucas until one night, eliott, eighteen, lucas, sixteen. after his depressive episode, lucas had been there, sitting across from him on the bed, rambling about his bio teacher, making eliott smile genuinely after two long awful weeks. and he had just stared at lucas, his wide sapphire irises, his straight nose, his spiky hair, the perfect arch of his bottom lip, how he still looked so small compared to eliott even when sitting. and eliott had just thought how lucas was the shinning light. the light in his darkness. his shining star—
and at that moment, he also realized how deeply he was in love with lucas.
it wasn't only his breathtaking beauty that had made eliott fall for him. it was how lucas was the most wonderful person he had ever met. he was sweet and had the biggest heart. lucas was also immensely protective of the ones he loved and cared about. it was surprising really, that lucas could hold so much protectiveness and anger in his tiny body. he remembers when in high school, after he was diagnosed with bipolar and a kid had called him crazy, lucas had punched him and broke his nose. he had also, unfortunately, injured his hand and later when eliott bandaged his hand, lucas had said that it was worth it, that he was worth it.
it was among all those little things he did, the things that made him lucas. how he liked those overly sweet cappuccinos, pastries and anything that was disgustingly sweet. how he could be so sassy and grumpy in the mornings until he got a cup of coffee with three spoons of sugar. how he radiated so much energy as if it was sometimes impossible to keep the light in him. how he'd literally light up whenever he talked about constellations or anything related to bio. how his biggest goal was to become a successful doctor and help as many people as he could. and he was so so passionate about it that it was terrifyingly endearing.
eliott still remembered their first meeting. when he was seven and lucas was five. he remembers how some older kids were annoying him, calling him weird because he had started taking interest in drawing people as animals. the boys weren't leaving him alone, and eliott had felt trapped.
and all of a sudden as if his prayers had been answered, a teacher interrupted them, threatening to call their parents. it was then that he saw a boy standing next to the teacher. the first thing he noticed was that the boy was so small and tiny. his face was scrunched up in anger, his tiny arms wrapped around his chest— trying and failing adorably to look intimidating.
when the teacher went away, along with the kids, lucas stepped forward, looking up at eliott with his wide blue eyes. he offered his hand, "hi! i'm lucas! what's your name?"
"eliott." he also stepped forward, shaking luacs' small hand. he was clearly younger than him but he didn't really mind. and then he remembered what those guys had done. he crouched down and picked up the drawing they had teared up and stood up. it was embarrassing, he knew that. but he couldn't help the tears that filled his eyes. it was his first try at making his parents. mommy as a sparrow and his daddy as a bear. he had wanted to show them.
"i'm sorry." lucas said in small voice, his cheeks red, like cherries. he also looked sad. and eliott didn't like that.
"it's okay, i'll make new ones." eliott said shaking his head and stuffing the teared up sheet in his pocket.
"can i give you a hug?" eliott looked at lucas, surprised. "mama always hugs me when i'm sad. it makes me feel better. so it will make you feel better too."
stunned, eliott could only nod. and suddenly a small body was wrapped around him, lucas head reached his chest, his hair tickling his nose. eliott smiled, already feeling better and had hugged him back.
lucas pulled back after a minute, beaming at eliott when he saw him smile. "lucas, can i be your friend?"
"we're already best friends, silly!" lucas giggled and eliott couldn't help but giggle along with him, contagious to the joyful sound. "come on! i'll show you my batman mama bought me."
and they had been inseparable since then.
until now.
it started six months ago. eliott had been unable to control his feeling for lucas. and he was still dating lucille at that time. but he just wanted lucas to know. he had went to lucas' apartment, fully determined to come clean about his feelings. lucas had opened the door, looking completely flushed, hair disheveled, shirt wrinkled and lips red and swollen. and there, mere feet from lucas was phillip, a guy who was in lucas' class. jealousy had burned deep in his chest and his heart had dropped but he couldn't do anything now, could he? lucas had quickly placed his hands on his shoulder and asked what was wrong, but eliott didn't wanted to be around, he knew he was about to break down and for the first time in nineteen years of his life, he felt he couldn't do that in front of lucas. he had told lucas that he just wanted to hang out but he'd go to idriss. lucas had insisted that they could, the three of them, could hang out. but eliott couldn't stand seeing another man's hands on lucas so he had just said that he didn't wanted to disturb him and he might have convinced him (or there must be something on his face) because lucas had only nodded and smiled at him as he left.
later he had found himself at idriss' where he'd broken down in his arms and confessed his feelings and that's how idriss and sofiane knew. they weren't exactly surprised when he told them.
after that he had went into a manic episode. he didn't really remember all the details but it hadn't been good. it was the longest episode ever and he had dated a lot of people during the time, literally not breaking with the other when he'd start seeing someone else. just so he could get over lucas. eliott had been found naked at some cliff he didn't really know how he'd found it. and that was also the time he'd seen lucas break down.
he had seen lucas break down before. first when his asshole of a father left when he was only fourteen, leaving his unwell mother. second was when his mother had started screaming at the walls and threw things at it. third, when his mother had been diagnosed and taken away from him. fourth, when he had to find a flat share to rent at only sixteen. even though eliott and his parents had tried to convince him to stay with them until he turned eighteen but lucas was stubborn and refused every offer. fifth when he had came out to eliott after suffering through internalized homophobia (which was the worst feeling ever).
and then when eliott was found, apparently he had been missing for two days. he was already being seated in the ambulance. then he saw lucas standing there, looking impossibly small, his arms wrapped around himself, sobbing quietly. his heart almost shattered at the sight— unable to do anything to comfort him. and he would be always thankful to idriss who had quickly stepped forward and enveloped lucas in a hug. his body completely disappearing from sight.
it was the first time he had made lucas cry.
after a long depressive episode, when eliott came back from his parents', he had started putting distance between him and lucas. it was the hardest thing he'd ever done but it was the best for him. even his therapist had advised him. so he started slowly. first he started bailing out whenever they planned to hang out. started ignoring his messages. then he completely stopped hanging out with him, he only hung out with lucas if all their friends were there. because he didn't want their friends to end up in a difficult situation and choose. everyone had noticed, even people they didn't know. but no one had said anything, just silently sharing glances.
and lucas knew he was avoiding him. it was all over his face that day. it was hard for him too. so so hard but lucas didn't know about his feelings and he didn't want to dump them on him. because somehow he knew lucas didn't reciprocated the same feelings. and one day lucas had stopped him in the hallway. dark circles around his eyes. those wide bright blue eyes that haunted his dreams were now dull, as if something weighing him down. he didn't radiate his usual energy and the bitter voice said in his head that this was his fault. lucas looked up at him, hesitation mixed with apprehension, in his eyes, "hey, um, c-can we talk?"
and god, eliott wanted to. he wanted so badly to talk to him, to hear his soothing voice talking to him. he wanted to pull him close and hug the shit out of him (or kiss). he wanted to grovel in his feet and beg for forgiveness. for being such a selfish bastard. he wanted to do all that but his cowardice had won in the end as he saw idriss in the hallway too. "um, no actually i was going with idriss somewhere important..."
and he had regretted those as soon as he said them. wanted them back because that wasn't how he'd meant them. but lucas already heard it, he flinched, stepping back, eyes dropping to the floor. "lu–"
but lucas cut him off with a shake of head. and when his eyes raised up to meet his, they were filled with tears. tears that eliott had caused. "i'm sorry for whatever i did, eliott."
and then he was brushing past him.
idriss had gave him a disapproving look and later that night, eliott had wore one of lucas' old hoodie, that was too small for him but he still wore it because even after this long, it still smelled like him. and eliott had cried himself to sleep.
it was a week after that yann came to the video store he worked at. eliott was surprised because this was the first time yann had came here.
"hey." eliott greeted, wary. yann gave him a small nod and leaned against the counter.
"eliott, i am gonna go straight to the point." yann said, his face serious. "i don't know what happened between you two and why you've been avoiding lucas these past months but you gotta talk to him, man." eliott's heart thudded painfully in his chest. "he's been a mess since this whole things started. he doesn't eat properly, doesn't sleep and how his mom's been lately..."
yann trailed off and eliott's heart dropped, guilt churning in his stomach. this was his fault. "what do you mean? what happened to alice?"
yann gave him a look. "if you weren't avoiding him, you would've been the first to know." yann heaved a deep sigh, rubbing his temple. "lucas collapsed today, at work, right after he came from his class."
and that was it. eliott heart dropped to his stomach. he knew he was officially a selfish fucking asshole. but all thoughts stopped. lucas. oh god. "what?"
yann looked away again, "doctor said it's because of stress. and because he hasn't been doing okay for a while now, eliott. you need to talk to him."
and eliott needed to fix this. he needed to tell lucas everything and tell him that none of this was his fault. he didn't care if lucas would ever forgive him but he had to try. he had to get lucas back, in any way he could have him.
"i'm going." eliott said, firmly and yann nodded, his eyes hopeful.
eliott quickly ran out the door, almost bumping into a customer. he didn't care. he had to get to lucas. his best friend. his anchor. his crutch. the love of his life. who had always been there for eliott. through every thick and thin, through every sad moment to every joyful moment, he'd always been there like a shinning light with his beautiful blue eyes and his warm and understanding smile. he was always there.
lucas. lucas. lucas.
when he reached lucas' apartment, he was out of breath. but he didn't care. with slight hesitation, he knocked and waited with bated breath.
"it's open, yann."
came lucas' muffled voice from the inside, sounding scratchy but to eliott it wasn't anything but sweet.
so eliott, entered. nervous but still more worried about lucas. and the boy stealing all his thoughts was wrapped in a blanket on the couch, looking small and tiny and eliott's heart hurt.
"you didn't have to come, yann. i'm fine now." lucas said, coughing slightly. still not turning around to even see if it was actually yann.
"you know it's considered dangerous to not lock the door and just let anyone in who knocks." eliot teased, still wary. afraid of lucas' reaction.
lucas quickly turned around, standing up, letting the blanket fall to the floor. his arms came up to wrap them around himself. as if he was self conscious. and it hurt because he was never like that in front of eliott, and it shouldn't hurt this bad, it was his own doing. but it still did. too much. "eliott?" lucas sounded, stunned. and for a moment there were too many emotions flickering in his eyes to point one out and then they went completely blank. "what're you doing here?"
eliott breathed a shaky sigh. "i uh, i wanted to check on you. yann, um, told me what happened today." he hated how small his voice sounded but what could he do? he had ignored his best friend for two months, abandoning him at the time he needed him the most.
"you didn't have to eliott. i'm fine. you probably have more important things to do, anyway." eliott flinched, he couldn't help it. lucas sounded bitter and he had every right to be. it was for a reason eliott drew him as a hedgehog. sweet, small and tiny but spikey when he went into a defensive mode. refusing to take anyone's shit.
"look, lucas, these past months, i know nothing can excuse this kind of behavior, i-i know i messed up but i'm sorry, lucas. i'm sorry for not being here for you." eliott choked up. he was filled with guilt and regret, how badly he'd missed lucas.
"eliott, i still don't know what i did to make you avoid me like that—"
"no, no!" he stepped forward a little, aching to wipe the heart wrenching look on his face. "you didn't do anything, lucas. it was all me, okay?"
but lucas shook his head, "i know half the time when i try to make things right, i end up making them worse and with this thing with maman and you–"
"lucas, no." eliott quickly crossed the distance between them. tears were now falling from lucas' eyes and eliott couldn't help his own. he cupped lucas' precious face (like he had done a million times) and thanked any god who was there when lucas didn't push him away. "you're perfect, lucas. you didn't do anything. it was my brain and i was stupid and a selfish bastard but lucas you didn't do anything."
lucas was sobbing now as eliott wiped as much as tears he could, he hated seeing lucas cry because he only deserved happiness. he pulled him to his chest, holding him tightly and then eliott realized that he was crying too but he couldn't be bothered by that. he missed lucas so fucking much. and even after so long, he was still in awe of how lucas' body fit so perfectly against his own.
they stay like that for a while, arms wrapped around each other tightly. lucas had stopped crying, there were just a few sniffles here and there. and then lucas pulled away, looking slightly embarrassed as he wiped his eyes. and eliott couldn't help but notice how even after crying he still managed to look so fucking pretty. eyes puffy and red, but still so impossibly blue. hair messed up, falling onto his forehead and making eliott's breath catch in his throat.
"you're a bastard, sure, but you aren't selfish." lucas says, voice hoarse. and eliott laughs a little because he really missed him so much so fucking much.
"i missed you." eliott said without thinking because he couldn't help it. he heard lucas breath catch as he looked down.
"why did you avoid me then?"
it was such a innocent question but the answer was heavy and he had to ask something else that had been on his mind since yann came to him. "i'll tell you. but i want to know how alice is doing. and lucas i'm so sorry."
"it's okay." but it wasn't. he wasn't there when lucas needed him. "mama hasn't had a good day in weeks. so they changed her medications and i can't visit her until they say so." lucas shrugs. as if his heart wasn't breaking. elliott knew how much lucas loved her. how he could never wait to meet her again. even with classes and two part time jobs lucas worked, he still made time for her every day. and eliott knew how much this was hurting lucas. and it was his habit of downplaying anything that would hurt him too much.
"i'm sorry." because that's all he could say.
lucas shook his head, looking away. "i don't want you to keep apologising, eliott." lucas ran a hand through his hair. "i just...you started ignoring me out of nowhere. at first, i kind of understood that after everything that happened you'd want some distance. but you just stopped answering my texts, stopped hanging out with me when you were hanging out with everyone else. even with the guys when i tried to approach you, you just turned the other way and i-i was convinced that i had done something so i went through our every conversation trying to figure out what i said that hurt you so much that you couldn't even look at me and it was worse because i couldn't even remember what i had said to hurt my best friend so badly." lucas voice cracked and eliott hated himself. hated himself for not thinking what his avoiding would do to lucas. "so yeah, i just want to know why were you avoiding me because it hurts too much."
and eliott had to tell him. had to tell lucas that none of this was his fault. it was all eliott. it was now or never. "lucas, i... i'm in love with you." he could feel lucas freezing up, his wide intense eyes trained on him. he didn't want to look at lucas, didn't want to see the rejection in his eyes. "that's why i did it. i knew you didn't feel the same and at the time, avoiding you seemed the best option. of course it was hurting me too much but i didn't even think about you. i just...yeah that's why this is none of your fault."
eliott took a chance and looked at lucas. who was just looking at him with a blank expression, not saying anything. and this was worse. this was way worse. lucas wasn't saying anything. nothing.
"i uh i should go." eliott said in a rush. his heart had been completely shattered and what possibly could be worse when the one you were so madly in love with didn't love you back. and all lucas did was nod and stepped back, still not saying anything. and eliott thought that it was better this way then.
he quickly opened the door and exited the apartment. willing himself not to cry. not until he's reached his home. his thoughts had completely halted. and it was for the better. because all he could think was that lucas didn't love him back. lucas had rejected him. lucas probably hated him now. he shouldn't have said it.
it was raining, a perfect fit for eliott's own mood. he didn't try to cover himself, getting completely soaked in the rain felt right at the moment. he had just gotten out the building when, "eliott!"
startled, he turned around to see lucas standing there, a couple feet away from him. in only just his t-shirt and sweatpants getting soaked. "wha--"
"you forgot something." lucas said, adruptly. and if it was possible, eliott's heart broke again.
"what?" eliott asked in a small voice. he probably wanted him to take back his stuff from his apartment.
lucas stepped forward, eyes locked on eliott's face. "my heart."
and everything stopped around eliott. his mind stopped, his heart stopped. the thing only he could register was breathing or the sound of rain. did it mean...? elliott would probably blame this on the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling but he burst out laughing.
lucas looked a little surprised but then he gave eliott his famous unimpressed look. "i'm sorry. you just..." elliott took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "that was cheesy for you." did this mean...did lucas really meant what he was thinking?
lucas rolled his eyes, but eliott could see his lips quirking up. "well it's your influence." and then, "i'm in love with you too." and suddenly everything in his world felt right again. god lucas loved him back. he did. he couldn't believe that this beautiful, kindest boy loved him too. "have been for a while."
and then eliott felt like major asshole. if only he had told lucas that, sooner none of this would've happened. lucas wouldn't have gotten so hurt. "lucas, i'm sorry–"
but lucas cut him off before he could again ask for his forgiveness. "eliott, if you don't shut the fuck up and kiss me this second, i'm gonna–"
and then eliott didn't waste a second, surging forward, grabbing lucas' face and crashing their lips together. something he thought would only happen in his dreams. the kiss wasn't soft or hesitant. it was deep and passionate. toungs caressing, teeth nipping. and their hands were pulling each other. eliott's hand were on his face, in his hair. lucas hands traveling from his hair to the small of his back pulling him even closer.
they stood there, kissing in the rain for a long time. and when their lungs burned from the lack of air, only then did eliott realized that lucas was shivering. he pressed their foreheads together. "hey, let's go inside. you'll get cold." and lucas smile was brighter than the sun itself.
he quickly pulled off his brown jacket, ignoring lucas' protests, and draped it over his shoulders. loving how lucas was almost drowning in it.
eliott pulled lucas to his side and together they went back to the apartment.
they made out in the bed till sunrise. whispering confessions, talking about everything and anything. and laughed at each other.
they still had a lot to talk about. a lot of confessions to make. but that could wait. right now they were both content in each other's arms.
and everything was right in eliott's world once again. he had gotten his best friend back. and also the love of his life. he couldn't be more happier.